depressedandangsty - Tumblr blog

[depressedandangsty]

Reality

Obviously no one is really engaging with this blog at the time of this post.

I made my first post over 4 years ago and haven't had any interest or engagement.

That is the beauty of me, I am resilient. I continue to persist regardless of what is going on. I can't quit so I find my own escapes, my own little wins, that help me to keep going.

I almost quit a job again. When I saw the writing on the wall I took the necessary steps to ask for help, inform others, and when no relief or assistance was provided I informed leadership I would be taking my earned PTO to think about my future and if it included them. They were gracious. I swore I was going to be fired but instead they took it for what it was and did what they could. I mean I wouldn't have made the promises and reassurances to the customer that the owner made but I guess that is why he figured it out.

That was a huge step for me. I typically just leave. But since I am actively trying to work on holding myself accountable, and addressing my lack of self-discipline and commitment to certain things, I didn't just run.

Being married, has made me understand the work that I need to do to improve myself, be more grateful, and gracious. I have to become the change I want and need. I have to grow so that I don't disappear into the nothingness that I fear.

I want to be someone but I don't know whom. But I don't want to be someone but I also don't want to be a nobody.

I have to spend on my hobbies and unfortunately none of them are cheap lol But I am also working on hobbies that will serve me in the future as well.

This is all a process and I am working on getting results and making permanent changes to continue to improve my foundation.

Wishing everyone all the best- always. 🐶💎

[depressedandangsty]

Signs or not?

At what point do you accept that things need to change? Is it when you have lost control? Is it when you don't know what else to do?

Change is a part of life. It is in the very fabric of life. Time. Seasons. Days. Nights. All markers of change. But as humans we tend to believe we have most everything figured out and then we are blindsided by life, a death, a loss... change.

To survive is to adapt and overcome. Some would argue to survive is to be one with change. To accept the unknown and to embrace it head on.

Hysterically, I have always 'run', or found my way towards the exit whenever I sense or see that I have no other option but to go. It normally isn't just one reason/incident, it is several that I identify as signals of impending doom.

And I find myself wondering if that flight or stay, in this example, is something that I need to change. No matter what I do, I find myself in a cycle, repeating the same situation, People, circumstances, even though I swear it is different, until it isn't lol

I know I am the common denominator in all of this. And so I wonder, do I change and ignore the signs or what?

[depressedandangsty]

Figuring out the 'Why'

Hello Everyone!

Hope all is well! Sooo a blessing and a curse is the ability or access to family history. The saying is that History repeats itself. And it really does, even if we 'learn' it/life lessons.

Always wondered what it would feel like to be the best. Like what is it like to be one of the celebrities.... But then you hear about their lives and the trauma they endured, and it doesn't seem so glamorous or worthwhile...

I can feel myself holding back. Not wanting to say the wrong thing because the wrong thing is present and wanting to come out. And I know it is a blessing to be self-aware and that some go their whole lives not knowing what they are doing or unable to get anywhere. But it can also be a curse to be so aware and so introspective or 'too smart for my own good' lol

Guess I am just trying to keep making progress even if it doesn't seem like it which is a challenge in it of itself lol

That is all for now. Always wishing much love, happiness, and peace 😊🙏 #hanginthere

[depressedandangsty]

Thank you @hannahcheeks and everyone who got me to 5 reblogs!

My Art

[depressedandangsty]

Update

Hi All!

First, wanted to say that hopefully everyone is alive and surviving if not thriving. Covid is now the new 'flu' which, if you understand biology, is of no surprise as it is a virus.

Second, I have been working these past few years back in the corporate world. Decided that a steady paycheck was important to get some financial stability. After I moved in with family, I realized how much I was struggling with my identity. I still struggle today but gained some tools on how to cope including art, dreaming big, and pushing myself to gain the self fulfillment that I yearn.

