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[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

Lmao Men

It is all very consuming. The process, the execution, the constant second-guessing and self doubt. Do I like him? Does he like me? Does he think I am worth it? Am I worth it? Is he being honest? Am I being honest? The questions are literally endless but I think through the past “endeavors”, I need to be honest with myself. I don’t want to be random him. I don’t want him to be random but I also don’t want to be consumed. If he wants to be here, he will be eventually. The “I miss you”s make me happy because I feel the same way but the distance weighs on me. 

I have to make a decision. I know with the Most Recent, I felt clingy and insecure and I don’t want to let anyone I care about make me feel that way again. I cannot put so much weight on someone who cannot reciprocate. It is so painful and I never want to get the “You look great when you cry” line never again. Never from another “I miss you”. 

I have decided this. I am going to do me. I am going to work hard with life and accomplishing my goals. If he is there, that would be great. Awesome, actually because I really do miss him everyday. I wake up and wish he was next to me again. But the reality is he isnt. All I have are snaps and messages of adventures. I am happy for him and I want him to be happy for me. But also I have to be happy for me. So I am going to kick ass. I am going to enjoy the place I worked so hard to get to. Enjoy the people I love and the activities that make me happy. 

So let’s talk exclusivity. It gnaws at me. He can do whatever he wants but I cannot bring myself to do it. I do not like the vision of him with someone else. There is nothing saying he can’t do that. He can. I can too. But I also do not think it would be fair to someone else. I feel like I was waiting for him. I guess I am. Waiting for August. What is the cutoff date? Do I go without for 2 more months? It is not a conversation that I want to have with him because I do not think I want the answer. But I think even more than that, I feel like it would be asking for permission. Not that I am trying to hold power (although I feel like I need to in other ways. I feel like I rolled over with the “most recent” in so many ways. I never want to lose myself that way ever again. I never want to be okay with substandard treatment.) But I think deep down, I feel like being a badass and unapologetic means hurting people. You don’t ask if this is ok. I want to be that person but the idea of him coming home and looking at me the way that “Most Recent” looked at me in Taco Mac would be so painful. I can’t do that. I do not want that. I should be over that. But that look and that silent walk to that car is something I have really supressed. And it hurt. That silent movie and distance. I hurt him and I knew it was going to hurt him. But he had hurt me. I had to beg to be around him and I think I had to make him realize (selfishly) that I was worth it. That there was a possibility of others. That was fucked up. I am realizing that relationship was more fucked than I realized. But it is over and we grow and I think that is the point of this. 

So here is what I am realizing. I have not been properly single for more than a week in 10 months. That is not something I am super proud of but it was a growing experience. He is great. I want friendship no matter what. If he is in town, Ill want to see him and if we are in the same place that would be great.

I need space from men. I need to prove to myself that I can feel confident and powerful without a bumble message or a snap reply. Also need to be better with friends so that is what I am going to work on. Not guys.  Doing things for me and not for them. I hate how cliche daddy issues sounds but I need to work through mine and I think doing things for my own validation is important. Not looking to a male figure to tell me I am doing a great job.

I feel like I need to write down concrete steps because I got on snap and was tempted.

1. can still snap but stop checking all that often.

2. Stop thinking about whether or not he would like this

3. What am i proud? What do I want to tell the world?

4. You are not going to France. It sounds amazing. I want to spend a week in France with him but, bitch, you dont have a passport and a family that would kill you. IF he comes back, adventure time. But international adventures are off the table atm. 

5. You are not texting any of the “Recents”. You thought about texting “MR” but, girl, what is that going to do? Like maybe a check in but any of the others would be asking for trouble.

6. You have been pretty good at this (peep that text lmao) but you are not hooking up with PowerPlan. He does not make you feel better about yourself and he is a blatant homophobe. You need to not hate yourself after hooking up with someone. 

7. Stop creeping. Who gives a fuck about what these boys are doing? If they wanted you to know about what they were doing they would tell and if they think that instagram posts count as “updates”, they are not worthy. (omg i sound like my mom; sendhelp). Tha Joker sends you pics and texts when he wants you to know whats up. You do not need to be scrolling 122 weeks into the past. You would be turning into that meme.

8. No more shopping. You have enough. No man is gives a shit if that blush is tarte or too faced. Not that was something you were really invested in but you need to be saving your money for adventures with friends. You want breweries with the Duke. How you gonna do that if you keep hitting up CVS for highlighter??

