dearyoungprofessionals-blog - Tumblr blog

[dearyoungprofessionals-blog]

A Mac & Cheese Pickle

Dear Young Professionals, First off, just wanted to say: long time reader, first time submitter. I love what you guys bring to the table, and me and the boys really appreciate the insights! Anyway, I'm in a real bind here. Just a few months ago, my common law wife of 55 years and I decided to go in together on an investment. We purchased outright a local restaurant that exclusively serves plain bowls of macaroni & cheese. For years, this was one of the most popular spots in town. The idea of the restaurant was, “Our macaroni & cheese bowls are so good, they don't need any additional toppings.” In fact, that was their slogan, and it has been sewn onto every napkin, printed onto every plastic cup, and plastered across the walls (in the style of the alphabet in an elementary school classroom). However, in this modern era, we feel that a diversified portfolio is key. We must add a variety of toppings for the macaroni & cheese bowls. We know that young professionals such as yourselves would agree, and we are moving forward on the implicit assumption that it's the right call. Our only problem is this: if we were to purchase an initial stock of various meat and vegetable toppings, it would no longer be in our budget to replace the napkins and cups, nor would we be able to paint over the slogans on the wall. What are aspiring restaurateurs to do? If we don't update the obsolete menu, we will surely go out of business. But if we purchase the new toppings, our omnipresent former slogan will make us look like hypocrites. Young Professionals, could you PLEASE help us out? 

Cheesed Off in Chesterfield

_________________ Dear Cheesed, When caught in a pickle like you seem to be. It's almost never productive to vacillate between your options. Doing so only results in heightened anxiety over picking the right one. As such, I implore you to take a step back and look at your situation free from constraints. You seem to operate under the assumption that diversification MUST come from NEW toppings. So let me ask you this. Do you really need some smelly meat all over your mac and cheese to add variety to the dish? Will adding some stupid fucking spinach really make your meal more appealing? What if you diversified your mac & cheese with - wait for it - mac OR cheese? Before you start overthinking it, let me present a quote from one of my idols, Steve Jobs. When asked what made Apple products different from the competition, he answered with this: "Simplicity, simplicity is key. Just do the same thing over and over again with tiny variations and people will gobble it up as long as you act cool about it. Eventually, your brand will get so cool that it will transcend the product entirely and people will literally eat watery shit as long as it's served from your gilded hand." Rest in peace, Steve So here's what I'm saying, split your menu into two items. First, you'll have your Mac, a carb-rich dish to provide just enough sustenance to function. On the other side you'll also have your Cheese, a big fat bowl of protein that will prepare you for a workout and also satisfy your gluttonous needs. Doing this not only adds variety to the restaurant, but also allows you to keep your entirely too-specific branding. Even better, you can tell everyone that you were planning this all along. "Look at the napkins, it was right in front of you the whole time." Now hype is important here. Generate lots of buzz for your new mystery dish. Take adds out in the local newspaper that just say "SOON" with the name of your restaurant in tiny text at the bottom. Invite local food critics to the restaurant, get them black-out drunk, and tell them that you have this genius idea and act really excited about it so that when they wake up the next day, they'll remember 'genius' and 'excitement' but nothing else. Buy a black turtleneck and some specs and throw an exclusive press event for the unveiling of your new dishes. Before the unveiling, give a speech about perfection and how humans have been seeking it for hundreds of years. At the climax of the speech, lift the curtains to display two bowls: Mac. And. Cheese. The rest should take care of itself, once genius is set in motion, it's almost impossible to stop. Best of luck to you, Cheesed -James Yoshida, professional P.S. Make sure to plant some hip looking people in the event. If someone starts to doubt the core premise, have the hipsters give them dirty looks and scornfully judge them so that the critic will feel like they "just don't get it" and be too self-conscious to speak up.

[dearyoungprofessionals-blog]

Dear Young Professionals, Recently my son has developed a has found a new hobby that he enjoys quite a lot: Freestyle rapping. Before I continue, I should say that he’s always been a very kindhearted, sweet kid; but he is also a bit of an introvert and has trouble making friends. I sometimes worry that his shy nature will cause him to be socially maladjusted as an adult, and as a result he will find it tough to succeed both professionally and socially later in life. His newfound hobby has really gotten him out of his comfort zone, he’s going to local rap-meetups, challenging other rappers (in friendly competition) and making new friends. It seems like he’s making a lot of progress towards his social skills and I am very happy for him. I should also say that I’m not worried about him becoming a ‘gangster’ or anything like that. The local rap community has been very supportive and open-minded thus far, it seems like a good place for him to be. So what’s the big deal? Well, the thing is, all of his raps have homosexual overtones. I’ve overheard him practicing in his bedroom and his lyrics are quite direct about it. Let me first say that I don’t have a problem with homosexuality at all. I’ve talked to him multiple times about it, telling him that I would completely support him whether he is gay or straight or bi or whatever, and that his sexuality has nothing to do with how much I love him; but everytime I talk to him he insists that he is straight, and that he only raps about being gay because 'it flows better’ in his head when he’s freestyling. I’m having trouble believing him because of how pervasive it is in his freestyles : ’[Explicit]… laugh when I blast you with my 12 gauge stick’, you can guess what rhymes with 'stick’. I don’t want to push the subject too much, it’s very well possible that once he becomes more skilled of a rapper he’ll rap about a broader range of subjects, but I don’t want him to repress his sexuality at all. How do I approach my son about his possible homosexuality w/out being too pushy?

