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[cursedzebra]

Wizards of the Coast revealing their first canonically autistic character for D&D (Asteria) has got me thinking about which of my past D&D characters are Autistic. And I think my conclusion is... All of them. Because I don't really know how to play them any other way.

I was only diagnosed last year. So have only made and played one character since then -Evelyn, who I have some art of on my page if you want to look (check the tags below). I only got to play her in a handful of sessions before that campaign and group came to an abrupt end (and I'm not ready to talk about that yet) but when I created Evelyn she was consciously and explicitly Autistic coded.

She was an investigator with a strong eye for detail, high perception and insight, worked best alone, an insomniac, bad habits and coping mechanisms... Lots of classic noir detective traits, but which were conscious reflections of personal traits of mine. And there's a long history of autisic and autistic coded detectives and sleuths in popular culture. I didn't play her long enough to flesh her out, but I was leaning into those tropes.

But even going back to my first character that I played years ago, Pruella (Proo) my fighter, there were definitely choices about the way I played her which were kind of autistic.

She was my first character, in my first D&D group, and I was very nervous about playing with new people, and role playing was something I was new to. So I played a socially awkward character. Over time I got more comfortable, so played her social awkwardness differently, but the characteristics fit

Proo was slow to pick up on social cues and expectations. She didn't recognise compliments that were given to her, or pick up on when she was flirted with. Once we were payed a reward by a prince, and I asked the DM how much I was given, and he asked me "are you going to stand and count it in front of the prince?" And yeah, of course I was! That's the most gold she'd held in her life, she wanted to know how much it was! Sometimes she may have come across as rude. I rationalised these things as being due to her living on the streets or under a bridge for half her life, and so not necessarily understanding social conventions, but I recognise those are also traits I chose because they are part of who I am. I feel out of place most places I go. I feel like a bit of a goblin trying to pass myself off as human (Proo is a half elf, but lived with 2 goblins, who were also social outcasts, under a bridge for a while)

Eleanor, my wizard, was definitely autistic, even if I didn't create her with that intention. Socially awkward, difficulty with crowds, special interests... From the start I described her as a dragon girl - the type of girl who would draw dragons in her note books, who might have had dragons on the front of her lunch box and her t-shirts at school, who loved any stories about dragons... I mean her best friend was a Kobold. Obsessed with dragons. Half way through the campaign I took the telepathic feat, and I rationalised that by saying she'd been able to read thoughts and talk to people with her mind the entire time, but didn't like doing it very often because it was too intimate and uncomfortable, a bit like prolonged eye contact. She also had the prodigy feat from the start, so had an extremely high arcana skill, and proficiency with alchemy. She dropped out of the Neverwinter Academy because she was bored and not allowed to study what interested her (and because fuck your wizard school). She was a nerd, as wizards tend to be, but in a very specific shambolic, clumsy, girl failure, disaster gay way.

Vanta is possibly my least Autistic coded character, because I tried to play her with a personality type different to mine. She's a sorcerer, so a high charisma character, and I am not a high charisma person. In practice this meant that I played her as quite aloof a lot of the time, and who spoke in quite a deadpan Aubrey Plaza-esque way, but could turn the charisma up if required. Vanta was a very focused character. She knew what she wanted, and had little interest in things that didn't further her goals. I think she was probably outwardly seen as un-empathetic, but she wasn't really, she just expressed it differently than most.

There was a time we were on a ship, and to protect ourselves during a storm we decided to tie ourselves to the ship so we weren't thrown overboard. Everyone got out their hempen rope and then I took out my silk rope - cue jokes about me being fancy. I said hemp rope was too rough on the skin. Cue some more jokes about it being a kink thing, etc... but you know, sensory issues, they're a thing! Vanta wore silk for the same reason!

Even when trying to play someone different to myself, the autistic traits are unavoidable, because it's all still coming from me. Obviously I'm using pretty broad strokes here, and limiting myself with the examples so as not to go on and on. But my conclusion is that it might not be possible for me to play characters who aren't at least a bit autistic. Also, getting diagnosed has allowed me to look back at these people I've created and still spend a lot of time thinking about, and notice new things about them. And I think that's pretty cool. (This post has been sat in my drafts for a while now and I forgot about it, so I'm just going to post it)

[cursedzebra]

I don't know what they're looking at here, but I am assuming it's a drawing of a penis.