You are smart and kind. You can kill it but focus on what you want and who you want to be. You worked way too hard to waste this. 

[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

Very Weird

I went from numb to sad to mad. Numb because I thought the world was different. I just assumed everyone thought the way I did or atleast we were generally on the same page. I get that your experience shapes your views. Weren’t we all there for Orlando?  Any shooting ever? Gay Marriage legalization? I thought we were. I thought it was all the general consensus that the hate and sorrow that was sitting the air after the shootings should be prevented at all cost. That no parent should have to fear the world that their child enters because the world is not going to innately hate their child for something beyond their control. I thought that if anyone saw those instances, they would think “ Never again. Not to my child. Not to my person. Not to any human”. But apparently not. That’s where I got sad. Because apparently the world is ok with it. Or atleast our america is. Our America is ok with more violence. More inequality. We are ok to tell the less that they are lesser. The apparent weak  that they are weak. I come from a place where I was taught to feel lesser and I only feel equal when I am not there. The contrast kills me every time. The only time where the contrast slipped away was that night. I felt less in my castle of equality. What the actual fuck. I thought I was safe. I worked hard to get here and I thought no one could take it away from me. But my America did. Anger bubbles every time that I hear someone say that we are whining. They have never felt the “lesser” feeling. The second class citizen feeling. The feeling that no matter what you do, you’re never going to be hot shit.

[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

Frozen

 Its heartbreaking and frustrating to think that you let the wrong person in. That you relied on a person that won’t ever be there. I don’t know what I expected. Even when I was in my dark days, I didn’t expect her to call. But I was there when she needed me. It feels really selfish to have to make the decision to walk away from someone like that. And I don’t want. I want her to be here for me so I can be there for her. But I got burned so badly that the words she said will ring in my ears whenever she is mentioned. Does that make me petty? I don’t really know if I will get over it. I don’t want to get hurt but honestly, my life has been the most joyful and productive that has been in a while and she wasn’t around. I was never mad that she wasn’t around. I was mad that I invested in the wrong person. That I laid everything on the line for someone who was willing to walk away when I wanted to fix it. I don’t want that kind of person in my life. It is my biggest fear to be honest about how I feel and the person will walk away. I think I came to the realization that I need to identify what type of friend people are. There are basically two types: Surface and Deep. Both have their benefits and downsides. I feel like they are surface friends: in it for the instagram posts and the snapchat streaks, always ready to get way to drunk on a friday night but I cannot rely on them because if there is a better, easier bid, they are ready to walk. Because who wants to get down to the nitty gritty when we could all just have a good time? These friends are great when you want to get away and are really great sometimes as long as you understand what they are. The other type is the deep friend. This friend can do all the raging and cute pictures but if you call them at 3 in the morning because you’re suffering from a panic attack, they will pick up the phone and come over. Because they know that you need them and that you would do they exact same thing for them if the roles were reversed. These people are absolutely indispensable. They are worth everything to me. This time in my life is so transformative and I think last night highlighted that I need to be better friends to these people. I need to be there all the times that they need me to be because I owe them so much. I misidentified a couple of people as deep friends and thats not necessarily their fault. I knew who they were and I think for the first time I was one of the first people that knew them at that level. So I get it now. And that is a great stepping stone. Its a move in the right direction. My friendships with these people will obviously change but I think its healthier for everyone even if it is more painful. But obviously, the surface friendships die first. They aren’t built on much so they cannot be expected to stay strong for long. It makes me sad because I value them but I think I value them too much. I don’t think I am hurt because they weren’t there because honestly I do not think they would have helped or made me feel any better. But I do think I am mad that I made them so much of a priority when I wasn’t much of a priority to them. That sucks. I feel duped but I think it is more my own fault for putting them up there. I got hit in the gut last night by a surface friend and I dont think I will ever let that happen again because I won’t misidentify.

[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

Equal Love

I am not a huge fan of politics. Personally, I believe that being President of the United States is one of the hardest jobs in the world with not a ton of rewards. Yes, the president is remembered for all history but the individual and their family become a target for so much hate and stress. It is a tough job and you have to be a dash crazy to want to do that. With this election being as dramatic as it has, it is really hard to take some of these politicians seriously. A really strong positive is the platform elections provides social issues. It is really easy to focus on yourself day to day. Everyone has a burden to carry throughout the days and nights. Elections are great because it allows to reflect on not only the economic state of our nation but all how we can pull together to help those whose burden is significantly larger through not fault of their own. Lately the conversation is been about restoring American to its original greatness. Now I could be wrong, but wouldn’t the greatest America be a country where everyone works towards the best life that they can achieve without it being totally unattainable? Wouldn’t the best America be a place where every single individual sees another as an equal despite the difference in gender, sex, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity? There are so many individuals who face suffering because of their race or gender or sex or sexual orientation. Why the hell have we let those who believe this is right stand up for so long? This suffering is unnecessary. 

