chooseausername - Tumblr blog

[chooseausername]

Sometimes I miss J so much. Other times I don’t think of him at all. I can’t wait for the day that I stop thinking of him all together. It’s never taken me so long to get over someone. I guess because I’m not jumping into another relationship that’ll distract me. God right now I miss him so much. I just want to be laying next to him counting the freckles on his back. I miss him so so much right now. Thinking of him with his new girlfriend breaks my heart all over again.

[chooseausername]

I miss you M. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I pretend we’re in your van in Point Arena passing out after live music at that little bar. I know you’re out there in the ether sprinkling love all around me and everyone who was blessed enough to experience your light. Sometimes I pray to meet another spirit like you, but then remember you’re one of a kind. When I wake up from dreaming of you, I try to force myself back to sleep to hold on a little longer. Sometimes it feels so real that I think maybe dreams are just different dimensions that we tap into. Maybe part of us is alive together in another dimension. Or maybe we are on different plains now and meet each other in dreamland. Or maybe it’s just my brain entertaining myself while I recycle neurons and rapidly move my eyeballs. Either way I pray every night to see you again. You’re my best friend. I’m blessed to have experienced a friendship like that. If I never find another, at least I got to experience it once in this life. Sometimes when something funny happens, I can hear what your response would have been if you were here. Or that laugh you had when you’d crack up without opening your mouth 😂😂😂or hissing when something gross happens. Or saying “onion” how you’d say it when chopping onions. Summertime is hard for me because the best summer I’ve ever had, I spent with you. Winter is hard because the best winter I had, I spent it with you. Fall is hard because it’s your bday. It’s like I’m living a conscious life along with an imaginary one where you’re still here next to me through every experience.

[chooseausername]

My Adderall is on hold from being filled so I got some blow to hold me over. It’s such a weird drug. At first it’s cool because it makes me productive, but the side effects are terrible. There’s like an underlying anxiousness to everything. I also don’t like that it numbs my face and makes my teeth hurt. I do feel accomplished once I do some productive things. But the high wears off fast and I have to go back for more. Eventually my face hurts, my nose is swollen, headache, teeth pain, and I feel like shit. I think I’m on my 3rd day with it, and now I’m not sure if it’s even working the same. I’m less productive and just kind of have the shakes now. I guess that’s tolerance build up? Or my body is just super over it. I’ll be glad when my medication gets sorted out. This is not a drug I would want to be addicted to. I think the downsides outweigh the positives for me. It also makes me poop a lot and makes my stomach a bit nauseous. It’s just overall pretty crummy. I’ve been off ketamine for 3 months now so that is a big step for me. I hope I continue to make positive steps to get away from the habituation of drug use and abuse. The Zoloft and Adderall help me stay away from street drugs so I really hope the Adderall gets sorted. Other than that, still having dreams of J. I saw him in person and it was weird, he was so quiet, but then sexted me after. I really hope to get over him soon. My life is more peaceful without him.

[chooseausername]

I think I’m finally gaining some closure over J. Last night I had a dream that I met his new girlfriend and we all hung out. It was sad but she was really nice. I woke up in a different mood. It’s not sad but it is kinda. I feel like I’m letting him go. It’s interesting how in the dream she was so nice and caring that I thought to myself “this is a good person for J”

[chooseausername]

I saw J’s Facebook and I think he’s for sure in a new relationship. I’m happy for him but I’m mad that we weren’t compatible. I think I’m slowly getting over him though. He looks so old and he’s only 35. His face is all wrinkly. His skin makes him look like he’s in his early 50s. I know I will appreciate my decision to split from him eventually.

[chooseausername]

Why does life feel so painfully unbearable without ketamine? I feel so empty and blah.

[chooseausername]

Dang I’m watching titanic. I think I was like 11 when this came out. I remember when movies were so special. Going to the theater was such an event. Now everything is so readily accessible that it feels less special. I imagine this is what dating is like too. There’s too many options now at the tip of our fingers. Swiping and swiping, person after person. I think people stayed together longer in the past because the option pool was less deep. I for sure feel like Rose from this movie sometimes.

[chooseausername]

it's okay to unplug once in a while.

also i'm trying to stop putting myself down for spending a day doing nothing. like, it's okay to not do anything for a day. i have this very american conditioning where i think i should be working on something all the time, expending energy. i don't have to aways be working on something. it's okay to take a day, or a week, or HOWEVER LONG doing absolutely nothing. it's okay to unplug once in a while. and fuck judgement from others and my inner critic. i legit just traveled 1000 miles+ to work my ass off. it's okay to have a day off. i have work tomorrow again and i need to wash my hair and clothes. i have a whole to-do list waiting. i just feel tired i think. but also it's not like i did absolutely nothing. i danced today, i masturbated and didn't cry after, i went outside, i did stuff.. just nothing stereotypically productive. but i think it's productive in a self love type of way.