Sincerely,

Worldstar Mom _________________ Dear Worldstar Mom,

First off, let me commend you for giving your son the space to explore his sexuality, and also for not assigning a pejorative element to the hip-hop community.

To the main thrust of your letter:

Hip Hop’s lyrical content has frequently come under criticism. In response, MCs claim that they are simply telling the story of their reality. Since your son insists that he is straight, the homosexual themes in his music must have external origins, likely originating in the home environment. This begs the question: are you yourself homosexual? I suspected this might be the case, so I did a little digging.

When I reorganized the contents of your letter at my discretion, turned a ‘y’ into a semicolon, and added the word ‘Xerox,’ I noticed that the first word of each line read top to bottom spells out, “I am a homosexual mom; the question about my son is a smokescreen. I want to be out. Help me.”

If your latent homosexuality is that obviously telegraphed to me, Worldstar Mom, then your son surely knows. Fortunately, he seems to be fully accepting; it appears that by rapping about homosexuality, your son is giving you an invitation to come out. His positive descriptions of homosexuality - as a vector for his creativity, and something about which he is unashamed - are bread crumbs that he hopes will lead you to a self-accepting space.

Most of us grapple with our sexuality during adolescence. If your sexual orientation was not explored during your own, your son’s adolescence can be a second chance. In fact, millions of teens are undergoing adolescence at any given moment. If adolescence is a requisite condition for sexual awakening, you can awaken at any moment in your life, as you experience total overlap with adolescence happening around the globe, So why not come to terms with your sexual orientation now; it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right?

Best of luck on your journey, Worldstar Mom. If your son writes a rap about this stage of your self discovery, tell him to give a shout out to your favorite young professionals! Regards, Tymon

[dearyoungprofessionals-blog]

Theater-Hop Blues

Dear Young Professionals,

This weekend I went to the movies to see "xXx: Return of Xander Cage." When ordering my ticket, I asked for "One ticket to 'xXx,'" assuming that a reasonable abbreviation would save time for both the teller and myself without compromising my intent. When the movie began, however, I was dismayed to realize that in omitting "Return of Xander Cage" from my ticket order, I had unwittingly purchased a ticket to a screening of the original "xXx" (2002). You can imagine my humiliation as, instead of discovering what had happened to Xander Cage since the first installment, I sat through 132 minutes of Xander Cage activities with which I was already familiar. It was with no small amount of bitterness that I walked out of the theater. But who could I blame? This was, after all, what I asked for. While I accept responsibility, I still do not know what happened in XXXROXC, nor do I have the means to discover it. My name is mud at the movie theater, and I do not know of any other avenues through which I could find this information. I am at my wits' end -- please help! 

Embarrassed in Englewood

_________________

Dear Embarrassed,

That's quite the predicament you've found yourself in! It's no wonder that you're “Embarrassed” about it!

“In Englewood!”

Okay, let's get serious. For me to answer your question, I must first ask a question of my own: what is the plot line of xXx. I haven't seen it yet, and some of my friends have chosen its sequel for our weekly movie outing this Saturday. (Please submit the plotline of xXx as an additional question before reading onward.)

Now that that is presumably settled, your path seems clear to me. Yes, the movie ticket teller was out of line in not clarifying which triple-X film you intended to see. It's a little-known fact that Vin Diesel also starred in the porn parody version of xXx (titled simply, “It's Porn In This One”), and there is likely also a children's version of the film that he stars in as well (probably entitled “xXx: Sweet Baby Xandies”). Within this multiverse of xXx options, it's no wonder that you were left feeling “confounded at the cinema.”

Now here comes the solution, which will seem obvious in retrospect. You need to dress up as a mailman and claim that you have a special delivery for the Popcorn Man, who works inside a secret, special office at the very back of the movie theater. It's possible that the ticket teller will recognize your visage, but that's okay. There is no law that states that you specifically aren't a postman. Why would you have cared whether he recognized you, anyway?

Simply tell the nosy (or entirely unremarkable) teller that the very important and impatient Popcorn Man will not be pleased if his special delivery of shimmering new kernels arrives even a moment after the strike of noon (I recommend the matinee showing). Show the gentleman your credentials (you'll need to hire a professional, yet discreet forger), and within twenty minutes I would wager that you will find yourself safely within the confines of the cavernous lobby. Confidently strut toward the back of the theater, and then at the very last moment, divert your path into the next showing of xXx: Return of Xander Cage.

Voila! I believe you know what to do next. Kick back, enjoy the show, and don't forget to enjoy the “popcorn, man!"

- Robert Louis Scribner, professional