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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Barton Fink (1991) Review

The Coen brothers are an odd bunch, with most of their movies ending up a coin toss between brilliant works of art or pretentiously boring slogfests.

Barton Fink is one brilliant ones.

Made in 1991, the film is itself set fifty years earlier in 1941 where Barton Fink (John Turturro), an aspiring playwright finally lands a hit. Summoned to Hollywood to write for the pictures, Fink reluctantly agrees after learning he will be paid 2,000 dollars a week. Unable to pass up such an offer he heads down only to find nothing but misery.

Things start down hill almost immediately as he arrives at an empty hotel, barren of all but himself. Hitting a bell to call for an attendant he listens to the grating ring for seconds on end as no one appears, hinting more and more to the loneliness he will soon find himself in. When suddenly Steve Buscemi appears, apparently from below, to give him his room.

Once in his room the visuals and symbolism roar into action as he slowly but surely watches the shiny veneer of Hollywood peel away like the wallpaper in his room. Along the way he runs into Charlie Meadows (John Goodman) an insurance salesman who lives a few rooms down, as well as W. P. Mayhew (John Mahoney) a writer that Fink admires who is working in Hollywood as well.

And to go any further would require full spoilers as the movie goes places that I truly did not expect.

Either way the film is masterfully acted, especially by Goodman who steals the show anytime he is on screen. Aided by a brilliant deconstruction of Hollywood and writing in general, as well as truly gorgeous shots thanks to Cinematographer Roger Deakins, the film is a magnificent ride through the mind of a writer forced into what feels like prison or enslavement with the only problems being in the ending, especially a scene near the end where Fink goes to a dance, which just seems so out of place. As for the film itself, it, like a lot of other Coen films, just sort of ends, again to its detriment.

Final Verdict

4/5

A masterful work by the Coen brothers and a brilliant deconstruction of writing in Hollywood.

Spoiler Review

Entering his new hotel room, Barton Fink sets up what little items he has before going to his new boss Jack Lipnick (Michael Lerner), another actor who does a fantastic job with what little screen time he is given. There Fink is told to write a Wrestling film.

What to do, what to make it about, all of that is up to Fink, so long as it is not fruity, has a love interest, and is about wrestling.

Having never been in such a situation, Fink quickly finds himself suffering from writers block with only a paragraph written after days and weeks. Along the way he talks with John Goodman, whose introduction is comically terrifying as Fink hears someone making noise a few rooms down, calls the bellhop (Steve Buscemi) and asks for him to take care of it. Buscemi immediately calls Goodman who stomps his way down to Finks room, all of which Fink hears but does not see.

Eyes wide, Fink meekly answers the door where we are greeted to Charlie Meadows (John Goodman). After saying sorry, Charlie quickly becomes friends with Fink and the two chat it up almost daily in what are some of the best scenes of the film as Goodman pours his soul into his character.

One interaction in particular is subtly hilarious as Charlie complains about housewives being overly rude to him even though he is, in his own words 'Only offering peace of mind.' For minutes Charlie rants, telling Fink how he was mistreated, yelled at, and belittled all throughout the day until finally he called it good and went to the doctors on Finks urging. Charlie than tells Fink how the doctor tells him that he only has an ear infection, asks for ten dollars and than tells Charlie to be on his way. To which Charlie says he responded by raging and cursing out the doctor. Which is funny since the doctor did his job, he told Charlie what was wrong, cured him of any anxiety or worry about his problem, and in essence 'gave him peace of mind.' And what does Charlie do, but rant and rage of course because he feels like the man has ripped him off. Just like the women who belittled him feel like he is trying to rip off them. All of this is told off offhandedly with neither character connecting the dots.

Which is what the film does a lot. Set up jokes, explain details, but only in such a way as to be noticed by the viewer. Other moments of subtle comedy come from the Writers being placed in writers rooms as if they were in a stockade, with each writer kept in his cell.

Or how the opening Hotel scene is empty, as is the rest of the hotel, with only Goodman and Buscemi to be seen, despite the fact that Buscemi is constantly seen cleaning the shoes of all the other guest. None of them are ever seen, none of them are ever mentioned because to Fink they don't matter. To him he feels trapped. To him he is alone.

For the first half of the film we watch Fink slowly loose all respect in Hollywood, as he is forced to write garbage instead of create art. He even meets a writer he respects (John Mahoney), only to learn that the man is a drunk, a sellout, as well as a cheat and an abuser as he screams, curses, and beats his girlfriend/assistant. And in the end he learns the worst thing of all when he invites the mans assistant over to help him with his writing, that the man has not even written his own work, and instead his assistant has been doing it for years. At that point he collapses, falling to his bed as the assistant starts to flirt with him, with a deadline within hours and nothing to show for it, it finally connects with Fink that Hollywood is a business. And as it does him and the assistant start to make out on his bed as the camera goes to the bathroom and the drain. A visual reminder of how everything has literally gone down the drain for Fink. And from there I thought I knew where the movie was heading, he would write some garbage, fall into a slump and slowly turn into John Mahoney.

Instead the film takes a drastic and severely violent left turn as Fink wakes up next to the assistant who has been killed. Blood pooled over one half of his bed.

Screaming in fright, Fink loses it, as Goodman rushes over to ask whats wrong.

'Everything is fine.' Fink tells him only to have second thoughts.

Running to the mans room he pounds on the door and asks to be let in as he needs to tell Goodman something. Goodman instead quickly refuse him entrance and tells Fink that they should talk in his room. At that point red flags start flying as it looks like Goodman is the killer.

Even when the man sees the body, rushes to the bathroom and pukes, it looks as though he is the killer. If only because there has been no one else.

With no time to lose, Fink heads to his boss, where he is supposed to tell the man the general story he has written. Fink begins to explain his only paragraph, only to stop and make up a lie about how he doesn't like to tell people about his stories before he finishes them. And somehow it works.

Mostly because Michael Lerner sells it as a mad producer, falling to his knees in front of Fink and kissing his foot as he praises the mans genius and art.

After that Goodman leaves, having to return to his head office as he has done a few times before. Leaving Fink alone in his blood stained room with a box. A box he tells him not to open as it holds something special of Goodmans. As thanks for helping him, Fink tells him that if he ever wants a warm meal he should stop by his parents house and tell them Fink sent him. Saying goodbye, Fink is left alone with only his continual writers block as company.

The next day Fink is confronted by a pair of detectives in the lobby of the hotel where he learns that Goodman is a serial killer who has killed multiple men and women, including the housewives who belittled him and the doctor who wanted ten dollars.

Lying about what he knows of Goodman, Fink returns to his room where he finally has the inspiration he needs. In a frenzy he begins to write, blocking off the outside world as writes and writes and writes. All the while the heat of LA continues to rise as the characters sweat more and more. Not that Fink cares anymore as he plugs his ears, locks his doors, and writes.

It is a perfect portrayal of what writing is like when inspiration hits, as the man wants no interruptions, no distractions, lest he lose his spark. He needs to get it all out before it is gone. And if he has to look and act like a coke head so be it. His art must be made.

And thus it is. At which point, Fink goes to a dance for soldiers who are about to head off to war, in a scene that comes off as strange and incredibly out of place. It even ends with a ridiculous fight between the army and the navy over basically no reason.

The scene comes and the scene goes, and in the end you wonder why it was there, as it has no effect on the story or characters and instead feels like something that should have been cut, especially with it so close to the climax of the film.

In the end it does not matter and serves only to get Fink out of his room so that the two detectives can be in it when he returns.

Reading over his script, one of them calls it garbage before the two question Fink about the blood stained mattress, the death of W. P. Mayhew as well as the finding of his assistants body, minus her head. With no alibi, Fink is quickly handcuffed to the bed as Goodman returns.

Stepping out into the hall, the two detectives watch as a fire is started and Goodman appears, silhouetted in the flames, he rants like a madman before rushing the pair with a shotgun in hand. Running down the hall, screaming like a lunatic as the flames spread from room to room beside him, he quickly kills the two detectives before making his way into Finks room.

There he tells Fink how he hated him for coming to his house and demanding he be quite, to which Fink quickly apologizes only for Goodman to smile and say its fine.

With that Goodman breaks Fink free with his bare hands, tells him the box is not his nor is it special to him, and leaves for his own room but not before telling him how he met Finks parents.

In a panic Fink leaves, box under one arm and script in the other as the hotel burns down around him.

Clear of the murder case, and with Goodman and the detectives dead and gone, Fink finally gives his script to his boss. Who is now dressed as a colonel.

At which point the final joke of the film, the ultimate irony and the entire point of the film happens as the boss tells him his script is terrible. That he did not want a piece of art or thought provoking masterpiece but instead a piece of garbage about wrestling.

Under contract Fink is than forced to stay in Hollywood where his boss will not allow anything he writes to be made or published.

And thus we come to the point of the film where in Fink, the writer, like the Coen Brothers, learn that Hollywood producers do not want art they want product. They want something to sell and they want to make money. Nothing else matters and in the end Fink is left broken and distraught on a beach as a woman walks up to him, sits down and emulates a picture he had hanging in his room.

And that is the problem. The film just kind of ends.

There is no real resolution.

No satisfaction. You never find out what is in the box, you never find out what Fink is going to do.

Nothing.

He just sits devastated on a beach and the film ends.

And while not a bad way to end the film, it does leave an unsatisfied taste in ones mouth as they realize all the loose ends that have yet to be tied up.

The Movie is still brilliant despite that, especially the cinematography. As it bounces between comedy, drama, depression, and horror in equal parts as the tone and scenes go wherever they feel like. The scene at the end with Goodman in the hallway alone is enough reason to watch the movie.

If only the film had a better ending, I woul

#Movie Review #Barton Fink #Coen Brothers

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Bad Boys II (2003) Review

With Point Break finally over with, I was all but dreading Bad Boys II.

A 2003 Michael Bay movie, starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, I could already imagine the awfulness. Shaky cam unintelligable action, over the top acting, horrible stereotypes, and a plot stretched out to an unneeded two and a half hours. I could see already see it coming.

I was not wrong.

And I loved every minute of it.

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence sell every scene they are in, taking the terribly written dialogue and turning it into comedy gold as they chew through each scene literally and figuratively.

The action for the most part is watchable, especially the masterfully shot shootout between our two heroes and group of gangsters in a run down house. The camera spins and spins, circling around the two closed off and separate rooms seamlessly, spinning faster and faster as things spiral out of control and the shoot out explodes into action.

There are faults with the film, especially its length, as it is an unneeded two and a half hours, however to the films credit it uses that time to show and explain everything, even when it really does not have to, as is the case with Peter Stormare's character who is not only not needed but also returns after his few scenes to have an incredibly unneeded ending.

And while some of the movie clearly could have been cut, the film works for the most part, especially in the final half hour or so when an entire extra plot thread is haphazardly nailed on. And it is amazing.

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence having found out the bad guys plot head towards his house for the final shootout where they find out he has instead fled to Cuba, because of course he would. In Cuba he has the support of the army, he cannot be arrested, and the US, as is policy, will not negotiate with terrorists. Thus with nothing to do, Smith and Lawrence decide to save their girlfriend or sister on their own. They do this with only looks. Looks that a handful of other cops see.

How they know what they are going to do, how they even see them, is not explained or even cared about as one of the men says.

"I don't know who you two are, but it looks like your about to do something stupid. I'm in."

Thus our heroes gather a literal A team of assorted characters, they even gain the aid of their boss and the US government itself who send in a spy marine guy. It is the most awesomely stupid thing in the movie and I wish Michael Bay did more things like this instead of whatever the hell the transformers movies are.

Thus the movie ends with almost thirty minutes of over the top shootouts, explosions, jokes, and chases. They even throw in an homage to the first Police Story film, only with a hummer because Michael Bay.

In short the movie is a loud, in your face, over the top, joy ride and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Is it a bad movie, is the dialogue poorly written, is the action hard to see sometimes, is the movie too long.

Yes to everything.

But is it entertaining. Would I recommend it.

Yes. Yes I would.

4/5

#Movie Review #Bad Boys II #Michael Bay #Will Smith #martin lawerence

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Point Break (1991) Review

Hot Fuzz is great movie. Possibly Edgar Wrights best. And during the film our two heroes decide to watch cop movies.

"Point Break or Bad Boys II"

"Which one would I like?"

"No, which one first?"

Thus came the decision to watch Point Break and Bad Boys II back to back and like in the film I decided to watch Point Break first.

And man, what a disaster.

The film plays out like your generic cop drama, with characters yelling and screaming at each other instead of being characters. The only difference the movie has with dozens of equally terrible cop films is that it has a gimmick.

As the title implies, the film is about surfing. And when I say it is about surfing I mean it is about surfing, as the film spends what feels like thirty minutes of its 2 hours and 2 minute run time just showing shots of people surfing. Keanu Reeves watches surfers, he learns to surf, he surfs with friends. It drags on and on and feels like padding each time it is shown. And even worse than the surfing is the other, high-adrenaline sports the film shows in agonizing detail.

Especially when Keanu and crew perform a five minute sky dive dance.

Now don't get me wrong, the film is about those things, but they are not the focal point, or at least they shouldn't be. Especially when none of the actors have a clue as to what to do.

Keanu acts as well as could be expected from someone who also starred in Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure, which came out the same year. Trying desperately to slide between calm and collected cop man and dude bro, it comes off as both hilariously terrible and incredibly boring.

The same can be said of Patrick Swayze's Brohdi, a surfer guru bank robber, who, do I even need to say more. The character sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler film and yet for some reason Swayze decides to play the character completely straight despite the fact that his face tells the audience he doesn't believe a word of what his character is saying.

To round out the cast we also have Swayze's supporting dude bros, none of which have any character beside 'Totally, dude, tubular, and whatever sill jargon the film makes them say." As well as a love interest who is prominent in the first half of the film, and disappears entirely from the second half so that Keanu and Patrick's characters can make lovey eyes at each other.

The film even includes a beach football scene reminiscent of the volleyball scene in Top Gun. And like Top Gun the gay undertones are palpable.

Leaving only the police chief and his partner played by John C. McGinley and Gary Busey respectively.

McGinley yells and hates Keanu, and that is all.

While Busey tries despite the brain damage he likely suffered a few years early. Which sadly makes him the best actor in the film, despite his limited scenes. And when someone who probably has brain damage is the best actor in your film, you know you have a problem.

With a terrible plot, bland, uninteresting characters, and drawn out subtly gay 'sports' scenes dragging out most of the film, the action must at least be good right?

As Simon Pegg's character in Hot Fuzz says

"Their is no doubt the film was a no-holds bar adrenaline filled thrill ride..."

Sadly he is horribly mistaken, and instead the line feels like it should have been said after Bad Boys II, especially the second part of the line when he mentions the amount of paperwork due to damage.

The action, what little there is, mostly consists of chases and Mexican stand offs, culminating in Keanu famously shooting his gun in the air and yelling 'aaahhh'. A scene which makes zero sense when you remember that you can shoot someone without killing them. A thing many action movies forget about when the character in question is not the main character.

Instead Keanu shoots away his bullets, and lets Swayze get away.

After that most of the side characters die, and Swayze surfs off into a raging storm, never to be seen again. While Keanu quits, for some reason.

Along the way Keanu's girlfriend is kidnapped, and it feels more like a way to remove a bad actress and to build up more on the gay love story.

As a Police Story it pales in comparison to many, and comes off as if the cop scenes were tagged on.

While as gay love story it refuses to go all the way.

Instead the film ends up dragging on for a little over two hours of pointless filler.

1/5

In a word the film is boring. Which is something that should never be said about an action movie.

#Movie Review #Point Break (1991)#Keanu Reeves #patrick swayze

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Kung Fu Yoga (2017) Review

Kung Fu Yoga, a joint feature between India and China, starring Jackie Chan is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and yet I do not hate it.

The film opens with an over the top battle sequence wherein Jackie, as an ancient Chinese General single-handedly defeats an enemy armor.

Which sounds amazing.

Unfortunately the entire thing is done in horrible CGI that looks like one of the early PS2 era Dynasty Warriors games.

Thus the problems begin as soon as the film starts.

The fight drags on for minutes, far longer than it should, allowing you to thouroghly enjoy the awful effects, and while the film is not a Hollywood level production, it does not in any way excuse the terrible special effects.

