deadinside8

[deadinside8]

Won’t I ever be enough? Will I always be doomed to be an “almost”? Haven’t I given enough? I was once told that you collect what you sow. But when will I get all that I give? Unless that at my core I just project bad things even though it’s not my intention.

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Sometimes I wonder if I am no better than the ones who put me in this earth. If they did do their best and I put to much on them. I wonder if I would end up like them. Not enough but better than what I had. I wonder if I’m not more like them than I would like to think. That the apple does indeed fall close to the tree. That despite everything I am their child. Was I doomed from the start? Won’t I ever be enough? Did they once felt like I do, deep down buried inside their youth?

[deadinside8]

every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

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Andrew Minyard being a comedian/sarcastic piece of shit/bastard for 3 books straight:

- “Congratulations are in order, I suppose! Since I have none to give, I will tell the others to respond appropriately.”

- “You are not very bright. Typical of a jock.”

- “How many knives do you carry?” “Enough.”

- “A liar who practices occasional honesty. Clever. Keeps people guessing. Very effective. I would know. I do it myself, you see.”

- “Is your spine the spine of the righteous? Are you trying your best to step on my toes because you’re feeling the tragic weight of the holier than thou?”

- “Hey Pinocchio, time to run. This one’s for you.”

-“Tick tock, says the clock. Get out of my room.”

- “It wasn’t me. Ask my doppelgänger?”

- “You have Joan of Exy over there. Make do without me”

-Wymack looked at Andrew. Andrew looked over his shoulder as if checking for a third goalkeeper.

-Andrew was systematically tugging clothes off their hangers and dropping them on the floor.

- “You have this way of making people want to kill you”

- “Who am I supposed to call?” “Nicky, Coach, the suicide hotline, I don’t care”

- “You could occasionally grow a spine”

- “Hey Jean. Jean Valjean. Hey. Hey. Hello”

- He slug a stripped inmate’s outfit over one shoulder and detoured past Neil on his way to the front of the store.

- “I’m not in trouble. Oh captain, my captain.”

- “Don’t make me hurt you. I don’t want blood in my ice cream.”

- “Neil, you wouldn’t know what to do with a god-fearing minister. You can barely stand to be around Renee. There’s no way you could last a sit-down with Luther. He’d end up exorcising you when you snapped.”

- “A tear for your discomfort” Andrew said, completely unsympathetic. 

- “Is your learning curve a horizontal line?”

- “What about Abby?” “You can’t bandage a zombie and she wouldn’t let us execute the infected”

- Andrew refused on the grounds he wouldn’t wish you on anyone except a mortician.

- “What are you doing with a Maserati?” “Driving it”

- “The only trick is figuring out how to pry Kevin away from the court” “I have knives,” Andrew reminded him.

[deadinside8]

nathaniel, neil, nathaniel, neil. andrew flips the two names around in his head like tossing a coin. heads or tails, the coin always comes up abram. nathaniel and neil are two sides of the same coin; forged in a dark basement, in musty hotel rooms, on the exy court. both hate sweets, love to run, to talk back any chance they get.

some days, the coin lands on nathaniel. jack makes one too many comments at practice and neil - no, nathaniel - has him on the ground, raquet to his neck in an instant. he can't hear what the strikers are saying but through the grate of the helment, andrew sees nathaniel's smile.

others, it lands on neil. andrew finds neil and matt splayed out on the couch, three movies deep into a "pop culture lesson". neil motions for andrew to sit and absently cards his fingers through the blond's hair. matt hides his grin in his sleeve.

but abram; he runs to andrew after each winning game to tap sticks, he sits each friday in columbia, talking about escape routes for an alien invasion, he keeps ice cream in the freezer and cigarettes in his backpocket.

heads or tails, doe or minyard, doe or minyard.

doe was made and unmade in california. 13 homes, 13 film reels constantly playing in the back of his mind, each scene driving the cuts deeper and deeper. andrew doe learns the danger of wanting and vows to keep everyone out.

minyard went to juvie for his brother. he crashed the car to keep him safe. he spent years on medication that sent him up up up to protect his cousin. minyard guards himself with knives sharper than his glare; he protects those that are his and fuck anyone else.

heads or tails, the coin starts to come up drew.

it starts small; quick grins in columbia at neil; shared dinners with aaron that don't end in a fight; something like excitment in his stomach before an exy game. when neil is hanging out with the upperclassman, he stays.

