cupidhaos

[cupidhaos]

when you go back and reread your past works and all you can see are spelling errors and edits you wish you could make

[cupidhaos]

Because it's just as I am… that you love me.

Happy belated birthday aki! @taohs

[cupidhaos]

[cupidhaos]

I LOVE YOU, I’M SORRY. | Y. JEONGHAN

➢ Pairing. Yoon Jeonghan x Fem! Reader

➢ Genre. Angst. Romance. Hurt/Comfort. Slice of Life. Established Relationship.

➢ Summary. A fleeting goodbye, a love that lingers — a story of quiet understanding and the bittersweet ache of letting him go.

➢ Word Count. 1.4K

➢ Warnings. Angsty Angst Angst. Break Up. Self-Worth Issues.

➢ Networks. @kflixnet @k-labels

A/N: First fic back after a long break and it’s angsty. So on brand, lol. I wrote this around his enlistment date, so I was going through it, and now you will, too. I hope you enjoy it. Like, Comment, Reblog, or send an ask! - ♡ Nani

He cradled you as you wept into his chest. His cologne, a bittersweet reminder of his presence, filled your senses as he drew you closer, his warmth a stolen comfort. Your throat tightened, holding back the sobs that threatened to consume you. Tears streamed down your face, vanishing into the fabric of his clothes, as you fought to keep your eyes closed, desperately seeking isolation from the world. Yet he remained - a steadfast beacon of love and empathy in your storm of emotions.

You hated it. You hate it so much.

Even in your most pitiful state, he put you above all else. He should be mad at you, hate you, and be combative; he isn't. What else could you expect from him? 

Yoon Jeonghan was an enigmatic anomaly; you are the person he loved. But this love was not without its complexities, its dark corners where self-loathing and dependence intertwined. You questioned if you genuinely deserved the man before you - his love, time, and affection. The dependence that kept you stagnant, forever stuck in the comfort of your relationship, was a constant battle. It was like gravity keeping planets in orbit around each other, forever close but just out of reach. His unconditional support was a paradox in the face of your unworthiness, a constant reminder of your insecurities. The self-loathing, a heavy burden, was a constant companion in your relationship.

You cherished that about him.

Every fickle of his persona, his aura, the way he carried himself. He is witty, sardonic, and borderline insane, yet he's emotionally attuned to his emotions and the feelings of others. He's mischievous - he glints the devil in his eyes when presented with an opportunity to fool you or his friends. Yet, he's the kindest soul you know. He never falters with his acts of service, words of affirmation, and emotional support. He's an angel in hiding, and he's your home. Sometimes, you couldn't help but envy him for being everything you wanted to be in a person. But you wouldn't change him. No, you loved him so dearly, and no one could take his place by your side or in your heart. His every action, every word, every breath, you cherished it all. Your love for him is deep and unwavering, a testament to the strength of your relationship.

That's why it hurts so much: the internal battle, the conflicting emotions, the unbearable weight of letting go.

No one was wronged; there wasn't any cheating, no miscommunication. It was just a fleeting realization that you were unintentionally holding Jeonghan back. He was made for greatness, and everyone knew this. You'd believed that you could be the one to be by his side - the enigmatic power couple. While he excelled in life securing business deals, you accompanied him. Always supportive, always flaunted by him. You were the power couple, but you realized your self-loathing only hindered you in the long run. It came in waves, like bouts of depression; you despised the way you put yourself down. It's been happening more recently, and now you regret not realizing it sooner. The weight of this regret, the heaviness of this realization, it's almost suffocating. You couldn't put him through your turmoil anymore, and you wouldn't. You loved him too much. He loved you. The regret of not recognizing this sooner is a heavy burden you carry.

"I'm sorry," you sob, just above a whisper. Your heart shrinks with every breath as Jeonghan holds you. He gently soothes your back as he leans his cheek against your head. You feel him snuggle into you, kissing your head in reassurance. "There's nothing to be sorry about."