The film then starts proper with Jackie Chan, as China's greatest archaeologist, Jack telling his class how the battle totally happened and the lone Chinese man definitely defeated an army all on his own.

And for those who noticed, yes, Jackie Chan plays a character called Jack.

Their not even trying.

With lighting so bright and so garrish looking, you are immediately reminded of a commercial as the film starts to show one pretty looking part of China after another. And it only gets worse the longer the film goes on. As if the film were desperate to get tourist to see all the lovely sights and attractions in the perfectly clean, shiny, and happy lands of China and India.

And as a side note I must make mention of how often foreign films do such things, especially Chinese, Korean, and Japanese films. Don't get me wrong, Hollywood films still do the same, if not as obvious. Except for their morales and political leanings, as Hollywood is so far Left that it hurts, especially when its combined with their authoratarian nature, but politics aside, Hollywood only ever does such things in the most low brow garbage they put out. Things like Adam Sandler films. China, Japan, and Korea however have turned such obvious pandering propaganda into an art as every year dozens of films come out to show just how cool and perfect their respective countries are.

Even worse are the ones set during any period of warfare, where the heroes and their nation are shown as kind, intelligent, brave, and all around great people, able to do and overcome anything. While their enemies are incompetent, cowardly, stupid, and evil just for the sake of it.

It feels like something written by ten year old's.

And Kung Fu Yoga is one such movie.

As the next scene shows how super awesome perfect archaeologist Jack(ie), has developed a new technology to help with the repainting of the Terracotta Warriors. Remember those, they are super cool and a real treat for the family. Come to China today and you can see these and more.

At this point I was just mad, as the film was unbelievably bad.

Then our main actress walked into frame.

Smile on her face, she turns to Jackie and asks him in the most busted up, incomprehensible English I have ever heard or seen in a movie. All the while she poses, no joke, just straight poses as if she were at a modeling gig. Tilting her head just so, holding her self just right, and smiling. Always smiling.

Other characters are introduced but none of them matter, or are of any importance.

The only characters that matter are Jackie, main girl, villain, and pretty boy.

Pointless filler litter the next few minutes as the group starts a history lesson. Which is another thing the movie continually does. Tell history, but not real history, more of a bastardized version where in neither country has ever done anything wrong and everyone within is perfect. Again nothing but propaganda.

After a scene were Jackie smacks a karate training thing, the one with the stem looking wood pieces sticking out, which is more sad than anything as Jackie does his best to still perform his stunts.

And for being 63 I must applaud the man, even though I am still sad that he is reduced to being in such garbage.

Finally the group decides to go and find the missing treasure. Using new super great technology, they find it within seconds. Along the way they are joined by pretty boy, who is a treasure hunter/thief.

Finding the treasure they are disappointing to learn that it is under a large block of ice. Luckily, Jackie knows a guy who happens to have a giant drill, one that can easily cut through the ice and reach the treasure and so the problem is resolved almost as fast as it is brought up.

While the drilling is happening, Jackie and his group are surrounded by CGI wolves. Thinking quickly Jackie decides to perform Kung Fu with pretty boy.

The two punch and kick and do all manner of other attacks and stunts against each other, none of which look good. That doesn't work of course. And I am utterly perplexed as to why they thought it would and why it is in the film. In the end the wolves are chased off by snowballs.

During all of this, main girl continues to tell history lessons while Jackie just looks depressed.

Finally, they head down the newly drilled hole, were they find the treasure.

Frozen over by a tiny, easily breakable layer of ice, the find the near perfect condition treasure. When suddenly villain arrives, with a handful of goons. Armed with guns they order Jackie and his group not to move, only to realize that shooting could bring the whole ice cave crashing down.

At the same time, Jackie's group finds a large diamond. Thus a kung fu fight ensues, wherein Jackie, pretty boy, and another guy fight the bad guys while the girls stand around and look pretty.

The fight goes back and forth for a bit, but then Jackie and his group win, knocking out most of the bad guys, while pretty boy jumps on the slow moving lift, rides it up through the drilled hole, runs to a snowmobile and escapes.

The movie then cuts to Jackie and his group captured, and being tied up while the villain, rides up the lift and chases after pretty boy.

It was at this point that I paused the film and rewound it, thinking I had zoned out and missed something. But no. I had not missed a thing. The movie had apparently just skipped or straight cut the part were Jackie and the others are defeated and captured, which is so jarringly weird, since the last time we saw Jackie and the others had been when they had won.

Its as if a good 3-5 minutes of the film was cut or just never filmed.

Continuing on, the bad guys then just leave Jackie and the others behind, to freeze I guess, while they leave.

Main girl then uses yoga to get out of her ropes.

It's as stupid as it sounds.

With everyone freed, Jackie, the 63 year old man, and main girl than decide to dive into freezing water, that is within an ice cave to try and find a way out. They do not know if their will be one, but they are desperate and have been stuck down in the cave for almost thirty seconds, and so Jackie and main girl hold their breathe and dive in.

Luckily the two are able to hold their breathe for minutes, and they escape.

The movie then cuts to two weeks later were pretty boy is trying to sell the diamond at an auction. Jackie, others, and main girl all head there to stop him from selling it or if that fails buy it back.

After one attempt to convince him not to sell, the auction begins. Luckily, and I mean that as literally as possible. Luckily, Jackie also knows an incredibly wealthy business man who has hundreds of millions of dollars just sitting about waiting to be spent. And so the auction begins, with Jackie and villain bidding over the diamond. Sadly all the tension is lost because Jackie's friend basically has infinite money, and thus all they have to do is raise their hand and the diamond is theirs.

A fight and car chase then begins, one where Jackie is driving around with a CGI lion in the back of the car he procures. Like all the other CGI in the film, the lion looks horrible, and again I was left wondering why it was even in the movie. And why CGI.

As for the chase itself, it is between Jackie, villain, and the Indian police. All of whom are driving Lamborghini's. Now, I might not know much about India, but I am pretty sure their police force do not drive around in luxury sports cars. Thus even the police are propagandized, as India is shown to be just as equally magnificent as China.

The chase ends with main girl taking the diamond as she is now not with Jackie and Co, for some reason. It is never shown nor hinted as to why she has turned against them. She just has.

Jackie then goes to main girl, who is revealed to be the current descendant of the empire that owned the treasure Jackie and Co had recovered. She is also apparently an incredibly wealthy princess, living in a house that has actual gold walls and must surely be worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

How we are supposed to sympathize with her I have no idea. As oh no, a multi-billionaire has lost some of her money, woe is her.

Wearing an incredibly wealthy dress, she then asks Jackie and Co to change into Indian clothing, which they do for one scene which lasts a minute or two where they again go over some ancient fictional history about how the billions they found under the ice was not the real treasure. Instead the diamond that main girl took is actually a key to a much larger treasure.

With the short history lesson over, Jackie and Co change back into their clothes and begin another history lesson of a temple where the diamond is supposed to unlock the remaining treasure.

Why Jackie had to change into Indian garb for two minutes is something that I can only guess at (Propaganda to make India look pretty...oh yeah...cough)

Jackie is then invited by villain to his pent house were a few of the other characters have been captured, and are currently in a cage surrounded by hyenas.

Jackie is then forced to help bad guy to save his 'friends'.

During this a few of the other, other characters sneak over and save the others. Bringing a pile of meat, one of the guys climbs over and tosses it out into the pit of hyenas, getting them to turn from him. He then stops doing that, jumps in, dodges the hyenas and lets the others out. All the while he forgets about the meat that is bulging out of his pockets.

The meat he purposely gathered to use to distract the hyenas.

I guess the guy's an idiot. As there is no other reason why he would forget his plan mere seconds after coming up with it.

Villain than demands that the treasure is his families, and forces Jack(ie) and main girl to the temple were they find a secret tunnel to an underground temple made entirely out of gold and gems, and jewels. Along the way Jackie, Girl, and a goon fall and are hanging from a vine while a snake tries to bite them. In the end Jackie and Girl get away leaving the goon to hang. Goon pleads for help to which Jackie says he will help later. He is never helped and I can only presume that he falls to his death.

The bad guys then start to steal the treasure when they see a giant, solid, humongous statue of Shiva made out of pure gold.

A fight then starts, not that it matters, as Jackie wins.

Then a group of civilians walk down into the temple and start to pray to the statue, at which point Jackie tells bad guy the treasure is not for him but for everybody. At which point everyone breaks into dance. A giant, hundred plus people dance seen that plays for minutes, wherein, Jackie, bad guy, girl, pretty boy and everyone else in the film dance and sing, and sing and dance.

And I have no words for what I saw.

I mean, is that just a thing that happens.

Is it Chinese? Indian?

Did the movie think that was a good ending. I have no idea. And by that point I was so broken that I just laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

How was this film the highest grossing comedy film in China. According to Wikipedia the thing made 254 million dollars.

How? Why?

2/5

All in all, the film is terrible with no redeeming qualities. It is one of the dumbest, most boring, over commercialized, propaganda pieces I have ever seen. The entire movie came off more like a long travel commercial than a film, and yet it fails so spectatularly at so many moments that I found myself laughing multiple times at how terrible the movie was. And so, somehow, I was mildly entertained.

Would I recommend this film to anyone, of course not, but did I hate it.

Only slightly.

#Movie Review #Jackie Chan #Kung Fu Yoga

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Hell or High Water (2016) Review

How I had never heard of this film is something I will never know.

Released in 2016, this David Mackenzie directed film stars Chris Pine and Ben Foster as bank robbing Texans being chased by Jeff Bridges.

And had that been all, I'm sure it would have been terrible. Just another bank robber film, same old same old.

Instead the film is a masterfully written example of how a modern western should be.

Breaking down everything from history to morality, the film again and again twisted your sense of justice and the American way, ending with a hinted at showdown were you do not know who to root for.

Again and again the film brings mention to how the cowboys and settlers rampaged and conquered their way across the nation. Only for their descendants to not only not look it, but not have any of the advantages of it.

"Thousands of years ago the Indians took the land, a hundred and fifty years ago the white men came, and now the bankers rule the land."

As for the characters, we have Chris Pine and Ben Foster as bank robbing brothers, who are robbing the very bank that is trying to take their mothers house, only to use that same money to buy her house back. While on the other side we have Jeff Bridges, a cranky, bitter old man who is days from retirement, stuck on one final case with his partner a half Indian/half Mexican middle aged cop played by Gil Birmingham. And throughout the entire movie Jeff Bridges character makes racist joke after racist joke against his partner.

None of which are meant to be harmful, and come off instead as nothing more than friendly jabbing.

Who is right, who is wrong, the movie never says, instead letting you decide for yourself.

Which brings us to the plot.

With only a week to go until they lose the house, Chris and Ben have decided to rob banks, sticking only to small bills and the tills, so as not to be caught or found. The only problem is that it is not that easy, as it shouldn't be in our current day and age.

Which is were once again the film shines as it shows the brothers convoluted but entirely plausible way of collecting their riches. All the while they gain help from their fellow poor men, as they go through with their scheme.

The film even opens with the first civilian they find, an old man in one of the banks they rob, armed with a pistol.

"You packing?" The brothers ask to which the old man replies with an "Of course."

A simple thing to set up some stakes in the beggining of the film which pays off in spades towards the final act of the film when a posse of civilians come after the brothers, armed and ready to enact mob justice.

Written some time before 2012, the film had obviously been through its fair share of editing and rewriting, and anything else to make it as tight, well paced, and well thought as possible. And it shows in spades.

But enough with the praise. Not that the film does not deserve it and more.

I must still give my only critique, the one thing I felt the film was missing to make it a 5/5 and that would be a truly memorable scene.

The characters, the plot, the pacing, the subtext, all masterfully done. But what it is missing is that one scene or even scenes. It doesn't matter how long or how short. It just needed that thing.

Such as the scene in The Thing when the head comes off and turns into a spider monster thing, or when the Joker attacks the convoy in the tunnel during The Dark Knight, or the Free Bird scene in Kingsman, or any of Sam's speeches in the Lord of the Rings, or the Indianapolis monologue in Jaws.

Which is a shame, since otherwise the film has basically no faults.

Still, I would recommend the movie to any and everyone.

4/5

#Movie Review #Hell or High Water #Chris Pine #Jeff Bridges

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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It Comes at Night (2017) Review

A low budget horror film by director Trey Shults about a family trying to survive after a deadly virus brings humanity to the edge of extinction.

Starring Joel Edgerton as Paul, the father/husband of the family.

The film begins with an interesting premise that unfortunately goes nowhere as the film spends about 85 percent of its time in a single house.

And while other films, such as The Shining or The Thing work despite being mostly within a single location. Those films had both better characters, better effects, better actors and much better stories.

Instead we are subjected to an hour and a half of nothing. People talk, people threaten, Joel Edgerton's son has nightmares. Nightmares which act serve as the horror element in this film and do nothing but bore the audience as they try again and again with cheap scares and effects. Again and again we get to see the son dream about getting sick, or seeing his sick dad, all the while nothing happens.

Which is a shame, especially considering how the title and trailer paint the film.

"We keep the red door closed at night." Joel Edgerton's character says in warning. Hinting at people, or monsters, or something coming in.

Instead the enemy is within. And by within I mean Joel's characters son is an idiot who gets everyone killed. How you might be asking?

Simple, he opens the door to look for his dog. Blames the child of another family who is now living with them, causing Joel Edgerton and his wife to force the other family out of their house at gunpoint because they think the child is sick, the other family is killed, and then Joel's son is revealed to be sick.

What a surprise. What a shock, as if the film hasn't been hammering that through every five seconds.

Yes, the kid is going to get sick.

We get it, but does he have to get the other family killed, does he have to be an absolute shit stain of a person.

As the main character we should be expected to care for the young man.

Instead he makes one mistake after another, eventually getting the majority of the characters killed over a dog.

A dog.

Why?

Why would the film make him out to be so incompetent. And why would they do it in such a way that you are supposed to believe him when he says he does not know the door is open. When he in fact ran out to save his dog. His dog who just ran off, for some reason, only to cry out in pain, leading to everyone leaving it in the woods.

It makes no sense.

The entirety of the finally is created over a dog.

Everyone is dead. Disease is everywhere. Food is scarce.

And yet the family has a dog, because of course they do.

What a disappointment. What a bore. For anyone who watched the trailer, I highly suggest you keep it at that. A trailer. As the trailer presents a far more entertaining film then what is delivered.

It comes at night.

More like nothing comes at night.

2/5

Joel Edgerton tries his best with the all but non-existent material, while everyone else just wanders around.

Note to self, if you are in an apocalypse or other life threatening, world ending scenario.

Leave the dog.

#Movie Review #It Comes at Night

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Children of Men (2006) Review

Alfonso Cuaron's 2006 sci-dystopian action thriller is a movie that should have been good.

Starring Clive Owen, Michael Caine, and Chiwetel Ejiofor, with action scenes done in one take, set in a futuristic, almost Mad-Max type world. Unfortunately the film is bogged down by terrible dialogue, an over the top preachy political message, terrible action, a comically bad ending, and Juliane Moore.

Hailed as a masterpiece by many for reasons I cannot understand.

In short the movie was a boring mess.

To explain why, however, will require basically spoiling the entire movie.

Thus I will give my final score now before continuing on with everything I found wrong.

2/5

Spoiler Filled Review

I must give praise to the one take action scenes even if they are terribly directed, boring, or just plain silly, I at least applaud the film for attempting such a thing.

Spoiler filled review

The film opens with a quick run down of the plot as Clive Owen buys coffee from some shop.

And no joke, the movie's premise sounds like a joke.

"In a world, were no children have been born in 18 years. Only one man can save us."

That man is Clive Owen, some guy who lost his own child when every woman became sterile.

Grabbing his coffee, he glances over to the TV were the news reports that the youngest person alive has just died. An 18 year old young man, who the world treated as a celebrity. Clive Owen pays it no mind while those around him start to break down and cry.

Stepping out of the building, he starts to walk down the sidewalk when the building explodes behind him. Thus we get our first action scene, as well as see what will quickly become the problem with most of them.

