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clubtronicana-blog · 10 years

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The List

Patrick Acid

Simon Gout

Ooh I've just had a palpitation

He looks like the Toby Carvery

Why are you ODing on my lino?

Elizabeth Gowns

Patrick Mammoth-Salmon

Lebanese length

Leprosy scotch egg

Rattlesnake fritters

Vietnamese ladies hounds AKA Lloyds TSB

I came from a bad batch of sperm

Toby Artery

Boris the Sprinkler

Are you looking for any bottled lasagne?

His eyebrows are brilliant

I married my sister after cutting my mum's head off & wearing it as a sock.

What's that and why was it in my nose?

Patrick Acid's toilet smells like an underage disco

Rectal casserole

Anally attentive soup

Joanna Cranberry

Designer pork chop

Why Are you googling head & shoulders?

Waaaa I've got epilepsy!

I've just seen a glowing spinster

Why would we smell of cheese?

Luton is in my cupboard

The Kennedys are chiselled

I need long slippers

Don't stand on my paraplegic nephew

Jess Meakin fell dead

My face has been confiscated

This cigarette tastes like vaporised Braille

Powdered landrover

You fuck men, I fuck men. Whatever. I'm fucking trashed.

Bernard Gurn

I mean, I'm fucked but you can't even use a fork

My fingers are brilliant

Jesus Doors

Finger foam

Marry my manilow

Help I'm an ostrich

Why is there a french woman in my flat pack wardrobe?

Glen Tennis

Is this kettle loud?

I can hear someone howling

Angus Log

I've seen a man with TWO LEGS

Does anyone else's teeth feel heavy?

Smack tooth Johnson

Simon Says.... 'Fuck'.

Readybreath

Wooden muesli

why is there a goat yelling like a man?

I don't want to get erect in the kitchen

Latex quim

It's like looking through the eyes of a fly

Patrick Whiskers

Stereotypical salmon

I feel like something spiritual has gone in my mouth

You look like a dogs lipstick

Gavin A Cocktail

I've got cancer in my fridge

Brian Eyelid

My Nan's got an asbo for flicking baked beans into peoples hoods

Atomic bollock

Allan's plastic surgery casserole

Arthur Bastard

Aaron stole the Grange Road Glove

Dave Himalayas

I love random answerphones

Jeremy Salad

I shouldn't be allowed ovaries

Dr. Breasts

I'm gonna email you Arthur Daley

Fuck off nausea

I just burped on your shoulder blade

I once gave a lesbian boiled chestnuts

I'm scared of your plasticine face

Bob Fabreze

Farmer Ceutical

Endlessly smashed pumpkin

I have Indian breath

Why is everyone hideous?

Eric Wasted

I wanked off a Lebanese disco dancer

Putrid oven music

I'm so fucked I asked my index finger where Butlins was

You made me burp like a chequered shirt

I've just given birth to Saturn

I have a plastic head

I've donated my face to Oxfam

Donna Shoe

I'm gonna re-mortgage my nose

Patrick Waxwork

Salamander's wife

Cirque de faeces

I accidentally stood in a stroke

Winston Faeces

I don't fuck men with lubed inners

Trust pound land condoms!

Clive Juice

Norman Biscuit

I've got Hindu disease

Amanda Towtruck

I'm churning butter behind my eyes

My nose looks like the battle of Hastings

I'm fantasizing about You Tube

This has confused me so much, my brain has revoked itself from Mensa

I lost my virginity to Alvin and the Chipmunks

I want to wear a local feminine outfit

1+1= Winston Churchill

Shall we play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Sainsburys Basics sex toys

Why is there paracetamol in this radiator?

My jaw feels like Tiger Woods

Is pubic hair a carbohydrate?

You can bake yourself a pair of trousers

I've got a brilliant scalp

You can't eat athlete's foot if you're on the Atkins

Who is eating their ham sandwich with a whisk?!

Catholics are terrifying

I'm gonna train a breadbin to be an Olympic champion

Dick Grandad

My cats name is Illness

My life is auditioning for Abba

Barbara Wobble

I want to laminate my Nan

I want to view halal meat in 3D

Neil Eyeliner

It's like a motorbike made of sinuses

Helena Vomit

Fred Legs

Lawrence Daquiri

Look at my face, it's ridiculous

I'm a shade of ambulance

Going out for a quiet one and coming home with your mum in wheelchair

Isaac Leatherby

I've got leather mutual friends

Sorry I'm coming onto you from within theft wear

Professor Leprosy

Wiggly skirts

Where the fuck are my lips?

