disordered-dude - Tumblr blog

[disordered-dude]

The problem with just saying those with day to day homicidal urges should "get help" is it assumes that mental health professional know how to treat these. Spoiler alert: they really don't. You have 2 possibilities if you bring up homicidal thoughts to a trusted professional.

1 (worst case scenario): they think you're a danger to society and you get locked up

2 (the more likely scenario): they shift nervously as you attempt to explain that such thoughts and urges are persistent but you have a ton of self control and are fairly certain you won't hurt anyone, however you're concerned about the thoughts (since obviously being homicidal and thinking murder seems fun is bad). They'll furiously write in their notes while eyeing you, trying to see if you're going to do something dangerous. To deescalate the situation, you've got to insist that you're not gonna do anything, and they'll conclude that you're really just dealing with intrusive thoughts. You can either disagree and risk reverting to scenario 1, or you can agree, in which case the tension built up in their body will release, and you'll get the usual spiel of "oh, well that's normal, and you definitely don't seem dangerous to me." And then you'll smile and nod, allowing the specialist to fully relax and return the smile while you sweat and think "frick I scared another one."

I really do wonder if homicidal urges are considered abnormal in psychological context. They can’t be that rare.

[disordered-dude]

How to Tell Your Friend That You Need a Break From Supporting Them

When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.  Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.  Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy - don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly: It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.  I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.  This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?

You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on. 

It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me. 

I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on? 

I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself.  I hope these suggestions are helpful - best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to. 

[disordered-dude]

Why you don't pass. Part I

Passing is difficult and we all know it. It’s even more difficult when you have no access to hormones and surgery. We do what we can: binding, packing, wearing clothes that hide the contours of our bodies and that’s all fine and good. But some of us still have a hard time passing. It may be the feminine proportions, your voice, or maybe you do pass but some idiot always gives you away when you’re hanging out with female friends by saying words like “ladies” (oh man that’s the fucking worst).

However, lets look into it more. There is a lot you can do about passing. Here I’m going to list a lot of common stupid traits that many transmen have. If this offends you, it isn’t my problem if you can’t take honesty. If it doesn’t apply to you, then why would you care?:

1) The fuck are you wearing?

There is no individually defined style that a man must conform to. There are many clothing styles and subcultures to choose from and none of them are unmanly. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that just because you’re a goth or a rocker that you’re “unmanly”. That’s stupid.

HOWEVER! You will look unmanly if you have no idea how to wear your clothes. For example, many people like to wear tank tops. Don’t. We can see your fuckin’ bitch tits. Unless you bind really well, do not wear a tank top. It sucks, it’s really painful, but you currently don’t have the proper endowments and there’s no reason to be in denial of that. Either bind really well or wear a t-shirt AND NOT A V-CUT unless you’re a small chested fellow.

A lot of dudes like to wear skinny jeans. This is not unmanly and is fine if you’re actually skinny. There would be nothing wrong if you were pudgy and in skinny jeans, but unfortunately it gives you away very fast. When you’re pudgy, there is more fat on your legs and thighs, and it shows the curvature more. So don’t do it until your fat has redistributed from T or you have other masculine factors to distract from it. If you can pull of skinny jeans, for God’s sake wear a packer! A lot of guys don’t pack, which is fine, but skinny jeans are meant to show your junk. If you’re able to wear skinny jeans, not show your junk, and actually not look like you’re in pain… you’re gonna have a hard time passing.

On the other end of this spectrum, there are guys who wear baggy clothing. This is great, too. Personally I prefer baggy to tight any day. However, this can ruin your passing experience as well. I’ve noticed smaller guys wear clothes that are too big, and bigger guys wear clothes that are too small. If you’re 5'1" and 100 pounds, you should not be wearing a giant shirt that drags down to your knees. You look like you’re drowning in that thing and it looks STUPID. If you’re 5'5" and 230 pounds, you should wear something baggy enough to hide your curvature (binding is tough when you’re chubby, I know). Don’t wear something that literally makes your boobs stretch out. While fat cis-men do have breasts, none of them have it so visibly large in comparison to their stomachs.