The camera is focused on Clive Owen who is walking, and basically doing nothing while action, explosions, and other violence happen behind him, or around him, or beside him, or in front of him. Which is fine and all, if the actor the camera focuses on is doing something, instead he just kind of walks or jogs along. Even Tom Cruise, in the terrible War of the World remake, ran at least. Not Clive Owen, anything that would require effort is clearly too much work.

Thus while the film's action scenes are all one take, not one is memorable or good, and so instead of seeing Tony Jaa fighting his way up a hotel, or Chow Yun Fat and Company shoot their way through a hospital, we get Clive Owen, just kind of there, while stuff happens in the background.

The movie than moves on to its political message as Clive Owen passes by signs, billboards,

commercials, and even straight up cages. All of which are full of immigrants, or are telling the populace that immigrants should not be in the country. Yes, everyone, in a world were everything is falling apart. Where the clock is literally counting down to the end of humanity. Where there are commercials selling suicide. Where wars, terrorism, fanatics, and the like have destroyed every other nation aside from England, because England is just that great. How the US, Russia, China, Germany, Australia, Japan, and the like have fallen apart but not England is never mentioned but it is assumed to be because the world is going to hell.

Which is fine. Which can work. However what the movie than cannot do is try to make me care about the immigrants. England is only standing because it has closed off its borders, like how Japan rebuilt itself after the Sengoku Era. It has legitimate historical context, which is ruined because its clear the film is taking a stance against such policies, not just in the movie but in reality itself.

And reality notwithstanding as I do not care what position you take politically, in the movie itself the premise that we should care for the immigrants is ludicrous. The movie tells us the world is going to ruin Mad Max style, it than tells us that England is the only country still running, it than tells us that England is the only country to seal its borders, therefore as far as the movie has explained the only reason England is not a shit hole is because it has closed its borders. And the movie expects you to believe that is a bad thing.

Its silly to say the least, terrible if you think about it, and preachy if being honest. But preachy in a way that you cant help but disagree.

Still, that is the message and the movie will try its damnedest to get you to agree with it. Though that is not the only message, as the film again and again enforces the image that the government is bad.

That borders should not exist. And that the police are evil.

It sounds like something an extreme anarchist would write.

Down with the government. Let the people do whatever they want.

And again despite your political leanings, in the setting of the film, it makes no sense.

The movie has barely been on ten minutes at this point but already the plot is hemorrhaging. The film is in desperate need of help, and thus in steps Michael Caine, with a fart joke.

And again I am not making this up, he actually makes a fart joke. He turns to Clive Owens and says pull my finger.

Pull My Finger.

Do I even need to say anything else.

Michael Caine explains about a secret organization called the Human Project, which is a group of scientists trying to save the world. Clive Owens believes them to be a myth, but it is heavily implied that they are real. Clive Owens then leaves.

Only to be kidnapped by his ex-wife Julianne Moore. And while others might see her as good, I cannot. The woman cannot act. She is almost as bad as Kevin Costner and oddly enough her best role has been in the second Kingsmen film were she hams it up and is essentially playing a joke character. And even there she is the worst part of the film.

Playing herself, she tells Clive Owens that she is hiring him to create transit papers for some young immigrant woman. Clive agrees because he needs the money and goes to a friend of his. A friend who is incredibly rich, incredibly powerful and can get Clive whatever he needs. That man is played by Danny Huston, for some reason. Not that he is bad or anything, just that he is severely underused and basically makes an extended cameo.

He has also rescued the statue of David, as well as many other works of art, because again, the world is in ruin. And again we are supposed to see him as a bad guy, as he looks out a window over a factory that looks like a certain Pink Floyd album while a large balloon of a pig floats in the air. Yes the movie is that on the nose with its symbolism.

This man is a pig. A greedy business man who you should not like. Or at least that is what the visuals and movie want you to think.

In reality he is a man who has saved priceless works of art and is singlehandly doing and getting everything our hero needs.

How is this man a bad guy again?

We are never told as he never returns.

With papers in hand, Clive Owen returns to Julianne Moore and tells her that he himself has to be with the woman or the papers wont work. He then tells her he needs to be paid more or he wont go.

Julian agrees and Clive heads out.

Thus we end up with Clive, Julianne, Girl, some middle aged woman, and Chiwetel in a car heading towards the coast were a boat awaits the girl. Along the way Clive Owen and Julianne Moore play with balls in their mouths in a moment that is supposed to be cute or enduring and is instead annoying. Luckily a one shot action scene begins, as a gang of bikers attack the car, shooting Julianne Moore in the throat and shooting at the car. The group gets away as the cops arrive to scare off the gang. Only for a cop car to pull over the remaining group. Chiwetel kills the two cops and the group dump them in the woods along with Julianne, who is now dead.

With the worst actress out of the film, the girl steps up to take her role.

Who is this girl, why is she important.

Why she is nobody, but she is an immigrant, and most important of all, she is pregnant.

How do we know she is pregnant, easy she shows us in the most pretentious way possible.

Clive Owens finds her in a barn with some cows where he tells her is done, and that she can find another way out of the country, as she is not special. She tells him she is as she starts to undress, at which point Clive Owens and myself are confused as it looks like she is trying to seduce him. Instead she takes off her dress to show her baby bump, using an arm to cover her breasts as she poses for the camera. And once again you are immediately taken out of the film.

Why did she take her clothes off?

Why is she standing near cows?

Why is she in a barn?

Why if she wants to take her clothes off, is she then covering herself up. Does she not know how to just lift her dress, or step to the side and let him see the large bump that is her pregnant belly?

No, that would be sensible, that would be what a normal human would do. But that is not what the director wants. Want the director wants in an image of her standing naked, surrounded by livestock, holding her pregnant belly and exposed breasts because its artsy. Because that is the image he wanted, logic, common sense, and basic human interaction be damned. He wants his shot and he is going to get it, no matter how stupid everyone has to be for it to happen.

Clive than goes to the others and tells them he knows she is pregnant and that she needs to be taken to a hospital. They of course refuse because government is bad. And again you are supposed to agree with them. And again it makes no sense.

In the context of the world. Her feeling. The groups feeling. Even the babies life. None of it matters. If she is the only person in the entire world to become pregnant. If she is the only hope humanity has to still be around in the next one hundred years, than she needs to go to the government. Even if they chop her and her baby up, turn them into paste and use them for any experiment required, I would be fine with that. Because as Spock is famed for saying. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

And if the girl and her baby having a terrible or even no life is what is required to save all of humanity. Than someone give me the gun because I will shoot her and her baby in the face myself.

Because again. I cannot stress this enough.

HUMANS AS A SPECIES ARE GOING EXTINCT!

Clive leaves, and soon overhears that Chiwetel and the others were the ones to kill Julianne Moore so that they could take over and keep the baby for themselves so as to start a revolution. And despite learning of that, Clive Owens still does not wish to tell the world of the pregnant woman. Instead he decides to run her through a literal war zone. But we will get to that.

In the meantime, Clive gets girl and middle aged woman and rushes them to a car so as to escape. The only problem is that the car will not start. Thus another one take action scene begins, wherein Clive Owens must push start the car by shoving it down a hill, while the bad guys rush to stop him.

And the scene is somehow stupider than it sounds.

As not only do the bad guys not stop them, but one also catches up to them gun in hand, threatening to shoot, only to call back and ask what to do before being taken out. Meanwhile the bad guys get in their own cars and give chase, since their car is working they easily catch up, just as Clive and gang get theres started. The bad guys than stop their car and climb out to continue the chase on foot. Yes I said that correctly. The bad guys, who were in a working car. Give chase to the heroes who are now in a working car. On foot.

Yeah, that's what I call a great action scene right there. It was even done in one take. Therefore it is good. Right?

Of course not.

The scene plays out like something from a comedy.

Driving off, Clive takes the group to Michael Caine, who tells them they are safe and that he has a cop friend who can help them. The bad guys arrive soon afterwards, and Michael Caine tells Clive and the others to leave while he buys them time.

The group reluctantly agrees, leaving out the back and making their way to a small hill overlooking Caine and Chiwetel.

Chiwetel has Caine at gun point and demands to know where Clive and the others are.

So what does Caine do?

Does he make up a lie.

Does he crumble and sell out his friends.

Or Does he say nothing and die with dignity.

The answer is of course none of the above. As instead Michael Caine tells Chiwetel to pull his finger.

Chiwetel rightfully shoots him in the shoulder. To which Caine tells Chiwetel to pull his finger.

Chiwetel then shoots and kills Caine.

Thus Michael Caine dies, his final words an attempt at a fart joke.

Why do people like this movie again?

The movie continues after that, with Clive Owens calling Caine's cop friend over. The cop friend pretend arrests them, and drives them through a checkpoint full of caged immigrants. Again the film is not subtle about its message. And again I wholeheartedly disagree with it. Especially when the, mostly Muslim immigrants start marching through the streets shouting 'Allah Akbar' while armed with whatever guns they have. But again that is for later.

For now, Clive and girl ride a bus where they lose middle aged woman, who pretends to be insane so as to stop the cops from searching the pregnant woman. How that works is beyond me as surely the cops will search the woman anyway. And they almost do, until Clive Owens points out that she has pissed herself. The cop, not wanting to touch her because she is now icky, leaves and the problem resolves itself. The middle aged woman is still taken away however, and at that point you have to ask why even though the answer should be obvious.

It is so Clive and the girl are stuck by themselves.

Cop then takes the two to a building to wait while he goes to do some things to help her on her way, and during the night the girl gives birth. Clive helps her, and at that point I was expecting the baby to die. Leaving Clive Owen to take the only baby in the world to safety. Instead the film does not have the balls to kill the poor defenseless, Immigrant woman, and she survives. And it is at that point that the movie stops trying to be a serious, dark, depressing drama and starts to spiral into comedy.

The cop arrives with some girl, a replacement for middle aged woman, and demands to know what the girl is holding. Seeing her baby, he pulls out his gun and forces everyone down the building so he can take them to the government and get a reward. And again. We are supposed to see this as a bad thing. Because government bad.

New girl soon attacks the cop, and together with Clive Owen they three escape. The cop chases after them, somehow unable to hit any of them and another one take action scene begins. Clive actually does something in this one, as he shuts a door, grabs a heavy thing, and hits the cop on the head with it. And it looks as clunky as it sounds.

Clive then runs through some streets as shooting between the immigrants and the military starts up. When suddenly, the bad guys led by Chiwetel appear.

Chiwetel's group take the girl and the baby, before shooting someone who is with Clive Owens, but who is not Clive Owens and is also not new girl. Why the bad guys do not just shoot Clive Owens is again obvious as the film needs him alive still. Thus person three is killed.

The military and immigrants than arrive, and a shootout occurs.

A shootout in the background, and off in the distance. Clive his barely in any danger, and just kind of stays low and lightly jogs away.

Chasing after Chiwetel, he comes to a building under assault by the military. A group of immigrants run out with flags up only to be mowed down, because again, government bad.

Clive makes his way into the building as the military continues to shoot. Tanks, machine guns, and bazookas are fired at the building, but luckily only the first few stories so that when Clive makes his way to the higher ones, he will not be shot at.

Clive quickly finds the girl, only for Chiwetel to be near, machine gun in hand. He says some pointless things about how he was trying to do good, while bullets are shot around him. Clive takes the girl with him, as Chiwetel shoots at them, only for one of the tanks to finally shoot at him. Not until he is off screen and back in the distance of course.

Making his way down the building, Clive, girl, and baby are mobbed by all in the building as the baby cries. The army then arrives, and upon hearing the baby cry, stop shooting, lower their weapons, and let Clive, the girl, and her baby through.

That is right.

Everyone learns of the baby. Of the only baby in the entire world. They learn of the one thing that literally everyone has been trying to get.

And they just let it go.

They let them all go.

Yes, because that is how you resolve a dangerous situation.

You have everyone just stop caring and let your heroes walk out with no problems.

Tension, a sense of danger, thrills, all gone in an instant.

Even funnier is how everyone just starts shooting at each other again as soon as the three are clear.

Why would any of that happen.

Why.

Easy, the heroes were in a situation and the writer could not think of way to get them out, so he just lets them leave. Its even worse then Deus Ex Machina, at least in that something stupid happens. In this movie they just leave.

They just leave.

Clive then takes the girl and her baby to a boat, the other girl who has been with them the whole time stays behind, as her job is done. Whatever job that was. I of course did not mention her being around because she does nothing.

Once in the boat, the girl tells Clive what she is going to name her child as she notices a bunch of blood on the boat. And once again in the distance their is action. But again only in the distance and this time hidden by thick fog. As for the blood, Clive tells her that it is his, and that he had been shot sometime during the last thirty or so minutes of film.

How he is still alive despite the pool of blood he has leaked in the boat, and the supposed pools he has lost along the way are never brought up. Instead Clive just dies, tilting his head gently to the side as he attempts to hold his breathe.

Seconds later, a boat breaks through the fog, the word Tomorrow on its side.

The movie ends with the sound of children laughing and playing as the title flashes across the screen in the most pompous and stuck up way possible.

Where do I even begin?

What do I even say?

The movie is a terrible mess of bad jokes, bad writing, bad action, idiotic moral messages, and boring drawn out scenes of nothing.

The movie was terrible.

#Movie Review #Children of Men #Clive Owen

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Devilman Crybaby (2017) Review

Devilman Crybaby was a mess.

A mess of tone, of plot, of pacing, of characters, and of ideas.

But it was an interesting mess.

As remake/re-imagining of the 1970's manga Devilman it works well. Doing the manga justice for the most part. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

Setting the series in modern times, it of course updates the look of things, what the series fails to do however is fix any of the problems in the source material.

To say anymore would require spoilers, and while the show is based upon an almost fifty year old manga, most who will watch Crybaby will probably have never seen the original, and so I will no longer be mentioning it and instead talk about Crybaby on its own.

As an anime, the first thing most people will notice is the art. And while it is passable at times, most of the art comes off as incredibly cheap, like something you'd see late at night on adult swim, something like Superjail.

For me it did not work, however I can see why the would go for such a style, as budget reasons aside, the anime is not child friendly, as it contains violence, gore, sex, necrophilia, rape, and the like. The usual fare you're likely to find in an adult, edgy, dark anime.

Maybe Netflix wanted to water it down, maybe the director wanted this style, or maybe they didn't have the budget to make it look better. Whatever the reason, at the end of the day the art did not look good.

The music on the other hand was superb, with many gems including Judgement, easily the best song, especially when played during the credits, and a great way to build up hype for the next episode.

The characters, what little we saw of them were mostly bland, with the only exceptions being the madman Ryo and oddly enough the gang of rappers/hoodlums who become more and more prevalent in the story as it goes along.

Devilman himself is winy most of the time, akin to Shinji, or just plain stupid. As I will get into later when I go into spoilers.

Miki, Miko, and the others are there as are the demons.

Most of the characters do not make an impression and will be forgotten the moment they are off screen.

The violence however is over the top at times, which works especially with the terrible pacing and all over the place story. The main problem however seems to be that the story is both terribly condensed, feeling as if it should have been two seasons, or perhaps 14 or 15 episodes long instead of 10, and at the same time incredibly slow.

The first half in particular all but drags on and on as Devilman fights a demon of the week each episode, none of which do anything or seem to matter. It feels like some weekly serial, or something for kids like Powerrangers or Powerpuff girls, were in our hero goes around, fights and defeats a new bad guy each episode all while not trying to let his secret identity be found out. And in the end nothing seems to change, and nothing seems to matter.

Episode 6 comes along, and finally the plot begins to move.

At which point the story kicks into overdrive, burning through exposition and story at such a fast pace that you have no time to absorb it or care.

And while the things that happen are not terrible, they are not good either.

In the end the whole thing seems to fail on the execution.

Not that it was bad per say, but more that it could have been so much more.

It could have been a masterpiece. One of the greats up there with Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Hellsing Ova, and Cowboy Bebop.

Instead it flounders and will end up being just another forgotten edgy anime.

Rating 3/5

A great idea and a brilliant premise wasted at first and then quickly sped through. The anime could have been one of the greats, but instead it is just average, and will probably be forgotten in a few years. Which is a shame considering how many anime's it inspired with its art design and willingness to go so dark. But then, just because something is the first or one of the first to do something does not mean it is the best, or great, or sometimes even good.

