comingofagediaries

[comingofagediaries]

i need to be strong while you can be weak.

i have to be smart while you can play dumb.

i worry and you couldn't care any less.

you're selfish. "if i don't care for me, who will?". the world doesn't revolve around you.

sometimes i wish i could be more like you. more careless, more reckless, more selfish, less tired, show anger, speak my mind, not give a fuck about anything.

spend every cent and still have money. spend every second and still have time.

i can be sick but you're sicker, even if you got the bug from me. and i need to work hard and you can stay a week on the couch just fucking existing while everyone do what you should do to survive.

i have to be the motherboard, i have to be the engine, i have to be the heart, the brain, the lungs. the only piece that keeps everything together and still working. without me, would you be able to operate? or would it be too hard to handle?

even better, could you be that piece? could you be the glue that sticks everything together, keeping it all from falling apart? could you work so hard and not have anyone grateful for what you've done, simply because it's "your job"? were you grateful today?

i know you're young. but honestly, i've been doing this for a long fucking time.

and when i disconnect the motherboard, when i take out the engine, when i rip off the heart and lungs, when i smash the brain, will it still work? will you think you should've been more grateful?

i know i have to sacrifice, but at this point i think i've sacrificed a bit too much.

[comingofagediaries]

time passes and i still feel the same.

it's been almost 4 years that i feel this way. of course sometimes i feel like i've been getting older, mainly when i see a group of dumb teenagers on the street. the catch is that i still feel like i'm 16 or 17 (kinda).

i see the people i love getting older and i'm afraid to lose them. i saw the birth of both of my brothers and it's been more than a decade. it doesn't feel like yesterday, but to me it still feels like my 10 year old brother is a baby learning how to speak.

the people i thought were wise when i was a child, aren't so wise to me in these days. now i can see that it was maybe just my sweet innocence. it still hurts though.

the people i love age and i can do nothing about it.

the people i love get sick and i can do nothing about it.

the people i love die and i can do nothing about it.

i still haven't loved someone and i still have to be loved. i don't know how long it will take or if it'll ever happen or how long do i have.

i'm almost one year away from finishing uni. i don't know what happens after that when the world's been so crazy lately. it feels like everything i do is in vain.

working 12 or more hours is exhausting, but so does it exhausts my parents and i feel guilty to complain about it. i am exhausted.

i feel sad most of the time and everything's always a whirlwind of emotions. or maybe it's just pms, whatever u say.

your god is not my answer.

internet and games are a relief valve from the actual world, from my problems.

no one reads my CV and no one hires me. my parents say i shouldn't worry since i'm only 20, but i still worry about it.

i saw a classmate from highschool on the bus today. we talked for about half an hour. nothing has changed. she still feels the same, even though she admits she doesn't like it that much. i still feel the same. i feel dumb and a lot less intelligent than i used to feel, ever since i moved here. the bus ride felt like when we used to catch the same bus back home from school. the bus has changed though, it's a lot more fancier. well, the fancier a bus gets, i guess.

isn't it funny? a lot has changed since i last saw her. i have made new friends and i'm not in touch with old friends from school anymore. i think she's dating another guy, but i'm not sure. we both still look the same. actually... kinda, i think i look more tired than usual. the dark circles under my eyes can tell you that. her vibe shifted a little, but maybe she was just tired. we both have lived and worked in different places since we started uni. but we still catch the same bus home, sometimes.

i didn't feel like this last year. everything was way simpler with my scholarship. i miss living with my friends rent free and having money from my old job. i miss last year. i miss the way i was, i miss how carefree i was (even though i know i wasn't, because i'm always so anxious).

i don't feel pretty and i only feel like eating and sleeping. days don't have enough hours, i don't feel like an adult. i'm scared and excited about adulthood. i want independence but i'm also scared of its consequences.

i need money and i hate it. i hate money. i hate the concept of money. but it still feels so relieving to receive my wage.

my friendships don't feel like before. i don't remember the last time i went out just me and my best friend. i've been distant and my memory's shitty.

my friends lives feel easier and better than mine. how do you afford all that without working? how do you always have time to go out or to do something you like? how can people be so ungrateful? how can people be so out of touch with reality? my life is not the worst, but it has definitely been better.

nothing has changed, yet, everything has changed.

sorry for word vomiting, but that's just how i feel. actually i'm not sorry, you're the one who decided to read this.

what i'm actually sorry is if you relate to this, because i'm okay but i'm also in a really dark place.

[comingofagediaries]

My first poem, written for a french class essay. Inspired by a shortfilm of Jacques Prévert's "Déjeuner du matin".

In this essay, we were supposed to write a poem with the beginning of Prévert's one and then continue with our own writing.

Pardon my french ;) since I'm still on B1.1

Il met le café

dans la tasse

pendant que je descends

les escaliers

Je l'ai regardé

affamée d'amour

Mais il a fait le café

seulement pour lui

Tu ne m'écoutes pas,

ne me touche pas,

ne t'interesse pas

Mes larmes et la pluie

sont comme des touches de un piano

et sont le seul son

dans cet environnement silencieux

La fumée de ta cigarette

crée la dernière barrière entre nous

deux inconnus

qu'un jour s'ont aimé

[comingofagediaries]

2nd semester uni essay :P

Sipress, D. (2017). Well-informed. The New Yorker, New York.

What’s the price of information? If one of the consequences of being well-informed is my sanity, is it really worth it? A lot of things worry me, disturb me, scare me and drain my sanity like someone who drinks a water bottle voraciously in the middle of the desert heat. Perhaps that’s a little bit of my anxiety talking and sometimes I allow myself to listen to it.

Lately, watching the news has been an uncomfortable experience because the world presents a collection of deliriums and insanities as remarkable as the ones that can be found on my thoughts. The only difference is that I’m an inoffensive person who values mutual respect, something so rare nowadays. Analyzing it now, it’s possible that I’m insane and minimally informed.

[comingofagediaries]

[comingofagediaries]

goodbyes are bittersweet, aren't they? sometimes i feel like i don't need the closure of someone's farewell, because... honestly? i'm better off.

today wasn't one of those days. quite the contrary. i said goodbye to a friend of mine today, and i cried tears of sadness because i don't know if we'll ever see each other again. that hurts, i guess? we weren't that close, but living with someone for six months and then never seeing them again is hard to process. it also doesn't help that she's a very sweet, unique and charismatic person. or that i was her first friend in the city, since we met the day she arrived.

i really do hope she fulfills her dreams and i'll always be rooting for her from afar. i hope life's not too hard on her, mostly because it wasn't easy before and she doesn't deserve it. hopefully we'll see each other again.

bye ❤️‍🩹

[comingofagediaries]

[comingofagediaries]

Albert Camus