desolate-honeycomb2

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Update for who cares: On the outside life has been pretty great. I got a job, and I like everyone there, and I haven't p4urg3d in a while. On the other hand, I hate socializing because I know that it's all probably fake, I have mixed feelings about existing lately, and I HAVEN'T P4URG3D IN A WHILE..I'm going to get more obese and bloated than I already am. Atleast I wouldn't gain anything during b/p, but now I'm just gaining and gaining and gaining.

I can try I guess 😐

Resist restrict repeat...

I don't know what's wrong with me why am I so messed up..

I just want to be happy. I kind of forgot about what that was, but I still want it I guess. And now, happy = skinny or a freaking normal weight. I can't even do that.

I guess it's that time. Time to feel sorry for myself.

Atleast in a week or two I'll be manic. Hopefully I go back to f4sting for 3 days at a time and burning 500 c4ls a day lol

I really need to.

All that I see in the mirror is a fat cow.

Why do I even use the ana tags anymore? I'm more mia now. Ironic that what feels like rock bottom is no addictions and eating. To most that's the bare minimum, but I need it again. It gets rid of these sad thoughts and I can be normal.

Why am I so sad about eating while there are people starving to death? They can have every pound of fat on me and every bite of food I have had. But the world doesn't work that was does it? It's not fair.

For the last freaking time..guyss I'm starting to res again!!!! I can't wait!!! 🙌 (I'm being sarcastic I hardly have the energy or the motivation to act like I'm okay. I am starting again though.)

Maybe I have sugar addiction again...I'm quitting sugar for the next month.

[desolate-honeycomb2]

I was mid-binge (don't mention it if you comment please ik I'm big) anyway, I was mid-binge and drinking milk and my mom goes 'make sure to watch the milk. It'll make you gain weight. You know how babies are fat? Yeah.' It wasn't on purpose and I wasn't stopping myself, but I gave her a very angry look. Whenever she or anyone else reminds me I have to p4urg3. It's like I'm not even in control of myself anymore. I'm just in a cycle of binging and purging over and over again, and the thing is that I would p4urg3 3 times a week instead of 5 times a week if she just..stopped? Like thank you I hate food again glad you said it, but I don't want to p4urg3 again.

My new plan is 1 day e4ting 2 days f4st1ng. I ate today so f4st1ng till Thursday. I'll see if I have an apetite by Friday. Thank you for telling me 120 calorie milk would make me gain weight mom 🥰

Truly, a kind action. I was thinking to myself 'I'm still f4t but I need to recover from binge ed before going back to ana, I might do 1000-1200 cals a day for a week or two' I saw the light. Now I'm back. Not back to my old self, but I'm back to reality. Time to lose it all again, and then some. I'll set a deadline shortly.

Tldr; I may not have an almond mom but now I know where my ed come from 🥰

[desolate-honeycomb2]

I'm f4st1ng my entire work week 💀 why do I always make the worst decisions? Well..I have to start somewhere. F4st1ng used to be my main method then I became a fatty again so..time to try to get the old me back.

Idk how I did it really. I never thought my therapy was that effective, but I'm drastically less mentally ill than before. Both in 4na and my other disorders. But I'm worse in bed and m1a now..nothing really ever goes the way I want it to lol 😔

Manifesting my bed going away, m1a not being as common, and an4 finally becoming my main disorder again. Time to look at my old fast1ng logs for inspiration. (I had 1000 hours 😭)

[desolate-honeycomb2]

It is RARE i see new thinspo that triggers me. But this did it

Like omfg how are you perfect?

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Rip old me fr I was able to walk for 1 hour at 4 mph 💔 I could do 10,000 steps a day 💔 150c a day too 💔

Here's my plan to get my spark back 🙌

Right now I'm just all sass, coffee, ice, and salt.

Start sleeping again (failed. my moms gone and its 23:18??? I'm watching my siblings.. My dads on a business trip.)