You vigorously shake your head as you pull away from his comforting warmth, the evening breeze prickling your tear-stained face—a bitter welcome to reality. Five years together, gone in the blink of an eye. Five years of mutual growth, companionship, and a tumultuous university romance that you braved in the name of love. Five years of memories that would haunt your conscience.

Yet, here you both were, walking down the street as if nothing had changed, as if the unspoken goodbye hadn’t already settled between you. Your hand in his felt familiar, comforting—but it also felt like a reminder of what you were about to lose. The silence hung heavy, filled with words neither of you could bring yourselves to say. The end was already written, but you couldn’t bring yourself to voice it out loud. The walk was both a last attempt to savor his presence and a slow march toward the inevitable.

"I can't keep doing this." 

You stop in your tracks, and the sudden jolt causes Jeonghan to turn around. Your hands interlocked, clasped, as you walked down the street together. Jeonghan stares at you, assessing the situation as he steps toward you. "Hey, are you okay? Are you nervous? We can cancel the dinner; I'm sure the guys will understand, talk to me, babe." He gently cups your face, his eyes shining with love as he searches for yours in reciprocation. However, you can't meet his gaze, the guilt mulling over your brain as you viciously chew the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from crying. But it's all in vain. A lone tear rolls down your face.

Jeonghan's thumb gently brushes the tear away, his touch tender and reassuring—but it only deepens the ache in your chest. You close your eyes, leaning into his palm for a moment longer, savoring the last bit of comfort before the inevitable.

"Please, don't do this," you whisper, your voice trembling under the weight of your emotions. "Don't make this harder than it already is."

His brows knit together, not in confusion but in understanding. He already knows. He has always known.

"You're leaving," he says softly, the words hanging in the air between you, carrying the weight of unspoken truths. There's no anger, no shock—just quiet acceptance. "You've been thinking about this for a while, haven't you?"

Your breath catches, and you nod, unable to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry."

He steps closer, his hands finding yours, fingers intertwining with a gentleness that only makes it harder to let go. "Don't apologize. If this is what you need, I won't stand in your way."

The calmness in his voice cracks something inside you. You had expected resistance, a fight—something to make this easier. But Jeonghan, as always, understands you too well. He won't make this about himself. He won't cling to you out of selfishness. And that makes it all the more heartbreaking.

"You deserve more," you choke out, tears spilling down your cheeks. "Someone who isn't...broken. Someone who can match your light."

Jeonghan shakes his head gently, a wistful smile playing on his lips. "You think I love you because you're perfect? Do you think I haven't seen your struggles? Your doubts? I love you because of all of it—because you're real. Because you've let me see the parts of you that no one else gets to see."

You pull your hands away, wiping at your tears with trembling fingers. "And that's why I can't keep doing this. I've been leaning on you too much. I've made you my lifeline, and that's not fair to you."

He tilts his head, considering your words. There's no frustration in his expression, only quiet contemplation. "If you need space to find yourself, I understand. But don't frame this as something you're doing for me. I never asked you to be perfect. I just asked you to be you."

His words hang in the air, the truth of them undeniable. You're the one choosing to walk away. You're the one deciding that his love isn't something you can carry anymore.

"I need to learn how to stand on my own," you whisper. "And I can't do that if I always lean on you."

Jeonghan nods slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. "Then go. Find yourself. But know that I'll still be here, loving you from afar. Not because I'm waiting for you to come back, but because loving you is something I can't turn off."

Your sobs come harder now, uncontrollable and raw. He doesn't try to comfort you this time. He stands there, watching, letting you feel every ounce of pain and guilt from your decision.

Finally, you take a shaky step back. "Goodbye, Jeonghan."

As you turn and walk away, the words spill from your lips in a whisper, carried by the wind. "I love you. I'm sorry."

Jeonghan stands still, watching your figure grow smaller with each step. His chest rises and falls with steady breaths, his eyes never wavering from you. A faint, bittersweet smile tugs at the corner of his lips as he whispers to himself, "I know. I love you too."And in that moment, he vows to carry your love with him, no matter how far apart you may be. He stands there long until the night air grows colder and the streets quiet. But even then, he doesn't move—because some part of him knows that goodbye isn't forever.

