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You ask how it’s possible, here’s my two cents: 

In the years I’ve been consistently underweight, I’ve never had a thigh gap, or visible chest bones, or even a flat stomach. I lost around 8 lbs in the last month. I weigh 88 lbs and don’t look like most people my height would at 88 lbs- I’ve done my research. 

It might have something to do with bone structure and genetics. I don’t have the answers or a message of hope and how you’re gonna get there eventually. 

This is a side blog I stopped using years ago, not because I got better but because I no longer felt comfortable with being part of an echo chamber that boldly proclaims we can all look like dainty skeletons if we try hard enough. 

It’s not true.

I don’t know how to get sharp cheek bones or bony hands but I know how to get hospitalized for heart failure. I know what to do to get diagnosed with anaemia, faint at school, and be malnourished to the point that the room sways and I can’t remain standing without leaning on something for support. Nobody notices when I lose weight. It’s like my body doesn’t obey the scale. I just look increasingly ill. 

You and I might finally get protruding bones one day, or we might die trying. Reaching below the 90 lbs mark made me understand that. 

It’s a fucking hoax- my original goal weight was 100 lbs. I thought at least my ribs would be visible by then. Obviously, that wasn’t the case- 12 lbs down since and you can only see the outline when I stretch. I know for a fact that, by the time my body vaguely resembles anything labelled “thinspo” I will not be able to walk, let alone have a social or professional life.

There’s no formula that reliably demonstrates a correlation between weight loss and body shape. I’m sorry. I wish someone had told me sooner, so I’m telling you now. 

Please take care of yourself. x 

So I have this Major problem right.

How is it that when i see girls that are round about my height and lets say that they could even weigh just a little more than me but i can clearly see their thigh gap, their flat stomachs, their outstanding collarbones and rib structure and then i look at myslef and think what the fuck are you doing wrong bruv?

Can someone please explain to me how is it possible that i weighed myslef today with the result of 47.8kg (105.3lbs) and have absolutely none of the listed features above. Yes I have a wide knowledge on how people are different and they’re body changes differently but knowing full well I should be at least a size smaller with the weight I have I’m actually starting to believe that I have A THICK BONE STRUCTURE hence why even though I lost weight it wasn’t obvious at all which was great when living at home with parents but not when you look at yourself and see no changes beginning to feel like a 🐷

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PSA

I rarely post personal stuff because I have long felt conflicted and guilty about “nourishing” or contributing to this virtual community. I preach against the romanticization of eating disorders, yet my blog is a collage of collarbones and ribs.

In the description of my blog there is a disclaimer, but I feel the responsibility to issue the following warning to whomever is reading this:

DO NOT WILLINGLY PLUNGE INTO THIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL. ANOREXIA IS A LIFE-THREATENING MENTAL ILLNESS.

I am not pro-ana. I am dying from this illness. 

Yesterday it struck me that my own blog indirectly promotes the very behaviours that triggered my eating disorder. I’m taking responsibility for my actions. I don’t want my disordered ideations to be exposed openly for impressionable teens -or anyone else, for that matter; eating disorders do not discriminate- to study and assimilate. 

I am password-protecting this blog on Friday. If any of my lovely followers want to be able to access it, please reply to this post or contact me directly.

To my mutuals and followers running similar weightloss-centered blogs: please know that I do not look down on you, or condemn your blogs. I care for you and have really appreciated your warmth and support throughout my journey. 

Love,

Ske

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Hellen van Meene

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ED moments

-waking up in the middle of the night and instead of going back to bed, tip-toeing your way to the bathroom to weigh yourself

-feeling dizzy and lightheaded all of the time

-your heart dropping to the pit of your stomach when someone calls you out on not eating

-having at least one bmi calculator tab open at all times in either your laptop or  phone, often both

-slowly becoming tired of your safe foods but not allowing yourself to eat anything else, which means your portions get even smaller

-your whole family commenting on your weight/eating patterns at every single meal time

-being so cold to the touch it startles others

-witnessing the muscles, stamina and strength you worked so hard for fade away bit by bit until you find yourself unable to complete your own workout routines

-throwing out your favorite clothes because they no longer fit

-bruising extremely easily and getting matching bruises on your knees whenever you lay on your side or press them together accidentally

-being paranoid when others ask to use your phone because a solid ninety percent of your browser history, photos and apps are incriminating evidence of your ED

-the sick euphoria when you notice bones in the mirror that weren’t visible through your skin before

-the first time someone says you look unhealthily thin

-‘just one pound/kilo more, then I’ll stop.’

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you're going to be sad if you're fat and sad if you're skinny but i'd like to cry in a pair of size 0 jeans

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Nobody.

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can i just say that it breaks my heart to see how many trans guys are struggling with eating disorders.

this goes out to all the trans guys who are uncomfortable with their body weight. who dont like their curves or their breasts and want to pass as a guy easier.  you are valid and cared about. 

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I wish I lived alone so I could destroy myself in peace