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Diary part 2 I guess

Some time ago there was a post that was not called "diary" but let's say its the first page of my diary...

The thing is now that I am stuck.

Not happy with anything anymore, I just feel empty and unsatisfied, tired. Always wearing my happy or neutral mask these days. I feel like I'm just a hole now, like wind could just blow right through me and my bones would howl from it making a scary, devastating noise.

I tried to distract myself with new hobbies, with games, people, work. It works for a while. Few days at best.

I might just need attention, yet when I'm around people I feel desperate yet so uncomfortable and soooo sooo ready to leave. I want to be alone and at the same time I just can't handle loneliness anymore.

I want to be happy but try as I might that's not comming my way.

I eat sometimes

Sometimes I get laid

Sometimes I even work out

But I just want to quit everything. Quit my job, run away from people, literally just run away in to the woods. Just ready to become the crazy one. Not like, "oh *Monika* (lets just put a name here) you flashed your ass to that guy, you're so crazy!!", But the kind of that scares people of (oh wait...), that is somewhat further away of the norm (wait... I guess I'm already half way to the crazy town), that people stop expecting and demanding "normal" things from me, because the pressure makes it even worse. It sucks to hear that my purpose in life is to breed with a white intelligent rich man who is also in the same age group as I am, that I won't be happy until I get that person, because a person is a thing and you OWN a person. I'm not here to be owned and used for reproduction of this rotten species

You can't expect me to grow up as a strong, successful and a happy independant woman if you are willing to kick me in the face for not having a boyfriend...

"I just wish you were hapyer, no one wants a sad wife"

"You should smile more because you look depressed" well maybe I am and hell I don't need a reason for it yet society gives me plenty to chose from...

Ok I wanted just to cry here a little bit, but now its an angry rant ... It's not healthy to turn all of my emotions into anger

Long story short

I want to do something with my life, yet I don't know how can I improve it

I don't want to listen to the bullshit that's being shoved into my face. If people can't be happy seperately then they won't be happy together and expecting the other one to bring you happiness is just selfish and I don't want to become that, I don't want to drain people fuck it actually I don't really want people in my life and thats absolutely okay! Just want that empty feeling to go away

But I don't know what to do with it

Wish I knew

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Long time no see, missed this place... But it's not the same... Not the same

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BMTH Lockscreen

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2018.01.19 Visokių senų dalykų randi, kai neturi ką veikt ❄️ Senkju @svieto.perejunas už kantrybe mane fotkinant ir @the.peculiar.world.of.giraffe kad nepalikai mūsų vienų miške (at Vilnius, Lithuania) https://www.instagram.com/p/BssS1kpDGin/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=21ub1ugc6ahu

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photo by LeeAnn Hughes-Mastin ( my edits )

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If everyone who went to church did 1 hour of community service once a week instead, there would be more good in the world

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my blog will make you smile ♥ 

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https://jasperschmidt.tumblr.com

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Darkwood (2014) model : Elbereth Lasombrae

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my blog will make you smile ♥

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by Eva Milkonskaya