cindelsclouds

[cindelsclouds]

Can't kill myself anymore they boutta release tomodachi life on the switch next year. Fuck suicide🗣🗣🗣💥💥💥🦅🦅🦅

[cindelsclouds]

Whaaat? I'm getting old, I totaallly dont want go back to the past but this time be the perfect child so my parents would love me from the start. I absoluuutely don't wanna go back with all the knowledge of my brother's favorite games so we can be actual siblings instead of just blood related housemates. I reaaaally hate the thought of being in a home where I'm a beloved child not some forgotten weirdo. Boi would that suck.

[cindelsclouds]

"I'll only be happy when I'm cured."

"I'll only be happy when I'm normal."

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of believing that the future I've always wanted can only be found through becoming the person I once was before the neglect. At this point I'll never be happy because I'm setting such unrealistic expectations on myself. Everytime I make a small achievement I try to be happy, and I am. But it's hard to stay happy when I imagine all the other failures I'll have to endure just because I'm 'different'. I thought my mindset was just my way of being kind to myself. But isn't it cruel? Is being cured the only path to joy? If so then what if it never happens? What if I'll always be ill? Can't I stay happy even if it means I might never be normal?

[cindelsclouds]

THATS SO REAL!! I literally experienced that a few years ago except with a different illness. I kept thinking "What if I'm overreacting and It's actually normal, everyone has it, but now since I said it I look like an attention seeker." At the time and honestly even now there's so many people faking illnesses for donations/attention that I was so afraid thinking maybe I'm also faking it. But again my social life was dead and so were my grades so I was like "No way this had to be real right?" It took my parents a lot of convincing but eventually I got my doc and after more visits plus a lot of testing I finally got diagnosed😭 Hoping nothing but the best for you and sorry for yapping!! good luck with your consultations!!

ill teenage girl

For the past two years I´ve been feeling extremly tired and fatigued and overall in pain, but for some reason i tought it was normal and everyone felt that way so i never told anyone how awfull i always felt. But recently that feeling had became worser and impated my life in all possible ways. At this moment I can´t do anything without being in constante pain, tiredness and stress, so i decided to finally tell my mom because i became aware that the way i felt and the way i was living my life was everything but healthy and normal. I gave her a list with all of the symptoms i had and suprisingly she showed concern, wich was weird because i was sure i was just being dramatic, I also told her that I´ve did some digging and my symptoms match POTS symptoms peerfectly. Looking trought all the books, websites and videos felt like I was playing bing, every new symptom it said it was also something I felt on a daily basis.

My mom booked a lot of appointments, and consoults, and exams, and a buch of other stuff so I can be diagnosed. I already know I have tachycardia and hypermobility wich sucks to live with but feels so good to know about it and be able to do something, the problem is that those two dieseses don´t explain everything I feel so we´re still searching.

Tomorow i have an orthopedic consoult and I´m so nervous. I always get nervous with doctors because i forget what I wanted to say so I seem like some annoying little kid who only wanted to ditch school and the doctors start talking in a way like they know what I feel better than me and that I actualy don´t feel pain and it´s all in my head, and as a sensitive and easily maniputated person that makes me think they could be right and I´m only doing all of this to get attention after all they´r professionals and know what they are doing so who am I do question? But then I think why would i fake feeling like shit 24/7, not being able to hang out with my friends, struggling to do the most basic things, getting bad results at school because I cant focus, feeling nausea the entire time and wayyy more things????

WHY WOULD I BE FAKING THIS????????????????

Tomorow I´m going to a doctor I´ve never been before so I´ll be praying he´s able to do his job and help me feel a little bit better.

[cindelsclouds]

Yo how do I tell which memories are mine, which are fake, and which didn't actually happen and were just dreams? Like bro how am I supposed to know which is which? I just remember but I can't tell the difference. Cause are you 100% sure I woke up cause I had a dream that I woke up then I woke up but that was supposedly another dream and then I woke up but after that I woke up. And this time I'm actually awake...or am I? Did I really wake up this time or am I just endlessly dreaming of waking up? Is this reality now? I don't know.

[cindelsclouds]

Most people my age wonder what the future holds, but I can't even tell if mine will exist. I can barely handle being physically present at class. I hate how much effort I have to put to be as functional as the rest. I'm hard to love. I can't even have a family one day cause I'm afraid of passing my illness to my children. Funny how this could've been all avoided if I was just born with better dna.

[cindelsclouds]

Felt like a loser. So I made chicken curry. Now I'm just waiting for the potatoes and chicken to soften in the stew. This might be my only productive action today. I'll spend the rest rotting in my bed until I feel better. I hate sick days.

[cindelsclouds]

Hello!! I made some fanart of Maisie! I really love your design of her so I hope I did her some justice. She's really cute. I love her outfit but I still have little to no idea on how to draw cute clothes so I just gave her a new hairdo😭 Plus a hair band and a few bows. If I ever get better at drawing outfits I'll try redoing it with a cute dollette outfit! Ty for the series its fun to read and all your ocs are wonderful:DDD

DISABLED & Stylish! Series

A series I'm making on disability/disabled characters AND fashion!

Because we can be cute or attractive, we can be fashionable, while being disabled!

I try my best to be informed on the conditions I do not have, if you have corrections, feel free to comment them!

If you have any ideas for a character + a fashion style/aesthetic or a subculture, please comment it.

This is Maisie! a ''Dollette'' inspired OC.

She/her. 19

Canadian.

Transgender woman, lesbian.

Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Wears pink compression gloves & compression knees sleeves, also pink.

Her most common symptoms are fatigue. Stiffness and Pain & swelling on joints (mostly knees, wrists and hands).

Poet & also, a hopeless romantic. 