Laura and Ashley telling each other they love each other mid game is the reason I live…

[cursedzebra]

I'm currently going through the process of getting diagnosed for ADHD, and I am not enjoying it.

You're telling me I have to fill out 5 (FIVE) assessment questionnaires, 4 of which are PDFs I have download, figure out how to edit, and upload them to a difficult to use website, and do that within 2 weeks? Is this a trick?!

Of course I took a week to even start them, because why would I give myself adequate time?

I filled in 2 forms yesterday afternoon and my brain felt like sludge afterwards. I manage nothing for the rest of the day except lay on the sofa and watch episodes of TV that I had already seen a dozen times.

When I originally got referred 3 years ago I took too long to send back the initial forms and thought I'd been thrown off the waiting list until 3 years later I got a phone call offering me an assessment. Failing to fill out these forms on time would be funny, and tragic, and very on brand for me, and frankly should be enough for them to diagnose me with ADHD on the spot. But I'm going to do my best to get them uploaded on time if it kills me.

[cursedzebra]

Fearne making a pact with Asmodeus because a hot devil tempted her with a life of pleasure is extremely on brand for my image of her.

I know there are people out there who are into the idea of Fearne and Chetney as a couple, or Ferarne and Ashton, or even some who are still hoping for Fearne and Imogen... But my hope for her is that Fearne has no ultimate love interest. She said in an early episode "I'm sure I'll make my way around all of you eventually" and while I don't think that specifically will happen (Orym isn't into women, FCG seems committed to Frida, and Imogen and Laudna are surely a long term thing, and they don't strike me as the threesome type), I do think Fearne could just be down to clown with whoever takes her fancy in the moment.

I think the threesome was as much if not more about her wanting to bang Deanna as it was about Chetney. Maybe she'll bone a champion of Asmodeus if she feels like it. I think if Yu had stuck around longer she'd have probably got it on with them. There will probably be others down the line. I can see her going back to the Fey realm and hooking up with a flirty Nymph. I don't know how Ashton feels about one night stands, they haven't said a lot about personal relationships that I can remember, but I could see there being something there if they're open to it. Fearne is a creature of impulse. I don't think she will 'end up with' anyone, and I think that's the way I'd prefer things to go.

Much like Beau in campaign 2 , wherever the party needs to level up, I hope Fearne is there to get laid and make that happen.

Live deliciously.

[cursedzebra]

Keyleth, Orym, Ashton, and Anger

Something struck me on the most recent 4SD that I've been mulling over ever since, and that was Taliesin saying that Ashton didn't steal anything from Keyleth's room while they were visiting because he was so star-struck. This might be the coolest person Ashton had ever seen: injured, in pain, angry for 30 FUCKING YEARS, and what does she want from them?

She wants a place to finally put that anger. She wants a way to take this pain and turn it into something good, if not for her then on a broader sense. This is exactly the same conclusion that Ashton came to, I think, watching Bor'dor die. Because Bor'dor let that anger consume him. He looked at this group of people who had hurt him indirectly, who didn't know him, with whom he could have a genuine new start, and decided that his proudest moment in life was duping them into thinking he cared, all so he could drop a Vitriolic Sphere on them as revenge. He didn't find anywhere to put his anger that was good. He let it and his pain and the unfairness of the world eat him to the point that he turned around and attacked Prism, who had never done anything to him, who looked at him as one of her best friends, all because she was guilty by random association.

And I think Ashton saw themselves in Bor'dor far more than they saw themselves in Laudna in that moment. And in that moment, Ashton finally decided to let Bor'dor die, and that part of themselves that's angry at the world at random, that lashes out in pain at anything close, had to die with him.

