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I’ve got me...

The sting of his clothes missing from my closet is gone. 

My empty driveway doesn’t hurt anymore. 

My tiny bed seems much larger but warmer. 

Weekends are filled with laughs and leisure instead of disappointment and hurt.

With him I felt so alone and I didn’t even know it. I’m alone now but I’ve never felt more alive or at peace.

Mornings don’t hurt anymore. I open my eyes and I can breathe. I make my coffee and slide back into bed with it. I take the time to thank God of where I am in my life, to appreciate what is immediately in front of me and what is to come. 

I’m not angry with him. I’m not sad about him. I’m not lost without him. I’m not alone without him. 

I’m at peace. I’m happy. I’ve found myself again and you can’t be alone with yourself at peace. 

I’ve let go of his hurt and allowed the damage to heal on it’s own. I’m thankful for the time we shared and the lessons I’ve learned. 

Throughout all the hurt, the mean words, the selfish ploys and the lies I learned the biggest lesson of all... to trust myself, my intuition and my heart. 

So many things about him I knew wasn’t the works of a kind hearted and genuine man but I was blinded by my own desires to love and be loved. 

His touch was harsh, his mouth was harmful and his heart was cold. I felt it and even spoke of it once or twice but buried it. 

Hope is what gets me in trouble. Hope is what leads to disappointment. I was hopeful for him, for the potential of an us... but deep down inside I knew better. I forced something that wasn’t there for him but so did he. 

I’m always the “this could be a good change” idea. 

I’m the “I thought I was ready for commitment. I thought I was ready to settle down.” 

I’m never the “I can’t and don’t want to live without you.” My yearning for that kind of love still exists but has subsided immensely.

To experience that heartbreak again... I’d rather not. I have myself, my family and my friends. That is all I need and that’s what I intend to keep. 

I will also keep my heart. It’s healed and I’m whole again. My body, my soul and my being are whole again. Not a piece of it will be given away again until I’m in the presence of a man who will know exactly how to hold my heart. 

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[deenicfry-blog]

So many men think women want money, cars and gifts. But the right woman wants a man's time, effort, passion, honesty, loyalty, smile and him choosing to put her as his priority.

Charles Orlando 

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Windy Thoughts

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More than “ENOUGH”...

Books, blogs and fancy scripted quotes splashed across social media screens tell you to keep your standards high and the right one will fit in or make the changes necessary to keep you. 

BUT HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER HAD THIS EXPERIENCE? Or are people just settling for what they can get because they have someone ☑ mildly attractive and ☑ 30% attentive and they realize they’d rather be with someone half invested than be out with the rest of us singles just trying not to get molested on a first date or worse falling for the smoke and mirrors game only to find yourself heartbroken and alone...yet again. 

“I just want to be enough for someone already.” 

Yeahhhhh.... *eye roll*... I pathetically choked ↑ those words ↑ through tear flooded eyes a few nights ago over dinner with a very dear friend of mine. God bless her for dealing with my whiney and spineless emotions these last few days. Laughing one moment and crying the next, I’m one crazy hair cut and strait jacket away from being deemed 100% socially and emotionally inept.   

I even went as far to cry, “... I just wish he was knocking down my door and saying how much he loves me and that he’d do anything to have me forever BECAUSE that’s what I want to do for him right now. If I knew I’d be received with open and loving arms (and not like a crazy, psycho bitch that he thinks I am) I’d be at his place, right now, professing my love because it’s how I feel and more importantly it’s how I love... and realistically who I am.” 

             ↑                      I know, I know... pathetic, right?            ↑     

...but I get it. The little latin girl with the bleeding heart who still believes in true love that has the short temper and is driven into madness... “She’s crazy! She’s psychotic! Run away now while you can!” 

It’s easy to call a woman crazy... right? But what people rarely ask is what did HE do to cause her such grief and turn her into some female form of the Hulk she never knew was in her and oh, I don’t know... chase him up a flight of stairs? (*hangs head*) 

Wellllllll, since you asked.... he treats her like she’s an option and drives her into madness for believing all the bullshit he sold her just months before about ☑how perfect they are for one another, ☑how he’s never felt so loved and in love, ☑how he’s saving for her engagement ring just days into dating, ☑sending her screen shots of texts to his family saying how he’s “finally found THE ONE”, ☑saying and doing all the right things he knows she wants from a man... the checklist goes on! Then suddenly he gets a little too comfortable... down-talking and unwarranted name calling begins (names like needy, depressed, drama queen, f*cking cry baby- just to name a few), critiquing her clothes, suggesting she get dental work done, belittling the career that she’s poured her heart, soul and more than half her bank account into, treating her like his maid as she cleans up after him like he’s an inadequate toddler sifting through his dirty laundry and shit stained underwear each day as he forgoes the “thank you” because he feels “I show up here every night” eliminates having to show any sign of gratitude, slowly shifting their activities from a genuine common interest to a blatant “his interest only” schedule, a sudden loss of decency to show up on time or even call to say he’s running behind the promised time leaving her to wait on him night after night, having the balls to ask if I can deal with “a relationship based on loyalty and commitment without the pursuit?”...(*deep breath*) I’ll stop here to avoid embarrassment of what I dealt with.  

