didiowen

[didiowen]

今夜，我特別想你 ◎余秀華

但是，夜色和大地都���此遼闊，而我 又習慣被許多事物牽絆。整個下午我在熬一服中藥 我偷偷把「當歸」摘出，扔掉 ——是遠方的我走過來，撞疼了我

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夜色裡總有讓我恐懼的聲音。而我心有明月 ——即便病入膏肓，我依然高掛明月 它讓我白，讓我有理由空蕩 讓我在這個地圖上找不到的村莊裡 奢侈地悲傷

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只是一想到你，我就小了，輕了 如一棵狗尾草懷抱永恆的陌生搖晃 我無法告訴你：我對這個世界的對抗和妥協裡 你都在 所以我還是無所適從 無法給這切膚之痛的心思一份交代

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只是一想到你，世界在明亮的光暈裡倒退 一些我們以為永恆的，包括時間 都不堪一擊 我哭。但是我信任這樣的短暫 因為你也在這樣的短暫裡 急匆匆地把你土地的一平方米 掏給我

[didiowen]

CAROL (2015) dir. Todd Haynes

[didiowen]

勇敢 ◎李豪

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀1 每一天的我們都很勇敢。

選擇剩三秒的綠燈時狂奔至對岸是一種勇敢； 選擇停下腳步忍耐九十秒的紅燈是另一種勇敢。

選擇在壅塞的車陣裡穿梭是一種勇敢； 選擇等待不知何時會來的公車是另一種勇敢。

選擇堅守嚴格的飲食戒律是一種勇敢； 選擇自甘肥胖的模樣是另一種勇敢。

選擇抵抗躺平堅毅地覺醒是一種勇敢； 選擇無視現實酣沉地作夢是另一種勇敢。

選擇一段平穩無奇的日子是一種勇敢； 選擇一種隨時崩潰的生活是另一種勇敢。

選擇向左走而非往右路是一種勇敢； 選擇向右走卻不是左路是另一種勇敢。

選擇苦盡甘來是一種勇敢； 選擇樂極生悲是另一種勇敢。

選擇砍掉重練是一種勇敢； 選擇放手一搏是另一種勇敢。

選擇鎖門待在一個人的世界是一種勇敢； 選擇開門走進另一個人的世界是另一種勇敢。

我們可以選擇勇敢，但選擇逃避也是另一種勇敢， 因此可以說我們的不勇敢仍然勇敢。

因為無論決定了一方，必會失去另一方的可能性，我們每一天都必須承擔著這樣的代價繼續往前進，即使有天懷疑起自己的懦弱，其實只是我們選擇了另一種勇敢的方式。

所以無論如何，每一天的我們都很勇敢，但也許我們也都是不得不勇敢的吧？

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可是每一天的我們仍然擁有缺乏勇敢的時刻。

就像親赴考場需要付出一點勇敢， 接受成績卻需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像從學校離開需要付出���點勇敢， 進入社會又需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像坦白自己的喜歡需要付出一點勇敢， 但兩個人在一起生活需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像寫下真實的想法需要付出一點勇敢， 而真的傳送出去卻需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像拿得起需要付出一點勇敢， 放得下卻需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像告別舊愛需要付出一點勇敢， 迎接新歡又需要付出更多的勇敢。

就像嘗試去做需要付出一點勇敢， 但是認清失敗需要付出更多的勇敢， 認清失敗後再嘗試去做又需要再更多一點的勇敢。

就像接受事實需要付出一點勇敢， 然後習慣事實就得需要付出更多勇敢。 改變習慣的事實又需要付出更多更多的勇敢， 再接受了這個改變的事實卻要再更多更多一點的勇敢。

有的時候以為自己就到此為止了， 其實只是我們還在練習需要付出更多一點的勇敢。 當我們覺得不勇敢時，都不該完全否決自己， 那不是不，而是不夠。 所以無論如何都請記得，還能做選擇的我們， 真的真的都是一個勇敢的人。

因為我們光是在這個世界上活著， 就已經是一件很勇敢、很勇敢的事了。

[didiowen]

我喜歡過連你自己都不喜歡的你 ◎潘柏霖

有些話你要記得 就算現在 我每一句話 都會吃掉一點點你的心 ​ 我喜歡你 就算你不喜歡自己 你要知道有人很在乎你 在乎到需要 把心臟挖出來 才能休息 ​ 我曾經好想要變成你 真的，好想好想 想知道你的心情 想知道你喜歡我 我喜歡你 我們能不能一起 一直在這裡看電視 不會分離 ​ 想找到你難過的時候 可以讓你開心的咒語 沒有人能夠完全 感受別人的痛苦 但我想陪你 想和你一起找到鑰匙 打開那道門 讓你離開自己的地獄 ​ 總有一把鑰匙 能重新打開你的世界吧 趕走那些曾經你很愛很愛 但已經過期的房客 騰出一些空間 讓更多人進去 ​ 就忘記我吧 我的軀殼已經長蟲 再也無法好好抱你 就讓我走吧 切開我，流出的所有蜂蜜 放把火全都燒光吧 ​ 從今以後你要比我 還更喜歡你