Third, I finished my MBA! It was a tough 2 years to say the least. Working full time at a new job and the struggles of life, but I survived it and graduated. It was freeing to revel in my accomplishment but then the reality of repayment dropped the other shoe.

I am learning (re-learning) invaluable lessons that I once took for granted. I worked hard for a promotion and got it and then quit after 8 months for a lower paying job that is a 1/3 less in pay and stress. But I painted my way through and started a business. I took a second job to help pay for my student loans and still feel lost but not like before.

Wanting to be financially free and create my own future that reflects my value is daunting and yet I know that my path, the path that will bring me true peace, happiness, and allow me to thrive, will not be easy lol I mean my life has neverrr been easy lol Even the times when I take a seat and just try to coast, phew that is harder and more soul-crushing i.e. the depression. It is like the depression and anxiety are the gauges to my life and track my fulfillment or lack of fulfillment.

I am 31 years old now, and starting to understand more and more that life is of your own choosing. Even deciding not to do anything or rather the decision of inaction is a choice and has consequences. So now, I am focused on trying to stay focused - focused on living, being present, dreaming big, doing the work, and managing myself along the way.

We all have the tools we need and there really isn't any excuse. There is an abundance of information and resources available but we have to be the ones to take the first steps of many to get to our dream destination. As I walk this journey, I will document how I fare as I am sure my dream destination has yet to be destined/designed but I have faith that I will get close and revel in the trek that only I could have traveled.

Wishing much happiness, love, and peace! Always rooting for y'all!!🙏🎉

[depressedandangsty]

My Art

[depressedandangsty]

Hello all :)

So I have been 'alone' ike living by myself for about a week tomorrow. Since my move out day is in May I decided to stay and take care of things here until I absolutely have to move out.

The first few days and nights were nice- I enjoyed having the bed all to myself and cooking and cleaning is so much easier when it is just for one person. It is nice watching whatever you want and idk I enjoyed the space.

Now almost 7 days into it, I am starting to reflect and question some things. First, I am starting to realize that may be my goals are just not what I want to do at all. Being alone has made me feel as though I am ok with just being a number and not trying to be a leader. I have seriously considered just returning to a 9 to 5 job where I could just fall into a routine and (in my opinion) do nothing worthwhile with my life. Guess this is my depression talking lol as I feel indifferent and not so motivated lol

I am not perfect even though I try to be and this idea of perfection stems from my religious upbringing which I truly found comfort and solace in as a naive child lol as allegations and other seedy behavior came to the light it made me seriously question those that I was blindly following lol

To an extent I feel that way now about my far fetched dreams and aspirations. At 27 I guess things would have gone differently for me by now but that's not the case. I don't want to keep driving 11 plus hours a day every day for a fraction of what i could make at a 9 to 5 job with my degree.

Just starting to feel as though i am going about things in the wrong way lol. Can't afford insurance doing food deliveries to get my neck fixed but staring at a monitor for 8 hrs is impossible for me without getting my neck fixed as well lol

'Shrugs' guess I am feeling a bit lost and just need to figure out some things lol

Well that's it for me lol this shower isn't going to take itself so until next time wishing everyone much love, peace and happiness 🙏👍

[depressedandangsty]

Hello all!

So I have some stuff on my mind that is causing some anxiety:

1st- I am nervous about moving back home. My family is a big source of my emotional/mental issues as most of these issues can be directly correlated to certain family memories. So as I await for the 5th to come I grow uncertain as to my living situation. I told my mother back in March that I was having some difficulties paying rent and that I was seriously considering moving home. She kindly and graciously offered me a place to stay (this was back in March). Come this past Saturday I stopped by to drop off some things and was shocked to see that the room where I would be staying was in complete disarray. When I mean disarray I mean packed full of things. My mother is a bit of a hoarder which is not unknown to me but I took my mother's word and was very disappointed that with less than 2 weeks my mother has not done her part. With that being said I have to begin thinking about other living arrangements which may mean i will be living in my car until my spouse (at her parents home) and I can find a place... And who knows how long that will take lol

