dawalqamr

[dawalqamr]

I don't wanna try

What if I fail

But what if you win?

Well what then? I was supposed to win anyways

Everyone said I could win

Everyone knows I would win

So I don't try

What if I fail

I would never enjoy a win anyways

I would just maybe breathe out all the air I was holding in, in case I failed

Schrodinger's Failure, I call it fondly

My failure is both present and absent in the box

If I open it, I may have to face my failure.

If I open it, I may not have to face my failure

That is why I never open the box

I never try

What if I fail

[dawalqamr]

Being Orpheus is looking back to see the face of the love you couldn’t leave behind.

Being Eurydice is knowing that he will turn before the journey ends.

Being Orpheus is looking back not out of doubt, but because love demands one last glimpse.

Being Eurydice is crying not because he turned, but because you were loved enough for him to.

Being Orpheus is proving love in the very act that dooms it.

Being Eurydice is walking behind, holding onto what might be the last moments of seeing him.

You wouldn’t be Orpheus if you didn’t turn.

You wouldn’t be Eurydice if you didn’t know that his turning was love itself.

[dawalqamr]

Stationary shops working in the remotest corners of the cities take you back to the days of past. The student days. The assignment days. The 'good ol' days.

The air in there seems to have been trapped through witchcraft, perfectly preserving that small chunk of the world, unchanged.

The same whir of the same copier machines. The same chaotic piles of compass boxes and colour chart papers and sticky notes and crayons.

Sometimes I use it as a portal, go in there and breathe in the lost world.

[dawalqamr]

Often I go down rabbit holes. I come across something that catches my fancy and then off I go. Researching and finding out the most obscure factoids. I could debate with the ardent scholars on every angle of that particular topic. But. But only within the next 36-48 hours. Once that period passes, with every hour I keep forgetting little by little of everything that had consumed me before.

Where I could have bested the maestros on that topic before, now I just fumble and stumble over words and references that seem half thought out and half baked.

It feels wrong. It feels unjustified. It feels bad.

[dawalqamr]

Do you know what makes my life miserable as a reader (and being blessed with a bunch of super amazing nerdy geeky bookworm friends)? It's interacting with non-readers! Especially the brand new people I come across and meet in my personal and professional life!

How does one understand non-readers? Like, what makes them tick?

You can always understand a reader by their current favourite genre. Ohh he's a fiction guy. Oh she's a fantasy girl. Oh he's a poetry guy. Oh they're a biography person. See, it's so easy! All of these just make sense to a reader.

But how do you understand a person who doesn't read?! What do you speak about when you meet with them? The weather?? The traffic?! Aarghhh!

[dawalqamr]

Reading Beartown & Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.. and the best things about them are the portrayal of everyone in the story..

Nobody's a hero.. nobody's perfect.. everyone has a good and bad side.. a right and a wrong side.. just like humans in real..

Sometimes, when I'm pissed at people in my life, some of whom I love to bits, I get scared.. Why do I get so frustrated with them. Why do I feel like ranting and venting out about them to someone else who is close to me.. Why do I want to angrily shout about how frustrated I am with my boyfriend to my roommate, with my roommate to my sister, and with my sister to my boyfriend?!

Do I not love them wholly? Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Do they all secretly hate me? I mean, why would anyone like me anyways?!

But these books put me at ease, atleast a tiny bit.. the effects may wear off after a week or so perhaps.. but in that tiny blip of time, I'm just a little relieved that I am not alone.. that no one is perfect. That everyone is how they are based on the lives they've lived. That I don't need to always like them, just so that they know that I will always love them..

[dawalqamr]

Whenever someone asks me, 'What is your dream?', I panic and fumble and stutter and then maybe answer with some lame-ass but funny take.. and that's that..

Because accepting the truth out in open is way more difficult for me.

I mean, how do I even say that all I ever dream of is being a writer worthy enough that someone somewhere wants to take my (their) book to a cafe so they can read it with all the love it deserves.

Because that's what I do with the books I love. And I would probably break into a million pieces if that ever happened with my book.

But what if I'm not good enough? Even worse, what if I'm just a mediocre writer?! The horror!

Which is also why I never write! You don't fail if you don't try, amiright 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

[dawalqamr]

So, I wanted to go for a book club session today. But there was an hour's gap between the session and my office day ending.

Then a friend visits from out of state and asks me to join him for dinner and movie post work.

I tell him I can meet him only after 10.30 pm, as I have a workshop to attend (aka the book club meeting).

I plan on doing it all today.

Finish work at around 7.20 pm. Wait somewhere for an hour. Then attend the book discussion. Then go meet the said friend for movie.

Then I think, hey there's another option as well.

I could do any ONE of them. I could tell friend that I can't make it for the movie. Workshop got too late. That way I could shaanti se go for the book club.

Or. I could go home with carpool. Ditch the book session (which is on politics, so, probable bullet dodge) and then meet friend a little earlier for dinner and movie.

And guess what I end up doing?!

Ditched both the bookclub AND the friend. Got home, made myself a cup of mocha, watched kdrama (marry my husband, on Amazon prime) and dozed off somewhere around midnight.

What a trip!

[dawalqamr]

I strongly believe that most of the world is run by strictly mediocre people.

The dumb are not smart. And the smart are constantly questioning themselves, unable to believe that THEY are the cream crop. They must surely be dumb then.

So who thrives in this situation? The mediocre. The ones who are not smart enough to realise how dumb they are, and hence so dumb that they believe themselves to be actually smart.

I always envy them.

[dawalqamr]

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly gloomy, I do this thing where I trick my brain into believing that this is my second life in the same body and world.. Like, I lived my entire life, died, and after that I sort of missed the mundane of my lived life.. So then my brain very cooperatively starts shooting dopamine hits, coz it thinks that I'm enjoying the experience of just sitting around on a comfy chair out in the balcony at 3 am, sipping my hot mocha and staring at the moonless sky above and the lit empty streets below..

I mean, I AM enjoying this experience, but I need to trick my brain into actually believing that I am.. Confused? Welcome to my life..