Sometimes they are nothing more than a template to be built upon by later artists for greater things.

Spoiler Review

Like I said before the anime starts at a snails pace.

Our first episode explains the plot, that demons are real and that they are inside people and when driven to a point the demons will come out, transforming their hosts into monsters who kill and fuck and eat everything in sight. Only Ryo, the best friend of our hero Akira knows this and so he brings Akira to a club, starts stabbing people causing some to turn into demons. Things go to hell immediately as dozens are torn apart, and all can think of is Superjail, which is not a bad thing, the only problem is the film is not meant to be funny, and instead serious.

A thing it will continuously fail to do.

The episode ends with Akira turning into/being possessed by Devilman. He then goes into a rampage killing the demons in the club.

A decent start, brought down by its poor animation, but with an interesting premise.

I was hooked at the very least and wanted to see more.

The next episode begins the demon of the week plot line, were in Akira goes around with Ryo, turns into Devilman fights a demon, kills it, goes home tries not to let others know about his change, rinse and repeat.

How people do not realize his change, despite his face changing, his skin darkening, and also apparently growing both height and muscle mass all within a day. It reminded me of Superman and his glasses. But then the manga was written in the seventies.

The next two episodes come and go, with the plot having no real baring upon the story. The third episode even ends with Akira and Ryo in a Mexican standoff over whether or not to kill Miki, which goes nowhere and has no effect on their friendship.

It is from here that you will start to realize how dumb of a character Akira is, as no matter how much evil, insane, or just plain messed up things Ryo does, Akira does not fault him. The man turns him into a demon and tries to kill his girlfriend and the two go out to lunch the next day as if nothing happened. Its frustrating to say the least. As the plot needs things to happen in a certain way but the creators do not know how to do it in a realistic way. Forcing the characters to make increasingly idiotic or just plain random decisions all for the name of the plot. It will become more apparent in the later episodes, but is still present in the first few as well.

Episode four starts and the standoff ends, and is never brought up again. Thus continues the demon of the week plot, only this time something changes as Akira's parents are set to arrive by plain in Japan soon. The only problem Akira's father turns into a demon, for some reason, and proceeds to kill a bunch of people including his wife, Akira's mother. Who these characters are, why should we care, none of it is shown or given. All we are told is that Akira cares for them, thus we are supposed to, despite only seeing them this very episode.

Once again, a good idea, Akira's parents are killed and Akira is forced to deal with it. The only problem is the horrible execution.

Why is Akira's dad a demon?

Why were they barely ever brought up?

Why did he turn now? Why not later?

Was it just to kill the parents off?

Again the story flounders, mostly through pacing.

Why waste the first three episodes with characters only to introduce two new ones, immediately kill them and then expect us to care?

Had the show not spent so much time on its demon of the week, or better yet fleshed out the story by making the season longer than ten episodes, then these problems would not arise. Instead they do, and they do a lot.

On a side note, the fact that the dad and mom die so quickly just comes across as a cheap way to gain feels, a planned effort by the creators to try to trick you into caring instead of earning it.

The fifth episode opens the same as the first four, with Akira having to kill another demon, at this point he has killed plenty, none of which are built up more than that they are demons and thus bad, and thus should be killed.

The episode ends, slightly different however, as Devilman loses a fight once the demon he is killing merges with another, somehow, not that it matters as the act of merging causes the demon to die anyway.

At this point I decided to take a break from the anime, and it took nearly two weeks for me to finish it, as I just did not care. None of the characters mattered, the plot did not matter, what little happened, and the story seemed to be spinning its wheels while still trying to get out of first gear.

Knowing a few things about Devilman, mostly what happens to Miki and the coming apocalypse I was expecting the series to end around the time of her demise leading up to a second season wherein they go over the apocalypse. They could even call it Devilman Crybaby Apocalypse or something, make it feel important.

All I had to do was sit through a few more episodes and the plot would start happening I told myself.

Season two was going to be great. They were going to take the basic idea of Devilman and expand

upon it and make it into a real show.

It was going to be great, or so I hoped.

Thus I decided to continue, hoping to finish off the second half of season one before waiting for season two. How could I have known though that the show would begin and end all within ten episodes. As going by the first five nothing had happened.

The apocalypse, the death of his girlfriend, they had so much still to cover, and so little time.

At the time I did not know.

Thus episode six begins, and it goes about the same as any of the other episodes, demon of the week, Devilman has to kill it, only this time the Devilman does not try to kill him and instead help him. Not the Ryo will allow it as he uses his trillions and trillions of dollars, to blockade the stadium where the demon is at, they are in a race, the finals or something, the show decided to make everyone track stars for some reason.

The episode ends with the world learning of the existence of demons. Cool I thought, maybe the plot will final kick into gear. I could not wait for season 2. Not that it was ever coming.

Episode seven begins and the plot not only kicks into gear, but also skips gears 2-4 and jumps straight to five. As exposition is poured out through the rapping gang, while the world falls apart. Demons and humans fighting and killing each other, pandemonium on the streets, cats and dogs, the rest of the Ghostbusters reference, whatever.

The only problem is we barely see any of this, as it is instead told to us over a montage of clips.

The anime has been slowly, ever so slowly building to this great war between humans and demons, and when it finally gets there it speeds through it so quickly that you are just left confused.

Did the show want this to happen, did it want this to be important?

If so why waste so much time, especially if you wanted so many things to happen?

Why wait until episode seven to kick the story into action.

With only 4 episodes remaining, the apocalypse almost feels like an afterthought. As if the show had been told it was not getting 20 or even 15 episodes but instead 10, and still wanting to tell their story the creators decide to cram as much in as possible.

Episode 7 ends with the world about to go to nuclear war. Yes that is right, nuclear war, 120 some minutes of basically nothing, and 20 minutes later the world is on the brink of total annihilation.

Luckily the world is not destroyed, as something destroys the fleet that was about to launch nukes. That something will later revealed to be angels and/or God. It is never specifically mentioned.

Either way it comes off as incredibly contrived and downright rediculous, as not only are angels or whatever are revealed to be real and to have real power. But we are told that they are trying to save humanity and stop the demons.

Why then do they not succeed?

Why do they only appear once until the end?

They are clearly shown to have power and a motivation, but they do not act on it. Instead they stop the nukes from launching because again, without it the plot would not happen. The plot dictates that the world will not end just yet and so it will not.

It is this level of poorly thought out writing that plagues the show.

Why even bother introducing such a blatant Deus Ex Machina when it will not show up or be relevant to the story until the literal last few minutes.

Anyways, on to the last few episodes.

With nuclear war averted thanks to a miracle, a true blue, what the hell just happened, miracle.

Episode 8 begins with a massive plot dump as Ryo stops suffering from apparent amnesia and remembers everything about his past including the fact that he is Satan. Yes you heard me right, Ryo is Satan. And he just forgot I guess.

Chalk it up to amnesia, every bad writers excuse to make things happen or to introduce twists.

It is disappointing to say the least, as Ryo was a far greater character when he was just crazy. He hated demons, wanted to destroy them and was willing to do whatever it took to accomplish his goal, even sacrifice his best friend.

But no, scratch that, he has in fact been Satan all this time, conveniently forgot it, but has still been subconsciously trying to start the end of the world.

I mean, wow, just wow. Do I need to even explain how incredibly silly that is.

But again the plot demands it, because we need a 'big fight' at the end and Ryo cant just be some mad man no, he has to be literally Satan. Its like that terrible literally Hitler meme except worse as it is actually real. The plot actually did it.

It jumped the shark so hard that its over the moon, hell, its passing Jupiter at this point.

The story continues with Miki's dad trying to find his son and wife, who have left as his son is demon, again somehow, and his wife has taken him away to try and save him and keep him safe.

Meanwhile everyone just kills each other and goes crazy as they believe everyone else is a demon.

Devilman not realizing his bestest friend Ryo is the dark lord incarnate, somehow, the guy is thicker than a brick, but truthfully it feels like he doesn't get it because the plot does not want him to. Not yet at least. Either way Devilman calls Ryo and asks him to help find Miki's dad, Ryo does this in four seconds because reasons, money or Satan powers, never explained, Devilman brings it up in passing as if that is supposed to explain it only to forget about it and not care.

Miki's dad on the other hand has found his wife and son in a tent.

His son, now transformed into a demon that looks like a sleeping bag is currently eating his wife when Miki's dad appears, pistol in hand.

Breaking down into a fit of tears, Miki's dad tries to force himself to kill his son but cannot do it, when suddenly the army arrives. Miki's dad tries to stop them from shooting his son, but they pay him no mind and blow the little monster away, killing Miki's dad in the process.

Le Sigh.

Are we supposed to care at this point, the scene is the only one where the father has any sort of character and within minutes he is killed anyway. Whats the point?

I mean I get it, it should be a heart wrenching scene, which is ruined by the fact that you don't care. And why should you, you don't know these characters, you don't care for them, the soldiers who kill him don't, they don't even know who he is, they just shoot and go on their way.

Again the pacing destroys it, had the father been more fleshed out, had the son been, had the wife, had the soldiers. Had you cared what happened perhaps the scene would have worked, instead I was just left uncaring even as Devilman flies in and takes the dead bodies away, because oh no, he just could not make it in time, if only he was there.

Devilman then flies back to Miki's house, tells her family is dead and cries. Miki goes to her room and cries, at which point Ryo comes on the TV and tells the world that Akira is a demon and that anyone sad or mad can turn into a demon, prompting the world to spin into more chaos, somehow. As by this point everyone is already killing each other, hell the last episode ended with an almost nuclear war stopped by magic. Why should this matter? And why does it feel like the nuclear war scene should have happened at the end of this episode or the beginning of the next.

The anime does not say why or even care as it continues to pick up speed with things happening so quickly and for so little purpose that you left wondering what the creators were thinking.

Episode 9 begins where episode 8 left office with Akira ratted out and the rapper gang pointing pistols at him and Miko, who is also there, not that she matters as she is so unimportant to the plot that I have barely even mentioned her.

Explaining that he is a good guy, the gang finally relents and stops trying to kill Akira when Miki hugs him and says he is still human.

Akira then vows to stop Ryo and flies off as Devilman while Miki, Miko, and the gang stay in her house and just chill I guess. How and why they think this is a good idea is beyond me as they all have clearly seen the state of the world, and now with Akira outed they are clearly a target as shown by the mob quickly descending upon their house. Luckily Akira has left though otherwise he could easily stop what is about to happen.

And again the characters are made out to be complete and utter morons thanks to the plot.

Do the heroes try to escape? Do they try to hide? Do they even seem to care that they have basically been targeted for death by every human in the world?

No of course not, instead they all just sit around and wait to die while Miki posts messages on her twitter account or something, it is laughably stupid and is once again only happening because the plot demands it.

Miki and her friends need to be at her house that way they can be killed, but they also cannot be killed not at her house because otherwise Akira cannot find them, and thus the plot finds itself in a catch 22 wherein it must make its characters ass-numblingly dense in order for things to happen as it wants them to.

Even worse is that Akira never even makes it close to Ryo, he instead stops at a park or something were a mob of people are stoning and trying to kill a handful of others who they believe are demons. Devilman lands and tries to reason with them, to which they yell and try to kill him, throwing rocks, bottles, and even shooting at him, not that it hurts him. All the while Devilman cries, because that is just what he does, and takes it.

Meanwhile Miki and co are attacked and killed one by one, with only Miki and Miko left to escape, luckily Miko is a demon, turns into a spider thing and tries to run away.

Does she use the rooftops?

Does she dive into the river?

Does she even try to fight back?

Of course not, instead she runs, gets shot, just sort of gives up, points a gun at her own face, yells at the mob of lunatics and kills herself or is killed, I couldn't tell and I couldn't care less.

Miki tries to run away, but is shot in the leg, hobbles, and is caught and stabbed in the back while thinking of Akira coming to her rescue.

Where is Akira during all of this you might ask, well he is still with the people in the park, and while Miki and Co are being slaughtered, he is convincing the random people to stop being dicks. They all do of course, and starting with the kids, the line up and start hugging our hero.

Yeah, that's right hugging him. They get in a line and hug him. Hug him.

Luckily demons arrive and start killing everybody so that the scene ends and has no point.

Devilman then gets into a fight with this big bad who is supposed to be super important despite barely being on screen. I can't even be bothered to remember his name.

All he is there for is to fight Devilman and rip off his wings, so that Devilman is forced to run back to Miki's on all fours instead of fly there.

Again the plot demands that he not be there and so he is not there.

Thus we get to the big reveal, as Devilman arrives at the burning remains of Miki's house were the chopped up pieces of Miki and friends are being carried around on pikes by the mob of lunatics.

Devilman rightfully calls them monsters and uses his newfound and never used again fire powers to kill them all. The episode ends with him cuddling Miki's decapitated head.

And where do I even begin with this mess.

The story clearly wants you to care, for you to feel a gut wrenching depression and horror as you see Miki and friends chopped up remains.

All of our heroes friends and even his girlfriend are dead, and its all because he was not there.

That is what the scene is supposed to be in idea at least. In execution it is an entirely different matter all together.

What we get is a group of dumb characters standing around waiting to be killed because the plot demands that they be killed. They do not try to leave, they do not try to hide, they wait in their house like good little sheep waiting to be slaughtered.

It is laughably bad and comes across as terribly as it sounds.

Even worse one of the characters, Miko, is a demon and thus could easily get away as seen previously, especially since most of the mob chasing her are armed with knives and bats and the like. Instead she hops onto the ground and tries to run away from cars on an open path, she doesn't even bother to zigzag or use the river right beside her. The river that would allow her to easily swim away from the cars chasing her since as you all should know, cars don't swim. The river is huge even, and its not like she would have problems with it as she is a demon. Instead she ends up being like a cat or something and is deathly afraid of water. The whole scene comes off like the equally silly death of Charlize Theron in the terrible stinker that was Prometheus, wherein her death is so avoidable that you are left laughing at how stupid her character, and all the other characters are.

Finally we get to Devilman, who's entire reason for leaving is derailed when he sees a group of peole and decides to act like Barney the purple dinosaur. "I Love you, You love me, etc." It even works, like something out of a bad Disney cartoon, where the power of love wins over the crowd. Only for none of it to matter as the crowd is mowed down seconds later.

And to top it all off Devilman loses his wings so that he cannot even fly back to save his friends.

The whole thing comes off as a first draft, as if the writer knew what he wanted to happen but had not figured out a way to make it plausible, and instead said meh and ignored it.

Which is a shame as the moment should have been a tear-jerker.

Meanwhile the first season of One-Punch Man has a better emotional moment in it, one that actually made my cold dead heart tear up a little. Especially when Kamen-Rider just will not give up, and the crowd is cheering him on, and then bam he is easily sent flying and everything goes quiet, before it is revealed that Saitama has arrived. My heart, so good, so thought out, so perfectly executed.

Not like this.

This feels like something thought up in an afternoon.

So begins the final episode. The finale.

Akira and Ryo confront each other on a cliff edge where Ryo reveals himself to be Satan, he also has boobs now and looks more feminine, because reasons. The two talk for a few minutes before Satan dumps the backstory.

Yes he dumps the backstory in the final twenty minutes of the show.

The first half of the final episode are spent on flashbacks making the story feel like it is a rough draft once again. Everything that is explained should have happened two episodes ago.

Devilman than swears to kill Satan the next time they meet and leaves.

Because the episode is not over and twenty million more things need to happen. None of which will be seen and will instead happen within the next two minutes mostly off screen.

Akira than leaves and buries Miki's head as more Devilmen arrive and join him on his quest to stop Satan. One of the Devilmen ends up being his cat, because, who cares at this point.

With a small ragtag army at his side Akira declares his intent to stop Satan and save humanity.

Hard cut to what looks to be years later, where humanity is all but exterminated and the world is a charred and blackened ruin.

Satan and his army are attacking the final stronghold of humanity when finally Akira and the other Devilmen arrive.

That whole thing about saving humanity and stopping Satan, I guess he forgot, or couldn't find him?

At this point I thought I had skipped something.

What happened to the in between what happened to the fall of humanity.

But no, the anime just skips it all and instead jumps to the final battle.

