chroniclesofpain - Tumblr blog

[chroniclesofpain]

No Different

Remember that time you tried to hurt me?

That day when you put your hands on me?

That day when you took away what was once so precious?

What possessed you to rip away the soul of a child?

That kid was so innocent.

You took away his ability to be loved.

You took away his desire to play.

Why should a child believe that it's okay,

To allow himself to be abused?

To only feel complete when he's being used?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Did you think that trauma wouldn't leave scars?

No, you were proud of them motherfucker,

And if I'm ever given the chance,

I'll rip out your heart;

Devour it like you fed mine to the demon.

Little did you know I'd make friends with the devil.

Upon my soul he's been feeding,

But now I'm something you'd never imagined.

Accept it or not you've created a monster.

And despite the fact that I'm so damaged,

I'll move on to feed on another.

But I'll be thinking of you as I drain their blood,

Watching the innocence bleed out of their eyes,

No different than the way you did mine,

But I won't have to hurt anymore inside!

Jarred Shah

7/24/2020

[chroniclesofpain]

The Darkness (Revised & Shortened)

As the darkness creeps up next to me I breathe, breathe, breathe...

 

As the darkness returns to my side, I struggle to breathe,

And I still don't know what the fuck it needs.

It can smell my heart as it continues to bleed,

So it starts the gnawing, the gnashing of the teeth.

I've tried to consult the written creed,

But the darkness continues to seethe;

With it, I've continued to plead,

Although of comprimising, it won't even dream.

I'm running out of time for my soul to be freed,

As the darkness has made me someone I can't bear to be.

 

As the darkness creeps up next to me I need, need, need...

I need to bleed,

I need to see,

I need to let it free,

So maybe I can finally breathe.

 

Jarred Shah

6/28/2020

4:10pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Monster's Playground

I look back on the day

That I met the monster

Invited it to play

Heart filled with wonder

Never would've thought

This would be where it'd lead

I might've fought

If I thought I could save the angel inside of me.

 

If I thought this angel could recover

I might fight a little bit harder

And if the child inside still had any wonder

He might play today

With something other than this monster

 

Jarred Shah

6/5/2020

9:56am

[chroniclesofpain]

Scarred By Hate

Hollow inside

I'm beginning to feel

Like I've swallowed my pride

Trying to deal

With the rising tide

Wondering if my desire to live is real

Oh, what wouldn't I give

To allow our worlds to again collide

 

Insides hollow

I forgot how to feel

On hope I choke, swallow

I cannot deal

With life so real

So in my pain I'll wallow

Scarred by hate that'll never heal

 

Jarred Shah

06/2020

[chroniclesofpain]

“Of all the weapons in the world, love is the most dangerous.”

— Seth Grahame-Smith

[chroniclesofpain]

Meaningless Guilt

I remember how good it felt to die.

Even more so, coming back to life.

The guilt means nothing as I watch the tears they cry,

Because for those few moments I don't have to fight.

It was so much more peaceful, serene,

And if there's one thing that I believe,

It's that I won't survive the night. 

Jarred Shah

8/21/2020

6:30pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Vortex

It's an empty world for people like me,

Too tired to even breathe,

And terrified of being freed,

From the prison inside my mind.

From my heart's black hole in which I hide.

Is there treasure for me to find,

Or is it just a vortex endlessly deep?

Into it I place my hopes and my dreams,

Never to be seen again,

Sacrificed to the demons, my friends.

What do I get in return?

Just a comfortable place in which I burn.

This vortex is a dangerous place for people like me.

It sucks the life right out of my soul,

Makes me beg not to grow old.

So I jump, dive into the abyss,

Trusting that the demon, my assassin, will not miss.

 

Jarred Shah

8/25/2020

8:05pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Fate

It had to be fate,

Running into you again.

I'd thought I was too late,

But there you were, God-sent.

That hug, you're warm embrace,

Suggested more than friends.

Everything is falling into place,

Bringing us together again.

Seeing you again today,

Left me wanting more,

Maybe together we'll lay,

Allowing me to unlock your heart's door.

 

Jarred Shah

8/26/2020

3:39pm

[chroniclesofpain]

A Satisfying Death

This world is terrifying,

So I sit in the corner with my back against the wall.

The truth is undenying,

But how much farther can a man fall?

The monster underlying;

Today, upon him will I call?

The rush is satisfying,

But will it ever be enough,

To stop my soul from dying?

The chemicals that I so love,

From my hands they are prying,

But I just can't let go.

It's the only love I know.

This life is terrifying,

This life is undenying,

This life is underlying,

But dying is so satisfying.

 

Jarred Shah

8/26/2020

9:50am

[chroniclesofpain]

Finally Over

How will you know when it's finally over?

Who will you be when you no longer exist?

What will you do with eternal freedom?

When will you begin to accept the present moment?

Where will you be when you wake up dead?

 

Trying to accept living as life,

Is not so easy when you're under God's knife.

I may not understand the last physical breath,

But I'll never forget emotional death.

 

Where does my body go when my soul is dead?

When exactly did I end the present moment?

What will I do now, my soul given my body freedom?

Who am I now that I no longer exist?

How do you know that life isn't finally over?

 

I will not accept living as life,

Especially running from God's surgical knife.

