chroniclesmuslim

[chroniclesmuslim]

[chroniclesmuslim]

February 10th, 2018

**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)

So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.

kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.

i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.

but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.

i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.

i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.

i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.

i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.

just take it one day at a time.

[chroniclesmuslim]

February 9th, 2018

**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush to a christian name. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way) 

Since I lost my old diary, this will be my new one. I will document the adventures of finding someone that could possibly complete my deen. I feel like writing out my thoughts will be beneficial compared to annoying my friends about my problems. I also wish to be able to look back on this one day and see that my everyday problems are only temporary and the lifestyle i live + the people i associate with are only part of a chapter of my life.

The biggest thing that currently consumes my thoughts everyday is Steven Khan. Steven. Steven. Steven. Even though we formally started talking last April/May, i would say we didnt really start till december. before then, he was very busy w/ his MCATs and his medical school applications. and to be frank, i dont think he really cared for me until december. he graduated a few days before i told him how i felt about him so we've been mainly communicating via text everyday. i knew him before as my physics and chemistry tutor. he is a really nice guy. but i was hurt by him on january 28th. after talking for so many months, we've eventually became more comfortable w/ expressing our emotions. it would make me happy when he would tell me personal things about himself or his family b/c it made me feel like he trusted me. i know he is usually very reserved and that he has a small group of friends. i was happy bc i felt like i had earned his trust after talking with him for 8-10 months. but on the 28th he had told me a "tbh" moment of how initially he would ignore me and not always reply to me in hopes that i would've eventually given up on him and no longer try to talk to him. even though it was a confession from the past it still hurt b/c i felt stupid. from the beginning i had liked him and i was actively trying to get to know him in hopes that he would like me too. so i decided to end things with him and sent a "goodbye" letter. it wasn't the first time i've sent something like this (but this time i really meant it) and from the times i've sent it in the past he would kind of brush it off and tell me it was up to me and that he was "sorry". so i was surprised with his reaction: he kept hitting me up and was genuinely sorry. he didnt want things to end and put effort in letting me know that he was in the wrong, he cared about me, and that it wasn't how he currently felt. he even made a timeline from the fall of 2016 to the winter of 2018 to pinpoint all of our "milestone" moments and wanted to meet me in person to get things cleared up.

seeing him in person was something that i've wanted to do for a really long time. i would literally beg him to give me 5-10 minutes last semester (fall 2017) so we could sit and hang out. because i knew from the times we've hung out after i told him i liked him (so last spring; spring 2017) that i was kinda nervous and reserved. i wasn't comfortable talking to him like how i used to be before when he was only my tutor so i wanted to get more comfortable with his presence. so on the first day of school (jan 29th) i told him to come talk to me in person to figure things out. he agreed and moved things around in his schedule to see me. again i was surprised by his efforts. unfortunently for me though, seeing him in person for the first time in almost a month to discuss the future of our "relationship" was not the best way to become more comfortable with his presence. i felt even more stupid bc i was giggly and smiley even though i shouldve been strict and stern (considering we were in a fight) and i was worried he thought i wasn't being serious about how i felt and everything. it was a weird and awkward first "meeting" since i couldn't look at him in the eyes for too long and i would keep getting brain farts on what i should say. but he was nice about it. he asked me what i wanted to do about things and he just wanted me to be happy at the end of the day. we talked about how on jan 3rd he had told me he could only see me as a friend but in reality he wasn't sure how he felt and what we are. we talk everyday and we get along. we were like best friends. but he didn't feel any butterflies. so i told him how i felt that he never truly gave me a chance before, he only gave me his time. and we kind of agreed that he would visit me more this semester. the motive was still unclear though: i wasn't sure by the end of our meeting if we would continue talking only as friends or if we would begin/continue talking for the sake of a potential future together.

just to be safe though i took it as a "just friends" thing. but i obviously still really liked him. after seeing him last monday i started feeling 2 specific emotions:

1 emotion was that i missed him. even though we text everyday, there was still a disconnect and it was because we weren't there for each other in person. i addressed this to him and he responded something like "are you on campus rn? i would've hit you up but i had guests over" which kind of shocked me but again made me happy that he was willing to see me. 

2 emotion was that i was becoming wishy-washy with how i felt about him. i guess bc it made me confussed on WHY he was still confused on whether or not he liked me. its been a few months and he still wasn't sure. so then i guess i asked myself how i could be so sure. in turn i guess looking back i started to self sabotage the situation. i say that bc right when he starts actively putting in effort (like letting me know when he's busy throughout the day so i dont think he's ignoring me, or just plainly listening to how i want things to change) i start to recede. i start to not give my 100% and go from "i really like him" to "i dont care if we end rn and never talk again" like 20x within an hour.

the self sabotage thing kind of worried me because i noticed we werent as close through texts anymore. it only worried me considering that was the main platform for our "relationship". and i would get upset with myself for trying to ruin things when i only wanted things to work out. but i also can't blame myself bc i no longer had a clear standing with where i stood for him which obviously made me confused. i realized that i mainly felt emotion #2 bc i realized i could no longer trust my intuition when it came to how he felt about me. i could no longer assume/pretend he cared for me the way that i cared for him which made me uneasy. but i tried making sure he couldn't sense my inner war while we texted one another. i think he could tell at some points bc he would make comments like "that doesn't sound like you" or "are you okay?".

