childofsekhmet

[childofsekhmet]

Therapy Homework #16

Trigger Warning(s): Suicidal ideation/attempt, blood, PTSD dream, drugging, cannibalism

The last nine days have been torture. I would rather Ammit take my heart from my chest herself than relive the last nine days. I would rather face the rejection of Osiris in an eternal loop than relive the last nine days. I wish I never existed. I hate that I am here still. Why didn't they just shoot me nine times? What god is so offended by my born nature that they torment me so?

The first 4 days were exposing me to different blood samples and recording and testing my reactions. On the morning of the fifth day, I used one of the claws that grew back to slice my wrist and throat. I was saved before a life was used up. They only let me rest half a day before they began testing me again. They changed the experiment.

I was dreaming of my first death. The lioness tearing my brother to shreds, blood flooding Kemet. A large white tree in the Savannah. Empty. Then filled with lionesses and lions. Flashes of them covered in blood, except 3. One lioness is left. She's the largest I've ever seen. Cinnamon and apples. The smell awoke me. My eyes, already shaded red, found the source of the smell.

A man. Shoved into my room wearing tan scrubs. His eyes are covered with a small black cloth and his hands bound with similar cloth. I can hear his heart. Boom. Boom. Boom. As he turns his back to me, the scent of cinnamon and apples rushes me again. He has a straight line of blood on his shoulder. I shifted into my animal form faster than before. I had more awareness but still no control.

I needed to drink. He heard my transformation and ripped off his blinder. Fear poured from him. It was like adding whip cream to my cinnamon apple pie. I couldn't help my drooling. The tasty man broke through his restraints and ran. I tried to chase after him but slipped in my own drool. He ran into window thinking it would break. Silly man. I stalked toward him, my animal brain understanding he's trapped. He turned looking around for anything to help him. Clicks and whirring sounded near him. He picked up a large hunting knife. He threw it at me! He missed. But still, that was not going to help him. I tried stopping myself, but his blood and fear mixed irresistibly. He picked up a chair as I charged him and tried to block me. I swatted it away like a fly. I lunged for him. We're on the ground, my teeth in his shoulder. His blood flooded my mouth. Expired milk was all I could taste. I released him and backed away gagging. Slowly and painfully, I shifted back to my mortal form. I didn't notice until now the man screaming as he's being carried away. My face and throat burned and itched. I tried to scratch where it itched and made it worse. The doctor helped me drink this brown liquid that was gross but refreshing. Every sip cooled the heat and soothed the itching. They all left after I was better and sent me food. I cried myself to sleep after I found they spell bound my claws.

On the sixth day I woke up to the man with sour milk for blood sitting by my bed. He was restrained to a chair. I looked around and it was just us. He asked me why I didn't kill him. I just shrugged. I don't know this man. And I don't know why his blood affected me that way. I asked him why they restrained him. He shrugged back at me. I rolled my eyes and laid back down. He said If I answer his questions, he'll answer mine. I told him to answer first. He said they arrested him for killing his neighbors. I asked him if he did it. He shrugged and lifted his bound hands. I was tried and convicted, he explained. I asked again. His face broke and tears ran until he composed himself again. No, I'm innocent, he sniffles. He asked me the same questioned I asked every day and night, why am I still alive? I broke into tears, surprising both of us. I didn't want to kill him, I didn't want to live, he didn't want to live, and we're stuck together. I finally told him that his blood on his shirt smelled delicious but the blood I got from him was disgusting. I told him the nickname I came up with, sour milk. He laughed and cried in a confusing mix. He said the blood on his shirt wasn't his. They wiped it on him right before they pushed him into my room. He didn't know whose blood was used.

A nurse brought in breakfast for three. My therapist arrived within seconds. She asked us innocent questions as we ate but they became more focused on his innocence and status. Apparently, he owns a shipyard and the only repair shop for ships. Rich, with influence and power. My therapist said she would meet with him later. He was escorted out after he finished, leaving me with my torturer. She went through the normal questions after a transformation: what do you remember, how did you feel at this point or this one, can you describe the smell and taste of the different blood samples, when you smelled the sweet blood did you pick up anything else like images or sounds. I told her I didn't want to hurt him or anyone else, I asked her to not do that to me again. She said she would see. I'm feeling the anxiety again, what if I kill the next person?

