danhanswers

[danhanswers]

2008 Me: “A Series of Unfortunate Events started out good, but eventually it got too unbelievable and really went off the rails and lost its sensibility.”

2018 Me: “A Series of Unfortunate Events is a devastatingly accurate metaphor of society and perfectly illustrates how growing up mandates the shedding of your innocence in the ugliest of ways and relentlessly reminds us that if people don’t actually stop evil it will become more and more outlandish and unbelievable but only to those observing from outside, because much as a frog will allow itself to be slowly boiled alive, society will accept worse and worse conditions without even noticing just how far they’ve fallen, and the fact is that what we consider ‘normal’ today might actually already be much hotter water than what we began in, and as we grow we will begin to see that the world has always been filled with awful things and that many of the awful people we see today might have used to be perfectly normal and decent in the past, and that it’s up to us to consider whether or not we can slow the rise of evil and destruction, and it may be a grim possibility that this is something we are unable to do, but we have to have hope that we can be agents of good in this world, and that there are others out there willing to do the same.”

[danhanswers]

Our (Probably Incorrect) Opinions on ASOUE Season 2

“I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.” - Lemony Snicket

To whom it may concern,

Please excuse me for not writing this in iambic pentameter as I promised in my previous correspondence. I attempted to craft a message to you in that manner but it’s surprisingly difficult to include the words Iambic and Pentameter in iambic pentameter in a hastily written post on a second generation iPod Nano.

The latest episode of the critically ignored podcast Unfortunate Associates has just dropped and I urge you to listen and compliment @twinpoetry and I on how incredibly insightful we are as my ego is dangerously uninflated as of late.

In this episode of the podcast, we talk about our general thoughts on A Series of Unfortunate Events season 2. Where the season was Victorious, where it Failed, and where it was downright Defenestrative.

Give it a listen and tune in later this week for our discussion of The Austere Academy Part 1 on Netflix.

With all due respect,

T

[danhanswers]

Question your Associates

To whom it may concern STOP

I regret to inform you that the Unfortunate Associates Podcast will return with new episodes later this week STOP @twinpoetry and I were very disturbed to find that listeners to the podcast eagerly await our return and so we must continue talking about the dreadfully morose Series of Unfortunate Events STOP

If you have any questions/comments/complaints concerning the Netflix episode titled The Austere Academy please submit them here or via email at FutureHorsePod@gmailSTOPcom STOP

We look forward to hearing from you because it means you are still alive or at the very least, the person or peoples imitating you are doing a damn fine job STOP

With all due reSTOP STOP STOP STOP

[danhanswers]

Write Your Associates

To whom it may concern,

I appreciate your patience in waiting for more Unfortunate Associates podcast discussions. One wonders if the distractions in the personal lives of my cohost and I are directly intended to delay the release of new episodes, but that's only one of many theories.

Another involves a pack of cannibalistic street thugs who call themselves “The Lachrymose Leeches” and yet another was proposed by a lepidopterist I once knew.

Despite all of this, we intend to record a new episode tomorrow (the evening of December the 4th) and would greatly appreciate any questions/comments you have about the podcast or the series as a whole for our Listener Correspondence segment.

The topic of this episode will be All The Wrong Questions: Shouldn’t You Be In School?

Grateful for your patience, as always.

With all due respect,

T

[danhanswers]

Mr. Poe meant well, but a jar of mustard probably also means well and would do a better job of keeping the Baudelaires out of danger

A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Austere Academy (via whales-are-gay)

I can’t read this now without thinking about @danhanswers and @twinpoetry in the unfortunate associated podcast

(via inthedarkinthepark)

I'll never look at a mustard jar (or a bumbling banker) the same way again.

[danhanswers]

A conversation with a Sassy Sophisticated Snicket Sleuth

In this episode of Unfortunate Associates, Tyler and B discuss the most popular and most ridiculous fan theories with Snicket Sleuth.

What’s in the Sugar Bowl? Is Klaus Baudelaire a time traveller? What’s the significance of Ellington Feint’s eyebrows?

All this and more on a brand new Unfortunate Associates podcast!

[danhanswers]

Sometimes, this is how I feel as a podcaster.

[danhanswers]

Interview with an Absolutely Astounding Artist

In this podcast interview, Tyler and B talk to ASOUE Illustrator Brett Helquist! We discuss how he created a visual style for the series, chose the designs for the characters, and what moments from the series were his favorites to draw.

You can find this interview and every other episode of Unfortunate Associates on Itunes or whichever podcatcher you prefer. 

[danhanswers]

After much forethought and planning, we’ve finally opened the Future Horse Podcasts merch store! There you can find tons of stuff (shirts, phone cases, pillows, etc) to support the Unfortunate Associates podcast and show off your fandom!

