diaryoverdose

[diaryoverdose]

My Loneliness system is way too sensitive. Goes on high alert after literally less that a day since hanging out with friends. Girl calm down

My mental health is not very robust to Loneliness.

[diaryoverdose]

My dad drove half an hour to bring me packed lunches.

Inside: cut watermelon, cherries (only the best ones), gourmet pizza, sponge cake (from the bakery we only go to once a year), a fork and napkin

The sun was hot on my back as I sat outside my office munching on one of the lunches.

I texted him to let me know I was enjoying it.

He texted me to let me know he was eating the cupcake I gave him. (My aunt and I baked 15 cupcakes Saturday night. Neither my dad or I had had those cupcakes in about 7 years.)

Sometimes love is a surprise lunch packed by a busy dad for his daughter who leaves for college in a week.

[diaryoverdose]

Some times I say, "I miss you" when I really mean, "I'm lonely," and it hurts too much to think about why.

[diaryoverdose]

I have no past; my life is easier than my parents', easier than my parents' parents. Ain't that just the American Dream.

[diaryoverdose]

My heart feels so full right now! (Like that feeling when you eat a really big meal and feel all cozy and satisfied and a little sleepy, but like, emotionally)

If I were someone who cried happy tears, I might be bawling right now. I suppose today has been somewhat uneventful, but it has been so calm and full of love. I dressed up cute, and I answered the happy birthday texts and picked up the happy birthday calls, and I cooked a yummy dinner with my boyfriend, and my apartment mates made cupcakes. I got three cards from my three apartment-mates, and reading them I feel so loved. That's really the theme today, I think. So many people love me and know me, and life is good.

I think I'll really remember today. Although it hasn't been the exciting event that some people might imagine for an 18th birthday, this is the best, happiest day I've had in a long time, and I don't think I could think of a more perfect way to celebrate. (My eyes started watering for a second there - I almost became a happy crier!)

This was a great day, and I hope to have many more like it in the year to come.

[diaryoverdose]

The more I think about it, the more I feel confident and true in my queerness. And being around my uncle who has lived it all makes it feel more potential. Cuz, he's always been gay uncle to me, but now, being home for the first time as an emotional adult, I see more of myself in him than I ever expected. And, I don't know what I want, but I wish there was some way for me to communicate that to him, like "Hello, I knew you before, and I know you now, and this is me. You are my elder. Thank you"..

Idk, I'm still very much not *out* and very much still exploring/deciding who I am, but I wish there was a way for me to share that, just so that he knew. Idk. Queer visibility and community and love or something.

[diaryoverdose]

You gave me an ultimatum, to make a choice. I chose myself. And it hurt and it hurt and it hurt, but every day it hurts a little less. Every day I learn how to live again and how to love again, how to remember you without it bringing me to tears. Every day I choose myself, and I refuse to regret it for even a moment.

I hope you never doubt that I loved you with my entire heart. I hope you know that you really were my favorite person, my whole world. Even as I learn to let you go, I will always have the same heart as the girl who loved you, and I hope you still have the same heart that I loved.

[diaryoverdose]

a lot of people around me are out there doing big things achieving everything n im just here attending uni day to day like🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️

[diaryoverdose]

It's Thanksgiving morning. You called at 4am PST (6am central) and woke me up. I keep my ringer on for emergencies. I didn't pick up. I thought talking to you would make me cry. I got worried and texted you right after. You apologized for waking me up. You said you were safe. You left a message. It was 3 minutes long.

Against my better judgement, I listened to your message. Listening to you did make me cry. You apologized for being cold about our breakup. That's nice, I guess. You said that maybe we can get lunch or coffee when I'm home over winter break. You said you were glad I didn't pick up, so you could just leave a message instead of having a conversation.

I still love you. And I miss you every day. And it's 5:30am PST now, and I'm crying again. I want to scream and cry and hug my mom. She's asleep right now. I wish I was too.

How do you stop loving someone? How do you stop wanting to be with them every moment of every day? How do you stop missing the feeling of their arms around you? How does it stop hurting?

[diaryoverdose]

There isn't really a point in dragging this out, I guess. I think that we need to break up. Or, whatever you can call it when we're "dating" like this. I guess something like "we need to take a break," but also? You're my best friend, and I don't want to totally lose you.

Selfish, again. I know.

Why do you let me get away with it? You are so good and kind, and it feels like you would let me break your heart if I asked. And you would never hurt me. Why do you let me hurt you?

And, I think that's another reason we should break up. It feels like maybe I'm a scorpion, and I don't want to drown you in the river because of my bad choices. Or, I guess just choices. If I'm being honest with myself, I really do want to be free to get tipsy and make out with cute guys and snuggle under a blanket and fall asleep in someone's arms. And I know you would never hold me back, but I guess I need to cut the string so I don't pull you along with me.

I don't know. I guess I hope that one day we can be amazing friends and spend time together and laugh just the same. I really do love you, and I don't know if I'll ever not love you, ya know? I think I need something else right now, but I will always care for you, and I hope that you have the happiest life possible and that I could have the privilege of staying in it.

[diaryoverdose]

On a completely different note, maybe family can be you and your roomies being dorks while cooking golden curry in a too-warm apartment, filled with Halloween decorations and Christmas music.

[diaryoverdose]

I went out to make bad decisions, and boy did I.

And the worst part is I don't know if I really regret it?

Like, I regret hurting people, and I regret the consequences, but I don't really regret my a tions themselves?

And idk how I'm going to explain to my favorite person in the world that I, I guess, betrayed him? Imean, it didn't feel like that to me right now, but I have a feeling that's how it's going to sound to him. God, I'm so selfish.