[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

Better, not great

Somehow that became my motto/theme of this semester. At least that how it started. Coming back from a damaging semester with wounds that I had to let heal was hard. On one hand, I have to learn to cope and live healthily again. I have to let myself be calm and at peace while also staying focused and driven. On the other hand, I have to edit my life in a way that prevents a shit show from happening again. Honestly, I do not know what I would do if it did. I want to believe that I am so much better because day to day I do feel that way but what if I can’t. Fear of the unknown is kinda what got me into this position in the first place. Was I good enough? Did they/he/she think I was good enough? Was I worthy of the love that I wanted? Was I attracting people that would ultimately just hurt and drive me deeper into that dark lonely pit? That is super scary. And those thoughts are still with me to an extent. It is the primary reason I still have anxiety but on a much smaller scale. I don’t shake or cry anymore. I fix. I edit. I communicate. I have ladder in the pit but I have to climb on each rung to get out. It is a matter of making the effort to lift my foot up and pushing through. I can’t say that I was the one that put the ladder in the pit. It was the people who love me who did. They saw me fraying at the edges. They made the call. They grabbed the ladder. I do not know where I would be without those individuals. I thank my lucky stars everyday for them. Keeping a close bond with them has made me better. Working on myself and persevering will make me great.

[copingwithoutmoping-blog]

It is tough

Anxiety has always been an issue for me. Whether it was down deep beneath the surface during high school or blatantly present through college, it has been there. In the early years of this ride with anxiety, everything I was dealing with was pretty normal to been anxious about: college apps, sports teams, friends, family, the unknown future. I have always been nervous about the future. I am not one for surprises so not knowing where I would be exactly in 6 months was terrifying. Making decisions that would have a huge impact on my entire life terrified me. But everyone else I knew was dealing with these changes, and no one else was visibly losing their shit so I should keep it together too. I mean what could go wrong? I have learned that asking that doubt question is asking for trouble. I wish I didn’t have movie cliches in my life but I do. Gross. First year of college was good. New found freedoms with only the worry of grades to weigh a medium to heavy burden on my shoulders. I loved where I was. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I had come to a place where I could truly find myself. It was so refreshing. The year end was tough. I was going back home for the summer to the place I were I was so unhappy. Would my new found self acceptance endure home and high school buddies? I still don’t know how to answer that question. At the current moment, I am leaning towards no. Maybe. I have no fucking idea. Another unknown, I guess. Sophomore year was had high hopes. I was going to be in a better dorm. I was going to be around great people. I was going to be healthier. Life was going to be better. Maybe its cosmic justice for thinking I had my shit together, because my shit hit the fan. Hard. The guy I loved hurt me. Family began hitting bumps in the road. Little bumps that wouldn’t have bothered me for more than an hour last semester became road blocks that left me crying at my desk the night before an exam. I lost focus, my grades fell. I began having anxiety attacks and begin left alone with my thoughts became a form of punishment for me. It is a terrifying thing to realize you can’t control yourself. I could get myself to calm down. My reactions were unpredictable and I went from being a calm collected person to high strung, inwardly. From day one, I have not been a super outwardly emotional person. No PDA, no feelings talks, no public signs of weakness. Those around me had no idea that I was basically falling apart. Until one bump turned road block knocked me onto my ass so hard, you’d have to be blind not to notice. Those close friends began pushing me to talk about it. My parents pushed me towards therapy. My first reaction was “no”. But honestly, when you’ve been fighting yourself for this long, you’re exhausted. I tried for a week to go to therapy but had too much anxiety to go. I finally went. I felt better. There is something so amazing about a person who is disconnected from your life but also wants you to talk about it. I was scared about being judged but I was welcomed with open arms. I am going to be ok. I am not right now. But that is ok. I’m working at it because I know that I am a fighter. Mental health is so important so never take yours for granted. You deserve all the love in the world but you also deserve to give everyone in the world your love. 

This blog is for my healing. If you relate and it helps you to read and comment or shwhatever you like, do it. Spread the love around.