heads or tails; the coin lands on growth

[deadinside8]

quotes that keep me alive

"all the people are fake, they're made out of metal. But I like you, and that is not fake" -young royals

"I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world." -song of achilles

"No one ever says goodbye unless they want to see you again." -turtles all the way down

"I want to be with you. If we have to keep it a secret then... So be it, if thats the only way... But no more secrets between us. I love you" -young royals

"Why does the word 'love' from you hurt me so damn much?" -Only Friends

"I've always thought Ray was my 25th hour, my extra hour. But the truth is, everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. And within Ray's 24 hours, I'm not part of it. I'm not that special." -Only Friends

"If I'm gone, I won't be anyone's burden anymore, right?" -Only Friends

"You were wearing corduroy, acting like a poster boy" -poster boy by Lyn Lapid

"I would recognize you in total darkness, were you mute and I deaf. I would recognize you in another lifetime entirely, in different bodies, different times. And I would love you in all of this, until the very last star in the sky burnt out into oblivion" -song of achilles

"Tell me every terrible thing that you ever did, and let me love you anyway" -edgar allan poe

"The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you... I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... What can I do? I will do anything that you ask." -anakin skywalker

"If changin' my clothes would make you like me more, if changing my hair would make you care, then I'd grab the kitchen scissors and cut myself to slivers" -jigsaw by conan gray

"'Sorry' doesn't make up for everything you did to me." -heartstopper

"You were my brother Anakin. I loved you." -revenge of the sith

"The truth is what I make it. I could set the world on fire, and call it rain." -red queen

" But isn't it also that on some fundamental level we find it difficult to understand that other people are human beings in the same way that we are? We idolize them as gods or dismiss them as animals." -paper towns

"And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like 'I love you'" -somethin' stupid by frank sinatra

"Tell me it isn't true. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm blind. Tell me you love me. " -shatter me

"I do want to be your friend. I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend." -shatter me

"The truth is a painful reminder of why I prefer to live among the lies" -shatter me

"'Don't ask me questions you already know the answers to. Twice I've laid myself bare for you and all it's gotten me was a bullet wound and a broken heart. Don't torture me,' He says, meeting my eyes again. 'It's a cruel thing to do, even to someone like me.'" -shatter me

"Everything's a game, Avery Grambs. The only thing we get to decide in this life is if we play to win." -inheritance games

"The world was collapsing, and the only thing that really mattered to me was that she was alive." -the last olympian "You think I didn't fight the same fight? I halfway convinced myself that as long as Avery was just a riddle or a puzzle, as long as I was just playing, I'd be fine. Well, joke's on me, because somewhere along the way, I stopped playing." -the Hawthorne legacy

"When you're ready, if you're ever ready, if it's going to be me - just flip that disk. Heads, I kiss you." His voice broke slightly. "Tails, you kiss me. And either way, it means something." -the Hawthorne legacy

"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here" -william shakespeare

"But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all" -10 things I hate about you

"It's just like the novels, side characters end up alone" -footnote by conan gray

"You made us past tense," I said, my voice cracking, "not me." -betting on you

"Because when they write the history of my life, I want it to include you" -red white and royal blue

"My life is the crown, and yours is just politics, and I will not trade one prison for another" -red white and royal blue

"Or maybe it was when I realized the bruises on your neck were fingerprints and wanted to kill them all over again just so I could do it slowly. Maybe it was the first time I recklessly kissed you or when I realized I'm fucked because I can't stop thinking about doing more than just kissing you. Does it even matter when, as long as it changed between us?" -fourth wing

"Oh darling all of the cities lights, never shined as bright as your eyes" -car's outside by james arthur

"I would rather lose this entire war than live without you, and if that means I have to prove myself over and over again, then I'll do it. You gave me your heart and I'm keeping it." -iron flame

"Because pain in the body quiets the pain in your head. It feels good - like a kill switch for your brain" -kill switch

"Then take your punishment like the pathetic creature that you are" -cruel prince

"Most of all, I hate you because I think of you. Often. It's disgusting, and I can't stop." -cruel prince

"If you're the sickness, I suppose you can't also be the cure." -the wicked king

"I hate you. I hate you so much that sometimes I can't think of anything else." -the wicked king

