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[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

So many good things happening. I have a bit more work, (I’m a freelance Graphic Designer.) my oldest son has gone to kindergarten and is loving it, my mom apologized for being a shit mom….. wait, back that train up. Let’s process this shit. Really, my mom only talks to people or is nice to people when she wants something. I contacted her to tell her that her sister’s husband died. She got all bitchy and said no one had helped her when her husband died. (Which is absolutely not true. I reached out to her and so did her sister.) After saying that, she turns around and contacts her sister saying how she’s sorry her husband died etc…. A really nice and not like her email. Even my aunt was like what does she want.

Well, my mom just jumps into how her boyfriend kicked her out in May and was living at the YMCA and then he took her back. He threatened suicide and the cops showed up. He is kicking her out and she needs to find a new place to live…… Aha! There it is.

So, I noticed my mom unblocked me on FB and I said “thanks for unblocking me.” Took her 1 week to answer and she said she didn’t block me, it must be the phone and I just couldn’t get through….. cool, a blatant lie. Then she keeps bringing up how she’s sick and needs to take care of it but she’s not going to tell me yet. I’m like…. Ok whatever drama queen. I didn’t bite. THEN she asked I how I was doing and the kids. I know she doesn’t cares.

She said she was hurt by a post on my FB that mentioned how much I love the 2 mother figures I have in my life. So, I decided to tell her how she shouldn’t be surprised since we haven’t seen each other in 15 years or so and hardly ever spoke to each other because she definitely has Narcissistic personality. She also refused to be there for two of my graduations, wedding, babies etc… Not like I would have wanted her there. Well, she actually took it well and said she was sorry for being a bad mom……… and not being there for me. Wtf…… she’s either dying or trying to get something out of me. Who the fuck knows, but I’m here for this roller coaster. She will not get to see my kids though. They don’t deserve the drama of narcissistic rage that she gets or the lies, manipulation, insanity etc….

[complexptsdgirl]

I’m having the hardest time with my son starting school this fall…. Next week. I live in a state that is highly vaccinated, but the new numbers of Covid cases are going up. If you look at the hardest hit areas, the children’s hospitals are filling up. I don’t feel good sending him, but just feel like I’m moving forward automatically. I would never forgive myself if he got seriously sick. Ugh this pandemic sucks so bad. I kept him home from preschool last school year. Kind of wish I could do it again. I don’t think I’m organized enough to give him a great education at home.

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

normalize being deeply average and being mediocre at everything <3

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

This has been such a hard year and I just foresee it being worse. It’s unfortunate I did my part and got my vaccination, but there are to many people not getting it. So, because of that, we will probably have to go back to how it was last winter. So fucking depressing. My poor kids too. This is a HUGE issue for me and causes so much anxiety. My oldest is school age now and he will be going into Kindergarten. I’m petrified. I feel I should keep him home. My job is to protect him. I’m going to send him to school anyways because I just want to make sure he gets the education he needs.

All of this is unnecessary bullshit. My kids are literally too young to get the vaccine. Now, it just feels like it’s kind of useless. So, vaccinated people can still get Covid and spread. I just feel like my head is going to explode. If it was just myself, I wouldn’t be so worried, but every decision I make effects my kids and now my kids’ health.

[complexptsdgirl]

I’m actually kind of proud of myself. I’ve been feeling a lot happier lately and a bit more stable and I decided to take my kids to my home town to go to the park & have a picnic. Last time I went, I was completely triggered and really always avoid going. After all, all of my traumas happened there. I was calm, had a blast, talked with people and currently, I’m not triggered!

I’m just so proud of myself. I refuse to give power to the people who abused me. I’ll go wherever the fuck I want and not feel like shit afterwards. Just overall, a great day. Let’s hope this is a continuing trend.

[complexptsdgirl]

Ahhhhh damnit!!! Woke up in a great mood…. Decided to take a nap and woke up depressed again….. FUCk!