I did. They sent in a woman with a cut lip and sliced arm on the seventh morning. She smelled like chocolate covered oranges. She was pretty, at first. After I transformed, she attacked me. Her arm turned into a clawed wing as she swiped it at me. Her feet were a predator bird's feet. As I fell dodging her, she flapped her wings giving her the advantage of height and stretched her talons toward me. I tried to scream but I roared. And from my roar came intense heat. She fell screaming as the bottom half of her body burned. She smelled better like this. Fresh cooked chocolate with a citrus hint. I went for her throat and drank as much blood as I could before they came in to drag me away. I even got some mouthfuls of cooked meat before they separated us enough. My therapist came in after they cleaned up with some water, the gross brown juice, and bread. A screen rolled in with a speaker at its base. She asked me many questions as we watched step by step what just happened. I wanted to cry and throw up but after drinking the gross juice that part of me was sidelined. I answered all her questions with no hesitation except to consider. She asked what I was feeling, sensing, thinking, smelling, hearing at almost every frame. Her scribbling never made me so angry as it did today. I ate someone and she's analyzing the events. She ended our session asking if I wanted the rest of her. I lost it and threw up everything. I cried and retched and retched and retched. They injected me with something, and I slept.

I dreamt it was my sister's birthday dinner. We were all seated at a long table covered in food. I sat across my sister at the heads of the table. The innocent man I met the day before walked up to the table carrying two cooked animals. Not animals. My brother and the woman I ate. Tied and cooked. Staring at me. I could hear a crowd yelling, but my family was silent staring at me. They all smiled too wide until the innocent man left. I looked back to my brother and the woman I killed, and my sister was standing there angry, pointing at me. Put her down! Put her down! Put her down! The crowd roared and my family screamed in shame. I inhaled to scream and could feel heat building up. I screamed but again it turned to a roar and I burned everyone in front of me. The whole city burned, including the innocent man. I awoke to him sitting by my bed again but not restrained. He was sleeping. I looked around and nobody else was there. I looked back and he was right in front of me burning. He wailed, Why won't you die? I woke up for real this time turning away from where he was in my dream. I was covered in sweat and my room was hot. Suffocatingly hot. The fire alarm went off and I was moved to an empty room with technology in the walls and ceilings. I was left alone for the entire day with water and the gross juice. Yesterday, the ninth day, I was served meat that smelled familiar to the woman I killed. I was starving. After, I finished eating the meat, my therapist came in and asked me questions, follow up questions, clarifying questions, and rude questions. I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. But she kept asking questions. I just stopped answering. She electrocuted me. She put her hand on mine and as I lifted my head to see her, a powerful shock traveled from my hand to the rest of my body. She asked her questions again. I stayed silent. Shocked again, I attacked her. She increased her power and my jaws tightened on her arm. I couldn't let go as her blood poured into my mouth. She tasted like a concept not a flavor. She tasted like a productive day ended with time to relax. She stopped shocking me and I released her. I curled into a ball and fell asleep. I woke up this morning tied to a table, in an old embalming room. I tried to fall back asleep, but the smells were too powerful. They released me to a new room, furnished with a medical ensuite.

Why won't they just kill me? I'm dangerous and evil and tired. I've been praying for death for myself and instead I am dealing it. Things are normal now, but I feel more death coming.

[childofsekhmet]

Therapy Homework 7

Trigger Warning: Drugged, PTSD nightmares, blood, sacrifice ideation

I know it's only been a week, but shouldn't there be some improvement or change? My therapist wanted to test my reaction to blood. It wasn't my brother's blood, but it was sweet smelling. Earthy sweet. Fresh rain, sweet grass, and a crisp breeze. I transformed again, not as urgently as last time. I fought against the frenzy, but I needed that blood. I needed to taste it. Needed to devour whoever provided the sample. My therapist threw the sample near the window. I devoured it. Rubbing my nose is whatever I couldn't drink.

They shot me with knock out darts. I dreamt of fires destroying a preserved neighborhood. The heavens and Nile traded homes. My home is paused in what looks like mid explosion. I hear screams. The screams from before. No. I see my brother, he's glitching between healthy and shredded. A lioness came and finished devouring him. She stalked toward me spilling blood from her snarling mouth. She leapt for me, and I awoke in a cold sweat. Not just sweat. I messed my bed like child. I feel worse than before. I never want to be knocked out by that recipe again. It's night, they left the dinner tray and a vanilla coconut cake. After I ate, a nurse helped clean me and my bed. My therapist checked in on me. I guess I hurt another innocent. One of the guards caught a swipe in my final resistance to the dart.

I told her about my dream, she said our brains can mesh together all parts of life. But to record them for my own sake. She also mentioned lack of knowledge and research on Children of Sekhmet (CoS). Should I tell her about the rumors I heard growing up? Or would she experiment more on me? What if I permanently frenzy? What if the world learns about the disgraceful curse of our bloodline? They should've just sacrificed me! My death could've served my family 3-fold whatever I offer alive. Whatever, I need to sleep

Until Next Time,

Bastet's Disgrace

[childofsekhmet]

Therapy Homework 2

Trigger Warning(s): Near death experience, Ritual Sacrifice, Blood and Harm, Self-harm, Self-loathing.

