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i don't want five

coping with the unexpected can be hard with a mood disorder. something as simple as being charged extra for chicken tenders I did not order can cause a massive shift in my emotions. that is what this poem is about.

TW sh

eating is good for you. we need to do it to survive. I order three, I pay for five. I DID NOT ASK FOR FIVE. I can't cope with surprise. I sob. I cut. I sob more. I open the bag, there's only three. I relapse over others mistakes but I am to blame.

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hand sanitizer helps

tw sh

it doesn't cut deep. just a paper cut.

no blood makes it sting longer.

I like the sting, it reminds me why.

I don't like doctors, no infections here.

I kill the germs.

hand sanitizer helps.

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I sleep in my bathtub

I can no longer bear to have my bones press into the mattress. The sting of fresh injuries reminding me of my failures every time they connect to the surface of my childhood bed. My spine rolls on the porcelain, my thighs welcome the cold, the rest of me hates it. I finally slip into sleep. "time to go to school."

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Me when I read a XREADER fic and by the end reader ends up dead or broken up with, like how am I meant to feel now. Or when you find out a fic that’s meant to be multiple parts is only 1 part or forgotten about:

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Me about to beat the shit out of an author who writes Spencer Reid x pregnant!reader fics but clearly knows nothing about pregnancy or birth:

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Thank god for sending us men (I'm just talking about Spencer Reid).

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yeah babe we will fuck eventually just let me complete this sudoku level first

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how it feels to read a spencer fic where it feels like the writer hasn’t watched a single cm episode

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I'm trying out poetry?! I'm going through a really difficult time right now and I'm trying not to bottle up my feelings

tw: talk of suicide and method

the first time I tried to kill myself I was about four years old.

it's quite easy to pass it off as a mistake, as if I didn't know what would have happened. that's what the people who would've examined my body would have said.

such a shame, she was so young, couldn't have known.

I knew.

after all, every action has an equal or opposite reaction.

four years old.

I couldn't spell.

I couldn't count.

I couldn't tie my own shoes.

but I knew.

I knew if you held something over your mouth and nose long enough you wouldn't be able to breathe, you would die.

most people develop depression as they grow up, I guess I was just born with a chemical imbalance.

at four years old I knew a lot,

I knew what was expected of me,

I knew I was supposed to marry, but it had to be a boy,

I knew I was supposed to have children, I didn't find out how that was supposed to come about until I was six though,

I knew I had to get a job,

I knew I was supposed to be pretty,

be skinny,

be nice,

be quiet,

be agreeable.

I knew quite a lot.

I feel now, as an eighteen year old, that I don't really know much of anything.

how does college work?

do I have classes everyday like the last 13 years of my life?

how do I fill a tire?

how do I get a credit card?

how do I make an appointment at a doctors office?

how do I ride a bike?

are they really my friends?

do they really truly like me?

when did birthday presents stop being a thing?

am I pretty enough?

am I skinny enough?

how could I know everything and nothing at such a young age?

how had I already decided this life was not worth living? that it was time to move on to the next one?

how can I know so much more now that I'm fourteen years older, yet have no answers to explain myself?

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I don't know who I am, when I'm not with you

for two years I was your girlfriend, for the two before I considered you one of my best friends. I can't remember life before you were in it. what was my favorite color? what did I want to be when I graduated? what kind of music did I listen to? it's hard to see which parts of me, are me, not just remnants of you, imbedded in my soul forever.

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JCPenney Spring Summer Catalog (2004) 🌸

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lana in the early 2000s/2010s <3

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Mom: Don’t pick your scabs, they’ll scar

Me:

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I love you

no

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avril lavigne was right. what the hell

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baby i wont delete my 1 note post if that 1 note is you