I can smell ovaries

Solomon Bollock

Grandad Auto

I hallucinated a human being

Someone's breasts are following me on Twitter

I just saw singing pool balls in a barrel.

Nick the Bladder Auntie

I wondered if that label was stiff

I think my face and head have gone in the air

Anal crazed sphincter people from planet spaniel

My Jägerbomb tastes like vulva

I feel like a library

Everything in the kitchen is plastic

I want to take over cheese

Embarrassed bladder

Diane Balance

My bag has an amazing flavour

Yvonne Napkin

Oh, scollop, millionaire

93% vegetable socks

I used a giant knife when I was once intoxicated

Laurence Vomit

A Dolphin once ruined all my holiday pictures

What if I lost an arm and grew back a llama?

I've got an ankle called Phil

My genitals are escaping the first hole

I'm in a queue jump, wait am I? No.

Howard Buttmunch

Roger Ninja

I just found Diabetes under my chair

Crunchy peanut butter enema

I just laid in a bag

Sorry, I'm extracting kit-kat

I look like I'm about to go to hospital. Brilliant!

What day of the week is it? - Brown

How do I have sex with Alfie email?

Where's the nearest desert? - the sink

Where did you get your taste in music? - Oxfam

Roger Yogurt

Steven Industrial

These spring rolls taste like incest

I could live inside a chip

I've been skull-fucked by a rhino

My favourite colour is ham!

If I wet myself, I blame Jesus

Ronald Foreigner

Oliver Glove

He smells like unwashed bum

Bob Nebular

I've got a frightening eyelid

Charlie Customer

I've got issues with lizards

How far is Barnet?

Do you have a young liver?

I feel like a mouldy bannister

I can smell relaxed antelope

Stuart Buttock

Valerie Foul

There's an awful stench of felch round here!

Sister Alcohol

I just hallucinated Adam

I just coughed up part of my septum

Terry Windows

Graham Oblong

Bernard Ligament

Donald Muscle

Boris Unicorn

I've exchanged my motor skills for a trifle

He looks like retired masking tape

My eyes have an asbo

I'm the mayor of Lidl

Oops I'm paralysed

Sophie is a blurred fuck

Dennis Orange

Charlie Prolapse

I'm re-tarmacing my face

Why is there a seal dressed as a rock on this campsite?

Scenic beard

I discovered Kentucky in my living room

You're only allowed in if you have a random genital

Michael Herpes

I went to Estonia with a Twix

Can you get tinned salad?

William Billion

Why is there a foetus on your cigarettes?

Refreshing faeces

Cause of death: combine harvester

I gave head whilst I was at Gatwick

I just saw legs

My feet have disappeared

I don't feel like it's a quarter to five, i feel like it's a quarter to Waterloo

Lydia Chlamydia

Captain punishment

I've ripped my lizard

I’m more buggered than a pellet ridden crevice in WW1

I want full custody of bacon

That spliff tasted like Andrew Lloyd Webber

Tim is not a fish

You win a baboon if you eat raisins for 26 years

How do you absorb a tablet in an alpaca?

I just looked in my bag and saw a hemorrhage

Are you cold? No, I'm playing the piano

Richard Ashcroft lives above you

If I've got half of Vietnam, you've got half of Bangladesh, where are the other halves? France

Steve Abseil

Mick Hucknall smells of dog food

On Thursday, my nose was upset

I'm gonna set up home in my body odour

I can't enjoy a pint because a cod shone out of my umbrella

I've mummified my chewing gum

My pig is ethnic

If its rubber, it won't scoot

Wilma Bedpan

I'm a successful motorbike

I've got a rectum for a nose

I can't sit on the floor, it's too big

Bosnia is in my toilet

Horse nosh

Why is there teeth on your ceiling?

My hair is called Karen

I've got Reykjavik hanging out my nose

That looks like a snake's face

Jeremy Friction

There's not enough Bulgarian throat singers nowadays

Nigel Lively

Doris Growth

Timmy Breast

Scandalous broccoli

Billy crumpet

Barry Anus

Joseph Rohypnol

Brian Silence

When I was president, I liked pedigree chum

Take your nose off my keyboard

Douche canoe

Nintendo rent boy

My ex is called Dave from Wooton Bassett

Who's wooden?

I've got a biro named Ahmed

I've just seen a man climbing out of a walnut

Myra Hindley is a cock

Have you ever realised that Phillip Schofield looks like shoes?

My mum loves background music

I have cancer of the spectacles

He looks like a generator with a toupee

Why are you not ejaculating? It's a hosepipe ban

I'm getting paranoid because my comment about toast has disappeared

Can you blend a skeleton?

