depressedchocolatecookie

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Hey. It's been a while. It's been three years. In those three years, life changed. A lot. My depression is gone. I'm not a depressed chocolate cookie anymore. Actually, my depression didn't stem from my mental health so much as it did from my overall health. Who would've known? I stressed myself enough that my thyroid was and still is eating itself up. I'm a year or two away from losing the whole gland just by stress alone. Well, anyways, that was the culprit behind the depression. It was horrifying to be in that space mentally and physically. Feeling like a zombie walking around, with no energy, restricting my food intake just to gain more weight, losing strength, losing hair, breaking nails, having dry skin, not sleeping well, having basically no bowel movements (sorry for the TMI) and of course, having all of those struggles be constantly criticized as laziness for not taking care of myself, for not working out, for not properly washing my hair, for not using enough lotion for my skin, for not glowing as my peers in high school did.

It was exhausting, numbing, and my family continuously refused to get me therapy. Until, they did get me therapy. I didn't do much there. I didn't get better there. My therapist was a fresh out of school one and she didn't help much. But she did give me some tools, and I found out about my thyroid while in therapy so she helped with that a bit as well. But hey, life didn't magically get better when I started fixing up my hormones right? Yeah, it's been a year and a half since then and they're still not doing what they should completely.

Then, I also got a chronic illness. I got Crohn's disease. All within a month. My doctors couldn't diagnose me, they were kinda sucky at their jobs. I had to go out of the country and get a great GI who eventually helped. From then on, it's been visits to the hospital to get my biologics medicine every other week and handfuls of medicine and vitamins daily. It's an exhausting disease, but now I know I'm not crazy and lazy. (Doesn't stop my imposter syndrome though hah.)

And then I got into college. I got into the Academy of Arts, and I'll be playing my muse, my violin, forever now. It makes me happy. I also met the most beautiful, handsome man there. And yes. We are happily in love and he is the love of my life. He keeps asking me to marry him when we're out of college. He prepares me food. He gives me back rubs when I have cramps and foot rubs to relax me. He kisses me every time he passes me. He comes to pick me up whenever he can even though it's making extra work for him and we don't have drivers licenses. He tells me he loves me all the time and stands up for me when needed. He doesn't push me away when upset, and he never gets mad. He doesn't make me do anything when I tell him no. He's kind and caring and loving and tender and gentle and cares for me as I was the most fragile glass in the world. His kisses melt away my worries and his hugs provide a safe space. It's been almost eleven months since we've entered this relationship. All the pain, sadness and numbness was worth it. Since now I have him. He's worth it all.

Maybe I should change my username now. That phase of my life is over. I think from now on I'll love everything and romanticize everything because oh God how it's divine to drown in love. I'm still grieving the life I've lost due to my illness, but I have people by my side who love em and are fighting it with me. So I'll be okay. I wish to love the way my people love me. I wish to give more love than I could ever receive. I want to make the world a place my depressed self wanted to live in.

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Life isn't quite what I thought it'd be, when I was a kid on VOIP

I thought when I get older, I'd marry her I told her

Now I'm 26 and I work in an office, 9 'til 5's not the best I'll be honest

If I could change a single thing, I'd make it me and not him :)

[depressedchocolatecookie]

You want the acclaim, the mother of mothers

It’s not worth it, Achilles

More poignant than fame or the taste of another

Don’t listen, Achilles

But be real and just jump, you dense motherfucker

You’re worth more, Achilles

You will not be more than a rat in the gutter

So much more than a rat

You want my opinion, my opinion you’ve got

No one asked your opinion

You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts

No one asked for your thoughts

Be done with this now and jump off the roof

Be done with this now and get off the roof

Can you hear me, Achilles? I’m talking to you

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Why is it that when the best things happen to me make everything worse? Do I not deserve them? I do don't I? I worked hard to get those good things to happen. So why do I feel guilty that they happened to me? Why do I want to step into quicksand and let myself be devoured by the very same sand that can't take any more weight on its shoulders much like myself? I mean, the walls are already caving in aren't they. They're coming closer, and closer and closer until they start squeezing so so tight. So tight that I can't breathe. So tight that I can't pick up my most beloved; friends and family, pets and plants, and my dear, dear violin. They're becoming so tight that I stop trying to reach for the best because its right there but I know I can't get it. No matter how. Hard. I. Try.

The walls are there. They're squeezing. They're getting tighter. And then there comes the pain of the broken bones and the lack of air as my lungs are being crushed and not squeezed so tight I can't take a breath. And I scream and claw and gnaw but I just can't get that something I want. It's all right out of my reach.

So I surround myself with the people I love right? Let them take those walls down or push them away but it feels like they're leaning on them and crushing me even further.

I try doing something I like, playing an instrument, reading a book or writing a post but my motivation and concentration and will is crushed along with my bones by those walls.

I try to sleep but the walls find their way in my head and wake me up or they will eat me from the inside like a flock of hungry piranhas waiting for their next meal.

So why is nothing ever good enough for me? Why do the good things make it worse? I do deserve it. I fought for it. I worked for it. I gave it my everything. But is it worth it after this fight? The battle has been won but at what cost?

I used to work for whatever I wanted. I'd stand up, reach out and get it. I got what I wanted now too but there's something in there that makes me want to throw all of that away.

It's 2am and the moon shines down on my building, just out of reach, and just far enough that those gentle rays don't come through my blinds to my room. Oh the moon. Oh the moon and her beautiful rays. How I wish her touch would caress me in my bed and tuck me in for sleep.

They're coming closer.

Please don't suffocate me.

Good night.

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Gotta love feeling depressed at 1am when everyone in my house is sleeping makes me wanna make myself some green tea and write a badass book abput dragons and mythology overlapping with like the 18th or 17th century but my green tea sucks (I bought the wrong brand and its ew), my laptop is out of battery, my parents would murder me if I goy up and I'm actually too depressed to do anything. Hey tumblr :)

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Ladadee ladadadoo ladada me ladada you! :)

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Or just sit down because you're too lazy to stand and yell "weee" while you slowly slide down the slope and eventually stop a few meters from where you started.

Why would anyone go skiing wouldn’t it be easier to just stay in your house :/

[depressedchocolatecookie]

Hey!

Just wanted to let you know that I love you!

[depressedchocolatecookie]

That moment when you meet a guy who looks exactly like one of the hottest actors you know of and actually get a number 🤤

[depressedchocolatecookie]

You know that feeling when you're so stressed and worried about stuff so you finally let yourself cry because literally nothing is going your way and then you just feel tired and numb? Like I just want to sleep and disappear into my room without anyone bothering me for a week. The worst feeling in the world.