I guess Akira was training or something, I don't know, and neither does the plot.

The final battle starts and it is revealed that what remains of humanity is living in a mountain lab/bunker where they have tubes full of Devilmen who are helping them do something, but either way it clearly shows that years have gone by if not decades. And yet in all that time nothing happened of importance that the anime wanted to show.

Akira and crew never did anything and instead let humanity fall.

This can't be serious.

There has to be a deleted episode or something right?

Of course not.

The anime at this point is moving the plot along at mach speed as it races headlong into oblivion.

Left with nothing else to do but watch the flaming wreckage crash and burn, the anime continues.

Satan and Akira fight, flying all across the world and once more making you wonder what Akira was doing while humanity was wiped out.

Then Everyone dies.

The demons die, the humans die, everyone.

All that remains is a sea of blood, Satan, and Akira.

Think End of Evengelion but without the giant head.

Satan then tells Akira that he/she loves him. More flashbacks happen where Satan explains his lack of emotions. He then turns to Akira, who's upper half is all that remains of him, as our hero has been dead this whole time. Satan then start to cry, asking why his chest hurts as angels and/or demons destroy what little remains of the world, killing Satan I guess.

The anime ends with the earth reforming, only this time with two moons instead of one as things reset are try again or whatever.

So what is there left to say.

The story has great ideas, what could have been great visuals with a better art style, and great music, brought down and dragged through the mud thanks to a poor execution of its scenes, horrible pacing that is both slow as molasses and faster than a comet, and bland characters brought down by stupid decisions forced upon them by a terribly written plot.

The anime does have its good moments however and should be applauded for trying something so over the top and insane, but sadly missing the mark by a good hundred feet and instead of coming off as memorable or great instead ends up being average at its best and terrible at its wort.

The Music and general idea do keep it from being terrible but in the end I must admit to having to watch it in chunks, with weeks between the two parts as I forced myself to finish.

So while I gave it a 3/5, I must add a caveat that it is a really low 3/5, one that just barely squeaks over the 2/5 rating for me.

#devilman crybaby #review #anime review

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

Text

The Hanzhong Campaign (217-219) and the ‘Battle of Han River’.

The battle of Han River is a strange thing in history.

Set during the early Three Kingdoms period, before the Three Kingdoms had even formed proper. The battle takes place in Hanzhong Commandery between the warlords Cao Cao and Liu Bei. To anyone who knows of the time period, be it through historical texts, games, novels, etc this should be sounding familiar.

I myself love the time period, and it was while looking through historical sources that I noticed a discrepancy.

The following is what I have found as well as my thoughts.

The Hanzhong Campaign according to Sanguozhi

Liu Bei's Biography

In 215 AD, Liu Bei had conquered Yizhou, Sun Quan sent an ambassador to him to ask for Jingzhou. Liu Bei replied:

"I need to conquer Liangzhou before I can offer Jingzhou."

Sun Quan was angry and asked Lu Meng to attack Changsha, Guiyang, and Lingling. Liu Bei led fifty thousand troops to Gong'an and asked Guan Yu to station in Yiyang. During this year, Cao Cao settled Hanzhong while Zhang Lu escaped to Ba Xi.

When Liu Bei heard of this, he asked for peace with Sun Quan and offered to divide up the Jingzhou prefecture: Jiangxia, Changsha, and North Guiyang were given to Wu, while he kept Nanjun, Lingling, and West Wuling.

Liu Bei then returned his troops to Jiangzhou and sent Huang Quan to accept Zhang Lu. But Zhang Lu had already surrendered to Cao Cao. Cao Cao asked Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He to station in Hanzhong and attack the Ba (Shu) border. Liu Bei ordered Zhang Fei to lead troops to Yanchu and fight Zhang He at Wakou pass. Zhang He was defeated and retreated to Nanzheng, capital of Hanzhong. Liu Bei returned to Chengdu.

In 218, Liu Bei took all his subordinates to attack Hanzhong and asked Wu Lan and Lei Tong to conquer Wu Du. However, they both were defeated and killed by Cao Cao's troops. Liu Bei stationed at Yangping Pass and confronted Xiahouo Yuan and Zhang He.

In the sping of 219, Liu Bei at the south of Yangping Pass passed across the Mian river and camped at Dingjun mountain. Xiahou Yuan came to take the area of Zou Ma valley. Liu Bei ordered Huang Zhong to attack Xiahou Yuan at the height of the battle drums. Xiahou Yuan as well as Ci the Inspector of Yizhou Zhao Yu, were defeated and killed by Huang Zhong. Cao Cao led his troops south to attack Liu Bei. Liu Bei said:

"Cao Cao is now coming but he is no threat to us anymore. I will soon have Han Chuan within my grasp."

When Cao Cao arrived, Liu Bei did not attack but continued to defend his camp. Many troops were deserting away from Cao Cao's side. By the time of summer, Cao Cao finally retreated and Liu Bei conquered Hanzhong. Liu Bei sent Liu Feng, Meng Da, and Li Yan to attack Shen Dan in Shangyong who later surrendered.

Zhang Fei's biography

Cao Cao defeated Zhang Lu, and left Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He to defend the Han valley. Zhang He led several battalions separately down to Baxi, intending to evacuate the locals to Hanzhong. He advanced to Dangqu, Mengtou, Dangshi, and opposed Zhang Fei for some fifty days. Zhang Fei directed more than 10,000 elite soldiers through an alternate route to intercept Zhang He. In the narrow and treacherous mountain paths, without any chance of aid from either van or rear, Zhang Fei subsequently defeated Zhang He. Zhang He abandoned Mount Mayuan and retreated with little more than ten men through a minor path, leading the troops back to Nanzheng. The land of Ba was thus able to gain peace. Liu Bei became King of Hanzhong and assigned Zhang Fei General of the Right, with insignia bestowed.

Huang Zhong's biography

In 219, Huang Zhong attacked Xiahou Yuan at Mount Dingjun in Hanzhong. Xiahou Yuan's troops were elite but on every charge Huang Zhong was at the forefront, to rouse his soldiers. The drums roused the Heavens and the roar of the soldiers resonated through the gorges. At the first clash Xiahou Yuan was beheaded and his troops greatly defeated. Huang Zhong was promoted to the position of General who Subdues the West. That year, Liu Bei became King of Hanzhong and wished to make Huang Zhong General of the Rear. Zhuge Liang advised Liu Bei saying:

"Huang Zhong's presitge never matched that of Guan Yu or Ma Chao. But now he is their equal. Ma Chao and Zhang Fei are by your side, have seen his meritorious service and will understand your choice. But when Guan Yu hears from afar, I fear that he will not be happy. This cannot be had."

Liu Bei said:

"I will resolve this myself."

Then Huang Zhong was promoted to the same level as Guan Yu and the others, and was enfeoffed as a Marquis of the Imperial Domain.

Fa Zheng's biography

In 217, Fa Zheng said to Liu Bei:

"With one blow Cao Cao compelled Zhang Lu to surrender and settled Hanzhong, but he did not follow up his advantage by invading Ba and Shu. All he has done is leave Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He to guard the place, while he himself suddenly goes back to the north. It is not that he is foolish, nor that he is weak. He must have some secret cause for anxiety. Now think about Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He. They are no match for our officers. If you raise an army and attack, you will surely defeat them."

"When you have done that, encourage farming and build stores of grain, look for some grievance and await opportunity. At best, you will overturn the enemy and preserve the royal house; at the second level, you may nibble away at Yong and Liang provinces ans so extend your territory; and at the very least, you can set a firm guard on the strategic points and secure yourself a long time to come. This is a chance from Heaven. You must not let it pass!"

Liu Bei was delighted with his plan. He then led all his officers and troops to Hanzhong. Fa Zheng also traveled with. In 219, Liu Bei from Yang Ping crossed the Mian River. He entered the mountain range and set up an encampment at Dingjun. Xiahou Yuan brought his troops to contend this ground. Fa Zheng said:

"We can strike."

Liu Bei then instructed Huang Zhong beat the drums and ride the cavalry to attack them. He greatly defeated Xiahou Yuan's army and took his head.

Cao Cao brought the army west. When he heard of Fa Zheng's plan he said:

"I knew Xuande (Liu Bei) was unable to accomplish this, someone else was teaching him."

Liu Bei made himself the King of Han Zhong and set up Fa Zheng as Prefect Imperial Secretariat and General who Protects the Army. That year he died at age 45.

A note at the end of his biography tells the following story.

Liu Bei and Cao Cao fought and the progress was slow. The idea to withdraw was voiced. Liu Bei then became very angry and would not withdraw and no one would dare object. The arrows poured down like rain so Fa Zheng stood in front of the Liu Bei. Liu Bei said:

"Xiaozhi (Fa Zheng) avoid the arrows."

Fa Zheng said:

"My enlightened lord braves the arrows and stones himself, so how can a servant like me not do so?"

Liu Bei responded:

"Xiaozhi, you and I will leave together."

And so they withdrew.

Liu Feng's Biography

In 219, orders sent Meng Da from Zigui to go north to attack Fangling, and Administrator of Fangling Kuai Qi was by Meng Da's troops killed. Meng Da was about to advance and attack Shangyong, But Liu Bei secretly feared Meng Da was difficult to be entrusted alone, and therefore sent Liu Feng from Hanzhong to ride the Mian river down to join Meng Da's army, with Meng Da meeting at Shangyong.

Shen Dan, Administrator of Shangyong, led his army to surrender, sending his wives and children and clansmen to Chengdu as hostages. Liu Bei added office to Shen Dan as General who Conquers the North, with office as Administrator of Shangyong and fief as Marquis of Yuanxiang as before, and appointed Shen Dan's younger brother Shen Yi as General Establishing Faith and Administrator of Xiheng, and sent Liu Feng as General of the Assistant Army.

Zhou Qun's Biography

Liu Bei wished to fight with Cao Cao over Hanzhong, and asked Zhou Qun. Zhou Qun answered:

"You can obtain its land, but not its people. If you send out a separate supporting army you will certainly be unsuccessful. You must be cautious!"

At the time Yizhou's Rear Division Major Zhang Yu of Shu-jun was skilled with weather based divination, and his innate talent surpassed Zou Qun, and he remonstrated Liu Bei:

"You cannot fight for Hanzhong. The army will certainly be unsuccessful."

Liu Bei did not use Zhang Yu's words, and indeed obtained the territory but not its people. Generals Wu Lan, Lei Tong, and others entered Wudu as a separate supporting force, and all died and did not return, all as Zhou Qun had said. Therefore Zhou Qun was nominated as Maocai "Abundant Talent."

Wang Ping's Biography

Followed Cao Cao on campaign to Hanzhong, and because he surrendered to Liu Bei was appointed Ivory Gate General and Supplementary General.

Cao Cao's Biography

Liu Bei sent Zhang Fei, Ma Chao, Wu Lan, and others to garrison Xiabian. Cao Hong was sent to counter them.

Cao Hong defeated Wu Lan and beheaded his general Ren Kui and others. In the third month, Zhang Fei and Ma Chao fled to Hanzhong. The Di of Yinping, Qiang Rui killed Wu Lan and presented his head.

In the seventh month, autumn, there were held military exercises for the subsequent western campaign against Liu Bei. In the ninth month, he reached Chang'an.

In 219, in the first month, Xiahou Yuan battled with Liu Bei at Yangping and was killed by Liu Bei.

In the third month, Cao Cao advanced from Xie Gorge, ordered his army to secure strategic points, approached Hanzhong and subsequently reached Yangping. Liu Bei held out in the defense of the difficult terrain.

In the fifth month, summer, he led the army in withdrawel to Chang'an.

Xiahou Yuan's Biography

When Zhang Lu surrendered, Hanzhong was pacified, and Xiahou Yuan was appointed Acting General of Regional Defense with command over Zhang He, Xu Huang, and others to pacify Ba Jun. Cao Cao returned to Ye, leaving Xiahou Yuan to defend Han Zhong and appointed Xiahou Yuan General who Conquers the West.

In 218, Liu Bei' army entered Yangping pass. Xiahou Yuan sent the officers to resist him, and they faced one another and defended through the year.

In 219, first moon, Liu Bei in the night set fire to the camp barricades. Xiahou Yuan sent Zhang He to defend the eastern side, and personally led light troops to defend the southern sides. Liu Bei advanced and battled Zhang He, and Zhang He's army was unsuccessful. Xiahou Yuan divided his troops and sent half to assist Zhang He, but was attacked by Liu Bei. Xiahou Yuan therefore died in battle.

Cao Xiu's Biography

Liu Bei sent his General Wu Lan to camp at Xiabian, Cao Cao sent Cao Hong to attack them, with Cao Xiu as Cavalry Commandant and Adviser to Cao Hong's army. Cao Cao said to Cao Xiu:

"Though you are the army's advisor, in fact you are the commander."

Cao Hong heard this order, and also entrusted matters to Cao Xiu,

In 218, Liu Bei sent Zhang Fei to camp at Gushan, wishing to cut off the army's rear. Everyone discussed and was unsure, and Cao Xiu said:

"If the rebels truly were cutting off the road, they would hide troops and move secretly. Now instead they first make noise to show strength, so this cannot be. We should while they are not yet gathered, urgently strike Wu Lan. If Wu Lan is destroyed then Zhang Fei will himself flee."

Cao Hong followed this, advanced troops to strike Wu Lan, greatly defeated them, and Zhang Fei indeed fled.

In 219, Cao Cao evacuated Hanzhong, the various armies returned to Chang'an, and appointed Cao Xiu as Central Manager of the Army.

Cao Zhen's Biography

As an Assistant-General he commanded troops to strike Liu Bei's separate division Generals at Xiabian, defeated them, and was promoted to Central Firm General. He followed to Chang'an, with command as Central Manager of the Army.

At that time, 219, Xiahou Yuan perished at Yangping, and Cao Cao mourned him. Cao Zhen became Protector of the Army campaigning against Shu, commanding Xu Huang and others to defeat Liu Bei's seperate division General Gao Xiang at Yangping.

Cao Cao reached Hanzhong, pulled back the various armies, sending Cao Zhen to Wudu to call back Cao Hong and the rest to return to garrison Chencang.

Xu Huang's Biography

Cao Cao returned to Ye, leaving Xu Huang with Xiahou Yuan to resist Liu Bei at Yangping. Liu Bei sent Chen Shi and others with over 10 battalions to cut off Mamingge road, bu Xu Huang separately campaigned and defeated them, and the rebels threw themselves into the mountain valley, and many died.

Cao Cao heard of this and was deeply pleased, gave Xu Huang a Staff of Authority, and the Order said:

"This road is Hanzhong's vital throat. Liu Bei wished to cut off the outside and inside, in order to capture Hanzhong. You General in one move overcame and defeated the rebel plans, and are the greatest of the great."

Cao Cao then himself reached Yangping (219), and led back Hanzhong's various armies.

Xin Pi's Biography

Long afterward, (217) Cao Cao sent Regional Protector Cao Hong to pacify Xiabian, and sent Xin Pi and Cao Xiu to advise him. The Order said:

"In the past Gaozu (Liu Bang) was greedy and lecherous, but Zhang Liang and Chen Ping rectified his faults. Now Zuozhi's (Xin Pi's) and Wenlie's (Cao Xiu's) worries are not light."

In 219 the army returned, and he became Chief Clerk to the Chancellor.

Zhang He's Biography

Zhang He leading an army, captured and received the surrender of the two commanderies Ba Dong (Eastern Ba) and Ba Xi (Western Ba); adding the two populations into Hanzhong. Advancing towards Dang Qu, he met resistance from Zhang Fei, and withdrew to Nanzheng. Zhang He was promoted to General who Agitates Bandits.

Liu Bei had over ten thousand elite troops under his command, divided into ten divisions, and quickly attacked Zhang He at night. Zhang He lead some personal troops to engage thus preventing Liu Bei. Afterwards, Liu Bei set fire to Zou Ma valley encircling the area. Xiahou Yuan who was putting out the fire confronted Liu Bei and fought a battle. Lacking in troops and continuing on, Xiahou Yuan died.

