dirtycombatboots

[dirtycombatboots]

after being busy with real life for so long I finally finished reverse AU! Jaskier, also known as Julian of Cat School

It was my first attempt at more realistic style, and it turned out better than I expected

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One of many things Jaskier didn't expect to learn about witchers during his first winter at Kaer Morhen is that they absolutely love "you're adopted" jokes. All of them are orphans, so they think they are being comedy geniuses. Of course they are including Jaskier in those jokes. Poor bard absolutely hates it

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Serious question. Do wolves occasionally get different treatment from Vesemir based on being older/younger?

Eskel, first child: you are the oldest, you are basically second parent, you babysit your brothers

Geralt, middle child: kinda invisible until he really fucks up. No extra job

Lambert, the youngest child: more scolding because he is a prick, but also less work and a bit more affection, gets away with things that would get Eskel and Geralt in trouble for days

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They say nobles taste better. Especially if marinated in red wine

Geralt once told Jaskier that sometimes witchers keep pets for the company on the path, but since they have to be practical, those pets can also be bait for monsters or an emergency food supply. Naturally, Geralt mostly means Eskel and Lil Bleater, since the goat can be used as milk source, or roasted (this isn't the first Lil Bleater, just like Roach is not the first Roach).

People sometimes call Jaskier Geralt's pet, Geralt usually doesn't say anything about it. Jaskier starts thinking that maybe Geralt does think about him as a pet. For company, obviously. Then there is a instance when Geralt asks Jaskier to help - which ends up with Jaskier being used as bait for the monster. Now Jaskier is absolutely sure that to Geralt he is a pet. Well, at least he won't be used as emergency food supply, witchers aren't cannibals.

Geralt brings Jaskier to Kaer Morhen

Geralt, trying to flirt: You thighs look rather delicious tonight

Jaskier, immediately jumping to conclusion that Geralt brought him here to make a bard kebab and share with fellow wolves: *running around the keep, screaming and begging every witcher not no eat him*

Vesemir, not wanting to know: Calm down, idiot. Go eat something, your brain obviously needs calories

Jaskier: ARE YOU FATTENING ME UP FOR SLAUGHTER?

Lambert, being a little shit: Judging by your reputation, won't even need to season you, you should be naturally spicy

Jaskier: *screeching*

Eskel, thoughtfully: I've read somewhere that the first part of the human body you should consume is liver

Everyone: What the fuck?

Eskel: It's relatively clean part, nutritious, soft, and a rather large organ

Jaskier: *desperately chugging vodka to ruin his liver*

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Top slav parents phrases that Vesemir definitely used on his little wolves

"Yeah, keep crying, you'll pee less"

"Sure, break it. Break everything. We're rich, will buy new stuff"

At whatever medical problem, even at stab wound: "That's because you went outside without a hat. I told you to wear a hat!"

"When you grow up, do whatever you want, and for the time being you do as I say"

"If you drown, don't come back home"

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Back again, reverse AU

One of the first things Julian noticed about his new bard friend is single white streak in Geralt's bright ginger hair. It's basically the most eye-catching thing, impossible to miss. Julian doesn't want to ask in case this young human may find it too personal. They literally just met yesterday, they aren't close enough for that kind of questions, besides Geralt seems to be a private person.

Just because he won't ask, doesn't mean Julian won't make theories. After all, he needs entertainment, so why not this. First theory is that Geralt is one of those unlucky guys who start going gray very early (pretty sure Geralt said something about how his younger brother is already balding at 21, isn't that the same thing? Who knows, definitely not Julian). Second theory is that the bard was born with that thing that makes them partly colorless. What did mages called it? Julian can't remember, he wasn't paying attention (Yennefer's voice screaming: vitiligo, you idiot). Third theory is fashion, though its a wierd choice, but bards are wierd in general. Julian's favorite theory is that Geralt is a cursed silver-haired princess, hidden under a glamour of unsuccessful grumpy bard, waiting for true love kiss to lift the curse, get married, have twelve children and a dog. That one is crazy, but Julian is a cat, he can be as crazy as he wants. Mental image of Geralt transforming into a princess is so funny that Julian keeps randomly laughing for three days.