Likes to write poetry! Make gifts for others... as you can tell her love language is actually gift giving. Doesn't go outside that much. she's very shy, likes to stay in bed, reading.

[cindelsclouds]

I hate being a financial burden to my family. The costs of doctor visits, medicine, theraphy sessions, and my future tuition fee from a school that's meant to cater to ill people like me. I'm already an expensive issue but if by next year I'm still the same way then I'll be sent to a significantly more expensive facility. I just can't. I'm not even disabled I'm just pathetic. Its been 3 years since I've been diagnosed and I'm still in the deep end, asked my doc if I was disabled because I was becoming increasingly concerned. But she just directed me to a therapist. Ma'am, respectfully, what am I? Is it okay for me to hope that I'll be cured? Is this permanent? Can I become a useful member of society one day or will I just be a parasite to my family? Am I just the living definition of wasted potential? I'm scared that might be all I am but I'm terrified if that's all I'll ever be.

[cindelsclouds]

I'm used to being constantly reminded of the past. I'm used to sobbing over circumstances I've never had control over. I'm used to mourning the childhood I never had. I'm used to resenting the person I should've been. I'm used to every lie that's been repeatedly smashed into my skull. I'm used to every pill I drink hoping one day I'll be whole. But it still hurts. It still fucking hurts. All I wanted was to be okay.

[cindelsclouds]

How am I supposed to believe I’m worthy of love if I’ve had to beg for it my whole life?

[cindelsclouds]

New year, hopefully better me cause I'm tryna lose my diagnosis:""DDD Please no relapse😭😭

I've made a lot of progress last year! I attended physical classes for the first time in a while since I dropped out. I skipped a lot of classes because of my delusions and trembling but I managed to pass all of them. And my new friends are pretty understanding of my condition. All of them were very open minded and weren't scared or judgemental because I have a psychotic disorder. I mean sometimes they'd make typical schizo jokes but I don't mind it.

Still regularly suicidal and delusional despite that. But erhm I learned how to cook a neat creamy chicken dish. Forgot it's name cause a stickman on a slideshow taught me it. But he's dope, I like him. I made a joke in public today and no one really laughed, years ago I'd die from that but now I don't mind. I took some neat pictures last year but my phone got stolen so I don't have them anymore. But making new memories wouldn't hurt. The sooner I make them, the more I'll be able to forget my past.

I'm not okay, but I'm still somehow better. Healing is never instant. The last time I felt truly normal I was 6. My symptoms started at 7. Every year got worse as the neglect persisted. But now I don't even hallucinate as much as I did before. I can go to a normal school again. I have more friends than I have fingers. To be fair its hard to maintain them and I dont talk to most of them that much, but to think there are more than 10 people who talked to me and thought I was cool. Thats...woah. Hehe. Heehehehe. It makes me smile like an idiot.

If I keep this up, in a few years I might be able to maintain a proper job, keep myself fed, and have room to get myself the gifts I've always wanted. I'll give my best even if it kinda looks pathetic cause das all I kinda got right now. Go me🔥🔥🔥

[cindelsclouds]

Accidentally overdosed last night now my legs and arms are periodically switching turns with shaking in an increasingly fast manner. My brain isn't doing that good either. The things I'd do just to get a chili's triple dipper rn... I don't wanna be ill I just want some nashville hot mozarella pocket thingys with a thick cheese pull smothered in ranch. Just one bite is enough to give me a lifetime's worth of cholesterol and joy. I wouldn't mind being a schizo if there was a chili's down the street givin me a lifetime supply of triple dippers. I wish...

[cindelsclouds]

Being a schizo is wild. One moment I'm okay and the next I've completely forgotten who I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, who I'm with, and where I am. I lose all sense of identity and memory. My head felt so light as I looked around and couldn't recognize my own house. Not even my own family. I was completely disconnected from reality. And I did that shit sober lmao. Can't believe people need wine or drugs to feel that, I had that shit built in chemically. Kinda freaky if you ask me but it's also like a super useless mentally deteriorating superpower.

[cindelsclouds]

A part of me will always mourn the person I should've been if I was never ill. She would've smiled wider, acted kinder, and be more loved than I ever was. She wouldn't have dropped out. She wouldn't need pills to achieve the bare minimum. She wouldn't be so neglectful to the few people who understand her.

But ay the bitch never lived so I guess there's no point in mournin. Plus even if she did I'd still be the cooler version cause...Idk I just wanna feel better about my patheticness. She would've been better in every way, but the person I am now is everything I've worked hard to preserve from my former self. It's not as pure as a lily or as beloved as a rose. It's more like a small lettuce stem that's been cut from the rest and now has to regrow from a different pot. These days I've been growin pretty slowly. Some days I don't grow at all. Some days I do nothing but decay. But I still want to find the courage to live. Then maybe one day I'll become whole again.

[cindelsclouds]

I hate my pills but I can't live without them either. The moment I stop taking them I'll revert back to an even more incredibly unstable version of me. I wish they had a strawberry flavor or at least a gummy vitamin texture. But if they did I think I'd overdose lol. Maybe it's for the best.

[cindelsclouds]

Everyone seems so focused with their futures while I'm still trying to make amends with my past. Every time I try to catch up I just end up falling all over again, and they'll keep walking without looking back. It hurts. I wanted to walk beside you. I wanted to stay important to you. There's so many lives I want to be a part of but I'll keep failing them endlessly. At first I couldn't understand why I felt so disgusting when I connect with beloved friends. Now I know why. I'm disgusted at how utterly replaceable I am. Barely any of them ever text me, some haven't for months while others for years. I can't blame them, ever since my symptoms took control of my life I haven't been the same person since. Even if I've learned to live with it, it'll never take away the neglect I've given to the people I love most. I've fallen too far, and it's not their duty to wait for me. But sometimes I'd wish they'd turn back and check on me.