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It is an actual travesty that there is not a girl sitting in my lap right now

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my mom looking at my dad while handing money to the clerk for the grocery store toy that she wasn't gonna buy for me except dad said yes so she has to buy it now

this looks an awful lot like a new meme guys what do you think

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so far tonight I've made suggestive noises at my crush over Discord group voice chat, gotten my hair caught in a box fan, and slept for 20 minutes before having a nightmare that'll keep me awake for another couple hours. F.

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a guy hit on me today (as a joke) and I straight-up asked if he has a sister

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Okay so I found a list of shitpost calligraphy I planned to write, back when I was into calligraphy and I need to share some of the gems I uncovered:

“You can’t lose at checkers if you sEt THE BOARD ON FIRE”

“How to Get a Hot Body: set yourself on fire”

“You can grate cheese on his abs, what more do you want in a man?!”

“*Sings in disagreement*”

“Cheesus, the son of Gouda”

And my personal favorite:

“Part time togetherslapper of words”

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shoutout to the kid in my online class who entered the zoom meeting with the username "fart noises" and didn't notice until after the prof called roll

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Can you do something for me, please?

I want you to reblog this if you believe that two people can be very close and physically affectionate with one another, but still have a completely nonsexual, non-romantic relationship. 

Even if the two people in question are capable of being sexually or romantically attracted to one another. 

Because the friendship I share with someone I consider family in a way that transcends blood has been typecast as a romantic relationship ENTIRELY too many times, and I’m beginning to get sick of it. 

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Intrusive thoughts are not quirky or cute. Stop acting like they are.

Intrusive thoughts are when you're chilling at a family reunion and your brain asks you whether any of them would miss you if you died.

Intrusive thoughts are when you're working late with three other people and your brain suggests having an orgy, despite that you're gay and there's massive age gaps and some of them are married.

Intrusive thoughts are when you're just vibing with a friend and your brain starts rehearsing how efficiently you could murder them.

Intrusive thoughts are not quirky or cute. Stop acting like they are.

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look maybe passing does make your life less difficult, but if you have to cram part of yourself into a box to pass, then it's just going through life cosplaying as somebody else.

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I want to scream out that I am nonbinary, that my name is CJ and my pronouns are they/them. As I live and breathe right now, there are people who would erase me. I will be misgendered 'til the day I die; and unless I outlive all my family, my deadname will be on my tombstone. I've watched my ex-girlfriend be buried in a suit. I know what it's like to be the only one who still carries the memory of who someone really was. I want to scream and shout and make sure that everyone knows, that everyone remembers me. History obliterates, and I don't want to be obliterated.

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naughty Gaud gets the jar

I Am Going Into The Sleep Now

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are you ever such an absolute nerd that you stare at someone's active icon on Discord and just pine like a stupid little fool?

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Shared mental illnesses/trauma are a different level of bonding. It's like "oh, you tried to kill yourself? I have also tried to kill myself!" *awkward fistbump to celebrate that we're both still alive*

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workplace safety meetings really are like: due to tragic and unforeseeable circumstances, the thing we definitely knew was sorta busted has broken completely, and has unfortunately killed Julia. We'll be docking all of your paychecks to cover OSHA's $1,100 "oh no please don't kill people" fine, and we'll be passing a hat for her funeral expenses.

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are you feeling bad? remember THOT!

Are you Thirsty?

Are you Hungry?

Are you Overwhelmed?

Are you Tired?

Drink something! Eat a snack! Take a break! Take a nap! I love you and I’m proud of you, and I know you can make it through this!

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fae: may I have your name?

me: you may call me CJ. do you want my pronouns?

fae: what pronouns do you use?

me: *slides the fae a $20* you can have my pronouns

fae: okay...may I have your pronouns?

me: she/her

fae: ...thanks?

me, skipping off into the distance: OH NO, MY TRANSPHOBIC FRIENDS AND FAMILY, THE FAE TOOK MY PRONOUNS. GUESS Y'ALL WILL HAVE TO CALL ME THEY/THEM NOW...WHAT A SHAME

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Inspired by @somethinggonzothiswaycomes with the Apocalypse Outfits series, here are some various things I could definitely rock.

Sapphic Swashbuckler

+2 valorous slayer of zombies

-1 can't speak to hot people

Dubiously Helpful Quest Guide

+2 Welcome to Jumanji energy

+1 Child who found a big stick energy

Wiscavé the Wild Wizard

-2 charisma

+2 Weird energy

+1 cooking skills

Baby Punk

+4 to all attacks against Nazis

-1 not as tough as they look

The Tank

+4 stronk

-1 to intellect

Yarnpunk

+3 fiber arts skills

-1 the hooks aren't actually sharp

Queercoded Cartoon Villain

+2 gay energy

+2 nonbinary energy

-2 the sword is a floppy stage prop

Proud Collector of Other People's Gear

+3 resourcefulness and ingenuity

-1 briefly paralyzed by phrase "swiper no swiping"

Kyle

+2 bad attitude (does NOT want to be here in the first place)

-4 charisma

-2 can neither fight nor fend for themself