©XFIREBENDERX 2024

[cupidhaos]

SHES BAAAACK

[HELLO THIS IS PLEDIS ENTERTAINMENT]

I'm kidding. I know barely anyone will see this, but who's back from her long, unplanned hiatus (uh, it is I)?

For those of you who don't know me and those who might've forgotten who I am, Hello! This is Nani, your go-to SVT Angst connoisseur! Occasionally, I make some nice, cute, fluffy one-shots, but most of my fics will have you questioning your life existence and staring at the ceiling with a pain in your chest (as I said, Angst Connoisseur).

So, I should start by explaining my absence. I'm adulting (severely). I got a job! It's been very rewarding and draining at the same time, but this job takes up most of my time, so I haven't had the time to sit down and write for the last two and a half years. I also had no time to be active because I had to care for my ailing grandmother after work. This leads me to this last year: my grandmother sadly passed in August, and I was - and still am- devastated. The last few months have been a reverie of me trying to assimilate and deal with my grief while being neck-deep in my work.

I love writing, and I will always love SVT! However, I haven't had the chance to write due to my hectic life. I know I have a lot of unfinished projects, and I want to finish them, but I just don't know how to finish them and give you guys fics worthy of your time. I might be more active on my blog, and I'll try to write something up. I just hope you enjoy it and that it's up to your expectations.

With that being said, I do have a fic that I am proud of that I recently worked on. I will share it with you all. I hope you enjoy it!

Thank you for taking the time to read! For those of you who are new to my blog, don't feel shy to read some of my works! And to my moots and friends, your emo angsty young adult is back, and I missed y'all!

[cupidhaos]

Omg Mei its been a while! Welcome back darling! ((:

hi honey!! its been so long!! thank you hopefully

im back for a bit <3

[cupidhaos]

IS THIS IT??!??! ARE YOU BACK?!

HEYYY I THINK ITS A YES 🤭

[cupidhaos]

i just read what is love and never ever has the ending of a social media au left me devastated GODDDDDD

as the writer as what is love i can also say it left me devastated as well even tho i wont lie i was giggling a little bit when writing it HAHAHA

[cupidhaos]

hi i hope you’re doing well ~ i think i’ve sent smth similar to this before but i just wanted to say that i always come and go from tumblr but whenever i do come back to this god forsaken app i always come back here are read all your fics <3 they’re honestly comfort reads for me

no pressure but if you ever start updating line without a hook again i would very much be interested :3

aww thank you!! im doing pretty well recently and i appreciate you finding comfort in my writing it means so much to me!! i really do want to start updating again maybe not so frequently but i also wanted to slowly and possibly release some other works and aus as well !! lifes been a bit crazy with me getting a new job and fleeing to another country to start a new life there and stuff haha aswell as like just some crazy health issues too and i was kinda in a manic phase for a bit but im all better now haha!! sorry that was a lot my bad but anyways hope youre well too !! <3

[cupidhaos]

Hey I just read 2 of your smau: Starstruck and What is Love. AND THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. Literally stayed up all night reading them.

And I realized they're a part of a bigger "multiverse of madness." I just wanted to know the order in which these connected cupid seokmin/vernon/chan take place?

hi hiii!! thank you so much!! also for the lore i kinda explained it in this ask like the order in which you read it!! i hope that helps!!

[cupidhaos]

hiiiii i love to read the amazing smaus you write! they always have me laughing really hard <3 i was wondering what you use to generate them?

thank you!! also i used to use social dummy it had like all the different kinds of social media apps on there which was really fun!!

