depressionspeaks - Tumblr blog

[depressionspeaks]

37,000 people die EVERY DAY in traffic accidents. Here I am speeding and weaving through traffic… and I’m still f*ing here! I want someone to say, you know what, you’re right… you really don’t have a reason to live. Where’s my high school bully, Mark something…. I’m sure he’d tell me.

[depressionspeaks]

Do you think you have a good relationship with your PCP? Well, mention you’re having suicidal thoughts. You think they want to help you, but they don’t. They just wanna do whatever it takes to protect their ass. They don’t want a lawsuit coming down on top of them. Mine completely cut me off, no blood pressure medicine no refills, no call back, I can’t even access my patient portal. i’m already feeling lost and alone, and now my doctor won’t even return my calls. They hear suicide and they shut down. They will not help you, they won’t even talk to you. DO NOT tell your doctor. They’re not asking you because they want to help, they’re asking you so they can report you to their supervisor and drop you. They pretend to care… but don’t fool yourself. That’s the thing about suicide, everyone’s to scared to help you. 

[depressionspeaks]

I feel suicide and abortion are in the same league. My body, my choice. The Drs say no, suicide is a mental disorder. I’m not crazy, I’m perfectly sane, I’m smart and I make educated decisions. You’re trying to “fix” something that’s not broken. I wasn’t taught at an early age how to handle my emotions. I simply don’t want to go back and relearn 40 years of thinking and problem solving. When you say suicide to a Dr, they immediately tell you to check yourself in to a mental clinic for a 72 hour hold and evaluation. If you say abortion, the Dr immediately calls a social worker and they provide you with other options, and you make a choice. If you want the suicide stigma to stop, it has to start with education. More people like me need to post, so we feel validated.

[depressionspeaks]

Do you know how hard it is to take your own life? There’s something inside you that just fights you. You want to slit your wrist, go ahead. But let me tell you, it hurts. You think it’ll be fast and get it over with but your body won’t let you. You have to keep slicing the same spot over and over to get it deep enough. If you don’t, you wind up like me.. with a scar down your arm. Now everyone knows you tried and failed. It’s humiliating, then all of a sudden all these people want to be your friends. “Are you okay?” “What can I do?” You can go on being the self centered person you were before. Like they’re going to say something that just changes your mind and you start spouting rainbows or some shit. It’s exhausting being happy all the time, pretending everything’s great.

[depressionspeaks]

Do other people have these thoughts? Do you feel the hopelessness? Is it just me? I don’t know why people don’t want to talk about depression and suicide. It makes me feel even more isolated… maybe I AM the problem. I can’t even make basic decisions now… it takes so much effort to pretend everything’s okay everyday. It’s exhausting. Life is supposed to be easy right? Why is it so hard for me?

[depressionspeaks]

I hate waking up early. I completed another day…. My reward - another day to get through. They don’t stop.. you don’t get a “break” from living. You can’t stop the worked and just regroup. I’m numb, I don’t think life is supposed to be like this. Counting down the hours until the next day. People say look to the future, look at 10 years from now. All I see is thousands of hours, days I have to get through. I don’t want to do this anymore but there’s something that’s holding me back and I don’t know what that is. Why can’t I just end it all? I mean the pain is bad enough. What’s stopping me?

[depressionspeaks]

I want to be important to someone. I want to feel wanted. I move about in an alcohol daze hoping someone will love me. I’m so alone, but I don’t want to be around people. I need someone who just pushes into my life and tKes over. I can’t do this alone. I’m so down... I don’t want to live anymore. Why can’t everyone see I need help?

[depressionspeaks]

Suicide. When you mention suicide people panic. They start telling you all you have to live for and things get better and you have a mental issue and you need help. But what if they’re wrong? I feel perfectly fine right now and I believe suicide is the best answer. Ive gone through hundreds of scenarios and this is the best one. I’m not crazy, I’m not in need of assistance. I’ve made a choice. I want someone to say, “you know what? You’re super smart and if this is the decision you’ve come up with then I agree.” It’s not fair to think all people who commit suicide are sick or need help. What if we’re right, and all of you are wrong?

