decks-writing-blog

[decks-writing-blog]

Couldn't Hurt, Could It?

Summary: Auri finds a way through Dark Bramble's maze to another solar system. They allow themself a quick explore of one planet, the ocean planet. Ryley makes a new friend.

[A/N] For my first Outer Wilds Subnautica crossover fic I had Auri coming in post game for Subnautica after the Quarantine Enforcement Platform was deactivated so they could come back and share their find. But then I got to thinking about what would happen if that wasn't the case and decided there was no reason I couldn't explore that idea too. So here it is.

~

Exploring Dark Bramble had become almost mundane. The necessity of being as quiet as possible and checking every light from a distance with the Scout made for extremely slow going. It grated at times but death and/or damage to the ship wouldn’t be undone by the loop resetting which meant there was no room for taking risks no matter how bored or impatient Auri grew. They’d had enough unpleasant encounters with the Anglers during the loops that the temptation to give into those feelings remained easy to resist. Which was what made them the ideal person for this mission.

The jaunty campfire tune coming from the tape recorder behind them juxtaposed oddly against the roiling fog through the cockpit window. That was how Auri liked it. They would need more music soon though. Already they’d listened to their current three tapes more times than they cared to think about. Or maybe when they returned to Timber Hearth this time, they’d request a different form of audio entertainment. Radio dramas were meant to be listened to live while sitting around a campfire roasting marshmallows with friends – a technological extension of the usual campfire stories – but plenty of folk liked the recorded ones too. Though an argument could be made that something like that might be too distracting for their current work. So maybe they should stick to just music.

Now wasn’t the time to think about it. Their Scout was nearing the light they’d fired it at and… it was a Seed, one big enough for the ship to go through too. Finally! Setting their full attention onto it, they continued advancing through more photos. By sheer luck the angle of its flight would have it sailing straight through one of the node’s openings. A huge time saver if the other side proved to have Anglers right on the other side. Which would be disappointing regardless but after having flown over there, it would’ve been far more so.

Upon reaching the opening, Auri gave it a few seconds, waiting for it to pass through the zone that was always just blank fog before hitting the photo button again. … Stars now filled the screen. A whole bunch of them as had become the normal since the universe that been renewed at the Eye. They’d found an exit.

It could just be Outer Wilds again. They’d found multiple seeds that led back out the way they’d come in or through one of Dark Bramble’s other openings. So they shouldn’t and wouldn’t get their hopes up too high yet but it might be what they’d been looking for. They took more photos but there was nothing to see but stars, implying that if it was Outer Wilds the Scout had come out the side facing away from the rest of the system. That would be just their luck, huh? But well, a chance to head back to Timber Hearth to refuel, restock, and get more stuff to listen to wouldn’t be the worst outcome either.

They recalled the Scout before sending that screen back up to the corner. Setting their gaze on the light, they gently got the ship moving towards it. Resisting the temptation to rush was always hardest when they’d found an exit or anything else interesting but they were a professional, they could handle it. They took things slow, mostly drifting lest they draw the attention of the two Anglers they’d found in this chamber earlier.

Upon finally reaching the Seed, it loomed in front of them. It was the biggest Seed they’d run into so far other than Dark Bramble itself. If its size held any significance they couldn’t begin to guess what it might be. It made lining up with its opening that little bit easier though which was nice.

The fog thickened until it looked almost solid as they went through. It rapidly cleared on the other side, revealing a tapestry of countless stars laid out before them.

Auri turned the ship around to face the planet. If it wasn’t Dark Bramble, it looked just like it. Maybe it was bigger though? That might just be wishful thinking. Scale wasn’t exactly easy to judge accurately in space.

Full throttle ‘upwards’ soon had them cresting over the planet, allowing them a view of the rest of the solar system. … It wasn’t Outer Wilds. The sun was about the same size but the planet closest to it was too big and from out here, there looked to be only one. Several other planets were visible too. Too far to see much of but none of them looked right either. Dark Bramble was the only one that was the same but it wasn’t Dark Bramble at all but another, different planet that had been taken over the same way the planet that had once been in Outer Wilds’ furthest orbit had been.

To make extra, super sure, Auri pulled down the screen that should show the map from the satellite. ‘No signal’ it read. Meaning, because they were firmly out of Dark Bramble and out in the open, the satellite could only be out of range.

Auri had done it! They’d found another portal to another part of the universe! Whether it was the same one they’d found with the Scout was hard to know for sure but probably not. That seed might’ve come from this planet and be on one of the alien planets laid out before them but what were the chances of that? Probably pretty low. Regardless, their mission was a success. They’d proven their theory correct and had circumvented the void around Outer Wilds in the process.

They needed to tell someone! Or not just someone but everyone. More than that though they needed to explore! The first new and exciting thing since the Eye!

Gripping the controls they… didn’t blast off towards the inner system but instead ground their teeth together. First, they needed to log their path on the ship’s computer. Taking a deep breath, they locked onto the Dark Bramble replica and matched their momentum to it. Hands shaking, they unbuckled and got up to head to the rear.

Keeping track of Dark Bramble’s maze wasn’t easy but they’d coded a system for it and thus inputting the rest of the new path they’d taken this time was easy. They still took their time with it though; if they messed up they might lose the path to this place and that would be not only embarrassing but also immensely frustrating. Once done, they set to double checking their stores and systems.

Because of how much of traversing through Dark Bramble’s maze was just drifting,their fuel stores were still looking good despite how long they’d been out for. They were low on food though. Not a serious problem yet but it wasn’t far from becoming one, especially with how long it would take to return to Timber Hearth even if it would be faster on the return trip.

They were supposed to go back once they found a new system. That had been the grounds on which Hornfels had agreed to let them go on this mission; if they found what they were looking for they were to return immediately so a proper exploration mission could be put together. It was a sound strategy. Exploring a whole solar system alone would be hard and yeah, probably dangerous too. Without the loops, Auri couldn’t afford to be as reckless as they’d been when exploring Outer Wilds, limiting them greatly. So having multiple people working around a set base camp would be ideal.

On the other hand though they’d just found this place! How could they possibly leave so soon? … Surely a cursory exploration couldn’t hurt, could it? Maybe they’d pick one planet to land on and look around for a couple hours. A chance to stretch their legs after barely leaving the pilot’s chair for however many days or weeks it had taken them to get here. They’d earned that much, right? If Gabbro were here they’d tell them to do it and it was good compromise; they’d still be leaving soon but not until after a quick look around. They could hold themself to that.

~

It was a water planet like Giant’s Deep. Not exactly, the same as there was no endless storm bringing blanket cloud cover but the similarity was still there and that made it interesting. Were ocean planets common or was this a lucky coincidence? Hopefully one day they’d have enough experience with alien solar systems to know. Or if not them, the explorers that would follow in their footsteps.

The similarity to Giant’s Deep was reason enough to chose that planet as their landing spot. An opportunity for some closer compare and contrast observations and they liked Giant’s Deep. Granted that was largely because that’s where Gabbro had been during the loops but still it had strongly ingrained in them the idea that ocean planets were restful places. So they’d go there for their quick planet exploration and to float around for a little bit. Maybe they’d find a small souvenir to take back and show people as proof they’d finally found something.

~

Upon nearing the planet, they slowed. Not trusting the auto-pilot in an unfamiliar system, they did it manually. After coming to a complete stop relative to the planet just within the planet’s gravity well, they started inching forward again.

The ocean spread out under them, more blue than green; the opposite of the Giant’s Deep. Getting closer revealed islands. They were still far too high to make out much detail but one of those island looked not much like an island at all. Gray and rounded, it jutted up out of the water at an angle. Dark clouds of thick smoke billowed up off it. Whatever it was, true island or not, it was on fire.

Tempting as it was to go straight there to investigate, they didn’t dare. That much fire would be dangerous so they should wait at least until they had backup if not for the fire to burn itself out. Instead they’d do a cursory fly over the other islands and…

A flash of distant green light coming from above the horizon snapped their attention to their left. They turned their head to look and…

Something hit the ship, jolting them hard against the buckles of their seat. Their steady descent immediately shifted into a free fall. Alarms blared, the lights flashed red; the reactor was damaged. Grasping the controls and pressing hard on the throttle did nothing; the engines were damaged too. The ship was falling, spinning as it did, rendering the outside world into a blur.

What had hit them? The skies had been clear. It didn’t matter right now. Auri reached to flip the eject button’s cover up. There wasn’t much of a choice. Fixing the reactor before it exploded while in free fall wasn’t possible. They would know because they’d been in this situation before and had tried it. Even when they’d done it on purpose to train for this exact scenario, when there was no longer a time loop to bring them and their ship back, they’d never been able to do it. They hit the eject button.

The cockpit shot away from the rest of the ship. A handful of seconds later, a boom announced the reactor’s explosion. This was a huge problem. One they were going to have to figure out how to fix later because first came surviving the crash into the ocean.

***

Naturally Ryley hadn’t seen what he’d decided to call the Quarantine Enforcement Platform fire at the Aurora let alone hear it. That’s the only possible thing that could’ve made that sound though, right? Unless there was an underwater volcano over there somewhere that had gone off. In which case an investigation was warranted regardless. If it was the Platform though…

Out of the shelter now, he looked in that direction. … Just in time to see the top close back up over the gun. So it had fired! At what though? He switched his attention to scanning the sky in general. … Nothing. No, it was way smaller than what he’d expected but there was something falling. Not a world ship as the Aurora had been but still definitely some kind of ship. Part of it separated from the rest a couple seconds before that ‘rest’ blew up, leaving more pieces to fall on their own.

What were the chances whoever had been piloting whatever that little ship had been would survive this? … Well, Ryley had so it wasn’t impossible, right? Seemingly no one else had though so… maybe not good. But that bit that separated first might’ve been a mini-escape pod; a means to get the pilot from whatever part of the ship had exploded. The engine presumably but what did he know about space ships? He was a dang xeno-biologist for Earth’s sake.

Going to investigate was the logical next step. In hopes of the pilot surviving and thus easing the solitude of this wretched planet. They might be injured and in need of help.

And so Ryley pulled out his compass and took note of where the bits were falling. First he’d head to the bit that maybe was the mini-escape pod thingy.

~

It was a bowl shape floating in the water, opening side up. The ship had looked quite small up in the air, up close just this part alone made clear the illusion of size distance liked to play.

Upon reaching it, Ryley parked the Sea Moth directly next to it. He then popped the hatch and clambered out to stand atop it. Standing on his toes he could just barely see over the lip of the bowl and thus down into it.

The back of a chair and what could only be a command console were within. A ship for sure then. The chair was occupied. Presumably straps held the pilot in place, dangling over the console. Were they dead or alive though? Ryley couldn’t see well enough to tell. They weren’t moving though.

Ryley pulled his rebreather down. “Hey!” His voice croaked with disuse, triggering a brief coughing fit. When was the last time he’d talked to anyone? “I’m gonna tow you back to my shelter, it’s nearby. Then I’ll figure out how to get you out of there, ‘kay? Assuming you’re alive anyway.” Though even if they weren’t, Ryley would still scavenge their stuff which would require getting their body out regardless. So either way they were coming out. He’d figure out what to do about the corpse if and when he got to that part.

~

Upon being moving the fellow stirred, perhaps even groaned a little. They were alive for now at least. Also, they were heavy and tall, making dragging them out of their ruined craft difficult even with the help of the vehicle bay’s mechanical arms holding the bowl in place. But Ryley had been mucking around on this wretched planet, fighting for survival, long enough that he had more than enough muscle to manage without hurting himself.

Ryley propped them against the wall before turning to the vehicle bay’s console. He took one step towards it before stopping. Getting the Sea Moth back into the mechanical arm’s embrace could wait for once because he should tend to this guest first lest their injuries prove to be in immediate need of addressing.

Pulling the first aid kit from his pack he crouched down beside them. He’d intended to get straight to work removing the suit but… it was odd and unlike anything he’d seen before. The gloves only had three fingers. He’d noticed that upon his initial attempt to wake them via grabbing their arm and giving it a shake. That alone implied the suit had to be special made, right? Designed for someone with abnormal hands. The controls for piloting the ship would’ve also had to be special made for them too then. Meaning… this was guy was likely rich. How else would they have paid for all that? Not that that meant anything out here.

The fellow stirred and groaned again, louder this time, making more clear that the sound of their voice was rather odd, just like the rest of them. They lifted their head, slowly at first until their opaque visor found Ryley at which point they went bolt upright.

“Please tell me we share at least one language because that would make this a whole lot easier.” Ryley knew three. Not many in the grand scheme of things and one of which he could barely say he was actually fluent in but maybe luck would still be on his side.

They lifted a hand as if to touch Ryley but stopped just short of it. Before Ryley could ask if they needed help and/or how injured they were, they spoke. Or, speaking was the only thing it could’ve been anyway because even muffled by their helmet, their voice was wrong. There were sounds in there that couldn’t possibly be of human origin. An artificial voice that was damaged in the crash? Or maybe this was… Nope, Ryley wasn’t going down thinking they were possibly an alien route. Two arms, two legs, and a head, traits inherent to humans. Chances of an alien race ending up with that same basic shape were slim. Jumping straight to assuming someone abnormal was possibly an alien just because they were too covered up to see anything other than their basic shape would surely be offensive and he wasn’t doing it.

“How badly injured are you? Do you need assistance removing your suit so I can look?” He spoke in Mandarin this time though it probably came out quite butchered. But it was the most commonly spoken human language, thus the one most likely to be recognized by a random stranger. Or at least at one point it had been the most widely spoken. Whether it still was or if that was one of those historical facts about Earth that didn’t extend into the space age, he couldn’t recall.

The fellow responded in more nonsense, higher pitched this time, perhaps in excitement. Still babbling, they stood with some obvious effort and they swayed slightly on their feet once all the way up but otherwise they seemed fine. Good news all around even if they were now looking down at Ryley. Being short sucked.

“I don’t understand a single word you’re saying.” Back to English, it was easier. “Good to know you’re apparently okay though.” And even better, he didn’t need to tend to them. He wasn’t a doctor. “Here’s the medkit still since you probably need it.” He handed it to them

They hesitated for a moment before taking it. Almost they seemed to hold it reverently. Weird guy.

“I’m gonna get my Sea Moth docked while you take care of that. I’ll keep your thing nearby in case you need anything from it.” He’d build another vehicle bay for it if it proved to be important. It’s not like he was short on titanium.

~

After double checking to make sure the Sea Moth was properly in and charging, Ryley returned his attention back onto his guest. They’d stood and watched the entire time he’d worked, still holding the medkit. Strange but it was good to have company.

He stepped towards them and… hesitated because none of his prior attempts at communication seemed to have worked. Also, they were still wearing the helmet and suit. Probably more of their strangeness but combined with their height, it gave them an almost intimidating presence. There was something off about them. … What if they were dangerous?

“Could you take off the helmet, please,” he asked as they stepped towards him. When they didn’t respond he mimed pulling a helmet off his own head a couple times.

The fellow paused for a moment as if studying him. They then put the medkit between their belt and waist before reaching up to the sides of their helmet, presumably to undo its seals. After a moment, it visibly loosened, allowing them to reach up and pull it off by the handle on top. Their face was… not human.

Ryley took a step back. Seems jumping to ‘alien’ wouldn’t have been offensive after all in this instance. “That uh… takes the whole ‘four eyes’ thing to a whole new level, huh?” It was a stupid joke to make when confronted with intelligent alien life. Thankfully it, or they probably was probably still better as it was more neutral, couldn’t have possibly understood.

What were the chances this fellow was among the race that had created the Quarantine Platform? Low. They’d been shot down and what little Ryley had seen of their busted ship hadn’t looked at all similar to the other alien tech they were finding.

What now though? … Probably things would just continue as they had been expect now he had an alien friend. They were in the same boat as him; shot down, alone and stranded. There were two of them now though and once they figured out some form of communication, they could start working on this problem together.

~

[A/N] I don't know if I'm gonna continue this. On one hand I do love writing characters interacting and communicating without words. On the other hand though, the base story of Subnautica would probably still be basically the same, it would just have them figuring out how to make the fabricator make stuff that suits Auri too, diving stuff, and a way for them to get home too, added to it. Which if I focused mostly on those parts could be fun. But also, I don't know if I have anything long form in me right now, especially for a crossover fic since these understandably have a limited number of people who are gonna be into them. Which like, while I do primarily write for myself and write whatever I want, if it's something long, it's a lot easier to stay motivated for it when I know other people are also interested. So maybe I'll continue this, maybe I won't. We'll all just have to wait and see.

[decks-writing-blog]

My Fault Chapter 2/2: Last Doom Spiral

Chapter One

~

Lying got Auri out of having to immediately explain what the statues did. Faking curiosity about it was hard but once back on the ship they mostly just had to sit there grimacing inside their helmet while Chert talked about what they’d seen.

They had told Chert about the loop several times before so in theory it should be easy to tell them again. They’d only ever done so as a comfort though after Chert had said they liked the idea the first time Auri had mentioned it in hopes of it maybe making them feel better. But telling them about the time loop because they were now in it and it was all Auri’s fault was something else entirely.

Remembering the loops wasn’t all bad but that didn’t make it good either. Dying, especially the long painful deaths, was the worst part for sure but just sitting with the knowledge that the sun exploded and the universe was ending was wretchedly uncomfortable. And Chert in particular didn’t take it well. Maybe being allowed to sit with it for longer would make it easier to bear? What if they just stayed at the bottom of their doom spiral instead though?

And what if because the statue Chert bonded to was consumed by the sun halfway through the loop, something would mess up? They would only remember half the loop? Would that make it worse or better? Either way it was all Auri’s fault. No matter how many times they ran it through their head, it always came back to that; however much Chert would suffer, physically and emotionally, as a result of remembering the loops, it was Auri who’d subjected them to it. On accident sure but not intending to do harm didn’t mean the harm they’d done wasn’t something they were accountable for.

“Uh… I hate to interrupt whatever you’re so deep in thought about but I can’t help but notice we’re well past the Twins. I need to radio in to Hornfels about what we found on the Sun Station and get back to work on updating those star charts so… where are we going exactly?”

“Giant’s Deep.” Auri hadn’t intentionally started heading in that direction, they’d just needed to keep moving and their affinity for going to see Gabbro when distressed had guided them to this course. “I… we need to talk to Gabbro about the statue. They know more about them.” Except, if not for the time loop, Auri might not know that Gabbro had had more experience with the statues and so they quickly added, “I think. They uh… brought the one in the museum to Timber Hearth so maybe they know more about the memory playback thing you experienced.”

“We could’ve just radioed them but sure, I put off work this long already, I suppose a little longer will hardly make a difference.”

“Yep, uh… you got basically infinite time in the future to map the stars so no need to rush or anything.”

“That sounds like something Gabbro would say.” Chert’s tone carried a vague sense of disapproval in it.

“They’re quite wise, actually.”

“Eh, I guess sometimes. Just don’t let their slow work ethic rub off on you too much, okay?”

Auri didn’t respond. Gabbro had probably rubbed off on them as much as they were going to already.

~

“You mind waiting here for a couple minutes while I talk to Gabbro about a private matter, real quick?” Not waiting for a response, Auri stepped onto the hatch and decanted themself onto the ground beneath.

Finally free of the need to pretend to not be freaking out, they half ran, half walked through the tunnel towards Gabbro’s hammock spot. They really should’ve dropped Chert off at the Twins but by the time they’d realized that, they’d already been so close to Giant’s Deep that turning around would’ve seemed odd.

“Gabbro!” They called as they reached the other side of the tunnel. “I fucked up real bad. Like really, really bad!”

Putting the flute aside, Gabbro turned their head to look at Auri. “What happened?”

“I uh… remember how I said I was going to show off to Chert by taking them to the Sun Station and keep them out of their doom spiral in the process? Well there’s a Nomai statue in there. They got close enough to activate it.”

“Ah, I see. So they’re gonna remember the loops now too?”

“Exactly!” At the hammock now, Auri gripped its edge with both their hands, ceasing its sway. “I fucked up so bad. And… and the sun expands far enough to envelope the Sun Station like halfway through the loop, what if that messes something up and makes it even worse?”

“Hmm… I don’t think that’ll be problem.”

“Why not? And how are you so calm about this?” They were always calm but Auri couldn’t possibly see how they could act like this wasn’t a huge issue.

“Well, when we’re on the Stranger or just out of range of the supernova when the loop ends we remember past the point our statues get destroyed ‘cause the main stuff is inside Ash Twin. Probably it’ll work the same for Chert even if their statue is destroyed halfway through the loop instead.”

“Oh.” Auri should’ve realized that. “That doesn’t make it much better though. I fucked up so bad! It’s my fault because I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. And maybe this isn’t that bad. They’re…”

“How could it not be ‘that bad’?” Auri interrupted. “It’s terrible. I subjected them to remembering dying over and over and over again and watching everything else die too.”

“Okay, that part isn’t good. There are a few downsides to this loop in particular for sure. I get why you’re upset.” Before voicing the obvious upcoming ‘but’, Gabbro shifted to sit up and on the edge of the hammock, right in front of Auri, forcing them to let go of their grip on it. “But it’s not as bad as you think it is either. They’ll now be able to properly use our extra time. And being able to sit with the knowledge that the universe is ending should ease the sting of it like what happened with us when we found out. So they won’t be spiraling about it over and over like they have been.”

“I still did it to them though. All the bad stuff they experience will be because of me. And what if they don’t recover? What if they stay at the bottom of their spiral forever?”

“They’ll recover. And if everything bad that happens to them because of the loop is your fault then so is any good that comes from it. Also, remember, their experience probably isn’t going to be like yours. A lot of your bad deaths are because you’re going to dangerous places. Which is a choice you’re making because you know the loops will bring you back. Or uh, I hope if you weren’t in a loop, you wouldn’t choose do some of the stuff you do. Chert isn’t likely to go fuck around on the Interloper or with the Anglers in Dark Bramble. They’re probably going to mostly die to the supernova. Which isn’t great, it’s still dying after all, but it is fast. So remembering the loops probably won’t be as bad for them as it sometimes is for you. Meaning you don’t need to be this upset with yourself about it, okay?”

Auri didn’t want to agree because it still felt bad and like they should be freaking out about it. But if there was a single argument that could be made against Gabbro’s points, their mind was refusing to pull it up, leaving them with a big blank. … “I still feel bad about it. I don’t want to subject anyone to the loop.”

Gabbro lifted a hand to caress the side of their helmet. Which they of course couldn’t feel but they leaned into it anyway because the gesture alone felt nice. “It’s okay to feel bad. Just don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? It won’t do you or Chert any good.”

Before Auri could respond… “Are you carrying an egg?”

Auri flinched and pulled back from Gabbro before turning to look at Chert standing just inside the tunnel. “What? Why would you think that?”

“Well you were freaking out about something the whole way here and had something private to talk with Gabbro about. The only thing I could think of is that you two have somehow found the time to fool around and are now facing the consequences of that. I’m not sure what would’ve triggered you to realize that on the Sun Station but something happened there that upset you.”

And here Auri had been thinking they’d been doing a good job of pretending they were fine. Apparently not. They’d just embarrassed themself instead.

“If you do think you might be carrying an egg you need to tell Hornfels.”

“That’s not it,” Gabbro said as they slipped off the hammock to stand next to Auri, close enough that their arms brushed against each other. “You didn’t tell them about the statue?” This they addressed to Auri.

“No, I didn’t.”

“So you do know more about the statues then?” Chert asked.

“Yeah. Auri knows more though.”

“No, I don’t. I know just as much as you because I tell you everything I learn about them.”

“That means you know it well enough to teach though. I don’t know if I do. But if you’re feeling too flustered to explain to Chert, I can give it go.” They were a wonderful blessing of a person. “Or we could just wait and explain it later if you know what I mean.” Meaning next loop after Chert experienced their first remembered supernova.

“Now,” Chert said, “explain it now. I want to know why you lied about not knowing about them and I work I need to get back to. And so should both of you.”

Ignoring them, Gabbro kept looking at Auri, apparently waiting for their call. They were the one at fault for Chert being dragged into the loops so it did make sense they would be the one to make that decision. It would probably be easier to explain after they’d experienced their first loop but Auri had already brought them all this way instead of dropping them off on Ember Twin as they should’ve done upon leaving the Sun Station.

“Please could you uh… you can go ahead and tell them about what the statues do.” They made sure to stress the word ‘statues’ slightly in hopes of Gabbro getting the idea that there was no need to talk about the universe ending or the sun blowing up yet. Bringing in that wretched revelation wouldn’t help.

Gabbro turned their head back towards Chert who’d stepped a bit closer. “Welcome to the time loop, Chert. You were technically in it before, you just didn’t remember but now you will. The statues record our memories and send them back in the past every three days.”

“Uh… what?” Chert understandably sounded confused.

“The statues are Nomai tech that record memories and send them back in time through a black hole, creating a time loop.”

“That’s… not possible.”

Auri sighed. “You know the black hole in Brittle Hollow and how when you fall into it, you come out the white hole? The Nomai harnessed that power for teleporting and we co-opted it for our Scouts. Well in the process they discovered when something goes into a black hole it or they come out the white side one second before they went in. With more power going into the creation of an artificial black hole, they can make that interval longer. And so they created the statues to store memories that can send them through a black hole and then on the other side they send them back to us. So we remember the same three days over and over and over again. And I’m really, really, super-duper sorry for dragging you into it. I didn’t mean to. And I know that doesn’t make it better but it’s too late for anything other than apologizing about it. So I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

“They’re being overly anxious,” Gabbro said. “It’s not fun but it means we got a lot of time to just hang out and relax.”

“You would be pleased about that, huh?” Chert’s voice dripped with disapproval. “I’m not sure I believe this though. It sounds too… far fetched.”

It didn’t matter if they didn’t believe now because they would next loop. Them being prepared for it was why they’d needed to be told now. Not that they actually would be prepared for it. The supernova triggered it and this time Chert would remember it. … Unless they didn’t see it this loop. They could ease Chert into that a little. One reveal at a time. Delay Chert’s potentially unending doom spiral for just a little bit longer.

“I’ll prove it,” Auri said. “I know where something is that I should have no idea even exists because this is supposed to be my first flight. So how could I have possibly found it before heading off to show you the Sun Station?” They’d been thinking about taking Chert to the Stranger anyway for an extra bit of showing off and keeping them from their work and the revelations it brought. “So let’s all head back to my ship and I’ll take us there.”

Chert was silent for a long few seconds before sighing. “A time loop would explain why you’re already good enough to board the Sun Station like that. So I guess I’m open to being convinced.”

~

Auri blinked open their eyes to the flash of the Orbital Probe Canon’s firing. Being on the Stranger at the end of the loop and thus not dying always made the transition back to the start of the loop more jarring but it was better than dying.

They sat up and clambered to their feet to stretch. “Hello, Slate,” they said before Slate could say their piece. “I convinced Hornfels to give me the launch code yesterday so I could leave as soon as I woke up. So see you later.” As they rattled off their script, they went to the elevator and punched in the code, sending them up upon completion of their final sentence.

“Uh, okay then,” Slate said, sounding unsure. How unsure they sounded always depended on how flat Auri’s tone was. Today they’d apparently done a good job of sounding believable as Slate sounded only mildly confused.

Upon boarding the ship, they set to suiting up. Should they go get Gabbro before going to go see Chert? … It was tempting to. They’d been there throughout the entire adventure on the Stranger so having them as emotional support for the next part too would be nice. It would take much longer to get to Chert though so… probably they shouldn’t. Auri would do this next part alone.

~

Chert stood to meet them as Auri approached their camp. “Wow, you two weren’t kidding about the time loop. I didn’t believe until I was suddenly here again. You and Gabbro go through that every three days?”

“Sometimes I die before the three days are up but basically, yeah.”

“How long has that been going on? I already asked Gabbro over the radio but they just said ‘a long time’.”

“It’s hard to keep track of time so that’s all I can really say too.” They could’ve kept track of the days in the ship’s log but by the time the thought had occurred to them to do so they’d already long since last track of how long it had been. “Knowing the Nomai there’s probably something somewhere that keeps track of how many loops there’s been. I haven’t found it yet though.” They’d been putting off getting to the Eye Track Module for a while now so probably, if it was anywhere, it’d be there. Probably there was also a record of which loop the Eye had been found in.

“I presume you also haven’t found how to end the loops yet either.”

“Um, actually, I have found that. I just haven’t done it yet.”

“You should get on that, you need to report this to Hornfels. Also, the Stranger, you need to report that too. It’s a massive find. Both are actually.”

If only Auri could properly report their finds. That sure would’ve been nice. Too bad the universe was ending though, making it impossible.

With a sigh, they resumed walking and meandered over to sit on the ground by the campfire, next to the rock Chert usually sat upon. “Come sit with me and I’ll tell you more ‘bout stuff.” They’d thought about this the entirety of last loop as they and Gabbro had shown Chert around the Stranger. They’d wanted to keep it from Chert but it wouldn’t be right to keep that up for long. Chert would eventually insist on getting back to their work and find out on their own like usual anyway. It’d be better to just tell them. And as the one at fault for dragging them into the loop, Auri should be the one to do it.

Chert hesitated a moment before walking over and sitting next to them. “I thought we’d be going back to the Stranger or something.”

“We gotta talk first.” And putting it off wasn’t going to do either of them much good. Auri turned their gaze into the campfire as they resumed speaking. Its dance was comforting even if its heat and light weren’t when out here. “The more power supplied to the artificial black hole, the further back in time it can send stuff. It takes a lot of power to send stuff back three days. Like, a lot, a lot.”

“I’m getting the sense that the source of that power isn’t… pleasant.”

“It’s not. The reason the Nomai created all the stuff for the time loop is because they wanted to find the Eye of Universe. You’ve seen some of their stuff mentioning it before, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Auri proceeded with a brief explanation of how the whole system was meant to get the Nomai the Eye’s coordinates and why it had mattered to them so much. The whole time, they didn’t glance Chert’s way, instead they continued to watch the fire dance. Just because they’d made peace with their mistake and the fact that it meant they had to be the one to have this conversation with Chert didn’t mean they were comfortable with delivering the news they were about to.

“Their intended power source for all this was the sun. They created the Sun Station to make it go supernova.”

“Oh, that’s…”

“It failed,” Auri interrupted. “Which is why everything’s still set up. Enough time has passed though that the sun is dying on its own of natural causes. I can’t stop it. No one can.”

“Oh.” That note in Chert’s voice was uncomfortably familiar. They would remember this revelation this time though. Maybe, hopefully, Gabbro was right and being allowed more time to sit with it would make it hit less hard. Not that it would or could ever be comfortable knowledge to bear.

“The whole universe is reaching the end of its natural life cycle. Remember the multiple supernovas you witnessed when you first came out here to update the star charts? They’re gonna keep happening as the light of more and more of them finally reach us. Everything started dying a while ago. Ours isn’t the last star to go but… I can’t imagine anything lasts much longer after us.”

“You mean… this is the end of not only our solar system but the whole universe?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not… I can’t… But why would you lie about that?”

“I’m not because indeed, why would I? I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, you normally find out on your own. That’s why I brought you to the Sun Station. I wanted to give you another loop in which you didn’t find out but then… I forgot about the statue in there. So now you get to remember it and everything else too.”

Chert didn’t respond. Finally, Auri turned their head to look at them. Their face was of course hidden in their helmet but the hunch of their shoulders as they held their helmet in their hands was familiar.

“You want me to leave you alone or…” Auri trailed off. It always felt bad leaving them alone even when they asked to be.

“I… I don’t know. I can’t… I need to see for myself. I need proof.” They stumbled up to their feet and over to the telescope.

Auri would stay then while they did their work and confirmed what Auri had told them. Being able to sit with the knowledge for longer should make it easier to bear, right? They’d spiraled pretty hard when they found out they couldn’t stop the sun exploding too but had comes to terms with it, or at least as close to coming to terms with it as was possible. Such should hold true for Chert too, right? This would be their last doom spiral. They’d come out the other end of it, eventually… hopefully.

[decks-writing-blog]

My Fault Chapter 1/2: A Good Pilot

Summary: Eager to show off their ability to manually board the Sun Station, Auri brings Chert there with them. They've forgotten there's a Nomai memory statue inside the Sun Station though. ~

“Thoughts on the sun?” Auri asked as they approached the hammock.

As expected Gabbro didn’t seem off put by the question as they lowered the flute to respond. “Wonderful but I would prefer it didn’t explode.”

“Uh… I can’t provide that.” That horrible revelation was something they’d already been over though, no point bringing back feeling bad about it. “I can get us awful close to the sun though, like to the Sun Station. I can board it manually.”

“Ooh, sounds difficult.”