The Mr. Mustard T-shirt is a must have.

[danhanswers]

Interview with a Wonderfully Worthwhile Wordsmith

In this podcast interview, Tyler and B talk to author/screenwriter/producer Daniel Handler AKA Lemony Snicket! He speaks openly about writing A Series of Unfortunate Events, his feelings on the Jim Carrey film, and getting the new series produced at Netflix.

You can find this interview and every other episode of Unfortunate Associates on Itunes or whichever podcatcher you prefer.

[danhanswers]

Interview with a Mild Mannered Musician

Unfortunate Associates talk to the frontman of the Magnetic Fields, as well as the ASOUE themed band The Gothic Archies. He tells us about how he met Daniel Handler, got involved with A Series of Unfortunate Events, and talks about what other series he would love to adapt into music.

You can hear every episode of Unfortunate Associates on Itunes today.

[danhanswers]

Interview with a Hook Handed Human

Before you listen to our interview with Usman Ally, I must warn you: It is rife with charming anecdotes and a wonderfully approachable actor. Usman was a pure joy to talk to and I hope you enjoy this episode of Unfortunate Associates.

[danhanswers]

Interview with Two Terrible Twins

In our interview with Jacqueline and Joyce Robbins you’ll hear how they were cast as The White Faced Women in A Series of Unfortunate Events, their ideas on acting after working/teaching for 40 years, and hilarious stories of their time on set.

Why was there a jelly baby on set? What was it like working with Nicholas Cage on The Wicker Man? And who is that mysterious man outside my window dressed in a bear costume? All that and more on the newest episode of Unfortunate Associates!

@twinpoetry

[danhanswers]

Did Mr. Poe have a childhood?

This theory was introduced in our Reptile Room Part 2 Netflix Discussion

I’m sorry for the lateness of this correspondence, but I must confess it is with good reason. My last 2 weeks have been wrought with perilous ski trips, untalented acapella trios, and a very unfortunate haircut. I write this now in a cafe on the main drag of a small town in Western Washington where a waitress is eyeing me suspiciously. I once believed this to be a safe place, but now I’m not so sure.

Mr. Poe is a man who’s always been highly suspect in my eyes. His negligence borders on pure villainy at times and on the Unfortunate Associates Podcast I’ve accused him on many treacherous things, from being in cahoots with Count Olaf, to wanting the children to die so he can claim their fortunes, to being an anthropomorphized Mustard Jar (But these are all subjects for another time).

One thing that’s always stood out to me about Mr. Mustard Poe is the way he consistently and thoroughly ignored the Baudelaire children’s cries for help. Yes, this is a staple of the series and almost every adult does this at one point or another, but Mr. Poe’s complete and utter lack of understanding or sympathy for the Baudelaire’s situation makes me shake with rage. And this can be a very dangerous thing to do while attempting to win a life-or-death high stakes game of Operation or possibly Jenga.

It’s almost as if Mr. Poe is has no empathy for the children because he’s never experienced the things they have. In fact, I believe there are several pieces of evidence to support the claim that Arthur Poe doesn’t remember his childhood, or possibly never experienced one at all.

This interaction from The Reptile Room Part 2 (Netflix)

Count Olaf: Who am I? What am I doing?! Don’t you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?

Mr Poe: I never had one.

Count Olaf: An imagination or a childhood?

Mr. Poe: Coughs

This is a response that only Mr. Poe could give and it seems to be his copy-paste response any time someone asks him a question he doesn’t want to answer. What is Mr. Poe hiding? Is his signature cough even real, or is it a front?

This line of dialogue from The Austere Academy

“I know why you're all so quiet," Mr. Poe said. "It's because you're excited, and I don't blame you. I always wanted to go to boarding school when I was younger, but I never had the chance. I'm a little jealous of you, if you want to know the truth.”

Now I don’t know much about Arthur’s circumstances during his alleged childhood (A word which here means little proof of it ever existed) but I don’t see what would have kept him from attending a boarding school if that was what he wanted to do. You could claim that boarding schools are expensive but the Baudelaire’s supposedly go to Prufrock Preparatory school for free since they couldn’t spend money from the Baudelaire fortune to pay tuition.

Mr. Poe has a general misunderstanding of what the children are capable of.

Poe is constantly underestimating and overestimating Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire. At times he assumes they don’t know commonplace 3 syllable words while at other times he thinks a lumber mill is a suitable place for them to live and work. In the film, he even believes that Sunny was hiijacking Count Olaf’s car, rather than being locked inside while a train hurtled towards them. He doesn’t seem to have a firm grasp on what childhood is like at all.