[didiowen]

世界末日了我想給你抱抱 ◎潘柏霖

就算鞋底 走著走著就磨穿了 路還是得走 日子還是得繼續過 成堆的帳單得繳 要餵貓 如果衣服破掉 要用線縫好

屋子髒了 還是得打掃 口渴時要找飲水機 全球暖化 也還是會繼續 讓更多的北極熊 無家可居 讓你在夏天仍然非常 想開冷氣

日子也還是 會繼續 難過下去

啊，對了 就算很難過 也還是要擁抱 有喜歡的人 還是要早早 讓他知道 也許他可能 明天就會死掉

雖然被沒有心的怪物 咬了一口 還是要記得 不要變成牠們 就算很痛苦 也不要忘記 愛這件事 非常重要

[didiowen]

緩緩 ◎古乃方

我們在床上各據一方，安盯著筆電，跑著他的工程師模擬，我看劇。裸身已無所謂驚奇和勾引，而我們今年四月才新婚。

安盼娃。我說緩緩。安屬兔，明年兔年，他說即使明年生娃，也跟他差三輪。孩子大學畢業典禮時，他已經踏入棺材一半。我說現代人很長壽，大不了去凍卵。而且還沒把自己照顧好，要怎麼照顧新的生命？他問那要等到什麼時候？

緩緩。我看著電視螢幕說。

緩到安先驗出了兩條線，而我把他關在房間。戴上N95，拿出一套餐具，杯碗筷都貼上他的名，放在他的門口。確認安可以自己叫Uber後，收拾行李，我準備跟閨蜜辰當背包客。

出門的理由是閨蜜失戀，要好好陪伴。安沒意見，說這樣也好，他可以在屋子裡自在移動，不怕傳染給我。

「你媽打電話來，別說我出門。」關門前我說。

「知道。」他沙啞的聲音從門裡透出來，摻著咳。說了會觀感不好。

婚後不生娃，老公確診自己跑出去玩。我試著罵自己。有罪惡感嗎？沒感覺。久違的透氣，上回能像單身女子出遊，是去台東參加文學營。

文學營認識閨蜜辰。她隨身帶著七彩礦石和線香，還有精緻的古董鐵盒把香收好，開香時，金屬卡榫會發出喀擦聲，像是咕咕鐘要跳出小鳥報時，帶著古老的機械感。寫作時，她面著太平洋，在地上披著一條米色土耳其毯，擺好香座和水晶，點起聖木一角，才開始寫字。她披著無國界的氣息，彷彿世界精華都已汲取，可以挑取草莓蛋糕上的鮮花水果，肥奶油通通丟掉。

夜晚，那麼巧，我倆被安排在同一間房。我們在榻榻米上跪著鋪被，辰說她剛從澳洲回來，結束了在科技公司當產品經理的工作，回台灣透透氣。她背包裡抖出來的衣服極美，親海貼膚的美。棉，亞麻，絲；米白，純黑，藍灰。現代剪裁，無論小開岔還是露背，都會露出身體，她的黑閃耀著光，像是夜晚的海。我偷偷看衣服上的標籤，在手機記錄下品牌名稱，想著之後要網路上買。我的硬殼行李箱拿出來的多是花布，壓褶，蕾絲，粉、杏、墨綠、深藍。

文學營洗澡的地方在室外，只有三間，當吃完冒著熱氣的假酸漿葉小米粽，大家在客廳聊天時，我先去盥洗。辰不慌不忙，說她最後就好。出門時，她走第一，幫大家開門，人群走過，謝謝聽到麻痺時，她才出門。洋派和貼心共存在她身上很難得。

洗完澡，我回房裡抹玫瑰油，那是我自己調配的身體油。原本交叉腳在椅子上，跟大家閒聊的辰，下了椅子，順著味道走到我身旁，說：「一直聞到你身上的玫瑰花香，原來是這瓶油。」「你也可以擦擦看。」我說。

我和辰交換氣味，分享彼此聽的音樂，我們像是兩首同樣bpm的音樂，拍子很容易對在一起。

文學營結束後，為了延長快樂，辰提議到晃晃書店住一晚。我們都睡在下舖，頭靠頭，她說前年這個時候，她在Fuji Rock聽Bob Dylan現場。真的假的啊，我高八度興奮。她哼歌，問我要不要買冰啤酒等等喝。辰的自由隨性，讓我記起一些讓我快樂的小東西，包括她自己。

再一次戴上耳機，聽Bob Dylan，是與她相會的路上。稻田在車窗上跑過，有了高鐵，到哪裡都是一瞬間。但真的是這樣嗎？小時候，覺得時間很慢，十歲的時候，覺得五年就是人生的一半。三十歲時，五年，不過是六分之一。時間的感覺，隨著年紀，漸快如失控的鐘擺。

一出左營高鐵站，人潮裡走出小麥色的辰。她穿著一身亞麻黑褲和背心，揹著高出她頭的後背包。背包客的打扮，跟我完全不同。我穿著粉紫色的花裙子，拖著硬殼行李箱，手肘勾著是刺繡托特包。