"Yes, my sweet villain, my darling god. I will be as sober as a stone carving, just as soon as I can." -the wicked king

"She is my wife," Cardan says, his voice carrying over the crowd. "The rightful High Queen of Elfhame. And most definitely not in exile." -the queen of nothing

"By you, I am forever undone." -the queen of nothing

"Come home and shout at me. Come home and fight with me. Come home and break my heart, if you just. Just come home." -the queen of nothing

"I wasted all those yesterdays and am completely out of tomorrows" -they both die at the end

"For what it's worth, I doubt I will ever like anyone else in the world as much as I like you." -book lovers

"I'd never thought about my favorite color before. It never seemed important. Not until I looked into a pair of ocean-blue eyes and realized that perhaps drowning was a beautiful thing" -powerless

<3

if you've made it to the end good god please get some sleep

[deadinside8]

"Name one hero who was happy"

"I can't"

[deadinside8]

I need neil josten to chew somebody out again like he did with riko so vehemently, no mercy to be found, he was locked and loaded within seconds. He took one look at riko and decided to ruin his ENTIRE LIFE without hesitation. I miss it. The antagonism of it all. Neil "I have a bit of an attitude problem" Josten was not only there to play stupid games, he was there to win those stupid prizes. And he sure won those stupid prizes and more.

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The disabled feeling where you're in pain but you don't want people around you to fuss over you so you just try to live through the pain until medicine kicks in (if it kicks in), meanwhile tears involuntarily fall down your cheeks.

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The very strange disabled experience of constantly downplaying your own pain and then out of nowhere you have an Epiphany and realize that most people don't have days where they wake up feeling like a deboned fish.

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Katelyn and Neil are the only people that can differentiate the twins when they're wearing big hoodies (that cover slight differences in their muscles and cover Andrew's armbands). This is because they think the twin they're not dating is ugly, even tough the Twinyards have the same face. It's like a 6th sense.

(It's probably something in their eyes - Katelyn likes the underlying soft sadboy-ness in Aaron, while Neil is drawn to the calculating edge and protectiveness in Andrew)

[deadinside8]

the andreil brainrot will never end because they own my entire heart so here's more fanart🤧

[deadinside8]

Roach headcanons because he’s actually my favorite

Has an obnoxiously bright pink flip phone that is his main phone

He has the entirety of DOOM on said flip phone and plays it constantly. How? Nobody knows

Drinks out of puddles

May be silent but is super chaotic and sassy

Will talk around people he feels safe with, including Soap, Gaz, and Ghost

Takes photos of Ghost like he’s a cryptid

Constantly begs for cuddles from Ghost or Gaz, just because

Will randomly go up to privates and tell them something cryptic and then say “no one will ever believe you”

LIVES for drama. If there’s tea, he’s the first to know

Loves bugs and will collect them

Has adhd and autism

Fell out of a tree as a kid and has a scar from that. It’s his favorite scar

lives off 2010 white girl music

Drives scarily good

Adores twinkies

Has the best music taste and is always on aux

Can’t dance for shit

[deadinside8]

I’d love to hear other peoples’ thoughts on this, but hear me out…

Soap is lowkey way scarier than Ghost

He’s not usually scary because he doesn’t try to be. Soap is very charming and boisterous and has a great sense of humor.

But I saw someone point out how Soap’s eyes are just on the side of too blue if he wants them to be. Too intent. Have you seen the way he looks at graves? Have you seen the way his ADHD ass focuses with that wide-eyed, predator-like intensity?

Soap isn’t a bad guy, he wants to fight for what’s right. But he likes the fight. He has fun. I sincerely believe this man has a very well-hidden and controlled sadistic side.

He’s a demolitions expert. He’s incredibly smart and incredibly destructive. I feel like people headcanon him as being the most effeminate or happy-go-lucky of the 141, which he very well may be! But I also think he is the most batshit insane and quite possibly the last person I’d want to cross.

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Me: I'm so exhausted and drained from my chronic pain that I'll sleep well tonight

My body:

[deadinside8]

Maybe im faking all of it, maybe none of this is real. Am I real? Am I a person? I don’t think I am anymore. Do I still breathe, sleep, eat, drink, bleed? Am I still human anymore? Is my blood still red or is it some other color? Does it still taste of iron or will I taste another metal instead? What am I if not human? Am I anything at all?