Zhang He returned to Yangping. Due to the recent death of their commander Xiahou Yuan, the three armies all lost complexion in their faces. They were fearful of the rising in power of Liu Bei. Xiahou Yuan's second in command, the Major Guo Huai ordered the remnants of the army thus:

"General Zhang He is a renowned general in the kingdom; one that Liu Bei fears. Today we are in a perilous state, if not for general Zhang He, we would not be safe."

Thus Zhang He was made the commander of the remaining army. Zhang He straightened out the army, tightening the troops. The various officers complying with his orders felt at eased. Cao Cao was in Chang'an, he dispatched orders to help relieve Zhang He.

Cao Cao personally arrived in Hanzhong. Liu Bei didn't dare to do battle so he stayed defending at Gao Shan. Cao Cao withdrew the various generals out of Hanzhong while Zhang He returned to station at Chencang.

According to Wei Lue: Although Xiahou Yuan held the rank of Chief Controller, Liu Bei feared Zhang He then Xiahou Yuan. After killing Xiahou Yuan, Liu Bei remarked:

"After acquiring the chief, who can do evil!"

Thus according to the Sanguozhi the Hanzhong Campaign appears to go as follows.

Fa Zheng advises Liu Bei to invade Hanzhong, to which Zhou Qun and Zhang Yu object.

Liu Bei listens to Fa Zheng and prepares an army to invade.

Zhang He attacks Ba Dong and Ba Xi, moving its citizens north to Hanzhong when Zhang Fei attacks him and defeats him, destroys him according to Zhang Fei's bio.

Zhang He returns and is promoted, thus he must not have been destroyed in battle, down to ten men or so, or the civilians he brought were enough to counterbalance the loss. Either way it should be noted that he was promoted despite losing. Something that not even Cao Ren could avoid when he was forced to flee from Zhou Yu in Jing.

Cao Cao then sends Cao Hong, with Cao Xiu, Cao Zhen, and Xin Pi under him to help defend Hanzhong.

For the next year Shu and Wei battle it out.

Liu Bei sent Zhang Fei, Ma Chao, Wu Lan, Lei Tong and others to attack Cao Hong. The Shu army attempts trickery to defeat them but is found out by Cao Xiu. Cao Hong, Cao Xiu, and Cao Zhen then attack and defeat Wu Lan and Lei Tong, leading to the death of Lei Tong, Ren Kui and others.

Zhang Fei and Ma Chao are forced to fall back while Wu Lan is killed by the Di tribes who present his head to Wei.

Liu Bei also sent Chen Shi with 10 battalions to cut off the roads leading out of Hanzhong but Xu Huang attacked and defeated him.

Liu Bei then moves to Yangping to attack Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He.

At first Liu Bei attacked Zhang He, but could not overcome him at first.

Liu Bei then set fire to Zou Ma valley, putting Zhang He in a bad spot.

In response Xiahou Yuan sent half his troops to aid Zhang He. When he did, Huang Zhong beat his drums, made a great noise and attacked, defeating and killing Xiahou Yuan. The reason for Xiahou Yuan's death seems to be his lack of troops, due to his sending half his force to aid Zhang He, which appears to have been the plan as stated in Fa Zheng's bio.

Zhang He then gathered the remaining armies and pulled back to Yangping where he is placed in charge by Guo Huai and the other commanders.

Cao Cao mourns Xiahou Yuan's death and orders Cao Zhen to take command and order Xu Huang to attack Shu's separate division commander Gao Xiang at Yangping. Xu Huang defeats him.

Cao Cao then arrives to provide aid, at which point he attempts to battle with Liu Bei who, according to the biographies of Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Zhang He, Xu Huang, and Cao Zhen.

Cao Cao and Liu Bei stay in a stalemate for two months, something that happened many times between the nations throughout the Three Kingdoms period, during which Cao Cao's army starts to abandon him, including Wang Ping who surrenders and joins Shu.

Cao Cao then packs up his army and returns to Chang'an.

Only Fa Zheng's bio mentions any fighting between Cao Cao and Liu Bei, though it is only in a note at the end. The note makes no mention of where or when the fighting takes place, and while it says the fighting is between Cao Cao and Liu Bei, Cao Cao's own bio states that Liu Bei killed Xiahou Yuan, despite the fact that Huang Zhong killed him. It thus appears that the armies in question could not in fact be Cao Cao and Liu Bei but instead Cao Cao's army and Liu Bei's army.

After Cao Cao leaves, Meng Da and Liu Feng march on Shangyong and force the surrender of Shen Dan. Thus ends the Hanzhong campaign.

Fa Zheng, Ma Chao, Zhang Fei, and Huang Zhong are given ranks for their success, as well as a few other civil officers and Guan Yu (For holding Jing).

Thus we come to the problem I found while researching the battle. And that is the battle of Han River.

The battle itself is not mentioned in any of the relevant Sanguozhi biographies of the people involved, it is however mention in the Zhao Yun Biezhuan as follows.

In 219 AD, Liu Bei and Cao Cao were battling over the control of Hanzhong. Cao Cao had huge supplies of rice stocked up near the North Mountain. Zhao Yun sent his soldiers with Huang Zhong, one of Liu Bei's great generals, to attack Cao Cao's army and to take the rice. Huang Zhong did not return on time. Along with dozens of men, Zhao Yun went out of his camp to look for Huang Zhong. Cao Cao's main force was marching at that time.

Zhao Yun ran into Cao Cao's vanguards. Not soon after the two sides commenced to engage in battle, Cao Cao's main force arrived. The situation became very perilous for Zhao Yun, as he and his men were greatly outnumbered. He decided to attack the frontline of Cao Cao's army. Cao Cao's men were surprised by the attack and momentarily dispersed. However, they soon regrouped and surrounded Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun fought his way out toward his own camp. When he found out his lieutenant general Zhang Zhu was wounded and fell behind, he went back to rescue him.

Cao Cao's army pursued Zhao Yun to his camp. At that time, the Administrator of Mianyang, Zhang Yi, was at Zhao Yun's camp. Zhang Yi thought it best to have all the gates closed in order to defend the camp. However, upon entering the camp, Zhao Yun ordered all the flags to be dropped and hidden, all drums to be silenced, and the gates to be left open completely.

Suspicious of an ambush, Cao Cao's army hastily retreated. Zhao Yun ordered his drummers to beat drums as loudly as they could, and his archers to rain down arrows on Cao Cao's men. The stunned Cao army was completely routed. Trying to escape, Cao Cao's soldiers rushed toward the River of Han, and in confusion and panic many were pushed into the river, and drowned.

The day after the battle, Liu Bei arrived and inspected the battlefield. He exclaimed:

"Zilong (Zhao Yun) has valor through and through." He ordered a celebration, complete with wines and music until late that night, in honor of Zhao Yun. From then on, Liu Bei's army called Zhao Yun General Huwei, "The General with Courage of a Tiger."

The author of the Zhao Yun Biezhuan or Unofficial Biography of Zhao Yun is unknown and the entire bio seems to be made of folk tales or stories told about Zhao Yun collected into one long tale. The following is not uncommon, especially for the people of Shu, as has been seen with the way that Guan Yu and Zhuge Liang have been twisted throughout history. With Guan Yu being worshipped as an unstoppable 'God of War' and Zhuge Liang being praised as an unparalleled genius, able to easily outsmart everyone, who also uses and knows magic.

Oddly enough, the details of the battle, wherein Zhao Yun leads a dozen men to single handedly ride through the Wei army, rescuing the mighty Huang Zhong in the process, seem entirely fictional at first glance. As not only do none of the Sanguozhi's mention it, including Zhao Yun's himself, but at the end of the campaign, Zhao Yun is given no promotion, despite supposedly earning praise and a night long party by Liu Bei himself.

The battle also includes mention of the Empty Fort Strategy, a strategy which seems to have mostly been made up and is only mentioned in fictional accounts of battles such as with Zhuge Liang, Cao Cao and Wen Ping.

Which is another thing I find odd with the story, as, if it were retold in modern days would sound something like Zhao Yun rides out with a handful of men, saves a mighty general who had just earned his greatest fame, attacks and defeats the Russians singlehandly throwing them into confusion, and when they march against him he tricks and defeats them, this time routing the army, which is personally led by Putin himself, killing thousands. And the next day President Trump arrives shakes his hand, grants him an awesome nickname and throws a party for him through the night.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous. Like one of those bragging posts people post online, where they do something everyone cheers, and then Albert Einstein slaps them on the back tells them good job before giving them a million dollars. It sounds that rediculous.

And yet the battle is mentioned by both Pei Songzhi and Rafe de Crespigney for reasons I cannot see.

Again sourced only from Zhao Yun's unofficial biography. The two seem to have taken the approach that while it is not mentioned anywhere, it is also not not mentioned anywhere and thus might have or in fact did happen. Which I find odd.

They are of course only human after all, as I and everyone else is, and perhaps they have made a mistake or perhaps I have.

Either way while some might criticize Chen Shou for any faults he might have had as a person and/or historian, I do not believe any would say the man would forget a battle.Especially a battle of such magnitude and which involves not only Cao Cao, but also Huang Zhong, Zhao Yun, and even Liu Bei at the end.

And yet their is no mention of it anywhere in Chen Shou's works.

Thus I can only conclude that one of four things happened.

Either A

The battle did not happen and is completely made up, as every mention of Cao Cao's involvement only mentions him arriving, Liu Bei refusing to give battle, his army starting to desert, and Cao Cao retreating.

The battle did happen but it was not as important as Zhao Yun's unnoficial bio states, and or the victory and results were exaggerated

The battle did happen but Cao Cao was not there himself and instead only 'Cao Cao's army.'

The battle happened exactly as detailed and Chen Shou just forgot to mention it. Ever.

While I will never know what happened, as it happened 2000 years ago, I must say that without supporting evidence beyond an unofficial biography written by someone, sometime, somewhere, that I must then conclude that it did not happen or at the very least did not happen as described.

Which while taking away from possibly Zhao Yun's greatest military achievement, personally almost single-handedly defeating and routing one of it not the greatest military mind at the time. (On a personal note, it sounds incredibly ridiculous the more times I type it out.) It should not take away from Zhao Yun that much, as the man was still praised by Chen Shou as being firm, courageous and of immense service alongside Huang Zhong. He then compares the two to Guan Ying and Xiahou Ying, either separatly with Huang Zhong being compared to Guan Ying and Zhao Yun being compared to Xiahou Ying, or both being compared to both.

Either way, Chen Shou seems to hold the two in high regard, while he does not hold Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, or Ma Chao in high regard.

In conclusion my thoughts on the Battle of Han River lean towards option A or C, wherein Zhao Yun did in fact attack Cao Cao's forces, securing a minor victory, one not big enough to be mentioned anywhere, and was just a minor thing. Or it did not happen at all.

#Three Kingdoms #Hanzhong Campaign #Zhao Yun

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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A Complete History of the Three Kingdoms Year 187

187 AD

-In the spring, in the first month on Feb 16th, there was an amnesty for the empire.

-In the second month some bandits of Rongyang killed the Luo Hao, Prefect of Zhongmou, and his Registrar Pan Yin. In the third month He Miao, the Intendant of Henan, attacked the bandits and destroyed them. He Miao was appointed General of Chariots and Cavalry.

-He Miao was from Wan County in Nanyang Commandery. He was born a poor man, but when his half-sister became Empress, he, along with He Jin, was sent to the capital.

-Han Sui killed Bian Zhang, Beigong Boyu, and Li Wenhou, took over all their forces to command more than a hundred thousand men, and went forward to besiege the headquarters of Longxi Commandery. Li Xiangru, the Grand Administrator, rebelled against the Han and made an alliance with Han Sui.

-Geng Bi, the Inspector of Liang Province, led the troops of six commanderies to attack Han Sui. Geng Bi had appointed Cheng Qiu as his Attendant Official at Headquarters, but Cheng Qiu was in league with a gang of profiteers and extortioners, and the gentlemen and the common people all hated him.

-Fu Xie, the Grand Administrator of Hanyang, said to Geng Bi:

"Commissioner, you have not had much experience in administration, and the people are not yet accustomed to you. When the rebels hear that your powerful army is approaching, they will all be united against you. Those men from the border country are excellent fighters, and it will be hard to match their attacks. On the other hand our men have only recently been gathered together, and the officers and soldiers are not yet used to one another. If there should be some trouble within our ranks it will be too late for regrets."

"The best thing to do is let the army halt a while and build up morale. Make your rewards clear and your punishments certain. When you take the pressure off the rebels like this, they are sure to say to themselves that we are afraid of them. Such evil men will certainly struggle for power, and they will soon quarrel among themselves. After that, you will be leading people who know what they are fighting for, and bringing them against an enemy who is completely disorganized. You need only sit and wait, and success will come."

Geng Bi would not accept his advice.

-In the summer, in the fourth month, Geng Bi came to Didao, and then his Aide-de-Camp led a mutiny and joined the rebels. First they killed Cheng Qiu and then they killed Geng Bi.

-Then the rebels came forward to besiege Hanyang. In the capital of Hanyang there were few soldiers and no reserves of food, but Fu Xie sill held firm.

-Fu Xie's son, Fu Gan, thirteen years old, said to his father:

"The nation is in confusion and disorder, and that is why you have never received your true deserts from the court. You have too few soldiers now to maintain your defense, and you should accept the invitation of these Qiang and other tribes people and go back to our homeland. Wait until a worthy man appears, and then join him."

-Even before he had finished speaking, Fu Xie sighed miserably and said:

"You know that I must die. A sage is equal to any position, and even a lesser man should not fail his responsibilities. Zhou of Yin was cruel and tyrannical, ye Boyi died for him because he could not eat the millet of the conquering Zhou dynasty. I have met with a time of disorder and I cannot fulfill my true ambition. I have taken his salary, so how can I seek to avoid his time of danger? Where else can I go? I must die hie! You have talent and understanding, I hope you will do your best. Yang Hui, the Master of Records, will act as my Cheng Ying."

-Wang Guo, a man of Didao, sent Huang Yan, the former Grand Administrator of Jiuquan, to say to Fu Xie:

"The empire is gone forever from the government of Han. Magistrate, would you be prepared to become our leader?"

Fu Xie put his hand to his sword and shouted at Huang Yan:

"You, an official with a seal, have become the messenger boy for a gang of rebels!"

Then he led out his soldiers in a charge, and died in the thick of the fray.

-Ma Teng of Youfufeng, who had been Major under Geng Bi, also led his troops to rebel, and he joined forces with Han Sui. The rebels then made Wang Guo their leader and plundered the Three Adjuncts.

-Because the bandits and rebels had not been pacified, the Grand Commandant Zhang Wen left office. The Minister over the Masses, Cui Lie, was made Grand Commandant. In the fifth month the Minister of Works Xu Xiang became Minister over the Masses and the Superintendent of the Imperial Household Ding Gong of Pei kingdom became Minister of Works.

-Ding Gong had been the Inspector of Jiaozhi and Administrator of Cangwu in the 180s.

-Before this, Zhang Wen had raise three thousand shock cavalry from Wuhuan of You Province to use them in Liang Province. The former Chancellor of Zhongshan, Zhang Chun of Yuyang, asked to be given the command, but Zhang Wen turned him down and appointed the Prefect of Zhuo, Gongsun Zan of Liaoxi.

-Gongsun Zan, styled Bogui, was a man of Lingzhi in Liaoxi. He became a Scribe Assistant Below the Gate in Lingzhi Commandery. He had an imposing appearance and great voice. Gongsun Zan was also skilled in rhetoric. Whenever he discussed matters he was not superficial, and always made several different points, never forgetting or making a mistake. The Administrator Hou was impressed with his ability, wed his daughter to him, and sent him to visit Lu Zhi of Zhuo-jun to study the classics.

-Later he became a commandery official. When Administrator Liu Ji was in trouble and summoned to visit the Minister of Justice, Gongsun Zan drove the chariot, and personally attended to him. When Liu Ji was exiled to Rinan, Gongsun Zan prepared grain and meat, and north of Ming hill offered sacrifices to his ancestors, raising the libation cup and saying:

"Previously I was a son, but now I am a servant, and will soon to to Rinan. Rinan has unhealthy air, and perhaps I may not return, so I bid farewell to my ancestors."

He again bowed and rose, and at the time of those watching there were none who did not sob. On the road, Liu Ji was pardoned and returned.