「你忘記我們到墾丁要騎機車吼？」她說。肚子咕嚕聲回應了她。她勾著我的手去買麵包，準備路上一起吃。我買了吳寶春的桂圓麵包，兩手都抓不住的大圓麵包，店員說不能切，我要提袋時，辰阻止了我。她說不環保，袋子夠放就好。我依著她。畢竟她剛結束了一段戀情，真心相待，換來許多不解和傷害。這場旅行的目的是療傷和陪伴。

桂圓麵包的包裝袋一撕開，我分她一半，她塞入後背包，拉鍊拉起。但塑膠不是綁帶，撕開即裸露，加上我的托特包沒有拉鍊，半截麵包暴露在空氣裡。轉運站上洗手間時，辰先去，她沒面紙，我去投幣式面紙機幫她買，她說我像是天使。但我也憋不住尿意，辰出來時，換我進去。我把托特包放在公廁地板，我蹲著，看著半截麵包裸露在空氣裡。一旁是垃圾桶，裡頭混雜著經血和屎尿。我壓下把麵包也丟進去的衝動。

閨蜜小旅行計畫是五天四夜，兩晚住在恆春郊區佳樂水，然後我們會從後壁湖搭船往蘭嶼，再住兩晚。

巴士上，她都在工作，忙著她當品牌小編的工作。而我也假裝有稿要趕，沒事忙好像就輸了。到恆春市區時，她揹著背包走在前方，我拉著行李箱，晃悠悠散步往租車行的方向。辰跟機車行老闆有說有笑，我到的時候，老闆說：「你媽媽來了喔。」「不是啦，我們是朋友。」她笑咪咪地說。「有媽媽味啦。」老闆看向我。我突然討厭起身上穿的花裙子，即便材質是絲穿起來很舒適。好像穿黑色背心，露肚子，才是年輕才是酷。

烈烈豔陽，手臂發燙，行李箱反光厲害，我載著辰往佳樂水的方向。風很大，安全帽下的長髮刺著辰，她在後座邊用手幫我綁馬尾，邊說著前男友只愛她的身體，還忘記他們是一對一的關係。馬路筆直，我催油門，加速下，她說的話我漸漸聽不到。但她也不在意有沒有回音。

到民宿時已經深夜，小黑狗在巷口裡對我們狂吠。遠處浪濤拍打，吠聲帶著回音，我抬頭，繁星點點。

進房後，行李箱攤平在椅子上，拿出盥洗用品，我先去洗澡。想洗掉汗水、灰塵還有夜晚騎車的緊張。熱水夠燙，蒸汽打開毛孔，開門時，房間已是線香裊裊。香架上躺著點燃一角的聖木，一旁是我送給她的玫瑰油。空氣中，聖木和玫瑰正在重疊，辰不知有沒有聞到？手機的光照亮側臉，她正在跟遠方好友傳送語音。我不知怎麼陪伴她，也說不出口，想要她的心更靠近我一點。

陽光一出我就醒，但辰起得更早，還把所有衣物都收得整整齊齊。我們換上泳衣，準備去衝浪。她的鵝黃連身泳衣，很襯小麥色皮膚。我問她，浪來了要不要憋氣？她說沒想過這個問題。

陽光把柏油路曬得火燙，我們頭頂著衝浪板前行。找了棵大樹，脫下鞋子，朝海奔跑。海是她失戀時的逃亡，但她不會知道，我的逃亡是她。

佳樂水的浪很猛很捲，我在板上匍匐前行。追了幾次浪，新手的我不小心被浪板打到頭。試著站起，但又因為浪太大而只能跪坐在地。而遠處，辰站在板上，乘風破浪。我坐在沙灘上看著她，膝蓋已流血，風裡帶著沙。想先走，但又找不到鞋。只好跑。柏油路近中午的熱度已發狂，跑到一半時赤腳已被燙傷，找了一片龜背芋的葉子墊在腳下。

咬牙跑回民宿。帶著衝浪腳繩上樓，我躺在床上喘氣，顧不得弄得都是沙。呼吸平穩後我盥洗，開門時辰已經回來。她拍拍我的床，說都是沙。她看著地上的腳繩，說民宿老闆很龜毛，進來時腳繩要洗好放樓下。很晚她才發現我的膝蓋在滲血。

她說她想要衝浪變厲害，變得很厲害。我說為什麼。她沒有回，只是不斷重複，我要變厲害變厲害。直到某著時間點，她說：「因為前男友衝浪很厲害，但都不帶上我。我要比他還厲害。」

夜晚，我撕開鋁箔袋，把快篩卡匣放在桌上。擤鼻子，採檢刷尖端深入鼻孔，旋轉，畫圓，重複。尖端插入試管底部轉動。液體滴入卡匣。沒幾分鐘，兩條線成形。

我呆坐床緣幾秒，想著要怎麼說。

「欸辰，我中了說。」我轉身。「真假。」她站起，戴上口罩。「那你把快篩收好，不要被老闆看到，不然會害他們生意不好。」她說。我沒有馬上照做，因為她這樣說讓我感到很無助。我去廁所，把門關緊，打了幾個噴嚏。「你打噴嚏對哪裡打？會不會噴到我牙刷？」辰的聲音從門外撲來。