Brenda Reflection

It's been a week and I still can't get French toast out of my head

I'm worried about your gums

Ben Mayhem

Dorothy Brothel

Norman Conquest

I just blew bacon out my nose

Next time you go to the toilet, sniff it

Johnny Bollock

Elizabeth Nipple

Martha Incest

Vincent Paedo

George Pimp

Ann Slag

Animals have lasted forever

Brian Decent

Wesley Pipes

Paul just apologised to a snail

I have a fear of January

Nobody in recorded history has ever had a wank with savlon

I left a chunk of my septum in poundland

I wouldn't wanna lick someone's operation

What would you do if your grandma's surname was Rape?

William Control

Laurence Rotting

Gary Macro

I just hallucinated the bible

Why did you just call him bladder?

Leather truncheon

How am I related to crack and badgers?

I'm going to grow a seizure

Boris Yogurt

Sandy Dandruff

Michael Physics

If they don’t have toilets, I'll slash their backs

Sophie Winded

My fist needs sectioning

Sorry I can't come I'm too busy being Taiwanese

Ridiculous nipple

My mum has transferred my bongos

Dominic Liquid

Doctors told me I was 6'5

Those lips made me ill

He's working for a Leather Knees company

How do you classify a bee?

Omar Bongo

Winston won my tongue

There's no Grandad in Shotley

You smell like eBay

I appear to be missing a Nana

Toilets are long

Iron nun

Malcolm Bodypop

Whoops I'm getting fisted

Jeffrey Peddle

William Scum

Liz Kettle

Warren Buffet

I'm gonna quarantine a salami

Apparently, they don't allow sausages into Australia

I got run over by an eyelid

Right where have we got to go? Trilby Avenue

Brian Medicine

Beverly Leopard

I usually just ignore spinach

Mammoths were good

Inflamed segment

What do you think of eye transactions?

Keith Sandwiches

Brian Diva

Barry Fondue

Adam feels like a podcast

You have to decide if you want to die... ....Or go rollerskating

He looks like anorexia

I'm always concerned about cheese

There's a pedophile in our kitchen cupboard

What's your opinion on Annie Lennox?

He's got weird shaped dentures

Brian Grinder

I can smell UV damage

Acid parcel

Daniella Manhole

Royal nostrils

God's erect for oil

Adam feels like a tin of pears

I've got repetitive socks on

Brian Cyst

Keith Cease

Do you know what I hate? Listening to hands

Gloria Estefan sounds like a medication

What happened to jesus's eye?

I love an area

Alan is a silly road

She looks like a lychee

800 workmen are having problems with their umbrellas

Electric minnow

Every woman in there was pancreatic

Reverend Crevice

Palsy or no palsy, he'd get it

I feel like a suicidal nurse, hanging from a bit of bacon.

You're the British telecom of sexuality

I'm too trashed for maths

Why would you put a picture of a dead Lemur on Facebook?

Croatia is vicious

Annie Rape

Volcanic Twat

Have you smelt whiskey in your shoes at work?

Spidal foetus

Phillip Leper

Linda Mince

Steve is coming out of your ear!

I'm observing an aubergine

I've got paralysis on my phone

Richard Tights

I look like Meatloaf’s mum

Do you have a disease? - no I was rotating

Robert Wobble

Dirty herbivores

Raymond Testicle

I got a new bikini - and a cyst

He might be mad but he wouldn't chop up a dog

Nolan Mammoth

Swing your axe wound

Willy Clinic

My nostril is on Disability Living Allowance

Without make up, my face looks like a hanging Scrooge

The definition of depression is a lion in a Scottish zoo

I thought he was American, but he was just gay

Someone's dog called Carly got kicked off a cliff

I accidentally played Scrabble

I'm gonna text some paracetamol

Beefy secrets

A man with one leg just licked my head

Noel Fielding is living in my bagpipes

Threatened monument

Jimmy Leggings

Stephen Leotard

My spine looks like a zip

Shag me in the pink venue

I've got the breath of a thousand parsnips

You've got a luscious gusset

George Enormous

I Just hallucinated a ukulele

Someone's broken my owl

How do you update a bus station?

I almost cried when I saw a shoe

Darren Botulism

Luke Puke

Dennis Vest

Eggy whips

Ovulating steak

Bruce Droplet

Gordon Villas

Guy Nacology

33 metres of corpses

Peppers can fuck off

Doris Polyp

Boris Scholarship

Lionel Magistrate

Susan Reap

Gavin Hang

Reginald Hopeless

Foolish womb

Jack Ripe

Tarquin Sex

Judy Stench

Special fried antelope

Glowing bastard

Nigel Licence

Where's Wally is riding a lawnmower

Bumhole laceration is on the agenda

Oh God, I think I'm running out of Gods

Flick your jizz in a gentleman's pocket!

