cleanse-me-acid-rain - Tumblr blog

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

fun mentally ill things

never washing off your makeup

there is garbage all throughout your room

never washing your clothes or your dishes

what the fuck is a shower

when you just looked at the clock it was 12 but now its 4 am and you dont know how that happened

up all night, asleep all day

u either dont eat at all or you eat until u need to puke

those days that you just cannot get out of bed

‘have you tried yoga?’

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Posting because I have nobody to talk to and I need to get this out.

I've been thinking a lot about how I come off to other people, particularly how that affects my love life. At this time last year I was incredibly happy. It was the calm before the whole storm that probably has left me in the worst mental state I have ever been in. During the worst of it I had about 3 or 4 close calls almost leading me to get 5150'd again. I had never felt more worthless and unwanted, and even to this day I still think about it and break down. Because I knew I needed to move on, and that "the best way to get over a guy is to get under another" I started talking to some people online again to see if I could salvage a connection with someone. Definitely was not trying to just hook up in order to forget him because I know that's not good for me and that it would probably make me feel worse. So I find this one guy, seems alright, being brave I actually message the dude first instead of waiting to see if they notice me. He messages back, it's cool, we start texting, I tell my friends and they start teasing me and calling the dude my bf which I don't like but it's whatever. I was pretty content talking to him. We meet in person and the first meeting goes pretty well. We talk about hanging out again and eventually we do. Things are a bit more awkward but neither of us mention it. I get a pretty strong gut feeling that he doesn't wanna talk anymore and found someone else, but continue talking to him until I have actual proof of my suspicions (it's not bad if he found someone else like I understand but I just wanna be told so I don't keep trying to talk to you and look like an idiot) And a few weeks later I find out he got a gf (through fb, he didn't tell me) and it didn't affect me too badly. Like I was okay with it and wasn't crying over it. It did however bring up the previous heartbreak that I went through previously and for a week or two it felt like I was going through it again. No Bueno. After I pick myself up again from that episode I decide to go online again (although it's acceptable I just don't personally talk to multiple guys at once, I find one I like and focus all my attention on them) and I find another dude. Also pretty cool, I also felt brave again and actually messaged him first. This time though I wanted to do something different. I'm aware that I have a lot of struggles, and that I definitely tend to project my insecurities, and that maybe that's what turns guys away from me. So with this guy, I wasn't gonna do that. I was gonna be the person that I am when I'm the happiest. I was gonna be more positive and not tell him stuff that's wrong with me immediately and most of all I wasn't gonna be insecure. Fake it til you make it, right? So we start talking online and after a couple of weeks we start texting. It felt like we were connecting. I also didn't really tell my friends about him until we had been talking for like 2 months. About a month in he asked if I was interested in ever meeting up, I cautiously said yes (he lives like an hour away and for all I knew he could be a catfish) and he said that we could always Skype first and stuff and I was like sure okay. So about a month and a half passes and we didn't really talk about meeting up at all but we are talking often and occasionally he would send me these cute messages like "Hey gorgeous, I just wanted to say hi and hope that your day is great, you rock!" So I'm like aw and I'm slowly starting to like this dude a lot and part of me is freaking out because no way in hell do I want to get attached and broken again. Eventually he casually mentions meeting up and seeing eachother someday , and I take a chance and ask if he wants to talk on the phone or skype sometime, he says yes and about a week later we skype. The call goes really well and we talked for a little over an hour. I feel really good about this dude. He texts me the next day saying how nice it was to actually see me and talk with me which felt good because I felt really nervous about skyping because I felt like once he saw me that he wouldn't wanna talk anymore. Obviously I kept that to myself though because I'm not trying to be insecure around him. Well the day after that he asks if I'd like to go to dinner with him. This is where my nerves really kick in. I say yes, because I want to see him. But now I'm completely being overwhelmed by my self doubt and insecurities. Like I feel like once he sees me in person that he's gonna ghost on me and never wanna see me again and that it's not gonna work out. We planned the dinner two weeks from the day he asked me. We skyped again, another great conversation. Valentines day comes (3 days before we go to dinner) and I tried to be cute and I asked him to be my valentine :p he said yes and that he wanted to bring me a Valentine's gift on Friday when he sees me and on my end I'm actually tearing up a little. I told him how much I appreciated even the thought of doing that and he told me that I was special to him and that the fact that he could make me feel special warmed his heart and I'm like fuck I like this dude and I'm gonna see him Friday and what if he never wants to see me again and I'm extremely nervous. He's extremely excited. The day comes and he drives over here after work and I get in his car and he's like, extremely handsome. Like shit. I can't stop staring. Apparently when I opened the door to get in he was opening his to get out (he wanted to be a gentleman and open my door for me I guess but I was too taken aback by this dude) But we get to the restaurant and even though I called ahead we were waiting for a table for like 20min. And this old drunk couple starts talking to us and they asked him why the hell he drove two hours to eat here and he looked at me and said that he came all the way to have dinner with me and the old people were like aww and they started asking us how we met and all this stuff but then we finally got our table. Dinner went really well, we talked and laughed and stuff and afterwards we got back in the car (he opened my door for me this time) and he gave me this gift bag and I look inside and this dude not only got me gifts for Valentine's day.. but he got my cat a gift too and I'm literally holding back tears like that's the most thoughtful thing. So we hug in the car and he takes me home and I decided to give him a little stuffed animal that I got when I was on vacation and he kept saying how sweet that was and how cute it is. He drove me home and he got out of the car to hug me goodbye and that was that. I was very happy and started to cry a little once I got inside because it seemed like it went well and I was so happy. But now I'm here. The dinner went really well, and I thanked him for everything and he said he was glad he came to see me. But I'm starting to feel bad again but this time I really can't tell if it's my gut feeling or if it's my insecurities overpowering everything but I don't know how he feels about me now after meeting me. It feels like he's texting less but I can't tell if that's an actual indicator of disinterest or if it's just me like this past week hasn't been the best for him so that could be a reason as well but I just don't know why exactly I'm feeling bad because I'm getting the gut feeling that it's not gonna work out or if it's just me ruining it for myself and it's driving me insane because I feel like if I ask him how he feels now that literally everything I'm insecure about will project itself which will turn him away but if it's my gut telling me that something is wrong and he just stops talking to me it's gonna break me and I can't handle that again. So that's where I am. I just had to get it out. Sorry if you read this whole thing and wasted your time but feel free to comment on my actions. :p