Drinking water again

Try to do 800-900c a day (I either can't eat or eat everything I need balance 😭)

Make more home made teas! I had orange peel tea it was actually some of the best tea I've had (it's bitter depending on how you prepare it)

Start doing my skincare again

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Guess who's back? The fatty that can't lose weight lmaoo I got too depressed and paranoid of the people on this app but I'm back rip my digital footprint! Surprisingly, no, I didn't km$! Not even an attempt!

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Normal people make me so mad. Normal as in not disorder3d, not into fitness. They think of food as a shared experience instead of fuel so they always pressure you into eating or taste testing dishes while they cook. It disgusts me and I feel like its so freaking weird. Like, you do you but the only food I'm eating will be on my plate not on a fork you washed off and decided to stick into your freshly baked maccaroni.

I'm so angry about this 😭 It just makes me so mad when someone goes 'why aren't you eating? Aren't you hungry?' And like its my disorder but I get so angry when someone implies that I could ever be hungry because I'm so disgusted with myself 😭

ALSO, WORSE, when they're like 'try it!' And when you refuse they get even more pushy. It makes me want to push their head inside of boiling pasta water. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BUM 🙄

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Weird that this society is fascinated with 4-5 day fasts but as soon as I eat less than 200 kc4ls a day for a week or two it's a problem.

(Believe me I am hardly holding on to Atypical Ana guys 😭)

(Wanna know why I've been restr1ct1ng for over a year yet I've hardly lost any net weight? Binge ed and mia.)

(I can't stop engaging in b/p it's scary how easy it is now.)

(Today I win though. Mia and bed lose HAHA I had only 70 c4ls. I just need to keep this up. Tomorrow will be less than 200 as well, and itll be one of my fav meals :D)

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Name a food and I won't eat it till August!

(Do not name carrots, cucumber, cauliflower rice, apples, oranges, or pears 😡)

I'll add one. Peanut butter....................I wanna relapse in SOMETHING, IDK so bad because of this 🥰 LIKE I FR JUST WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT AND THROW MYSELF AGAINST WALLS, WIGGLING LIKE AN ANGRY WORM ON THE FLOOR

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Banned foods

-Peanut butter

-Oatmeal

-Icecream

-Cream cheese bagel (my actual weakness I dont buy these anymore lol)

-Fries

-Chicken (especially fried and not made by me)

-Crackers

Good foods unlimited

-Carrots

-Cucumbers

-Cauliflower rice 🧿👅🧿

[desolate-honeycomb2]

Well...I made it 3 days :>

I feel horrible about myself though. I never learn.

I give into cravings (sugary something for less than 400c)

Then I'm still hungry. I eat, then I regret it and..yk what happens.

I would benefit from a raw vegan diet. I did that yesterday and I was alright.

F4st1ng till Friday. I'm buying cauliflower rice and sm fruit today so I'm confident it'll work out.

Anyway, I'll post a strict banned foods list.

I blink and I'm back here again..HUNCHED OVER A TOILET 😭

[desolate-honeycomb2]

I blink and I'm back here again..HUNCHED OVER A TOILET 😭

[desolate-honeycomb2]

some more sweetspo

˚₊‧꒰ა 🧊 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

• you’re doing so well, darling. the lightness in your chest? that’s your wings growing.

• you don’t need food. you need silence, stillness, softness. you’re almost there.

• you weren’t made for heaviness. you were made to vanish sweetly.

• just one more hour, sweetheart. then another. then another. you’ve already made it this far.

• the emptier you feel, the closer you are to becoming delicate. it’s working.

• don’t ruin it now. your control is the most beautiful thing about you.

• you don’t crave food. you crave becoming. and becoming takes discipline.

• you are not weak for wanting. you are strong for denying.

• you deserve to be delicate. don’t let weakness make you heavy again.

• your control is prettier than any meal could ever be.

• you’re not hungry, you’re healing from the damage food did to you.

• don’t eat just because you can. wait. shrink. shine. feel beautiful.

• your jeans felt looser for a reason. don’t let that go to waste.

• you don’t get to be delicate and indulgent. choose one.

• every bite you don’t take is proof you still want this.