「對馬桶。」但我其實是對著洗手槽，牙刷都在側旁。「那你明天蘭嶼要不要自己去？」我問。「怎麼可能啦。我跟你密切接觸，蘭嶼很多老人家，我去不就會害死他們。」她說。不斷重複。

辰關心著遠方的蘭嶼老人家，剛認識的民宿老闆心情，如我忽略著安，一心關心著她。

隔天，辰說有朋友要來恆春，她留下來。辰陪我等車的時候，我們仍隔著兩張椅子的社交距離。

回程的時間感覺比去程還久。當安開門時，我有種傷兵回家的心情。輕輕擁抱，他說夫妻倆都中這樣感情比較好。主臥放著爵士樂，我們舉起馬克杯，對飲清冠一號。好苦，但至少愛不再是遠方。安的頭抵著我的腿根，他的輕壓是種撒嬌。「你還想生娃嗎？」換我問他。「緩緩。」他貼心重複。

[didiowen]

配料 ◎鄭聿

那時點了紅茶去冰微糖，還在思考要不要加料的我，盯著飲料店的站櫃男孩，不自覺脫口而出：「再幫我加餛飩――不、不！是珍珠！」男孩靦腆笑了，仍保持著店員與客人的距離。

後來就刻意常去。我時而嬉鬧、時而正經，說要加一些不會出現在手搖的東西。點了哪種茶飲不重要，因為配料才是主角。

「這杯還要加貢丸。」他翻了白眼，替我換成芋圓。

「香菜。」「幹嘛加這個啦！」事後我才知道他不喜歡香菜。

某天我說加蟑螂，以為他會害怕，結果他回好，側著身貌似加進黑色的什麼。我不敢喝。他說是仙草啦。黑仙草在透明杯裡流動著，彷彿玻璃水族箱的魚群不停繞圈。在那個當下，想像跟回憶可以是同一件事。

第一次的餛飩是笑話，往後幾次加的都是情話。但情話不管加在哪裡，也只是配料而已。

兩年多後，分手的那天中午，他買了餛飩湯回來。不確定這碗湯是代表有始有終，還是這些日子的相處全像個笑話。餛飩吃起來沒什麼味道，湯意外清甜，可是他終究沒碰。

[didiowen]

我擁抱的人其實都看向他方 ◎李豪

為他撐傘 試著把世界容下 在大雨尚未將關係淋濕之前 先不急著回家

聽他說話 在太陽尚未升起之前 允許他心裡的黑暗 成為你眼底的喜歡

陪他走一段 只能到這了 不得不揮手道別的地方 他帶走你給的希望，你帶走絕望

兩個人才能取名為愛 而一個人就能決定離開

常常覺得自己是一片海 送愛人到更遠的岸

[didiowen]

[didiowen]

Graham Norton Show 2022 Xmas

這集實在太好笑，好喜歡英國人在那裡自嘲Harry Kane和鐵路罷工 XDDDD

[didiowen]

"Every time I think of you I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find Livin' a life that I can't leave behind"

2009年Frente跟Placebo一起來台灣參加「音樂航空站」的時候我開始聽New Order了嗎？好像快了，至少我記得隔年就開始聽Regret和True Faith。

忘記在哪裡看過Frente這個翻唱版本比New Order的原版還暢銷這個說法，過了13年才終於聽懂歌詞。

[didiowen]

Football's Coming Home

這是足球進入我人生裡的第24年，從Michael Owen在1998法國世界杯對阿根廷的進球開始（其實是Sherlock Holmes看太多變不管什麼比賽都支持英國）。那年我10歲，家裡只有聯合晚報和撥接上網沒有電視，偶爾有非看不可的比賽時要拜託媽媽帶我去旅館休息或是過夜。第一個加入的球迷群組是現在已經消失的奇摩家族，四年後才學會用PTT（可惡輸給高虹安）。我也開始努力學習英文、用撥接電話線下載每個Owen進球的highlight（直到他去了馬德里）、認識其他利物浦球員、學會唱You'll Never Walk Alone和Three Lions on a Shirt，當時年紀太小還不明白支持英格蘭跟支持利物浦其實很衝突。

2002世界盃除了英格蘭還多支持德國，因為利物浦陣中有個德國人last name拼起來像我喜歡的英國網球員Tim Henman。第一件買的球衣就是利物浦燙16號Hamann（哪一年真的超越我的記憶極限，怎麼在沒有信用卡的狀態下買到也不記得了），在家不小心被影印機勾破一個洞時我哭得唏哩花啦。那年球賽時差只有一小時不用熬夜，Focus百貨外面還有電視牆轉播不用去旅館。只是Owen的英格蘭在八強敗給巴西，Didi Hamann的德國也在決賽輸給巴西，所以我從來不當巴西球迷。