[cupidhaos]

so from what i understand all your smaus are connected?? with seokmin being a cupid and all of that? if yes then what’s the timeline i read all of them but i’m still kinda confused about that 😭😭 also your fics makes my days so much better i don’t like old fics they’re kinda cringe but yours are still fun to read so yeah thank you<33

they are all connected!! so from what i remember in my dusty brain of mine basically the order was in like a lore (?) sense:

what is love? -> moments of love one shots -> starstruck -> keep it fruity -> newsflash! -> move!

and lwah isnt included bc its not completed but tbf i had like six (?) other smaus planned that also added to the lore a bit but then i went mia the last two ish years LOL but the most fun way to read it in order to kinda get like a mystery vibe is like chronologically of release which is

newsflash -> move! -> keep it fruity -> starstruck -> what is love? -> moments of love

hope that makes sense? this is a year later i think but yeah!

[cupidhaos]

me? Oh don't mind me I'm just here for my half-yearly re-read of Newsflash and Move!

(i cant believe i discovered you when i was a freshman in college, and now I'm a senior and you're still my favourite writer! Re-reading this two series' every semester break has become my routine. I love it here YAS)

being called someones fav writer while pretty much being in a two year hiatus drought is CRAZY and im so honored 😫 newsflash was my baby and move! was my experimental era i went into those fics with nothing in my head LMAO

(also yeah thats crazy i was also a freshman in college when i wrote move! and a senior in high school when i opened my account and started newsflash and now my ass is graduated and ive been a preschool teacher for two years and my ass is almost 24 now like… heading to retirement home rn…)

[cupidhaos]

hello ive been reading ur smaus and firstly: theyre bomb as fuck, and i luv em. theyre so gooood + the plotline is GREAT with just enough unhinged to make it fun. secondly: theyre so funny that ive been laughing intermittently in my room so loudly that my mum walked in and asked me wtf i was laughing at but i couldnt tell her it was ur smaus <3 thank u for them! hope ur well + hope to see u arnd again on tumblr soon 🫶🫶🫶 big luv frm user cheolful

.... ps the fuck i saw that one ask ab being ooc, and can i j say that anon has no taste and doesnt know how to have fun and should unclench!

HAHA thank you user cheolful whenever anyone tells me my aus are funny i kick my feet a little bc its just my sense of humor im trying to project LOL ! thank YOU for reading them and appreciating my works!! ive been well (ish) recently and i wanna come back on tumblr more frequently maybe like a monthly post or something 💀 but yeah the anon who said my ask was ooc was unhinged LOL it was like my first real negative comment and my ass just went radio silent afterwards HAHA but yeah idk im just a girl trying to write silly little fics and love n appreciate u so much <3

[cupidhaos]

hihi! just wanted to pop in and say im loving ur fics <3 i started with the dk one, and its making me v happy. i love ur pacing + characterisation + setup, theyre a fun read :p

as an aside, it reminds me of a non-svt socmed au series that was taken down a lil while ago now which i used to love nd its for sure scratching the itch i had for it again 🫶 hope ur well, had a happy holidays nd im looking forward to your future works! xo

hehe thank you i always love reading asks like this it reminds me why i wrote my fics in the first place :) i remember starting on here from nothing basically scratch and i literally had like five followers and three were bots and i just loved writing and would post like five parts randomly in the span of two days haha i guess over the years i got lost in the interactions and asks and lost the real reason i was writing in the first place which was because i enjoyed it and it was fun and made me happy!! i think i just got too caught up in the mass amount of interactions id get before and would get discouraged whenever my recent fics never got that treatment (like… calm down mei get your ego checked pls) sorry for the mini ramble but yeah ! i hope to release more works in the future and hope to get back on here again :D

[cupidhaos]

THE AUDACITY OF THAT ANON 😡😠🤬😡😠🤬 I mean I get that they might not be of your tastes (but like how?! Your fanfics are awesome 😭😭😭) but the way they expressed it to you nah 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️

YOUR CHARACTERS ARE THE BEST, I AM ATTACHED TO EVERY ONE OF THEM

also, how did the concert go?

omg this really is super late but thank you for your support youre such a sweetheart <3 also the concert was dope despite me telling you two (?) years later HAHA but it was so much fun i relive it in my head every night 😨