[depressionspeaks]

Depression and suicide are not socioeconomic illnesses. Skin color, religion, income... none of that makes a difference. Was I born with this fault, was it a learned behavior from my parents, was I doomed by the very beginning with my genes? How do I stop it? How do I prevent it? People say “oh, you have ups and downs in life.” No. This is a constant battle, I’m suppose to retrain my brain. It’s consistently correcting my thinking until I think differently. It’s exhausting and I’m not all that sure it’s worth it.

[depressionspeaks]

After a hard day of emotional chaos, I get this overwhelming feeling of indifference. No...I’m not bipolar. My body has just endured a large amount of emotions and I just feel spent. My arms take effort to move and I just lose all energy. I keep telling myself - there’s nothing I can do about it. I hydrate after a long night of drinking and lay on the couch and hope sleep finds me. It’s during these times I want someone to be here with me.

[depressionspeaks]

Most people don’t understand how hard it is to make it through the workday without crying. I can barely hold it together. I avoid people because I’m afraid they’ll say something and I’ll start crying. Im starving but my stomach has so much acid nothing will stay down. I just count down the hours until I can go home and lose myself in 8-10 oz of vodka. It dulls the depression and sometimes I can sleep. My body is so neglected. I can’t take care of myself. I truly need help, but there’s no where for me to go. No one wants to hang out with someone who’s always sad... I get it. I don’t even want to be around myself.

[depressionspeaks]

Are you okay? No. I am NOT okay. I’m seriously considering suicide. I have nothing to live for. I don’t make a difference in anyone’s life, I have no goals, no accomplishments to achieve . I’m not even a productive member of society. I have nothing to give, no one counts on me. I’m alone. I need someone to give me purpose. Are you ready for that? Of course not so Instead, I just say, yeah... I’m fine.

[depressionspeaks]

I hate when someone says “it’ll get better.” First, you don’t know that. And yea, it DOES get better. But for every good day there are 3 bad ones. So I’m just supposed to hang on for those 3 Days to have one good day? That’s bullshit. I really feel like everyone else has their shit together and I’m just barely hanging on. It takes all my efforts and concentration just to pretend I’m good. I get home and I fall apart, I’m so exhausted acting cheerful all day. Then people wonder why we commit suicide... they seem so happy. That’s because i have to. I don’t want everyone to know that I can’t get my life together. They can’t comprehend the immense amount of sadness and hopelessness you feel. They want to make things better, but they can’t. It’s a mental battle inside my head. It’s constant, it never sleeps, never rests. It’s devastating, debilitating it’s a constant drain on your energy and well being.

[depressionspeaks]

I’m tired of pretending that I’m ok. I’m tired of eating, I’m tired of taking my meds. I need help, but when I ask I get help that doesn’t work. I want a drug I can take and it makes all the thoughts stop. It’s a constant battle with yourself. You can’t escape, you can’t walk away. There’s no where to go. I see the allure of alcohol and drugs. I’m not strong enough to get through this, I just want it to end. People say, it’s going to get better. But it doesn’t.. it might for a day. But it doesn’t last. I’m so down, I’ve cried all day. I can’t keep living like this.

[depressionspeaks]

I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay. Listening to other peoples complaints... I’m trying to face getting up every morning. Everyone says it’ll get better, and it does for a day or two. But things ALWAYS fall apart again. I’m leery when something good happens because I know it’s only temporary. I don’t want to keep going through these up and down emotions. I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting. I just don’t think life should be this hard. Are others having this much trouble? I feel like I’m the only one struggling.

[depressionspeaks]

It’s tough pretending everything is okay. People ask if your ok, and you any so badly to say no... I need help. But you can’t! They can’t help you, they panic snd say “maybe you should see a therapist “. Great. A female half my age who’s never been married or has kids. Someone who’s never been through what I’m going through who’s gonna tell me how to get through it. No. I’ll keep struggling by myself. I’ve tried to get help... they give these simple answers because they really don’t know what to do.

[depressionspeaks]

Life is hard. I constantly second guess myself. If someone says they miss me or would like to see me, I think they say it just to make me feel better. I don’t want to keep doing this. People complain about being bullied but what happens when you’re bullied by your own brain? Is this a learned behavior or did I inherit it? It’s a constant fight to get up in the morning... then in the evening I say “what did I even live for today?” I need something that stops my thoughts. I see the allure of drugs... I never thought I would turn to them but I’m desperate. I don’t even know where to get them.