[chooseausername]

i think there's two important things to do as a human

also J "sexted" me a couple of days ago and i fell right back into it. but luckily i was 500 miles away from him working. thank god i wasn't near him. my impulsiveness with him scares me. like if i get drunk enough, i will impulsively text him. this is why i can't drink anymore. plus the hangovers. but i'm home now and i could easily go see him, but i won't. i think it hurt too much last time, so i really don't think i'll go down that road again. plus he's hella dirty and i'm kind of sketched out about germs. he doesn't brush his teeth and his feet are gross. he's just gross. i'm grossed out that i'm attracted to him. ugh. anyway i need to celebrate the victory. even though i did text him back, i did NOT go see him or have sex with him, and that is a victory. meanwhile i'm obsessed with noah hill from parcels still. i wonder when this weird phase will pass. i haven't fan girl'd like this since i was like 12. this has to be some weird mechanism to get over J, especially since they look alike. being human is so weird. sometimes i just look at my hands and think "damn, i'm really in this body, i'm really here on earth in this body, doing this human thing." and there's no right way to do it. no one really knows what to do, everyone's just distracting themselves. but i think there's two important things to do as a human, to 1. create and 2. help others. i think that these two things are very important to the human condition because they feel good like nothing else feels good. it's not like sex, drugs, or anything else. it's a different type of good feeling.

[chooseausername]

the lactating woman laughed too.

some people in this world are so weird. i just remembered this one girl in cosmetology school i don't even remember her name. but she was telling a friend and i how she got pregnant and never stopped lactating. then i don't even know how it got to this point, but she was like "want to see?" I think because my friend and I were in disbelief. so we went to the bathroom and she pulled out her boob and literally shot milk across the bathroom hahahah omg. like what? my friend and i were like OMG and laughed and laughed. the lactating woman laughed too. like wtf? life is so weird.

[chooseausername]

I'm so obsessed with this mix, I've probably played it more than 100 times already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY1IXtyyRp0

[chooseausername]

God saying goodbye to my clients today is actually getting really hard. I almost cried with the last one

[chooseausername]

Man I slept like shit last night. I was waking up like every hour or two. I feel better today except for the back pain. This is my last weekend working in LA monthly. I’m sooo happy about that. But I also noticed with my first client, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Like the back pain was so bad I didn’t even care what she had to say. I busted it out and finished an hour early, so now I’m chillin in this dope ass 4Runner rental. I paid for an economy sedan and they upgraded me, so I’m super thankful! One day I want a 4Runner, I love this car. I did a little bit of ketamine because it helps SO much with the pain. I took an over the counter pain killer a couple hours ago and it basically did nothing. I’m already feeling the ketamine working. I just hope it’s still easy to socialize. Sometimes it makes me a little slow, other times it’s okay. There’s this guy walking by me right now and he has to wear a helmet because of a health condition. I’m so thankful for my health. I struggle mentally but thank god I’m physically okay. Shit could always be worse! I want to count my blessings and be a grateful person. My dreams were sooo trippy last night. They were either stressy or super amazing. Like I dreamed that someone was trying to get through the door of my hotel room, and I kept saying NO and pushing back on the door. Then they threw like an electronic device into the room, it was like a battery or something. Then I dreamed that I woke up in the hotel room and was seeing spirits in the room. One spirit was a lady that looked hella uncomfortable and kinda scary. In the dream I kept trying to turn on a light but the lights wouldn’t work. Then I had a sex dream about Noah Hill from parcels which was awesome. I’m just glad it wasn’t J in the dream. Although I do feel kind of like an obsessive creeper having a sex dream about a random person I’ve never met, I think it’s a good step toward getting over J. I’m kind of sick of desiring sex. I feel like it really disrupts my thoughts. Maybe I’m just fighting the human condition though. But I don’t want to have sex with just anyone. I need to feel some kind of mental stimulation as well as physical attraction. That’s really hard to find. The communication needs to flow. I feel like I either find the physical or the mental in partners, but not both. The communication with my current partner is really tough sometimes. He speaks in riddles a lot. A lot of people have said he’s socially different. I sometimes wonder if he’s on the spectrum because of how he speaks and he’s really mechanical. He can fix basically anything that’s broken. And he’s a drummer. I can’t play drums sober but I can when I’m drunk. Maybe I’m the one who’s on the spectrum Lolol. Maybe everyone is on the spectrum a bit. Am I being offensive? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Although I know that’s unrealistic. Feelings get hurt in this world. Omg I over analyze shit so much. I want to find this mental headspace where I just let life flow. For a while, I was doing meditations where I would focus on my hands and feel them tingle and stuff. I think that was helping. Im gonna do that after I write this. It brought the energy back down into my body. I need to go back to yoga class. It’s not the same on YouTube. Omg I just realized that the hardest part of my workday is over and i feel so relieved. I hope my cryptocurrency investments take off so I can stop working.

