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season 1: I'm Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of Magnus Institute, London. My professional opinion is that this is all horseshit and everyone that isn't me needs psychiatric help. Statement ends.

season 2: Supplemental: God lives inside the printer and he keeps telling me my assistants are murderers. I am inclined to believe him based on the fact that Martin told to have a nice day. Innately suspicious behavior.

season 3: My only friends are my ex-girlfriend, her cat, and the many scars I've gotten from various monsters and fear cultists.

season 4: You know, just being socially adept would solve a lot of my problems. Unfortunately, I was traumatized so thoroughly by age eight that I learned the best way to make friends is to blink at them slowly until they get the idea. This does not work when your evil patron god uses eyeballs to devour fear.

season 5: Either Jonah Magnus tells us where he took all the good cows, or my boyfriend and I bash his head in with a lead crowbar. It's his choice.

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despite everything….

bitter jonmartin makes me a little bit insane actually. despite everything, all the anger and fear and betrayal, still together, not by fate but by choice

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if jon was a kid now his grandma would make him be an ipad kid. and a guest for mr spider would be a gacha life video

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the magnus archives is....... a podcast?!?!? duuude... no wayyy..... that's crazy...... no... it can't be.......

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please… help… I’m dying… the only way to save me… is Jmart art……..

DOCTOR!! get this guy some jmart fluff STAT

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Martin: This statement is important!

Jon: Did you look into the statement giver's fate?

Martin: I did look into the statement giver's fate

Jon: Only stupid people look into statement givers' fates. You are stupid.

Tim: I looked into the statement giver's fate

Jon: You are a whore

Tim: This vexes me

Carlos Vittery: I am being haunted by a spider

Martin: That's bad

Carlos Vittery: Also I have arachnophobia

Sasha: You need to be researched. Also, I have not spoken in a while

Jon: No, research will lie to us. He needs to be disbelieved.

Martin: I forbid this!

Jon: Don't care. More disbelief.

Carlos Vittery: I died

Jon: This is unrelated to the spider

Elias: I too am in this episode

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Cecil ahh

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I am far from the first person to say this, but my favourite TMA headcanon will always be that Elias Bouchard was a stealthy trans man and the Eye just decided to not tell Jonah

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"I asked chat gpt"

Well, i asked old woman josie out near the car lot, and she definitely did not tell me anything about the angels that are definitely not finding shelter in her home

And now, the weather

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"I asked chat gpt"

Well, i asked peter lukas but he got anxious cuz he's a lonely boy, so he brought me to simon fairchild who said you're a cunt

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any archival assistant born after 1983 can't archive … all they know is breaking and entering, record they statement, behold, be bisexual, drink hot tea & lie

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"I asked chat gpt"

Sucks for you, I asked the ceasless watcher and I now legally own your most traumatic experience

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good cow

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Color theory: there are several colors

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has anyone done this one yet

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not to spread my Web!Martin agenda but people pleasing is an unwitting form of manipulation.

It’s a well-intended trauma response, and the people doing it often don’t have that intent, but it’s very web aligned. Martin wanted people to like him, because he felt who he was intrinsically was detestable thanks to his mother. So he crafted a persona he thought would be easily liked and get the response he craved from people. WEB WEB WEB WEB WEB

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I always see s5 Moth Creature John but let’s talk about Peacock Creature John who has tried the tail woo-ing thing on Martin at least once on their road trip