Ashton is on a new path. They have finally found somewhere to put their anger. They've decided to be a fucking hero. And out of nowhere this woman that Orym respects more than anyone says the exact same thing. She, the wisest person Orym knows, is also looking for a place to put her anger. She is also in pain. She is also injured, and needs somewhere to finally focus all that rage that is bubbling up inside her.

And they don't share any real moment together. They don't know one another. Ships that pass in the night, and all that. But she does know Orym, and she does speak to Orym, and I have to wonder in that moment if Ashton looks at Orym and recognizes that same pain and rage in him. This quiet and calm man, Ashton's balance point since early on, has the same rage, the same pain, and now also has a place to put it, and it's all the same place. All three of them are aiming the same.

Anyway, I would love to have a followup conversation between Ashton and Orym after the meditation conversation, with Orym coming to Ashton to talk about anger. If Ashton wants Orym to teach them how to find a calm at their center, Orym might just want Ashton to teach them about directed rage. And I know it probably won't happen, but wouldn't it be cool if, at the next level-up, we got a little swap? Ashton takes a level in fighter, and Orym takes a level in barbarian. Ashton gains a little of that battlefield focus, and Orym finally has an outlet for all that rage.

[cursedzebra]

[ID by @sage-was-stolen:

Images are from the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode "Darmok".

First image: A closeup of Picard as he speaks to a wounded Dathon, in an attempt to comfort him. Captions are added that read: "And... they were roommates."

Second image: A closeup of Dathon responding and smiling while laid down. Captions are added that read: "(Laughing) They were roommates!"

End ID]

[cursedzebra]

Page 23

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Panel 1: Later that night. Laudna’s door opens to a tearful Imogen on her doorstep with a lantern (held aloft by Mage Hand, as her arms are folded). A spindly, eerie figure lurks in the shadowed doorway, spidery hands creeping around the doorframe and eyes glowing pinpricks.

Panel 2: Then she steps into the light, and is just Laudna, bed-headed and in her nightgown.

Laudna: Imogen! What’s the matter, darling? Is everything all right?

Imogen: Sorry to wake you. I just . . . couldn’t stand to be in that house anymore.

Laudna: Come inside.

Panel 3: Laudna guides her to sit on her bed. Imogen scrubs the tears away from her eyes self-consciously.

Laudna: Here, sit down. Are you well?

Imogen: I’m fine. It’s not really anythin’. Feels stupid to be so upset about it now. I had a fight with my dad, and then I had one of those nightmares I told you about.

Laudna: Ohh. Do you want to tell me about it?

Panel 4: Laudna pours a cup of water from a pitcher near the bed.

Imogen: It’s always the same. I’m standin’ in the field outside my house and then this awful red storm comes up and swallows everything and I can’t get away. Doesn’t really sound like much now, but when I’m in it, it feels like the worst thing imaginable. Like maybe if it catches me, I just . . . won’t be anymore.

Laudna: No, it sounds dreadful! I wonder what it could mean.

Panel 5: Laudna sits down next to her and passes her the cup of water. With her other hand, she covers her exposed ear with her hair.

Imogen: I’m sorry. I woke you up in the middle of the night and got you out of bed for somethin’ that’s not even real.

Laudna: It’s real to you.

Imogen: When I woke up I just . . . couldn’t be there anymore. Even alone in the house with my dad it was just . . . too loud.

Panel 6: Laudna starts fluffing up her pillow.

Laudna: Well, you’re welcome to stay the night here, if you’d like.

Imogen: You don’t mind?

Laudna: Not at all! I’d enjoy the company. Here . . . I’m afraid the bed’s not very big, but neither of us takes up much space. Or I could take the floor, if you’d prefer.

Imogen: Oh, I couldn’t put you out of your bed. I . . . I don’t mind sharin’.

Laudna: Well, then. I think there’s just enough room for three.

Imogen: . . . Three?

Panel 7: Inset: Pâté is, of course, here as well.

Pâté: Nighty-night, Imogen! Hope your dreams are as lovely as you.

Laudna: Oh, Pâté, what a nice thing to say.

Imogen: . . . Night-night, Pâté.