At some point comes the day when Julian sees Geralt's arms for the first time. Or, rather, his naked arms. Geralt has identical scars just above his wrists. Very big scars, suspiciously handprint-shaped scars. This is so obviously a damage from magic. Julian can feel his blood boiling. Who the fuck did it and why? Scars look old, Geralt probably wasn't old enough to shave when it happened. Cat claimed this bard, Cat is protective and possessive, Cat wants to kill whoever hurt his bard. And just than it clicks. Magical injury, white streak. That is probably from the same incident.

Geralt refuses to tell what happened. Claims it was an accident and nothing to be concerned about. Julian swears that he will find out

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Vesemir: eggs for breakfast, pup

Geralt, pulling a hair out from his teeth: already had some just a bit ago

Witchers eat eggs with the shell on, saves time, and strengthens their bones.

They also aren't fussy about what kinds of eggs they eat. Seagulls, ostrich, turkey, hummingbird, shark, platypus, etc

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Geralt once told Jaskier that sometimes witchers keep pets for the company on the path, but since they have to be practical, those pets can also be bait for monsters or an emergency food supply. Naturally, Geralt mostly means Eskel and Lil Bleater, since the goat can be used as milk source, or roasted (this isn't the first Lil Bleater, just like Roach is not the first Roach).

People sometimes call Jaskier Geralt's pet, Geralt usually doesn't say anything about it. Jaskier starts thinking that maybe Geralt does think about him as a pet. For company, obviously. Then there is a instance when Geralt asks Jaskier to help - which ends up with Jaskier being used as bait for the monster. Now Jaskier is absolutely sure that to Geralt he is a pet. Well, at least he won't be used as emergency food supply, witchers aren't cannibals.

Geralt brings Jaskier to Kaer Morhen

Geralt, trying to flirt: You thighs look rather delicious tonight

Jaskier, immediately jumping to conclusion that Geralt brought him here to make a bard kebab and share with fellow wolves: *running around the keep, screaming and begging every witcher not no eat him*

Vesemir, not wanting to know: Calm down, idiot. Go eat something, your brain obviously needs calories

Jaskier: ARE YOU FATTENING ME UP FOR SLAUGHTER?

Lambert, being a little shit: Judging by your reputation, won't even need to season you, you should be naturally spicy

Jaskier: *screeching*

Eskel, thoughtfully: I've read somewhere that the first part of the human body you should consume is liver

Everyone: What the fuck?

Eskel: It's relatively clean part, nutritious, soft, and a rather large organ

Jaskier: *desperately chugging vodka to ruin his liver*

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I will ruin this cute wholesome hc by telling you that in my language the same word is used for eggs and testicles

Witchers eat eggs with the shell on, saves time, and strengthens their bones.

They also aren't fussy about what kinds of eggs they eat. Seagulls, ostrich, turkey, hummingbird, shark, platypus, etc

[dirtycombatboots]

hello hello

about your post, heh:) https://www.tumblr.com/dirtycombatboots/785658967694114816/i-have-a-very-specific-craving-for-smut-fanfiction?source=share

I need to know what did you have in mind when you said "whatever they think is necessary to prevent accidental damage". For science purposes, of course.

Ohoho, there are many different ways. Axii, dimeritium handcuffs, choosing location without stuff to break, basically anything that absorbs magic or prevents from using it (since outbursts aren't conscious decision, half of that don't work anyway)

I hope your science project will be a success

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I have a very specific craving for smut fanfiction that, as far as I found, ao3 doesn't have anything even remotely close. So I'm gonna trow this idea out here and hope that someone will like it enough to make it real

Geraskier, but only from artistic point of view. Jaskier can spend hours fantasizing about Geralt, but he will never act upon it. Why? Because Geralt is his muse. Something otherworldly, better, poetic and untouchable. Getting actually physical with Geralt will completely ruin this feeling, its just unthinkable (for reference - the way Alexander Blok saw his wife, but without failed marriage and all negative things that happened between them).