國中的時候英文程度可以在學校圖書館看懂英文報紙上的足球新聞，2003年巴斯克地區的Real Sociedad差一點力壓首都的皇家奪冠讓我印象深刻。在PTT上認識的德文系利迷使用水球遠距教我德文，當時曾經希望有天可以聽懂德甲官網的radio實況轉播，可惜從來沒能學到那裡。2005年伊斯坦堡奇蹟那夜我沒有去旅館過夜，倒是那年打進八強時在高中禮堂當著全校的面清唱了YNWA。

2006世界盃一直到考完指考才看了一場對我無關緊要的決賽，沒有考上第一志願但也沒有考得太差，也許是因為這樣才沒有辦法實現英國留學夢去Anfield看球（硬要牽拖）。2010年的世界盃一部分在匈牙利看的，曾經一個人跑去當地Irish pub看球，比賽內容不記得了只記得老闆問我要不要付錢時我一開始聽不懂，差點被當成來吃霸王餐的羞愧。西班牙拿到冠軍時Fernando Torres還在利物浦，隔年卻轉投死敵Chelsea，777。

剛開始看德甲時還沒有什麼固定支持的球隊，一直到2012年小火箭Marco Reus在門興（Borussia Mönchengladbach實在太長）崛起、之後回到故鄉Dortmund，恰好蜜蜂軍團的隊歌也是YNWA才開始支持（然後他們就再也沒拿過德甲冠軍）。2014年Reus在世界盃會外賽大殺四方卻在會內賽正式開始前受傷，只能在家看隊友拿到冠軍時拿出他的球衣，直到2022年小火箭都變成老火箭了，唯一一次參加的國際大賽2018世界盃卻在小組賽恥辱地敗給南韓出局。就連2015年特地去德國無聊的魯爾工業區買黃牛票進場看球，Reus都還是受傷沒有上場。雖然沒有特別愛Barcelona（畢竟他們把Suárez和Coutinho挖走）但也去過Nou Camp，不過那天Messi踢不到半小時就受傷下場了，無緣親眼見證球王到底多厲害（我是不是天生帶衰）。

高中跟小學生一起踢球上大學進系隊總是被男生撞得東倒西歪（像今年的卡達），腳踝也受了永遠不會好的傷只能放棄。兩年前搬進像樣的家終於有電視可以不用去酒吧看球賽，看英格蘭看到學會唱God Save the Queen才一年Queen就變成King。長大以後很難再像小時候那樣不顧一切穿越千山萬水也要喜愛什麼人事物，學習新語言新事物也變得困難許多，譬如14歲學德文發音很容易但是24歲西班牙文的打舌R練了十年還是不會，譬如13歲可以學看書自學html但31歲已經不想學R。因為傷心的記憶太多開始慢慢抽離看淡，不再瘋狂喜歡單一球員，也不再因為支持的球隊輸球哭泣，只有去年歐洲盃Christian Eriksen突然倒地被CPR時有哭一下（好啦我承認女王過世我哭很久）。2018年看法國拿冠軍看得開心，只因為當家前鋒Antoine Griezmann有個德國姓而且在Real Sociedad成名這種無聊的理由。現在誰拿冠軍都無所謂了，當中立球迷享受比賽一邊上PTT跟鄉民一起嘴砲就好。

（期末報告都快開天窗了為什麼還要在這裡寫廢文）

[didiowen]

A Belated Love Letter to Steven Gerrard, the Captain Fantastic

Anfield has always been a sea of red whenever Liverpool plays. Initially chasing a one-point gap between the Premier League leaders Manchester City, the Reds saw a disappointing 1-1 draw against Tottenham Hotspurs on May 8th, their title hope dampened with only three games remaining. It had taken three long, agonising decades for a historical club like Liverpool, which had won the 18 top-flight championships and crowned as the best in Europe six times, to claim another top-division glory, which was also their first Premier League title, in 2020. They came so close in the previous season, amassing a total of 97 points that would easily clinch the title in any other season had it not been Pep Guardiola’s invincible City that collected one point more. When the Reds finally won the league in 2020, their captain Jordon Henderson, who took over the armband after Steven Gerrard’s departure in 2015, paid tribute to his predecessor by saying that, “No one can replace Steven Gerrard at this club. I was devastated in 2014 that we couldn’t get over the line for him. This one is quite personal for me and to do it for him is quite big.”

Of all people, Gerrard should know the best how missing out on such a close margin felt like. That near miss in 2014 still haunted Gerrard as much as it had haunted Henderson, for it was he who made an irreparable slip that allowed fellow title-contenders Chelsea to extend their lead and cost their title dream in the end. Earlier that season when they had beaten tough opponents like Arsenal, Manchester United, and Manchester City in a stylish fashion, the trophy seemed just within reach.

“It was the toughest moment of my career by a mile,” says Gerrard. It feels strange to meet Gerrard in Birmingham but not in Liverpool, since he is now the manager of Aston Villa, leading them out of the relegation zone. He ordered a pint of Birmingham’s signature Bathams Bitter for me at the Villa Park hospitality, yet his figure is perfectly kept as if he could still step out onto the grass court and play.