2) Nice buzzcut, butch!

Jeez, I wonder how many people are going to be chasing me out of my house with torches and pitchforks for this one. I think the title of this section actually explains itself. This is one of the things that actually pisses me off to no end.

DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR SO DAMN SHORT. You look like a LESBIAN. A lesbian is a GIRL. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL, YOU ARE A MAN.  Unfortunately, some of you are NOT blessed with the masculine face you think you have (some of you are, but clearly I am not talking to you). I’m sorry, dude, but when your hair is so damn short, everyone can see the feminine contours of your face. What’s worse is some of you who have this accursed haircut have extremely long eyelashes, which is a perfect red flag for someone to call you young lady.

If you are lucky enough to be able to pull off short hair and have a very masculine face, then congrats. However, most of you don’t. This does not mean you have to get long hair, but don’t get a buzzcut. You don’t look male, you look like a girl who’s trying so hard to not seem feminine. There are many short hairstyles that don’t have this effect. Examine your face and see what’s best for you.

Oh and speaking of hair… THAT FAUXHAWK MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. Actually, fauxhawks also make you look effeminate and not pass. How do I know? Some cis men are mistaken for girls from having that accursed hairstyle. It just generally speaking looks bad, however that part is just an opinion, no need to get your balls in a knot.

3) Lose the girly voice.

I don’t even know what to say about this one. It seriously brings my piss to a boil everytime I see a YouTube video that’s titled “I CAN’T PASS”. At first I often feel bad, and decide to watch it. Then it turns out it’s some idiot crying about how they don’t pass when they sound so girly that they make Chris Crocker look like Hulk Hogan. There is a way to sound FEMININE in your speech, but still sound like a male. Even when pre-T.

Again there is nothing wrong with being a man who’s effeminate, but saying “psh”, “like”, huffing and rolling your eyes whenever something discomforts you is NOT helping you pass. This can all be put aside as the standards for masculinity vary per person, I respect that. However, this is for people who want to pass as a man. You are still an individual and there is no pressure to be macho or anything, it may not be who you are. However, when you’re pre-T and sound feminine, people will figure you’re a female. You can’t expect them to think otherwise.

Just be wary that you already have a female body, therefore acting feminine will incline people to think you are female. Which you are not, as trans people actually have a male brain structure, no matter how masculine or feminine. Hormones will help you feel more comfortable with your expression but will not necessarily help you pass 100%. You don’t need to wait until you’re on testosterone to speak like you want to pass. In fact, most men on testosterone still speak from the nasal passage, and then they also wonder why they don’t pass. Remember, women typically speak from the nasal passage and speak very quickly. Men speak slowly and from the diaphragm.

While it is true cis men do speak from the nasal passage as well, they usually speak slowly. If they speak quickly, too, they pass because they’ve had testosterone in their system for most of their lives. In order for testosterone to take it’s full effect, you need to be on it for a long time. So if you’re only a year on it and want to keep your girly mannerisms, don’t expect to pass. The hormone hasn’t completely renovated you just yet.

[disordered-dude]

That trans feel when you can't work because you're too depressed during the school year and the promise of free time in the summer is the only thing keeping you from killing yourself but without a job you're not allowed to transition so your dysphoria only results in more depression and basically tldr I'm dying

[disordered-dude]

That adhd feel when you're all packed up and prepared to go study, you're pumped and ready to take on the challenge, then you sit down to do one (1) thing right before you leave and the mass amount of energy you had just completely disappears and you suddenly feel kinda sick and ready to curl up in a ball and die

[disordered-dude]

I wish I could be aware of when a specific song isn't stuck in my head without actually getting it stuck in my head

[disordered-dude]

so a duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand

[disordered-dude]