-Gongsun Zan was nomitaed Filial and Incorrupt and became a Palace Gentleman, and was sent out as Chief Clerk of Liaodong Dependent State.

-Once he went with several tens of cavalry to patrol Sai, and encountered several hundred Xianbei riders. Gongsun Zan therefore retreated to an empty precinct, and said to his following cavalry:

"Now if we do not charge through them, then we will all be killed."

Gongsun Zan then himself grasped a lance, attacked a blade on both ends, and charged and stabbed through the barbarians, killing and wounding several tens, but also losing half his riders, and so they escaped. The Xianbei were intimidated and afterward did not dare again enter Sai. For his deeds Gongsun Zan was promoted to Magistrate of Zhuo.

-When the army reached Ji territory, the Wuhuan found that none of their supplies had been issued, and many of them mutinied and went back home.

-Zhang Chun, who was annoyed that he had not been given the command, now made an alliance with Zhang Ju, a man from the same commandery, who had once been Grand Administrator of Taishan, and with Qiuliju, a chieftain of the Wuhuan. Together they raided Ji. They killed Gongqi Chou, the Colonel Protector of the Wuhuan, Liu Zheng, the Grand Administrator of Youbeiping, and Yang Zhong, the Grand Administrator of Liaodong.

-Their forces now numbered more than a hundred thousand, they set their base at Feiru, and Zhang Ju was proclaimed Emperor. Zhang Chun took the titles of General Who Governs the Universe and King of Peace and Settlement. They sent a letter to the provinces and commanderies to say that Zhang Ju was destined to succeed the Han, that the Son of Heaven should leave his palace, and that he should send his excellencies and ministers to receive the new ruler.

-Gonsun Zan took command, pursued and attacked Zhang Chun with achievements, and was promoted to Cavalry Commandant. The Dependent State Wuwan King of Tanzhi led his tribe to surrender to Gongsun Zan. Gongsun Zan was promoted to Palace Gentleman-General and given a fief as Marquis of Duting.

-In the winter, in the tenth month, the bandit Ou Xing of Changsha gave himself the title of General. He commanded an army of more than ten thousand men. An edict appointed the Gentleman-Consultant Sun Jian as Grand Administrator of Changsha. Sun Jing, Cheng Pu, Han Dang, and Zhu Zhi followed him, with Han Dang serving as a Major with a Separate Command and Zhu Zhi as Major.

-Sun Jian reached the commandery and took personal command of his officers and soldiers, issuing orders saying:

"Treat the good people carefully and mildly and keep the official documents according to regulations. Leave the robbers and killers to me!"

He devised a strategy and within the month had defeated Ou Xing and the rest.

-Zhou Chao and Guo Shi also led their host to revolt at Lingling and Guiyang in coordination with Ou Xing. Sun Jian subsequently left his own administrative borders to find and subdue them and the three commanderies returned to usual once more.

-Around this time Sun Jian enlisted Huang Gai into his service to help defeat the bandits of the southern commanderies.

-Huang Gai was a man from Quanling in Lingling Commandery, Jing Province. Huang Gai's youth was difficult. He was orphaned when he was very young and had to cut firewood to earn money. But he was ambitious, he would learn to read or discuss military matters in his spare time. As he grew older, Huang Gai took position as a commandery official . He was nominated as Incorrupt and Filially Pious.

-About this time the Chief of Yichun county in Yuzhang Commandery, a nephew of Lu Kang, asked Sun Jian for help when he was attacked by bandits.

-Sun Jian made ready to go, but then one of his clerical officers objected: though Yichun was just over the eastern borders of Changsha, it was not only in a different commandery but also in a different province. Sun Jian replied:

"I have none of the civil graces. Warfare is my work. If I cross the borders to attack some rebels, that is simply giving help to a neighbor. Even if I am committing a crime, why should I feel ashamed?"

-Sun Jian was enfeoffed as Marquis of Wucheng for his successes.

-Sun Jian memorialized Zhu Zhi as Acting Commandant. While Han Dang shared credit with his army assistants and followers, and therefore his rank did not increase.

-In the eleventh month Cui Lie, the Grand Commandant, left office. Cao Song, the Grand Minister of Agriculture, was made Grand Commandant.

-In the twelfth month the Chuge barbarians, a clan of the Xiongnu, rebelled.

-In this year Marquisates Within the Imperial Domain were sold for the price of five million cash.

-Chen Shi, former Chief of Taiqiu, died. More than thirty thousand men came from every part of the empire to attend his funeral.

-In his own village, Chen Shi would deal with every problem calmly and equitably. If there was some dispute, people would always come to ask his judgement, he would explain who was right and who was wrong, and no one ever went away dissatisfied with his decision. People would sigh and say:

"It is better to be punished by the law than have Master Chen despise you."

-When Yang Ci and Chen Dan were appointed as excellencies and ministers, and all the officials paid them respects, they would sigh that Chen Shi was the man worthy of the highest positions, and they were ashamed to take precedence over him.

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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A Complete History of the Three Kingdoms Year 186

186 AD

-In the spring, in the second month, Zhao Ci, a soldier in Jiangxia, led a mutiny and killed Qin Xie, the Grand Administrator of Nanyang.

-On March 24th there was an amnesty for the empire.

-The Grand Commandant Zhang Yan left office. A messenger was sent with credentials to go to Chang'an and appointed Zhang Wen as Grand Commandant. This was the first occasion that one of the Three Excellencies had held his appointment outside the capital.

-The Regular Palace Attendant Zhao Zhong was made General of Chariots and Cavalry, and the Emperor ordered him to recommend those who had done good work in the wars against the Yellow Turbans.

-Zhen Ju, the Bearer of the Gilded Mace, said to Zhao Zhong:

"Fu Nanrong was with the armies in the east and did well, but he never received a marquisate. There are many people in the empire who were discouraged that such a worthy man should fail to gain recognition. Now you, my general, hold a most important post. You should bring this worthy man to notice and right the wrong that has been done to him. This is the sort of thing that people like to see."

-Zhao Zhong accepted this idea, and he sent his younger brother Zhao Yan, the Colonel of the City Gates, to present his compliments to Fu Xie and say to him:

"Fu Nanrong, just make a bit of response to my brother, and a marquisate with ten thousand household is yours."

-Fu Xie, looking very serious, turned him down:

"If I did well and no one took note of it, that is just a matter of luck. But how can I seek a reward through underhand means?"

-Zhao Zhong was extremely angry, but he was afraid of Fu Xie's reputation and did not dare to harm him. Fu Xie was sent out to be Grand Administrator of Hanyang.

-The Emperor ordered Song Dian, the Prefect Intendant of the Imperial Palace Gardens, to repair the Jade Hall in the Southern Palace, and he set Bi Lan, the Prefect of the Lateral Courts, to cast four bronze statues and four bells, and both officers were issued with two thousand bushels of grain.

-There were also images cast of heavenly deer and frogs which jetted water, and these were set up at the east of the bridge outside the Gate of Tranquility to bring water into the palace. He had chain pumps and a thirsty crow set up at the west of the bridge, to spray water down the north-south roads of the suburbs. The Emperor planned that this should save his people the expense of scattering water to lay the dust.

-In the fifth month, on July 4th, there was an eclipse of the sun.

-In the sixth Wang Men, the Inspector of Jing Province, attacked Zhuo Ci and killed him.

-The General of Chariots and Cavalry Zhao Zhong left office.

-In the winter, in the tenth month, the barbarians of Wuling rebelled. The commandery troops attacked them and defeated them.

-Zhang Yan, the former Grand Commandant, was slandered by the eunuchs and was sent to prison and died.

-In the twelfth month the Xianbi raided two provinces You and Bing.

-Zhang Wen was recalled to the capital. Sun Jian followed him and was made Gentleman-Consultant in the civil administration.

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Hail, Ceasar! Review

The Coen brothers are an odd bunch.

For every good or great movie they make they seem to make an equally bad or terrible one.

Hail, Caesar! is one of the bad ones.

Set in the 1950's this comedy drama details the life and daily goings of Eddie Mannix (Josh Brolin), the head of physical production at Capital Pictures. He also works as a 'fixer', who's job is to keep his companies stars scandalous behavior out of the headlines. Thus the majority of the film is made up of several different set pieces involving whichever big name actor or actress they could cram into the movie. With an over arching plot about George Clooney's character being kidnapped and Brolin trying to find him. The problem is that none of the scenes are interesting or funny, and instead do nothing more than pad out the run time.

Even stranger is how such an ensemble cast, including Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Scarlett Johanson, Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, and many others could be so dull. Every scene, every actor, puts just enough into their performance to try but not enough to care.

As for the padded scenes, none are more drawn out and unneeded than Channing Tatum which drags on for minutes, with no point or need. He dances he sings, he does everything you would imagine had this film been a musical made in the fifties, only there is no reason for it. The Coens wanted to film a musical dance number and so they did.

For an hour and forty six minutes the movie slogs along, showing how making movies is all business in the most drawn out bland way possible. Stars come and go, reciting their lines, collecting their paychecks and leaving.

Were it intentional it might have been funny itself. As a movie with intentioanlly bad actors and over the top sets and scenes can work, as it does in Black Dynamite. Hail, Ceasar! however is no Black Dynamite.

There is even a narrator, who prattles on about what little plot there is, in what must surely be another unfunny reference to something.

And aside from Alden Ehrenreich who's singing cowboy turned dramatic actor delivers a few minor chuckles with his inability to read lines, the film is unbearably unfunny.

The film itself is shot well, with descent visuals. It looks and feels the part of a film made in or set in 1950's Hollywood, which is impressive considering its budget of only 22 million, especially considering the amount of stars within it.

Unfortunately set design and Star quantity does not automatically equate to a good film. And like most bad Coen Films you are left wondering what was the point of it all at the end of the movie.

1/5

A film that is too bloated and full of itself to remember to tell an interesting story with interesting characters. Instead the film takes a simple premise, that Hollywood is corrupt and drags it out into a pretentious acting exercise for its stars. They read their lines, they dance, they sing, and in the end George Clooney gets slapped.

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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House on Willow Street

House on Willow Street is a 2016 South African horror film directed by Alistair Orr and starring Sharni Vinson (Your Next).

In it Sharni and three other criminals join together to kidnap the daughter of a wealthy diamond owner and/or distributor. The only problem is that the woman is possessed by a demon.

Trapped in a warehouse, the group of kidnappers must figure out how to survive.

An interesting premise.

Sadly the film is ruined by shoddy effects, terrible acting, especially by Zino Ventura who plays Mark. The man just will not stop grinning no matter what is happening.

He sees his dead daughter. Grinning.

He is attacked by demon powers. Grinning.

He is about to die. Grinning.

Not that the other actors are any better, with the only ones of any note being the two priests who appear on a recording. A recording which is the best part of the movie as it basically condenses an average exorcist film into about five minutes.

The problem is the rest of the film plays out much the same as any other exorcist film. Only instead of with family members and priests, it is with low grade criminals.

Criminals who look like they would bail on the first sign of trouble.

Instead they stick around to be slowly picked off as is the usual in bad horror films.

And aside from the recording, as well as the quick return trip to the house a few minutes prior, the film is a bore. Full of lazy jump scares and bad acting.

The film does however have one of the dumbest endings I've seen in a while which I will go into after giving my rating.

2/5

A cheap lazy film, made up of cliches, bad effects and bad acting that ruins a brilliant premise. But than the film is made by people I've never heard of, who are apparently from South Africa. What the budget was for this film I cannot say, but the lack of said budget definitely shows.

Spoilers for the Ending

With the review out of the way onto the hilariously bizarre ending.

With everyone dead or possessed by the devil, we find out lead actress Sharni running through the woods from the warehouse most of the film was filmed at. Racing towards her and her friends van, which has crashed and is currently upside down, she scrounges around for some kind of weapon as the demon possessed girl and her demon possessed zombie friends begin pounding on the walls outside.

Grabbed by the demon girl she is about to be possessed herself, when suddenly her dead mom, who was burned alive years ago appears as a ghost or something, tosses aside the demon girl, and uses her fire powers to kill the two zombie friends in as slow a manner as possible. Dazed and confused, the demon girl than just sits around in the van as Sharni douses her in gasoline, shuts the doors, lights her on fire and runs away.

How her mom is there, why she can defeat and kill the demons so easily, why the demon girl is now useless, none of it is explained, it just happens. As if the film got to the point where Sharni is about to be possessed and than they realized they wanted a happy ending, thus they pulled whatever that was out of thin air to make it happen. It was one of the most idiotic things I've seen in a while, but it did give me a good laugh.

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dethdealer12345-blog · 6 years

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Year 185

Zhongping 1: 185 AD

Eleventh Lunar Month Junzi

-The Major Sun Jian led his troops and was first to climb the walls. On January 11th they stormed Wan city. Sun Xia fled and Zhu Jun chased him as far as the Jing Hills in Xi'e. Zhu Jun defeated him once more and cut off another ten thousand heads.

-Zhu Jun rendered the details to the Imperial Court and Sun Jian was made a Major with a Seperate Command.

-At this the Yellow Turbans were defeated and scattered. The remainder of them were dealt with by the provincial and commandery governments. Thousands of people were executed in a single commandery.

Twelfth Lunar Month Junzi

-On February 16th there was an amnesty for the empire and the reign title was changed to Zhongping.

-Wang Yun of Taiyuan, the Inspector of Yu Province, defeated the Yellow Turbans and obtained letters written to them from supporters and clients of Zhang Rang. He sent them to the Emperor. The Emperor was furious with Zhang Rang, but Zhang Rang kowtowed and begged for pardon, and in the end he managed to avoid punishment.

-As a result of this, Zhang Rang found some way to get Wang Yun into trouble, and Wang Yun was sent to prison. Soon afterwards, an amnesty was issued and he was reappointed Inspector, but little more than a week later he was summoned again on another charge.

-Yang Ci, unwilling that Wang Yun should suffer ignominy and disgrace sent one of his attendants to say to him, with many apologies:

"It is because of Zhang Rang that you have been summoned twice in a single month. Evil and difficulty crowd around you, and they are quite unpredictable. The best thing you can do is to take your own life first."

-Some of Wang Yun's Attendant Officials thought to bring matters to a crisis point, and together, with tears in their eyes, they came to offer him a draught of poison. Wang Yun growled to them:

"I am the Emperor's servant. If I have done wrong in his eyes, then I must accept his punishment and answer for my faults before all the world. How can I seek for death by taking poison?"

He tossed the cup aside, got up and went out to the cage cart.

-When Wang Yun arrived at the office of the Commandant of Justice at the capital, the General-in-Chief He Jin sent in a memorial jointly with Yang Ci and Yuan Wei to plead for his life, and they obtained a remission of his charge.

-After being released Wang Yun changed his name and took refuge in the border region between Chenliu commandery in Yan province and Henei commandery in Sili.

-Since Huangfu Song suppressed the Yellow Turban Rebellion, he inspired awe throughout the nation. The political situation deteriorated day by day, and the Empire was exhausted and stranded in difficulties. Yan Zhong a native of Hanyang who served as former Xingdu Magistrate, tried to persuade Huangfu Song rashly.

"Timing is something hard to obtain but easy to be lost. Along with the right comes opportunity. That's why sagacious people act in accordance, and wise people let opportunities guide their behaviors. My General, now that you have encountered rare fortune and opportunities that may easily change, if you do not accept the fortune and exploit the opportunity to act, how can you secure your power and reputation?"

Huangfu Song said:

"What are you talking about?"

Yan Zhong said:

"The Heaven does not favor any specific person. The people only support the mightiest one. Now, my general, you were authorized in late spring to suppress the rebels, and you achieved feats in late winter. Your military maneuvers were miraculous, and your strategies all worked well. You defeated the formidable enemies so easily as if you broke some dead wood. You eliminated hard opponents as if you had poured hot water on snow. Within a few months, your military operations wiped out the rebellion like lightning bolts. You buried the enemy corpses and inscribed your feats onto monuments. You reported to the Imperial Court, and earned Great prominence in the Empire. Your fame traveled overseas. Even Emperor Tangwu's feat are not greater than yours. Now that you have achieved great feats that cannot be rewarded with incentives, and you are a man with remarkable virtues, you still serve an incompetent Emperor, how can you guarantee your safety?"