“It is but it’s fun.” The adrenaline of being one small mistake away from careening into the sun but being skilled enough to fly steady was glorious. “Want to do it with me? I promise I’ll keep you safe.” Risking Gabbro wouldn’t rest as easy with them as just risking themself but they could do it and then Gabbro would surely be impressed with them.

“Hmm… I don’t doubt that, however, I don’t think I’d like being that close to the sun. I fear it’d be way too hot for me.”

Auri could only sigh in disappointment. “Fair, I guess.” It was quite uncomfortable.

“Someone else might appreciate the stunt though. I know it wouldn’t be the same if they don’t remember after the loop but you’d still get to properly show off, right? It’d be even more impressive to someone else too ‘cause they all think you’re still new to this astronaut stuff.”

“That wouldn’t feel as good though ‘cause like… you know? It’s based off a lie. I’m not new to this stuff anymore. I worked hard to get that good.” And had fallen into the sun more times than they cared to admit out loud in their attempts to perfect their approach. Not to mention all the other dumb things they’d done with their ship because they’d known any death or damage done would be rewound. “But I guess it might still be fun. Who would I show off to though?”

“Feldspar would appreciate it. Or you could distract Chert from their end of the universe doom spiral. They’re already on the Twins so they shouldn’t mind the heat much, right? Assuming you can convince them to come with you anyway. You could also play a mean prank of Riebeck, say you’re taking them somewhere nice before actually bringing them to the Sun Station. Don’t actually do that one, even if they won’t remember after the loop, it’s still mean. It’s just a funny thought.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t do that to Rieback.” Auri was all for pranks and the like but something like that would indeed be a bit too mean for their tastes. “Chert or Feldspar would be a good candidate though.”

Feldspar would be the one most likely to appreciate it, right? Because they’d done stunts too. Had they ever manually boarded the Sun Station? No one ever said anything about them doing so, meaning there was a good chance they hadn’t. Which in turn meant Auri had done something even Feldspar probably hadn’t. Thus they’d be impressed. … Did Auri want to show them up though? Coming in and essentially saying, ‘hey, come with me to do this thing that proves I’m a better pilot than you,’ would be weird, right?

On the other hand, distracting Chert from their doom spiral and forcing them to spend a loop having a good time instead was always nice even if they never remembered. Would they have fun on adventure to board the Sun Station though? Maybe.

“I’ll take Chert. Or ask them anyway. Probably next loop since I already spent so much time coming here and stuff. And I’ll just hang out here for the rest of this loop.” They’d been hoping/planning to spend this loop with Gabbro anyway. Even if the plan on what they’d be doing together had changed, it wouldn’t hurt to stick to the rest of that idea anyway.

“You are more than welcome to.”

~

“Thoughts on getting up close and personal with the sun?” Auri asked as they strode into Chert’s camp.

Chert looked up at them. “Uh… what? You’re the new guy, right?”

“From one perspective, sure, yeah, I’m the new guy. But that’s not what’s important right now. You know the Sun Station?”

“Yes. The Nomai built it. We haven’t been able to determine why though.”

“I can land on it.” ‘Land’ was a bit of a stretch since the ship didn’t exactly stay landed. It was more effective to hover between its two parts before popping out to board via jet pack.

“You got quite a lot of confidence for someone on their first flight. I respect it but please don’t try to land on the Sun Station. You’ll die.”

“All my confidence is earned, trust me. I’ve already landed on it actually. I just want to show someone because it’s cool.” And then after the Sun Station they’d take Chert to the Stranger again and would, for this loop at least, be the coolest person Chert knew. Also, it would keep them out of their doom spiral. That was more important.

Chert sighed. “Even if I believed you, I have work to do. I’m out here to update the star charts. And uh, speaking of which, have you noticed any supernova lately? I saw two in the last hour. It’s really quite remarkable.”

“Yeah, I saw a supernova a few hours ago.” Right before it killed them last loop but Chert didn’t need to know that.

“That’s fascinating. Three in such quick succession should be… basically impossible, I think.”

“You can figure it out later. There’s plenty of time and what are the chances of any more happening any time soon? Don’t you want to know what’s on the Sun Station? It’s quite cool.” Depressing too but Auri wouldn’t translate any of the text. They’d need to make their loop through it quite quick anyway to avoid losing the ship so there’d be no time to stop and read stuff.

Chert was silent for a few seconds, hopefully because they found the offer tempting. “If you could actually land on it then… I suppose I’d be quite interested.”

“I can.” Auri didn’t need to fake their confidence. “I trained specifically for it.” Technically not an untruth. Their training as Gossan’s student hadn’t covered landing on the Sun Station but their personal practice doing so could easily be classified as self imposed training. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise. And like I said, I’ve already done it and come back and as you can see I’m perfectly fine.” Chert hopefully didn’t know their exact launch window else they’d easily spot the lie there. In which case Auri would try this again next loop after landing on the Sun Station by themself. They wanted to show someone and so far Chert was more open to it than Gabbro.

“Well…” Chert stood. “I suppose the star charts can wait a little longer. But hatchling, if it starts to look bad, I’m going to tell you to back off and you’re going to listen, got it?” Spoken with the air of someone who believed they had far more experience. Which from their perspective was true so it wasn’t as annoying as it would’ve otherwise been but gosh it sure would’ve been nice to have their experience be recognized and acknowledged once in a while. Oh well, Chert had agreed to come and thus it was time for Auri to show them how good a pilot they were.

~

After aligning themself so that the Sun Station appeared to be orbiting the sun in a perfect horizontal line, Auri unbuckled and stood so they could turn to face Chert in the back. Unlike Gabbro, they hadn’t settled down in the equipment alcove to play their instrument to while away the hours of space travel. They’d seemingly stood behind the pilot’s chair the whole time.

“You should probably tether yourself to me, just in case.” Dropping out of the hatch while in space could be disorienting at the best of times, whilst that close to the sun, it was even more so. Auri was used to it by now but it would be Chert’s first time so having the means to reel them into safety was probably a good idea.

Chert looked up at them, their face unreadable in their domed helmet. “I’m starting to have second thoughts about this idea.”

“Nah, trust me when I say you can trust me with your life. In fact, I trust me with your life far more than I trust myself with just my own.” Dying hurt and they wanted to avoid it at all costs but the whole coming back thing made risking their life in a stunt not as much of a deterrent as it had once been. Knowing intimately how much it hurt though made them more keen to not accidentally inflict it on anyone else.

“Scratch that, I think I’m starting to have third thoughts.”

“Which means you’ve wrapped back around to being excited about it, right?”

“No! Hatchling, is something wrong? Maybe we should go talk to Hornfels. I’m not… I’m not cut out for helping with whatever this is that you’re going through.”

In hindsight revealing they were more focused on others’ safety than their own maybe wasn’t a good idea. It certainly had to paint some kind of picture about them that wasn’t quite accurate without the knowledge of the time loop. Oops. Too late now though.

“It was a joke, I’m fine.” Auri went over and gathered up their rope. They tied one end securely to their harness before handing the other end to Chert.

Chert hesitated for a moment before taking it and tying it to their own harness. “If you get us killed, my ghost is haunting your ghost forever.”

“Fair enough.” Auri sat back in the pilot’s chair and buckled back up to set to realigning.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this.”

“You agreed to it because you want to see what’s on the Sun Station. Anyone would. It’s a cool place. Now uh, I hate to be the person telling other people to shut up and stuff, especially since I’m pretty sure it makes me at least a little bit of a hypocrite considering how much I can run my mouth sometimes, but I really need to focus on this next part, please and thank you.”

“Understood.”

Confident that nothing would interrupt, Auri took deep slow breaths, steadying their nerves as they watched the Sun Station’s indicator marked by the ship’s computer on their HUD. Once it was just coming up from the ‘bottom’ of the sun, they engaged the ship’s thrusters, aiming for the ‘top’. This was always the part they were the most prone to messing up. Which was good because it was also the least dangerous but it would be embarrassing and the main point was to show off. So right now it was also the most anxiety inducing.

Thankfully as time dragged and they got closer and closer, the more sure they became that they’d timed it right. Soon the heat of the sun was palpable, only growing more uncomfortable as they got ever closer. Both the ship and the suits were treated to be able to withstand extremely high temperatures – a safety measure put in place supposedly after Feldspar slingshotted their ship around the sun, resulting in it not making it back to Timber Hearth and Feldspar barely making it to Gossan’s ship on luck alone – but it could only do so much. If they went too close and stayed for too long, it’d catch fire and they’d be royally fucked. Luckily the Sun Station orbited just far enough out to allow for hanging out with it for a little while before everything caught fire and/or exploded.

Also, the closer they got, the more the sun’s gravity could be felt. It overwhelmed the gravity crystal and pulled at them directly. Auri had to fight its pull with the ship’s thrusters but not too hard lest they pull away entirely. It was a delicate tightrope to walk, made harder by the intense heat but Auri did it.

“Holy shit, they’re actually doing it.” Chert’s whisper was barely audible, probably not meant to be heard by Auri at all. It was what they were here for though. Finally one other person could see and appreciate their skills. It not being Gabbro, who already knew they were an experienced astronaut, actually did make it better.

“Now here comes the best part.” Already Auri’s heart was starting to race in anticipation as the Sun Station came up behind them. They’d aimed perfectly to be between it’s two broken halves.

They turned to face the doorway they’d soon be jetpacking through. Locking on, they matched it velocity. It was never so simple though because they were still fighting the sun itself, requiring constant adjustments for a while until they were about as steady as was possible to get. Keeping this up indefinitely wasn’t an option but for a little while they’d be fine.

“You ready, Chert?”

“For what? I noticed there doesn’t seem to be a landing pad and you don’t even seem to be lining up to land on anything. I’m… not even sure you can.”

“We’re gonna pop out of the hatch, jetpack into that doorway there, do a quick explore before we need to jetpack to the ship or risk losing it.”

“Uh… we’re going to do what now?”

Already unbuckling, there wasn’t time to explain again. Standing while so hot and while being pulled down so hard always made their head swim. They shook it off though and quickly made their way to the hatch, tugging on the tether to get Chert to join them.

“I’m serious, Auri, are we really going to…”

Auri pressed the hatch release button, dumping both of them into space. The sun’s heat was more intense than ever as it took up seemingly the whole of the universe. So bright and hot, it felt too as if it surely should’ve been screaming. But as always, no atmosphere meant silence other than for the sound of their own breath and heartbeat pounding in their ears. It was exhilarating to just float there for a moment with death so close and the safety of their ship right there but instead of going back to it, they moved away. Engaging their jetpack, they started for the door.

Chert flailed for a moment, making the tether between them go taunt, but followed. For how intense and dangerous the trip was, it always felt as if it should’ve been more difficult, one more skill intensive hurdle to survive, but such wasn’t the case. Lining up was easy and flying in even more so.

Auri landed first, followed a few moments later by Chert. Unable to talk properly without atmosphere or an in-suit communications systems – something Slate was working on but sadly would never finish – Chert lifted their hands to sign instead. It was an altered form of sign language to accommodate the suit’s bulky gloves. “Wow. Wow. Wow. You really did it.”

In response they did an exaggerated stage bow. The effect of it was ruined by the heavy equipment on their back making them start to topple. Flailing, they caught themself on the themself on the wall, narrowly avoiding falling into a full face plant.

“Don’t let it get to your head, hatchling,” Chert signed as they straightened. “You’re a good pilot though. Gossan must be proud. Now let’s explore.”

Auri gave them a, “Thanks,” that went unseen as Chert hurried forward. They quickly looked up to check the ship, ascertaining that it was still in line with the Station’s orbit. It was prone to falling out. They’d keep an eye on it and if it looked like it was starting to drift, they pull Chert aside and let them know they needed to leave.

Gossan would be proud of them though, huh? They were going to have to drag them on an adventure one day to show off. … Except they’d be proud for just that loop alone. Just like Chert was only going to be impressed with them for this loop. Everything was going to reset. Chert was going to forget all this and, if left to their own devices, go through their usual doom spiral again. Nothing ever stuck. None of their achievements or accomplishments would ever be acknowledged by anyone other than Gabbro. At least it wasn’t no one though, right? … That only lessened the sting. They wanted Gossan to know how much their teaching had set them up to be able to achieve so much. And when was the last time they’d even thought to talk to Hal, let alone share important stuff with them? And they’d always looked up to Hornfels, so it’d be real damn nice if they…

A tug on the tether had Auri looking back up. They’d stop in the entrance to the main room, preventing Chert from going further in. Oops. That’s what they got for thinking too much about things.

Chert dropped the rope, freeing their hands to ask, “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Auri put a forced spring of excitement back into their movements. Chert didn’t know them well and couldn’t see their face so it should be convincing. “Let’s explore! We have to be quick, remember?”

Apparently fooled, Chert turned back around to obey. They led the way further in. Auri trailed behind, making sure to not tug against the tether again. Letting their thoughts drift so far had been a dumb mistake on their part. They were here to show off and bask in Chert being impressed with their piloting skills while also giving them a fun, exciting loop for a change. And who wouldn’t be excited by the chance to explore the Sun Station? It was a neat place even if the information it carried was tragic. The mere existence of it was a monument to the Nomai’s ingenuity. Ancient and broken but still it…

Something moved, snatching Auri’s attention once more. A Nomai statue. It made perfect logical sense for one to be in here and they’d even noticed it during their first visit but they’d since utterly forgotten about it. Writing off as just part of the decoration in subsequent visits. And yet, here it was, turning to face Chert as they approached it, no doubt drawn in even further by that movement. Oh no!

Its eyes slid open. Almost Auri could hear the grind of stone moving against stone. The third eye started glowing, seemingly pulling light in at the same time. It looked even more bizarre from the outside and there was no floating Nomai text. That didn’t mean it wasn’t working though because it was clearly doing something.

Auri fumbled for the tether for a precious few seconds before grasping and giving it a hard yank. Chert lost their feet, landing on their bottom, but their gaze remained locked on the statue until a second later as its glow faded. Its work presumably done, Chert was now free to shakily stand up.

They turned to face Auri. “Did you see that?”

Yes, unfortunately Auri had seen it and knew exactly what it was and what it meant. They’d fucked up. Their biggest fuck up ever. How could they have possibly forgotten about the Nomai statues? Or that one was here! Meaning that this was not a place they ever should’ve brought anyone ever. But they had and there was no taking their wretched, awful mistake back. They were a fucking idiot.

[decks-writing-blog]

Third Time's the Charm

Summary: After ejecting to escape an Angler, Auri scans for the other travelers' signal, instead they find Feldspar's.

[A/N] This fic was loosely inspired by an experience I had while playing the VR mod. Long story short, I had to jet pack through Dark Bramble without the ship. I ended up going to Feldspar's camp and spending the rest of the loop there, sitting on the floor and roasting marshmallows. The flight there was kinda intense because VR is kinda intense. It was cool though.

~

Alarms blared, flashing all around as the Angler’s jaws closed on the ship. The reactor was damaged but didn’t immediately explode this time. Whether that was actually good news or not was yet to be determined. A fast death via explosion might be preferable at this point.

Auri was already reaching for the eject button though. They didn’t want to die. The fact that they were probably dead no matter what and waiting for the reactor to explode would end this nightmare the quickest didn’t feel like it mattered much in comparison. As soon as they got the cover up, they slammed down on the button.

The cockpit shot forward into the thick mists of Dark Bramble. A moment later, the ship’s reactor exploded. Nowhere near as loud as it would’ve been on Timber Hearth, it made more of a loud pop sound than a proper explosive bang. Likewise the shock wave was also somewhat pathetic but strong enough to create a visible rolling motion in the fog.

Looking back to see how much damage had been done to the Angler would’ve been nice but Auri was a bit too busy. The cockpit was barreling towards a wall that wasn’t a wall at all but an overgrown root. They hit hard enough to jar them forward into their seat’s straps but the cockpit window remained intact and so did they. Despite everything they were utterly unharmed. Wow.

Their hands trembled as they pawed at their strap buckles, fumbling for a moment before managing to find the release. That left them floating there though. All their momentum had been halted by the root in front of them. They had three hours to live, less if they panicked and used up their oxygen faster. See? A fast death via explosion probably would’ve been better after all. Too late now.

They pushed themself up and out of the chair before using the jet pack to free themself of the cockpit entirely, halting their momentum once clear of it. Which left them floating in the dense fog. Looking back in the general direction of the rest of the ship, revealed nothing. They’d drifted far enough that the fog obscured everything except the Angler’s light. It was moving, thankfully away. Whether that was because it was leaving, satisfied that it had killed its prey, or that the explosion had killed it, leaving it’s body – or perhaps the pieces of its body – to drift was unclear. Auri could jet pack over and find out for sure but… if it was still alive, they’d barely escaped unharmed, why go back? And, the ship was for sure inoperable, thus there was nothing to gain from going back and everything to lose.

Which left them floating utterly alone and bereft of a way out. They hated this place. Dark Bramble was the worst planet. ‘Third time’s the charm’ they’d thought but nope, their exploration efforts turned out worse than ever before. There had to be a secret hidden somewhere within this place, possibly even multiple. How could there not be? This wasn’t the loop they were going to find it in though.

They pulled out the signal scope. Maybe the other pilots’ signal music would come through the entrance and guide them back out. They were two seeds deep by now though so maybe not but… A signal! They honed in on it. Harmonica music filled their helmet as they found it. Weird. Wasn’t it Feldspar who played the harmonica?

Maybe it was a trap. An audio signal version of the Anglers’ lights that looked almost exactly like the seeds’ lights from afar when obscured by the omnipresent fog. They had only three hours to live though, even if they made it to the exit, they wouldn’t be able to do anything other than die in space instead of in fog. Which would’ve been more comforting but this was a mystery that they officially needed to know the answer to.

Keeping hold of the signal scope with one hand, they grasped the jet pack’s controller with the other and started towards it. Once they got going at a decent speed, they let up on the controls, letting themself settle into a drift. Unlike true space, their speed would decay here but slow enough that they should be fine to drift for a while.

Nothing was around them. Not that they could see anyway, who knew what the fog might be hiding. The range of vision it offered was only maybe a meter or two at most. Rendering them effectively blind.

The harmonica music filling their helmet was comforting but… not enough to ease the tingle of fear in their spine. The impenetrable fog made the space feel simultaneously too spacious and not spacious enough. It was impossible to see through it to determine how big this place was, giving the impression that it was vast and cavernous. On the other hand though, the fog pressed in so tight and thick, it seemed almost solid at times, lending itself to a claustrophobic feeling. The juxtaposition of the two sensations had always been unsettling. Without the safety and protection of the ship around them, it was so much worse.

They were a tiny little thing drifting through an endless sea of fog in a space that shouldn’t physically be possible. Massive predators waited in that fog, maybe only one or two but probably far more, possibly even hundreds across the many folding passages made up by the many seeds.

How far and deep did these seed-borne passages go? Were they endless? Or was there a center? If so, what lay within it? A horror that overshadowed even the Anglers or something majestic and wonderful?

With a whimper, they curled in on themself. As much as they could with the bulky suit and their hand held up and partially extended to ensure the signal scope continued picking up that harmonica music. Silence would surely drive them mad. They needed that music. It was their only lifeline in this awful place.

What if it was a trap though? Surely anything capable of laying such a trap was worse than the Anglers, right? What if the reason it was playing harmonica music is because it’s what killed Feldspar? It assimilated them into itself, allowing it to mimic their music. How likely was that? … Auri had no way of guessing, especially not right now when they were trembling in fear at the mere thought of it such a horror existing, let alone the fact that they were headed straight towards it.

Maybe they shouldn’t risk it. Instead they should just… pop the seal of their helmet and send themself into next loop. The thought of doing so set their hands trembling anew. Just like they couldn’t force themself to wait the extra three seconds for the ship’s reactor to take them out with a quick explosion, they also couldn’t merely reach up and remove their helmet. They didn’t want to die. The fact that they’d done so several times by now didn’t matter.

Also, what if it was actually Feldspar? The reason they’d vanished was because they’d gotten lost in this wretched maze. Maybe there was no way out once one entered. Auri had never successfully left before after all, death and thus the loop was the only thing that ever brought them out. If that was the case they had to know.

~

‘30 minutes of oxygen remaining’ flashed onto the helmet’s display with a small beep. It settled up at the top a moment later where it would stay, counting down every minute.

What purpose did the countdown serve other than to cause anxiety way earlier than needed? Auri didn’t need nor did they want to know they had only thirty minutes left before they suffocated. Their fear had numbed down to a dull distant thing but now it was back. They didn’t want to die.

It was far too late to turn back now though. They were in three more layers deep with more than half their jet pack fuel gone. Their call to start preserving it early had been a good one. Twice now they’d followed the signal to a seed too small to fit through, requiring course changes on top of needing to dodge the occasional branch or to aim for the seeds’ entrances. Their momentum also bled out quickly upon going through the boundary of one seed to the next. Why was a mystery but it meant yet more fuel usage.

At this rate Auri was going to die as soon as they reached the signal’s source. Or maybe there was no source. It was bouncing around in circles, sending them in circles as well. That’d be just their luck. They were committed though and so they kept going, trying not to think about the timer they’d already been on but now had a number for.

~

The light Auri was drifting towards wasn’t another seed. Their immense luck in not running into another Angler had finally run out. Once close enough to realize the light was that of an Angler’s it was always far too late but Auri tried anyway as they as they engaged the jet pack’s retro-thrusters. Which only slowed them of course. And they were going fast, way to fast to…

It was a skeleton. Much like the fossil in the Ember Twin’s cavern, the lure light still glowed even though the Angler it was attached to had long since rotted to bones. Why their florescence was so persistent even after death was worth studying. Auri wasn’t the person to do that study that though.

Letting out a shaky breath, they engaged the jet pack again, pulling themself to a complete halt. Which used more of their rapidly depleting jet pack fuel but they needed a moment to calm their breathing.

‘5 minutes of oxygen remaining.’ the suit informed them with another beep. Before putting the text back at top. It’d be doing that every minute now. But that was why Auri needed to calm down. Panicking would shorten their already short life.

Signal lost, static filled their helmet. Which fit with the static that settled back into their mind as their relief of no longer being immediately about to die faded. No instead they were still choosing to wait and delay even though it was unlikely they’d find the source of the signal before death came. There was nothing else to do though and so they lifted the signal scope back up and panned around until they found the harmonica music again. Which resulted in them pointing at the Angler fossil again. It must be on the other side.

Except, no, it wasn’t. The signal source read as too close for that to be the case. Also there seemed to be two sources of the same signal. Not odd in this place but the seeds had never been so close together before. Well, even if that wasn’t the case exploring the Angler fossil was probably about all they had time for anyway. They hadn’t found their way to the one on Ember Twin yet so the opportunity shouldn’t be declined anyway.

Engaging the jet pack, they flew closer, aiming for the wide open jaws. They were still unnerving even when the beast was clearly dead. Why did it have to have such big teeth? They were bigger then some trees as proven by the fact that there were… trees growing inside it? How? Why? There was also a campfire set in the middle of the jaw, lighting up the place and driving back the fog.

‘Trees detected, oxygen replenishing,’ the suit’s HUD read, replacing the countdown to suffocation, as they neared the trees in question. A moment later, gravity gripped them and pulled flailing down onto the jaw, landing face down as they hadn’t been at all prepared to orient to there being a proper down again.

They pushed themself up to into a sitting position, allowing them to look around. A campsite, the campfire set safely in the middle away from the sparse trees and surrounded by rocks. To the side was the gravity crystal, holding everything down in a small radius. On the other side of the campfire sat what could only be another hearthian wrapped up in space suit. Auri almost stumbled to their feet to go around and hug them in sweet, sweet relief. The only thing stopping them was how strange this was. They’d long since purposefully stopped thinking about what they might find if they kept following the signal, if anything at all. So literally anything would’ve been surprising but the fact that it was warmth, company, and a literal extension on their life this loop seemed far too good to be true.

Was it a dream? While suffocating they’d certainly had some fairly vivid dreams before. Never one like this though.

Eventually the other hearthian broke the silence. “You gonna say anything or you just gonna sit there and stare at me? Or perhaps I’ve finally cracked and you’re a hallucination, something my brain made up to keep me company.”

Their voice was familiar but Auri couldn’t place it. … Except they didn’t have to because there was only person it could be, right? They weren’t playing the harmonica but there was one in their hand. And next to them sat a radio, much like how all the other Venture pilots had to broadcast their music so they could always find each other.

Auri stumbled to their feet and lifted the signal scope in their hand. They pointed it at the radio. No music currently came through it of course as its owner wasn’t currently playing and hadn’t set a recording to keep going for them. Meaning its signal was currently silent but the signal scope still beeped, indicating it had found the source of a signal. Surely no matter how advance a mimic Auri’s theoretical sound based Angler was, copying the campsite, the person, and the signal would be impossible. Meaning it could only be… “Feldspar! You’re alive!”

“So they sent people to look for me after all, huh?”

“Of course they did. They looked and looked and looked but never found you. I uh… wasn’t really sent to find you. Everyone’s pretty sure you’re dead even if um, most of them won’t say it.” Auri had certainly not had any doubts about it until hearing their harmonica. And even then their first thought had been that it was probably a new kind of Angler.

“Oh. I see.” How they actually felt about that news was hard to tell with the helmet hiding their expression and how reigned they kept their voice. “You’re the new astronaut, right? The one that was in training when I left. Aurichalcite’s your name?” They remembered Auri’s name!

“Yep that’s me. Call me ‘Auri’ for short. Thank you for saving me with your trees. Suffocating sucks.” There were worse ways to die but the slow countdown of watching their oxygen deplete and knowing freaking out about it too much would only make it deplete faster was a special kind of awful.

“I imagine it would. That means you’ve been away from your ship for a while then. You crash too or did you get got by an Angler?”

“Angler. It bit my ship and I ejected before the reactor exploded. I followed your signal here.”

“Guess that means you’re here to stay then. Welcome to my humble campsite.” Feldspar gestured to the camp around them as if welcoming Auri into their home.

Auri put the signal scope back on their belt before walking around to sit next to them. Not too close as they didn’t want to be weird but Feldspar had been their hero when they’d been little. They were much shorter than Auri remembered but still they’d daydreamed about being the one to find Feldspar once their disappearance had become undeniable. Asking how they’d ended up here and whatnot was tempting and Auri would get to it in a moment but first…

“This gonna sound really weird but this is actually fine because I’m in a time loop. I’m gonna wake up in a day or two, I’ve uh, lost track of time so I don’t know how long’s left, and be back on Timber Hearth. I’ll come rescue you then… assuming I can find this place again with the ship intact. I’ll figure it out. And then once I figure out how to end the loop, ‘cause I don’t know how it works yet, I’ll come back again and rescue you permanently.”

“Hmm… maybe you’re the one hallucinating.”

“I hallucinate when I die sometimes so technically, yeah. It’s fine that you don’t believe me though. In hindsight I should probably stop telling people, it kinda just makes things awkward most of the time.”

Feldspar thought for a moment before shrugging. “Maybe you are in a time loop. This place loops physically so maybe there’s something out there that makes time behave in a similar fashion. Time’s just another dimension or whatever, right? Good luck with that. Don’t worry ‘bout saving me too quickly though, I kinda like it out here.”

“Why?” To each, their own and all that but this place sucked.

“It’s quiet.”

“Yeah but the Anglers and the fog and… it’s been years.” Even if it was nice out here, after so long alone it would surely still have grown wretchedly awful. Hearthians could bear solitude for a while, some longer than others, but everyone had to have a limit, right? How could Feldspar have not reached theirs yet?

“How many years exactly?”

“Like ten, I think.”

Feldspar visibly flinched. “Surely not. It couldn’t have been more than a three or four.”

“Nah, it’s been like ten. More like eight or so since you were officially properly announced as missing.” Auri had caught wind of and intentionally eavesdropped on several conversations about whether or not Feldspar was coming back. Gossan and Slate had fought about it in particular. Such had been the start of their adversarial relations. “Maybe time flows differently here?”

“Maybe it does. It would certainly explain how you’re old enough to have finished training and properly launched. Darn. I suppose I should’ve been putting more effort into trying get out then. I was always planning on leaving but stuff needed doing.”

“I’ll get you out. The loops will give me plenty of time to figure out how to and then once I also figure out how to end them,” and stop the sun from exploding too of course but they had already stopped talking to people about that, “I’ll get you out for reals and take you home.”

“Well, all righty then, I suppose.”

[decks-writing-blog]

Broke the Fabric of Spacetime: Chapter 3/3: No Going Back

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

“… really do look like me.”

“Shush, they’re sleeping.” That was Riebeck. “They said they’d sleep until you got here but… they really weren’t doing well so I think we should let them sleep until they wake up on their own.”

Speaking in a whisper now to match them, the other voice came again. “Yeah, I know but… are they really me?”

“I don’t know,” Chert replied. “They seemed to think so though.”

“I can think of a few fun things we could do with two of you.” Was that Gabbro? Why were they here now too?

“Um… maybe put a pin in those ideas until we know what’s going on with them.” That was Other-Auri. Something about their voice sounded off, which had made it hard to immediately recognize, but it was definitely them. Did they not know what was going on? How? They should, right? But nothing made sense anymore.

“Let’s take this conversation outside before we wake them up,” Riebeck said.

Auri could let them go. It was very tempting. They could just drift back to sleep and worry about all this later. But if Other-Auri somehow didn’t know what was going on either that was… scary because they should. So should Auri too, actually. It had been a long time since anything new had happened. The fact that it involved Auri having a bad time was no surprise. They needed to get to the bottom of it though. That old spark of mystery hunting was still in them somewhere apparently.

“Too late, I’m awake,” they said as they forced their eyes open.

Everyone had been turning towards the tent’s exit but froze now. It was indeed Gabbro and Other-Auri. Both had taken off their helmets, joining Chert and Riebeck in the tent, crowding in shoulder to shoulder to look at Auri lying in the sleeping bag at the back.

“Sorry,” Riebeck said with a grimace. “Are you feeling any better though?”

Auri carefully sat up. Their head felt as if it were stuffed with cotton which wasn’t great but it was a far sight better than the wretched pain it had been in before. Pain killers were one of the greatest things ever made, right up there with the technologies that allowed for space travel. “Um… yeah. I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit anymore which is nice.”

Other-Auri took a step towards them. “Are you really me?”

Should Auri stand to be at eye level with them? … No, it wasn’t worth the effort. They stayed seated, carefully crossing their legs under them. “Yeah.”

“How?”

“Do you really not remember?”

“Um… no. Should I?”

More things not making sense, no surprise there anymore. Auri looked at everyone in the room, all silently watching. None of them knew about the loops… or at least as far as Auri knew, they didn’t. Who even know what was going on anymore? Bringing them up might derail the conversation into explaining them but the alternative was requesting a private chat with just Other-Auri and that would be far more of a hassle. “From your perspective what happened last loop?”

For some reason that made all four of them freeze. They exchanged looks. What any of them could be trying to wordlessly communicate to each other, Auri couldn’t even begin to guess. They’d been good with people once upon a time but not anymore. Their question had triggered something for all four though. Why?

It was Other-Auri who finally broke the silence. “Before I answer that, you’re the uh… anomaly from where the rest of us stand, so maybe let’s start with what happened from your perspective.”

That made sense. Auri had had to start last time too as they were the one who hadn’t woken up on Timber Hearth like normal. “You want me to start from the beginning?”

“That would be preferable, yeah,” Chert answered. No question about the loops? Did the three of them know too then? How? “Assuming you’re feeling well enough now anyway.”

“My head no longer hurts bad enough to make thinking hard so uh… sure, I’ll start. The loop before last, I went to the Ash Twin Project. I was thinking about taking out the Advanced Warp Core and letting everything finally die. But then the black hole opened and I decided to go through. Which brought me to the start of last loop inside the Ash Twin Project. You,” they pointed to Other-Auri, “or… I guess another us woke up on Timber Hearth like normal. Or, no, not another, just me from the past. Time travel, you know? They came to Ash Twin, letting me out in the process.

“We talked for a while about how dangerous an idea that was and then decided that we didn’t really care. Then we came to the Stranger ‘cause I almost always come here so why not hang out with myself here too? We decided to commit and see what would happen if they didn’t go through the black hole. Since that would create a paradox; they’d have to go through it in order for there to have ever been two of us at the same point in time. If it broke the fabric of spacetime or something, it wouldn’t matter anyway because the universe was ending anyway, why not go out on my own terms instead?