“At the end of the game, I just wanted to be under the ground. When we left Anfield, I was in the back of the car. We were on the way home and the tears were rolling down my face. It was killing me. I had that feeling you get when you’ve lost a family member, that’s how bad it felt. The tears kept coming. I was 33 years old and I hadn’t cried for years.

“There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about what if that didn’t happen. Would things have turned out different? Maybe it might of, I don’t know.” Despite winning the Champions League, the UEFA Cup, three League Cups and two FA Cups for the Reds, the Premier League trophy was Gerrard and every Red’s ultimate dream and deepest regret. In 2014 they missed out on the title by two points, in 2009 by four, and in 2002, seven.

Yes, Gerrard had been around for that long. He had been with the club’s youth academy since the age of eight and made his senior debut in 1998 as a late substitute against Blackburn Rovers, the same year in which his fellow academy graduate Michael Owen established himself as an international superstar at the World Cup in France. In 1998 there were no wrinkles on Gerrard’s forehead, and he was outshone by Owen. In his 17-year-long allegiance to the club and especially those three second-best seasons, people remember the goals galore scored by the wunderkind Michael Owen, ‘El Niño’ Fernando Torres, the buck-teethed Luis Suárez, and perhaps their latest home-grown goal-scoring machine Raheem Sterling, but it was Gerrard who had telepathic connections to these strikers and wingers and struck incredibly precise long-ranged balls for them to put into the back of the net.

(I for one was a fan who hadn’t appreciated his presence enough; I’ve bought jerseys of Owen, Torres, Suárez, Coutinho ‘the Little Magician’, and even defensive midfielder Dietmar Hamann, whom I liked simply because his last name resembles Tim Henman, my all-time favourite sportsman on Earth and another tragic hero who had been carrying Great Britain’s hope of winning the first Wimbledon men’s singles title since 1936, only to be defeated by the subsequent champion in four semi-finals, but not Gerrard until the very end of his career – and it was even an away shirt!)

Sadly, those premium strikers and wingers eventually left Liverpool for more money or trophies elsewhere; Michael Owen left for Real Madrid in 2004, Fernando Torres for Chelsea in 2011, Luis Suárez and Philippe Coutinho for Barcelona (Suárez may be exempted because his wife’s family lived there) in 2014 and 2018 respectively, and Raheem Sterling for Manchester City in 2015 (this greedy kid was simply unforgivable). Some of them did enjoy the success they longed for, while others failed to get enough minutes on the pitch as they would have liked to. Loyalty has become a rare virtue in modern money-driven football and Gerrard was among one of those endangered one-club players like Francesco Totti and Paolo Maldini.

 “There’s so much money in football now, because of the television deals, and it seems to be getting worse,” Gerrard says, as hand raised pork pies and apple chutney were being brought to our table, epitomizing the Midlands’ native produce. “I think we’ll see players moving an awful lot more, because agents will always push for the next move. My own focus has always been football. It’s something my mum and dad handed down to me – the idea that you should just be the best you can be and everything else will take care of itself. You avoid becoming greedy. You concentrate on becoming a good footballer, rather than a personality or a brand.”

Rolling back the clock to December 11, 2021, the Kop welcomed their legendary ex-captain back five and a half years after his departure, this time as an opponent, giving him an emotional standing ovation before kick-off, although their reigning Egyptian King Mo Salah sealed the game off mercilessly with a converted spot kick. After the 1-0 defeat at Anfield, Owen, now a TV pundit, asked Gerrard in the post-match interview: “I must admit I hated going back to Anfield to play – what were your emotions?”

“If I played for Manchester United, I'd hate coming back here!” replied Gerrard with a wry smile, scorning his former best friend’s infamous transfer to their archrival.

Watching these two of my childhood heroes standing side by side in front of the camera again, it was as if they were their energising, captivating coming-of-age selves again in the treble-winning season of 2001. At that time, it was the young, lightning-quick Owen who tore apart defenses easily, who received the Premier League’s golden boot twice by the age of 19, who single-handedly turned against the tides against the mighty Arsenal in the FA Cup final, and who won the Ballon d’Or at 22, younger than either Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi, that made me a faithful Liverpool fan, an admiration shared by Man City’s key playmaker, Kevin De Bruyne (it was such a pity that Liverpool couldn’t afford to buy him). After securing a League Cup trophy against archrival Manchester United with both of their names on the scoresheet in 2003, Gerrard was named captain in the following season, but a trophyless 2003-2004 campaign saw transfer rumours speculating again whether the gems of Anfield would be lured elsewhere. Owen once said that it would be a catastrophe if Gerrard left Anfield, but he it was who eventually left for the Bernabéu in the summer of 2004.

“I just assumed we were going all the way to the top together,” Gerrard rues, “It was always me and him.”

“It’s the lure of going and winning, being what you’ve always wanted to be, growing up,” explained Owen, “If I say no, I’ll probably think what would that have been like for the rest of my life. I’ve just got to try it.” But his teammate Jamie Carragher disagreed. “I was in the room with Mike when he got the call, and my first words were, ‘I wouldn’t go.’ I was always a big-picture person, like, ‘How will people see you at the end?’ I can get it. You may want to play with the greatest players in the world, but it’ll create a divide that may not be able to be ever healed.

