definitelyascientist

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_5.exe

Been off tumblr for a bit because life and work have been a lot. Not that I’m complaining, to be honest it has been busy yes but I am also just happy and excited. I recently got the prototype or a prototype system running, which is still far from anything functional, but it feels like the base is being build for my entire PhD project.

On that note I am constantly torn between “oh damn I’m doing so well” and “oh damn I’ll never manage this in time”. I am aware that this is one of the pitfalls of academia, but I’m trying to give myself these little moments, these wins. It’s important to acknowledge each step whether to hype or humble yourself.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_4.exe

Pretty sure this does not qualify as work from home but it’s also not the office hehe. I’m visiting my mama for a couple days, trying to work on the data I have been able to collect so far. It’s all starting to take shape which is fun but also terrifying. The latter mostly because it gives me less space to manoeuvre if something doesn’t add up the way it’s meant to. At the moment I am aiming for optimism tho.

[definitelyascientist]

weekend_2.exe

The past couple weeks have been exciting but also so exhausting. At least taking aesthetic pretentious pictures makes my brain happy and I get to romanticise my stress.

Anyways today I went to a conference at my uni and some of the talks were really fascinating, albeit not my area of expertise. Even though I didn’t present any poster myself, I got to talk about my project a lot and it just made me realise how much joy this journey brings me. When I signed up to go into science I anticipated or at least hoped it would, but having these moments of “I was right” really boost my confidence.

[definitelyascientist]

phd_4.exe

I wish I could say that my PhD journey is not riddled with me projecting onto fictional characters whenever I feel stuck.

Working on code? I’m drinking too much coffee yapping to an AI like Tony Stark would.

Labs not working out? I go play viola badly like Sherlock Holmes would.

And honestly, it works. Why shouldn’t I channel the people who inspired to get me here anyways? I have so far been more motivated than most of my peers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the autistic power of maladaptive daydreaming that got me here.

[definitelyascientist]

phd_3.exe

It is fascinating how differently I experience my PhD journey than my friends with the same supervisor or in the same group. I feel that having worked in service and jobs outside of academia, the setting of a distant manager is not as foreign as for those who had their undergrad supervisor feed them each step to graduation.

Where some complain about a distant and impossible to reach supervisor, I am quite glad that I can just do my own thing. My project brings me so much joy, and knowing that this is me learning, knowing, and developing something does wonders for my self-esteem.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_3.exe

07.02.25

It is truly astonishing how much joy taking pictures like this and studying can bring me. I feel like for the first time in a while I can do these silly things and not feel bad for not doing more, commercialising my joys. Tumblr is healing me compared to other platforms where you gotta keep posting and engaging or nobody will ever see you. I am sharing things because they bring me joy, and because I know others can enjoy them too.

In other news I have been able to read more papers AND to fine tune my algorithms for an upcoming experiment. It is so exciting I can’t wait if I am being honest, but taking my time to further understand what I’m going to do once I have the data is just as important.

[definitelyascientist]

weekend_1.exe

Went on a trip to another town yesterday to get a new tattoo. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to stop working and go out. Yes, I love my PhD and my project. If I was able to work on it non-stop I probably would in some aspects. But that’s how burnout happens, that’s why so many of my peers started to resent their projects and topics.

I don’t want that to happen to me. So going away for a day trip on my own was fantastic. And I’m a little obsessed with my new tattoo as well ✨

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_2.exe

[definitelyascientist]

𝔞𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔫𝔞

[definitelyascientist]

phd_2.exe

By now I have met many different people in my research group and department. It is fascinating to observe the dynamics everyone has with themselves and others. Engineers absolutely are some of the least social people I have ever engaged with and I honestly enjoy it. Which doesn’t mean they don’t yap. My desk neighbour frequently asks me questions that start with “as a girl what do you think.”

It is kind of endearing, but I also understand why some of the other femmes in the group are annoyed with the mascs.

[definitelyascientist]

wfh_1.exe

[definitelyascientist]

phd_1.exe

Calling this 1 feels a bit wrong, since I have started my PhD a couple months ago now. But it is the first time I am talking about it here so I got to deal with it.

Starting a PhD in a wildly different subject than any of your previous degrees is both exhilarating and humbling. For one I feel like a superhero who is just switching around saving the city and writing some hot new gossip. But then I try to feel connected to my peers, join in on conversations, but I have no clue.

I am aware that this position is a result of my own choices (mostly), but every day goes between "omg I am a genius" and "omg how have they not realised I am a fraud yet."

Nobody is a stranger to imposter syndrome (actually my MSc supervisor was. But sure increased mine.). And I hate to be the person that is pointing the finger at herself, screaming "oh little poor me, my imposter syndrome is so much worse than yours!", but I want to acknowledge the myriad of reasons why I feel like this. Even if I compare my imposter syndrome to those of my friends and work mates.

[definitelyascientist]

HelloTumblr.exe

With the state of the world, the state of social media, the state of...pretty much anything, I fear for who I might become. Anxiety, uncertainty, they are nothing new to me, but usually I was never happy when they came crashing in.

Is this what people were always annoyed with? That their misery inconvenienced their established routine? I feel like an alien studying human nature, but then again neurodivergent people are often depicted as such.

The reason I have started this blog is quite simple: I want to have access to a form of social media and expression that is not necessarily going to be linked to the downfall of humanity. ( I cannot emphasise how funny it is that tumblr is not the downfall of humanity after all).

I am a yapper with a desperate need for validation, so here I am.