What has happened to men these days? Their new-found sense of entitlement and less than ballsy approach to treating women like they’re just options from a catalog that they can try out for a few days and then send back with some pit stains after they’ve had their fill, only to claim they never wore it and they want something new. Yes, I just compared us to a t-shirt. Less than thrilling but this is our reality. 

Apps like Tinder and Zoosk, literally allow anyone to swipe through HUMAN BEINGS as if they were t-shirts in a catalog. Let’s face it, if you’re on apps like this you might as well just stamp shallow across your forehead. I hate to sound mean but who are you kidding? Do you truly believe you’re going to find “THE ONE” on an app that is set up like a menu for the day? You don’t see commercials about happily married couples found on Tinder. Their stats are probably: 

girls with huge tits who love taking photos of themselves (and their tits) and who are just looking for a free meal- 98.6% 

guys with self esteem issues looking for big-titted girls who are both equally narcissistic and shallow and who feel that buying them that meal qualifies them for casual sex only never to call again.- 99.9%. 

It’s laughable but what’s not funny are the men (and probably women) who take advantage of someone who is truly looking for a good-hearted, kind-souled, wants to love and be loved by someone they can start a family and happily spend a lifetime with. The latter is the category I fall into. The hopeless romantic who got swooped up in a light show of regurgitated movie quotes, scripted emotions and empty promises hurled at a hopeful heart only to be dropped quicker than an overused pair of socks once the conquest was fulfilled to his needs. 

It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Play the game, they say. Cook him dinner and cater to him so he can see what type of wife and mother you’ll be in the future but don’t be too available for him or he’ll just get bored. Be honest with him but leave a little mystery and allow him to wonder about who you really are. Let him know what you want but don’t tell him too much as he will only use this against you later on. Be open but stay guarded. Be kind but remain strong. Be there for him but give him space. Be the cool the chick but make him chase after you a bit. 

I’m sure I’m not the first to say this but if it were with the right guy, would these games have to be played or could I just be myself and learn to make the little changes necessary (and willingly) to love and be loved? Couldn’t I just meet someone who loved me the way I know I could love them? An equal partner who knows that we both deserve: 

someone who calls you everyday because they love the sound of your voice. 

someone who is head over heels, madly in love with you and not just when it’s convenient but every single day. 

someone who can’t stand the thought of you not being in their life. 

someone who never makes you feel unwanted or just another option. 

someone who will fight for your love when you forget how amazing you are. 

someone who would never dream of hurting or disrespecting you. 

someone who will not only say but show they love you every single day. 

someone who will make the mundane, interesting and exciting. 

someone who can fight through and support you at the worst of times so that they can relish in and deserve you at the best of times. 

someone who can selflessly love you because they know you love them just them same. 

I don’t think I’m asking too much when I know that I’m capable of being the list above and so much more. 

Funny thing is, the past week I’ve tirelessly studied the pages of books based on love, breakups, heartache, when it’s his fault and your fault, how to fix a broken relationship, how to get and keep a man, how to say you’re sorry when he’s not and even how to just be alone. Bright side, I’ve caught up on reading and found little pieces of myself I didn’t remember I had. I also remembered how to stand up for myself and not accept any form of disrespect. Going from someone’s everything and ever so quickly their nothing couldn’t be more of a slap in the face. However I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t let yet another heartless and selfish man destruct my pure heart...

“I love, because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, friend turns into foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love.”  

When someone gives you their heart there’s no truer trust. When you break it, if they foolishly give you another chance you must humbly approach and be the best lover and best friend you can, from the bottom of your heart. If you can’t then apologize with all of your heart and let them go. 

No one ever says goodbye anymore though. They seem to just disappear silently. They never quite have the decency to look you in the eye and it hurts because these are the goodbyes that were never said but were so much deserved. 

I close the night out on this thought alone: 

The most beautiful thing we can learn, is how to let go; of grudges, the past, poisonous people. It’s a great measure of courage.

Don’t ever settle for being just “enough” for someone. Life is too damn short for ordinary love.