cinnamoonlightt - Tumblr blog

[cinnamoonlightt]

i just want to go home but i dont know if i know where home is anymore

[cinnamoonlightt]

I’m exhausted.

Somehow there are so many things in my head that I cannot concentrate on anything. It’s just one big blurred mess.

I’m unsatisfied with everything i do, or don’t.

I don’t like reading anymore, no movie, tv-show or music seems appealing anymore. Every conversation seems fake and just so unnecessary. Even spending time with someone that’s company i really value feels off and just odd.

I am very scared of failing academically, yet I cannot get myself to study. I just know that after I did it I’ll feel better and it ain’t that bad. *Arghhhhhhhrhhhrhrh*

I don’t know what to do with myself. I am so annoyed by all this.. i just want to be angry, scream, punch something and let it all out.

There’s nothing, not a single drop of energy to get out of bed. Couldn’t get up to brush my teeth in a couple of days.

I don’t even know what my goddamn problem is?! I thought I’ve been through the worst, yet it just reappears occasionally.

I’d say I hate it, but if I hated it that much I’d do something against it, right?

How can existing be so goddamn exhausting???

[cinnamoonlightt]

anyway. I wanna fuck

[cinnamoonlightt]

[cinnamoonlightt]

[cinnamoonlightt]

[cinnamoonlightt]

I don’t want to ruin someone’s life by being in it

[cinnamoonlightt]

[cinnamoonlightt]

source

[cinnamoonlightt]

What if?

[cinnamoonlightt]

my entire life is just a test to see if i’ll commit suicide or homicide first

[cinnamoonlightt]

i am not okay

It is too hard.

My head won’t stop.

There is too much going on.

Too many words have been said.

Too many things have happened.

I have fought for so many years, pretending to be fine.

Pretending to be okay.

i will stop fighting now.

I give up.

05.04.21

[cinnamoonlightt]

I feel like I am drowning.

Drowning in my thoughts.

Drowning in my own head.

There are some days where I find myself swimming whilst the ocean seems to stay calm.

But only a blink and everything is back to how it was.

I am drowning again.

Trying to hold onto something and to stay above the water but the storm and water is pulling me down, not giving me any chance to survive or even catch a breath.

I can feel and hear the pressure above and around me. it is forcing me to give in and let go.

A moment of silence.

is it over?

05.04.21

[cinnamoonlightt]

[cinnamoonlightt]

Hahahahaha I felt that so much hahahahaha

[cinnamoonlightt]

Signs I’m restricting well enough, again:

Waking up dizzy, so having to get up slowly

Small bruises everywhere

Noticing a little less fat everyday

Seeing new bones for the first time in ages

Hard to focus on things properly

Feeling soooooo much happier as I see myself gradually losing inches

Cottonmouth from lack of saliva (I recommend drinking water and then swishing coconut oil for a few minutes to help moisturize a bit and whitens teeth!)

My pajamas are fitting me looser and looser everyday, soon I’ll have to buy new ones

Everyday being able to slide my hand down my wrists a little further

Feeling so cold all the time, luckily being able to cover it with “winter”

Can’t sleep more than 7 hours because of insomnia

Food disgusts me again

Most of these are technically negative side effects but I’m addicted to those feelings, atleast I know I’m doing something right and all of my hard work is paying off ✨

[cinnamoonlightt]