Huangfu Song said:

"I worked hard day and night, and never forgot to be loyal to his Majesty. Why shouldn't I feel safe?"

Yan Zhong said:

"That's probably not the case. In the past, Han Xin was grateful for the one meal treated by Emperor Gaozu, and gave up opportunity to rule one third of the entire territory. When a sharp sword was placed on his throat, he regretted bitterly and sighed. His opportunity was lost and his plot failed."

"The authority of the present Emperor is weaker than Liu Bang and Xiang Yu, whereas your power is greater than that of Han Xin, Marquis of Huaiyin. When you wave your fingers, you may stir up a wind and cloud. If you should shout, you may summon thunder and lightning. If you rise up decisively, and exploit this critical political situation, you are able to subvert the Empire easily. You may offer incentives to the people who first show support to you, and use violence to coerce the people who are hesitant to obey you. You may summon people from Jizhou, and organize troops stationed in seven prefectures."

"First, you can issue an official denunciation. And then, you dispatch troops to traverse Zhang River, and march to Menjin. You slay all eunuchs and eliminate the villains of the Court. Even children would wave their fists to show their support to you; even women could roll up their sleeves and work for you, not to mention the mighty forces. They can carry out operations as swiftly as wind! When your feats have been achieved, and the people are all obedient, you may offer sacrifice to the Heavenly Lord, and inform Him of the Mandate of Heaven. You will unify the empire again and assume the imperial throne. You seize the treasure of power and bury the Han Empire."

"This is truly the best opportunity and timing for you. The Han Empire is corrupt as rotten wood, which is impossible for carving. This dynasty is in decline, and it is difficult for you to contribute to its governance. If you are stubborn to do it, you would feel that it is difficult as letting balls roll up over a slope themselves, or sailing a boat against strong wind. Is that supposed to be easy?"

"And now the eunuchs have formed their alliance, and the villains gather like people in the market. The Emperor's edicts are never implemented. All power goes to the eunuchs that are close to the throne. It is hard for you to survive for long under such a weak boss. Since the feats you achieved cannot be rewarded with incentives, there will be slanderers and backstabbers. If you do not take actions soon, someday you may feel it is too late to regret it."

Huangfu Song said with fear:

"Unusual schemes cannot be exercised in such a stable situation. It can't be possible for an average man to achieve great feats. The Yellow Turbans are small enemies. They are never as mighty as the Qin Empire and Xiang Yu. They formed their organizations not long ago, and they were easy to dissolve. They were not supposed to succeed in their cause. And the people are still loyal to the Emperor."

"The Heaven does not favor traitors. If I expect to achieve great feats that I do not deserve, this would only bring disasters to me soon. It is still better that I remain a loyal official to the Imperial Court. Even though there would be much slandering, the worst result for me is exile or deposition. I still have a clean reputation, and will be remembered by the people after my death. Your unusual suggestion is something I dare not hear."

Yan Zhong knew that his advice would not be accepted, so he fled back to his home of Hanyang.

Zhongping 2: 185 AD

-In the spring, in the first month of February, there was a great pestilence.

-In the second month on March 28th there was a fire in the Cloud Terrace of the Southern Palace. On March 29th there was a fire at the gate of the Hall of the Achievement of joy.

-The Regular Palace Attendants Zhang Rang and Zhao Zhong encouraged the Emperor to make a levy of ten cash on every mou of cultivated land in the empire, and to use the money for the repair of the palace buildings and for the casting of bronze statues.

-Lu Kang, the Grand Administrator of Le'an, sent in a memorial of protest:

"In ancient times, when Duke Xuan of Lu set a tax on the arable land, a plague of locust made their appearance. When Duke Ai increased the taxes, Confucius himself disapproved of it. Surely it will be even worse if you should seize the people's goods to make these useless statues. You should be ignoring the warnings of the sages and you would follow the mistaken patterns of weak rulers."

-The Emperor's close attendants slandered Lu Kang, saying that he was comparing the sacred government of the Emperor with the ruined states of the past; great iniquity. A cage-cart was sent to bring him to the Commandant of Justice. The Attendant Imperial Clerk Liu Dai sent in a memorial to explain his case, and Lu Kang was allowed to retire to his own village. Lu Kang was a grandson of Lu Xu.

-Another edict demanded that the provinces and commanderies each send a quata of timber and patterned stone to the capital. The eunuchs repeatedly claimed that quantities of the material were not up to standard. They forced the price down to only one tenth of its original cost, and then they resold it. Again, the eunuchs would delay their acceptance of the goods, so the timber was left in heaps to rot, and for year after year the palaces remained unfinished. The Inspectors and Grand Administrators also took their personal commission, and the people groaned under the burden.

-It was further ordered that cavalrymen of the Western Garden should travel among the provinces and commanderies to speed up the transport. They disturbed the local administrations, and they too collected bribes.

-Every official, from Inspector and Grand Administrator down to Abundant Talent and Filially Pious and In-corrupt candidates, whenever they were appointed or promoted, they had to contribute cash for the army funds or for the repair of the palace buildings. A man appointed to a large commandery had to pay twenty or thirty million cash, and the smaller commanderies were in proportion. Those who were due to receive office had first to go to the Western Garden to negotiate the price before they could take up their posts. The more honest of them begged for permission not to go, but all were compelled to do so.

-Then Sima Zhi of Henei was appointed the new Grand Administrator of Julu. He was known as a poor and honest man, and so his fee was diminished to three million cash. When Sima Zhi received his orders, he sighed and said:

"I should be the father and mother of my people, and yet instead I am supposed to rob my flock because of present custom. I cannot do that."

He made excuses and said he was sick, but the court refused to accept his resignation. He traveled as far as the Meng Crossing, and from there he sent in a memorial setting out in the strongest terms what was with the whole system, and then he took poison and committed suicide. The memorial came before the throne, and the Emperor called a temporary halt to the collection of money for the palace building fund.

-Zhu Jun was made General of Chariots and Cavalry on the Right.

-From the time of Zhang Jue's rebellion, bandits and rebels had sprung up everywhere. There was Ox Horn Zhang of Boling, Flying Swallow Chu of Changshan, and innumerable other groups under such leaders as Huanglong, Bo Bo, Zuoxiao, Guo Daxian, Yu Digen, Qing Niujue, Zhang Boji, Liu Shi, Zuo Zizhangba, Ping-Han Daji, Sili Yuanzai, Leigong, Fuyun, Feiyan, Boque, Yang Feng, Yu Du, Wulu, Li Damu, Bo Rao, Sui Gu, and Kuqiu. The larger of them would control twenty or thirty thousand men, the smaller only six or seven thousand.

-Ox-Horn Zhang and Flying Swallow Chu combined their forces to attack Yingtao, but Ox-Horn was struck by an arrow and mortally wounded. Before he died, he ordered all his followers to obey Flying Swallow as their leader, and Flying Swallow changed his surname to Zhang. Flying Swallow's personal name was Yan, meaning Swallow, but he was quick and agile and brave, and so the men of his army called him Flying Swallow. Many of the bandits and robbers in the hills and valleys came to join him, his forces grew steadily in numbers till they reached a million and were known as the Black Mountain Bandits. All the commanderies north of the Yellow River were exposed to their attacks and the court could do nothing to stop them.

-Then Zhang Yan sent messengers to the capital with a memorial asking to surrender, and he was appointed General of the Gentlemen of the Household Who Pacifies Disorder and was given change of all the affairs off the hills and valleys north of the Yellow River. Every year he was entitled to nominate Filially Pious and Incorrupt candidates and to send in Reporting Officers.

-The Minister over the Masses Yuan Wei left office. In the third month the Commandant of Justice Cui Lie became Minister over the Masses. Cui Lie was an elder cousin of Cui Shi.

-At this time it was common practice for the Three Excellencies to obtain their appointments by submitting money to the Western Garden through the Regular Attendants and the imperial nurses. Duan Jiong, Zhang Wen, and others, although they had great achievements and a fine reputation, they still had to pay their money before they could receive promotion to the highest rank. Cui Lie submitted five million cash through a nurse, and only then was he made Minister over the Masses. On the day that he was inaugurated, with the Emperor in attendance and all the court gathered for the ceremony, the Emperor turned to his favorites and said:

"I'm afraid we should have kept him waiting a bit longer. We could have got ten million out of him."

-The Lady Cheng, standing beside him, replied:

"Lord Cui is one of the leading men of Ji province. Why should he be prepared to buy his office? You don't realize how lucky you are. It was only through my work that you got anything at all."

-As a result of this Cui Lie's reputation suffered a considerable decline.

-Beigong Boyu and his forces plundered in Jingzhao, Youfufeng, and Zuopingyi commanderies. These commanderies were also known as the Three Adjuncts and were located around the old capital of Chang'an. By edict Huangfu Song, General of Chariots and Cavalry on the Left, was ordered to move into Chang'an and attack them. Sun Jian was still assigned to his new army and was promoted to Major with independent command. Dong Zhuo, General of the Gentlemen of the East was also sent with him as a subordinate general.

-At this time, the whole of Liang province was in continual disorder and rebellion, and the court had to call again and again on the corvee services and taxes. Cui Lie proposed that Liang province should be abandoned, and the Emperor called a council of the dukes, ministers and all the court officials to discuss the question.

-The Gentlemman Consultant Fu Xie spoke most vehemently against the idea, saying:

"If only the Minister over the Masses was executed, all the troubles of the empire would be at an end."

The Masters of Writing protested to the Emperor that Fu Xie had abused a great minister in open court, and the Emperor called upon Fu Xie to justify himself.

-Fu Xie replied:

"Fan Kuai considered Modun to be treacherous, and he gave his opinion very forcefully. In no way did he offend the conduct of a subject, but Ji Bu could still say, 'Fan Kuai should be executed.' Now Liang Province is one of the most important and valuable districts of the empire, and a bulwark of our state. When Gaozu first came to power, he sent Li Shang on a special mission to settle the lands west of the Long Mountain. When the Epochal Exemplar Emperor Wu held the government, he established four commanderies in that region, and all agreed that this was like cutting off the right arm of the Xiongnu."

"But now the official administrators have lost control, and they have let the whole province fall into rebellion. Cui Lie is one of the highest ministers, yet he takes no thought to the real needs of the state and he makes no plan for resorting order. Instead he is prepared to abandon ten thousand li of territory, and I have the gravest doubts of his plan. Should this region be occupied by the barbarians, so they could cause trouble by their great military strength, then this would be of the utmost danger to our empire and a serious loss to the nation."

"If Cui Lie failed to realize the consequences of his policy, he is a fool. If he knows what he is saying, he is a traitor."

-The Emperor thought Fu Xie's argument excellent, and he rejected Cui Lie's proposal.

-In the summer, in the fourth month, on May 28th there was great rain and hail.

-In the Fifth month the Grand Commandant Deng Sheng left office. The Grand Coachman Zhang Yan of Henan was made Grand Commandant.

-In the Sixth month Zhang Rang and eleven other Regular Attendants were enfeoffed as full marquises for their good work during the campaign against Zhang Jue.

-In the Autumn, in the seventh month, there was a plague of locusts in the Three Adjuncts.

-Zhao Zhong and Zhang Rang sent in memorials saying that Huangfu Song had been fighting one battle after another, had gained no success, and was wasting resources.

-Huangfu Song was recalled, his seal and tassel as General of Chariots and Cavalry on the Left were taken away from him, and the value of his fief was reduced by six thousand households.

-In the Eight month the Minister of Works Zhang Wen was made General of Chariots and Cavalry, with Yuan Pang, the Bearer of the Gilded Mace, as his assistant, and was sent against Beigong Boyu. The General of the Gentlemen of the Household of the East Dong Zhuo was made General Who Routs the Caitiffs and was ordered, with Zhou Shen the General Who Terrifies Criminals, to act under Zhang Wen's command. Sun Jian was also given a position on Zhang Wen's staff as an Adviser to the Army.

-In the ninth month, the Yang Ci, the Specially Advance Marquis became Minister of Works. In the winter, in the tenth month on November 4th, Yang Ci died. He held the marquisate of Linjin, and his posthumous title was Brilliant Cultivation.

-The Imperial Household Grandee Xu Xiang paid cash to became Minister of Works and was enfeoffed. Xu Xiang, from Runan, was a son of Xu Xun and an associate of the eunuchs who became a Palace Attendant.

-The Grandee Remonstrant and Consultant Liu Tao sent in a memorial to say:

"A little while ago the empire suffered the disorders of Zhang Jue, and more recently we have the rebellion of Bian Zhang on our hands. The rebel Qiang on our west have already invaded Hedong, and I am afraid they may grow so strong they can even attack the capital itself. Our own people are always prepared to flee before them, and they have no plan to stand and fight. The rebels in the west are advancing steadily, and Zhang Wen, the General of Chariots and Cavalry, is isolated and in considerable danger. If he should be defeated, there would be no way to rescue him."

"I realize that I may be speaking too much on this, and so cause you displeasure, but I feel I must give you my opinion. When the state is at peace, a minister may enjoy the good fortune, but when the state is coming into danger he should also be prepared to sacrifice himself. I respectfully resubmit these eight immediate and urgent points."

-In the rest of the document, he set out the general argument that the troubles of the empire all came from the eunuchs.

-The eunuchs spoke against Liu Tao:

"When the Zhang Jue business arose, imperial edicts displayed your majesty and grace, and since that time all the rebels have repented. Now the world is at peace, and yet Liu Tao casts a slur upon your sage like government and he takes it upon himself to speak heresy and evil. There have been no reports from the provinces or commanderies, so where does Liu Tao get his information from? He is probably in league with the rebels."

-Liu Tao was arrested and sent to the Northern Prison of the Yellow Gates, and was questioned every day with steadily increasing tortures. He said to the messengers:

"I regret that I cannot match the performances of Yi Yin of Shang nor Lu Shang of Zhou; it seems my lot resembles the three virtuous men of Yin."

"Now above the Emperor kills those ministers who give honest advice, and below he causes suffering and distress to the people. If this goes on much longer, it will be too late to repent."

He choked and died.

-Chen Dan, the former Minister over the Masses, was a loyal and upright man, but the eunuchs hated him and slandered him and he died in jail.

-Zhang Wen led more than a hundred thousand men, horse and foot gathered from several different commanderies, and set his camp at Meiyang. Bian Zhang and Han Sui also brought their troops to Meiyang. Zhang Wen fought with them, but he often failed to gain the advantage.

-In the eleventh month Dong Zhuo combined forces with Bao Hong of youfufeng and they attacked Bian Zhang and Han Sui together and completely defeated them. Bian Zhang and Han Sui fled to Yuzhong.

-Zhang Wen sent Zhou Shen to lead thirty thousand men in pursuit of the rebels. Sun Jian, Adviser to the Army, said to Zhou Shen:

"The enemy have no supplies of grain in the city and they will have to collect it from outside. Let me have ten thousand men and I can cut their supply routes. If you, my general, follow me with the main body of the army, the enemy will be reduced to distress and will not dare to fight. They will run away to the Qiang, and then we can combine our forces to attack them and all Liang province will be settled."

Zhou Shen would not agree, and he led his whole army to besiege Yuzhong city. Then Bian Zhang and Han Sui sent soldiers out to camp at Kuiyuan Gorge, and they were able to cut Zhou Shen's supply lines instead. Zhou Shen took fright, abandoned his baggage train, and fled.

-Zhang Wen also sent Dong Zhuo forward with thirty thousand men to attack the Xianlian Qiang, but the Qiang and some other barbarians from the north surrounded Dong Zhuo north of Wangyuang. His supplies were cut off and running short. There was a river crossing nearby, and there he built a dam as if he was going to use it to catch fish, but instead he quietly moved his army to the other side of the river. By the time the enemy came after them, the damned up stream was so deep that there was no way to cross. Then he made his way back to Youfufeng with his army intact.

-Later, Dong Zhuo claimed that he had urged Zhou Shen to act as a spearhead while he himself waited in reserve, but that Zhou Shen refused to co-operate and so both forces got into difficulties.

-In this year the Emperor built the Hall of Ten Thousand Gold Pieces in the Western Garden.

#Three Kingdoms

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