diariesofabuggygirl - Tumblr blog

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Hello Again. Long time no see.

You haven't heard from me for a while. I was doing really well. Between the strain on my parents and I's relationship, and the improvement in my health I moved out.

It was great. I was so hopeful, and mostly able to care for myself.

The brand new apartment building hadn't been built correctly. I got hit by mold bad. I've been out of it for almost six months. I'm really sick again. It's better than it was, but, it's a nightmare.

I had finally started getting a lot of the positive effects from my neuro surgeries. That, figuring out my trauma, and medical cannabis changed my life.

Now I'm mostly bedridden again. My cannabis isn't as effective. My tolerance is crazy. And tolerance breaks aren't well tolerated, and don't help much. I am so tired of being uncomfortable, in pain, fatigued, and anxious.

I'm so devastated. Assisted suicide is feeling like an option again, though I plan on giving myself time first. I hate it. I hate I need this outlet again. I hate I'm back here in this place.

I cant stop thinking about what my life will look like when my parents are gone. Our relationship is much improved, thank god. But theyr'e at the point in life that kids are supposed to start taking care of them. And here I am still unable to care for myself, and they are having to burn themselves out for me.

They've worked on nothing but me and my health for 16 years this month.

I have one good friend. My relationship with my sibling is much improved. But I am so lonely. I want a partner so badly. And I don't even feel well enough to spend much time with the people i do have. When my parents pass, which I hope is far from now, my life will be so empty.

I am terrified. I don't know what else to say.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Update: After 14 years of being mostly bedridden, I’ve improved enough to move out of my parents house :)

[diariesofabuggygirl]

I hope you have better things in your life and that you can recover from the hurt they've done to you, you didn't deserve it and deserve better now

Hello! I just saw this for some reason. This means the world to me. I'm doing much better now, and I really appreciate your kindness. Thank you.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Every few years I realize another person disappeared when I got sick.

My best friends who were sisters.

Their mom who I got Mother’s Day gifts for.

The family of the little boy with Down syndrome I hung out with.

Family members.

Friends.

I will never understand doing that to a little girl. I may not have gotten up to much these past fourteen years, but rest assured. You missed out. Because you missed out on me.

That little girl deserved better. This woman knows that.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

To the girl in the blue dress.

This was my friend’s sixteenth birthday party. I was fifteen. I spent the whole party worried about how fat I looked. I wouldn’t do the trust falls because I didn’t think they could hold me.

I’m sorry I told you all those things about yourself.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/travel/2021/06/07/wheelchair-scooter-damage-airplane-flights/

[diariesofabuggygirl]

"yeah don't worry tho I'm doing fine"

[diariesofabuggygirl]

After awhile of my infections being pretty well controlled on my rifampin I’ve gotten new Bartonells stripes this week. Consult with my doctor today. This shit really doesn’t want to just leave me alone does it?

[diariesofabuggygirl]

OK GUYS THIS IS A FUCKING PSA

if you google search ‘spooky scary skeletons’ do NOT click on this

its a fucking screamer, ok

at about 10 seconds in it comes up with fucking jeff the killers face and a loud screaming

i can promise its fucking loud

just pls

dont go on it

[diariesofabuggygirl]

While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Not diagnosing a child doesn't mean they won't notice they're different. It just means that instead of thinking "I'm struggling because I have autism/adhd/anxiety/depression/schizophrenia", they will just conclude that they are struggling because they are stupid, weak, annoying, unlovable, etc.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Tonight I’m having the worst pelvic spasms of my LIFE. Now that they are calming down, when I walk around it feels like I’ve proplapsed again.

I don’t think I actually have but these spasms are nuts and they are sending my body, as opposed to my mind, into a panic attack. I’ve been shaking and nauseous.

It all started in my vagina and then spread higher up where period cramps are. I’m spotting just the tiniest bit but I don’t think that’s what’s going on.

Earlier today I tried stretching out my pelvis and this week I’ve been working on relaxing my pelvic floor. I’m not sure if maybe I did this to myself. But damn does it hurt!

I had my second spinal cord deterring at the end of February. A few symptoms have returned after they improved for a while and I’m hoping I haven’t retethered.

[diariesofabuggygirl]

I am so damn TIRED of explaining my disabilities and limitations just for them to be ignored time and time again.

When I’m finally in a place mentally and physically to be able to say “I’m going to sit outside while you talk about this.” while I’m very obviously anxious and you CONTINUE TALKING TO ME you’re knowingly and willingly causing an anxiety attack.

When I have explained to you time and time again that I can’t pick up stuff off the ground without being dizzy and out of breath for fifteen minutes and you continue to ask me to pick things up, you’re being a jackass. 

It’s that simple.

When something is a million times easier for you to do, quit asking me to do it.

It’s been twelve fucking years. You’re not an idiot. This has been explained countless times. How am I supposed to interpret this any other way than you just not giving a shit?

[diariesofabuggygirl]

that didn’t go according to plan at all

[diariesofabuggygirl]

us government be like

[diariesofabuggygirl]

Ableds are like “I know you might die but there’s no need to be mean about it.”