“Is it worth it for that?” Carragher asked.

Despite Owen’s wish for a return to Anfield after an unsuccessful spell in the Spanish capital, he joined Newcastle United on a four-year deal instead, and then went on to join United in 2009. “I have to be honest and say I was very surprised he chose to sign for Manchester United,” laments Gerrard. “Michael enjoyed legendary status at Liverpool but that has been diluted because of the move he made. Only Michael knows if he got that decision right.”

The dessert was poached pear with stilton and frosted pecans, another dish that celebrated the Midlands on a plate, and it tasted divine. After Owen’s departure, it was left to Gerrard to carry the entire city’s passion and expectations on his shoulders alone, maturing into an all-rounder who can tackle, pass, and, more importantly, score goals that mattered. “Liverpool captains always deliver. They have to,” says Gerrard. The following season saw Gerrard taking Liverpool to the summit of Europe, first by sending them into the round of 16 through a “stunning half-volley, speared majestically from the edge of the area,” according to The Guardian, the very goal that they needed to qualify.

“I'd be a liar if I didn't say I thought we were down and out at the break. They were spoiling the game and were strong defensively, so there was a mountain to climb at half-time,” Gerrard admits.

And then there came the ‘Miracle of Istanbul’, the night which Liverpool staged a remarkable comeback after being destroyed by an impeccable AC Milan side well before half time. “We’d punched way above our weight to get there, but we had 45 minutes to try and get some pride back. And I think the fans, at least, deserved that. So I felt that responsibility. It’s up to me,” recalls Gerrard.

When Gerrard’s header did pull one goal back, he did this urging hand gestures to his teammates and the travelling fans, begging them to believe that it was not just a consolation, and soon they scored two more within a six-minute stretch, defended heroically until the end of extra time, and finally got the better of Milan in the penalty shoot-out.

“We went as crazy as you would expect. We yelled and danced and ran around like idiots. I look back now in amazement. Was that really me? I celebrated like I deserved to celebrate. Correct me if I’m wrong, but have you ever seen a better Champions League final? Every single one of Milan’s players was either world class or very close to it. They were a better team than us, but we beat them.

“It was not just luck. The big moments in the second half went our way but, after we got back to the dressing room, I saw how much we had given. There were cuts everywhere, bruises, ice, bandages, sweat, dirt and plenty of tears. It looked like we had been to war,” Gerrard smiles. We finished the dessert with a shot of espresso and ordered another round of bitter.

But inside Gerrard’s born-and-bred red heart, there had been times of temptations. When big money was pumped into the business and Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich took over West London-based club Chelsea, buying whichever player he wanted at whatever price, to end the barren spell of first-division title at Liverpool became even more challenging. “My natural instinct is to always defend the club, but there was a part of me that knew that we weren’t good enough. How am I gonna win these Leagues and Champions Leagues?” Gerrard confesses. Moreover, Chelsea’s manager at that time, José Mourinho ‘The Special One’, had been showing great admiration to Gerrard and desperate to bring him in, whereas Stevie was feeling not appreciated enough by his Spanish manager Rafael Benítez. Six weeks after he had brought the fifth European Cup glory back to Merseyside, he submitted a transfer request that shocked the red half of city. The Kopites felt betrayed and burned the shirts bearing his name in front of TV cameras. “Whatever the reason … Chelsea? The bastard son of modern football. Why would a Huyton lad, Liverpool Football Club to the heart, want to go there?” asked Gareth Roberts, editor of The Anfield Wrap magazine.

“My dad asked me a simple question: ‘Would it mean more to you to win two or three trophies with Liverpool than double that number with Chelsea?’ I wasn’t thinking about Chelsea then. I was thinking only of Liverpool. Dad understood,” Gerrard recalls.

“He said to me, ‘You can’t change what you are, the way you’ve been brought up. You’re a Scouser. These fans adore you. You’re everything to them. You’re their hope and their dreams every single day. Liverpool’s in your heart. Forget what’s in your head. If Chelsea are in your head, that’s just a noise. Remember where you’re from. Remember who made you. Don’t walk away from the club that you love.’

“I think there’s a lot of people in the game that believe I made the wrong decision, but they don’t know my feelings. Nine times out of ten, maybe the right thing might have been to go. But I’m not one of the nine. I’m the one. And I never regretted staying at Liverpool my whole career in England.”

John Williams, a witness of the Hillsborough disaster who has been studying soccer as a sociologist for the past 30 years, concluded that “There are lots of ways in which people could say that Steven Gerrard’s career is not measured up to what a player of his talent ought to have had. I think he’d have to accept that. But the thing that he has, which very few players have, is the deep love and respect of people from the city in which he was born. He is an emotional person, like many people in the city feel themselves to be. So he’s part of that order which says, ‘How I feel is more important than what I win or what I can earn somewhere else’. And that’s a big message.”

Gerrard took a quick glimpse at his watch. It was about time to leave for the training ground. When he decided to bid farewell to his beloved city after giving everything he could and leave for America, the manager at that time, Brendon Rogers, described Gerrard as “a guy who is very much about looking after his people”.