“And then uh… the loop ended.” They had to take a deep breath before continuing, not that it helped much but maybe it made the sudden shaking in their voice less obvious. “Something… broke, I think. Maybe spacetime, now that I think about it. I don’t know. It hurt though. A lot. It was like…” They looked away, down at the floor as they grasped the sleeping bag tight in their hands as if it could ground them against he memory of those awful moments. “Every single atom in my body screamed with pain and wrongness and… the colours. They couldn’t and shouldn’t exist but… they were everything and everywhere. Existence was wrong and bad. Or maybe not ‘bad’ but wrong and that made it feel bad. And… I don’t know how long it lasted. Could’ve been just a few seconds or several decades. I don’t think time really had any meaning anymore. But then… I woke up in the river, feeling awful and with the worst headache of my entire life but… it was still better. Then, I crawled onto land and threw up a little. Which was where Riebeck found me. I don’t know what’s going on.”

Looking back up, they flinched and quickly looked away again. They couldn’t read the looks the four of them were giving them but… it wasn’t good. Couldn’t possibly be. Talking about it had been harder than they’d thought it be. It had been just another bad, painful thing that had happened to them but it didn’t feel like just another ‘thing’.

Their heart hammered as their lungs struggled to pull in enough air. Almost, blessedly only almost, they could feel that wrongness again. And the colours, they couldn’t ever hope to recall them but surely they were lurking somewhere under reality, waiting to become reality once more. At the end of this loop it might happen again. How long did they have to find a way to…

Someone walked over and sat next to them. It was Gabbro. “That sounds awful.” They even put an arm around Auri. It seemed an almost causal gesture as if that kind of thing were normal. But why would it be? They weren’t friends. “You’re okay now though. Just breath, slow and steady, okay? And if you can’t that’s okay too. You’ll make it through this.”

Other-Auri sat on their other side, only slightly diagonal as dictated by the tent’s equipment, but close enough that their knees were pressed together. And then Chert and Riebeck sat in front of them. They were suddenly in a tight circle, all close enough to touch. It was so strange and new, it was distracting. Why would they being so nice? None of them knew Auri as anything more than an acquaintance. … Or maybe they did. Maybe they knew Other-Auri well and so their friendship extended to Auri by default because of course it would. They were the same person or close to it. Clearly there was something different about this Auri though. They didn’t talk the same as the other Other-Auri had, their tone lacked… bitterness.

Yeah, that was it. The first Other-Auri had naturally shared Auri’s bitterness. This one seemed not to though. Why? … Something to do with the current friendship comfort circle no doubt.

“You have friends.” Their voice barely shook even if their hands still did. Distracting them out of their descent into panic with the weirdness of it probably wasn’t the intent of the circle or the arm Gabbro still had around them, but it had worked nonetheless. It was hard to be confused to the point of frustration and freak out over an unpleasant memory at the same time.

A beat or two of silence passed before Riebeck broke it. “Who do you mean?”

Auri took Gabbro’s hand and took it off themself; they didn’t know them like that. Gabbro pulled back without complaint, even scooting back a little. “I mean the other me.” They turned their attention onto Other-Auri. “You have friends”

They seemed to almost flinch at something in Auri’s tone or perhaps their expression. “Do you… not have friends then?”

“No, I don’t, not really anyway. Hal technically, sort of the Prisoner and Solanum, but that hardly counts. No one else remembers the loops so it’s kind of hard to have real friends. Which is why it’s weird that you do because you’re supposed to be me and are but clearly something’s different. So I think it’s your turn to do some explaining.”

“Okay, um… yeah. We’re still trying to figure out what’s going on here. First off, that’s fucked up that you’re the only one who remembers. That’s… I can’t even imagine how lonely that would be. For me or… us, all four of us remember the loops. Or um, I should say ‘we remembered the loops’ because they’re are over and have been for a while.”

Almost Auri asked them to repeat themself because the words barely made sense. Taking out the Advance Warp Core would end the loops but it would also let the universe to end. The sun exploded at the end of the loop. It didn’t reach the Stranger so maybe they’d fled here? … But no, earlier conversation made it quite clear the Timber Hearth still existed and had people living on it. So… “How?”

“Auri and Gabbro went to the Eye of the Universe and fixed it somehow,” Chert answered. “We were invited too but Riebeck was too scared to go and I decided to stay back to keep them company.”

“What? But… I tried that or… just to go therebut… the coordinates. The thing was too damaged. I couldn’t tell it to pull up the coordinates and I couldn’t fix it. So how did you…” Unable to find the right words, they trailed off.

“We didn’t have that problem,” Gabbro said. “The coordinates displayed just fine for us.”

It wasn’t fair. None of it had ever been fair. Auri had accepted that long ago, came to terms with it even. But this Auri was not only not alone in remembering the loops but had been able to go to the Eye and fix the universe. Auri would’ve given almost anything short of going through the world breaking again to have had any of those things. Instead they had none of them while this version of them had everything they’d ever wanted.

Auri stood. Their head swam, reminding them of their earlier headache. Ignoring it, they carefully stepped out of the wretched comfort friendship circle and left the tent.

Base camp turns out was set up near the Stranger’s main entrance on the center island in front of the dam. Bridges had been constructed, connecting to both sides of the river. Proof they were out of the loop; those would take a lot longer than three days to gather the wood for and construct, especially since one look was enough to determine they weren’t rush jobs. Not to mention the dam normally broke halfway through. Either that didn’t happen here or, more likely, without the threat of the supernova, the Stranger’s automatic systems wouldn’t move it and thus the dam wouldn’t be subjected to enough strain to damage it. Possibly, with how much time had to have gone by, repairs might have even been made to it.

Where did Auri go from here though? Not that there was anywhere to go or if there was, they couldn’t get there. Rushing out here was enough to remind them that whatever happened had taken its toll on them, body and mind. Some pain medicine and handful of hours asleep wasn’t enough for them to fully recover. Already they wanted to lie back down and go to sleep. Maybe when they woke up things would make sense. Except that wouldn’t work because they’d already tried that. This wasn’t a dream. What was it?

Turning back towards the tent, everyone else was filing out. Other-Auri was last with Gabbro. The two of them had something going on, didn’t they? They were partners or something. What did Auri know though? They shouldn’t be here.

“Are you okay?” Riebeck asked. A question so dumb it wasn’t worth answering.

“How am I here?” they said instead because they needed an explanation. “How is any of this real?”

“You’re from an alternate reality.” Gabbro sounded confident as if they knew that for a fact. It made sense though, didn’t it? What else could possibly explain the differences between how the world should be and how it was?

“How’d I get here though?”

“You created a time travel paradox and thus broke spacetime, remember? Either you destroyed your reality or it just rejected you and forced you out. Regardless of which it is, my theory is because you were the breaking point, the paradox, whatever you want to call it, you were shoved into the space between realities. Which was the wrongness you talked about. And then from there, you slipped into our reality. Either through a small hole or maybe because as something from reality, that place couldn’t hold you for long and you were forced out.”

That made sense. How Gabbro had figured it out so quickly was a mystery, probably a testament to their intelligence even if they didn’t always act smart. They were into quantum stuff, weren’t they? Adding thinking about alternate realities wasn’t the same but it had a similar vibe.

Also, Auri had gone through the black hole in the Ash Twin Project and then decided to commit to finding out what would happen upon creating a paradox with the understanding that it might end the universe. That understanding had come with the belief that they’d be destroyed with it though. Not shoved into the space between realities before being shoved right back out into a different world to continue existing. “Which is more likely do you think? I destroyed my reality or it just… rejected me and kept going without me?”

Gabbro didn’t immediately have an answer this time. Did they think the worst and were hesitant to say or were they not sure and thinking about it? Auri didn’t know them well enough to tell. “I don’t know,” is what they finally settled on which didn’t answer the question either way. They might just not want to voice the conclusion they came to.

“I’m sure your reality’s fine,” Riebeck said. They were for sure just trying to be comforting.

“Would it be possible to find out?” Chert asked, addressing Gabbro.

Gabbro shrugged. “Probably not. They’re not exactly easy to study. Trust me, I tried.” This they addressed to Auri. “The Eye is what led me to believe they exist in the first place. I think it might connect every reality or… maybe just most of them. In theory if we went there again we could find out and maybe even return you to your reality, assuming it still exists. The Eye moved though, unfortunately, so that’s not possible.”

So Auri still couldn’t go see the Eye of the Universe. They were cursed. “It doesn’t matter anyway. My universe was ending and even if I could’ve fixed it the same way you apparently did, I couldn’t get there to do it so… it’s whatever. I took it out on my terms, like I wanted. It doesn’t matter.” The fact that they were the one who ended everyone and everything’s existence shouldn’t make a difference even if they did get to continue. And they only might’ve done that anyway. They could’ve instead just been rejected and forced out while their reality continued on as normal.

“I’m sorry,” Other-Auri said. The pity on their face almost made the idea of slapping them tempting. They might’ve if it were just the two of them. Auri didn’t need nor want their pity.

“Don’t be. I just said it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t. My universe was always doomed. The only thing that’s changed is I get to keep living past it. Even if I didn’t destroy it, the other me probably isn’t gonna let it keep going for much longer. Meaning I outlived the death of my universe. I win.” It didn’t feel like much of a victory but so what? A victory was still a victory no matter what it felt like. This was the best Auri was going to get. “And that’s one more mystery solved in the process, yay.”

The silence held for a long awkward moment as everyone looked away. Finally Other-Auri looked back up at them. “Yeah, another mystery solved, yay.” They put in the same kind of forced cheer Auri had. “But… what are you going do now?” Finally a thought that tracked more with Auri’s thinking.

“I don’t know. It’s been… a long time since I considered what I would do if I ever got out of the loops and survived it.”

“Well um, we’ll take you back to Timber Hearth. Me and Gabbro are helping with the new radio stuff. We had to upgrade it so we could communicate with the people working in the Stranger. Well… I’m helping with that, Gabbro’s mostly just hanging out.”

“I’m there to provide moral support.”

Apparently used to such interruptions, Other-Auri continued. “So you could come help out too. Presumably we have similar skill sets. Having another trained astronaut around can’t hurt.”

“I guess, yeah.” Having something to do would probably be good. A distraction and it’d be something new. New was… not always good as proven by how they’d got here, but a new that didn’t bring pain was always good. “I don’t think my ship came with me.” The realization stung. It had been with them for so much. Some of it good, some bad, but it rarely failed them as a companion. And when it did, it had most often been them making an mistake, thus it was more Auri failing it.

“That shouldn’t be a huge problem,” Chert said. “Auri ferries Gabbro and Riebeck around sometimes already. One more person to add to that list can’t hurt.”

“Also, you probably need a different nickname,” Riebeck added. “Having two Auris is bound to get confusing after a while, especially if you do start working with us.”

And of course since Auri was the outsider, the one who’d maybe, probably destroyed their reality and got dumped into this one, it made sense they’d take the name change. “‘Chalcite’ would probably work, right?” They’d take the second half of their full name while their alternate kept the first. It would take a while to get used to but probably everything about this new reality would. “I’m gonna return to my nap now though. Or uh… I guess, if you wanna leave for Timber Hearth now, that’s fine.” They didn’t have the energy to care where they slept. The sleeping bag would be preferable but their alternate’s ship would probably be fine too. It’s not like they’d have to worry about steering it.

“Nah,” Gabbro said. “Go get some sleep. There’s no rush. Let us know if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” Auri went past them and back into the tent. Blessedly no one followed. They were alone. As was normal… or what had been normal for a long time now. They’d destroyed their normal. There was no going back.

Normal had been bad for a while though. They’d been coasting on inertia, too scared to let the universe end. So this was good. Things were better even if it didn’t really feel that way because they’d destroyed their universe. Or maybe they hadn’t, they would never know for sure. Probably it was better that way.

With a sigh, they crawled back into the sleeping bag. After they were properly rested and recovered, things should start looking up. Hopefully anyway.

[decks-writing-blog]

Broke the Fabric of Space Time: Chapter 2/3: Didn't Make Sense

Chapter One

~

The sound of the river came to them first. Peaceful and gentle, they clung to it, pulled themself towards it. And then they could feel it moving around them, buoying their body up as its current pushed them along. Opening their eyes summoned the light. It wasn’t abnormally bright but it pierced into their skull anyway.

A halo of otherworldly colours danced around their vision. It was fading though. As it did the world around them became more and more coherent until it was fully real and solid once more. A relief! Everything was back where it should be.

They were in the Stranger, floating on their back down the river. Early in the loop too, judging based off the leisurely speed of the current.

The loop reset? It didn’t bring them back but instead just… transferred them or something? Why? How? … Auri needed to get out of the river before they reached the rapids.

With no small amount of effort, they rolled over. Moving sent spikes of pain through their head, bringing nausea. Their entire body felt like it had been flattened by a rolling pin and dropped into a boiling pot for stew. Better than it had been before but that didn’t mean they weren’t going to throw up. Land first though.

Luckily they were nearing the end of the first village area. Before the wave came there was that nice low bit of land with the boat on it, right before the rapids. They swam towards it even before rounding the bend. It was a pathetic effort and likely they would’ve drowned if not for the suit, but combined with the river’s natural tendency to sometimes push floating stuff against that bit of land, it got them there.

Limbs shaking with the effort, they dragged themself up it as far out of the water as they could get themself lest they slide back in. Raising to sit up as far as they could, they fumbled with their helmet’s release. They managed to twist it off just in time as upon ripping it off their head they were already heaving.

They hadn’t eaten anything in a while, leaving them with nothing to bring up but foul tasting bile. Which only made them gag and heave again. They did so three more times before their body finally seemed to accept that throwing up wasn’t going to do anything to relieve whatever was wrong with them. In fact, it made them feel worse. Before they’d been able to crawl a short distance. Now though, just moving away from their meager puddle of sick was about all they could manage.

What was wrong with them? The loop had reset obviously but why it had left them like this? Because they’d been brought back physically? Not just their memories. It didn’t make sense. It shouldn’t work like that, right? Nothing made sense and their head hurt too much to dwell on it. They needed a nap. Lying on their side, face partially in the mud as the river lapped at their feet and legs wasn’t a good spot for it but they didn’t really have a better choice. They’d figure out what happened later.

“Auri? Is that you? I thought I heard… are you okay?”

They flinched back from their doze. It was impossible for anyone to be here. It was too early in the loop for even Other-Auri to have made the journey. And that voice wasn’t even theirs. It had sounded like Riebeck.

Moving sucked but… they flopped over onto their back anyway. A very uncomfortable position thanks to the jet pack and other gear on their back but it allowed them to tilt their head back and see that Riebeck was indeed standing on the small cliff overlooking this bit of shore, looking down at them. They had their helmet off too but their expression was impossible to read upside down.

“Auri?” they said again. “Are you okay?”

It was impossible for Other-Auri to have flown to Brittle Hollow, convinced Riebeck to go on an adventure with them, and then come here. Unless it was later in the loop than Auri thought. But why would they have done so anyway? Sure, sometimes they did that with all the Ventures’ members. Taking them to the Stranger in particular was always fun no matter the astronaut in question. But Auri had been there, done that with each of them several times now. Also after what happened last time why would Other-Auri randomly decide to do that now? It didn’t make sense.

Riebeck stepped down. “I didn’t know you were even here. I would’ve thought you’d come through the main entrance. We didn’t see you come in.”

What was going on? Riebeck didn’t expect them here? Other-Auri should’ve been the one that brought them because there was no possible way they’d brought themself. What was going on?

“No, I’m uh… not okay.” Their voice croaked painfully. The screaming had left their throat rough and raw.

“Oh dear, um… uh… are you injured? How bad is it?” Riebeck shuffled nervously as they wrung their gloved hands. “Can you walk? What happened?”

“Too many questions.” Auri was too out of it to try to come up with a way to answer all of them at once.

“Okay um… can you walk?”

“Uh… even if I could, I don’t think I want to.”

“Okay then I’ll…” They stepped closer but stopped. “What if moving you makes it worse though? But I can’t leave you either, can I?” After another moment’s hesitation, they stepped closed again and crouched down beside Auri. “What happened?”

How did Auri even begin to explain it? The world broke. No, not the world, the universe. Or maybe it was just Auri who broke. Everything had been wrong. But here was whatever this was and it seemed… not normal but real. How? Nothing made sense. “I think I just need to sleep it off for a bit. Um… some water and pain reliever too would be nice too.”

“Look, I’m not a doctor so I’m not expert or anything but… it’s possible moving you can make it worse, depending on what’s wrong exactly. So I’d like to know what happened so I can have at least some idea on if it’s safe to pick you up and carry you or if I should go get help from base camp.”

“Base camp?” Every new detail made less and less sense.

“I’m uh… starting to think that you might’ve hit your head.”

“I don’t think so.” Though could they really be sure of that with how much it hurt? “Just… leave me here. Let me sleep.”

“If you hit your head, you shouldn’t sleep.”

Auri didn’t care. They closed their eyes. Nothing made sense and their head felt as if it were filled with ghost matter. Maybe when they woke up it would all prove to be a wretched dream.

Except they weren’t even allowed to drift off as what could only be Riebeck’s arms were moving under them to to scoop them up into the air. Maybe they were trying to be gentle but it sure didn’t feel gentle as the movement jostled their headache. They might’ve thrown up again if they’d had anything to bring up.

“I guess we’re just going to have to risk it because I can’t leave you like this,” Riebeck said as they started moving. “You’re not dying, right? Please tell me you’re not dying.”

No, Auri wasn’t dying. They had enough experience with what dying felt like to know that as bad as this was, it wasn’t fatal. If left out somewhere, they were weak enough that exposure would kill them quickly. But the Stranger’s atmosphere was safe and temperate, meaning it posed no threat. Also, Riebeck wasn’t likely to leave them to die even if Auri had asked them to. And while dying would reset them back to the start of the loop, they still had some semblance of shame and thus they wouldn’t even ask. “Just need to sleep, please. And water. Water would be nice.” They would be hungry eventually too but not yet.

“Okay. Okay. We can do that. You’re gonna be all right.” It didn’t matter that Riebeck was worried. They’d forget all about this next loop. But the concern in their voice and attempt at being reassuring still stirred something in Auri. Whether it was a good or bad feeling was hard to tell, probably a little of both. “I’m not a doctor but uh, I do know my way around a medkit. You know, just in case something happens… like this, I guess. See? Not all my worries are unfounded. It’s quite normal to be scared of space actually. It’s dangerous. You all are the ones who are crazy for not being more careful.”

Riebeck kept talking, their voice becoming a pleasant background element, not unlike the sound of the river. Auri let themself float on it, not quite drifting off all the way. The movement of Riebeck’s walking jostled their aching head too much for sleep to be possible.

Eventually the motion stopped which combined with the change in Riebeck’s tone was enough to pull Auri back down. “Chert, Auri’s hurt. I think they might’ve hit their head.”

“Uh… what?” That was certainly Chert’s voice replying. Why were they here too? Though, at this point, what was the point of questioning things anymore. Nothing made sense.

“Auri’s hurt,” Riebeck repeated. “I found them on that bit of shore down past the village, right before the rapids. I talked to them but they seemed confused and not well so… I carried them back. They said they just want to sleep it off and get some water but I want to check them over anyway and then… we might want to take them home for a real doctor to look at. Help me take their suit off?”

As they spoke, they began moving again. A few steps and then they were they were placing Auri down on the ground. It wasn’t soft but that hardly mattered, it was nice to lay still again at last.

“Huh? Weird. That’s definitely Auri but…” Chert’s voice was closer now, “I was just on the radio with them. The connection still wasn’t great so it probably needs a bit more work but I was talking to Auri. Hornfels and Gabbro were there too. If it was just Gabbro, this might’ve been prank but… Hornfels wouldn’t do that. Meaning they were almost certainly on Timber Hearth. So how are they here now?”

“Um… that’s really weird. Maybe they found another Nomai teleport? … Except that doesn’t make sense because the Nomai didn’t know about this place. Are you sure you were talking to Auri?”

“Yes. They were the main one speaking. Hornfels wouldn’t sign off on that kind of prank so there’s almost no way it wasn’t them.”

Auri could open their eyes and try to explain the loops and the black hole in the Ash Twin Project that they’d gone through and how and why it resulted in there being two of them but it would take so much effort. Putting in that effort when they were so tired and it’d be forgotten soon wasn’t worth it.

“We’ll radio Timber Hearth again later to ask them about this,” Riebeck said, breaking the silence and sounding as if they reached some kind of decision. “They’re not doing well so help me get the suit off so we can look them over and wrap them in a dry blanket.”

“Hmm… okay.”

Before either of them could touch them, Auri opened their eyes and sat up… or tried to anyway. They didn’t make it very far before the spike of pain the sudden movement sent through their head had them groaning as they let themself fall back down the handful of centimeters they’d managed to rise. “No need to take if off. Just let me sleep, please.”

Riebeck and Chert stood over them. Chert was all the way out of their suit, a state Auri had never seen them in before. Or if they had it was so long ago, they didn’t remember it. They were in what seemed to be a research tent too, based off the science equipment taking up much of the available space. Why and how was this all here?

“You’re awake,” Chert said.

“That’s probably good,” Riebeck added. “Clearly something’s wrong with you though so… I would like to look you over for injuries if I could. Also, you’re wet and we would like to keep the sleeping bags dry if possible. Mostly it’s the injury thing though. If it’s super urgent then… we should take you home to a doctor. Which would mean putting you back in the suit so… maybe we shouldn’t take it off. Maybe we should just take you home. Or Chert should. I could technically but um… you know.”

“I’m not dying or injured. I didn’t hit my head. I just need sleep, some pain killer and some water and I’ll be good as new.” They just had to make it to the end of the loop and then… actually no. What if whatever happened at the end of last loop happened again? What if that’s just how loops were going to end for them from now on?

The thought brought a whimper to their throat. They tried to swallow it but failed. Just thinking about it had their heart pounding, making their head throb in rhythm with it. They couldn’t go through that again. It was the worst thing they’d ever experienced. Which was saying something because they’d experienced some pretty awful things thanks to the loops.

“I’m fine,” they forced out. A lie but one they needed right now. They had three days to figure out if that was going to happen again. If they felt it would, they’d make sure it didn’t. “Radio the other me, tell them to come here. I need to talk to them.” They would know what was going on, right? “I’ll sleep until they get here.”

A beat or two of silence passed before Riebeck and Chert jerked back into motion. Riebeck went for the medkit while Chert unhooked their canteen from around their belt to hand to Auri. “So there’s two of you then?”

With help from Chert, Auri sat up enough to accept it. “Yeah. They’ll explain. I can’t, I’m too uh… tired. I just need some rest.”

Riebeck returned with the bottle of pain pills from the medkit. Auri would’ve liked a double dose but was only handed the normal two. Whatever. Anything was better than nothing. They downed them with the water from Chert’s canteen. It tasted vaguely metallic as all such water does but it was heavenly nonetheless. They drank the whole thing.

“Thanks,” they said as they handed the empty bottle back. “And uh… I think I actually would like the suit off.” A dry blanket was too nice to say ‘no’ to.

Unable to stand, they needed some help from Chert and Riebeck but the water and brief rest on the way here had revived them enough that they could mostly get it off by themself even if it did take a while. They were then submitted to a brief examination during which Riebeck predictably found no injuries. A warm wet washcloth was used to wipe the mud off their face too which was quite welcome.

“What happened to make you sick or… whatever this is?” Riebeck asked as Chert left to get one of the sleeping bags from outside.

“I don’t know. There were colours that shouldn’t exist and everything felt wrong and… I don’t know what happened.” Not knowing should’ve been good because finally something new was happening. But it had just been so awful and left them feeling like a wrung out dishrag and there was a non-zero chance it would happen again at the end of this loop. If that was how loops were going to end for them now then they’d take out the Warp Core and let everything end. They’d already been thinking about doing so for a while now anyway.

“It’ll be okay. We’ll sort this out, I’m sure.” Riebeck patted them on the shoulder with casual affection. Yet another strange thing – they barely knew each other – but at least even if it didn’t make sense, it was nice.

Chert returned with the promised sleeping bag and laid it out next to Auri. “Here. Get some rest while I’ll go radio Timber Hearth again and let them know you’re here. Hopefully then we can get some answers.” They weren’t demanding them from Auri but instead respecting their request for sleep.

Why were the two of them being so nice? They weren’t friends. Yeah, they were good people but… they were being too kind, weren’t they? Auri didn’t have the energy to dwell on it. Instead they crawled into the sleeping bag. Dry and soft, it started to pull them towards sleep before they were even full settled into it.

~

Next Chapter

[decks-writing-blog]

Broke the Fabric of Spacetime: Chapter 1/3: No Regrets?

Summary: Other-Auri decides to see what happens if they don't go through the black hole at the end of the loop again.

~

“If we leave now we should be able to make it back to Ash Twin in time for me to go through the black hole again,” Other-Auri said from where they sat against what was currently the raft’s rearmost steering pole.

Auri had just been about to voice that thought. They’d only put it off because they were currently in charge of steering the raft and needed to dodge what had once been a walkway. It was weird talking to oneself. “Or we could both go through and see if it results in another us.”

“I was thinking that too.”

“How many versions of us do you think we could fit on the ship?”

“Depends on how comfortable we are with ourself.”

A beat of silence, filled only by the the rush and splash of the river beneath them, passed before they spoke in accidental unison. “Not very many then.” It was cool to hang out with themself but also strange. A bad kind of strange. Other-Auri talked too much which meant Auri did too because they were the same person other than Other-Auri having woken up on Timber Hearth at the start of this loop. Meaning every flaw Auri found in them was a mirror of their own flaws. Which was too awkward to talk about so they weren’t going to.

Instead they said, “How freaked out would everyone be if we showed up back at Timber Hearth with five of us?”

“I was thinking six. But probably a lot. This is dangerous.”

They’d been over the danger of this multiple times. Before going through the black hole, Auri had considered the danger. Not for long because the window to make the decision had been mere minutes. If they had had endless time to consider though they’d likely have still gone through anyway. They’d long since stopped caring about danger. “The safest thing would be for you go through.”

“And then commit to spending the rest of eternity going through it again at the end of every single loop, limiting what I can do even further. No thanks. If this destroys the universe it won’t matter. It’s just a different end, no worse or better than the one it’s currently going through.” The bitterness in their voice mirrored Auri’s own perfectly.

Their quest to reach the Eye of the Universe ended at the discovery of the Eye Tracking Module being too damaged in its fall to be able to slide the ball to the terminal that would presumably display the coordinates. Fixing it wasn’t possible in the time they had left upon reaching it. Even just getting the materials to try down there took a lot of time and effort, leaving even less time to enact repairs. Leaving them with two options; let the universe end and die with it or keep the loops going and relive the last three days at the end of everything forever. This provided another option though, finally. If this time travel stunt of theirs ripped apart the fabric of spacetime then so be it. At least they were going out on their own terms. And they weren’t going out alone even if their own company hardly felt as comforting as they’d have liked. No one else remembered the loops though, no one else understood.

“We’re committed then.” They’d meant to phrase it as a question but it didn’t come out sounding like one. “We’re gonna find out what happens.”

“I’m curious about what would happen if we did both go through the black hole but…”

“I don’t really care anymore,” Auri finished for them at their slight pause. “I want to know what happens if we create a time travel paradox.”

Normally such a conversation would’ve been an internal debate before reaching their decision. There were two of them though and thus they’d had it out loud instead. An interesting experience and interaction. It was like talking to the voice in their head. More such experiences would perhaps be interesting if not nice but… if this was going to ultimately be their end, might as well just accept it and see what happened. If the loops continued after this one they’d see what happened if they both went through the black hole at the end.

Other-Auri stood. “You want me to take over steering for a while?”

“Uh… sure.” Auri sat where they’d just been seated. They’d been floating around on the river for a while now, might as well spend the rest of the loop the same way. It was a peaceful way to spend what might be their final hours.

~

Another couple hours went by, sealing their decision. Getting back to Ash Twin in time to change their mind would’ve required a faster ship than theirs.

“No regrets?” Auri asked as Other-Auri turned to face them.

“Ha, I just was about to ask that. But yeah, no regrets from me. What about you?” As if they even needed to ask. Auri hadn’t really needed to either of course but it felt good to talk about anyway.

“Nope.”

“Good,” both of them said in unison.

~

Neither of them were able to fully commit to comfortable silence, resulting in pointless chatter. It was nice to talk to someone who understood though even if their thoughts and feelings about everything matched. Rafting around the river and talking about nonsense wasn’t a bad way to spend what might be their final loop.

Eventually the end began, rendering both of them silent. Whether they literally felt something inside themself as the sun got ready to explode or they’d been in the loops so long, they just knew when the countdown had mere minutes left on it, they could no longer be sure of. Either way didn’t matter, even so far from it, they could feel the sun getting ready to die.

The river continued to flow though and so they continued watching to make sure the raft didn’t bump any debris. Which so late in the loop meant mostly just avoiding the clogged channel where most of the flotsam got stuck. It was quite a ways back though and thus not something they needed to worry about. Leaving them to just stand there and wait.

Other-Auri stood too. “This is it, huh?”

“Maybe. If it is, this was a cool experience. If not, I guess I’ll be seeing you again… possibly. What if it just merges us or something? Sends both our memories back?”

“That would be anticlimactic and thus would suck. It might be interesting though, having both sets of memories.”

“So I guess it’ll be interesting no matter what but… I hope that doesn’t happen. If it does though we should try making more copies of ourself next time.”

“Maybe a bad idea but yeah, fuck it, who cares?”

Somewhere far away, the sun exploded. The sound of the river didn’t literally change but it seemed quieter anyway. Too far from the supernova to be hit by it, they were safe here. It’s why they liked the Stranger so much; they rarely died on it. Maybe that’s why they’d made the unspoken decision to come here after Other-Auri got Auri out of the Ash Twin Project. It was a nice place to have their final death. Assuming that was going to happen anyway. They would know soon.

The supernova would be spreading, destroying the planets one by one. Auri had seen it hundreds of times at least but it might very well be their last, in which case they’d have liked to see it one last time. Too late now.

“We should’ve gone somewhere we could…” Auri began speaking in near unison with Other-Auri. Both of them cut off though as everything broke.

Auri’s view of the world around them shifted as everything around them became a whirling dance of new, impossible colours they’d never seen before and could never hope to describe. Pain came with it, ripping the very fabric of their being apart.

“Oh gosh, are you okay?” Other-Auri’s voice was distant as Auri fell. Not even to their knees but all the way to their side. The raft beneath them felt distant as if it were a ghost or perhaps they were. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much; they died somehow.

They screamed as it got worse, their voice wrong in their own throat. Every single atom that made up their being screamed with a wrongness so intense they would’ve gladly erased themself from reality to escape it. No such escape was coming though. They writhed against it, maybe still screaming, maybe not, it was impossible to tell.

Other-Auri spoke again, their voice too far away to make out this time.

The pain and the wrongness became everything. A kaleidoscope of colours that couldn’t and shouldn’t exist made up the entire universe. Auri’s eyes were closed, opening them changed nothing. Did they even have eyes anymore or a body? Had they ever? Was that sound them screaming or something else entirely? If they had no throat how could they scream? If they had no body how could they be in pain? How could the wrongness of their atoms assert itself?

They shouldn’t exist. Didn’t want to. Not if this was existence. But they did. Hopefully soon they wouldn’t anymore.

~

Next Chapter

[decks-writing-blog]

One Could Theoretically

Summary: Auri has a theory that all Bramble seeds, no matter where they are in the universe, connect.

[A/N] Remember the Elsinore Easter Egg in Dark Bramble? It's probably not intended to be canon but the idea of it being so is interesting so I wanted to write something based on it. I don't know anything about Elsinore though so I decided to send them somewhere else since I figure if there's a seed that leads to Elsinore and however far away in the galaxy that might be, there could easily be more that lead to other places. I wasn't sure where to send them at first but then I was reminded of Subnautica and it's perfect because it's also a game that involves exploring alien places. I also found the idea of them finding Ryley's base to be funny because they way I played Subnautica is that I liked picking things up but didn't like throwing anything away, resulting in me having lots of cabinets full of mostly titanium ore. Anytime I wanted to craft something I had to check like at least three cabinets before finding what I needed.

Also, this is mostly an Outer Wilds fic, no Subnautica characters show up. You could probably read it and understand just fine without having played Subnautica. It's a post loop AU for Outer Wilds and either end game or post game for Subnautica.

~

The seed on Timber Hearth that had connected directly to Dark Bramble despite the vast physical distance between the two had been appropriately enough the seed for the hypothesis. Auri’s discovery of a seed leading to a room of obvious alien origin – sadly only accessible to the Little Scouts – didn’t quite confirm it but it did lend more credence to it. The original seed that had resulted in Dark Bramble hatching from what had once been Outer Wilds’ sixth planet – fifth if one was counting the Hourglass Twins as a single entity – should still connect to its originator. Every seed, no matter how far flung, connected through that foggy, impossible space within. “Meaning, one could theoretically fly into the Dark Bramble seed in our solar system and come out a different seed in a whole other system light years away,” Auri had said when insisting they be allowed on their current expedition.