I'm worried I'm gonna get a 3rd set of teeth

She looks like a smiley tea towel

I ingested Billy Elliott

Take it up the veggie festival

It's so weird when you think you used to be a monk

Vintage rabies

Ivy Rinse-Wind

What's the time? - yeast

Frosty jockstrap

Carly Bastard

Mongolian treadmill

Dorset Horse

Doris Horns

Scottish Botulism

Maxine Teeth

Liam Enema

It's like like losing a horse and finding a leper

Simon Cycling

Harriet Crap

Fat Ponytailed Keith

Sindy Papoose

Anal McBead

William Pants

I just saw a Skeleton riding a swan

Percival Armpit

The doctor can't give out tuna anymore

Jimmy Helium

Andy Crouton

Gurn control, isle 5 next to the gout and left eye

I’d give me Nikes a nibble

While you were asleep, I came 3rd place in a triathlon

I accidentally incinerated an orgy

My doctor got stuck in the sofa

There is a wine gum somewhere

I just choked on my 6 year old self

Carol Jam

Janice Ham

I never knew about that cavity until recently

One of my eyes went shopping

I left my serpent in Paris

Same hill, different bishop

I accidentally snorted an orphan

She's a spaz called Kevin

I don't want a Pterodactyl to name that tune

Maxine Tits

Woollen salad

I want to live inside a toilet brush named Oscar

Yorkshire lesbian waving

I got beaten up by a tramp with some AstroTurf

I lost my anal virginity to a fork

Tricia Skittle

Scat with Jackie Chan never ends well

I just sicked up an invisible vending machine

Reginald Length

A parsnip got run over

Is that squeezy ham?

I'd like a Terry Wogan picnic hamper

Hard boiled leper

Complex porcupine

Cheese knife by proxy

My BO smells like a burger van in the morning

Fill your boots with lettuce

I've got a problem with sausages

Facial shame

Leather pineapples

Can you sell faecal matter on eBay?

Is someone raining?

I don't like the dogs next door

Belgium was cancelled in 1978

Imposter Josh

Barbara Parsnip

Herby Gordon

Stick it in my Meat Cornetto

Vanessa Treachery

I went in for a beer and came out with a beard

I weigh 3D

Leather Phlegm

Forceful Gordon

Herman Clot

I thought I'd undone my trousers, but I was asleep

Iris Letch

Don't put it in the bath, that's Dairy Milk!

Bobbing For Geldof

Who's family is spinach?

She's carrying illegal spawn

My toes are trying to obtain you

I'm gonna sell anorexia on eBay

Howard Power

Dressed in meat juice, I feel beautiful

Carol Abdomen

Nicola Slipper

Are you engraved in guitar hero?

I know a riddled stripper called Olivia Liver

Lenny Edible

Malcolm Irrigation

Clive Loaf

Timothy Bloomer

Gary Bap

I'm gonna lay on Franklins

It's ok, I'm just wiping someone who's died

His name is Fuck?!

Michaelitis- a disease in which the sufferer demands to be called Tony

I need to steal a chocolate sword

I was prostituted by a pair of slippers

Smells like the pope's kidney

Steph Pregnance

Ruth Unisex

Foreskin vindaloo

Half your face is missing, did you realise?

Stop peeling my chair!

Peter Foetus

This onion has been brilliant

I want to go into Tesco and shout at the salad!

I'm going to scooter to Hull

Norbert Chalk

Judy Trench

Simon Python

I once slipped on a nun

Ryan Language

Adam Battery

Garth Lard

You swiped my almond

Graham Leopard

I'm a Jamaican Woolworth's

There is melted animals on my scissors

I've got 3 lists, and I hadn't noticed!

Horny torso

I'd rather have Carol Vorderman than a poo transplant

Charlie Leisure

If you wanted to buy a lion, you couldn’t

I just killed Whitney's larynx

The police are in Marn's pocket

Terry Backache

It's like a travelling dildo

Have you got a nebulatic kitten?

I just burped up an artery

Ronald Warp

Rodney Mannequin

Kelly Therapy

Lucinda Gazelle

Barry Loiter

Norman Wrought

Sally Palindrome

Barbara Answer

Optional nostrils

You look like you're holding up a facelift

Stephanie Breast