Jaskier comes to Kaer Morhen. He finds out that all three wolves are involved with each other. Hell no, he doesn't want to participate. He wants to sit in the corner and observe silently, taking notes for future reference. Because he will write erotic poems based on Geralt/Eskel/Lambert. Jaskier is in luck, because witchers aren't exactly shy in their own home. They have only one rule - no fucking where Vesemir can see it. Jaskier seeing it? Who cares, keep going. Jaskier really likes being treated as invisible when wolves do that. Again, it's artistic admiration, being involved in any way (even by just acknowledging his presence) will ruin the feeling

Bonus details that aren't necessary but would be appreciated:

• Geralt is an absolute vanilla service boy because he is tired of brutal real world and wants to do something gentle and use his hands for pleasure instead of killing.

• Eskel loosing control of his magic during orgasm. Every. Single. Time. Therefore he lets Geralt and Lambert do whatever they think is necessary to prevent accidental damage

• Lambert being a total control freak about logistics of everything. He knows when something needs cleaning, he makes lube, he always knows who needs what and who can't do what at the moment. Basically a manager of the whole thing, and others know that he is right so they listen

• Vesemir extremely displeased with Jaskier because he thinks that bard's perspective is fucking wierd. He is trying to find a way to make Jaskier stop observing. There is definitely some level of distrust (papa Vesemir is just protective of his idiots)

• A scene where Lambert uses safe word because Eskel won't do it for some reason (even though he really should) and Geralt is too focused on what he is doing to notice. Meaning, someone have to stop this. Resulting in fluff and physical displays of affection

• VERY IMPORTANT BONUS SCENE

In the spring Yennefer giving Jaskier a review on his erotic poetry about witchers. She is the first to read it. In fact, as soon as sending a letter was possible, Jaskier sent her a copy.

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Me: I'm tired of only being able to draw anime, I wanna try something more realistic

Me, after wasting 3 hours on skin (it's not even finished): Does this qualify as masochism?

Anyway, in process of making reverse AU Jaskier aka Julian of Cat School

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Ciri casually acquiring an army of duck warriors ready to peck her enemies

Jaskier taking his Witchers to the local pond for a picnic:

Eskel: look! Duckies!

Lambert: I'm going to steal their wet bread, and eat it all in front of them!

Geralt: *cuddling a duckling but trying to hide it from jaskier because he doesn't need a song about how cute and soft he is"

Vesemir: *arguing with jaskier because he wants to eat one of the ducks, but the bard won't let him*

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Random thought: what if Geralt was a roach fish, and Roach was a human carrying him around? Move, human!

Intrusive thoughts five minutes later: Make an AU where everyone is some kind of fish or some other aquatic critter, and animals are just humans. Roach Geralt, roachling Ciri (also known as caviar of surprise), pike Yenn, betta Jaskier...

Ten minutes later: can't decide whether Vesemir should be a catfish or a lobster

Ten more minutes later: Eskel is probably one of those unfortunate fishes who bit a fishing hook, humans took him off by tearing his lip and dropped him back into water

Galaxy brain explosion moment: while translating the infamous "Lambert Lambert what a prick", Russian dub used popular insult "cock of walrus". It fits aquatic theme. Lambert, Lambert, cock of walrus, come back to Kaer Morhen aquarium

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Imagine Geralt, under Yennefer's window. Holding Jaskier above his head

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I 100% believe that Jaskier styles his chest hair. He's got special brush for it, separate set of ohair oils, even special scissors to trim it. He starts his day by making sure his chest hair are styled to be proudly displayed in a v-neck of his chemise.

Geralt being deeply disturbed by seeing a man brushing his tits. But also secretly jealous, because while having *some* body hair, it's a lot less than other witchers, because of double mutations. Growing up, Geralt had to deal with a lot of teasing about "smooth princess". He wants to have what his bard has, if only to shut Lambert up

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Julian the cat witcher, whenever human bard Geralt goes to take a leak

You are either going to the bathroom with me or going to the bathroom against me