They’d come and gone many times since then, often staying away for extended lengths of time. Such was normal, the flight to Dark Bramble by itself was too long to be considered a quick jaunt. This was the longest they’d been gone though.

Worrying about them would do Gossan no good. Thanks to the time loop they’d supposedly been stuck in for the equivalent of years, they were quite experienced with space travel. The year they’d had since ending the loop and renewing the universe at the Eye had given them plenty of time to prove that. They knew what they were doing out there. Such had been the case with Feldspar too though.

Feldspar had known what they were doing and their outings had grown longer and longer as they’d ventured further and further until eventually they stopped coming back altogether. Experience and know-how didn’t make one immune to mistakes or misfortune. And Auri, also like Feldspar, had always been a bit reckless. Having recognized that early, Gossan had tried to train it out of them. But then the loop happened and seemingly just reinforced their reckless tendencies with a ‘safety doesn’t matter because everything resets at the end of three days anyway’. Or maybe Gossan’s attempts to attempts to instill caution into them had been doomed to fail regardless.

Still though, there wasn’t much good to be had worrying. At least, unlike with Feldspar, they all knew where Auri had gone. That would make search efforts – hopefully it wouldn’t come to that – easier to conduct, making the likelihood of finding them higher.

With some effort, Gossan tore their eyes off the sky and its over abundance of stars – even after a year the sheer amount of stars could be staggering to look upon at times – and turned back to head into the cabin. Inside, Feldspar sat on the couch, seemingly waiting for their return.

“I thought you were sleeping,” they said for want of what else to say and because that’s where Gossan had left them; asleep in the bed.

Feldspar shrugged. “Eh, I’m not really all that tired. I think I might be starting to get bored of this ‘being part of ground control’ thing.” Meaning they’ll be wanting to hop in their repaired and upgraded ship and go off exploring again, leaving Gossan with two people to worry about dying in space. “What about you? Why you up?”

There’d been a time in Gossan’s life in which they would’ve been hesitant to openly admit their anxieties. They were too old for that though. “I’m worried about Auri. They’ve been gone a long time.”

“They’re fine. They’ve ventured to and survived places even I’ve never been to.”

“Yeah, they’re a lot like you; they’re a damn good pilot and they know what they’re doing.” Gossan crossed their arms as they gave Feldspar a pointed look that hopefully got across their point that that was part of the problem without them having to say it out loud. Feldspar’s decade long disappearance wasn’t something they discussed often but it frequently showed up as a mountain in the room with them. It’s why they’d agreed to Gossan’s suggestion they join in as part of ground control for at least a little while.

Feldspar grimaced, indicating they understood. “Fair point. Want me to go look for them?”

“No.” The last thing Gossan wanted for them to potentially get stuck in Dark Bramble again too. “Thanks for offering but Hornfels will probably send someone soon.” Gossan would insist on it if Auri didn’t turn up in the next week or two. “Probably Gabbro if I had to guess.” Gabbro was often given odd jobs and was Auri’s ‘time buddy’.

“I’m sure they’re fine.” Feldspar’s tone was less dismissive this time, making their words far more successful at being reassuring than their previous attempt to brush Gossan’s concerns off. “They probably found what they’re looking for or something else cool and are just taking a while to come back because they’re too distracted exploring.”

“That would be just like them, huh?”

“Also, time goes slower in the Bramble. It’s not been as long for them as it’s been for us.”

More and more reasons for Gossan to not be worried. They couldn’t help it of course but Auri probably was fine. “True.”

Feldspar stood and stretched. “Now, since neither of us are sleeping tonight after all, let’s go for a walk. We could stop by the Observatory to see if there’s any news. Then after we could stop by Porphy’s place.”

It’s not like Gossan had anything better to do currently. So, wordlessly, they followed Feldspar back outside. A walk should do them some good. And who knows maybe there would be news that Auri had radioed in that they were on their way back.

A week later

In classic Auri fashion, they didn’t radio in about their impending return even though they were supposed to. They just flew in and landed on the launch platform.

Already in the area, Gossan pivoted to meet them at the campfire at the bottom of the elevator. Turns out they weren’t alone though, they’d brought Gabbro too – meaning Gabbro had once again abandoned their ship to ride with Auri. That meant Auri had found something though; they weren’t returning in defeat this time. They always went to Gabbro first before bothering to tell anyone else anything, let alone properly report their findings. Another habit the loop had ingrained in them that they were putting seemingly no real effort into breaking.

As soon as the elevator clunked into place at the bottom, Auri hopped off and pranced over to Gossan, a barely held in grin on their face. They had indeed found something then. “Gossan! Look at this.” They held up a loosely rolled piece of paper, letting it unfurl as they held it up and pointed at it with their other hand.

“Hello to you too.” Tempting as it was to chastise them for not radioing in as soon as they were in range to do so, Gossan wasn’t going to bother yet. Later they might but for now it was good to see them safe and sound. Also curiosity about what Auri had deemed important enough to bring back was too strong to put off.

Auri held a poster depicting art of an alien creature. It was two eyed like the Stranger’s inhabitants but that’s were the similarities ended. The simple art style rendered its body into a blob or perhaps the creature it was depicting was just like that. It had a tail, pointed ears, and seemed to be covered in fur. A glass helmet covered its head. Or maybe that was part of its body that just looked like a helmet. Alien script, neither Nomai nor Stranger sat beneath it.

“You found another alien race?” That was Feldspar coming up behind Gossan, speaking their thought almost exactly. First the Stranger and now this. Auri apparently had a knack for that kind of thing. Granted they’d been looking to access another solar system this time but what where the chances they’d end up in one that contained intelligent alien life? It had to be low unless the stars were brimming with life. Which maybe they were, that’d be pretty neat.

“Yep. Sort of anyway. Well, I did find aliens but none of them seemed intelligent. They were freaky fish. The beings that made this and the building I found it in weren’t present. But it’s cool, right?”

“Very.” Gossan was impressed. “I take it this means you proved your Bramble theory.”

“Yes! At first I thought I just ended up back in Outer Wilds again ‘cause it looked like Dark Bramble but then I realized it actually didn’t. The shape was wrong and I couldn’t pull up the map. And then I looked around some more and the sun and planets were all different. I don’t know if that’s the seed that spawned Dark Bramble or not but its connected for sure.

“I thought about going back immediately but it’s a long flight. So I went to one of the planets first. Just for a quick look and I actually stuck to it being quick this time. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s unlike me, but I promise I was gone so long because of how long the journey to get there and back was. I’m basically outta fuel by the way. Anyway the planet I landed on was a lot like Giant’s Deep; mostly ocean, but it wasn’t stormy and I didn’t see a single cyclone.

“After some surface level exploring, I found an empty living space in a shallow area. It seemed too small to be a village but I’m not sure. Inside was lots and lots of shelves filled with lots and lots of stuff, mostly metal ore. It was weird. That’s where I found this.” They gestured with the alien poster still in their hand. “It seemed important and I thought it looked kinda cute in an strange alien sort of way so I took it off the wall to show everyone as proof I found something. I wanted to explore more, especially since there was a big something in the distance but I wanted to keep it quick so I didn’t even though it hurt to leave. I remember the way back though. It’s in my ship log. I can find it again.” They’d talked so fast they were now almost out of breath.

“You uploaded your log to Observatory computer?” Gossan asked because they still needed to be reminded to do so sometimes.

“Yes. I wanna go back and explore properly. Maybe with a team to help. It’s a whole new solar system and uh… the trip there is kinda lonely.” They looked back at Gabbro who settled into leaning against the elevator’s strut, indicating who exactly they’d been missing the most. They turned back to Gossan. “We could set up a base camp on one of the planets and like… I don’t know. I just really wanna go back and explore properly.”

“That’s gonna be up to Hornfels to decide.” As part of ground control Gossan had a say too but Hornfels had always been the leader for a reason.

“A whole new solar system to explore though,” Feldspar said with a chuckle, “there’s no way they’re gonna say ‘no’ to that.”

True there was almost no way they’d say no. Gossan didn’t want them to. This was Outer Wilds Ventures’ next big break. They’d conquered their solar system now it was apparently time to explore even further. A way past the void surrounding their system had finally been found. That was far too exciting an opportunity for anyone to not wish to explore.

~

After much discussion it was decided that they were send a team to explore the new system. Auri naturally would be part of it and the leader. Gabbro would go too both to keep Auri company and to explore the possibility of quantum stuff being present in that solar system too. After their comment about starting to get bored of being part of ground control, it wasn’t the least bit surprising when Feldspar volunteered to go too. Hornfels only hesitated for a moment before agreeing to let them.

“I can go too,” Gossan said, speaking up before giving it much thought. “I’m not exactly training anyone right now and I’m not much help ‘round here these days. So I can hitch a ride with someone and help out with stuff out there.” That would mean leaving Porphy here to worry the way Gossan otherwise would’ve but surely they’d understand. Gossan was sick of being an extra wheel around ground control.

“I was thinking about asking Slate to come,” Auri said. “There’s a lot of metal ore and stuff in that living space I found that I think they might be able to do something with.”

Gossan shrugged. “That’s fine. We’ll just hitch a ride in different ships.” Plus, they’d been getting along better for a while now. Their big falling out had been related to Feldspar’s vanishing after all so with Feldspar back, it was easier to get along again even if they weren’t quite back to being proper friends. An extended trip to another solar system would either get them the rest of the way there or would solidify that as not being possible.

“All right then,” Hornfels said. “Three ships and five people, if Slate does agree to go, seems like a good number to send. I’m a bit jealous actually but…” They looked around at the museum surrounding them, “I should stay here.”

“You could come too,” Gabbro suggested. “Leave Hal in charge here.”

“Hmm… maybe next time. I wouldn’t want to foist that upon Hal without ample warning.”

~

A lot more discussion happened, mostly about how long they could/should stay out there before coming back and how much supplies they would need for that. And then there was the prep stage that started with Auri and Gabbro going to retrieve the latter’s ship from the Quantum Moon but was mostly packing supplies. After deciding to go and finding no regret in themself for that decision, the delay was a bit frustrating but it was important so Gossan didn’t complain.

Finally the day came though when they left. Gossan rode with Feldspar and Slate rode with Auri. Upon reaching Dark Bramble, Auri’s ship took the lead, Feldspar’s close behind and Gabbro in the rear. At Gossan’s insistence before they’d even left Timber Hearth, they stayed connected through radio and Auri double checked each node with the Scout to make sure it wasn’t an Angler before approaching.

It was tense at first but quickly grew boring. Everything looked the same through the cockpit window. Endless fog, the occasional light or root raising up out of it. Some of the lights moved though, making it impossible to forget where they were.

“You really spent a decade in this place?” Gossan asked, unable to bring their voice above a whisper.

“Apparently so,” Feldspar answered, their tone not at all reverent. “It felt like only three or four though. Time gets weird in here.”

“And they liked it,” Auri added through the radio.

Feldspar chuckled. “Yeah, I did. It was nice and I thought you’d all be fine without me for a couple years but then you know, it was a lot longer than that.”

“It’s still weird that you liked it at all,” Auri insisted. “This place is awful.”

“Coming from the fella who insisted on exploring it,” Gabbro said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know but only because I knew it connected to other parts of the galaxy. And I was right. We’re almost halfway there by the way.”

“Only halfway?” Slate sounded just as incredulous as Gossan felt. They’d been in here long enough that they’d already had to stop for a rest break once and that had been almost a day ago according to the clock.

“I told you it was a long way. We could probably go faster but I don’t want to risk getting too far ahead.”

~

Another rest and then a little more and they were suddenly out of the fog and surrounded by the blackness of space once more. Auri hadn’t even warned them. The vastness of the void was particularly jarring after that endless rolling fog.

“We’re here!” Auri sang over the radio after having let the change settle for a minute or so. “A whole new solar system!”

The planets that came into view as Feldspar rotate the ship were indeed new to Gossan. They’d known such would be the case when agreeing to come but… seeing it in person was something else entirely. They really had conquered the void surrounding their little system. A feat that had always seemed be something hearthians in the far distant future would accomplish on the back of what Ventures’ had started. But here it was right here and now. It was breathtaking in its beauty as well as in what it meant. Anywhere the originator of Dark Bramble had shot a seed, they could explore if they could just find the right path through the seed nodes to get there. How much that opened the universe up was still unknown but even just one more solar system available to them was a lot all by itself.

~

As discussed before they’d even left Timber Hearth, the first planet they visited was the ocean planet. It had breathable air without the need to plant their own trees around, making it a good place to set up base camp. Auri took them straight to the alien settlement in the shallows.

Set up on stilts, several of the buildings had what looked to be solar panels set up on the roof. It indeed wasn’t large though, indicating it wasn’t a proper village. There was however just enough roof space above the water for them to land their ships on even if it was just barely.

Upon entering through the front hatch, it seemed even smaller. Every wall had tall cabinets crowded in front of it. Other than the two doorways and an alien device on the wall to the right, there was only one gap between the storage cabinets. Auri went right up to, pulled out their alien poster, and hung it up. Presumably that’s where they’d initially found it, especially since the gap seemed perfectly made for it.

Apparently having zero qualms about going through others’ stuff, Slate immediately turned to one of the cabinets to start looking at its contents. They’d been invited because of the stuff in the cabinets but it still seemed a bit presumptuous to jump straight to rummaging. In the interest of keeping the peace though, Gossan would let it go for now.

Poster back on the wall, Auri stepped back to face the group. “I’m not sure how long this place has been empty for,” they said as they stepped back to face the group again. “And they left a lot of stuff in the cabinets, like a lot. So they might be back. Which would be cool.”

“It’s junk,” Slate said as they moved to rifle through a different cabinet. “So they might be content to just leave it.”

“We don’t know if it’s junk,” Auri said. “Maybe they kept so much stuff because it’s all important, valuable resources.”

“Correction; it’s not junk to us, we could definitely use some of this for something, I don’t know what yet though. But to whoever left all this here, they only kept it for the same reason I keep so many bits and bobs in my workshop. If it was important, they’d have organized it better. Also, I know a stash of raw building materials when I see it and that’s what all this is. I’d be willing to bet they refined some of this metal ore here to make this shelter.”

“So this place is a workshop?” Gabbro asked.

“Could be. I don’t know. There’s probably one nearby. This room in particular is probably just a storage shed.”

Feldspar had fallen into searching through one of the cabinets too. “I for one hope the alien who left all this stuff here comes back for it. Can you imagine meeting a real life living alien? Other than Solanum I guess, they only kinda count as alive. The Stranger’s people certainly don’t.”

Too curious to hold onto ‘the aliens who left this might still be around thus it was kind of rude to dig through their stuff’ feeling for much longer, Gossan gave in and walked over to check one of the cabinets too. Immediately it became obvious what Slate had meant. Inside was a mess of mostly metal ore with a smattering of other items here and there. Technically there might be an alien organization system at play here but… it didn’t look like it. It indeed had the vibe of stuff being shoved into drawers under the pretense that it might be useful one day so it was worth holding onto.

“If they do come back,” Gabbro said, “how likely are they to be bothered that we set up camp here?”

“Why would they be bothered?” Auri asked. “They’d probably be just as excited to meet us, right? I mean who wouldn’t be excited to meet even one alien but especially five. … Other than the Strangers anyway, most of them weren’t very nice. They’re outliers though… probably. Maybe we should find somewhere else to set up camp.”

“We’re probably fine to set up camp here,” Gossan said as they closed the cabinet and stepped back. “We should just be careful and wait a bit before messing with their stuff too much. If it seems like they’re never coming we’re free to experiment with it and figure out what it all is as we please. But if they do come back we can try to communicate with them to figure out what it’s supposed to be used for.”

“It’s decided then,” Feldspar said. “We camp here and wait to see if our friend comes back and if they don’t, their stuff is ours.”

[decks-writing-blog]

Don't Hurt Yourself

Summary: Auri decides to see how far they can push themself in an effort to increase their pain tolerance. Gossan interrupts them.

[A/N] For the Die Hard achievement I went in and out of the ghost matter patch at the edge of the village and the ship to hit the medkit for a full loop to really make sure I did enough damage to get it. So I had approximately 22 minutes of not a whole lot else going on and ended up dwelling on how what I was doing would translate into an in universe action and possible motivations for it. I settled on this and was compelled enough by the idea that I decided to write it.

And so that being the case Content Warning for graphic depiction of self harm, mentions of death and dying, including by suicide (in the context that it'll lead to the next loop but it's still a somewhat prevalent talking point).

~

Auri hadn’t died in literally every way there was to die. Far from it in fact. Most forms of illness and disease took far longer than three days to kill and the ones that killed faster weren’t exactly easy to come across otherwise everyone and everything would’ve died to them long ago. Old age was obviously off the table as well. And murder was rare, not that they had any desire to provoke anyone into murdering them if such was even possible in three days. Every way of dying other than those though, they had to have experienced at least once.

Burning. Suffocation. Drowning. Death on impact upon crashing. Trapped in their wreckage upon crashing and slowly, horribly dying from something else. Electrocution. Bleeding out. The specific kind of suffocation the vacuum of space provided, it was only the same in theory because it certainly felt very different. Destroyed by ghost matter. Swallowed whole and alive by an Angler – the definitive worst way to die. Falling and breaking seemingly every bone in their body, very rarely was it death on immediate impact, usually it took a few minutes. Crushed between raising sand and stone. Hit by one of Hollow Lantern’s fireballs, both in and out of the ship. Crushed by falling island. Failing to fix the ship’s reactor in time upon it taking damage and dying in the resulting explosion. Crushed by various falling objects. Parking their ship in the same spot a quantum object wanted to be in, resulting in another explosion. Flown into the sun by the autopilot. Fell into the sun while trying to manually board the Sun Station. Flown into Hollow’s Lantern by the autopilot. Tripped and busted their head open like an idiot. And of course if they managed to not die to any of that or some other bullshit they couldn’t currently bring to mind, most of the time, the supernova got them.

All very different ways and speeds of dying. Many of them had one thing in common though; they hurt. Sometimes only a little, often a lot though and often that pain went on and on for what felt like a small eternity. Often long before death came, Auri craved it. Only sometimes were they in a position during such moments to bring the end though. Often they had to sit and wait for it, suffering the whole while. Pain tolerance could be trained though, couldn’t it? If they could find their absolute limit, push themself as far as possible until they found the moment they couldn’t bear to live anymore and then force themself to go a little further, maybe those slow deaths, lying broken on the ground or trapped in their own wreckage wouldn’t be so bad.

Ghost matter was the obvious way to do that. Both because it hurt a lot but also because it would be a good chance to study it. Experimenting with it was unethical for obvious reasons thus no one knew much about it. It’d be one more mystery they’d get to solve. The only question was which patch of ghost matter to do it with?

Going through the ship log for the third time didn’t help them decide. They hadn’t bothered to note down where exactly patches of ghost matter were. Most of the ones they could remember off the top of their head weren’t in places they could hang out in without the suit. Not wearing the suit would harm the experiment side of it; couldn’t study the affects of it on their body when they couldn’t see their body. There was that spot on the Stranger but the closest mercy kill to that spot was the river. Drowning was one of the less awful ways to die but it was hard to force oneself to intentionally breath in water. The instinct to hold their breath always held until they literally couldn’t anymore. A faster, easier mercy option would be preferable. Like crawling into the ship, holding one button to fly up into space and then hitting another to eject themself and suffocate. Maybe not faster overall but the actual dying part would be.

Maybe they just shouldn’t do it this loop then. … Or at all. They could take a few loops to find a good spot and then decided if they really wanted to go through with it.

With a sigh, they turned away from the computer and returned to the pilot’s seat, pausing only for a moment to look at the suit before continuing on. They’d put it on when they got to wherever they were going this time. Their hands shook slightly as they buckled in, tightening the straps further to make up for the lack of the suit’s usual bulk. Which made them more uncomfortable but it didn’t matter, they could take it. Putting their hands on the controls they… didn’t take off as they instead stared out the window. It wasn’t visible from this angle but what about the small patch of ghost matter at the edge of the village?

There should be enough room to land the ship close enough to crawl to it if need be. And naturally, Auri wouldn’t need to put on the suit to interact with it. There was the risk of someone coming upon them doing their experiment though. Explaining it and how it was fine wouldn’t be easy, especially if under the duress of having already started the experiment. But the only people who ever really went there were a few of the hatchlings who liked to throw rocks into it and all of them hadn’t yet reached the age at which going multiple days without sleep was standard. Meaning at night time, that spot should be clear of others. It was basically perfect. All Auri would have to do was ditch their ship’s tracker somewhere and come back tonight and they’d be free to do as they pleased even change their mind if they wanted to. But for now, that was the plan.

~

True to predication and Auri’s limited knowledge of what this spot was like during the loop’s first night, no one was around. It was quiet and empty and remained so as the minutes ticked by. The ship wasn’t exactly a stealth vessel so no doubt its engines had been audible in the village even if they had made sure to approach from the opposite side but no one was coming to investigate. Auri could be trusted to take care of themself and the reason for their return would find its way to everyone who cared sooner or later so there was no need for anyone to go too far out of their way to ask them themself. That had always seemed to be the vibe anyway. And up here was pretty far out of the way, not even in the village, more next to it. No one was going to bother especially when the darkness made it more of a hassle. They were in the clear.

Taking a deep breath, they turned to look at the ghost matter. Not that there was anything to see. Just some rocks and the fence around it. It was there though. The camera next to it would provide proof if they so desired. Having that camera snap photos while they did their experiment would probably be wise, right? Alas, it wasn’t set up to be able to take pictures automatically. They had the Scout though. It also lacked the capacity for video and automatic picture taking but its controller could be used one handed. And its pictures could be saved to the ship’s computer which would remember through the loops. Making the experiment side of it stronger. And thus the itch to do it was just scientific curiosity and not… whatever else it might’ve been. They just wanted to know more about ghost matter.

Decision made, they returned to the ship for the Scout Launcher. Without the helmet’s display they wouldn’t be able to see any pictures they took but the cameras were easily visible and they had more than enough experience with it by now to know what its field of view would encompass. Before popping back out, they grabbed the suit’s scarf too; something to bite so they wouldn’t scream.

First they set up the Scout in front of where they intended to sit, turned to face them. Returning their attention to the fence, they put the controller down so they could remove two posts and the crossbeam connecting them. Easier said then done but they’d trained to lug the suit and equipment around even in heavier gravity and thus they had more than enough muscle to get the job done.

Slightly winded by their efforts, they sat down were the fence had once been; as close as they dared. A quick check confirmed they’d placed the fence pieces well out of the camera’s straight on sight line of them. Three more deep breaths and they shoved the scarf in their mouth. Then, grasping the Scout Launcher, they fiddled with its position until they found a comfortable way to hold it in their lap. Pressing the button that prompted the Scout to take a photo in a steady rhythm, they extended their other hand slowly towards the ghost matter.

At first nothing happened but then a familiar prickle hit their fingers. They jerked away. But no, they were here for a reason. Science and training their pain tolerance. All their most painful deaths could be blamed entirely on their own incompetence so really it was their fault they needed to do this. If they were less prone to getting into such trouble, they wouldn’t have to. Mostly it was for science though. A noble scientific sacrifice. That wasn’t much of a sacrifice at all because it would be undone. The time loop made them the perfect person to study ghost matter.

Resuming a steady rhythm on the controller, they forced themself to look at their other as they extended it towards the ghost matter once more. Slowly they inched it in until the prickle returned. They kept going this time though even when the prickle quickly heightened into pain.

The edges of the ghost matter became just visible to the naked eye as it interacted with their hand. A pretty glow dancing over their scales. It burned like a searing torch against their nerve endings. They didn’t stop though but kept pushing their hand in. They’d suffered worse after all.

Their scales changed in the moonlight, taking on a quality similar to the crystals that always accompanied ghost matter deposits. It started at their finger tips but spread down their hand and arm as they fought every instinct in their body telling them to pull away and kept pushing further instead. The steady press of the button in their other hand prompting the click of the Scout’s camera grew erratic as they struggled to breath. Biting the scarf, they whimpered around it. They still kept going though until there arm was extended straight out from their body, putting it in up to the elbow.

The crystallization spread. Their arm screamed at them to pull it back as it if would do any good. Holding themself there took all their self control. Deep breaths. They could do this. Meditating wasn’t possible when in so much pain but focusing on their breathing and timing their button presses with it helped even if it wasn’t by a lot. Slowly, they leaned into it, putting more of their arm into wretched ghost matter even as they had to blink through tears to be able to see anything.

It hurt like… well like ghost matter. A unique pain unlike any other. It felt like the supernova was in their veins, ripping them apart from the inside. This is what every single Nomai died of. They’d all experienced this wretched, horrid pain as their flesh was destroyed. There’d been no escape for them. Each and every single one of them had died suffering. If Auri was going to steal their work, they deserved to suffer too. Such was only right, wasn’t it?

Their hand shattered into a sprinkling of sparkling dust, leaving nothing but white bone, the fingers falling to the ground. A distant pain as their scales and flesh underneath had long since been destroyed. It was nothing compared to burning crawling up their arm as they leaned further and further into it. They were going to go all the way, weren’t they? Until it killed them. They were going to stick their head in it. Not yet though. First the rest of their arm and then maybe a leg and then…

“Aurichalcite!”

The use of their full name almost always meant they were in trouble. They flinched back, yanking their ruined, almost entirely crystallized arm back towards themself. Trying to bend it only broke it further, shattering the fragile crystal that had once been the flesh and scales around their forearm.

“What are you doing?” It was Gossan walking towards them, an unknown but frantic emotion in their three remaining eyes. Were they mad? … Of course they were mad. Who wouldn’t be mad?

Still biting the scarf, Auri let out a sob. They were still taking pictures, prompting continuous clicks from the Scout. With great effort, they stopped and pressed instead the button that would send their pictures to the ship’s computer before relaxing their hand… their only one now, and dropped the controller.

“What are you doing?” Gossan asked again as they reached them. They looked at Auri’s arm, their expression still unreadable. It was probably anger though because Auri was an idiot who couldn’t do anything right. “Why would you…” They trailed off.

With another great deal of effort, Auri pried their jaw open, letting the the scarf, now quite damp with their saliva and fallen tears, fall to their lap. “Science.” Their voice croaked. “Studying the… ghost matter. And upping my pain tolerance. A bonus… that was my first idea though actually. The science is the bonus. It’s fine though. I’ll kill myself and then it’ll stop hurting.” A quick trip to the ship and pressing a single button to take them into space and then the eject button would grant them mercy. Had they hit their limit yet though? Maybe. It would take some time to get up there though so they should go ahead and do it and then hang out until they couldn’t bear to anymore before hitting the eject.

Before they could do anything more than make that decision though, Gossan bent down and picked up, scooping them up to hold cradled to their chest. “Don’t you dare.”

Right, yeah. It looked bad from their perspective didn’t it. “It’s okay. I’m in a time loop.”

Gossan didn’t respond as they started walking. It had been a long time since Auri had been small enough to be carried around regularly. They wouldn’t have thought they missed it but the solidness of Gossan’s chest and arms holding and supporting them brought with it a sense of safety. Like they were small but Gossan could and would protect them. The rocking would’ve been nice too if not for how it jostled their arm, sending fresh spikes of pain through the searing cloud of fire their arm had become. “Where we going?”

“To get you some medical attention and then after that I… I don’t know. Clearly we need to have a talk or… or something.”

“Are you mad?”

“No.” Zero hesitation. They should be mad though, shouldn’t they? Even if it was hard to remember why at the moment. Maybe it was just Auri who was mad at themself. They should’ve known better than to do their experiment somewhere someone could interrupt. Now they had to try to explain it. Something they were already failing to do well. It was hard to think around the pain though and… did it even matter? Gossan wouldn’t remember this. No one but them would because they were certainly weren’t going to talk to Gabbro about it.

Speaking of Gabbro though, maybe they could mediate away the rest of the loop. Letting their head flop, they closed their eyes. All they had to do was breath, slow and steady, in and out. Most of the time they fell asleep which wasn’t how it was supposed to be done but it worked well enough.

The pain refused to fade into the background. It was almost as if the ghost matter had replaced their blood and scales with a burning fire. Focusing on anything past the cloud of it was nigh on impossible. Or maybe they were just bad at mediating. If they were good at it they wouldn’t have needed to try to train their pain tolerance in the first place.

So this was good then? They were forced to endure a wretched pain that wasn’t fatal. It was just their arm after all and the wound was essentially cauterized, preventing death via blood loss. Perversely it being what they were after wasn’t much of a comfort. It hurt too much and they needed it to stop. But they also needed the loops to stop and the sun to not explode and they weren’t getting any of that either. Besides, they’d done this to themself. They’d carved out their stream bed, now they had to let the water run its course. Their suffering was entirely their…

“Hornfels, Hal! I could use some help!” The emotion in Gossan’s shout finally connected the dots for what emotion was on their face. They were afraid, not for themself but for Auri. That was bad, they should be mad, not worried. Also bad, was who they were calling to.

Auri jerked their head back and opened their eyes. They were at the museum, standing in the entryway. “Don’t tell them.” It was bad enough that Gossan knew and thus was worried. Hornfels and Hal knowing as well would be just as bad. The only thing worse would be Gabbro knowing.

“It’s not exactly news we can keep from them. And I need help operating the log lift ‘cause I’d rather not put you down next to something you can jump off right now in case you decide to actually do it.”

If presented with a cliff and the chance to throw themself off it, Auri probably would be tempted. The fall to the lower level of the village from here probably wasn’t guaranteed to be fatal though… actually they knew for sure it wasn’t because they’d fallen down there before and had only injured themself. They hurt enough already without adding a broken leg or two to the tally.

Before they could say that though, Hornfels was coming around the corner. “What is it? What’s the…” They froze as their gaze found Auri hanging in Gossan’s arms. Naturally, Gossan and scooped them up so that their ghost matter destroyed right arm was on the outside, making it quite hard to miss, especially in the museum’s entry hall light.

Hal was right behind them. “What’s happening?” They too froze as soon as they saw Auri.

Before either of them or Gossan could find something to say, Auri cut in. “Sorry. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.” They’d forget next loop but for the rest of this one they’d all know what Auri had done and thus would feel bad about it. It was Auri’s fault for being stupid. “I didn’t mean… or I did but… please don’t tell Gabbro.” That was the only thing that could make this wretched scenario worse

“I need help with the lift and knocking on Rutile’s door if they’re inside,” Gossan said in the silence the followed their pathetic whining – it was hard not to sound pathetic with their arm screaming in pain. “I’d rather not put them them down for uh… reasons.” Was it courtesy or discomfort voicing the idea again that prompted them to leave out those reasons?

“Let’s go,” Hornfels said, their tone the one they used when conducting serious business.

Gossan stepped back from the doorway, allowing Hornfels and Hal to step out. And then they were on their way again, heading for the log lift elevator. It was the quickest way back down to the bottom of the village crater where medical help in the form of Rutile who served as the town’s best doctor which had earned them their position as mayor. When was the last time Auri had had an injury bad enough to warrant being brought to them? … Not since that time they’d fallen out of a tree and broken their arm as a hatchling. The same arm that they’d destroyed in ghost matter. Was that ironic, poetic, or something else entirely? Maybe it was just stupid.

“What happened?” Hornfels asked, still business like. That meant they were worried. When things exploded, they didn’t panic but instead stayed calm and did what needed doing to start putting the pieces back together. They couldn’t fix this though, only the time loop could.

“One of the hatchlings told me they thought they heard moaning coming up from near the ghost matter spot. It scared them off from playing ‘round up there but I figured I should go investigate to make sure no one was hurt or to encourage certain activities be done in a less public place. I uh… found Auri instead. They’d took down part of the fence and were sticking their arm into the ghost matter. They said something about doing it for science and they were certainly taking pictures.”

The scarf had kept Auri from screaming but nothing short of destroying their vocal cords could’ve kept them quiet. Even now they couldn’t hold back an occasional whimper, especially as Gossan revealed their stupidity. Yes, most of the hatchlings chose nighttime as their sleep time but that didn’t mean all of them did. It’s not like there were rules about what time of day was sleep time, everyone slept when they needed to, hatchlings just needed it more frequently. So of course one would be up at night and tempted to throw rocks into the ghost matter. It was easier to see that brief flash of it at night after all.

“Why?” Hal asked as they reached the log lift. It was currently empty, allowing the three of them to step onto it. They hit the button to start its descent before turning back to face Auri and Gossan. “I mean you by the way, Auri. Why would you do something like that?”

“Gossan just said. Science.”

“You said the science was a bonus.”

Auri shouldn’t have said that. Why had they been honest? “I’m in a time loop. Dying hurts. I’m… trying to make it seem better ‘cause this hurts worse. … Hurts worse than some of it anyway. I’ve felt worse, actually.” There being worse pains and experiences didn’t make this any better though. This plan had been flawed from the beginning, hadn’t it?

