confessionsofaworriedmum-blog - Tumblr blog

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I remember these little flowers growing in my grandparents garden when I was small.  If I close my eyes I am transported back to those days when life was carefree and easy.

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I wish my daughter would read this.  Helpless parents unite.

Today’s International Self-Injury Awareness Day, so I wanted to make something. All alternatives are taken from this post, go there for more!

Remember that I love you, and I’m here for you. Please be safe.

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I believe

Everyday I wake up and believe today will be ok.  Often it's not, I but I like to start the day with optimism.    Having a teenager with BPD is a bumpy ride.

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Life's a rollercoaster Being mum to a teenager with BPD

Is simply very traumatic.  I am certain it's traumatic for my daughter but equally its heart wrenching to watch someone who is funny and vibrant take to their bed for days on end.    I just worry all of the time. 

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Positive thought before bed. 

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Today the sun shone and everything felt a little bit better

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Being a parent is really hard

I thought the baby years would define me as a parent, sleepless night and endless nappy changes.  But that was the fun bit.  The not fun bit of parenthood is being a bystander to your teenagers life falling apart due to mental illness.

Watching your loved one on a self destruct mode,  sitting in A&E during a crisis and being an unpaid taxi driver to endless appointments (all the while being ignored or not spoken to) is rough. 

I wish I could find an answer and make it all better.  I wish I was allowed into her secret world to understand better how much pain she is in. I wish we could move forward and be a family who wasn't constantly walking on eggshells. 

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Utter devastation.

The next chapter of my story as a mum coping and supporting a child with BPD  .  Realizing your fears that your child is self harming are true is utterly devastating for a parent.    We fell apart, I had absolutely no idea what to do.  My parenting instinct was to repeatedly locate and remove all sharp objects from her bedroom.  I became completely  obsessed with my daily snoop to remove anything that could cut her arms.    I needed to keep her safe.  

Now looking back, it was a pointless exercise as the desire for her to cut herself  was not just going to go away.  I thought by making her stop and think about it, I could provide an intervention. In reality I was making myself even more anxious,  I was existing in a heightened state of panic and starting to make myself ill. 

Parents need support.  All I see on social media is perfect photos of perfect families,  mine was falling party.  I needed help

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apps that can help you with your mental illness

daylio (available on google play and app store for free) - “Pick your mood and add activities you have been doing during the day. You can also add notes and keep an old school diary.” 

calm harm (available on google play and app store for free) - “Calm Harm provides tasks to help you resist or manage the urge to self-harm.”

impulse DBT (available on google play and app store for free) - “Impulse DBT is an invaluable tool for those who need to keep track of daily impulses for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.”

7 cups of tea (available on google play and app store for free) - “Whether you are going through a challenging time or just want to talk to someone, at 7 Cups you’ll find a path connecting you to kind people and helping you develop new skills to solve your problems. Over 16 million conversations.”

what’s up - mental health app (available on google play and app store for free) - “What’s Up? is a fantastic free app utilising some of the best CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) methods to help you cope with Depression, Anxiety, Anger, Stress and more.”

pacifica (available on google play and app store for free) - “Pacifica gives you psychologist-designed tools to address them based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, mindfulness meditation, relaxation, and mood/health tracking.” 

booster buddy (available on google play and app store for free) - “BoosterBuddy is a free app designed to help teens and young adults improve their mental health. Manage your personal wellness journey and earn achievements as your sidekick guides you through a series of daily quests designed to establish and sustain positive habits.”

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It wasn't meant to be this way.

So my journey began a couple of years ago.  I've always been an anxious mum, wanting her children to thrive, be confident and be happy.  So perhaps I ignored the warning signs or perhaps they were bring consealed far too well. 

You'd probably even call me smug.  My children were and are amazingly well adjusted and I am enormously proud of them every second of every day.  

But there were cracks forming and I didn't even spot them. One of my children wasn't coping at school. Wasn't coping at life.  Becoming more and more withdrawn and locking herself in her room for hours on end. 

I put it down to “"the troublesome teenage years”, my girl would emerge having taken her GCSEs as a happy, satisfied and positive butterfly ready to take on the challenges of college.  I was very wrong. 

The anxiety which attacked her during the final year of school had left no more than a shell.  A person who put on an ever so brave face to the world but inwardly was combusting. 

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There are no dress rehearsals in life, so breathe through the fear

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THIS IS ME. A mum trying to look good and be her best with defects.  Parenting  a teenager with Mental Health Issues and BPD did not come with a manual.