“He’s had a number of opportunities to move to prestigious clubs but Liverpool is his home, he grew up around the corner, this is his place and these are the people he loves. What he’s given to this city, politicians haven’t given to this city. All the work he does for local hospitals and charities goes unheralded. He is a wonderful symbol for the people here and an incredible icon of the club. You see in Barcelona they have the quote ‘more than a club’. You look at Steven Gerrard and he is more than football,” said Rogers.

In the States Gerrard enjoyed a short period of Major League Soccer without the spotlight that he detested, being a ‘Z-lister’ that enabled him to relax with his family, but eventually he returned to Liverpool as coach of the youth academy in 2017. “I’ve had an incredible journey. I’ve had my time. But I still think I’ve got unfinished business, and I want to give back,” said Gerrard when he returned to Liverpool as coach of the youth academy, “I often say to myself, ‘Why do you want to go back into the pressure situation, and why do you want to go through all those emotions?’ But I don’t feel my journey is complete.”

One of the teenagers in the academy who idolised him as a boyhood hero, Trent Alexander-Arnold, was described by Gerrard as a ‘beauty’ and was “driven to fulfill that promise”, eventually emerging as one of the world’s finest full-back, playing an indispensable role in the Red’s Champions League and Premier League title-winning team with his precise assists and sensational free-kicks, carrying on Gerrard’s legacy to some extent.

After cutting his managerial teeth at Glasgow and winning the Scottish Premier League with the Rangers in 2020, Gerrard was appointed as successor to Dean Smith at the Villa Park amidst the turmoil left by Villa’s departed captain, Jack Grealish (and yes he went to Man City). Liverpool still have a glimpse of hope for an unprecedented achievement of a Quadruple season. Now that Aston Villa plays two decisive fixtures against Liverpool and City near the end of the title race, I believe many Liverpool fans, including Jamie Carragher and Michael Owen, are thinking about the same thing as I am: Stevie, we’re counting on you.

“We’ll see,” beams Gerrard.

[didiowen]

英文作文練習：The World of Yesterday

Inspired by A Souvenir of Japan

I’d hazard that Stefan Zweig could not have stopped thinking of the good old days of the belle epoque, as if the old Emperor Franz Joseph was still alive and Archduke Franz Ferdinand was never assassinated, for Europe at that time was booming with great artists and writers and cars and airplanes and, even if anti-semitism had already been simmering as best signified by the Dreyfus affair, peace and prosperity seemed immanent for all humankind. Besides, he was emerging as a promising rising star in the literary circle. He had befriended with prominent figures like Rainer Maria Rilke and Romain Rolland and then he himself became the most celebrated writer of contemporary literature. When he fled to Brazil under the Nazi persecution, I believe he must have acquainted the Portuguese word saudade, a bittersweet feeling of profound nostalgia and melancholy, longing for something that was gone forever. Since his beloved Europe was devoured by two unbearable wars and the people who spoke the same language as he did committed an unprecedented sin against his fellow Jews, he chose to end his life with barbiturate out of endless despair, though Europe and humanity proved to be more resilient than one could imagine.

[didiowen]

英文作文練習：Call Me By Your Name

Inspired by A Souvenir of Japan

It was somewhere in Northern Italy in 1983 when I sojourned an established scholar’ summer house. His son Elio, who kindly lent me his room, instantly caught my eyes as his wits was as precocious as an apricot and his physique as fragile as if a Hellenistic sculpture had just been brought up from underwater. He flirted with me by playing Bach’s capriccio on the guitar and then the piano as Liszt would’ve played it, only to change again as if Busoni had altered the previous version. Yet he blew hot and cold when he bounced away as if I had scorched him during a volleyball game, and I tangoed with some girl as he watched closely with jealousy. Desires were flowing secretly in a slow tempo until he finally mounted enough courage to confront me, ‘because I thought you should know’, which was and still is music to my ears. One night after reaching the climax of a symphony in bed, we called each other by our own names, which even after years of marriage I still repeat solemnly. Those memories of him have the sweetness of a ripe peach’s that I would certainly cherish for the rest of my life.

[didiowen]

英文作文練習：Portrait de la jeune fille en feu

Inspired by A Souvenir of Japan

‘Are you done?’ Héloïse asked. ‘How do you know you’re done?’ Marianne was busy adding the finishing touches to the portrait and did not reply at first although she felt a strange reluctance to wrap it up and, if she was determined to accomplish anything, it was only inspired by the beauty of Héloïse—or, perhaps, the idea of preserving her beauty, since this would be the only token of their brief, vivid encounter. In the beginning Marianne found Héloïse almost impossible to approach, for the young lady refused to reveal herself, be painted, and marry to some unknown nobleman. Yet as the figure on the canvas grew recognizable, the idea of Héloïse being possessed by someone else began to haunt Marianne. When Héloïse asked Marianne if she had ever experienced love, the painter felt like kissing the painted for the first time, although she did know that falling in love comes at a price of an inevitable vulnerability, even if this vulnerability is, in fact, the very essence of love. It is, presumably, a better thing to be tasted only once than never to be tasted at all.