“They said that before too,” Gossan said. “The thing about being in a time loop.”

“I just want it to be over, please.” This loop in particular but also the loops in general. They had yet to find a way into the Ash Twin Project though, if such was even possible. “It hurts.” Begging to be allowed to go into space to eject themself wouldn’t go over well and, more importantly, was something they’d likely be stricken with shame over when recalling it in future loops, and so they didn’t. It was tempting though

“We’re almost there,” Gossan whispered as the lift clunked into place at the bottom. “We’ll get you something for the pain first, I promise. You’ll be okay.”

“And we’ll talk more about this tomorrow,” Hornfels added. “Now, Gossan, let’s try to be fast and stealthy. Hal be on the lookout for anyone who tries to come closer, try to head them off if you can. Gossip going around about this won’t do Auri any good.”

“On it.”

Hornfels came in right next to Gossan as they resumed walking, blocking much of Auri’s view of further in the village. Which would in turn, block anyone on that side’s view of Auri. The kindness of such a gesture was enough to bring tears to their eyes. Or maybe it was just the pain. Either way, they appreciated the attempt at preserving their privacy. It would’ve been better if no one knew at all but their idiocy being the talk of the town for the rest of the loop would’ve sucked.

They walked in silence. Most people went inside at night or went somewhere with a good view of the stars, meaning the group got few inquires about their presence. Hal managed to talk them off without anyone even seemingly catching sight of Auri in Gossan’s arms. They bit the inside of their cheek in an attempt to keep themself silent. A very near failure though as the taste of their own blood was wretchedly familiar. It wasn’t coming from their throat though so it was fine. They held themself together in stoic silence, whimpering only in their head as their arm screamed.

Luckily it didn’t take them long to reach Rutile. Hornfels had a whispered exchanged with them, too quiet for Auri to hear unless they strained to listen which they had no desire to attempt. From there it wasn’t long before they were being brought into the clinic. Immediately they were brought to the back into a private room.

There, finally, Gossan put them down, gently into the bed. Auri whimpered, grasping the front of their shirt. They didn’t want to be alone. Pain and death were always worse when alone.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Gossan said, prompting the question on whether Auri had accidentally said something out loud or were they just guessing at Auri’s fear. Didn’t matter which it was as long someone stayed. Blessedly Hal and Hornfels stayed too, though they crowded into the corner, out of the way, close enough to see.

“Let’s get you something for the pain first,” Rutile said as they came up on the other side of the bed. “That looks quite painful.”

“It is.” Hopefully this experience increased their pain tolerance a little and/or the photos at least showed something of scientific interest so it wouldn’t be a complete waste. Their suffering, at least in this instance, could accomplish something. What were the chances of that though?

Rutile left but quickly returned, brandishing a needle. Auri squirmed. They’d never liked needles. If this one brought pain relief though… They only whimpered a little as Rutile injected it into their other arm. Even though they’d watched it go in and depress, it was basically nothing. What was a single needle compared to everything else they’d endured?

“I think I conquered my fear of needles.”

“That’s very good news, Aurichalcite.” Rutile used the same tone of voice they used when talking to injured hatchlings. Maybe they just did that with all their patients. Their voice returned to normal as they addressed the rest of the room. “Soon as they’re asleep, you three need to file out. I’m pretty sure I gotta take that whole arm off.”

“I lost it once before… in a crash. I think it was this arm… maybe it was the other. I don’t remember. It was a long time ago. I haven’t crashed in… a long time. I’m too good. Lots of practice. I can… I can manually board the Sun Station. It’s fun. It doesn’t hurt to die in the sun, happens too fast to really feel. Super hot right up ‘til then though.” Auri was floating. Like being in space but not. The pain in their arm was distant. Drugs were awesome. Why wasn’t whatever Rutile just gave them in the medkit on the ship?

“They’re rambling which means they’ll be out soon.” Rutile sounded as if their voice were coming through a cloud of thick cotton. If anyone in the room responded, Auri didn’t hear it.

~

Auri blinked open their eyes. Above them was a wooden ceiling. Weird. Where was Giant’s Deep and the Orbital Probe Canon firing before breaking apart? Had the loop ended somehow? … No. If it had there wouldn’t be a ceiling to wake up to. And they’d likewise be just as gone, their atoms scattered across the cold, dead cosmos. So where were they and why?

Under them was a bed. Not a sleeping bag but a real proper bed. Turning their head to the side brought a wall into view. A wall they knew though. They were in a medical recovery room.

On their other side was… “You’re awake.” Gossan. They sat slumped in a chair, their shoulders hunched as if they carried the weight of the world on them. And just like that everything clicked into place.

Gossan had caught them sticking their arm into ghost matter. It had looked bad of course and then Auri had made it worse by mentioning wanting to go up into space to die. Making them appear suicidal on top of everything else. Their thoughts had been too wreathed in pain to make watching their words properly possible. Hal and Hornfels knew too. Even if they didn’t know about Auri’s seemingly suicidal tendencies, they likely at least considered it as a possibility.

“I know it’s uh…” They paused to cough. Their mouth was dry as if they’d filled it with the sand that flowed between the Hourglass Twins.

Gossan lifted a cup from the nearby bedside table to hand to them. Auri pushed themself up to take it… or tried to anyway. One of their arms was gone. Not surprising in the least, they’d done it to themself. It was amputated up to their shoulder, leaving them with nothing on that side, not even a stump. A thick wad of bandages went over where it had once been. “Fuck,” was the only thing they could think to say to that discovery.

“Fuck indeed,” Gossan said. They didn’t swear often, normally only when things blew up. Meaning things were bad. Also not a surprise.

Prepared to do it one handed, Auri finished sitting up so they could accept the cup. As expected and hoped for it was filled with water. Fresh and cool, it was the best tasting water they’d perhaps ever had. By the time they’d drained it, they happily could’ve drank another three cups at least. They had important stuff to say before asking for more though so they just handed the cup back for now.

Their head swam, tempting them to lie back down and fall asleep again. Despite missing an arm, it didn’t hurt. Probably more drugs. Heavy duty painkillers were a blessing. They were going to have to see how hard it was to steal some sometime. Thoughts for later. They had to focus. It was important.

“I know it’s too late to say, ‘it’s not what it looks like’ but it wasn’t want it looked like. I’m in a time loop so it’s not a big deal when I take damage or… you know.”

“‘Die’?” Gossan’s voice dripped with uncharacteristic bitterness. “I think it matters if you hurt or kill yourself even if you are in a time loop.”

“I was trying to up my pain tolerance.” It sounded flimsy and stupid when said out loud. “And study ghost matter in the process. It’s fine. … Okay, maybe it’s not fine. Maybe I’m fucked up but how can I not be? You would be too if you were in place.”

Gossan sighed. “Yeah, probably.”

“You believe me about the time loop?” They were often the easiest to convince because they trusted Auri. Normally it took some effort though and Auri hadn’t exactly positioned themself as being of sound mind this loop.

“Hal went over your ship log.”

“Oh.” That was the one thing that always convinced anyone they showed it to. Not that they did so often because it revealed the truth about the sun and the universe ending. Things no one wanted to learn. “You know about the sun then?”

“Yeah. That doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t hurt yourself.”

“I wasn’t… I’m not… that wasn’t… I…” They trailed off as Gossan looked at them. That had been what it was. No matter how they tried to excuse or explain it at the end of the day, it had been them hurting themself. Why they’d want to do such a thing was a mystery. It was just something they’d wanted to do and so they’d done it. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just… promise you’ll never do it again please.”

“Even if I promised that, you won’t remember next loop so you won’t be able to hold me accountable.” Why was Auri being combative about it? They shouldn’t want to do it again. It had hurt and now they had to deal with the shame of it and that look Gossan was giving them. Even after this loop they’d have to remember how much they’d hurt Gossan with this. Causing anyone distress wasn’t something they ever wanted to do but Gossan, Hal, and Hornfels were among the people they particularly didn’t want to upset.

“I know but please. Next time you want to… do something like that, even if you’re just thinking about it, come to me instead. Maybe it’ll be hard to tell me how you feel since I won’t remember but… just go to someone. Anyone. It doesn’t matter who or what you tell them, just don’t hurt yourself.”

Auri couldn’t bear to look at them any longer. They shifted their gaze to the closed door instead. “Did you tell Gabbro?” They were the closest to being able to hold Auri accountable.

“Hornfels radioed them, yes. They didn’t tell them what you did, only that you told us about the loops and that they seemed hard on you. Gabbro apparently agreed that they’re rough.”

“Thanks. How much time is left in this loop?”

“According to Hal, today should be the final day. We’re about halfway through it.”

So Auri had slept for all of day two and part of day three. No wonder they’d woken up thinking the loop had restarted.

“Aurichalcite,” their full name again to get their complete attention back onto Gossan, still looking at them with sorrow and compassion in their three eyes, “promise you won’t hurt yourself again. I know I can’t hold you accountable past this loop but… it would make me feel a lot better if you would.”

“I uh…” They took a deep breath, pushing down the urge to start crying. Two more and they felt closer to center. Not there but it was probably the best they could do right now. “I promise I won’t hurt myself again.”

Gossan let out a heavy breath; a sigh of relief, wasn’t it? “Thank you.” They had less than a day left to remember Auri had even made that promise to them and yet it brought them such visible relief anyway. That was certainly going to make it harder to break so maybe, perhaps Auri would make an extra effort to keep it.

Auri’s vision blurred with tears. It was the drugs, had to be. They were nice in taking away the pain of their amputated arm but they also made them emotional. And maybe the situation was also a little emotional.

“You okay? Or uh… dumb question, sorry. Of course you’re not.”

“Yeah, I’m not. I think I’m better though. A little anyway. Thanks.” Maybe part of them had wanted to do it so close to the village in hopes of being caught by someone who cared. Or maybe it was just luck.

“Would a hug help?” Gossan would always ask that whenever Auri got upset as a hatchling. They were always cognizant of the fact that sometimes people didn’t want to be touched. Auri had almost always said, ‘yes’ though. They liked hugs.

Hiccuping, Auri nodded. Gossan stood and sat lightly on the edge of the bed, allowing them to gently pull Auri into a sideways hug. It was a bit awkward since they had to be careful of Auri’s missing arm and Auri had only one arm to return it with, but it was still nice. Dissolving into sobs, they pressed their face into Gossan’s shoulder. The universe was big, dark, scary, and ending, they were more than justified in needing a hug and cry about it, right?

[decks-writing-blog]

Wasn't Going to Forbid Itself

Summary: Auri burns a slide reel. Gabbro watches.

[A/N] I was charmed by the flavor text for the Celsius 232.78 achievement so I wrote a thing about it.

~

The incompleteness of the slide reels had always been somewhat frustrating. At first the burnt edges of the damaged slides had felt ominous too though as if some malevolent force was purposefully trying to keep something of vast importance hidden. What had they once depicted? How had they been damaged? Why was the damage down to so many across the entire ship?

Not all those questions were quite answered yet but some of them were. The aliens had done it. On purpose too. They’d gathered up their slides into piles and torched them.

“I just don’t get it,” Auri said for probably the third time since their discovery. “Why would they do that?” They were being repetitive but it just didn’t make any sense no matter how they turned it in their mind. Why would they destroy so much of what seemed to be their recorded history? That stuff was important.

“Maybe they didn’t want us poking around and finding their secrets,” Gabbro replied. Apparently they weren’t taking the question seriously anymore. Which was fair but not the least bit helpful.

Auri turned to face them. “First off, they didn’t know we or anyone would be poking around after they died. Second, even if they did, why would they care if we know their history?”

“Maybe they did something naughty and shameful. They don’t want anyone knowing about it, maybe especially even their own people. So they forbid anyone from looking into it and burnt everything to enforce that decree. They wish to forget and hide from their past.” Okay so maybe Gabbro was taking it seriously after all.

“Wouldn’t it be better to learn from it and ensure future generations learn from it too?”

“Better, yes but harder. When you do something you regret how easy is it to accept and admit you made a mistake so you can try to do better next time versus just pretending you never did it in the first place?”

Auri looked down at the slide reel in their hands. Like most of the reels found around the ship, many of its slides were destroyed. Had it depicted the aliens doing something bad? What could possible be bad enough to warrant such destruction though? If so, why had they depicted it in the first place? “This is different. An individual doing something bad and trying to hide it is one thing. But they decided to do it as a group. They came together, had a discussion and decided to destroy their historical records.” That had to make it different, right?

Gabbro shrugged. “It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s just a thought. Probably you’ll find more in the simulation.”

Speaking of the simulation, Auri’s aimless wandering after their incomprehensible discovery had filled them with the need to keep moving had brought them near one of the lantern rooms. The uppermost one and thus even though the wave was bound to come soon, it wasn’t something they needed to worry about. Turning, they resumed walking in that direction.

Upon reaching it they moved aside the lanterns and… the secret door didn’t open. They’d gone to the wrong alcove again.

“It’s the other one,” Gabbro said as they caught up, gesturing to it.

With a sigh, Auri went to that one to move the lanterns there. This time the door opened, allowing them to flick on their flashlight and lead the way down. Blessedly Gabbro didn’t say anything about how often they forgot which lanterns to move. Granted they didn’t always come to explore the ship, thus they didn’t know just how often Auri forgot but that was Auri’s secret. They wouldn’t destroy a slide reel depicting their embarrassing forgetfulness though.

At the bottom of the stairs, Auri turned to step into the room and… paused. They didn’t have an artifact, only the slide reel still, so they couldn’t enter the simulation. So there wasn’t really anything they could do down here other than look a the corpses of the aliens who’d destroyed their own history records for reasons Auri was probably never going to understand. It made them more alien than the Nomai had ever been.

There was the fire too of course, sitting pretty in the center. Auri stared into it for a moment before looking down at the slide reel in their hands again. They already knew what was on it. On the non-damaged slides anyway. Fire had been what destroyed the damaged ones. It was at least partially luck that any of the slides were still intact at all. They’d been missed, either on accident or because the aliens had specifically gone through to destroy only certain images. Maybe all the intact slides were left so on purpose; the aliens had wanted to keep only those specifics bits of their history in memory. Why though? If they were going to destroy most of it why not just go all the way and eradicate everything?

Auri took another step towards the center. Lifting the slide reel they held it over the flame for a moment before letting go. With a clatter it landed so that it almost encircled the flame. For a few moments nothing happened before the intact slides apparently reached critical temperature as they cracked. Not a loud sound but it made Auri flinch anyway.

“Well, that knowledge wasn’t going to forbid itself.”

After having strained to hear the slides’ cracking, Gabbro’s voice had Auri jumping slightly. Somehow they’d forgotten Gabbro was right behind them. How as a mystery. They were just super distracted. Also… “I’m not really sure why I did that. It just… seemed the thing to do.”

“Did it make you feel better?”

“No. I think it made me feel worse actually. Like, I know we’re in a time loop so it’ll be fixed but…” How to even put it into words? They ran their gloved hands down their front as if that could wipe away the dirty feeling clinging to them. “Maybe I just wanted to try to understand them? They destroyed their slides so maybe if I destroyed one too it’d make more sense or something. I understand even less now though because that’s an important historical artifact I just dropped into the fire. I intentionally destroyed a source of knowledge and information. An incomplete one, sure, but still, a horrible thing to do. I feel dirty.”

“I find your respect for history and knowledge to be endearing. It’s why you’re so good at this mystery solving stuff.”

“Uh… thanks. But you think I’m good enough at this mystery solving stuff to find out what they were trying to hide by burning so many of their records?”

“Yep. If they missed anything, even just a slide or two, you’ll find it. And when you do, I look forward to you telling me all about it” Whether Gabbro genuinely had that much faith in Auri or was just saying that to make them feel better was, as always, hard to tell for sure. It was appreciated either way though. It was motivation to keep looking too. Not that Auri wouldn’t have without the encouragement. They mystery was too enticing to turn away from even if it had taken a frustrating turn.

[decks-writing-blog]

More Comfortable

Summary: Auri realizes it's been a long time since they last properly touched anyone.

[A/N] Mild content warning: they discuss dying, specifically via drowning and later in the fic they non-graphically discuss sex.

~

“Hey time buddy,” Gabbro said, lowering the flute as Auri reached their hammock. “Rough loop last time?”

“What makes you think that?” Was Auri really that obvious?

“Well, first off, you only get here this early in the loop if you’re in a rush which you only do when you had a rough time last loop. Also, you drag your feet when you’re upset.”

Okay, so Auri was indeed that obvious. They had indeed rushed to get here, eager for Gabbro’s comforting confidence. The dragging their feet was news to them though. Maybe they should try to stop… Or probably it didn’t matter because who cared? “Yeah, uh… you got me. I had a rough loop last time.”

Gabbro pushed themself to the side, making room on the hammock next to them. “C’mon on then.” They patted it.

Having come here for this exact purpose a few times now, Auri hadn’t bothered putting any of their equipment other than the space suit on. Meaning they didn’t have to bother taking anything off and could just roll into the hammock.

The silence held for a few seconds as they settled in before Gabbro broke it. “Wanna talk ‘bout it?”

“Uh… remember the dam in the Stranger and how it breaks and makes a big tidal wave or whatever? I wasn’t as careful about it as I should’ve been and ended up falling in when my raft got hit. The current wedged me between some underwater rocks and what was left of one of the buildings, I think. The impact busted up the jet pack so I was stuck. I took off the helmet to die faster. Drowning isn’t the worst way to die but it’s… not fun.”

“Yeah, drowning sucks.” Gabbro spoke as if they knew what they were talking about.

“You’ve drowned before?”

“Once, yeah. Hard not to when stuck on a water planet for however long the loops have been going on for by now, right? It indeed wasn’t fun.”

If not for Gabbro remembering the loops and thus understanding what it was like to some extent at least, Auri would’ve lost their mind long ago. Relative to their sense of time, how long had they been living like this? Well, the loops lasted three day and they’d been through a lot of them so… a long time. Too long.

Auri sighed. “What about you? You do anything interesting last loop?” Probably not but it didn’t hurt to change the topic to something that wasn’t drowning.

“Hmm, sorta. I spent most of it on the radio with Chert. I managed to distract them enough that they didn’t figure out that the universe was ending. I couldn’t exactly keep the sun’s impending demise from them for obvious reasons but, you know, one can only do so much.”

“We should probably do that more often.” Auri did that occasionally too. But alas, being enough of a bother to keep Chert from their observations took so much work. Chert didn’t ever want to be distracted, always fighting the whole way. And preventing their despair spiral never stuck because the next loop was always just around the corner, ready to reset them back into the start of it.

Gabbro hummed an affirmative before lifting the flute to resume playing. It was their new song, the one they’d been working on last time Auri had been here, meaning perhaps that it was done. How they kept the notes straight in their head when they couldn’t write them down for long was a mystery. Like most of their music, it had a haunting melody. How much that was them preferring that vibe versus just the flute being good for that type of music was hard to say. Probably a little bit of both.

Auri lay there for a while, not thinking, just listening. With Gabbro’s help they’d gotten good at that. Something always intruded eventually though. This time it was the press of Gabbro’s shoulder against their own. It was comforting, lying with them like this always was. But well… they weren’t actually touching, were they? It was their suits pressed against each other. Designed to protect against the void of space, they were thick and bulky, making them a barrier.

When was the last time Auri had had scale to scale contact with another person? … They wore the suit for most of every loop. Did they ever even take it all the way off once they had it on? Not that they could remember. Had they touched anyone during their loop spent entirely on Timber Hearth? That had been a while ago so their memory of it wasn’t entirely clear but they didn’t think so. Meaning they probably hadn’t had real proper contact since before the loop started.

For a while, the suit to suit contact with Gabbro had been enough. Thinking about it though made the barrier their suits created between them too thick. They weren’t really touching. Instead, they were both trapped in their own tiny space, unable to truly touch the world around them let alone each other.

Auri had long since grown used to the suit, for what it was it wasn’t too uncomfortable. Suddenly though it was like the first time they’d put it on for practice; heavy and claustrophobic. They could feel every inch of it encasing their entire body.

Trying to keep their breathing even, they shifted and reached up for the helmet, fumbling for the release. … They shouldn’t though, not yet. A cyclone would be here soon to toss the whole island up. They’d suffocate without the helmet. Forcing their hands back down, they folded them over their abdomen and focused on their breathing and the sound of Gabbro’s flute.

As if summoned by the remembrance of it, a cyclone’s roar grew louder as it approached. Soon it drowned out Gabbro’s playing. Ready for it, Auri grasped the side of the hammock with one hand and hooked their other arm through Gabbro’s. Just because Gabbro was chill with freely floating and just trusting they’d land safely back in the hammock didn’t mean Auri was. Gabbro let them, lowering the flute right before the island spun and tossed them up.

Up here, there wasn’t enough atmosphere to carry sound. The only thing Auri could hear was their own breathing, still too close to panicky for comfort. What was wrong with them? Freaking out because they hadn’t touched anything with their bare hands in a while? … More like anyone. Even so, it was a stupid thing to get upset about when they were touching Gabbro right now even if it was through two layers of space suit and padding material. They were emotionally fragile though so… maybe it made sense. The dying over and over again thing was fucking them up so they were getting upset over dumb stuff.

Luckily being annoyed with themself for being dumb was enough to push away the rest of the near panic by the time they were falling back towards Giant’s Deep. The fall didn’t help but they were used to it by now and were able to remain calm enough to let go of the hammock a handful of seconds before the heavy landing would’ve likely broken their arm for the trouble.

Despite having gotten past their near panic, as soon as the island was settled back in the ocean, Auri still sat up. No longer as desperate for it, finding the latch to release their helmet was much easier. They twisted it off, freeing their head at least.

The air was wet and heavy with the smell of salt. Almost as if there wasn’t any difference between the ocean and the air above it. After having drowned last loop, the flood of water into their lungs still a vivid memory, it was almost too much. It was just humid air though, not water. Thanks to the trees planted here for this exact purpose, they could breath. They weren’t drowning. Everything was fine.

“Auri, pal, you with me?” Gabbro had sat up next to them. Their tone indicated that that wasn’t the first thing they’d said to Auri.

“Yeah, yeah, just… sorry. I’m dumb.” First they’d freaked out about the suit and then the damn humidity. They were pathetic.

“Don’t say that about yourself.”

Auri would rather not argue and reveal what they were being dumb about, it was too embarrassing so they let it go. Instead they took deep soothing breaths like Gabbro had taught them to. The salt in the air burned the back of their throat and made their eyes sting but it was still a soothing practice that chased away the tremor in their hands.

“What’s wrong?” Gabbro’s tone didn’t demand an answer. If Auri remained silent, they wouldn’t press, they never did. They were great like that.

Averting their gaze, Auri locked onto one of the trees instead. They needed off this planet and to able to touch Gabbro for real. Or no, not ‘need’ they were just being dumb and pathetic. But doing it just once should help, right? Make their newfound realization about how long it had been feel less daunting. “Have you ever um… thought about packing up the hammock and going somewhere else with it?”

“Hmm… a few times, yeah. Never bothered though, it’d be too much trouble to locate my ship and drag the hammock all way to it.”

“We could use my ship.”

“Guess we could, yeah. Where would we take it?”

“Uh… home maybe? Somewhere we could set it up and then uh… lie in it after taking off the suits. Since you know, here, the whole cyclone thing means we gotta wear them or we’ll die when we get tossed up.” Also, even if the air was breathable thanks to the trees, it wasn’t pleasant. Case in point being the fact that were already ready to put the helmet back on to escape the salty burn of it. “I think that that would be uh… more comfortable, right?”

Gabbro was silent for a few seconds during which Auri didn’t dare look at them. “Ah, I see. Okay, sure, sounds fun. Let’s do it.” Not even asking ‘why’. Just ‘let’s do it’. It really was that easy. … Maybe Gabbro was missing real physical contact too. Nah, probably not; they were too cool for that.

Auri stood. They still couldn’t bring themself to look at Gabbro though, not with their helmet off, revealing whatever kind of expression they were making. “I’ll go uh… make sure my ship wasn’t too damaged in the fall.”

“Cool. I’ll pull down the hammock then.”

***

“Do you really have to turn off the gravity crystal every time I take you anywhere?” Auri’s awkwardness was gone, wiped away by the fact that their ship was their domain. They were called the shots here… most of them anyway.

“It’s more fun to float around back here.” That was the perk of being a passenger. Gabbro could just float in the back while Auri did all the hard work of piloting the ship.

“Sure but it’s more dangerous.”

True. While the ship was moving, not being buckled in was a risk, freely floating even more so. “It’ll be fine. Your Outer Wilds Ventures’ best pilot. I trust you to keep me safe.” And even if they failed, it would be fine because of the time loop. Mentioning that would upset Auri though and they were having a hard enough time already.

This wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation, they had some version of it almost every time Auri convinced Gabbro to get into the ship to go somewhere with them. Despite that Auri still hesitated before answering. “Feldspar’s still probably better than me.”

Gabbro wasn’t sure about that. The loop was giving Auri a lot of practice while Feldspar stayed at the same level. “You should try to manually land on the Sun Station sometime. I bet you could do it.”

“Uh… huh? Hmm… maybe I could try that sometime.” Auri actually sounded like they were considering it. Gabbro had meant it as a way to fully shift the conversation away from turning the power to the gravity crystal back on. Mission successful but if Auri could manage that, it would indeed prove them to be the best pilot in the solar system. Gabbro would root for them if they really did go for it.

Argument about the gravity crystal won this round, Gabbro lifted the flute to their helmet’s aperture to start playing. Cutting off further chance of argument and giving Auri some nice background music. They chose a spacey tune to honor the fact that they were hurtling through the empty void of space between Giant’s Deep and home.

Their helmet had been altered, inside and out, to allow them to play the flute without compromising the helmet’s seal. At first it had been awkward, requiring them to learn new breathing techniques for it because they weren’t blowing into the instrument anymore but a device that translated their input to tell the outside part of the device how to blow air. Now though… did they even remember how to play normally?

They’d been on Timber Hearth a few days before the loop started. Their memory of it was foggy at best but they’d almost certainly spent at least some of their pre-launch time at the Quantum Grove, relaxing with the flute. That would’ve been the last time, right? Last time playing the flute normally. Last time on their home planet. Last time not at least partially wrapped up in the space suit.

The mission to Giant’s Deep was supposed to last a couple weeks. They’d been prepared for a long mission, had looked forward to it in fact. That was within the range of how long hearthians could bear solitude before going crazy. But relative to their sense of time, it had been much, much longer than that. If Auri hadn’t come along early on with news that they experienced the loops too, they’d have had a much worse time of it. They’d still have had the radio in that scenario but how much would it have helped when no one else remembered?

Luckily that hadn’t happened and dwelling on ‘what if’s, past or future never did anyone any good. On the other hand though, even if it was far from as bad as it could’ve been, it had been a long time for a lot of things.

“You okay?” Auri asked from the front, trying and failing to twist in buckles to look back at them. Gabbro’s music had faltered to silence at some point, drawing their attention and concern. Oops.

“Yeah, just thinking thoughts. Let me know when we’re close, huh? Also, if I could make a request, land us in or at least near the Quantum Grove. It’s been a while since I last saw it.” Gabbro needed this maybe almost as much as Auri did. How had they not noticed that within themself before? … Maybe they weren’t quite as in tune with their emotions as they’d thought. In their defense, the psychological effects of being stuck in a three day time loop that ended with the sun going supernova weren’t well studied. The two of them were test subjects in that regard and so far the results weren’t looking like time loops made for a good form of therapy.

“Sure thing.”

Gabbro lifted the flute back to their helmet’s mouth piece to resume playing. No more thinking. Just music and floating until they were home.

~

Stepping out from under Auri’s ship and into the Quantum Grove felt almost like walking into a dream. The pine trees extended much higher than the trees of Giant’s Deep. Seemingly taller than Gabbro remembered but that couldn’t be the case, it had just been too long. The canopy they created, coupled with the cliff’s shadow blanketed the grove in a lovely shade. The sun was visible overhead, still big and bright. It looked different than it did when viewing it from space or the upper limits of Giant’s Deep’s atmosphere. How had Gabbro never noticed that before? Or had they and had just forgotten it?

A relieved sigh drew Gabbro’s gaze back down. Auri had freed themself of their space suit, leaving it puddled around their feet. That was fast. It had seemed to have been bothering them though and was what they were here for. Gabbro should follow suit.

First the helmet. They popped the seal and pulled it off, intending to place it to the side immediately but instead froze as soon as it was clear of here head. Timber Hearth’s air was fresh and light, suffused with the scent of pine trees. Not even a hint of salt or dampness. It really had been way, way too long since Gabbro had last been here. Not that Giant’s Deep was bad, it had its own charms, but there really was no place like home, huh?

Shaking off the shock of the fresh air, they lowered their helmet to the ground by its antennae before setting to removing the rest of the suit. Unlike Auri, they started the loop in the suit and taking it all the way off wasn’t really an option on Giant’s Deep. It was harder to take off than they remembered it being. With a bit of work though, they managed to free themself of it.

Stepping back, they put a hand against the ship’s nose to steady themself. They were so light, almost as if they were about to float off. It was just a perceptual illusion based off their being accustomed to only experiencing Giant’s Deep’s stronger gravity or the weightlessness of space, with nothing in between, but it was still a strange sensation.

Looking back up, their gaze locked with Auri’s. They were staring, very blatantly too. Caught in the act, they flinched and looked away. Cute.

“Enjoy the show?” Gabbro was almost surprised by the sound of their own voice. After Giant’s Deep’s endless storm this place, with only the soft susurrus of the pine trees and gentle stream creating its soundscape, seemed almost as strikingly quiet as space. “Not that it was much of one, huh? I don’t think it’s possible to look sexy taking off a space suit.”

“Oh I um, uh… I just I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without the suit on.”

“Nah, back when you were still in training I was ‘round occasionally, remember?” Not often but they had seen each other and even lightly conversed several times. Upon learning they were finally no longer going to be the newest member, Gabbro had gone out of their way to meet Auri.

“Yeah, I guess so, huh? That was a long time ago though.” True, they were hardly the new recruit anymore even if everyone else was still stuck thinking of them that way. “Sometimes the stuff that happened before doesn’t feel… real, you know? Or not as real, at least.”

It was a unique kind of stagnation they were experiencing. Normally the perception that things would remain the same and thus had always been one way was an illusion brought on by being stuck in the rut of routine. For them though it was fact; no matter what they changed it all reset eventually. The only things that stayed different were the two of them.

“Let’s find a good spot to hang up the hammock. Or we could switch tactics and lie on the grass instead.” Gabbro would be fine with either.

“Uh…” Auri finally looked at them again before averting their gaze to where they’d left the hammock bundled up on the ground under the ship. “Let’s go with the hammock for now.”

That would be the more comfortable option. And so they set to finding a good spot for it. An easy task because even if relatively speaking it had been a long time, Gabbro had been here enough to know of several spots they’d be safe from quantum shenanigans in.

Once it was up, Gabbro got in first. Treated to be able to withstand the storms of Giant’s Deep, it was dry. The scent of salt clinging to it was faint enough to merely be a pleasant reminder of that majestic ocean.

Auri hesitated, standing besides the hammock for several long seconds before finally climbing in. With both of them stripped down to the minimal clothing they normally were under the suit and its protective padding, the hammock felt bigger. Perhaps enough that they could’ve lain side by side without touching if they’d tried. Auri didn’t try though, pressing just as close as always.

Their scales were pleasantly rough where their arms touched. Auri fumbled a bit before successfully taking Gabbro’s hand, entwining their fingers. They clung tight to it, making their slight tremble impossible to miss. Gabbro turned to their head to look at them. They lay stiff on their back, very intentionally keeping their gaze pointed towards the sky.

“Relax,” Gabbro whispered in their ear, earning a sharp intake of breath. “We’re okay. Everything’s fine.” Touching was a lot different without the suits between them. Real scale to scale contact was a lot more intense than Gabbro remembered it being. Not in a bad way though. It had them appreciating how tightly Auri held their hand.

“I know just… Sorry, I’m being…”

“Don’t,” Gabbro cut them off before they could say they were being dumb again or whatever other self-deprecating thing had been in their tone. “It’s okay to be nervous. I haven’t done this in a while either.”

“Oh uh… I guess that makes sense with the time loop and all.”

Gabbro hummed an affirmative that seemed to ease the tension in Auri’s body even further. A few minutes of peaceful silence and they relaxed even further, their tremble fading, their grip loosening a little. Still though, they didn’t turn to initiate going further. Gabbro was in no rush and didn’t want to push them but well, as nice as hand holding and arm touching was, now that they’d finally had a taste of physical contact, it wasn’t enough. It was actually starting to get a little awkward just lying here like this.

