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[conaneatsoup]

Sixteenth letters.

Trid. How should I live? How can I be a very quite person? How should I express my torn heart? Should I kill myself so I don't become a burden to the people around me?

In the end, my mother could not stand living with me and no longer expected my presence. My brother never really loved and respected me.

When I am thinking and do something for them, it just nothing in the end.

I am missing my father.

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I feel neglected. I tried to not cry but my heart really hurts. Not just once or twice but often.

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Fifteenth letters.

Trid. In my memory for 21 years, She's been there since I was born. 25 years she is near me and always remembers me. I don't have any pleasant memories with my biological grandparents. I got what I couldn't get, from her and husband.

After Grandpa died from falling off the bike (I only found out 2 days ago how Grandpa died when I was 5 years old), I still meet Grandma. The last 3 years, I only met her once a year, every December, and our meetings were always at church. I must have screamed for her from afar, ran and hugged her.

There are funny stories that other people know about us. When I was a kid, about 3 or 4 years old, I always looked around his house. If I saw Grandpa sitting on the porch carrying a cup of coffee and playing the trumpet, I would definitely run to his house, drink Grandpa's coffee secretly and then I would run back to my house.

I think I need to share this simple story that I appreciate everytime. I already miss them and still hurts. I will not judge life because this life is not mine.

One of the stories that makes my chest tight is, the last week my grandmother met my mother. She asked about my coming and she said she missed me. And 2 days ago I found her lying stiff in bed. It really hurts.

I call them with Opung petpet (because he good in trumpet) and Opung Meh (because her from Gonting Mahe).

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Fourteenth Letters.

Trid. Mom praised my cooking: perkedel

I give my big smile and thumbs up. Thank you Mom.

Oh ya today is quite tiring. We are both woman handle the flow of water and it requires a physically ready, remember Mama is old. I proud Dad can do the tiring activity alone. As a daughter, I am very sorry that i rarely help him do heavy things. No.... Every time i offered to help, he often refused and if i insisted he would get angry telling me to leave. That's my Dad. I did His job and thank to God, i have a good eyes to recorded what i saw from Dad and was able to do it.

again and again i hope you enjoy in heaven Dad, don't worry, Mom and me you're daughter, we will do better fr time to time without you in physically but with you in our heart and mind

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Thirteenth Letters.

Trid. Most of us choose to remember things that are fun, happy, funny, touching, etc (positive state). But I, I will only remember the pain on March 8th and 9th. I lost an important part of my identity. It hurts. Cry...I need courage to do that. Maybe I'll be at a stage where i don't know what i'm dealing with and hope this is just the longest nightmare of my life. In Maret to April i felt empty, confused, sad, had no expectations of life. I wrap it up my feelings free. I'm white.

As a person who is basically a thinker, had reduced the intensity of thinking due to work that became a distraction. The last month, May, I became a thinker again because this time no distraction. I feel have wasted my precious time with some habits like watching, eating, sleeping, take care of mom, housekeeping, and driving. I'm afraid of becoming a useless person in the future.

I don't know what position to put myself in this situation. For the short time, i have no problem with being here and wasting time. But long term, this is not good. I can't be a beggar for my siblings and age for nothing.

How can i find opportunity here ?

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Twelfth letters.

Trid. Ooh still tired to feel the emotions. On February, i received the bad-good news:

1. About my close friend's father was died

2. My cousin was died

3. Officemate submits resignation

And you know what makes me sad? For point 2 & 3, I'm not considered as family and friends. I found out the news from someone else, not directly from you. Even though the position is already on the neutral line. I'd better shut myself off and enjoy the universe without the label of life. Anw, thank you for giving me a little bit of happiness. You guys teach me how to not judge a person, how to make a good atmosphere with laugh, and speak when asked - silent when not asked

For point 1 & 2: I hope you choose to ascend to heaven, not stay on earth so that you can reincarnate soon.

For point 3: I hope you are happy and enjoy with a new chapter in ur career.

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Eleventh letters.

Trid. I just realized that I was a loser. I don't have the courage to express my feelings*. What am i waiting for?

*sad, afraid, guilty, feel embraced

I'm tired. My chest feels tight and where is my hb ?

And in the same time, I miss my pet family : Tam's fam, ruko-gunung's fam, Jack the cupang, and Theo the baby bird

😭 Are they okay, God?

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Tenth letters.

Trid. Aloha....We have 6 points to talk, right. Okay...wish me to have a good english so you understand what i need to tell.

1. Vaccine in my office. First, we need to find medical personnel or instance. This quest raises some debate with internal division. First vaccine, we used public health centre and they don't have a good attitude and this problem made me and my team headechs, they're so ficle with the decisons. And i....i can not sleep. On that day, someone fainted.

2. Nightmare in two days. Actually i forgot about my dream, emm maybe its about a horror like my mother was died.

3. Mom slip in two days. Her body was sick and i worried. I call her but she didn't pick the phone and if she like that it means something wrong

4. Strange movement. You know the durex have a blue one, square and small ?. One of my friend take something in his pants pocket and when his take off the hand, something blue off from his pants pocket and the reacts that i saw was suprised in his face. But actually it is not a durex, it is a cigarette. I know the wrong one from another friend whose saw that moment like me lol. Emm i remember his face like BOLD in my head, dark moment bcs we are in the office.

5. Achievement. Finally i ride my bicycle to wide field, there so many people. They're exercise too like jogging, biking, loving, eating, siting, etc. I ride to 7 km with my boy friend.

6. Tommy was resigned and not just him but 2 another friends too. They're in the same team. Tommy first, Debby second, and Nelly the third was resigned. I feel sad, want cried but can't, dunno why, it painful.