anyways. when i had told him that i missed him the weekend after we met up for the argument (first day of school), i had also told him how i want to take advantage of the next 3 months (the remainder of the semester) and how it was important for me to become real life friends with him if we wish to remain friends in the long run. i told him how i dont like this pen pal thing and he told me he would hit me up when his brother, “john”, wouldn't need him around (since they share a car) and that it would most likely be on a friday or something. So then when this week started (the second week of school) i expected to see him on friday. but then i realized that we never really made it official and i wanted to message him and ask. but the only reason why i was hesitant to do that was because i would ALWAYS ask him to come see me last semester and he never would. so i felt that i would (again) be annoying him and that he would make up an excuse. i guess i should add how i mentioned this during our argument last monday and he would keep saying "that was last semester. i made a mistake but that was in the past" etc etc but then again last semester was all that i knew so i was still nervous. i decided that on thursday i would just mention to him how i dont have classes on fridays and if he still wanted to meet up he has to lemme know so i dont pack and go home for the weekend (since i live in an off campus apartment during the week days). but turns out in the end i didnt even need to do that because he texted me thursday morning asking what time my classes end. again i was shocked but excited. i was so happy that it seemed like he was genuinely trying to make an effort with this and that i didnt need to remind him anymore. that he was taking initiation to get things rolling.

soooooo.......thennnnnn we met up. BRUH it was SOOOO BADDDD. it was a lot worse than when we met on monday because at least on monday we had a clear purpose and it made sense to be awkward. i guess it still makes sense to be awkard during the second meet up since it's been a year we truly hunged out but idk it was just unnatural and kind of boring. it was so bad that after we said our goodbyes i legit asked  myself if we could even be friends. ME. IIII asked if IIII could even be FRIENDS with STEVEN after such a boring interaction. but it made me feel even more worse knowing that it was boring because I, myself, made it boring. i guess it takes two people to have a conversation but i definently know for a fact i couldn't be myself with him in person and i was reserved and awkward. there was a bunch of awkward silences and a bunch of short conversations with quick replies. he was normal, just like last monday, he actually talks exactly like how he texts (which a lot of people told me i do as well BUT im sure he wouldn't agree to it considering i dont know how to have a normal human conversation with him in person lol). but i guess i was still nervous. he doesn't really do anything to make me nervous but idk i just cant be chill. it actually upsets me bc i've had plenty of guys who were my friends in the past and i know HOW to have a decent conversation but idk there wasnt any chemistry (funny considering he was my chem TA lol). he was nice about it though but it kind of freaked me out, i started panicking afterwards that he prob thinks that's how i typically am as a person- boring. why would he want to be friends with a boring person, let alone possibly try to have a relationship with one.

trying to understand why i effed up is only making things worse lol. i keep thinking of how its my first time talking and pursuing a guy so maybe thats why im a weirdo BUT this isn't his first time talking to a girl. he knows how things should be and im sure for a fact he knows that im the opposite based on my in person interactions with him. but at the same time it makes me anxious that i might lose something good bc i couldnt be myself in front of him. at the end of the day i genuinely think we click. that's the only reason why i even tried to pursue him. we started bonding right before he graduated last year during tutoring sessions by joking with one another and talking back and forth. yeah eventually once i started having feelings for him i became shy but we still could hold a conversation and bounce off of what the other person said. i still remember that but it makes me worried bc he always says stuff like "oh last year was so long ago, i dont even remember anything". so its like i at least have something to hold onto and be like "yeah based on this, we prob could get along" but for him he doesn't have anything to make him want to stay.

nothing except for the fact that he told me personal stuff that no one else knows. in a way i kind of had this "i told you so" attitude after we met up to myself bc i had wanted to hang out since last semester. i knew this texting back and forth thing was unnatural. yeah we're best friends through texts but we dont have experience talking like that at ALL in person. typically when you meet new people you'll ask things like "how was your day. do you have siblings. what do you wanna do in life" but we can't ask those types of questions bc we already discussed it through texts. and yeah we can talk a bunch of nothings through texts but that's because we've developed a text flow. we have no in person face-to-face flow. its just awkward and choppy. its weird bc it's like we are starting a "relationship" backwards.

anyways the thursday meeting was yesterday (feb 8th) and im still kinda shocked with how bad it went lol. i want to keep trying bc i feel like once i open up we can actually have a really fun "relationship" but im worried that he regrets even talking to me and agreeing seeing me. like idk i kinda feel bad bc if it was boring for me it must've been boring for him too but at the end of the day im the one thats forcing the both of us to actually have in person contact. i dont know if he's gonna hit me up to see him again for next week and tbh i wouldn't even blame him if he wants to end things lol. like that's how bad it was. i was worried to even text him afterwards bc i dont want him to be like "so she DOES know how to talk but only through text" kind of mentality about me but i guess i shouldn't make things awkward between us. i shouldn't make him feel awkward by being awkward myself lol.

i think what could possibly help us is if we text less and talk on the phone more. the main difference between texting and talking is how in text we have time to process what the other person has said and think of a response but when you're talking its more spontaneous. another thing is how even if you text someone for the whole day, if you actually read out your messages it might've only been a conversation that lasted 1 hour in person. so you're not actually talking as much as you think you are through texts. i also feel like if i get the hang of talking to him through the phone it'll be an easier transition for me to talk to him once i see him in person. i would be more comfortable. but my only current problem is asking him if he wouldn't mind talking on the phone. i dont think that's something he would be down for and i also dont wanna come on as too strong. i dont know how i should bring it up and i also dont want him to think he has to make so many different changes to his lifestyle for my sake, a girl he might not even end up with considering he doesn't even know if he likes me enough to "date" me.

i dont know what to do and i really want things to work out between us but the future is so foggy.

just take it one day at a time.