czernycohen

[czernycohen]

When did South Carolina become home and why was I so unaware that that’s how I felt?

[czernycohen]

Dad

There was a moment before I started college when I was leaving home and moving my things to the dorms for the very first time. My dad had to go to dialysis that day so my mom had been the only one to drive with me. Dad walked out to the garage with us to see me off and for a moment, I felt this intense grief, feeling like I'm walking away for the last time, never to return again. I let a tear or two escape my eyes, but then swallowed the rest of my emotions. I told myself that what I'm feeling instead is fear of something new, fear of the unknown - the embodiment of the end of a new chapter and the turning of new page, just like any other teenager off to attend college. But looking back, that grief was warranted. I never truly came home. I went from the dorms to a shared apartment near school. And I went from seeing my dad daily to weekly to monthly, then to as possible or pertinent holidays. It came to a point where my dad was commenting on how little he saw of me and a couple of weeks before passed away, he was overjoyed that we took the time to have lunch with him.

What's tragic is that senior year, I didn't want to apply to colleges away from Los Angeles because I knew that he had terminal disease. I was afraid that there would be an emergency or that he would die when I was stuck in a different state. So among others, that was a reason I stayed local, but somehow, even if I was only 40 minutes away, I was effectively absent anyway.

So that moment when I hugged my dad good bye and felt immeasurable sadness of leaving him for the last time was actually true. I don't think we had another significant conversation or interaction after that. And that was the time I truly was able to say good bye because I didn't get to say good bye before he passed away.

I wonder if he knew that that was our good bye.

I think somehow, in my heart of hearts, I did, but I was too young to acknowledge it.

That's probably the worst of the tragedy of losing your father while you're young - the lack of wisdom necessary to truly find your closure.

[czernycohen]

This was a good day!

First golden weekend after a couple of inpatient rotations. The weather was crisp but not cold and it was windy. Went to the farmer’s market and found a great selection of produce. Either I was in a good mood or everyone else was in a good mood or both because everyone was smiling, making eye contact, thanking us for our purchases - it feels nice to be able to support small businesses. Then went to Mark Martin’s and walked around the rural area while waiting for them to prepare our steak. The walk was full of smiles and wind and laughs. Then went to Whole Foods and found a pretty bouquet of pink and yellow roses with eucalyptus (reflected on how it’s been too stressful and sometimes sad to feel like buying flowers so became thankful that I’m happy and feeling content to enjoy flower shopping). The employee at the seafood aisle was also someone who offered to de-spine the Branzino. Found a good selection of cheese that Brett wanted. Went home and tidied up the fridge and kitchen then sat with Brett eating cheese and putting the flowers together while watching Boston Legal. Then went to Lowe’s to get Brett’s dry aging fridge where a friendly employee went above and beyond to help us. Plus, there were a BUNCH of plants on clearance so we went home with 5 new plants!

All in all, a great and happy day! Life is so so good!

March 2025; Home; Pennsylvania

[czernycohen]

Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we can not know it.

Blaise Pascal

[czernycohen]

I feel out of sorts. I can’t figure out what it is, exactly. Sometimes I feel like I’m yearning for some thing familiar, something that brings me back to my childhood. Sometimes I feel like I need something new.

Maybe what I want is something fulfilling but not in the I need to find purpose kind of way. More like the comfy, cozy, feeling of feeling “home” in my self. Of doing something that I felt home with before.

Scrapbooking?

[czernycohen]

Grief comes in waves.

Sometimes, it takes months or even years in between.

But it always comes again and again.

Sometimes, it’s subconscious - just having this feeling that something’s inside that’s threatening to come out. Then comes the idea of watching a sad movie. And during the parts that typically cause tears, sobs come out instead, but for a different reason.

I don’t think grief will ever stop. It accompanies memories, periods of deep thought, and moments when I think “this would have been a good time to seek his counsel.”

Sometimes it feels good to sob it out. Sometimes it just feels bad. Either way, it always comes back.

Photo: LAX, 2017. Waiting to board the plane to Manila. I remember Dad’s ashes being heavy. We put the urn in a rolling carry on, but Brett wouldn’t let us roll the bag. He carried it through the terminal and until we got into the plane.

…

I had asked him to marry me a week earlier. He asked me to marry him several months after.

…

Sorrow and Joy.

Grief and Happiness.

Darkness and Brightness.

[czernycohen]

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone; the shell cracks, its insides come out, and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.

Cynthia Occelli

[czernycohen]

I want to have discussions. Debates. Intellectual disagreements. Think about the complexities of life, decisions, issues, current processes. Understand possible causes and hear dissenting opinions and diverse perspectives. I want the time to explore those in minute detail.

Right now there’s always so much to cover in a 1 hour conversation. We cover surface level ideas and seek to improve issues based on surface level understanding. Not only is it not a satisfying experience, but it also isn’t conducive to long term conversations.

I just want to have conversations that bring me joy. Conversations that I find interesting. Those types of conversations are what makes me feel alive.

Photo: Brett & Czerny Wedding, Pasadena 2018

The moment I realized we could have lifelong intellectual conversations was the moment I fell in love with him. The moment we easily settled into a conversation about culture and political identity during a long car ride was the moment I knew I would love him forever.

[czernycohen]

[czernycohen]

Him, always him. Someone once told me that being able to get a man as wonderful as he is to fall in love with me is an achievement in and of itself and I think that is absolutely correct.

Photo: New York City, 2024.

[czernycohen]

Musing to Myself

Hi Tumblr,

It's been a while. I created this in hopes of articulating what it is I'm asking of myself and of my life. To capture my fleeting truth, snippets of my thoughts, and harness some emotions buried fairly deep within. To express in words, whether or not in full sentences, or articulate through images that which I cannot fully express. Somewhere along this journey, I hope to understand my truth and the beginning of the pathway that will move me forward.

This medium once enabled me to express who I was (though in fair anonymity) when I was younger. I'm hoping it can help me understand myself once again.

I feel as though I'm meant to do something, be something, or fulfill something and it's tugging at me almost every waking moment. But whether it's something better or just something different, I haven't figured out what it is. Yet. Maybe if I put bits and pieces of myself in here, I can look at each piece of the compilation at some point and slice it together.

The Tanya suggests that each individual has a unique and significant purpose; that every being is born because there is a specific deficit in the universe meant to be fulfilled by that one person. I am choosing to believe that that's true and I am determined to find out what my purpose is supposed to be.

Photo: Kerid Crater Lake, Iceland. 2024.