What i learned : I should to know what i feel, i need to coped the emotion so i survived and i understand mine. I can appreciate what the situation i faced, assumed and what the real not always assumed bcs it's wrong way if i always assume about something.

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Ninth letters.

Hello, good morning my reader.

Trid. I have one condition that I have no time to write my letter. A lot of story that I want to tell you but I have no mood to share because difficult to translate in English. But in this time, I lay in my bed 7:13 am before I go to the office and I have mood to tell my day before.

I was have random feeling with my surroundings. Emm I just wanna tell the tittle for my experience and after work i will continue with a complete story, okay.

1. Vaccine in my office

2. Nightmare in two days

3. Mom slip in the bathroom

4. Strange movement: durex

5. Achievement: exercise by bicycle

6. Resign: Tommy

Six points that I will to complete as soon as possible. I really enjoy to share it but pardon me bcs the English I should try my best to translate my heart.

Bye.. Bye I should go.

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Eight letters.

I found my self in 2016 picts. Awesome. I felt some emotions. I felt hurt, happy, sad, powerful, lost, and grief. Who can be my partner to watch my past and laughing together after my stupidity was done.

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Seventh letters

Trid. After sixth letters, i am sad, till now. I don't know why, the atmosphere was sadly. I can't move, my body was freeze. 9 coworkers was covid and my uncle was died, my grandpa's neighbor was died too bcs she have cancer. I thought about my existence in the world, in this life. The less and less human that I know. What is the purpose of my life? Where am I in five years? To what point am I in five years?

Should I go to another city? I feel empty here.

But when I feel this, my God protect and love me.

You know, actually I need some situations like more adventures in life. Any ideas ?

Oh yaa.. Yesterday I was supposed to go to the dentist, but I canceled it because I didn't feel ready.

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Sixth Letters.

Trid. I am surprising with the bad news about our team. We are 19 peoples in one room. 8 people's collapsed, 2 people's just recovered. 9 people in good health. But we shocked about this atmosphere. The antigen test results stated 6 positive and 1 of them had PCR test and the result is positive. She is in the same boarding house with me. I'm worried about her. Now she's in the hospital. 1 person could not be reached. Maybe she was resting completely.

God keep holding our hands so that we will continue to walk with you till the end.

With God you are safe. Be healthy, keep up the spirit and be happy with your situation, in all situation. Okay?

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Fifth Letters.

Trid. In the morning, 7.30 am I learned about Love. Radit gave me 1 theory and i have a new point of view about love. They have been survey, most women are afraid to start. Ya.. The basic theory from Bible, Love frame. Before you ask "When" You have a partner of life, you need to make your love frame first. The points are :

1. Definition. You need to define your situation like define the dating, define marriage, or whatever. This definition will determine your attention to your relationship.

2. Position. You need to specify about your position, whether you are someone who needs help because you have been hurt by an ex or a lonely man or someone who fears God or something else. The position will determine your action to your partner.

3. Heart. Do not lie to your heart, listen and feel it. This one is tricky. Sometimes we lie to our heart about relationship. There are those who feel they actually don't get along with partner but they believe that is a gift from God, is not like that. It's tricky right. Don't fool yourself. If it doesn't match, it means not in one frame. I remembered someone said to me find your partner with same vision and mission in life. The heart will determine your decision.

4. Destination. You know where the relationship will lead. Whether towards marriage or what.

There 4s basic to re-think before you always ask "When do i have a boyfriend/girlfriend".

There is still a further explanation but I don't know how to write it down. If you know about this, let's talk.

At 10.30 am, I met friends. Sharing with them but this time I became a listener. One of topic is (what do you say, 'perjodohan'?) Matchmaking (?). Ahhh this topic just makes me laugh. Because for me, this is not a serious situation. It jokes for me (for now). But for them, this is serious. I don't have experience about this, so i quiet. They fears with relationship, too sensitive with man, crisis of confidence with herself and the man, the influence from family background. This is talk about the area of psychology right?

I feel dizzy. Sorry. Sometimes I feel what they feel, not about the matchmaking event lol but the influence from family background. It's dark.

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Fourth Letters.

Trid. ‘why her make herself felt sick in her birthday moment ?’, the question from my close friend to another close friend lol. By the way, i feel grateful today because my grandfather aka manager in work gave me a cake birthday and pastel, i love so much the pastel uuhh. That’s 5 person whos birthday in May. Happy birthday guys. 

Oh ya...why my surgery tooth feel sick like sprue. It because i  didn’t eat vegetables and fruits ? How can i eat that, when i open my mouth it feels aahh i can’t.

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Third letters.

Trid. Yesterday, I scared about the surgery. I did it 👏I proud my self, I face my fear. This is first step for the surgery, the second will be after eid mubarak yuhuu. The next step more terrifying then now because the second teeth was a root canal treatment history and my ortho dentist said it will be difficult to pull out, the roots are already attached to the bone. An oral surgeon aggrees with that assumption.

Wanna see my RIP tooth?

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Second letters.

Trid. In May, 7th 2021 i have an appointment with dentist at 3 pm. It's tomorrow, I fear. 2 teeth will be missing. Hopefully tomorrow the surgery can be done. Maybe not tomorrow haha. My logic say it will be next week, tomorrow is just first control before surgery.

Will I be okay?

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First letter.

Trid. 10 minutes is going to be awesome day. For you. You born. You be a miracle to your family. If not you, they're angry and maybe your mom was dying. Your brother be a fool person. Your daddy be a jerk person. Your grandmother be a bad bad bad person to your family.

God gave you to your mom, daddy, and to your four brothers. Breath it. Don't give up for them. Always be yours. Be a gentle, be brave, be kind, be a stupid person so you should to explore anything.

Develop your heart, brain, language, and your silence skill.