The scent of spearmint gum pierces my memory – Back to the days when I’d swipe a pack From your purse just to feel it pierce my tongue. Back to the days when you told me “Let’s go to Bubba's” when the fighting got rough. I’m only seven, but I know these moonlit roads aren’t The way to your father’s. The screaming In the car doesn’t stop even when the headlights From the opposite lane – no, now the same lane are So bright as if to drown our spiteful voices out. Maybe it’s hindsight bias, but I don’t think It was you to take your foot off the gas, Get out of the way just in time. But someone had to, and somehow the cars Didn’t crash: we drove home from where We’d eventually move to a place where You’d say you should have had an abortion when you had The chance in 1993. Where you went so far in several Fights, you lost count of all the pills you’d down With apple juice. You made me scream anything I could, Anything you’d believe so you’d throw it all back up. Though right now I swear you understand what you did. In this drive home, you’re still my mother somewhere, And you know the line you crossed. You gave me Sprite and lime popsicles when I was sick, You drove me an hour to and from school So I could finish out the year after we moved. That mother is somewhere inside you, you are not the one Who blames her child for her 10$ an hour at Walgreens, or the woman not caring how I eat For the night. You are not her, not yet. I haven’t had spearmint gum in years. Too sharp.

[disordered-dude]

so i really don’t understand why cis men think that telling you they’d fuck you is a huge compliment.

like really, they think saying they’d stick their dick in you is a huge confidence boost.

it’s really not, considering i’ve read about guys who’ve fucked park benches, a scooby doo doll with rabbit fur, bread dough with water as lube, a picnic table, bike tires — men will really stick their dicks in anything. knowing you’re on the same level as bread dough and water isn’t really important

[disordered-dude]

[disordered-dude]

Other people with adhd: racing thoughts! Multitasking! Gotta go fast! Gotta do everything!

Me: there’s honey in my mind making my thoughts slow and difficult, my mind is a black hole censoring my thoughts when I try to think, losing time, perpetually high, static Static STATIC

[disordered-dude]

My feet: we are freezing,, what is warmth,,, this is how we die

Me: *puts on socks and sticks feet under a blanket*

My feet: *still freezing but now they're sweaty too*

[disordered-dude]

Big mood!!

Time is truly an illusion.

Time blindness is The Worst.

[disordered-dude]

When the teacher assigns the work we didn't get to cover as homework because they talked about themselves instead of teaching

[disordered-dude]

I feel so disconnected from my breasts. They're large, sticking out, not meant to be there. It feels like if I gasp them and pull hard enough they should pop right off, but unfortunately it's not that easy. It's tempting to take a knife and just slice them off. Would the medical costs of sewing me back up be cheaper or more expensive than the cost of top surgery? Is it worth having a flat (albeit mutilated) chest if it means not having to wait to transition?

[disordered-dude]

Going off of that, I think that seems pretty accurate for the most part, but it leaves out the brain fog that can come with type 1. I consider the thinking about 83 things more as a subset of type 2, since there's hyperactivity in the thoughts, it just presents itself internally rather than as external hyperactivity. In type 1 I feel it's closer to sitting in a room bored as fuck and unable to process anything. Like, they're staring at the ceiling counting the tiles, but the brain is so fuzzy and unfocused they keep losing can't or just staring blankly rather than thinking about anything. I once had a "scientist" tell me it was impossible to think about nothing, but I can say for sure from personal experience it is extremely possible to be completely blank minded. On my worst adhd days there is no thought, only a painful void

Other people with adhd: racing thoughts! Multitasking! Gotta go fast! Gotta do everything!

Me: there’s honey in my mind making my thoughts slow and difficult, my mind is a black hole censoring my thoughts when I try to think, losing time, perpetually high, static Static STATIC

[disordered-dude]

My dad took a DNA test and it was way past the expected time he was supposed to get it back so he called them like "???? What's up can I get my results???" and they basically said frick our bad and sent him a new kit so tl;dr he failed his DNA test

my DNA test results came back positive. i definitely have DNA.