[chooseausername]

I just woke up from dreaming like every one of my fears and desires. Can I just get some chill happy dreams please? My nephew woke up laughing once and he said he was dreaming of the whole family running and laughing together. Can I get some dreams like that? Lots of laughter and free of stress.

[chooseausername]

I feel very primal rn

[chooseausername]

i think i miss my dad. i was just sitting on the side of my hotel bed with my legs hanging off crying, and i had a memory pop up where i walked in on my dad doing the same thing. i was less than 5 years old because it was in our old house. i walked up to him and he was crying. he looked defeated. i put my hand on his shoulder and said "its okay" and it seemed to make him feel better. he stopped crying and said "yeah, it's ok." i wish i could have had a closer relationship to him. the drugs took him. i hope they don't take me too. my partner reminds me that i have a lot more possibilities working in my favor. like the fact that i don't have 3 kids, i eat better than my dad did, i don't drink alcohol anymore (aside from an occasional trip down memory lane), and i'm only really addicted to ketamine, not coke. i think those are valid points but i don't think that they should steer me away from comparing myself to my dad. it's important that i remind myself that i don't want to end up like him. i need to get a handle on my unhealthy habits. i want to throw myself into music so i can have a hobby that makes me feel good. i feel good when i sing and play music, especially hand drums. i would love a hang drum. i want to get a keyboard too. music and dance. i would love to take salsa classes and really learn like the pros. these two hobbies actually help me feel. ive tried other hobbies to no avail. drawing, painting, jewelry making, candle making. kayaking is fun but not winter friendly. maybe i need to take low dose naltrexone again. it seemed to help my mood but it gave me terrible nightmares. my back hurts. this is the last weekend that ill have to travel for work. im excited to develop a routine and travel less. i want the travel that i do to be for fun. drugs are becoming less and less fun. i'm going to have to figure out how to enjoy being sober. im trying to surrender to this funk i'm in. i feel so blah, crying daily, lots of memories of the past. missing J who was a total asshole to me except for small moments in time when he was wonderful. i need to stop glamorizing who he was. i need to remember the whole package, not just the fun parts that kept me going back for more. i guess that can be said for drugs too. the whole package like the nose bleeds, running out and the comedown, depression, paranoia, memory troubles, financial burden, etc. is it all worth it? it wasn't worth it to stay with J even though i think i miss him. I'm the one who left. i'll probably do the same with drugs eventually. it was hard hanging out with R today. she's deep in her addiction too. her memory is getting really bad. sometimes i feel like "whats the point" when talking to her because she doesn't remember much of what we talk about. we often have the same conversation multiple times. i love her and i hope she gets sober and has a happy life. i love myself and i hope i get sober and have a happy life. i hope i can get over J eventually too... and stop obsessing over noah hill from parcels just because he looks like him. gosh sometimes i feel so crazy. i don't think i am though, because i have a lot of self awareness. i think if i was crazy, i would lack the self awareness or ability to ask myself if i'm acting crazy. i think i'm just working through traumas and growing up. maybe ill order one of those cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks. maybe i'm really just over analyzing everything and i need to chill out about the entire growing up process. i bet when i'm like 65 i'm going to look back and wonder why i stressed so much. by that time ill have lots of life experience. god noah hill is so hot. i want to throw him down and pull his strawberry blonde hair. i want to tease him until he's begging for it and then fuck his brains out. gosh i feel so primal right now. i'm glad i'm not promiscuous though. i think we exchange energy with those with have sex with, so im glad i dont do it with just anyone. actually i haven't had sex in a year and 3 months.

[chooseausername]

He was so mean to me but I miss him so much.

i often feel like i'm on the verge of crying. i cry every day. what's happening? i know i made the right choice in choosing my current partner over J. J was mean to me, called me names, disrespected women, and had a lot of problems. My current partner is kind, not without his faults, but they're not so bad. J's faults were too much for me. They were driving me crazy. He was so mean to me but I miss him so much. Maybe i need to do another reiki session. I ordered a keyboard in hopes to take on a new hobby. Although i think hand drums are my true love. I would love a hang drum. maybe one day. I need to toughen up to life's shortcomings. All of the deaths of my loved ones have really taken their tole on me. Maybe it's time to try anti depressants... again. I feel nauseous.