I'll finally understand the last physical breath,

Now that I've experienced emotional death.

 

Jarred Shah

8/26/2020

7:15pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Finally Over, Part 2

What exactly am I trying to hide from myself?

Why can't I feel good without chemical help?

What is so terrible about being sober?

Trading it all, is it finally over?

 

Given chance after chance, blessing after blessing,

Yet I still believe fate I am testing.

With every passing moment, my heart grows colder;

I'll trade it all for the drug, so it's finally over.

 

The only mercy I need,

Is the kind that flows through my veins.

The needle pricks, I bleed;

Emotions finally tamed.

No longer aware of the shame.

Once I made my first move, I began a never ending game.

Every moment I'm sober,

My heart grows colder,

As I wait for God to say, "your life's finally over."

 

Jarred Shah

8/27/2020

7:42am

[chroniclesofpain]

Not a Moment Too Soon

Can you tell how alone I feel?

Can you tell I'm fighting emotions with which I cannot deal?

Can you see the pain in my eyes?

Can you see me waiting for life to pass me by?

Can you see the hurt, the trauma?

Everybody else is living life, but I don't wanna.

To me, life is just a game that I cannot win,

Every time I look in the mirror I cringe.

Why did God send me to war without ammunition?

Where do all these people find their ambition?

I hope you can tell that I've given up.

I hope you can tell that I've had enough.

I want you to understand when I finally leave,

That I had to go, or continue to bleed.

 

-Jarred Shah

8/27/2020

2:24pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Can You Tell?

Can you tell how alone I feel?

Can you tell I'm fighting emotions with which I cannot deal?

Can you see the pain in my eyes?

Can you see me waiting for life to pass me by?

Can you see the hurt, the trauma?

Everybody else is living life, but I don't wanna.

To me, life is just a game that I cannot win,

Every time I look in the mirror I cringe.

Why did God send me to war without ammunition?

Where do all these people find their ambition?

I hope you can tell that I've given up.

I hope you can tell that I've had enough.

I want you to understand when I finally leave,

That I had to go, or continue to bleed.

 

-Jarred Shah

8/27/2020

2:24pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Birds of a Feather

We come from all walks of life,

For some reason brought together here.

Learning how to reach new heights,

Learning how to cope with our fear.

There's got to be purpose underlying it all,

As God makes no mistakes.

So we come together, upon Him we call,

Praying for the courage to choose a new fate.

Now today, here we all are,

Coming together to celebrate,

The fact that we've come so far,

Because we work so hard,

For this better self we create.

So friends, today we come together,

Joining with each other, becoming a family.

And like birds of a feather,

We flock together, surviving the weather;

While we're here, each others side we cannot leave.

As one entity, in sync we breathe,

Helping teach each other to set our hearts free.

 

-Jarred Shah

8/1/2020

12:50pm

[chroniclesofpain]

One More Time

What if we suddenly awoke,

Realized it'd all been a dream?

What kind of feelings would be evoked;

For us what would it mean?

 

And if I could give back all this time,

Run back across the line,

Wings guided by the wind;

Would you let me back in?

 

What if none of this was real;

If I was still by your side?

Could you imagine how I'd feel,

To realize you still wanted to be mine?

 

And if I could trade in all this time,

I'd blow away the lines,

Your wings guided by the wind;

Eager to let you back in.

 

But what if this is true,

Your love forever gone?

Could I live without you?

Would dusk ever return to dawn?

 

Somewhere, inside!

I fear, sunshine!

So scared, I hide!

Broken wing, still try!

But I cannot fly,

When I cannot see my butterfly!

So I, get high!

Silence, the cries!

Justify, my lies!

So I, hide!

Inside, terrified...

 

And if I could give back all this time,

Run back across the line,

Wings guided by the wind;

Would you let me back in?

Can I trade in all my time?

Join you side by side?

Hold you one last time?

One more time, I'd call you mine...

 

I'd give everything!

I'd trade anything!

Just to hold you one more time,

I'd give away my life,

If that meant I got to kiss you goodbye,

One more time...

 

-Jarred Shah

7/18/2020

10:28pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Weight of the World

I sincerely miss

Playing With

The child inside

But now he cries.

There was a time

When he could see sunshine

But now he's scared

He came to life unprepared.

On the ground he lay

Broken, Beaten, Betrayed

And as he begs for relief

He gets crushed by the weight of the world that he lives beneath.

How can a child go on to live

In a world that he perceives has nothing left to give?

Love, Faith, Direction, and Hope

Were dispersed to everyone else;

Skills that can be used to cope

Aren't taught in this childs personal hell.

 

-Jarred Shah

8/8/2020

12:16pm

[chroniclesofpain]

Drowning in Hate

How simple is the solution really?

Is it really that easy to live with these feelings?

Can I learn how to live while hating myself?

Can I function in day to day life without some kind of help?

Will I learn how to cope with the anger, the pain?

Will I learn how to live with the sorrow, the shame?

 

I have hope that I'll figure this out,

That the voice of reason will drown out the screams and the shouts.

But looking at experience, I'll suffer my fate;

Even if I stay sober, my heart will drown in hate.

 

-Jarred Shah

6/6/2020

9:58am

Poetry Slam: 

Slam for Suicide Awareness