cloud--dust

[cloud--dust]

Appaloosa at Haras Redenção

[cloud--dust]

Horses, A New Publication by Utagawa Hiroshiage II (1847-48)

[cloud--dust]

Eugène Delacroix (1798 - 1863). Cheval Sauvage. 1828. Lithograph.

National Museum of Wildlife Art

[cloud--dust]

Hello, I hope you're doing well.

I really like the content of your account and thought I'd try asking a question. Sorry if it's already been asked or if my English is bad (I use a translator to make as few mistakes as possible).

So my question is, how do you live your Clinical Zoanthropy ? It's something I've always been interested in but I've never had the chance to ask anyone about their experience. What is it like ? How did you find out ? How difficult is it to live with ? I'd really like to learn more about it, if you don't mind of course.

Thank you for your patience,

Have a nice day.

Sorry for taking a while to respond to this. I hope my answer is satisfactory. I do not like going too deep into my own medical history, and earlier attempts in my life to explain has only garnered negative responses, so apologies if it's not as extensive of a response as you might've liked.

Answer below cut.

I'll start off with saying that not everyone with clinical zoanthropy have the exact same experiences. There are of course things that are very similar for all of us, but I just wanted to put it out there that I am only one of many. I also personally use the label mostly to find other zoanthropes, as it is a medicalized term that has a history of violence. I've also seen this belief that we all believe our experiences to be a delusion. Some zoanthropes do. I personally do not consider me being a horse, and transforming into one, a delusion. It is what I was born as.

I hope it's ok I answer your questions more broadly, as more of a description of my general experience, instead of like a checklist. It is easier for me. Might be a bit disordered.

I didn't really "discover" I was a zoanthrope, it is a term that was given to me by humans to describe what I am experiencing. But I have known I am a mustang since I was very young, and I've experienced transformations for much of my life. Though big parts of my memories of the past are spotty at best, gone at worst. It was only later in life I had the terms and words to describe what was happening to me.  In the beginning, the thought that everyone around me could see my transformations — transformations that I couldn't quite control and therefore had to repress. It terrified me. Not the transformations, but the thought that the humans would see and take away the only thing I have that makes me even close to what I once was. My only connection to what I lost.  I eventually realized no one but me could perceive these transformations. My zoanthropy affects almost every part of my life. It affects how I act and think, and how I interact with most of the people I meet. I have to take medications so the humans don't sedate and restrain me. I have to tell everyone that what I am experiencing is a delusion so I don't get hospitalized. To even be treated like a person. If even that. 

This turned into a bit of a vent. Apologies.

I hope these responses are adequate. Some things I am simply not comfortable sharing, but feel free to ask for clarifications.

I hope for a nice day for you as well.

[cloud--dust]

pine nut mountain mustangs 🌾

[cloud--dust]

"Vesper" Pryor Mountain, Wyoming

Photo by Pryorwild

[cloud--dust]

Painting of a mustang in gouache.

[cloud--dust]

One major factor that makes the nature of psychiatric treatment intrinsically violent is the fact that the boundaries of the patient is considered an obstacle to treatment. The lack of consent of the patient is considered an obstacle to treatment. These obstacles are abhorred by psychiatry and considered things that much be broken down. If the patient has a disagreement with the treatment, or objects to it, this is considered a symptom and therefore is seen as something not to be validated or respected. Thoughts, behaviors, beliefs; these are all considered symptoms if they are in opposition to treatment and must be broken down. However, compliance with treatment is almost never seen as disordered or symptomatic, even if the patient is fawning or similarly complying to avoid more harm done to them. The fact that only extreme compliance is accepted by psychiatry is inherently violent and conditions people to accept abuse. Isolation and violence are not vectors of healing.

[cloud--dust]

psycho

I said I wasn't going to give anon hate any attention, but this is hilarious.

How long did it take you to come up with that one?

[cloud--dust]

Salinegro - Sorraia x Lusitano

[cloud--dust]

Mustang stallions square off in the Onaqui Mountains.

[cloud--dust]

[cloud--dust]

Wesley Dennis (1903-1966)

[cloud--dust]

Horse Mule breed of the day: Pega Mule

Height: 13 -16 hh

Common coat colors: Various chestnuts, bay, grey and roan

Place of origin: Brazil

[cloud--dust]

"Vamoose" Theodore Roosevelt National Park, North Dakota

Photo by Claudia Hebert-Low

[cloud--dust]

Homicidal Ideation

homicidal ideation is the term for having active thoughts about murdering others. these thoughts can be intrusive, however they can also often be voluntary.

misconceptions:

‘people who have these thoughts either have killed someone or will kill someone in the future’ - this is false. most people who have these thoughts usually have disordered behaviours (most commonly as a result of personality disorders) and struggle to find healthy ways to cope with their emotions, therefore provocation and stress can easily cause thoughts of inflicting harm onto others. this doesn’t inherently mean these people are dangerous, nor does it mean that they’re going to act upon these thoughts. most people who experience homicidal ideation never act on it and use it more as a way to process their distress/frustration internally.

‘having these thoughts about people in your life means you can’t possibly care for them’ - also false. caring for someone doesn’t make them an exception to mental illness and it doesn’t stop your mental illnesses from existing. to think that someone’s love for you is only valid as long as they’re not displaying traits of mental illness is unfair and is hugely misinformed. to love and be loved by someone who is mentally ill is to accept that they will display symptoms of their mental illness. you are not the exception and they do not love you any less by showing traits of being unwell.

‘so you endorse murder’ - no. that’s not at all what this means and if you seriously think this then your grasp of severe mental health issues is too limited to be commenting on such topics.

‘you’re evil’ - for being unwell? don’t be a cunt. if you seriously think that having a disordered manner of processing emotions internally makes someone ‘evil’ then that sounds more like an issue with you being too sensitive and having a lack of understanding, not an issue with the mentally ill person experiencing these thoughts. don’t make your inability to understand mental illness into someone else’s problem.

as someone who does experience homicidal ideation, it’s also important to not make the mistake of assuming everyone who is mentally ill experiences these thoughts either. i had an anonymous ask earlier today that directly associated the fact i’m mentally unwell with murder and homicidal thoughts, to immediately make this assumption just because someone is mentally ill is disgusting.

[cloud--dust]

sketch