[cursedzebra]

Imogen: " Does this woman like me? I think I'm in love with her and I want to confess my feelings but I just don't know if she feels the same"

Launda: [Puppeting a marionette that she made herself, and doing it's voice] "I'm really horny you see. I'd really like a girlfriend"

Imogen: "I just can't tell. I guess I'll just keep my feelings to myself and never tell a soul"

[cursedzebra]

There's also a theory going around that Chetney could be Scanlan's dad (Scanlan never met his father and some of the details and the dates kind of check out). I'd really love for this to be true and Travis has been playing a slow burn troll on Sam.

The even funnier option is that he's both their fathers.

#criticalrole #criticalrolespoilers

[cursedzebra]

idk when we decided that explaining yourself shouldn't be part of an apology but like. if someone was a dick to me and apologizes but I still don't understand why they did it I'm not gonna feel any better

[cursedzebra]

Such a red flag, particularly after recent experience.

small comic illustrating my adventures in looking at potential college roommates

[cursedzebra]

I hate that I have to post this on here with a watermark and a filter that obscures the fine detail. I also hate that having taught myself to draw like this over the last 3 years, I now have to explicitly say that I DID draw this and it isn't AyyEye.

Anyway, this is Vanta, my Raven Queen themed divine soul sorcerer, from a campaign that will never be finished. I would love to play her again in a different game somehow, but that looks unlikely right now.

I am not totally happy with the hair, but I learned a lot about skin texture while drawing this.

[cursedzebra]

i’m not “lazy” i’m just a fragile victorian maiden. i can only handle 1-2 mildly taxing activities a day before i have to put myself down for a nap until dinner

[cursedzebra]

I'm going to post this now. I should have posted it before christmas, but I wanted to wait until it was 100% finished, but I don't think it's going to get to that stage, because I've moved on to other things and I find it difficult to go back things later.

She could do with some jewellery, and more small details, but I don't feel like doing that. The point of this drawing was to show my current D&D character, Evelynn, in her fancy outfit, and I basically managed that. As usual though, I can't resist blending every shadow and highlight and it spiralled a bit.

I learn something from everything I draw, and I learned a lot from this one.

[cursedzebra]

Cathrine Deneuve from The Hunger 1983

[cursedzebra]

I don't want to post an update of the same D&D character art 2 days in a row, but fuck, my progress on it since yesterday is gooood. The original artwork for Evelynn took months (I was very ill at the time, but still, it took ages) this one has been less than a week so far and it's better.

One of my aims has been to reduce the amount of time it takes me to finish a drawing, with the hope that I could maybe take commissions at some point. I have been working on that over the last few weeks by doing little cartoons and things here and there, trying to finish them in an afternoon, and then move on, not obsess over fine details. It seems to have worked. Also just practice in general helps. Annoying, but true.

[cursedzebra]

Very much a work in progress. My current D&D character Evelynn again, but in her fancy outfit.

The only thing we were told about the start of the first adventure of the campaign was that we would be on our way home from a party. So of course I spent 25 of my limited starting gold on a set of fancy clothes. As it turned out, we were staff at the party, not guests. I just decided to play that as a misunderstand and so I'd turned up over dressed.

The second adventure mentions a ball in the title. So maybe this time Evelynn shall get to go the ball. I just want to swing from a chandelier and fuck shit up in a nice dress, is that so much to ask?

Since her character art shows her in her normal clothes/armour I thought i'd draw a second version to show what the fancy outfit looks like.

Often when I'm making characters art, I tend to start by basing them on vintage clothes (usually 1930s or 40s), and then work on making the *fantasy* - which usually just involves adding belts, buckles, lacing... I'm thinking this dress will have some gold deco style details to it.

I think Evelynn always wears gloves. I haven't really decided why yet, but it's a character trait I'm going with. Also maybe she smokes cigars sometimes?

Now we're level 2, I get my Ranger spell casting feature, and a fighting style. I'm going with the druidic warrior style purely because I want her to be able to fight with her stick, and because of her low strength score (8), the best way to do that is the shillelagh cantrip so she can use her wisdom (16) instead.