[cleanse-me-acid-rain]

My mom said that today in church her pastor said in the sermon that Jesus told us to help the poor, and taking money away from public schools to give to charter schools only widens the gap between the rich and the poor.  She then added that Jesus spoke against adultery and lust and would not have approved of bragging about sexually assaulting women.  According to my mom, people got up and walked out.

The pastor also started the sermon by noting that she’d heard of another minister who read the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount at the pulpit, to be told by the so-called Christian parishioners after the service that it was offensive and they didn’t agree.

The Sermon on the Mount is straight up the words of Jesus.

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someone: you were pretty good at that thing, why'd you stop doing it?

me internally: I get extremely anxious when I think about doing something I might possibly succeed at because I base my self-worth on my achievements and other people's approval, I am afraid because I know I will never be able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations, I hate making mistakes because they make me feel worthless, I take negative feedback too personally, I feel immense guilt over not doing things that I've been avoiding which just makes me avoid them more, I feel ashamed and inadequate due to how difficult it is for me to stay committed to anything, I'm worried that I'll just end up disappointing myself and the entire world, and I am convinced that if I failed I would literally die.

me externally: idk i guess i've just been kinda busy lol

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reblog this if you actually like following me.

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She may cry but her tears will dry when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia.

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Weirdly anti-millennial articles have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard that they are now two feet down into the topsoil

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do u ever just get uneasy or start crying when someone is really nice to u and expresses genuine interest in ur wellbeing and then ur like fuck…. am i rlly that deprived of love and emotional intimacy lmfao

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pretty much every vegetable you hated as a little kid would taste better if you roasted it with salt and olive oil instead of boiling it

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In love with this wonderful book of poetry.

