chloeannriley - Tumblr blog

[chloeannriley]

Inside

I looked

Inside There wasn’t much To hide I told myself But lied A lie It was

Because There was So much Just such A heap A leap I said

Of faith

To try Undo The lie And face The space Below Beyond Of reach Too low I thought But wrong I was Because

I see it now

The light I fought

I fight

To keep The hiding Stuff at bay Fight still

I will What dark May come With day

[chloeannriley]

Space

I know you are giving me my space but 

I'm not sure I want that anymore  I'm not sure you even have your people looking here anymore because it’s been so long. I am ready, even though you think I need more time  You are the one. But I am starting to think this whole thing is in my head. I know that you are busy and have a lot going on so much so it would be hard to find time for me. I am not needy and I do not need a lot of affection but I would like to know that this is still real. You hit me hard in the past I am not asking for that again. Just something to let me know you’re still there.

-Chicago Craigslist, Missed Connections

[chloeannriley]

Hey dead girl

It was a blonde girl like you and sick like you but not your age or anywhere close so I knew it wasn’t you. But she was dead and you’ve been almost dead a few times now so I didn’t totally rule it out.

Hey dead girl, hey. In your photo you look a lot like the person I fight and have fought, pushed and shoved with love so much. But you aren’t her. You’re the remains of someone now and there’s the bubblings of anger and regret and the feeling that someone didn’t do enough, couldn’t swallow up all the fear and anger stuffs. And so now she’s not whole, taking in the air and galloping through life, wondering what’s to come.

Just remains.

Hey not yet dead girl, hey. I want everything for you, trust me, even when we bark and hiss like a couple of beasties tearing up our bodies’ never-healed pus —I still want to wrap it all up, the world, its futures and presents, and hand it on over to you. Forget the past, we don’t need that anymore, even if it lives in us forever anyway. And if you won’t take it and fight me still, I’ll keep on wanting it for you just the same.

[chloeannriley]

Dear blue

For some reason I can’t stop thinking about you  I see you everywhere and you must see me too Because I hardly think I’m the follower You have always anticipated my moods and shifted hues accordingly  I’m really lucky to have you

And he was really lucky to have you too

You are one of those things I think that defined me before I had a chance to choose  but something I quickly fell for after a long second thought  At my best you spread across me soft and light you lift me frothy toward rest 

And even if is all an illusion you guide me See you here and there

-Chicago Craigslist, Missed Connections

[chloeannriley]

Dancing back

Standing outside on the balcony trying to feel my dead uncle Is he in the palms somewhere? Swaying in the dark charcoal greens, all the color of ash. Is he in the ocean? Waves dancing up to meet nothing then dancing back into a bigger  nothingness. Is he in the laughter and the chandeliers? Clinking, tinkling. Where is his merry? Where is he? Not in the sea, the smiles, the trees No. Only me now. With faintest blood whispers unspoken by anything here. Gone is the word. Gone. But still I look, still fawn Eyes cast over everything, dancing back.

[chloeannriley]

Man made

I was right It was the ocean Not just a trick of the sky Harder flying high To size the man made from the not Man is a thick black block A straight shape with no mistakes A stake here and there Mine! But on the line’s other side A sea as blue as dreams of blue With darker pools deeper than sleep And bottoms uncharted, willingly so Where creatures happily left alone Merrily sing of lives untouched An unfamiliar song We can only hold our breath so long

[chloeannriley]

Roses: staring hard

Twelve perched right at their glassy edge How you can love a thing, find its beauty even with parts that fall apart so fast 

Stem cut, thorny, blood even through the praise I recognize you, I think You’re the perpetual victim, the one who left, came back then left again Reminder: Must be careful around pricking things In that darkened place I am just waking Witnessing flowers, room, the whole slipperiness of reality Pick a spot and focus, isn’t that what they say Picture a field of tulips Or nothingness, that always works too Shake off a few monsters for a spell  then time to wake and sleep and wake and feel the feeling of the trying to remember  then sleep and wake and walk and smell and look until again remembering how you wanted to forget

[chloeannriley]

Inside

If this is life It’s hard to tell The edges are colder and less green than first hoped  Time is colored, grey and slogs dutifully  into places I’d rather not say

How many hours spent staring at electric boxes? Stale things that peer back but don’t grab my hand

The promise of out peeks here only in drips The wet waxy leaf of the plant above my head thrusts upward cut abruptly by a florescent wood sky I look up too trying to see past it all Remembering a vague promise  of skies less fixed and vows never to sit so long In a place with so little light

[chloeannriley]

Feral

I had a cold And so shouldn’t have been able to smell The sickness Where once the cat lie But there it was anyway A dying scent Faded but feral Arching up to meet us still Isn’t death like that? A cat But then it’s like so many things And then again Unlike anything at all

[chloeannriley]

Where is the kingdom of god?