[complexptsdgirl]

I was doing really well with my depression at the beginning of the week, but then my uncle died and it triggered my my major depressive disorder. (Which is basically a reaction or side effect of my PTSD when I’m triggered.) He had been really really sick, but in my opinion he was young. He was in his 60s, had COPD, a couple of heart attacks, his heart and lungs weren’t working properly and on top of that, he just stopped doing things he needed to do to get better because he was just done with life. My aunt had tried to make him go to his dr weeks ago, but he refused. Then, he couldn’t catch his breath well and my aunt called an ambulance. He was down to 100lbs & his heart was only working at 10%. They ended up sedating him and putting a breathing tube in. He passed within 24 hours or so. It’s all very sad. He was married to my aunt for 33 years.

I didn’t have the greatest relationship with him. It wasn’t bad, bad, but he was a huge asshole….. yeah, I know, I said it. He was rude and mean to people, was aggressive to his wife and kid when he was younger, called me fat a lot. (Even though I told them I had an eating disorder I didn’t want to trigger.) I also have a memory when I was a child that he held me under the water for what felt like forever and I panicked and now I have a horrible fear of water and I can’t swim…. Hooray!

Now, he may not have been the best person, but he played a roll in my family and was married to my amazing aunt. She is my mom’s sister. (Who also doesn’t speak to my mom.) She has been there for me when my mom wasn’t….. which was always. Unfortunately my mom stopped talking to my aunt when my grandma died (their mom.) so I didn’t get to see her again until I was a teenager and my mom was a lot more out of the picture.

So, yeah it’s been a tough week.

[complexptsdgirl]

[complexptsdgirl]

much better.

[complexptsdgirl]

I don’t write a lot. It’s kind of how I am. Just not into the whole keeping up with my posts kind of person. I keep it natural and write when I need to vent.

So, I have been doing so good! I’ve been working really hard on myself and my meds also kicked in, so I’ve been happy. Unfortunately I may have a backwards step. My uncle died today. Heavy shit. So, my brain is all over the place. My aunt called me this morning to tell me that he passed. He had been sick for a while from multiple things. He had cancers and heart attacks. He was only in his early 60s I believe.

I feel guilty for crying or grieving because I didn’t really like him or at least found him incredibly toxic. He was kind of a jerk. He was pretty aggressive with his son growing up, had been to jail for abusing my aunt like 30+ years ago, harassed me about my weight when I was pregnant etc…. However, I love my aunt so much. She’s my mother’s blood sister. She’s been more like a mom to me than my mom. (Always rooting for me, giving me great advice and honest opinions, being there for me for all of my big events in life, etc… when my grandma; my mom’s mom died (who I was close to) died, my mom stopped letting me see my aunt i & uncle. Some stupid disagreement or whatever and like always, my mom cut all ties with her. Which honestly made me sad, because she was an escape for me as a child growing up in a sexually and physically abusive home. When my mom was out of my life at about 15 or so years old, maybe older, I sought out my aunt and cousins. I wanted family I felt safe around again.

Sooooooo, that’s the short of all of the back story. It all makes me sad. My aunt is lost, because they were married for 33 years. So, I worry about her. Invasive memories are also popping in my head, so I think death probably triggers PTSD, so hooray! Lol

Selfishly, I’m scared of my mom showing up to the funeral services. I would have such a physics and shaky response if I saw her. Anytime I’ve even saw a Facebook message from her, I shake like a leaf. I need to be there for my aunt and cousin, so I will bring my husband with me as moral support while my in-laws watch my children.

So, stay tuned to watch how I unravel again…. JK I’ll totally be fine. I’m a tough bitch.

[complexptsdgirl]

Ok, so the past 2 days have been drastically different….. In a good way. I can actually feel happy feelings again! Woohoo! I think the meds are finally doing their job!!! It was absolutely horrible to be so depressed and to not really want to be anywhere but my bed…. Which I couldn’t because I’m a mom and my kids come first. Which does make everything worse sometimes. Just because I’m cramming my feelings down to give them a good environment. Yay for feeling better!