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I got a kitten recently. Her name is Ophelia (Opie for short) and she's currently my main source of any joy.

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1. Do not date a boy who does not care what your favourite song is. The boy who does not care what melodies ignite your heart strings with love and wonder while staring at passing street lights on the last train home, will not care if it’s 2 a.m. and your heart is breaking. 2. Do not let anyone fold you up like last winters tattered scarf and put you away with the others in a neatly labeled box. Even when there’s thunder and the sky is crying, you are your mum’s favourite summer dress. You are to wear yourself like you believe it. 3. We are all stories. Write yours how you want. Make today’s chapter about purposely taking the wrong bus and discovering a tiny blue tea shop, or folding origami paper hearts over and over on your window sill. Just make sure it’s something you’d enjoy reading. 4. I will always try to save you. 5. Someday you will be 19 and lost and heartbroken and you will think about a place you’ve seen on TV or heard or read about in a book or seen a picture of. You will feel your heart drop into your stomach. Go there. For a day, a month, forever, but it’s important that you go. 6. The world is so beautiful. Do not let the slumped over homeless man outside the convenience store or the stories of guns and bombs on the television let you believe otherwise. We are all so lost. All of us. We all show it in different ways. I write bad poems. Others start wars. There is no inherent evil, only good people searching too hard. 7. I love everything about you. 8. Money turns people into liars and emotional ghosts. School grades are an inaccurate representation of you. Measure your life’s worth in how many times you’ve nearly lost your life to laughter, how many books you’ve closed with happy tears in your eyes, people whose lives you’ve brought joy to, marshmallows eaten, or countries visited. 9. Don’t ever let anyone tell you to stop crying. Cry if you want to. It’s okay. You’re allowed. 10. My best friend once told me that the most important decision he had ever made was to love everyone and everything. He’s the only person I’ve ever known to have a viewable aura of light around him. Don’t forget to love this world, to love people. Be light. You are already mine.

10 things I will tell my daughter. - Julia LaValley (via astrolily)

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The love post

I came back on here and saw that the last time I was on here I was so happy. Like cute little schoolgirl happy. Even though I had plenty of shit I was going through at home, none of that mattered when I was with Alex. It's just so weird thinking that of all things a guy was what helped me forget my problems for a bit. Usually that happens with guys, but it doesn't last long because they're just using me for sex or whatever. This was different, and I think that's why it hurts so much and why it still hurts after months. For once in my life, the feelings felt mutual. He took me on my first actual date and it was wonderful, he didn't mind being seen in public with me. He was attentive and caring. He was extremely kind and affectionate and I had never felt more loved than the times I was with him. For once, something was there. And that's what kills me, because it still wasn't enough. He found someone else and just stopped talking to me. I was devastated, and hurt. I just wish he could have been honest and told me that he didn't think it was gonna work out. Instead of ghosting on me and me finding out through Facebook. I wasn't quite in love with him, but I know for certain that I loved him. I still do, even though every part of me wants to be angry at him and hate him. I just can't though, because we always told eachother that we just wanted eachother to be happy, and that's still true for me. I want him to be happy, and if he is, then that's good. I just wish I could have been a part of it. It's just so hard to get over though. I've tried to the best I can. At this point I don't know what else I can do to get over him. I thought that I've been through enough shit that heartbreak wouldn't feel so terrible but man, I was so wrong.

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Oh look I was gone for the longest time.

I think I haven't been on since February. Man, shit happened. It's kinda sad because the last time I was on here I was actually doing pretty well. That being said, I'm probably gonna be venting for a few posts. I probably should have done that while shit was going down but hey stuff happens and I really need to put this on some sort of platform that the two people I hang out with don't see because I don't want them to be concerned. So yeah, you've been warned (if anyone actually reads this)

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SHES WHISPERING SO HER PARENTS WONT HEAR HER

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Deku Link plays “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis”