chrysanthemums-and-delusions

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ Non-functional nonsense ~

Wrong, wrong, wrong. It feels wrong. When do you get to feel whole? When do you get to feel at peace? Not safe! Wrong, wrong, wrong. So loud! Don’t touch me! Not safe! This is wrong. I want my life back. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I just avoid, avoid, avoid, Everything feels wrong. I don’t know why. It won’t stop! It’s so loud! It’s so wrong!

~ 19/05/2024 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ Fruit flies ~

You don't know where the fruit flies came from; Until you do. You look at the rotten fruit tucked away on your coffee table, You wonder where you went wrong. You throw out the fruit, like you threw away your days, It felt like you only got those fresh apples a split moment ago… With the heavy smell of mold in the air, With the knowledge of the weeks lost, You will keep doing it all over again: “Kun en pose æbler mere…”

~ 15/02/2024 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ Years-long wait ~

I didn't have a childhood… In a way I did. I went to school; I played; I waited for my parents to get home… Now I live my life waiting for them in other people… It's a suffocating loneliness you have been choked by from your first breath; It's a suffocating expectation to want someone to make up for years of.

~ 15/02/2024 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ Well-loved ~

And you cry; You cry for things you don't remember; You cry for things you could never change; You cry for a well-loved child that never even existed; You will never understand how they could be so happy about his birthday cake…

~ 02/02/2024 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

✦ Characters ✦

Jeremy (ToyHouse link) - he/him

Maya (ToyHouse link) - they/he

₊⊹————🌃————⊹₊

Last night I got this idea for this poem thingy and I didn't go to sleep until I finished it... I also made an alternate version that looks like it's on paper ₊⊹————🌃————⊹₊

✦ Alternate version ✦

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ The shame of humanity ~

You can’t help but be mad at yourself, Be embarrassed of your own humanity even. Of those dreams of being fine And of having that happy ending, The happy ending that would negate all the damage; To have golden cracks, to be in your golden hour, To be able to laugh at the past like it was nothing, You are embarrassed to have hoped, to have wanted, to have cared; You can’t help but view your pain and joy as those of a fool, You, frankly, punish yourself for feeling; It’s a cruel way to live, you chastise yourself for being human. You became a graveyard of what you severed, Of what you pushed down in making yourself feel in an “acceptable” amount… Like any sad creature, You hold on to your miserable ideas, That yesterday is irrelevant and yet you relive it,  That today will not matter and yet you grieve it,  That tomorrow will be better and yet you wait and wait, You hold on to them with the desperation of a dying animal. Like any creature with melancholy carved in its bones, You refuse to admit to feeling, you refuse to “lower” yourself like that, After all, it would take saying the worst word that has ever burned your throat: “I”

~ 04/11/2023 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ The wish to not forgive ~

Like any delusional freak, I’ve been thinking of you. Walking down the streets I kinda wish I saw you… I wish you saw me and begged for forgiveness And you wouldn’t get it; I wish I could tell you to your face, “I do not forgive you”; To make you beg, like how I groveled at your feet before, You would plead and cry and come up with excuses, To make me think I’m wrong, like how you did before, I wish you knew how much of a pathetic weed you are The only thing you will ever get from me is a not-subtle “Fuck. You.” But the streets are empty, You are nowhere near sight, I kinda wish I had the chance to send my last reply…

~ 02/11/2023 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ Mourning ~

Step 1: Denial No… It was brief… Step 1: Denial Acceptance You didn’t deserve it, you refuse to humiliate yourself You refuse to beg her to love you Not anymore Step 2: Anger She is ⑇⑆⑈⑇⑆⑈⑉⑈⑉, and she ⑇⑆⑈⑉⑇⑆⑈⑉ You are no longer blind She smashed ~the rose-colored glasses~ herself Step 3: Anger, ANGER, there is only anger, and you accept it You hate her for making you happy You hate her for everything she is You hate her for making you worthless You knew she wasn’t right and yet you begged her You begged her like a dog to love you Step 4: Anger… at yourself… YOU SHOULD HAVE ⑇⑆⑈⑆ How dare you believe in any of this? How dare you believe you are a victim? How dare you believe it could have been any different? This is what you get for thinking you are worth anything Step 5: … I swear I was here before And you were… And to your horror, You are back to square one… You have been avoiding people, haven’t you? You cannot be hurt if they do not see you, right? You know it’s a lie… Step ?: ████████ I wish I could stop myself She left with a piece of me, Like others before, I think of her sometimes, With disdain… with disdain fondness… with disdain fondness pity… With disdain fondness pity… With inhumane regrets and delusional fears…

~ 29/10/2023 ~

[chrysanthemums-and-delusions]

~ The rose rail ~

It was so easy to stop loving You, But it’s hard to let go of who I thought “You” were. You weren’t good for me, I learned to accept that… And yet our memories are still raw and pink. “You” made me love this city, my favorite places… I’ve been trying to love them… without “You”, To erase “You” as a reason. Who I thought “You” were follows me, I see “You” in everything… in the smallest mementos… “You” made taking the light rail home harder than I thought it would be.

~ 02/10/2023 ~