cluelesspansexualgenderfluid

[cluelesspansexualgenderfluid]

Misadventures of a Clueless Pansexual Genderfluid: Installment No. 2

You’d think I’d be happier considering my position in life.

I’m 27, live in an apartment with my name on the lease in a quiet hippy college town smack dab in the middle of the USA. I have a beautiful, kind girlfriend that lives with me. I work in a gallery and get paid quite decently. I have close friends that would help me bury a body if need be. I make jewelry on the side, I sing in a band, and I perform as a drag king. 

So why am I so unhappy?

Probably has something to do with all those severe unresolved issues of my past.

They’re creeping back up on me, trying to snatch me up at the most opportune moment of my life. This is seriously the best position I’ve been in financially, career-wise, and in my love life and living situation. In spite of all that, my brain is not my friend.

I’ve always felt different than everyone else. Finding a place to fit in, even in the queer community, can still be tough. There are people who don’t find my pansexuality or my genderfluidity valid, even amongst my own people. How am I ever supposed to feel comfortable in front of anyone? I often do not talk about my gender or sexuality unless someone else brings it up first. I tend to keep just about everything to myself.

I’m excellent at keeping up appearances, which also makes it hard for people to believe I’m ever having a hard time. When I was young, I learned early to hide my emotions in fear of being ridiculed by my parents or siblings, or any other adult around me. I captured my sadness and shoved it down as far as I could. Thus, this has been carried with me throughout adulthood. I fake a smile here and there, tell everyone I’m doing just fine, let out a little laugh just to make you feel like I’m telling you the truth. However, I’m not. I am almost never fine. I lie about it on a daily basis, because the thought of worrying another individual on my behalf is absolutely mortifying. 

So I smile, I laugh, I fake interest in whatever it is you’re trying to tell me. I’m trying to listen, I promise, however there’s about a million different thoughts buzzing around my frontal cortex so it’s easy for me to become distracted and lose focus. 

I’ve only ever been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Depression, though I suspect there’s far more than that going on.

If I could at least put a name to what was going on with me, I think it’d get me on a faster road to helping myself overcome my neurodiversity and finally use it to it’s full advantage. i think the queer community was born with superpowers, they’re just unfortunately a bitch and a half to try and control.

Maybe at least letting all of this out on some kind of platform can help me figure something out.

[cluelesspansexualgenderfluid]

Misadventures of a Clueless Pansexual Genderfluid: Installment No. 1

I haven’t written in years.

It’s pretty hard for me to stare at an empty screen, waiting for me to fill it with words I somehow must get out.

I’ve got this bottle, you see. I like to fill it to the point of bursting; to the point I’ve made a mess of whoever happens to be unlucky enough to be around when it goes off. Emotional casualties are an inevitability around me eventually.

I spend a lot of my time faking my way through life. My mind runs at 1,000 miles an hour and never quits; it can be a blessing, but mostly a curse.

If there’s anything constantly on my mind, it’s actually more than anything how society--no, the entire world--is falling apart. We’re all wandering around in a perpetual state of sadness drenched in anxiety, pushing ourselves forward with little regard to what kind of impact we’re leaving on ourselves and everything else. Even if and when we want to help, there’s so little we can do. The lungs of our earth were recently burning after an indigenous people finally gained control over their own land. Australia just went up in flames, and now a woman who used her body to raise 10k to help with the fires is now being chastised. I guarantee everyone bitching about her didn’t donate one single penny, yet we are lashing out at the wrong situation. (I think she’s a fucking hero, btw.) Our planet is literally on fire and our oceans are dying. Did you really think Mother Nature wasn’t going to fight back when we started pumping it dry for oil and other resources when we’ve already found better ways to replace said resources? What. The fuck. Is going. On.

No one really cares about you, no one really cares about me. Survival in a broken society whether it be through stomping on top of others to push you up where you want to be, or remaining quiet in the corner until you finally remain unnoticed long enough to slink away from the pack seems like all that matters these days. No one is paying attention.

Everyone is getting caught up in such superficial, trivial problems that it’s distracting all of us from far bigger problems than ourselves.

So what can we do?

I don’t know. All I know is I have the freedom to bitch on the internet without risking (too much) persecution. At least I can remain anonymous.

I’ve found a strong correlation between neurodiverse adults and members of the LGBT community. We really were born differently, and I believe for the better. I truly believe members of the LGBT community + neurodiverse individuals are the next step in human evolution. I also believe it’s because we seem to be the biggest group of people mostly concerned for the state of our earth.

Me being pansexual shouldn’t be a problem for anyone.

Me being genderfluid shouldn’t be a problem for anyone.

It’s my business, and it really shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern unless you want to date me.

I have the capability to love anyone regardless of their genitals; in fact, personalities and intelligence is what I find sexiest. Looks are the furthest thing from mattering to me.

I also have the capability to channel masculine and feminine energy in different ways on different days. I accept all pronouns, because on a daily basis I represent and feel different genders.(also yes, there are more than two genders).

The point I’m trying to make here is, who fucking cares? Why should it matter so heavily to strangers who don’t know me on a personal level?

We are bitching about the wrong things.

Human race, get your shit together.