My therapist says I should try to power through writing what happened to me and my brother. What I did to my brother. I feel queasy and nervous just thinking about it. She says that that is normal. She also says that focusing on my breathing will help. She said smell the flowers then blow out the candles. Here we go.

It was my eldest sister's birthday party. The boys played soccer, men set up the tables for food and gifts, women cooked the food, and the girls helped where they could. Normal crap. Until I'm bringing a tray of Hamam Mahshi and the boys piled on top of each other fighting for the ball. The scent of blood overcame me in a gust of wind. There were a couple different blood samples but one overpowered the rest. I took a deep breath, and it was like standing in the middle of a confectionary during wedding season. Vanilla and coconut dominated the other scents. Pain. Screaming, I'm screaming. The skin on my hands started to rip, making way for claws I shouldn't have yet. My eyes normally shaded yellow, burned red and orange like a sunset during Sirius' rebirth. Then flashes of black. Red again, but it's blood. There's so much blood. I can hear more screams now. I think there was a roar. A deafening bang. It's black again but cold. Empty. I'm not breathing. I feel like I slammed into my body. My body was shifting from an animal form to my mortal form. I didn't feel anything until I was laid on a cot and locked in a room. My head pounded with fury and my hands ached. My back and chest felt tight and burned. I could feel miniscule shrapnel being pushed out of my body. My gums burned and bled. I tried to undress when the smell of blood on my clothes began creeping in my nose, but my back and chest refuted with fire and lightning. My eldest sister could be heard screaming through tears to put me down. I heard many agree. I froze. Waiting to hear someone fight on my behalf. My heartbeat filled my ears, filled the room. No one spoke up for me. Then the door was being unlocked. I couldn't move from the cot. I don't think I was breathing.

It was my eldest brother. His face masked with shame and sadness. I could only shake and cry. I was going to die by my own family, this was the only thought flooding my head. The room was spinning, and I felt like I was going to throw up. His face began showing doubt then determination and then he picked me up and ran to the car. My sister chased after us. I don't remember what she said but it shook my brother as he drove to the Pharoah's temple. He explained everything to the council, who then told the Pharoah before he saw us. I was wrapped in a curtain to hide my sin-stained clothes. The Pharoah came out and we performed the ceremonial bow for him. He allowed us to rise and just stared at me. Head to toe in concentration. He asked my brother what he expected him to do. Pardon me? Banish me? Lock up or execute our family? My brother got back on his knees and begged for him to enforce his protection laws for unwilling sacrifices. I guess if you don't know I should add, sacrificing children of Sekhmet back to Bastet was the traditional response. Many families sacrificed their own members for a gods' favor. The Pharoah changed the laws after a divine vision. And now I am saved but mandated to therapy and not allowed back at my family home, for everyone's safety. I guess I'm a ward of the state now. My brother is the only one that visits me. My dad called me once for a couple short minutes.

My heart keeps shredding and I keep crying. Every time I remember the last time I saw my family I feel like I'm dying. I get this void in my belly then it ices over. I can't stop shaking and my legs go numb. I can't hold onto a single thought except that I am a monster and should have died. I saw the article about the incident yesterday and they leaked pictures of my brother's injuries at the healers. I threw up and still feel like I will when I think of it. He was missing so many parts and so much skin. I can't... I can't explain anymore but I shouldn't be here anymore. My innocent brother has been maimed and scarred for life. We're not even supposed to get claws in our first life. I ripped my claws out after I figured out how to release them. The healer scolded me, said they'll grow back. We'll see.

I am a true abomination. And I don't deserve to live.

Until next time,

Bastet's Disgrace

[childofsekhmet]

Therapy Homework

Today was my first day of Ennead mandated therapy and I was given the task of journaling from today on. I guess I should start with who I am and why I'm here.

Some know that Bastet was first born as Sekhmet, the eye of Ra, goddess of war and medicine and plagues, to exact revenge on mortals for their betrayal, then she changed into Bastet after things got too messy. Now, the goddess of pregnancy, birth, cats, protection, and perfume. She became consort to Ptah, god of architecture and creation, and quickly had Maahes, another warrior god.

I am the descendant of Bastet and her affair with a mortal, another drama for another time. I am the misfortune of Bastet's bloodline. Some believe I am the curse of Ptah or Ra for her infidelity. I was born a child of Sekhmet. In a family of cats, I am a lioness. If that lioness was rabid for violence and had fits of crazy at the smell of blood. Being born a vampire is rare and feared. Especially when that vampire feeds on the blood of the powerful, like me.

So that is who I am.

Now, I am here because I gave into my disgusting nature and hurt an innocent, my brother. I can't write anymore.

Until next time,

Bastet's Disgrace