crazyonce

[crazyonce]

yaaaaaasssss

craving hume and a cigarette

[crazyonce]

craving hume and a cigarette

[crazyonce]

there are two wolves inside of me, one wants me to be gentle with myself, the other knows midterms are coming dhjsjsjsnjaja i didn’t study enough aagagghgghghhhhhhhhh fuuuuuckkkkkkjj

[crazyonce]

gentle reminder you can rise up from everything. you can recreate yourself. nothing is permanent. you are not stuck. you have choices. you can think new thoughts. you can learn something new. you can create new habits. all that matters is that you decide today and never look back.

[crazyonce]

im trying really hard to romanticize uni life lately but class lasts from 8 am to 8 pm, i barely see the sunlight, and there is not much on my campus that would be giving dark academia :(

[crazyonce]

new acquisitions after library + bubble tea date

[crazyonce]

books i want to finish reading / rereading before december

[crazyonce]

The best part about going outside is you can bring a little treat with you. A book, a coffee, even a cigarette if you’re feeling naughty.

[crazyonce]

i dislike the fact that in french, the words gay (happy) and gay (gay) are spelled in different ways (the former being spelled with an “i”)

because it isn’t as fun and double entendre to tell people that you enjoy “Le Gai Savoir” as speaking of liking the Gay Science

[crazyonce]

We must rest from ourselves occasionally by contemplating and looking down upon ourselves, and by laughing or weeping over ourselves from an artistic remoteness: we must discover the hero, and likewise the fool, that is hidden in our passion for knowledge; we must now and then be joyful in our folly, that we may continue to be joyful in our wisdom! And just because we are heavy and serious men in our ultimate depth, and are rather weights than men, there is nothing that does us so much good as the fool's cap and bells: we need them in presence of ourselves - we need all arrogant, baring, dancing, mocking, childish and blessed Art, in order not to lose the free dominion over things which our ideal demands of us. It would be backsliding for us, with our susceptible integrity, to lapse entirely into morality, and actually become virtuous monsters and scarecrows, on account of the over-strict requirements which we here lay down for ourselves. We ought also to be able to stand above morality, and not only stand with the painful stiffness of one who every moment fears to slip and fall, but we should also be able to soar and play above it! How could we dispense with Art for that purpose, how could we dispense with the fool? - And as long as you are still ashamed of yourselves in any way, you still do not belong to us !

F. Nietzsche, The Gay Science,

Book II, Aphorism 107

[crazyonce]

this is how the hottest girl you know starts her day btw

18/08/24 : it’s currently 11:50 am and i’ve been thinking about college starting again soon.

every august i feel very different from the way i was the year before, i feel myself evolving, learning, growing. but there is one thing that never changes, it’s how motivated i feel to start the next school year (very).

i want to do well. i want to do really well. i wish to learn lots of things because learning is the only thing that feels true and that has always felt true.

my mistake during my high-school years was being really invested in school and scoring really high grades without pouring genuinely my heart into it. i studied to keep my grades high, which took lots of time and effort. successfully, i graduated hs with honors. i felt proud. but something was missing.

i became obsessed with my grades because they validated my purpose. a 20/20 mark means that what i’m doing is good, that my actions are successful. but as i battled myself through my first year of college (which i ended up failing) i realized that high grades can’t possibly be what i’m living for.

i am moved by passion. i am a mad scientist. i yearn for knowledge like a hopeless romantic yearns for true love.

if learning is my purpose i just need to learn, and high grades will come naturally.

or maybe they won’t. and it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal.

as someone who is driven by passion, my toughest lesson is understanding that freeing myself from my dependence of validation is what is going to allow me to live my life the way i intend.

my own validation is enough : i love what i’m studying. so i must pursue it.

the only problem that remains is that glimpse of fear in my guts; my arch nemesis is academic failure. what happens if they deem that i have failed what i’m supposed to be the best at ? what if they don’t let me pursue my dreams because i am unable to function in the way they want me to ? how to prove that i deserve, that i need to be in an academic environment to bloom, to shine, to live ?

first of all that is a very neurodivergent type of anxiety.

second of all, since i have always felt off beat, and unconventional in my ways, i need to understand that my only hope at this point is myself.

having reliable trust in my capacities is what is going to help me fight my anxiety and fear of failure.

even if i don’t do things the way that other people want me to, it’s alright. because my path may be different than the ones that are already beaten.

i believe that i can do great things : if i see the light in myself, it must mean that it exists. and if other people can’t see it, that doesn’t necessarily mean much about my light itself. there is a chance that the issue is theirs to address, or maybe even that there is no issue at all, and my light simply wasn’t supposed to shine for their eyes in the first place.

[crazyonce]

“I have the whole universe in my mind.”

All images are from pinterest

[crazyonce]

meant to be an academic weapon, forced to a be burnt out gifted kid or whtv

[crazyonce]

Once you learn something, make sure you stay up to date.

[crazyonce]

30 days of productivity [ 4 / 30 ]

11.12. | wasn’t the most productive today but at least i got some rest. ate vietnamese. not sure how this fits into the challenge but it was tasty.

[crazyonce]

30 days of productivity [ 2 & 3 / 30 ]

9. & 10.12. | knew this weekend would be a bit off but tried to make the most out of it !! ate healthy, read a bit both days, did some laundry & cleaning.

[crazyonce]

30 days of productivity [ 1 / 30 ]

08.12. | successfully started off the day without using my phone ! did some reading too (not for class, but still found that productive - also it’s Camus so good taste justifies the means) and lots of cleaning up :) exams are starting in exactly a month - kickoff on january 8th, so i’ll actually do a 30 days of productivity for now, we’ll see about the 100 after that