dissimilar

[dissimilar]

this is dumb but sometimes I feel like...defective (?) bc of how infrequently I experience any kind of romantic attraction. I feel like most of the “““feelings””” I have for people are either just plain sexual or it’s like a jealousy thing where I want attention but I don’t want anything else. I’m not exactly complaining because let’s be honest not being constantly swept up in crushes gives me a lot of free time but I’m curious how my experiences of romantic attraction (or lack thereof) stack up to others’.

[dissimilar]

Still dreaming about the pumpkin risotto from last night #whatveganseat (at Legume Kitchen & Bar)

[dissimilar]

arguably my most important pair of socks

[dissimilar]

It's been a while (2 weeks) since I've posted a pic of my dog and I think that's a bit excessive

[dissimilar]

Feeling very grateful to have access to this today

[dissimilar]

I dressed up as onyx for halloween (no I didn't but it works)

[dissimilar]

so I’m already feeling horribly depressed and worthless and I’m still five days away from my birthday, a day (several days) during which I have historically become horribly sad and depressed

looking forward to a fun week!!!!

[dissimilar]

#NoDAPL

[dissimilar]

onyx: throw me a bone me: ok here's 206

[dissimilar]

Damn we’re pretty

[dissimilar]

like....part of the reason I put off finding a therapist for so long was because I thought I could just take care of everything myself which made me #strong and #independent, but mostly it was because I didn’t think I deserved help and that I should spend my life having panic attacks and wanting to die and thinking everyone hates me and hurting myself. all because I deserve it! I deserve bad things and I have no right to try and make things different!

I know, rationally, that that’s stupid but it’s so hard to change that mindset and the longer I stay out of therapy, the worse I get and I’m afraid once I’ve been away long enough, I won’t ever have the will to go back and I don’t know what that means for me. so now I either spend my time (a) wanting to die or (b) worrying that whatever path I’m on will lead to me killing myself and if it’s even worth it to try and go another direction

[dissimilar]

So much about this day has been so! terrible!!! A few fun details:

I woke up feeling like I murdered someone and like I was about to be ostracized by everyone (thanks to a very vivid dream), then I tried to shake that feeling for the next 2 hours. I literally felt like I had just stabbed this girl repeatedly in the back and stomach. I could see it and it was awful

It took me 1.5 hours to drive 15 miles and the road I needed to take after I got off the highway was closed and my GPS kept rerouting me when it was already too late to do anything about it (e.g., telling me to turn left when I’m at the front of the center lane and clearly cannot do so) so I had a nice 20-minute panic attack complete with screaming at the top of my lungs until I felt physically ill

Because my commute took so much longer than my GPS originally predicted, I didn’t get to work until it was too late to take advantage of the the ‘early bird’ parking specials so I had to pay more money to park farther from my office

My birth control is covered by my insurance only if I get it through mail order so I ordered it over a week ago and APPARENTLY it “departed” a shipping facility in Kentucky ALMOST SIX FUCKING DAYS AGO and that’s the last time it has been documented anywhere. Even the mail order company doesn’t know why it’s taking so long, nor do they have any way of expediting the process or estimating when it might get here! My other prescription (which I ordered later) has already arrived but the birth control is the one I need incredibly fucking soon otherwise I am literally going to be bleeding out of my goddamn vagina for three weeks straight and I will be angry and hormonal nonstop because that’s what happened the one time I missed ONE dose I can only IMAGINE what happens when you miss a whole week because your insurance and the company responsible for shipping you your prescription are a bunch of fucking IDIOTS

I have felt so shitty and anxious and hopeless all day about everything except my outfit and my hair

I haven’t seen my therapist in two months and idk if I’m ever gonna see her again but boy it is really starting to catch up with me!! part of me wants to get help but the other part is like “you deserve to feel like you want to die all the time because you’re a bad person! don’t get help you don’t deserve it and also maybe you should kill yourself!!!!”

Anyway I’m going to go have a cigarette and hopefully give myself heart disease because I’m on birth control because I’m fucking mad and I’m supposed to go to sleep in like 3 minutes to stay on an 8-hour schedule and that’s not fucking happening so!!

[dissimilar]

I've had a fucking awful day literally starting since before I even woke up but at least my dress was cute

[dissimilar]

made some chili because it's fall b*tch!! #whatveganseat

[dissimilar]

#whatvegansputontheirwaterbottles #AllHailVitalWheatGluten

[dissimilar]

I know I post too many food pics but LOOK at this it's a #vegan CHEESECAKE with BROWNIE CHUNKS on top and it's encased in a painted chocolate shell are you KIDDING ME (at DC VegFest)

[dissimilar]

"chicken" & waffles doughnut from Vegan Treats omg (at DC VegFest)