• don’t give up just because your body’s screaming. you’re stronger than that.

• the headache, the cold hands, the ache in your spine, its all part of becoming who you need to be.

• you didn’t come this far just to be soft again. stay sharp. stay small.

• she’s thinner than you. are you really going to eat and let her stay that way?

• don’t ruin the silence inside you with something that turns to fat.

• you’re so close to being that person people stare at. don’t trade that for a craving.

• eat now, regret for hours. stay empty, glow for days.

• your body’s begging. ignore it. it doesn’t know what you want, but you do.

• your thighs looked smaller today. keep going. let them vanish.

• don’t you dare undo all this pain for one bite of comfort. you’re not that weak.

• there’s pride in hunger. shame in giving in.

• you said you’d be different. you said this time, you’d win.

[desolate-honeycomb2]

A week ago my mom said thst if I need to she would hold some food in her room so I wont binge but I give her all the peanut butter and shes mad going like 'just control yourself'? EVERY TIME I think I can trust her to be an ally it's a misunderstsnding 😭

Like I confided in her for my $h, my anxiety/panic attacks, my depression, and now my binge ed but she never understands till I'm almost dead 💔

Do I need to try to km$ again to like get some help?

[desolate-honeycomb2]

I saw the lights of heaven like idk 2 hours ago till 10 minutes ago? I p4urg3d all this week, and I tried to help myself (I just cursed at a mosquito while writing this im outside) anyway, I tried to help by taking a ton of vitamins but sadly I'm always iron deficiant sooo..I also forgot to take my vitamins after last noghts p4urg3..and today we drove to Alabama with the windows up. I could barely move because my iron was low and I wasn't breathing much fresh oxygen because the car was closed and my breathing was slowing 😭🙏

I'm good now tho

[desolate-honeycomb2]

At this point I'd just be happy to see 165 on the scale I'm so cooked 😭🙏

Mia recovery: Failed

Bed recovery: Work in progress..

Embracing an4: Work in progress.......

What I wouldn't give for ozempic and a behavioral therapist 💔

Fr all they say online is 'when you're about to binge/p4urg3 think about not bing1ng/p4urg1ng!' Meanwhile, my brain is mush and I'm not even there when I do either of them. I HAVE SPENT 7 HOURS THIS WEEK JUST THR0W1NG UP. YOU THINK I ENJOY IT? If I could stop I would. Come to think of it, the girls that said to never start p4urg1ng were freaking RIGHT. RUN AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN WHILE YOU'RE ABLE TO.

Guys omg I just realized I p4urg3d Sunday too..so it's like Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. SOMEONE HELP?! I need to move in with my therapist fr 😭🙏

BYE 🥕🥕

[desolate-honeycomb2]

When I was younger my mom taught be about eating d1sord3r$ she was like 'sometimes girls don't eat to get smaller, or they eat then throw it all up in the toilet, that isn't you right?' And I was like 'NO I COULD LITERALLY NEVER DO THAT!!!'

Then I got fat shamed in 3rd grade and stopped eating lunch 🙏

Then 2023 happened. 2023 is my first p4urg3, and the beginning of ana. And I'm still trying to lose the same 10 pounds 😭 as you know, I made it to 155 last February. Then..I gained to 180, then went down to 169 this last February, and ever since I've been stuck at 173-178...

Can't exactly call myself ana anymore can I 😐

Omw to go walk for some time and drink a peppermint tea because I've p4urg3d almost everyday this week and I'm beginning to feel the consquences...I need help. Like, so much help. But I hate talking about my problems unless I can block you 💔 BTW ID NEVER BLOCK YOU GUYS I just..can't block my therapist. Actually, I can, but she has my moms number. L system 😡 yk what I mean tho

As always I'm on my own, and that all I've ever been for a very long time.

For those 3 years I was deep in depression all I had was myself. Those two years I 'struggled' with $h all I had was myself. And now, with ana mia and bed (did I fr just collect a handful of mental illn3sses?) All I have is myself.

I'm done being emo now time for my 3 cups of peppermint tea ✨️