2nd- Getting everything cleaned and taken care of for the move is also making me a bit anxious but this is a bit easier to address as I just need to make a plan of action and stick with it. I have already made the necessary calls for turning off and stopping various services so that's one thing off the albeit long list lol

3rd- I am anxious about my finances as i presume most are in this economy. Not sure when I will be on my own two feet but I just need to let it go as all if not most ppl are in this situation as well. Not that comforting but it is a fact lol

Welp my wife is calling so I must bid my adieu :)

Until next time wishing everyone much love, peace and happiness. Take care :) 🙏👍

[depressedandangsty]

Hello all!

Hope all is well during these strange and difficult times.

So I am moving back home, which is a big help financially as I won't have to pay rent but I will be losing some freedom as my hispanic family is controlling to say the least.

Moving back home also means that I won't be living with my wife for the foreseeable future as she is going back home to live with her family also.

I guess this is a good thing as our marriage has been a bit shaky as of late. I mean the pandemic definitely didn't help but it has been stressful since I had to leave my accounting job due to my neck issue amongst other issues like lack of communication, intimacy, and overall passion/fun.

A bit of background, I have been married a year and 2 going on 3 months. I fell in love with my wife for a number of reasons such as her personality, her work ethic, her calm demeanor and her passion for life. As of late, life has changed the both of us which I know happens. Through all of the ups and downs it seems we got a bit lost and brought our individual baggage and outside stressors into our home and we plateaued. So this move back to our respective parent's homes truly could not have come at a better time.

Marriage definitely isn't easy and it def isn't made easier when both partners are dealing with issues and trying to stay mentally healthy. Alas I digress.

So back to working out daily, singing, writing, doing art, making music, self care and self love. Can't wait to see what my future holds as I keep striving for my goals and dreams.

As always wishing everyone much love, peace and happiness. And stay safe and take care folks 🙏👍

[depressedandangsty]

I have been MIA for a while now and it was intentional and at the same time not.

With the current economic situation I have just been trying to keep it together.

Some background- I have a degree in business and hope to finish my MBA at some point in my life. I went from being an Accountant to doing deliveries for the delivery apps. This was due to a sustained neck issue that has yet to be resolved (not currently insured lol) so I have stayed away from a desk job until I am physically able to do so.

I haven't kept up with my working out as I intended.

I went out on a limb and sent an online audition for American Idol as my dream is to be a successful artist/singer and entertainer for a living.

Been having some rough patches in my marriage and tbh not certain if it is a temporary phase or if it is permanent. Due to the economy i/we decided to move back with our respective parents with the aim of eventually moving into a place together once our finances are stable.

Kind of torn but excited for this new stage/phase of my life as I have truly felt as though i have been just existing and not thriving.

I watch these people on the show 600 lb life and wonder if i will be able to resolve my emotional and mental issues so I won't end up eating all of my feelings and/or just 'frying' my brain as my fam says (avid supporter of the benefits of ganja) through self medication.

With that being said I have been taking some mood stabilizers that were prescribed to me and hope that once I get insurance I can figure out a treatment plan and get some help to overcome and combat my emotional and mental baggage. I know ganja will always be a part of my life but I do need some other tools and ways to cope and process stress and emotions.

Alas I know mental health is a process and a journey and I know this as I am living proof of it. Hoping my future is better than my past and my present but only time will tell.

Much peace, love and happiness to all. Be safe and take care 🙏👍💚💚

[depressedandangsty]

Post #5

Hello all !

So I had previously started a post earlier today but I guess I am new to this (obviously smh I am a bobo lol) and just learned how to save a draft so maybe now I can start keeping a genuine log/running post for a period of time/throughout the day. Since this post is meant to be a true account of my emotions (including depression and anxiety) the ability to save a post as a draft will allow that to happen. Anywhooo I digress lol so earlier I was in the formative stages of documenting my mood and overall disposition and from what I recall I was super depressed and empty and devoid of any semblance of energy or feeling. Like those depression drug commercials are a pretty decent illustration of what it is like living with depression. It is like a cloud that is always around you or near you and when it enshrouds you you are drenched in a level of intense bleakness that is truly indescribable (but i hope to do so thorough these posts). It is also like being in a fog or a constant haze.