Maybe Auri was waiting for them to make the next move. Relationships were hard to navigate sometimes. If they were going to do this though, might as well just go for it. At least one of them pretending to know what they were doing here should make it easier for both of them.

Gabbro freed their hand from Auri’s, giving themself room to press in closer, pulling Auri’s arm around themself before kissing them on the cheek. With gasp, Auri turned their head to look at them, their eyes wide with surprise.

“You okay?” Gabbro asked, ready to pull away. Maybe they had jumped to it too fast.

“Uh… yeah, yeah. I think… I’m okay. I’m good.” They spoke in a whisper, the tension melting from their body.

“Good.” Gabbro leaned in to kiss them again, this time on the mouth. Auri reciprocated after only a beat or two. They clearly didn’t have much kissing experience, not that Gabbro had a whole lot more. And it didn’t matter much. Gabbro had agreed to this because it had sounded like a fun distraction and they wanted to be there for their time buddy. But now that they were here, it felt like so much more. They needed to touch and be touched. It had been a long time for so many things after all. Like the shock of the fresh air and scent of pine trees, they hadn’t realized how much how much they needed this.

Clearly, just as desperate, Auri grasped at them, their shyness finally melted away under their shared need for a loving touch. Gabbro lowered a hand to their side, lifting their shirt to caress up their side and chest. Auri shuddered under their touch, breaking the kiss as their gasped for breath. Gabbro was breathing hard too. It was a lot all at once.

“You okay?” They asked again because it was hard to tell sometimes, especially the first time with someone new.

Auri nodded. “Yeah… yeah. I didn’t expect… any of this but it’s… it’s good.”

Now it was finally Gabbro’s turn to tense up and pull back, taking their hand out from under Auri’s shirt. “You… didn’t expect this?” Had they really misread what Auri had been asking for that badly?

“Uh, no. Should I have?”

“When you asking if we could come here and lie in the hammock without our suits on, I thought you were asking to have sex.” They’d just been so awkward about it, unable to even look at Gabbro.

The mortified look that came over their face was answer enough. “What? No! I… I just realized it’s been a long time since I really touched anyone without the suit on. It’s like a barrier, you know? And since we were both wearing one it was like two barriers. I felt weird about that, a bad weird, so I just wanted to lie next to you with our arms touching or something. I didn’t think about… Anything more than that never occurred to me.”

The adorable innocence of that was impossible not to laugh at. Gabbro quickly reigned it in though lest it come across as being at Auri’s expense. “I guess that’s what we get for not communicating clearly, huh? But,” banishing the rest of their mirth from their voice, they lowered their volume to a whisper, “you said it’s good?” They leaned back in to give Auri another kiss, swift and chaste on their cheek. “You like this?”

Blessedly Auri relaxed. “Yeah, it’s good. I like it. So um, if you really want to we could… I’ve never done it before, always too busy and stuff, but there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“Do you want to?”

“Um… maybe?”

“This isn’t something you say ‘maybe’ to.” Gabbro wasn’t about to repeat the mistake of assuming what they wanted unless Auri clearly communicated it. They never should’ve jumped to such conclusions in the first place. “Especially not your first time.”

“Um… I… uh…”

“It doesn’t have to be ‘no’ forever, just for right now. We got plenty of time today and tomorrow or in future loop perhaps. No need to rush anything. Or it could be a ‘no’ forever, that would be fine with me too.” Gabbro would prefer a partner that enjoyed sex but it wasn’t a requirement by any means. Not that they were even officially partners just because they’d made out one time, especially since it had been due to a misunderstanding. That was a conversation for later though.

“In that case… no for now but maybe yes later.”

“Understood. Let me know when you’re ready, huh? If you ever get there anyway.” This outcome was a bit disappointing but probably the alternative would’ve been a bit too fast even for Gabbro. They had a friends with benefits relationship with Rieback but thanks to the loop as well as general work stuff getting in the way even before it had started, it had been a long time since they last experienced the benefits part of that relationship. Jumping straight in sex right after realizing how touch starved being stuck in their space suit all loop, every loop had made them would’ve been a pretty intense jump.

“Even if we’re not gonna… have sex, could we still maybe uh… go back to the kissing thing? That was nice.”

That had indeed been quite nice. So, in answer, Gabbro shifted close to kiss Auri on the mouth again. This was more than enough for now.

[decks-writing-blog]

If Given the Choice: 6/6 Epilogue

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Gabbro blinked open their eyes to sunlight and Timer Hearth’s sky yawning massive overhead. The angle of the light indicated it was either dawn or sunset, hard to tell which when lying on the ground.

They sat up and lifted their hands to release their helmets’ seals, allowing them to twist it off. Thanks to Auri’s generosity, they’d been home quite a few times now. The fresh air on their face was still delightful though, never again would they take it for granted.

A look around revealed that they were in a field. Auri lay next to them, also stirring as if just waking from a long sleep. A loose rope tether tied them together.

Auri sat up and reached up to take their helmet off. “Where are we?”

“Timber Hearth, I think.”

“The real one or the one in the Eye?”

“Hmm… good question.” Carefully Gabbro pushed themself of their feet before offering a hand to help Auri’s to theirs too. “The sun is raising though and things seem… normal. Other than the whole, waking up here thing anyway. That’s certainly not normal.”

Holding their helmet under their arm, Auri turned their head back and forth, their gaze on the horizon, a couple times before turning to look at Gabbro again. “No quantum stuff’s happening.”

Gabbro did a couple checks of their own to see for themself and to backup that ascertain. It was true; nothing changed. “That’s not very Eye-like.”

“Do you think maybe… it was a dream?”

It had certainly had a dream like quality with how the two of them were shifted from one thing to the next. Everything had felt like it made sense; they were supposed to be there and knew what to do. Looking back on it though wasn’t like remembering a dream though. It was still solid and real in Gabbro’s mind. And, “The trip there would’ve been a dream too then, right? And that would mean we fell asleep here. Why would we do that? Especially with our suits on.” Always eager to be free of it, Gabbro made a point to take the suit off during the flight back home. “Also, we’re still tethered. Why would we do that on Timber Hearth?” It was the shortest they’d ever tied their tether too.

“Yeah true but…” Auri trailed off for a moment. “If it wasn’t a dream that would mean… the loops are over? But that can’t be the case either, can it? Or it can, that was the goal but…”

“Sounds too good to be true,” Gabbro finished for them as they trailed off once more. “We could compare what we remember though if that would make you feel better.” It would certainly ease the remaining doubt.

“Um… okay. I went to get you first to take you to Ash Twin. We had to wait for the sand for a few hours. And then when we were inside, I read everything to you because I wanted to delay a little longer and you seemed interested. And then I showed you the Advance Warp Core.” They paused and looked to Gabbro; a request to continue from there.

“You were scared to take it out so I offered to do it. You said, ‘please’ and that you were worried you’d drop it so you’d prefer if I held it instead. So I took it out and we left. You flew us to Dark Bramble and followed a signal to Escape Pod Three. It was… sadder in person than you’d described it. So was the Vessel. The Anglers were quite something up close like that though. We drifted right by them. It was kinda cool in a scary way.”

From there, Auri took over for a little bit before Gabbro continued further. They laid out the whole thing, focusing the most on what they’d encountered after entering the Eye. The long fall and then the forest filled with a million more universes. They saw themselves just as they were, tethered and holding hands. And then the Observatory and the hunt of the other Ventures’ members plus Solanum and the Stranger’s Prisoner. Gathered around the campfire they’d played their song; beautiful and haunting. With one last reminder of their hope that they could renew the current universe, they’d hopped into the cloud that had formed over campfire and then… woken up here.

None of Auri’s parts contradicted anything Gabbro remembered. The same seemed to hold true the other way around too as Auri only ever listened and nodded along. Meaning it couldn’t have possibly been a dream.

“You think we succeeded then?” Auri asked after the silence had held between them for almost a full minute. “The universe isn’t ending anymore?”

‘Yes’ was what Gabbro wanted to say. Both because they desperately wanted that to be the case and because Auri shared that want. But it was probably a bit early to take it as fact yet. “Maybe. Something happened though, we know that. We should go to the village and ask around.” Assuming it still existed by Gabbro wasn’t voicing that thought unless they had to. “See if anyone remembers anything.”

“Good idea. Let’s go.” Auri as both of them took off. Too fast for several strides resulting in them tugging against the tether. Slowing down, they fell back into step with Gabbro. “I love you but this is one of those times I really wish you walked just a little faster, you know?”

“Very well, just this once because I love you, I’ll go a bit faster.” Also they weren’t immune to anxiety. They’d taken out the loop’s power source and gone to the Eye of the Universe, achieving something but what? Were the loops over and the universe saved? What if that was the case but it was just the two of them now? Everyone else was dead. Or what if, somehow, the loops would continue? The Eye had put them back at the start, not fixing anything, just putting them here for some reason and everything else back at the where it began? The sun was still going to go supernova in three days. They’d find out eventually no matter how fast or slow they went, there was no need to rush, but they wanted to know sooner rather than later. “First though, let’s untie ourselves, huh? I don’t think we really need to be tethered anymore.”

~

Even going at Auri’s preferred faster walking speed it took them a couple hours to reach the village in its crater. Looking down into it eased Gabbro’s fear that they might be the only two left as there were people about. Dropping down into it, using their jet packs to catch themselves, put them near the launch tower. Auri’s ship didn’t stand atop it. A good sign? It was still in Dark Bramble where they’d left it?

Slate wasn’t immediately in evidence but it didn’t take long to find them exiting their nearby workshop. They looked up as Auri and Gabbro approached. “You’re back and you brought Gabbro.”

Taking a deep breath, Auri stepped towards them. “This is gonna sound like a really weird question but how many days has it been since I launched? And has anything weird happened in the past like… day or two?”

“You mean other than you coming back and asking me a weird question you should know the answer to? No, I don’t think so. And it’s been like three days since you launched, I think. Not a long time to be gone considering you should have enough fuel to last twice that.”

“So if launch day is day one, this is day four?” Gabbro asked for clarification lest this be the final day of the loop. Just before dawn on day four was when the sun went supernova and it was well past dawn by now. So if this was day four that would mean they’d succeeded in making the universe whole again.

“Uh, sure, yeah. Why?”

Auri let out a wordless sound of delight that echoed the sound Gabbro’s soul wanted to make as they rushed forward to hug Slate. They let out a grunt of surprise as Auri lifted them off the ground and spun around twice before putting them back down. “That’s great news! Thank you!” Letting go, they turned back towards Gabbro to do the exact same thing to them, squeezing them tight around the middle and lifting them up to spin around. “We did it! We really did it!”

“We really did, huh? Go us..” Gabbro squeezed Auri just as tight

No more dying and/or watching the solar system die every three days. No more conversations with anyone other than Auri that only they would remember. No more waking up on Giant’s Deep alone and having to set up the hammock for the umpteenth time. No more impending end of everything they knew and loved hanging over them every moment.

“Are you two okay?” Slate asked. “Do you need me to go get someone or something?”

Auri put Gabbro down so they could turn to face Slate, though they kept an arm around Gabbro’s middle, keeping them close. “We’re fantastic actually! Probably the best we’ve been in long fucking time.”

“We’ll explain later,” Gabbro added. Probably anyway. That was a conversation they were going to have to have with Auri later. How much did they want to tell about what they’d been through with the loops. “So don’t worry about it for now.”

“Telling me not to worry about it is only going to make me worry about it more. What did I miss? What happened?”

“We’ll explain later,” Auri repeated. “I promise. First we,” they gestured to themself and Gabbro, “have a date we gotta go on before we figure out what we’re gonna do next. We’ll see you later though.”

Turning away, Auri tugged Gabbro into walking with them. “We should probably ask around a little bit more to make sure and stuff. Especially we should ask Chert what happened with the stars these past three days to make sure the universe really is continuing. Also, we’re probably gonna have to figure out what to do about the Bramble Seed so it doesn’t destroy Timber Hearth. And we should probably discuss borrowing someone’s ship so we can go retrieve ours. Or just yours and we could use that one to get back to mine. And while we’re there we should collect Feldspar too finally.”

“Don’t forget the Stranger, you can finally officially report it.”

Auri nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that too. There’s lots to do but… but after all that what are we going to do? It’s been a long time since I thought about after.”

“We’ll figure out what all we wanna we do when we get there.” They didn’t have the infinite time of the loop anymore but they still had plenty. There was lots that needed doing, dealing with the Bramble Seed being the most urgent, but once all that was taken care of, they were free to do whatever they pleased. They finally had real choices to make again. What all those choices would be Gabbro hadn’t thought about in a long time either though. All they knew was that whatever they were going to do next, they were going to do it with Auri.

[decks-writing-blog]

If Given the Choice: Chapter 5/6: A Great Honor

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Counter to Auri’s initial promise to set to going over their notes to figure out how to get into Giant’s Deep’s core to access the Tracking Module the ‘loop after next’ they didn’t follow through. Instead, they did indeed take Gabbro to meet up with the rest of the Ventures’ pilots. One per each loop after the first one was spent on a joint effort to keep Chert out of their doom spiral. After that was more trips to Timber Hearth.

Gabbro never called them out or reminded them. An argument could be made that they should but… they weren’t ready to move on either. They got to know Auri in a whole new way and it just made the thought of letting go all the harder.

The core was always there though. Gabbro started on Giant’s Deep after all, making it hard not to think about. Especially with each loop starting with that massive flash in the sky of the Canon firing, ultimately sending the module to the core somewhere far off from their island. Auri reportedly woke to the sight of it firing too way above them. Thus it was no doubt also frequently on their mind. They’d go to it when they were ready. Gabbro could only hope they’d be ready by then too.

Eventually though a loop came in which Auri didn’t come. Not immediately like they’d been doing anyway. It was halfway through the loop before they arrived.

“You found out how to get to the core.” Gabbro said as they approached the hammock.

“Um… yeah. How’d you know?”

“You didn’t come straight here this time like you’ve been doing. It’s not hard to guess what you were doing instead. So how’s it done?”

“The cyclones. Most of them spin the same direction and send stuff up. Some of them spin the other way though and send stuff down through the current.”

“Huh? Interesting.” Gabbro had seen a few cyclones in the distance that had looked like they were spinning the ‘wrong’ direction. Strange as it had seemed at the time, they’d never wanted to bother hunting down their ship to investigate. “Planning on heading down there now or you wanna start on it fresh next loop?”

Auri was silent for a few seconds, rocking slightly back and forth, as they thought. “Now, I think. And then next loop I could… maybe not next loop. Soon though, probably. … Assuming the coordinates can be pulled up anyway, of course. If not um…” They trailed off for a moment before snapping back to attention. “You wanna go to the core with me?”

“Sure. Why not?” Attaching the flute to their harness, they sat up and rolled off the hammock to their feet.

As they started back towards the ship, Gabbro took Auri’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. “The coordinates will be there.” It was impossible to know for sure yet of course but there was a good chance they would be and if not, they could worry about what to do next when they got there.

“I hope you’re right.”

They were silent the rest of the way to the ship. Once in it, Auri set to buckling up and Gabbro placed themself in the equipment alcove once more. They pulled out their flute and began playing as Auri took off.

A decent stretch of time passed before… “I found one,” Auri said as the ship’s movement slowed. “You ready?”

Gabbro shifted to brace themself more firmly into the corner. “Yep, go for it.” It would’ve been cool to watch but they didn’t fancy the idea of getting tossed about the ship.

The ship started moving again. Slow and steady at first before jerking and spinning. Exactly like when getting tossed up by a cyclone; a familiar sensation. Except when it finally settled out, weightlessness didn’t take over. Instead the ship groaned and creaked under newfound pressure.

“It worked!” Auri said, excitement for now drowning out their anxiety. “Now we just gotta find a jellyfish to get real up close and personal with!”

“Maybe try to be fast. These ships aren’t exactly made for under sea travel.” As if to bolster Gabbro’s point, the ship’s walls creaked again.

Despite that, they stood and made their way to stand behind the pilot’s seat. It was too dark too see much through the cockpit window other than that they were indeed beneath the current. That by itself was pretty damn cool though.

The core flashed with lightning. Did it even count as lightning though? Or just intense static electricity? It was pretty whatever it was and poetic in how it mirrored the ever present storm clouds way above.

“Hmm… the engines don’t like being completely submerged,” Auri said. “Also the ship wants to float back up. I’m gonna fight it to get as close to the core as possible and then we’ll pop out and swim the rest of the way to a jellyfish. Probably we’re not getting back to the surface with the ship intact.”

“Well, good thing we’re in a time loop then, huh?” It certainly had its benefits.

Predictably, the engines didn’t hold out for long under all the pressure and salt water combined. They also didn’t seem to have as much pushing power as they usually did, not that that was surprising either. Auri got them pretty far down though before the engines sputtered out, prompting an alarm to go off. Not the big one that meant imminent death if the problem wasn’t fixed ASAP. Just the steady beep that said the ship wasn’t going to be going anywhere anytime soon if something wasn’t done to fix it.

Ignoring it, Auri unbuckled and stood. “Tether to me.” Already they were unwinding the rope on their harness to hand one end of it to Gabbro while they more securely attached the other to themself.

Gabbro obeyed. Normally they only did this on the Quantum Moon as a measure to avoid losing each other. It wouldn’t hurt to do it here too.

Once they were done, the control panel let off another loud beep. Probably a warning about the ship’s haul losing integrity because it was voicing it own complaints more and more frequently. Who would’ve thought that something designed specifically to traverse an airless vacuum wouldn’t like being under oceanic pressure?

Ignoring it, Auri reached for the hatch release but paused before pressing it. “What’s gonna happen when we open this?”

“I don’t know. We’ve never had a ship down this deep before. If it kills us though, we’ll figure something else out next loop.” Gabbro was almost regretting coming; this was not their idea of a good time. But Auri had asked them to come and Gabbro wanted to be here for them. Not that it was even a choice anymore.

With a shrug, Auri pressed the release. The mechanism that normally swung the hatch open made an unhappy whirring sound as it if didn’t know what to do with all the water beneath it. But other than springing a leak around its edge, the hatch remained firmly in place.

“You think if given the time and incentive, Slate could make a vessel designed for traveling though the ocean?” Auri asked.

“Probably.” All the time on Giant’s Deep had had Gabbro thinking about such a vessel quite a bit. “The forces working on the haul are very different so it’d probably take them a while to work out the math before they got to actually building it but they could do it. Also, you should probably just go ahead and hit the eject button. I’m not a fan of this tense waiting as the water slowly leaks in.” It was puddling around their feet, dripping in from the walls and ceiling now too but still not fast enough. Probably the hull would buckle completely long before it finished filling up from those leaks.

“Good idea.” Auri lead the way over to stand by the console and its flashing lights. They grasped Gabbro’s harness and pulled them even closer over the line the cockpit separated at. “If this kills us, I’ll try on my own next time. I don’t like the thought of you dying. Sorry in advance if you do. I wasn’t thinking it through all the way when I decided to invite you.”

Before Gabbro could assure them that it wouldn’t be a big deal if they did die here, Auri hit the switch. The cockpit shot forward. Not with as much force as it usually did but more than enough to clear it from the rest of the ship. Water rushed in. Not felt exactly but it pressed down on the suit, making it seem heavier. Blessedly its seals held. How long that would continue to be the case was unclear when they were also designed more with vacuum in mind than deep sea pressure. But as long as they stayed intact long enough for them to reach the core and Tracking Module, it didn’t matter.

Somehow Auri managed to keep a tight grip on Gabbro’s harness entire time. As their momentum petered out, putting them uncomfortably close to the electric barrier surrounding the core – the cockpit continued on to hit it, sending a visible and audible zap though it, thankfully Auri hadn’t been strapped into it – they finally let go.

Using that same hand they signed, “Follow.” As if Gabbro would do anything else even if they weren’t still tethered together. Alas, there was no time to make such a quip though as Auri turned to lead the way.

The suit made swimming a fair bit more difficult but even if their kind lived more of their lives on land than not these days, the instinct for it never went away. Though its use was more limited in the water, the jet pack was designed with the idea that sometimes it would be submerged, making it an asset. In all, free from the roiling waves of the surface, it would’ve been a fairly pleasant swim if not for the weight of the water around them.

There weren’t many jellyfish around but they were a bright enough red to look as if they were glowing, making them easy to spot even from a distance. Upon approaching one that looked to be starting the journey downward, it quickly became apparent that they were quite a bit bigger than they’d looked from the surface.

Up close its strangeness was even more apparent as well. Its two sets of tentacles were like a long flowing banner beneath it. Such beings didn’t exist on Timber Hearth which no doubt lent to the unnerving sight of it. It was pretty cool though.

Auri’s pause to look at it ended after only a few seconds as they instead shifted to swim under it. Gabbro followed, pausing again as they neared that billowing cloud of tentacles. Grabbing the end of one, they twisted it around their hand and fingers. If the jellyfish noticed or was even capable of caring, it gave no sign.

What texture was the tentacle? It slid against the glove as if it were slick and smooth. Would it be an unsettling type of slick and smooth though or a nice one? What would it taste like? Auri had said that Feldspar hated the taste of jellyfish and upon trying it for themself agreed that it particularly foul. But lots of folk hated the taste of lots of things that others liked. This could easily be another such instance. Plus the one they’d eaten off of had been long dead and frozen in Dark Bramble, maybe fresh and a different part of the creature would make for a big difference in taste and texture. Would Gabbro ever get a chance to find out?

Not today they wouldn’t. Somewhere up above them, Auri tugged at the tether. Not hard but enough to prompt them to drop the tentacle and resume swimming up into the cloud of them. They followed the tether up and up until the reached the dome of the jellyfish’s top. Presumably they’d be safe from the electric barrier here.

Auri was already seated on one side. “You okay?” Their suits’ speakers were garbled by the water but their voice was still audible.

Gabbro settled down in the spot directly across from them. “Yeah, just stopped to look at the tentacles for a bit.”

“How long you think this might take?”

Gabbro shrugged. “Hopefully before…” ‘something in the suits’ gives out,’ was what they intended to say but cut themself off. Auri fed their anxiety more than enough entirely on their own without Gabbro adding to it. “… the sun explodes,” they quickly pivoted to instead. If Auri noticed the slight hesitation they gave no sign. “Let’s just relax for a bit, huh? Normally I’d bring out my flute but I don’t think it’ll work underwater.”

“Yeah, probably not.”

~

From the outside of the electric barrier the core had looked like it might’ve been made of some kind of rock or stone. Up close though, it looked almost organic. Like it was a weird plant, reaching its stalks or perhaps roots out for food. Surely no rock or mineral would settle naturally into such a shape.

It was tempting to try break off a piece of it, perhaps the tip of one of the thinner branches, to take up to the surface to study properly. Wow, Gabbro actually wanted to do real work for once. Auri was for sure being some type of influence on them, probably good, as the pursuit of knowledge was almost always honorable. Too bad there was a good chance they wouldn’t be making it back to the surface this loop. And even if they did, they wouldn’t have the time to take the piece to Timber Hearth where the proper tools for studying it were and then also learn anything on top of that. And so instead they brushed their gloves hands over the branch a couple more times before turning and continuing to follow Auri.

Naturally, also interested in the new environment they were in, Auri also took some time to look around and explore. Not much though. Before Gabbro would’ve chosen if they were in charge, they lead the way to the Tracking Module.

Its airlock was still intact. Meaning once it cycled, they brought in a round of water with them but the interior was otherwise dry. And not only dry but nothing was too visibly broken either, just knocked around. There were even living trees, allowing their oxygen tanks to refill. Good signs all around.

Wasting no time, Auri immediately rushed into exploring, starting with the side that didn’t have the tubing for the light ball. They’d long since lost the need for the translator tool; they could just read the text entirely on their own now. They paused in their reading to translate out loud for Gabbro as they went along.

Like most Nomai stuff, the interior was elegantly designed. A statue held a prominent place on this side of the structure. Its eyes were open. “Probably this one stores the probe’s memories,” Auri said once they’d spotted it too.

Gabbro hummed an agreement. It couldn’t possibly be anything else. They’d almost certainly find the Eye’s coordinates here somewhere. Probably on what was currently the ceiling.

It wasn’t long before they found their way up there. Auri hesitated for only a moment before activating the glow ball in the tube and sliding it to its first destination. The liquid in the projection pool shifted, raising up to display Giant’s Deep and the Orbital Probe Canon. It fired and broke apart. The projection zoomed out as it followed what could only be the probe, creating a long line that seemed to go to nowhere as far as Gabbro could tell. Which didn’t mean anything at all; Auri knew a lot more about this stuff. All of Gabbro’s knowledge was secondhand through them wanting to explain what they’d learned.

“This says that…” Auri’s voice quivered before they paused to take a deep breath breath. Whatever they were reading off the terminal wasn’t good news. Gabbro remained silent, giving them time to collect themself. “This says that its showing the trajectory for probe number nine million, three-hundred-eighteen thousand, three hundred fifty. Which I can only assume is the one fired off at the start of this loop.”

That was a number well beyond comprehension. Imagining even a million of something was impossible, let alone nine of them. “That would mean there’s been more than nine million loops total then.” It was impossible to conceive of anything going on for that long, let alone the same three days over and over. “We weren’t aware of all of them but still, that’s… a lot.” It was a massive blessing they didn’t remember all of them. Whatever thread of sanity the two of them were still clinging too would’ve long since snapped no matter how tightly they held onto each other for support.

“No, only the ones since the Eye was found. But it was still happening. We were still in it but just as unaware of it as everyone else is. Whatever we did on our first loop, we repeated over and over and over again nine million fucking times. I don’t even remember what I did on the first one.”

All Gabbro remembered was that they’d ended up on Statue Island where they’d triggered their statue. Why they’d went there, they couldn’t recall. They’d have to have gone swimming to get their ship and then maybe decided to look around some more? “Does it say how many loops it’s been since the probe found the Eye?”

Auri shifted their gaze back onto the terminal before apparently finding nothing and moving onto to move the ball to the next terminal. The projection pool shifted again, this time showing a bunch of lines all extending from the same point.

“Nine million, three-hundred-eighteen thousand, fifty-four,” Auri said, drawing Gabbro’s gaze back down on them. “This says that the probe found something that matches all known criteria of Eye on its nine million, three-hundred-eighteen thousand, fifty-forth launch.So it’s been…” they paused for a moment before continuing, “two hundred, ninety-six loops since we started remembering them.”

Each loop was three days so that meant… “Eight hundred, eighty-eightdays then.” Whether that was longer or shorter than Gabbro would’ve guessed if they’d been asked to was hard to say. It being a lot though wasn’t surprising.

Auri groaned as they took a step back. “So long. And it’s all just been… borrowed time.” The bitterness in their voice stung. “We should’ve been dead nine million times over by now.”

Gabbro stepped towards them and took their hand. “It’s still time though. We made good use of it of it too… mostly anyway. And we can take more. As much as we want and need.”

Auri nodded as they squeezed Gabbro’s hand tight enough to hurt a little even through the gloves. “Thanks for coming with me for this. It’s… it’s a lot. And maybe it shouldn’t matter that the loop’s has been going on for so long and that we basically only just became aware of it but gosh, it… we had no idea. Over and over, the universe ended and we died with it. Every single time it was a surprise until it wasn’t anymore and then we just had to live through it and remember it over and over and over again. And now we have to make the choice of letting it die. Maybe we can save it but what if we can’t? We have to be okay with risking it ending forever. And it’s just… not fair.”

They sank to the floor. Still holding their hand, Gabbro went with them, letting Auri pull them down. “Why us? Why me?”

Good questions. Gabbro had asked them many times to themself too. The fact that it was just chance that the two of them happened upon the statues in those three days before the sun exploded never felt like a good answer. “It had to be someone. Otherwise it might’ve been no one and then… we’d still be stuck in the loop but not remembering it, forever. Which, maybe in a way would’ve been better, it would’ve hurt less, that’s for sure.” Both emotionally as well as physically. “We got extra time instead though.”

With a sniffle, Auri pressed their head against Gabbro’s shoulder. Their maintained tight grip on Gabbro’s hand meant they couldn’t put their arm them. Instead, Gabbro moved their other hand over to hold Auri’s hand in both of theirs.

After a few moments like that, Auri’s grip loosened slightly. “It’s… it’s better this way. It hurts but we get to choose and… and we’re not alone. I love you and I’m glad I got to spend this extra time with you.”

Gabbro’s eyes were threatening to start watering now too. Crying wasn’t fun but who cared anymore? It was the end of the universe, who wouldn’t cry about that at least a little bit? “We might still be able save it, remember? Maybe it’s foolish to hold onto that hope as even a maybe but we’re allowed to be a little foolish, right? Nothing wrong with that. But even if we can’t save it, I’m glad I got to spend this extra time with you too.”

~

How long they sat there like that, doing nothing but silently holding each other, Gabbro couldn’t guess. Nor did they care. Eventually, wordlessly and still holding hands, they stood though and continued exploring.

The symbols as they rose up out of the projection pool meant nothing to Gabbro. Auri gasped though, their grip tightening for just a moment. “You were right. Of course you were right, you’re always right.”

“Those are the coordinates then?”

Auri paused for a moment to read the terminal’s words that had risen with the symbols. “Yep, those are them. The mechanism isn’t even damaged. I worried over nothing, like usual.”

“Nah, a lot of your worries are well founded. You just focus on them more than you should. But you gonna know where and how to input these?”

“Yeah. There’s a thing on the Vessel. It’s how I knew even before reading the thing that these are what we’re here for.”

“Good. When you planning on going?”

“Um… not this loop for obvious reasons, I think we’re probably gonna die down here. Not next loop either but… soon. I think I want to go soon. And…” they turned to fully face Gabbro, “I want you to come with me.”

“Hmm… I always kinda thought that’d be a solo adventure.” Ever since they’d first brought it up, Gabbro had assumed Auri would be going to the Eye of the Universe alone. Never once had it occurred to them that Auri might invite them too. In hindsight, it was an odd thing to assume but it had just seemed so natural to assume it be a solo pilgrimage.

“Well, either the Eye will let me save the universe or the universe is going to die because I went to go see it. Either to help with the former in whatever way is possible or to just be with me when we die and the universe with us – it always sucks more when dying alone after all, trust me, I should know – I want you there. So, please,” already holding one of Gabbro’s hands, they reached over and to take the other too, “it would be a great honor if you’d accompany me on my pilgrimage to see the Eye of Universe.”

Probably Gabbro shouldn’t laugh, this was a serious matter after all, but the formality of the request pulled a slight chuckle from them anyway. They leaned forward to bonk their helmets together in another pseudo-kiss. “When you put it like that, how can I say ‘no’? Of course I’ll go with you to see the Eye of the Universe.”

~

[A/N] Fun fact, their loop number is based off the loop number in my main file plus 52. I figured Auri would've done most of the same things I did when playing, even if in this particular time line it wasn't in the same order (the last thing I figured out how to do in the base game before beating it the first time was getting into Ash Twin and that was before I did the DLC and my achievement hunting) plus a handful of loops doing other stuff one can't do in game, including but not limited to hanging out with their time buddy. I chose to add the number 52 because with 244 loops, an extra 50 spread throughout those felt about right and an extra 2 to reach a round number on the total loop count. Which worked out beautifully due to that setting their total perceived day count at 888, which is not only an even number but is also an angel number and that makes a good number.

Next Chapter

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If Given the Choice: Chapter 4/6: Sorry It Was Like That

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

“You’re back,” Slate said, standing up as the elevator clunked into place at the bottom of the launch tower. “And you brought Gabbro.”

Gabbro lifted a hand in a wave. “Hey Slate, long time no see.”

“It’s been less than a week.”

“A week is about as long as some insects live for so from some perspectives, it’s been almost a lifetime since we last spoke.” It certainly felt like a long time had passed since Gabbro had last been here. Even after spending the end of last loop on Timber Hearth part of them half expected to float away at any second, especially since before disembarking they’d finished taking the suit off, making them feel particularly light weight.

“Uh…” Auri said, “I don’t really have an explanation for why I left, got Gabbro, and then immediately came back. So just don’t worry about it, okay?”

Slate frowned at them. “Hornsfel says Gabbro claimed you two are in a time loop. What’s that about?”

Auri looked at Gabbro. “I guess I do sorta remember you saying you were going to tell Hornsfel.” They turned their attention back onto Slate. “It’s true. And yeah, yeah, I know you don’t believe me and want to threaten to ground me for medical reasons or whatever. Feel free to do so I guess, I plan to spend the rest of this loop around here anyway, probably. So you know, just don’t worry about it.”

“You can’t tell me not to worry about it. That’s only going to make me worry about it more. It would explain how you knew the launch codes when Hornsfel apparently never told you. It still sounds awfully far fetched though, especially coming from Gabbro.”