Black man, blue line. Blue shoes, clean jeans. Warm fleece, sweatshirt, both clean. And now that the train isn’t doing its train thing so well, muttering, trying to swat away the cold coming in from the very wide open doors. Rocking, whispering turning into something louder than whispering, he addresses the blonde sitting across from him who keeps shaking her head no, no, no -- like pushing away a dream gone wrong. 

And then, just as we’re reaching the point, as they say, of no return, the doors close and the hurt appears to lessen. He goes back to staring out the window silently, still rocking. As the train pulls into the next station, he gets up to get off.    Despite the clean clothes, a bad smell rises up, as indicated by the scrunchy face another blonde with pink lipstick makes as he passes her by. Open the train, he commands to no one. And as if it’s heard him, the train obeys. He gets off only to get immediately on an el car going the other way. 

An infinite loop.

In the place where he sat lies a pamphlet: “Where is the kingdom of god?” On its cover, a white woman with her eyes closed sits towards the front, lamenting, perhaps, the misplaced kingdom of her dreams, but at the center stands a black man. Eyes wide open, seeming to lament nothing while questioning everything. 

[chloeannriley]

Getting the male

It’s a fast trap that’s set. Mispronounce, miscalculate the temperature outside: it makes no difference. If they want you to fall, you go down hard and there’s nothing to steady on, feel upright again. And the missteps keep coming because now all balance is wiped out: you’re a tipsy drunk to be pushed over, carried off.

“She can’t even talk, she’s slurring so hard. Get her the eff out of here.”

And then you’re the opposite of in. And press your face against the glass or try, but invisible things can’t be re-seen, that’s the laws of physics. Or if not physics, the laws of this world. The ugly ones made by the kinds of creatures that hulk under bridges and gobble up anything other that tries, desperately, to pass beyond.

[chloeannriley]

The ascent

It’s the hills we climb everyday Not the far away mountain How to rectify the two? One pace, patience, the yawn of one day folding into the next and next and next But higher steps call And desire to breathe a thinner air Runs deep What then to do? Don your walking shoes Face the light And finally unpack the insides Weighing you down from the peak

[chloeannriley]

On the bed

Please help me I said Here on the bed Shuddering all cookie and milked It’s not what you think You’ll miss it, just blink Or pretend not to notice a thing Like Max and the Wild Like teeth in a child They come and they go and they Hurt And sometimes the meal isn’t so hot And sometimes you bang at yourself with the pot And the Wild Things follow you back So like I said I’m still here on the bed It isn’t that much that I need But there’s no one in sight And so, for tonight It’s on a cold supper I’ll feed 

[chloeannriley]

Ode to anthony bourdain

Don’t eat before reading this The obit will say A man who knew blood too well Downed all there was  And then a drop more Not so much man as minotaur Braided deep within his prey His girlfriend’s praying too I’m a fucking mess inside I’m fine I’m a fucking mess inside I’m fine  I’m a fucking mess inside Fine Fine Fine Wine And slaughter from ever country o’er the lands Couldn’t stay the hand of pain That’s what food is You said it yourself The choking was inevitable But the table always, always set

[chloeannriley]

Ode to kate spade

What are you, her mother asks A woman or a purse? Both She states And neither. I’m the pattern And the hide I’m the strap. A logo On the outside. Revolutionary, Mother replies Eyes rolling. Oh easy isn’t it mom To pave the way To lay the road Not as easy to lie in it Cut out your womanparts Like so many fluttering Fabric squares But don’t you be confusing Then with this Now is Hit or miss Fight or flight It’s a slippery place out there mother  One that grips ever tighter Even as the strap snaps.

[chloeannriley]

What about the shadowy place?

[chloeannriley]

Over the Mountains

I wonder if everyone sees themselves in the desert A true heat, unstoppable and vast Are we there in the peaks and shadows The vast emptiness sucking itself for life Is it death or potential we see Swimming there between the rocky places Or is all mirage We see what we need to Otherwise we’d die from wanting