Today, I had enough money to activate a feature in an app that I have recently begun to use to do dumbbell workouts. I truly am excited! The app is super user friendly and now with the feature to add extra exercises I feel like my 'cloud' isn't as close (it is still pretty close though -_-). And that my ideal body goals (a huge ways away from achieving them if ever smh lol) may be achievable. So here is to another little win for the day 👍🙏

Until next time always wishing much love, peace and happiness. And please feel free to send asks (just enabled them smh still learning about this app 😝😁), or comments etc. as in this digital world it shows you care 👍🙏

[depressedandangsty]

Depression post #4

Hello all! So just wanted to provide an update and what not.

First, instead of doing 'days' as with my other posts I will now just do post '#s' instead of the days as I can't keep up with the number of days at this point but I will try again during the next bout of depression :)

Anywhooo so today I truly realized that doing one thing a day is always what is best especially when doing anything is like impossible. It is like I am in a constant battle where my depression wants me to just rot and do nothing at all whilst my will to do a million things that I want to excel at is trying not to be crushed into oblivion by the weight and authoritative nature of my depression.

I see now that even a little win is still a win when your battle is an nonstop and continuously ongoing war. And the tools that you have to help you self care are your soldiers in this war and you need to keep them ready, well-trained, with the best equipment or else.

Sighs yeah I can see why this is an illness because it does not 'just go away'. It is truly a part of me...

Until next time wishing you much love, happiness and peace.

And as always in this world of distance please comment or share because it shows that you care 👍🙏

[depressedandangsty]

Day 3 of depression

Well hello everyone and anyone reading this :)

I am currently writing this as I wait for the water to warm up for a shower. This morning I woke up and worked out using a free app that I downloaded yesterday and it was a decent workout. I also made breakfast for myself and my wife. Seems like I may be getting out of this depressed funk soon I hope.

Sometimes I can't distinguish how I am supposed to be acting or not. Like I find myself being in a specific scenario and don't know whether I am supposed to join in or just observe or speak or just listen. It is like i am completely clueless to what I am supposed to be doing. I know I am supposed to be doing something but not sure what exactly.

I find myself in a scenario such as playing Mario party with my wife and at some point, after playing for at least a few turns, I am confused as to what I am doing and why I am playing a videogame especially since I truly don't care for videogames. It is like a part of me wants to do things and be social but the other part is just waiting for my feelings to get hurt or to be a negative nelly and alienate myself from others. It is like this part of me expects to be hurt and finds every single possible way for me to feel alone and ostracized and rejected and just miserable. It is like my childhood depression formed into its own persona and its mindset is to dish out and receive so much negativity. It is confusing and draining for me to keep that locked up all of the time when it clearly is a significant part of who I am and my perspective on life...

But the water is ready and I needs to shower lol part of my depression and, from what I have read, others depression is lack of hygiene or motivation to self-care, so I am forcing myself to do the latter :)

Til next time much peace, love and happiness :)

Also if you have a comment or want to reach out please do as in this world of distance it shows you care ❤

[depressedandangsty]

Post from yesterday- 'caught myself in a depression'