“See, Auri?” Gabbro said, “you’re the only person who thinks I have all my twigs in order.” Not quite true but close to it.

“Honestly, I don’t think either of us have all our twigs in order. Kinda hard to with the whole… wait, did you tell Hornsfel about you know what this time?”

“Nope.” No need to upset people.

“Probably for the best. You know what I mean though.”

Gabbro did. Reliving the end of the entire universe over and over again wasn’t conducive to maintaining one’s mental stability.

“Anyway, Slate,” Auri continued, turning their attention back on them, “we’ll tell you more about it later if you want. ‘Cause Hornsfel is gonna want to ask more questions and stuff. So meet up with us at the museum later, maybe? I’d rather not go over it multiple times, especially since you’re always kinda hard to convince.”

Slate frowned at them for a moment longer before ultimately sighing and sitting on the bench. “Fine. Go do whatever you came here to do then. I expect to be caught up properly later.”

Looping an arm through Gabbro’s Auri lightly tugged them towards the village proper. Used to walking with Gabbro by now, they set the pace at rather slow for once. “We should talk to people. Everyone will finally have new stuff to say ‘cause you’re with me. Or uh… we’re here for you so if you’d prefer to just like hang out by the geysers or something, we could do that instead.” Clearly they wanted to talk to people though.

“We can talk to people.” Being around more people as a change of pace was why Gabbro had wanted to come after all.

~

Auri hadn’t been exaggerating when they’d implied they wanted to talk to ‘everyone’. Every single person they came across in their slow wander through town, Auri approached for a conversation, usually brief but some went on for longer. No one seemed put off or surprised by it either, implying this was usual behavior for them.

Gabbro was mostly just along for the ride, spending more time listening than saying anything themself. The rumor about the time loop had spread during the hours it had took Auri to fly to Giant’s Deep and return and thus it was frequent topic of conversation. Some people believed, others didn’t, Auri never bothered to try too hard to convince anyone. The two of them being together ultimately resulted in the topic of their relationship coming up more than once. Thus everyone soon knew about their newfound partner status too.

Auri wasn’t outwardly bothered by the fact that none of their conversations would stick in anyone else’s memory. Not until the talk with Gossan anyway. Gossan obviously noticed the dip in Auri’s enthusiasm too, prompting, “A time loop, huh? Sounds like it might be rough?”

“Nah, it’s great. I got lots of time to practice all sorts of stuff.”

Gabbro could call them out on their lie but it wouldn’t help. So instead they said, “By the time they break the loop, they’ll probably be a better pilot than Feldspar.” They actually might already be. By unspoken agreement though, they’d settled on pretending that the loop hadn’t been going on for as long as it had. No need to air their shared angst out to everyone in town when all it would earn them was a loop full of being pitied.

How fooled Gossan was by the lie and deflection was hard to tell but even if they weren’t, they seemed to get the message that it wasn’t something Auri or Gabbro wanted to talk about as they accepted the change of topic with a, “Better than Feldspar, huh? You’re gonna have to take me up in the ship sometime for proper demonstration of your skills.”

Eventually, after nightfall, they found themselves in the Observatory. As predicted by Auri, Hornsfel had questions. Apparently having indeed done this type of thing before Auri settled into explaining. Hal and Slate, with Gossan showing up a bit late as well, sat in on that explanation. Auri went over everything they knew except for the fact that the trigger for the whole thing was the sun going supernova. They handily danced around it by claiming they weren’t sure of the power source. Also left out was the Vessel and its potential to take them to the Eye of Universe once they decided they were ready to end the loops. The loop was still going because they weren’t sure yet how to power it down but they were ‘working on it’.

“Are there any other statues we could maybe trigger?” Hal asked. Whether the question was coming from a place of skepticism or not was hard tell due to Gabbro not knowing them well, but it seemed not to be. “So maybe one us could remember this supposed time loop too?”

“No.” Auri didn’t miss a beat with their lie. “None that I think would work anyway. It’s been a long time so most of the statues aren’t in great shape. We’ve tried it in prior loops but we’re still the only ones who remember.” They glanced at Gabbro as they said this but what they might be trying to convey was unclear.

Gabbro wasn’t going to call Auri’s lie out this time either even if they didn’t wholly agree with telling it. Long ago they’d floated the idea of trying to pull someone else to another statue and thus into remembering the loops too. Auri had refused, claiming they couldn’t bear the thought of subjecting anyone else to it. Apparently the loops since then hadn’t shaken that resolve and perhaps might’ve only strengthened it. Probably it was for the best anyway; the loop was rough and as soon as Auri got the Eye’s coordinates and felt ready for it, it was going to end. Drawing someone else in at this stage would only make things more complicated in that they’d have to wait for that person to be ready for the end of the universe too.

From there, Auri answered a few more questions about it. Gabbro got a few questions as well; they backed up Auri on everything, including the lies. Ultimately there was only so much that could be talked about though and thus eventually the conversation dispersed. Hal stuck around for a bit longer to talk about more personal stuff, which included Auri’s relationship with Grabbro. But like everyone else, they also had work they needed to get back to and thus eventually headed off too, leaving Auri and Gabbro alone in the upper levels of the Observatory for the first time since they got off Auri’s ship.

“We should come back next loop,” Auri said. “And not tell anyone about the loop to see how just you alone being with me changes stuff. After that we can maybe go see the other astronauts. Esker’s always happy to have company. I think Feldspar is too even though they don’t say it as much.”

“Astronauts first.” Gabbro was pretty peopled-out at this point. A break to just chat with one person at a time with long breaks in between was ideal. “I don’t think I’ve ever talked to that many people in a single day before.”

Auri looked up at them. “Oh, uh, it is a lot, huh? You didn’t have a bad time though, did you?”

“No. It was fun. Certainly different which was the point.”

“Good. We could go somewhere quiet now though if you like. Or we could take a nap.” Auri stood, stretching themself out as they did so.

Gabbro joined them. A nap sounded good. By this point in the loop they’d been up for a while after all – how long exactly they could no longer remember as hearthians routinely went from anywhere form two to four days before needing proper sleep. Before agreeing to that though, they looked around. The two of them were alone up here for now. That state likely wouldn’t last for long but the hum of the Observatory's computers should disguise their voices from downstairs if they kept their conversation fairly quiet.

“Before we decide what to do next, there’s one more thing I wanna talk to you about.”

Apparently picking up on Gabbro’s seriousness, Auri tensed a little as they turned to face them. “What is it?”

Maybe Gabbro shouldn’t bring it up again after all. It was tempting to drop it and just continue enjoying the new thing they had with Auri and being home with them while they weren’t comatose. They could let their conversation last loop be the end of it. But it was important. “About last loop, remember when I asked if your stunt was a suicide attempt?”

“Um… yeah.”

“And you said when you did that kind of thing, you flew into the sun.”

Auri shuffled and looked down at the floor. “I uh… was hoping I was remembering only thinking about saying that.”

“No, you said it.” Proving in the process that Gabbro had been right to worry. “Can I ask… how many times you did that?”

“Twice. It didn’t help. In fact, it only made me feel worse because it just restarted the loop. Which was obvious in hindsight but… I don’t know, I thought somehow it would do something. I’m not sure why. I vowed to never tell anyone, especially not you. But I wasn’t thinking straight last loop and you asking made me remember it and I didn’t even think to stop my mouth from running.”

“I’m glad you told me. Or uh…” Now it was Gabbro turn to look away, focusing their gaze instead on the model of Outer Wilds in the center of the room. “‘Glad’s not the right word. You know what I mean though, I hope. I’m sorry it was like that. You were mentally compromised so I probably should’ve waited until this loop to ask that but… I needed to know. But nonetheless, I apologize.”

“It’s fine. I probably would’ve lied if you’d ask this loop. Which maybe would’ve been better but… I don’t know. I haven’t done it in a long time though. Or um, not like that anyway. Most of the time when I’m in a situation I’m going to die in, I take my helmet off so I die faster. Like… on the Interloper, after I found… what I found, I knew there was no way I was getting back out alive so I just took my helmet off and suffocated. … That one was probably a little bit of despair too though. Normally it’s because I’m injured and/or I lost my ship somehow and so I’m dead anyway and I just don’t want to sit and wait for it especially if I’m in too much pain to meditate myself to sleep. I think… that’s different though, right?”

“Yeah, a mercy killing is different.” Gabbro stayed in one spot for the majority of loops and the loops they did go places in, they were with Auri the whole time. Auri knew their way around many dangers and thus guided Gabbro away from such deaths. Thus they couldn’t understand what being in such a scenario was like but if it reduced the amount of time Auri spent suffering, it wasn’t something they wholly objected to. “You don’t do the other kind of killing yourself anymore though, right?”

“No, not anymore. Going and spending time with you helps a lot more. And if you want I even promise I won’t kill myself ever again unless I’m already waiting to die.”

Gabbro returned to their gaze to Auri. They’d looked up form the floor and straightened to their shoulders to meet Gabbro’s eyes. That was the exact promise Gabbro wanted to hear from them. How firmly they’d given it was comforting. Before Gabbro could respond though, Auri spoke up again.

“And now it’s my turn ‘cause I really don’t check in with you as often as I should. Have you ever… thought about doing that kind of thing? Killing yourself. Have you ever done it?”

Gabbro shouldn’t be surprised that the question was turned back onto them after admitting out loud that they weren’t doing great but somehow it still did. It was almost as uncomfortable as asking it had been, though in a different way. “I’ve never killed myself nor have I ever considered it… not seriously anyway. Just the occasional ideal speculation about what it would feel like to die in this or that way. I never had the desire to actually find out though.”

Apparently sensing the unspoken ‘but’ in Gabbro’s words, Auri held their ground, not looking away as they waited for Gabbro to continue.

“But uh… it’s the first thing I thought of when I considered your crash last loop. In hindsight, of course of you were trying to hit the water. The chances of hitting an island are low. If you wanted to crash into a planet to kill yourself, literally any of the others would be a better candidate to maximize your chance of dying.” Not that they would’ve necessarily survived a crash into the ocean but the chances were higher. “You probably would’ve aimed the cockpit at the ground too. But it just… made sense at the time. I guess because the idea of killing yourself sounds… not logical but like… the call to do it makes sense. Even though it doesn’t, not when you really think about it. But I guess I’m saying I sorta get the thought process behind it, I think? You want out of the loop, which isn’t possible without ending everything which you don’t want, so you just… get out of this instance instead.” Were they even making sense anymore? When said out loud it sounded worse.

Auri was nodding though. “Yeah, that’s… about it. I wanted it to end but I didn’t want everything to end so I decided… I’ll just end myself to get out of this loop. But then of course, that just puts me in the next loop, solving nothing and making me feel weird and bad because I committed suicide. It sucks.”

“I imagine it does.”

Auri took a few steps closer until they were standing right in front of Gabbro. “If the thought ever feels even a little tempting, you’ll talk to me about it, right? You promise like I promised?”

“Yeah. I promise if I ever feel tempted to hurt or kill myself, I’ll talk to you instead.” An easy promise to make, especially since Auri would understand if Gabbro ever did have such an impulse. Hopefully they never would. Auri’s traveling in general but especially their exploration of dangerous places and things resulted in traumatic deaths, making the loop worse for them, but that didn’t mean Gabbro was having fun either. One could only endure dying repeatedly – even if the supernova did make for a fast death, it was still death – and the end of the universe so many times before the weight of it grew uncomfortable. The benefits of the time loop had long since grown stale especially when compared to the bad parts that had only grown worse. Auri saved them from the worst of it even despite their initial attempts to resist those efforts.

Auri nodded. “Thank you.”

“I should be the one thinking you.” Gabbro took another step towards them so they could lean in and kiss them. Auri rose into it, grabbing the front of Gabbro’s shirt to hold them there. The universe was often cold, dark, and uncaring but it also contained love, light, and warmth. It was always worth it to take time to appreciate such things.

~

Next Chapter

[decks-writing-blog]

If Given the Choice: Chapter 3/6: Sounds Like a Plan

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Somewhere up above the clouds, wreathed in the dead silence of space, the Orbital Probe Canon fired, creating that flash in the sky that Gabbro had seen more times then they cared to consider. A short distance off from the island, the ship floated for a moment before the cyclone picked it up and sent it off on its merry way. It was impossible to get it to beforehand. Always it required a long swim.

Gabbro dropped the hammock as they lifted their hands to either side of the helmet instead. A scream of frustration threatened to bubble up in their throat but they swallowed it. They took a deep breath instead as they undid their helmet’s seals, allowing them to twist it off.

The odor of salt and brine was heavy in the air, burning their eyes and throat. Once upon a time the smell and taste of it had been not pleasant but bracing, invigorating in its own way. The scent equivalent of swimming in a cold river. Now though, it was just unpleasant. The atmosphere here wasn’t even supposed to be breathable, only the trees made it so.

Even more than that though was the suit, on them once again, heavy and restrictive especially in this gravity. Taking it off was technically an option but they’d have to put it right back on again in like an hour. They could play the game of taking it on and off for every cyclone, they about had the pattern of them down in their head by now after all, but it’d be such a pain. It was easier to just leave it on.

So instead they went to the radio. Sitting down by it, they put their helmet in the lap before picking up the mic. They dialed it to reach out to the Observatory’s receiver. “Hornsfel, come in Hornsfel. Gabbro here.”

A beat or two went by before Hornsfel replied. “Acknowledged. You have something to report?”

“Yep. Me and Auri are in a time loop. And I know you want proof so here it is; Auri’s not going to come to you for the launch codes, they already know them. The statue in the museum’s eyes are open, Hal will interrupt this conversation to tell you that soon. They’re open because of the loop. That’s Auri’s statue. It holds their memories or whatever and let’s them remember the loops. Also, no, I’m not okay. I miss home. I don’t like it here anymore.” That should make it believable, right? Admitting to not being okay had been a large part of why Hornsfel had believed them last time after all.

The silence was long and weighty as Hornsfel digested that information. “I’d ask if you’re okay but you just said you’re not. You believe you’re in a… time loop, was it? And it’s related to the statue you brought back?”

“Yes. I have one on a beach here. I don’t think you’ll find anything but you told me to tell you this last loop so you could study the one in the museum with the time loop in mind.”

Before Hornsfel could respond, Hal did indeed interrupt. Their exact words were just as inaudible as always but Gabbro had had enough start of loop conversations with Hornsfel by now to know the gist of it anyway. They were excitedly reporting that the statue had opened its eyes.

A beat passed after they stopped talking before Hornsfel came back on. “Hal did indeed just tell me that statue’s eyes are open. I have to go check but… you need anything? Auri launches today, I could give them something to bring to you.”

“Except you can’t because they already know the launch codes and have probably already left. Don’t worry about me though. I’m used to this.” And Auri was coming. They’d promised. “Go study the statue. Don’t bother radioing me if you find anything. I got stuff to do.” Like hopefully going back to Timber Hearth with Auri.

“Okay. Sure. We’ll talk later then.”

Gabbro put the mic down and stood. There, their promise to Hornsfel last loop was complete. Probably nothing new would be found within the statue even with understanding of its connection to the time loop but it didn’t hurt to give Hornsfel a chance. Though it was very possible Auri had gotten them to study it that way in a prior loop and just never mentioned it to Gabbro. In which case, whatever, they did the same things every loop anyway, repeating that instead wouldn’t change anything.

Turning away, Gabbro lifted the helmet to secure it back onto their head before returning to start setting up the hammock. Auri would be here in a few hours. They would relax and meditate until then.

~

Gabbro met up with Auri in the tunnel, closer to their side because they’d been walking while Auri had been rushing. They ran straight up to Gabbro, lifting their arms as if going for a hug. Alas, they skidded to a halt before committing to it, even pulling their arms back in.

“First off I want to say that that was not the right time to bring that up. It’s just… you mentioned an important conversation and my dumb brain went, ‘ah, yes, I have an important thing I need to talk about too.’ And then I was talking about it before I could remember that I wasn’t thinking straight so now’s not a good time. Which I think I said but… I don’t remember it that well. It’s all kinda foggy. I know I said the things and asked you about it too… I think. Right? I did that, right?”

“Yes. And I made you promise to come get me this loop so we can talk about it properly.”

“Uh… yeah, before we get to that proper conversation though, um, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I tried to write poem about it since that’s… you do poetry and stuff. It sucked though. I don’t think writing’s my thing. So I was trying it to come up with some better way to say it but… just kept not coming up with anything. But um, also before we get too far off track, I should also tell you that I wasn’t exactly asleep after I… ‘fell asleep’. I could hear some of what you said. Not all of it, I don’t think. It was like overhearing stuff through a wall when you’re trying to go to sleep, muffled so I couldn’t understand all of it but I did hear it. It felt normal at the time but looking back on it, it was kinda weird.”

“Ooh, really? That’s fascinating.” Hopefully Gabbro hadn’t accidentally said anything embarrassing. “I think I heard somewhere that people can hear stuff when they’re in a coma. It’s cool to know that’s true.”

“Yeah. It was an interesting experience. Thanks for sticking with me during that even though you didn’t know I could hear stuff. Your flute playing was particularity nice. Not that it’s not always nice but… you know?” They shrugged before bowing their head as far as their helmet and suit would seemingly let them.

“Also,” they continued. “I never even thought about bringing you to Timber Hearth. Of course of you miss it. I’m sorry I didn’t realize that sooner. And I heard you talking with Hornsfel. You said you weren’t doing great or… something like that. It’s all still kinda foggy but I remember that because I wanted to say something but couldn’t for obvious reasons. It was frustrating. I can now though and uh… I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about it. Sorry again for fucking up my confession and for never even thinking to take you home. We can go now though.” They gestured back towards their ship. “And we can take my ship because I didn’t crash it like a big dumb idiot this time.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. You start at home so of course you’re not gonna think about as possible place to take me on an adventure to. And that wasn’t the ideal time for a confession but you didn’t fuck anything up.” Gabbro stepped towards them and lightly grabbed the sides of their helmet, holding them still as they leaned in to bonk their helmets’ visors together. The closest they could get to giving them a kiss when they were both fully suited up like this. “Let’s do go home though.” Letting go, they started walking towards the ship.

Auri took a couple seconds to come up beside them. “Yeah, uh, okay.” Already they sounded less distressed.

“Maybe to the village this time?” Since becoming an astronaut, Gabbro hadn’t spent much time there. Not because they didn’t like it or the people there but because they preferred being out in nature. They’d had quite a bit of lonely nature time though. Changing it up and spending some time in town would probably do them some good. “We can talk some more on the way there.”

~

Once Auri got the autopilot going, they unbuckled and stood up. Not something they did often due to their reported anxiety about the auto-pilot flying them into the sun and/or crashing them into something in general again.

Gabbro had already taken off their helmet and settled into their usual spot in the equipment alcove. Not having had much time for Auri to live in it thanks to the loop, it was tidier than the one in their ship. Resulting in there being plenty of room for Auri sit against the wall opposite them. Despite that, they sat close enough that their legs lightly touched anyway.

Likely following Gabbro’s lead, Auri took off their helmet and placed it to the side before speaking. “I want to do the whole conversation again. Like, not just talking about it more but redoing it from the beginning. All of last loop is hazy in my head and it felt like five loops went by in one so I wanna make sure everything is… you know? That we’re on the same page and stuff.”

“Go for it, pal.” If they needed to restart the conversation from the beginning, Gabbro was more than happy to let them.

“Okay, thanks. First off, I love you. I have for a while now. I figured that out before I ever even found my way into the Ash Twin Project. I should’ve said something sooner but… I was scared because if not for the loops we probably never would’ve even started spending so much time together. And it just never seemed like a good time to bring it up and I wanted it to be like… an important moment or something, I don’t know. Apparently while paralyzed and brain damaged was it. With my luck, I shouldn’t be surprised.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. What I really want… no, need to know is; if you were given a real choice and this was the last loop, time would continue as normal after it, no supernova or end of the universe, would you still be my friend?” Throughout their entire speech, they’d barely looked at Gabbro. Now though, their gaze settled intently upon them. “It’s okay to say, ‘no’. You didn’t last loop but… I was injured to the point that I barely knew what was going on and entirely in your care and you apparently thought I might’ve been trying to kill myself with that stunt. Which well… I understand where you got that idea from. That’s kinda a lot of pressure to not reject me so I need to ask again. But it really is okay if you do say ‘no’, I’ll be sad and disappointed but I’ll also understand.”

Gabbro hadn’t considered it but they had a point; it would’ve felt particularly awful to reject them when they were in such a state. Probably Gabbro wouldn’t have been able to do it. Fortunately they hadn’t needed to lie. “True. I meant what I said though. If this was the last loop and everything continued as normal after it, I would still chose to be your friend. I also meant it when I said, ‘I love you too’. I even told Hornsfel, remember? Not that they remember but I meant it then too.”

Auri let out a shaky breath as they pulled their legs in towards their chest as far as their suit would let them. “Wow, that’s… such a relief. I’ve been worrying about it for so long it feels good to finally have an answer. But… what does that mean for us?”

“I’m pretty sure it means we’re partners. That’s what people loving each other normally means.” What being partners meant was different for each individual relationship and however many folks were part of it, but the specifics for them didn’t matter much right now. They would figure it out in time.

“I know but… we can’t do a lot the of the things partners usually do. We can’t tell our friends… or we can but they’ll forget in three days. The topic of whether or not we want to move in together is off the table because it’s literally impossible. We’ll never get to decide for ourselves if we want to try for an egg or not. We can never had a bonding party if we even want one. The dating anniversary thing that some people do is basically impossible too since how are we supposed to keep track of when a year’s worth of three day loops have gone by?

“And I know none of that is necessary, I know. But I want to be able to chose and discuss what we do or don’t do or what’s a ‘maybe one day’ type of thing. And… and more than any of that I don’t want to lose you. Falling in love is supposed to be one journey and being in love is supposed to be a whole new one as we grow together. Things are supposed to change after a love confession but in three days you’ll wake up on Giant’s Deep alone again and I’ll wake up on Timber Hearth, not literally alone but as good as. And it’s gonna stay that way until I end the loops and that’s the end of everything.” They were starting to tear up.

Gabbro stood and shifted to sit next to them, allowing them to put an arm around Auri’s shoulders, pulling them close. “It’s not fair. I’m sorry.” There wasn’t much more that could be said. Auri was right, a lot of choices and decisions had been taken from them. Not just in their relationship but their entire lives.

Auri wrapped their arms around Gabbro and squeezed them tight as they leaned into them. “This was supposed to be a happy conversation and it was at first but then I fucking ruined it. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay to be upset. It’s pretty awful. But we have as long as we want until you’re ready to go to the Eye.” The only thing they were missing for that trip was the coordinates. Which they’d never explicitly confirmed they were avoiding getting to but was pretty obvious they were. Last loop had been their first serious attempt to get down there since finding out that that’s where the Tracking Module fell to as far as Gabbro knew. “It’s not ideal but even borrowed time is still time, right? We can make the most of it. And who knows? Maybe when you reach the Eye, you can look it in well, the eye and tell it to fix the universe or something. It might even work.”

Auri pulled back to look at them, their eyes still watery but no longer actively crying. “You really think it might be able to fix it the universe?”

“I don’t know. It’s quantum though, right? On a far bigger scale than anything I studied so it’s well beyond my limited expertise. Some of the basics should still be the same though. Maybe one of its nigh-on infinite states of being will fix the universe once its observed.” Probably it was a long shot but it was a thought that had occurred to Gabbro a while ago. Maybe not one they should’ve shared as it might be a false hope that would only hurt Auri further in the end but also, what if it wasn’t false? Neither of them knew anything solid about the Eye of the Universe after all, so basically anything was technically possible. Whatever happened when Auri traveled there would happen regardless so why not hope it’d be something good?

The glowing light of hope dawning in Auri’s eyes suddenly dimmed. “What if I can’t reach the Eye? I… I never told you but… I’ve been purposefully avoiding getting the coordinates for a while now.” Ah, there was that admission, spoken as if they thought Gabbro would frown at them for it. “What if when falling into Giant’s Deep, the module got damaged enough that I can’t pull up the coordinates? Then it doesn’t matter if the Eye can fix anything or not because we wouldn’t be able to reach it.”

That thought had occurred to Gabbro too. The module’s trip from orbit to the core of the planet wasn’t exactly gentle after all. But… “The Nomai were real good at making their stuff last.” As evidenced by the fact that so much of it was still fully operational.“And with how important that piece is, they probably took extra care to make it particularly durable. So it’s probably fine.” Hopefully anyway. But there was no use dwelling much on the ‘what if’s until they knew for sure.

“A good point. And they knew the canon might break apart when it fired so… maybe it is fine. We won’t know until we go down there. Next loop I’ll go back to… no, not next loop. The one after that, I’ll go over my notes again to see if I can figure out how to get down there without uh… you know, repeating last loop.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“How do always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Make everything feel like its going to be okay? No matter how upset or anxious I get you always know exactly what to say or do to make it feel less dire. Like maybe there’s hope that things will be fine in the end or… even if they’re not, that it not being fine will still be okay anyway. I don’t even know if that makes sense but… you know what I mean?”

Mostly Gabbro just said things and hoped for the best. Even, and especially, when they felt like they were flailing to find hope or peace within themself. Only rarely did they feel like they truly knew what they were talking about. “I don’t know. I’m guess I’m just talented at pretending to be wise.”

“I don’t think it’s pretending. You’re the wisest person I know.”

“Hmm… don’t put me on a pedestal.” It was flattering but Gabbro wasn’t wise. They were an artist and a part time scientist, the only real wisdom they had to offer was that there was nothing wrong with taking one’s time with things and that it was a good idea to stop and smell the pine trees once in a while.

Auri shifted to snuggle into their side. “I’m not. I know you’re just a person and I know you’re struggling too. I lean on you more than I probably should and I’m sorry about that. You do always make everything feel better though. It helps so, so much. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for that.”

“I’m glad I could help. You make everything better too. You’re like a ray of sunshine piercing the storms clouds, bringing warmth and light. Or maybe that’s a bad metaphor because of the whole sun going supernova thing. I’ll try to come up with a better one later sometime.” Gabbro hadn’t bothered with poetry or any art form other than the flute since settling into the loop. Too much trouble when they couldn’t write anything down or keep anything drawn or carved. Their wordplay was rusty.

“Nah, I like that one. But uh… since we’re finally back on a more positive track and before I think of some other bad thought that brings the mood down again when I inevitably say it out loud, could I um, would it be all right if I kissed you?”

It was indeed nice to be back onto positive things. “I was wondering when you were finally going to ask.” Or just do it.

“That’s a ‘yes’, right?”

“Yes.”

Blessedly needing no further encouragement, Auri shifted again. This time to straddle Gabbro’s lap. A pretty forward position. They were apparently realizing that too as they hesitated. Before they could say anything or decide to pull back though, Gabbro grabbed the front of their suit and gently pulled them down for a kiss on the mouth. They froze for a moment before leaning into it.

It had been a long time since Gabbro had last kissed anyone. Thanks to the loop and the suit, it had also been a while since they last had proper scale to scale contact at all. Making the kiss feel almost like getting zapped by one of Giant’s Deep’s jellyfish. In a good way of course.

Things still weren’t ideal and hadn’t been for a long time but right here and now they at least had each other. That was enough for now. They could worry about the other stuff later.

~

Next Chapter

[decks-writing-blog]

If Given the Choice: Chapter 2/6: We're In Love

Chapter One

~

Upon landing at the radio tower, Gabbro returned to Auri’s side to wake them. It was a futile effort. A quick check revealed that they were still breathing but talking loudly to them didn’t rouse them this time nor did giving them a gentle but firm shake. Gabbro could try to snapping in their face of patting them on the cheek but… would it really be worth it? It might be better to just let them sleep.

“All right, pal. I’ll be right back. Gotta scout out the place before deciding where to drag you to.” Gabbro gave them one last gentle pat on the shoulder before stepping back to the hatch to let themself out.

The moment they landed, the fresh air hit them like a slap to the face. It smelled of pine and wood, a far cry from the salty burn of Giant’s Deep. How long had it been since Gabbro had last stood upon Timber Hearth? Not since before the loop started.

They took a deep breath until their lungs felt full to bursting. The sound of insects filled the air, mingling with the soft susurrus of the wind through the trees. Quiet compared to the sea and cyclones but that only made it stand out more. Stepping out from under the ship and looking up brought with it a quivering sense of vertigo. Like they were about to fall up and into that endless void. The fact that their feet were still firmly planted on the ground seemed wrong. They should be floating if there was that much space above them. But nope, gravity held them, its grip gentle but firm.

It took physical effort to tear their gaze from the cloudless sky to look around instead, though they kept one hand on their ship’s leg to steady themself. The radio tower stood to the right, tall and imposing. A path from its door lead to a cluster of trees and what looked like it might be an opening to a clearing within them. Forcing themself to push off from their ship, Gabbro started for it.

On one hand, thanks to the loop, their physical body was never allowed time to adjust to the gravity on Giant’s Deep, making this the gravity they were accustomed to walking under. So it was only weird on a psychological level. Even the Stranger, the place they visited with Auri the most often, had higher gravity than Timber Hearth. Not by a whole lot but enough to be noticeable.

Somehow they made it to the trees without tripping over their feet. Upon stepping in they found a campsite. Currently empty and the fire looked to have been out for a while. It was a cozy, quiet place though. No doubt the spot Auri had been talking about.

Turning around, they headed back for the ship. They hesitated for a few moments, enjoying the fresh air just a little bit more, before stepping into the beam. Earlier the air inside hadn’t seemed noticeable. After the pine trees, the mechanical smell of it mixed with salt due to the ship having been partially submerged in the ocean for as long as it had been was obvious.

“I’m back. And I found your spot.”

As expected, Auri didn’t respond. Gabbro crouched down in front of them again. They’d cleaned their face of dried blood earlier. So now it looked liked they were just sleeping peacefully. The little mirror from the med-kit, hovered over their mouth and nostrils, ascertained that they were still breathing. So perhaps they were indeed sleeping peacefully and not in some form of coma. Not that it mattered much really. They didn't have particularly long left before the supernova no matter what else happened.

“All right, pal let’s go have an adventure on Timber Hearth, huh? Normally you’re the one dragging me places, now I finally get to return the favor in a literal sense. I will try to keep the dragging to a minimum though.”

They pulled Auri out of the corner and with no small amount of effort, picked them up. Possible now that they weren’t on Giant’s Deep but still not easy, especially with the added weight of the suit even without the usual equipment attached to it.

With their arms now full of Auri, hitting the switch to active the hatch was much harder but they managed. Upon landing, they almost stumbled but they were ready for it and thus managed to hold their ground. They’d trained to be able to carry heavy stuff, thus this wasn’t nearly as bad as it could’ve been.

They started for the trees and the little campsite once more. With Auri in their arms, they felt more grounded. “This would be a lot more romantic if you were awake. So we’re gonna have to do this again sometime when we can both appreciate it. I guess you probably don’t have any reason to miss home though, huh? You start here. But you’re still gonna have to take me back here in the future, okay? Maybe we’ll bring the hammock too. We could make it a date thing.”

In the clearing now, Gabbro placed Auri on the ground, gently as they could. One more quick trip back to the ship and Gabbro had their spare sleeping bag and the fire starter kit. First they unwound the sleeping bag to move Auri on top of. Inside it maybe would’ve been better but it would’ve been a somewhat tight squeeze thanks to the bulk of their suit which would’ve made it difficult. It’s not like it was cold out though so lying on their back atop it was more than enough. Rolling them to lie on their side would look more like a natural sleeping pose but… would that be bad for the head injury and/or broken spine? Just moving them as much as Gabbro had already was no doubt worse so it was a bit too late to be worried about that. Lying them on their back might also be bad. Gabbro had no way of knowing without radioing someone and asking which they weren’t going to do. Flat on their back seemed at least neutral through so they were fine as they were.

That decided, Gabbro set to getting the fire going next. Another thing they’d not bothered with for a long time because the one spot on the island that was a good campfire spot didn’t double as a good hammock spot, making it feel not worth the effort to hang out by it. It hadn’t occurred to them to miss fire but once they got it going, it was quite nice. Part of them had certainly missed it.

Straightening, they unhooked the flute from their harness to place it on the log bench. They then stepped a short distance away, giving themself plenty of room to free themself of the suit at long, long last because they needed it off. Almost it was like sloughing off a particularly itchy and stubborn skin. Upon finally being free of it, they physically shook themself out before kicking it even further away. Next went their socks, leaving them standing barefoot in the grass. A heavenly sensation.

They returned to the log to sit by Auri. “I’d take you out of your suit too but uh, I don’t think that’d be easy and you probably can’t feel it right now anyway. Feels real good though.”