In my opinion, there are three possible explanations

-Mr. Poe was born as a 35 year old man with the intelligence of a 35 year old man, but none of the experiences. He was immediately given a suit, a wife, and placed in the workforce as a banker. Three days later, he was assigned to supervise the Baudelaire’s case. Think Robin Williams in 1996′s Jack, but without the aging.

-Mr. Poe has amnesia. Possibly from being hit by a blunt-force object or maybe as a result of his illness. I’m still researching diseases that cause amnesia and a racking cough.

-Mr. Poe was kept in seclusion throughout his childhood. Maybe home-schooled from a broom closet or living on a secluded island somewhere. If this is the case, he had no friends and discovered a fondness for professionalism at a very young age.

In any case, I must leave this restaurant immediately as the the suspicious waitress has removed her wig and apron, revealing that she is in fact a harpsichordist that I’ve long presumed dead.Please us the information on this page in any way you see fit.

With all due respect,

T

[danhanswers]

@twinpoetry Still haven’t seen Gravity Falls but I definitely recognize that art style. Very cool.

Just some kids spending some time with a shady relative and experiencing some weird stuff.  

[danhanswers]

What is Uncle Monty hiding?

This theory was introduced in our Reptile Room Part 1 Netflix Discussion, which can be found at futurehorsepod.com/reptile1

When asked who their favorite Baudelaire guardian is, I would say 80% of A Series of Unfortunate Events fans would jump to Montgomery Montgomery, world renowned herpetologist and the Baudelaires late father's cousin's wife's brother.

Uncle Monty was a kind guardian to the Baudelaires. He valued knowledge and understanding much more than most adults in the series, he allowed the children to use their skills to help him with his research, and he was overall a rather suitable guardian for Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire.

But something about him seems very suspicious to me and I believe that things are not as they appear when it comes to Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

Considering the Netflix original series rather than the books (as the show is fresher in my mind) Monty knows that Stephano is a nefarious person from jump street (a phrase which here means immediately and without much contemplation) and yet, he refuses to call the authorities.

He tells the Baudelaires that the Herpetological Society has spies every and they’re desperate to discover his secrets, like the Incredibly Deadly Viper. We, the viewer, believe that the Herpetological Society taking Monty’s reptiles is a bad thing because we’re experiencing the story from the perspective of the Baudelaires. But looking at the situation objectively, Monty seems entirely suspicious.

1: Montgomery does receive a paycheck from the herpetological society. How else would he be able to afford his beautiful home on Lousy Lane, daily trips to the movies, and spontaneous trips to Peru? So he must be doing something for the Society that warrants a paycheck, yet he refuses to allow them to oversee his research.

2: Montgomery knows that Stephano is a villainous person who’s intention is to hurt or kill him and the Baudelaires. This is a man who chased 3 children up the stairs with a knife and dropped a lamp on your head to kill you, yet calling the police is still the worst outcome.

Q: What could Monty be hiding?

A: Hyper-intelligent reptiles!

Think about it. In this series, we meet a collection of bizarre creatures. The Virginian Wolfsnake who you must never, under any circumstances, allow near a typewriter. Two Snakes who can drive a car. Three animals who can even talk! (The Broken Hearted Crocodile, The Dissonant Toad, and The Tibetan Third Eye Toad)

When reading the books, we chalk this up (A phrase which here means attribute) to the odd eccentricities of A Series of Unfortunate Events, but the things that we see in The Reptile Room are disconcerting, to say the least.

Maybe Montgomery Montgomery loved reptiles a little too much. Maybe even more than the human race. Maybe he was creating a race of super-snakes that he would use to overthrow the world government and allow his creatures to rule with an iron tail.

With this new information, I believe that the Herpetological Society had good intentions all along. Monty is a radical scientist (and by that, I do not mean that he liked to skateboard and eat pizza bagels, but that he had very strange and dangerous ideas) and with the help of the Baudelaires, who knows what he could have accomplished?

I must go now, as the man with the shark-like features has been sniffing around outside my door for several hours and I fear he may have finally picked up my scent. Please us the information on this page in any way you see fit.

With all due respect,

T

[danhanswers]

I hope this letter finds you well

As I write this first blog post, from the relative safety of a giant carton of salted caramel ice cream, I can only hope that the goons charged with tracking me down don’t suddenly develop a taste for something sweet and savory. As today is rather cold anyway, I doubt that should pose much of a problem.

If you are who I think you are, I’m relieved that you’ve found this page and I hope it helps you in your quest to aid the Baudelaires. If you are not who I think you are, then I hope you are a small child or perhaps just a very dimwitted person, rather than a nefarious person who will use the information and theories on this page to cause harm to the Baudelaires, who I doubt have done anything to deserve such behavior. Please us the information on this page in any way you see fit.

With all due respect,

T