So hi :) this blog is about me and my daily/life struggles. ( I am stifling back tears as I write this post as this is pretty unusual for me to just speak my feelings and put this out there in the world without knowing the person or people in depth or at least knowing that they won't judge me as I do for them in kind i.e. just be there for them). For the past 25 years (I am 27 years old) I believe I have been struggling with what I know now is depression and anxiety. Back in 2012/13 I attempted suicide, was voluntarily hospitalized and officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Fast forward to today, I have been trying to deal with this on my own. I mean I do have family (that I have estranged myself from) and a spouse that I have been married to for over a year (definitely hasn't been a cake walk mostly my fault - more to come in later psots), but I still feel alone (I presume this has to do with the depression). I have had 'friends' but alas as with everything else in my life I have inevitably self-sabotaged those relationships. A bit more about me- my childhood was complicated and if anything not much of a childhood. At the age of 2, my biological father abandoned me, my siblings and our mother for another woman and never paid child support. As the oldest, I was forced into a position that to this day I know I didn't handle well, still harbor resentment and soul-crushing guilt about. IF you knew me during the ages of 2 to 18 yod (years old) you may have thought about how exceptional I was at school and sports and how 'happy' I was and successful at all that I did. But, that was just one facet of me. That was 'insert name' -the model student who worked hard and studied hard and always seemed to have the right answer or a kind word for anyone. Outside of school and extracurricular activities you would find me walking and taking public transportation. Or waiting endlessly for my stressed out and forgetful mother (who is now suffering from a white matter disease in her brain at the age of 50) to come pick me up from the endless activities that she would sign me up for regardless of what I wanted or knew she could handle. I was an adult before the law and any other child for that matter was considered an adult. This was formative and also disastrous for my identity and self-worth. Years later I would be unable to maintain decent jobs in the business world and I would always lay blame at the foot of the ones who were deemed competent (they totally weren't lol) to be in charge. I never had this problem in school but I did have some issues with my peers as I look back now, that makes sense as I was years and years older and more mature in emotional intelligence and baggage. Fast forward to today, I was reading an article on depression after being really moody this morning and upset and in a 'I couldn't care less' kind of mindset, after punching the punching bag my wife and I bought and still ending up in a mini crying episode (which was more like just a few tears and my self-deprecating thoughts) -the article was informative. As I read this personal article written by someone who deals with clinical depression and general anxiety I related whole-heartedly with her plight but not with all of the help and tools that she has in her arsenal to combat this 'illness' (I use quotes as I am still trying to grasp that depression and anxiety are mental illnesses and not some 'switch' or etch-o-sketch thing that can just be 'poof' with a snap of a finger or the right magic words be erased and long forgotten). Reading that article made me realize how much or rather how little progress I have made in dealing with my emotional issues. I am not sure I like the word 'mental' or rather the phrase 'mental illness' because for me it conveys that my head is off and that I have no reason or logic. TO me I feel the stigma when I say that phrase to myself even in closed quarters with no one around. I feel more broken than a compound fracture that needs several titanium bolts, screws, and rods for it to be 'fIxed'. I feel less of a person especially, one that had such a bright future in the eyes of everyone that saw me or 'knew' me back then in that 'childhood' of sucess. And looking back now all I see is the person that everyone wants/wanted me to be and not who I truly was/am which is the 'me' I am today. Just human. Just trying to figure out what all of 'this' - life, choices, people, the world,my purpose... I don't know those answers and I think that is what is slowly aiding my continuously losing battle with depression and anxiety. But I would like to find them and figure out those answers because I would love to be able to accomplish and fulfill them. Alas as you will soon realize I am a genuine rambler and I truly despise silence. As my once friends would tell you I enjoy a good laugh and making others happy even at the cost of myself. So, in short, welcome and thank you for taking a moment to read this blog. I guess this blog is for me to, I don't know, self reflect on what is going on in my life, keep my thoughts and moods accountable (since I hope someone or somebody will read this and maybe gain some benefit from all of my follies ;) ) and to just not feel so alone when I get depressed and anxious about my purpose and my past, my guilt and my somewhat uncertain view of my future. Some times life is so bleak and dreary and I truly know that my life isn't as bad as it is for others and that I have been blessed with so much that I can't focus on what I am missing and don't have. Until next time - much love, peach and happiness :) P.S. Please do not hesitate to comment, reach out to me, or share. In this modern day of distance it shows that you care :)