I don't even have a good reason. Really, I think I was bored and lonely and craved the attention of someone wanting me. And the physical affection too, honestly. A lot of that. I missed feeling wanted. And now I fucked it up with both my boyfriend and this new guy (who, honestly, is just him in a different font). And I managed to hurt both of them. But damn, it sure is nice to kiss someone and snuggle under a blanket and hold them and be held. And a small part of me

God, how did I make this about me, again. I hate myself for doing that, but honestly, that is what I feel.

[diaryoverdose]

I wanted to keep talking to you today. Not that we were really talking about anything- just that I like to hear your voice and play with your mind. It's late now, and I probably should have been asleep earlier, and it's good that i hung up when I did, but part of me wishes I hadn't. Part of me wishes I'd just left the call on and on and on. Because when we're on the phone together, I have you, and you're mine, and it's real. Once we hang up, I'm just a teenager on their phone too late. I'm just laying in the dark on the guest bed, alone. And I miss you.

Anyway, I'm leaving in a bit over 48 hours, and then everything is gonna be totally different, and the distance will be even more real (for real, 3000 miles real). And maybe it won't actually be that different, but idk.. it feels like it will.

And I'm really not trying to worry about our future or anything because that won't do anything for anything, but also :/ kinda sad this summer is over. I still do love you so much, and this time together had been amazing.

----

P.s. a few quick thoughts to maybe ponder another time:

I kinda hope that I find someone right away and we start kinda dating, causing you and me to break up. That way I never have to be alone. That sounds super selfish, but to be clear, I wish the same for you, in this scenario. Also maybe something to unpack about why I want to be in a relationship but we don't have time for all of that now

I have gotten the feeling that we were going to break up a couple times, and I'm a little morbidly curious about how it's going to happen. Like, would I rather be breaker (more likely) or breakee (less work)

Like,, im not gonna just stay in a relationship because lazy, but also, it might be easier to be breakee? But also then I'd have no control over the situation, so I guess pros and cons.

Also kinda tempted to distance myself from the relationship and start moving on early so it doesn't hurt so much when we break up, but again.. kinda sus there. Self fulfilling prophecy or smthn...

Bruh this aspect of my life would be so much easier if we just went to school together. Not really lamenting that anymore, but still.. dang.

Something something "right person wrong time" or whatever.. but more just about situation than personal timing or anything. I'm actually super ready and open and available to have this relationship rn 🤷

[diaryoverdose]

I'm typing this while my boyfriend sleeps on the other end of the phone call.

I'm not 100% sure what I want to write about now, but I have a couple of things bouncing around in my brain. In no particular order:

I love my boyfriend a lot.

Related: the interaction "You are my moon." "Then I will love you as the moon loves the ocean tides and the star-filled sky." is still rattling around in my brain. No idea how I thought of that line.

I feel extremely unmotivated in every aspect of my life rn. Very path of least resistance vibes.

Related: Is it boredom, laziness, loneliness, depression, or *spins the wheel labelled Suboptimal Vibes.It has a lot of little slices that look extremely similar in color, and the text is very small on all but one, which says (in bold) "idk, summer?"*

I think I might be satisfied to just crochet a sweater forever. I really want to just sit and crochet a sweater.

Change is scary in concept, but also, I don't think this will be that big of a change. Paint on walls and moved furniture doesn't make a home not yours. Hm, actually, does it? Jury's still out.

Yeah, you know what? I don't really feel like writing a whole post about any of that, actually. Finna go to sleep :)

[diaryoverdose]

You know what? Sometimes it doesn't suck that bad. Sometimes you go skateboarding (but really mostly walking) with your friend and he holds your hands as you try to learn how to go off a curb. Sometimes it's the end of the year, and you spend 3 hours shout-singing karaoke songs with friends that mean more than you ever could have expected. Sometimes there's drive through fast food and energy drinks and jackbox.tv, and sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it's 3:53 am and you crawl into bed with a smile on your face. Sometimes you're a little sad that it's almost over (for now), and sometimes your glad about how much it meant. Happy freshman year :)

[diaryoverdose]

The date is June 3, 2021, and I think I have realized the thing I want to do for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a little extreme, but I think I know that I want to do keep doing linguistics, regardless of what else.

I just watched the last lecture of this intro to linguistics course and like... Yeah. I'm a bit sad that it's almost done, but also.. this subject is so amazing and interesting, and I really feel like it clicks for me. Like, as that lecture wrapped up and the professor talked about his journey with linguistics, that piece kindof just slid into place in my brain and i realized that this is the thing i want to do!

And like!! I'm so happy and excited because I've never really felt that before! Like, I've spent a lot of this school year entertaining vague interest but feeling aimless and apathetic, but like! This is so different!! And i feel so satisfied!

And I'm not sure what that exactly means for my degree or my career or anything, but this is the Thing I'm passionate about

I have so many feelings, but it's all good vibes.

[diaryoverdose]

Reflection on the boy with ginger hair

Huh. You are working now and about to move out with your girlfriend, apartment and all. You have a whole life. You don't really remember that summer camp. You don't really remember me.

Some party of me always thought we'd meet again, you know? Thought that we'd reconnect over snap one day and it would all fall back into place. But yeah, now i see that will never happen. All that drama and the scandals and the moments that I've carried with me for years, and you don't even remember... I guess, even looking back at our old texts, we weren't really on the same page back then either.

And, like, i have moved on and changed a bit since then too (and I have my own boyfriend and everything too! And i love him so much!), but i can't help but feel a little left behind taking to you now. We really don't have anything in common anymore, i guess. And i don't know why it's bugging me so much, but i can't stop feeling.. rejected? I don't know. I guess i always felt like that interaction was open, so maybe that's why it's so shocking to hear how's you moved on? Hm.

I guess this means we'll stop texting now. I should probably let go of this thread, let it fade away. Not everything has a satisfying ending, I suppose.