Picking the flute back up, they lifted it to their mouth and… didn’t start playing right away. The wood felt and tasted weird in their mouth.

They’d altered their helmet to allow them to blow into one end of a device that would tell the outside part how to blow into the flute. Thus maintaining the integrity of their suit’s seals while still letting them play their instrument. It had taken some getting used to but after so long in the loop, unable to play any other way, the actual flute seemed just as strange as that had been the first time they’d used it. They really had been in the loop for far, far too long.

Shaking off their shock, they blew a note and then another. Still strange but they could do it. Maybe, hopefully one day they’d get a chance to get properly used to this again.

~

“I thought it was your ship I saw flying overhead.”

Lowering the flute, Gabbro turned to see Hornsfel stride into the clearing. It had been a long time since Gabbro had last talked to them, even longer since last seeing them in person. To Hornsfel of course, it would’ve only been a handful of days and thus an effuse greeting would seem odd. “Yep, it’s me. Why are you here?”

“To see why you’re here. I didn’t expect to see you back for at least another couple weeks. You didn’t even radio that you were returning.” As they spoke, Hornsfel strode further in, pausing as the angle of the gaze switched to settle on Auri. “Also, why is Auri with you?”

“We’re in love.” Maybe Gabbro shouldn’t just outright tell them but did it really matter when they were going to forget ‘tomorrow’ anyway? It felt good to say.

Hornsfel switched to look at Gabbro again, their expression skeptical. “Are you now?”

“Yep. We confessed to each other on our way here. This is our first date.” Not really but close enough.

“I didn’t even know you two were friends but… sure, okay, fine. That still doesn’t account for why you two came back though. I would’ve though Auri at least would’ve wanted to stay gone for longer.”

“I convinced them to take a break and come back home with me. I’d missed it.”

Hornsfel scoffed lightly at that. “I thought you said you were excited to spend more time lounging in a hammock swinging in the wind.”

“Eh, it was nice but it’s not as nice as I’d thought it be.” More like, it had been as nice as they’d thought it’d be but too much of anything without change always spoiled it.

Hornsfel hummed an acknowledgment as they took a step towards Auri. Whether they intended to wake them or not was unclear but Gabbro casually cut in with, “Also, please don’t try to wake Auri. They had a rough first launch day and need some rest.” It had been hours since Gabbro had checked their breathing on the ship so there was a chance they might not be anymore. Hornsfel accidentally discovering they were dead would cause unneeded grief and strife. … And Gabbro would rather maintain the illusion that they were still just sleeping.

Thankfully Hornsfel didn’t press as they reversed their step. “I still think this is odd but… I suppose with you, it’s not that surprising. Try not to be too bad of an influence on them, huh?”

“I’ve been nothing but a good influence on them, I promise. And they in turn have been nothing but a good influence on me. We balance each other out.”

“I suppose you do in a way. I’ll leave you two to your date then. Be sure to get some work done eventually, okay? And yeah, yeah, I know I don’t need to tell you, you’ll get it done eventually.” They turned to leave.

“Nah, you can stay for a bit.” Gabbro had been too long without seeing anyone other than Auri and Auri might be dead and even if they weren’t, they certainly weren’t conversational right now. “You did trek all the way up here to check on me after all. So feel free to hang out. Auri won’t mind.”

Hornsfel hesitated for a moment before walking over and sitting down on the log next to Gabbro. “Thanks. The hike did me good but oof, I ain’t as young as I used to be, you know?”

Depending on how the loop was broken, Gabbro might never know what it was like to experience the aches and pains of advanced physical age. They sure felt old mentally though. Probably that was just the stress of the loop. There was no way it had been going on long enough for them to be mentally old… right? Hopefully not anyway.

“Are you two really in love or were you…” Hornsfel lifted a hand to make a vague gesture, “just saying that to say it?”

It was a fair question. From their perspective Gabbro and Auri barely knew each other. Now, Gabbro could lie and say they’d secretly been sneaking off together for months or make some kind of joke about love at almost first sight or they could be honest. There’d be no consequence regardless so… “What would you say if I told you I’m stuck in a time loop?”

Hornsfel was silent for a beat or two. “Um, first I would ask what does that have to do with what I just asked? Second, I would ask if you feeling all right?”

“And I would say, ‘no, I’m not really doing that great. It sucks. Auri remembers the loops too though, which is how it relates. They make it better’.”

“I suppose that would indeed give you time to fall in love. How long does this theoretical time loop last?”

“You believe me?”

“I don’t know yet. But you basically just admitted to not being okay. Which I don’t think I’ve ever heard you do before. Even that one time when you were so sick, you couldn’t even stand up without almost passing out, you insisted you were fine. So clearly something’s wrong if you admitting to not doing great.”

“Huh? I’d forgotten that.” Gabbro had still been pretty early in their astronaut training when they’d fallen so ill. It had indeed been part of the pattern of them refusing to admit to not being okay. They’d broken it here without even giving it any thought. Maybe that meant they’d grown as a person… or that it was really was just that bad. Probably both. “It lasts three days. The loop, I mean. Pretty much exactly. It resets just before this upcoming dawn” No need to mention the sun going supernova was the trigger for that reset.

“I see. How does it work? What triggered this time loop and you two being in it specifically?”

“Nomai tech.”

Hornsfel perked up, suddenly even more interested. Gabbro continued before they could say anything. “You know that statue I brought into the museum… however long ago that was?”

“Oh! About that statue, it…”

“It’s eyes are open,” Gabbro interrupted. “Yeah, I know. That’s Auri’s statue. The statues open their eyes when they bond with someone and then they remember the loops. Mine is on a beach. I’ve told you about it a few times but you never remember, obviously.”

Hornsfel started to stand up but upon reaching their feet sighed and sat back down. “I need to take another look at that statue but if the loop or whatever’s happening really does reset at dawn, I won’t have much time to. The walk back is uh, not a short one. Drat. Tell me about this again next loop.”

“You might not believe me.” They never had before. Being here in person to talk about it changed things enough to tips those scales apparently. “I’ll try though.”

“Good, very good.” They shifted, rubbing their hands together, their desire to get back to work immediately writ plain on their face. The fact that they’d took a break from working to come out here to check on Gabbro personally was a pretty big deal. Granted they’d probably do the same for any of the Ventures’ members but it was still a welcome gesture. “Now um… you said you’re not okay? I’m not sure how much I can help but with emotional matters but your well being is my responsibility so… is there anything I can do?”

“Just hanging out helps. It’s been a long while since I talked to anyone other than Auri. And they’re great, I love them, but variety’s good too. So thanks for that.”

“Good. And speaking of Auri, are they okay?”

“About as okay as they can be. They just need sleep.”

“Did you… you know, give them something?”

“Drugs you mean?”

Hornsfels lifted a hand to press lightly to their forehead as they let out a long suffering sigh. “Yes, I mean drugs. Are they comatose because you gave them something to help with the stress of your time loop thing or are they just a heavy sleeper?”

Should Gabbro lie and say, ‘yes’? If Auri were sleeping normally the conversation would’ve indeed long since woken them. But saying they were not just letting but enabling Auri to use such a coping mechanism wouldn’t feel good. It was one thing when Auri gathered up sap wine so they could spend a loop intoxicated out of their minds together but just giving Auri something to knock themself out with wasn’t something Gabbro would do. Getting high and/or drunk was fun occasionally but not something they would ever condone as a means of dealing with anything serious. The lie wouldn’t come back to hurt anyone but it would cause tension for the rest of this loop as Hornsfel rightfully judged them.

The silence was stretching. If it held for too long Hornsfel could assume the worst so… “They’re injured. Nothing too serious, just a broken bone.” The spine was a bone so that part was true at least.”Dealing with all the fuss and worry of going to a doctor when everything’s gonna reset soon anyway didn’t feel worth it. So instead I shared a couple of my special marshmallows with them. Not the green ones. The other ones. They’re good for pain relief and long naps.”

“I see. I would prefer they go see a doctor but… I guess if it’s not serious, it’s fine for now. What else do you know about this loop though.”

“Uh… I think I told you everything I know about it.” More like they’d rather not get into the specifics of it, especially the part about the sun exploding being its power source. “Auri’s the expert so they know more. Obviously they’re not explaining it this loop though. Let’s talk about nonsense instead, huh? I’m pretty sure I forgot most of the good dirt ‘round town by now, refresh me?”

“I don’t tend to keep track of gossip but sure, Hal does tend to share dirt with me occasionally.”

~

Next Chapter

[decks-writing-blog]

If Given the Choice: Chapter 1/6: Important Conversation Time

Summary: Auri crashes into the island, leaving them injured. Gabbro helps them, leading to some important conversations.

[A/N] This is the fic that I originally intended to be my final for the Campfire Fest event. The prompt I'd given myself for it was 'something based on a game play experience'. When going for the Deep Impact achievement, fate conspired to have me hit one of the islands instead of the sea (Bramble Island too, the one island I somehow never found until I was looking to fill out the ship log for that achievement). I survived though; the angle I hit it at had the cockpit popping off and thus I was just left injured. So I had like a 'what if it was Gabbro's island instead, Gabbro naturally would investigate upon hearing the crash and thus Time Buddies'. And then I discovery wrote my way into Auri's injury being serious and then from there also discovery wrote my way into this piece connecting/continuing some of the other pieces I wrote for the event (mostly the day 3 Longing drabble which worked great because folks here on Tumblr expressed wanting a continuation to that one). So it was quite long then I also wanted to explore the aftermath a bit and then the next loop too and then I decided I wanted to give them a happy ending. Thus it ended up being this whole fic.

Also, just for the record, reading my Campfire Fest fic and the Longing chapter in particular aren't required for understanding this. It just mentions some things that happen in those pieces and the important part of the thought process Auri has in Longing is gone over in this too.

And now Content Warning time: they talk about suicide in this fic and there's a depiction of major injury.

~

The sound was like a thousand claps of thunder going off all at once right above Gabbro’s island. They yelped, jumping up and out of the hammock to their feet, ready to do something even if that thing was run. No such action was necessary though. The usual murmur of the rain, thunder, and ocean waves reinserted itself as if nothing unusual had happened.

Shaking themself off, Gabbro took a handful of deep breaths, easing away the last of their surprise. The sound had come from the other side of the island. Probably. It had been too sudden to track its direction but it had sounded like an impact, not unlike the lava rocks on Brittle Hollow, but louder. If whatever it was had hit the ocean instead, it would’ve made a splash sound, probably inducing a wave or two.

Putting the flute on their harness, Gabbro started for the tunnel. Upon rounding its bend, giving them a view of the other side, the source of the sound became obvious. It had indeed been an impact. The remains of what could only be Auri’s ship rested in a crater. The exposed remnants of its electrical system still sparked in a few places, creating a new hazard as the rain pooled around it. It had hit the ground with enough force to make the reactor explode on impact. That would be why it had been particularly loud.

Auri was probably dead. Only probably though, there was a chance they were still alive and so Gabbro resumed moving forward. They didn’t want to see Auri’s dead body but leaving them to die alone in the midst of their crash didn’t feel right.

Upon exciting the tunnel, the ship’s cockpit became visible floating window side down in the water. It was designed to pop off during harsh impacts to try to protect the pilot. Whether it had succeeded in protecting Auri was too soon to tell but it looked mostly intact so there was a chance. Gabbro gave the smoldering crash a wide berth as they made their way over to stand at the water’s edge.

“Hey time buddy, you alive in there?” they called to the cockpit.

Silence.

Gabbro shuffled their feet for a moment before stepping into the ocean with a sigh. They were going to be mad at Auri next loop if they found their lifeless body in there, especially if it was gory. Reaching it, they climbed up onto its edge, making it rock in the water. Not as much as would’ve been expected though, indicting water was leaking in, presumably from cracks in the window.

Auri was indeed in the cockpit though, still strapped into the pilot’s seat, the only thing keeping them from fully lying face down on the console and the sea water slowly raising around it. Were they dead though or just unconscious? It was hard to tell. From this angle Gabbro couldn’t even tell what condition their suit was in. Damn it. Even if Auri was alive, they were going to be mad at them next loop for this. That was next loop though. This loop they were just worried.

Had Auri done this on purpose? The time loop would make a suicide attempt futile but making one at all wasn’t good. Doing it right onto Gabbro’s island was either a call for help or an attempt to take Gabbro with them. Probably the former, they didn’t seem the type to do a duo homicide/suicide. Assuming they’d even hit the island on purpose. They might’ve been going for the water. Which still wouldn’t be a smart thing to do but the resulting crash would be less potentially deadly. Regardless of how intentional hitting this particular island was though, ramming into the planet at such speeds could’ve only been intentional. It looked bad and thus Gabbro was worried.

“Auri! You alive? Wake up!”

No response.

Giving up was an option. Auri was probably dead. They would be back next loop so it didn’t matter. No need to mourn or even really care that much. It was tempting to just accept that and move on. Go back to the hammock and while away the rest of the loop with some flute music … And pretend this crash and Auri’s probably corpse but maybe not wasn’t right over here. No, they had to make sure. If Auri was merely injured and unable to free themself they’d wake up trapped here and that’d make for an awful death. Also, Gabro did care. They cared that this was maybe a suicide attempt. The fact that that was plausible enough to have been their first thought said something, huh? About themself or Auri though? Probably both. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on it.

Gabbro lowered themself into the cockpit. Floating window side down meant there wasn’t any floor to stand on. And so they slid into the space between the pilot’s chair and the wall to stand on the broken console. No firm footing and the whole thing still rocking in the waves almost had them falling but they caught themself and instead lowered into a crouch. Which put them right on level with Auri’s body, dangling in the straps.

The suit was mostly intact. No obvious tears spilling blood or anything. Something must’ve broken loose on impact though and hit them in the head. The helmet was dented slightly on this side, the visor cracked bad enough that Gabbro could see part of their face, including one of their upper eyes, inside. Bad news if they got caught up in a cyclone as the lack of atmosphere would kill them. The last one had been by recently though, meaning there likely wouldn’t be another for a few hours at least.

Gabbro grabbed them by the upper arm and gave them as firm a shake as they dared. “Auri! Wake up if your alive.”

Silence. Welp, that was… Auri groaned. They were alive. With another groan, their one visible eye fluttered open. It was noticeably bloodshot, not a good sign. They titled their head to look at Gabbro.

“Why you here? You’re supposed to be at… Giant’s Deep, right?” They didn’t sound sure about that.

“We are on Giant’s Deep, buddy. You didn’t die yet. Got real close though, crashing into the island like that. How fast were you going?”

“Uh… I dunno. Pretty fast.”

Would now be a good time to ask what they’d intended with their stunt? If they’d aimed for the island in particular? … Probably not. First came getting them somewhere they could breath. Their oxygen tank didn’t look more than a little scuffed but their supply would be leaking out through their shattered visor.

“How badly are you injured?”

Auri took a few seconds to think about it before replying. “My… suit’s display thingy’s broken so I dunno. Nothing hurts though so… I’m probably fine. I think I’m good to go.” They still dangled limp in their straps though. The only movement they’d made had been that slight turn of their head.

“You think you can get yourself up and out of this?”

More silence, this time lasting long enough that it almost seemed they might’ve passed out again before they finally responded. “I um… I can’t move.”

The worst possible scenario. Injured bad enough that they were indeed thoroughly trapped. If this had happened anywhere else, this would’ve been a very bad death for them indeed. It still might be if Gabbro couldn’t get them out. Though, with their broken visor, getting tossed up into space would kill them pretty fast, putting them out of their misery in the process. … Gosh, what an awful thought to have.

“I’m scared. I don’t wanna die like this.” Auri sounded like they were about to start crying.

Gabbro put a hand on their arm. Though, if the damage was bad enough they couldn’t move, there was a good shot they wouldn’t be able to feel it either. “You won’t. I’ll get you out of this.” How was a good question but they managed to make their voice confident anyway. “First, I gotta get this back to land though, all right?” Before they drifted too far from the island. “So I’m gonna pop out real quick but I’m not leaving and I’ll get back to you real soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

Straightening, Gabbro had to step up onto the back of the pilot’s seat in order to pull themself back through the opening. It creaked under their combined weight but thankfully held. Gabbro’s exit was less than graceful as they pulled themself up and tumbled over the side and back into the water with a splash.

They let their natural buoyancy lift them back to the surface, allowing them to take stock. The cockpit was indeed drifting further from the island. Problems that needed to be solved through immediate action were always the worst kind. Auri better be grateful for all the work Gabbro was about to put in to save them from an unpleasant death.

First, they swam back to get their jet pack. With this gravity and the sea’s constant roiling, there was no way they were pushing the cockpit all the way back onto the shore under their own power alone. Upon returning with it, they didn’t waste time with checking on Auri inside, instead they went straight around to the other side to start pushing.

Even with the jet pack, it wasn’t easy. It was doable though and and thus they eventually had the cockpit properly on shore. They’d made sure to push it so that Auri would be sitting up right inside.

“How you holding up?” they asked as stepped back inside and edged up to stand by the pilot’s chair again.

Auri’s head jerked as if startled from a nap. “Aren’t you… normally on Giant’s Deep at the start of the loop? Why am I waking up… here?” Head trauma as well as a broken spine then. They’d fucked themself up pretty bad, huh?

“You’re still not dead,” Gabbro answered as they began unbuckling them. “You crashed into my island.” On purpose on on accident? They still weren’t ready to ask that yet though and so they didn’t. Maybe Auri would volunteer the information on their own.

A beat or two of silence as Auri processed. “Oh yeah. I can…” Their hand flexed slightly in the lap but if they were trying to close it fully they failed. “… not much though. They’re tingly like when… you lay on them weird. I think my feet and legs are gone though. Were they eaten by an angler fish?”

“No. They’re still there. You’re just partially paralyzed thanks to the crash.” Gabbro had no idea how to properly handle this kind of scenario. Luckily the time loop meant the damage wasn’t permanent and so all they really had to worry about was keeping Auri calm until either their head trauma killed them or the supernova did, whichever came first. They didn’t seem to be in pain, just paralyzed and slightly confused.

“Oh. That makes sense. The angler fish eat all of me anyway, whole if I’m not in the ship. Sometimes when I’m in the ship too. They bite it in half.”

“That sounds harrowing. Now, I’m gonna have to unbuckle you so I can drag you out, okay? It’s not gonna be easy in this gravity but I’ll try to be gentle.” Telling Auri what they were going to do seemed wise. They were confused so surprising them by just doing things to their paralyzed body might be distressing. Gabbro was certainly feeling quite stressed out themself.

A beat or two silence before… “Okay. I trust you.” A nice sentiment but it didn’t make Gabbro feel better right now. They weren’t equipped to handle this kind of emergency and shouldn’t be trusted with one. If not for the loop, they’d have radioed Hornsfel for advice on what to do.

They didn’t let their inadequacy show though. Instead they just took a deep breath and set to the task of getting Auri out of the pilot’s chair. With how close it was to the console, the easiest method would’ve been to just scoop them up and lift their whole body over the arm rest. But despite how long they’d been on Giant’s Deep relative to their sense of time, it hadn’t been nearly as long physically. Their muscles didn’t have time to strengthen against the heavy gravity and thus such a feat was beyond them. And so came the awkward process of dragging Auri’s limp body off the front and into the cramped space between the seat and the pilot’s console before finally being able to maneuver free of the cockpit entirely

Gabbro’s plan had been to get them to the hammock but that was a long trek from here. Just dragging their dead weight over to lean back against one of the trees had their muscles aching with the effort. Also their broken visor meant the moment a cyclone picked up the island they’d be good as dead. Still maybe a mercy as from their perspective, it’d be quick and would get them back to the start of the loop much faster. But… it just didn’t feel right to sit back and let that happen. They could ask if Auri wanted that but well, what an awful thing to ask. ‘Do you want me to just let you die when I could prevent it?’ sounded so callous. Even when their apathy had been at its strongest – a state Auri had broken them out of – they hadn’t been that bad… probably. They certainly weren’t now though. Besides they still needed to ask just how accidental the crash had been.

“You’ll die if a cyclone tosses you up into space like that. So I’m gonna go get my ship to put you in, okay?” they said instead as the crouched down in front of Auri. “I should be back soon.”

Silence for a few seconds as Auri processed. They finally broke it with a laugh. It was good to hear them mirthful but…

“What’s funny?”

“I knew you could find your ship if you wanted to.”

“Never said I couldn’t, just that I don’t know where it is most of the time.” And leaving unsaid that they didn’t want to bother going all the way to it most of the time. It got swept off out of sight at the start of every loop, making it a huge pain. “Right now it is…” They straightened and hit the button on their controller that turned the HUD on. “…three hundred metersthat way.” They pointed towards the indicator. “Huh? That’s a lot closer than I’d thought it be.” They wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been all the way on the opposite side of the planet. “A cyclone must’ve brought it closer.” It was still going to be a less than fun swim even with the jet pack but not as bad as it could’ve been. “I’ll be back with it real soon, okay?”

“Uh… okay. Be fast? I don’t wanna die alone.” They were back to sounding like they might start crying. “It’s scary alone.”

“I’ll be back soon as I can, I promise.” Moving fast wasn’t their thing but they’d make an exception just this once for their time buddy.

~

It had been a long while since Gabbro had last flown their ship. After Auri had broken them out of their habit of lying around all loop, every loop, they’d only gone places with them. Which naturally meant they were a passenger, free to hang out in the back and play the flute until they got to wherever Auri wanted to go. But all the drill practice they’d been required to do before going off into space as well as the handful of years they’d spent as a part of Outer Wilds Ventures wasn’t easily written over. And thus by the time they lowered their ship next to the crater left by Auri’s impact, they mostly had the hang of it again.

Popping out, they went straight to where they’d left Auri. Naturally they hadn’t moved. Their head hung against their chest though. Passed out, asleep, or dead?

“Hey pal, I’m back.” Gabbro made sure to speak loudly as their approach hadn’t prompted a reaction.

Blessedly Auri’s head jerked up to look at them. Their one eye visible through the broken visor was even more bloodshot than before, more red than orange now. “Where’d you go? And why? You never go anywhere without me making you. Which sometimes makes me think you don’t want to go with me and I’m being awful forcing you but I just don’t…” They trailed off with a sniffle.

Gabbro crouched down in front of them. “I like going places with you. I just need an extra boost to get out of the hammock sometimes. As for why I left without you this time, I went to get my ship. The seal on your helmet’s broken so you’ll die if you get tossed up by a cyclone. It’s not a fun way to die so I had to go get the ship so I can put you inside it.” Was this the right way to talk to someone with brain damage? Being extra clear on everything. Or were they talking to Auri as if they thought them an idiot?

As had become the pattern since Gabbro had first woken them post crash, Auri took several long seconds to process. Patience was something Gabbro had always been good at though, the time loop had only made them better at it, so they were content to wait until Auri was ready to respond. “That was… last loop when you did that, right? This is uh… I don’t even know how I got here. Normally I wake up on Timber Hearth. … My head feels like it’s filled with slime. It makes my thoughts slippery.”

“My guess would be you have a severe concussion at best. Your helmet took the brunt of whatever hit you in the head but it could only do so much. I’d say you’re lucky to be alive but… you know.” Gabbro shrugged. They couldn’t make themself say Auri would’ve been better off if the crash had killed them instantaneously even if the time loop did technically make it so. “Anyway, I’m not one to hurry but the next cyclone will probably be here soon. You ready to get dragged to the ship?”

“Um… yeah. Okay.”

Gabbro straightened so they could move around to Auri’s side. They pulled one of Auri’s arms up and around their shoulder and wrapped an arm around Auri’s torso to help lift them partially upright. Dragging them would’ve been easier but the indignity of such a thing wouldn’t be worth it. This way was slower but they weren’t in that much of a rush so it was fine.

Upon reaching it, the ship’s beam pulled them up together, providing instant relief. Only for a few moments but once inside, the trip to install Auri securely in one of the corners was short. And just like that, the emergency was basically dealt with. If not for the loop, it would now be a deal of getting back home for emergency medical care but they were going to die in two days no matter what anyway. So putting them through the stress of everyone worrying about and fussing over them wouldn’t do them much good.

“Where do you want to die?” Gabbro asked as soon as they had them about as comfortably positioned as could be. Sitting up secure in the corner with their legs extended against one wall, their hands folded in their lap.

“Huh?” They sounded like they’d been starting to drift off again.

“Where do you wanna die? Either from your head injury or the supernova, whichever gets you first. We’re in my ship so I can take us basically anywhere you want to go.”

A long few seconds of silence passed. “Home. I wanna die at home.”

“Just somewhere on Timber Hearth in general or in the village? If you pick the village, I don’t think I can keep your injuries a secret. Everyone else will fuss and worry because they don’t know about the time loop.”

“Uh… somewhere quiet. That… that spot near to the radio tower maybe?”

Gabbro wasn’t sure what spot they were talking about, they didn’t spend a lot of time hanging out around the radio tower. The Quantum Grove was their preferred quiet spot. But they knew where the radio tower was and thus should be able to find it no problem. “You got it, pal.”

They moved to the pilot seat, strapped in and took off. Upon escaping Giant’s Deep’s gravity well, they set the autopilot to take them towards Timber Hearth. A quick check of the solar map revealed that it was probably safe to leave it at that for now, allowing them to unbuckle and return to Auri.

First, “I’m gonna take off you helmet. I’d like to see how bad your head injury is if I can.” And if there was anything they could do about it, though that was unlikely. “Is that okay?”

“Um… sure. Okay.”

Gabbro moved their hands to either side of Auri’s helmet. They undid the seals and carefully twisted it off. Other than some dried blood leaking from their nostrils and their bloodshot eyes, there was no obvious sign of damage. That was good news, right? The two eyes on their left, especially the uppermost one that had been visible through the cracked visor were the worst. The other two looked almost normal. “Your head doesn’t hurt?”

“Um… it does a little. Mostly it just feels… swollen. Not like it’s about to pop but just… overfilled. There’s less room for thoughts and stuff.” That probably wasn’t a good sign. They were currently coherent though, just easily confused and a bit spacey and kept thinking the loop had restarted. Them not being in significant distress was the main goal and they seemed not to be.

Satisfied, Gabbro place their helmet on the shelf before reaching up to remove their own. Important conversations would be easier to have if they were both capable of looking each other in the eyes. And only one of them having their face fully covered would’ve felt weird. So Gabbro placed their own helmet on the shelf next before looking back down.

Auri was staring up at them, three of their four eyes wide. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without the… not since before. Sometimes the before feels like a dream though. Was there… was there a before the loop or have we always been like this?”

“There was a before.” It did sometimes not feel entirely real though. They’d been in this loop for way too long. “And eventually there’ll be an after.” Whether they’d still be alive in that after or not was still up in the air. “For now though, there’s just us and the loop.”

Gabbro sat down, leaning back against the wall next to where they’d put Auri’s feet, angled to face them. “Now, important conversation time, okay?” Maybe it should wait until next loop but Auri should have a harder time trying to lie when not able to think clearly, right?

The silence this time as Auri’s addled mind processed was almost disconcerting for how simple the question had been but they did eventually respond. “Okay. Important conversation, huh? I uh… yeah, have an important thing to talk about too. I’ve been meaning to for a while. … Now’s probably not a good time because of the…” Their hand twitched as if they were trying to gesture with. Probably towards their head if Gabbro had to guess. They let out a low whine instead. “This is… I don’t like it. I can’t move.”

“I know. It’s going to be okay though. I’m here. What’s the important thing do you want to talk about?” Gabbro should maybe insist on asking their question first but delaying it a little longer wouldn’t hurt. Besides, Auri might be able to bring it up on their own.

“I um… uh…” They looked at Gabbro, their upper left eye not quite in line with the others. “I love you. You’re amazing and thank you for everything. Not just this but… really everything. You make it better. I meant to say it differently but… words are hard right now.”

Oops. Now probably wasn’t a good time for this particular conversation. They should both be fully in their right state of mind for it.

“And I know that… we don’t have a choice,” Auri continued. “We’re the only ones who remember and that… makes it weird, different. I don’t know. It’s hard to think. Hurts to think too hard right now. But… it’s okay if you don’t… but do you? Or no… forget that, if given the choice would you still be my friend?”

“Yes. More than anything, yes. You’re the only thing that’s kept me sane since the loop started. And even outside of that, I like spending time with you.” They were endearing and cute, their energy infectious. Getting pulled up and along into their adventures was fun and something Gabbro had oh so desperately needed. Especially that first time when Auri had brought them to see the Stranger. Since then, they’d been on several more, all fun on some level at least thanks to Auri being there, leading the way. And on the flip side, they let Gabbro pull them down into calmness to just relax and hang out, keeping each other company on the hammock. They balanced each other out.

Did Gabbro’s love for them extend in the same direction as theirs though? They’d used the word for romantic love specifically. Gabbro had never given their relationship much thought before. It was too much of a blessing to dwell on. Now that they were thinking about it though, the answer was obvious. Of course they loved Auri. At this point, it would be surprising if they didn’t.

Yes, the point about how them two being the only ones to remember the loops, made them being close not much of a choice. But on some level, all relationships, romantic or otherwise, were that way. Under normal circumstances there were more options on who one bonded with but at the end of the day, they were social creatures who needed some form of companionship else their mental well being would suffer. That truth didn’t devalue one’s feelings for others which held even under these extreme circumstances.

“And I know you said to forget it but honestly, I think I love you too. We’re gonna talk about this more next loop though, okay? When words are easier and it doesn’t hurt to think.”

“Probably a good idea. I’m… I’m… relieved though. It feels good to say it. I’ve been meaning for… a while. Sorry I sprang it on you when I’m… stupid like this.”

“You’re fine, pal. Don’t worry about it.” It eased Gabbro’s fears somewhat. They at least almost certainly hadn’t been trying to take Gabbro with them in a suicide/homicide double feature. “And you’re not stupid, even if that stunt you pulled was. Speaking of said stupid stunt though. That’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“I uh… crashed, right… I think? Or was that a few loops ago? It feels like it was but… I’m hurt… right? So it has to still be the same loop… I think.”

“Yes, it’s still the same loop. Now, do you remember why you did it? Were you… aiming for the island or an island? … Was this a suicide attempt?” There, Gabbro asked it. No beating around the bush, just going straight for it. They needed to know though. It had been their first thought. Hopefully that was just them projecting or something but… it looked bad.

The silence meant nothing at this point but it felt heavy anyway. The closest Gabbro had been to impatient in a long time. But finally Auri replied. “No. When I kill myself, I just fly into the sun. It’s fast, doesn’t hurt, really. … Doesn’t help though. The loop, you know? I was trying to um… break through the current, I think? Yeah, that’s what I was trying to do. It should be possible… maybe. Chances of hitting an island were low but… I was going too fast to dodge so… boom, I went. I don’t really remember it all that well. It’s fuzzy.”

So the answer to Gabbro’s question was technically ‘no’ but actually ‘yes’. This particular crash hadn’t been a suicide attempt but they had done them in the past. The reveal wasn’t surprising, the suspicion had already been there after all, but the fact that it had been going on before the thought had occurred to Gabbro hurt. They hadn’t considered things might’ve gotten that bad for Auri until seeing the crash.

What should they do about it though? During the whole trip to get their ship and while bringing it back, they’d considered their initial suspicion. They hadn’t settled on what to do about it if they were right or even what it meant for themself that that had been their first thought. It wasn’t an easy thing to think about. This time loop business was… rough. They weren’t equipped to deal with it or to help Auri deal with it on top of that.

They couldn’t sit here in silence though. Auri had long since broken them out of the habit of pretending everything was fine but right now at least, they had to at least try to be somewhat resilient for Auri, right? And so they took a series of deep breaths, centering themself before responding. “Next time you feel tempted to fly into the sun, come see me instead, okay?”

“Okay. I’ve been… doing that for a while anyway. … Works much better.”

“Oh, good. Keep doing that then. But um… probably don’t try to pull that stunt again. Even if you’d hit the water, there’s still a good chance you’d have ended up hurt. You said the Nomai found a way past the current, remember? I doubt it was diving at break neck speeds into the planet. Focus on finding their way instead maybe. It’s a fun mystery. You like solving those.”

A few seconds of silence. “Okay.”

“All right. Thanks.” It wasn’t quite a promise but ever since their emotional outburst love confession, Auri had started to sound more and more tired with every response, so a halfhearted, ‘okay’ was enough for now. “How you holding up?”

“Um… tired.”

“Want me to leave you alone so you can take a nap?”

“No. Stay please. In case… I don’t wake up.”

“I’ll stay then. Promise you’ll come talk to me next loop though, okay?”

“I promise.” With that Auri’s eyes fluttered closed. Whether they’d be opening them again this loop was anyone’s guess. But as long as they were at peace Gabbro was satisfied for now.

~

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