doingthisinsteadoftherapyiguess
Heres Some Trauma
There was a bunch of drama in my friend group for a few months. Ive made this account to talk about it without guilt. If you wanna hear some shit that’s kind of fucked up you’re welcome to read it.
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I never got covid from going out in public. I have gotten covid, 3 times, because people I love infected me by doing unsafe things. My mother went to church at like the height of the pandemic, when other people at church had it. My roommate was feeling terrible and insisted she had “food poisoning” which, news flash in case you haven’t heard, food poisoning symptoms don’t include cough and don’t last multiple days. My other roommate gave it to me this time, by sitting next to me on the couch while he had a really bad cough he was insisting was probably allergies and wouldn’t fucking listen to me when I said it was probably a contagious disease he got while out in public and not something he could control. I am in hell and it was paved by other people’s stupid intentions.
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I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job i hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job I
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I fucking hate Facebook I hate it I hate capitalism I don’t want to be here
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I just feel like I spend so much time putting everyone else first and I don’t know when I get to be first. I just want to be the priority.
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Today I had to message someone about a problem I’ve been having with their wording in regards to the two organizations we’re both a part of. She didn’t initially agree with me but we talked it out and came to a compromise. I am shaking. I was very scared. I’m still scared actually. Some of her behavior has been ... questionable. Some of the things she... tactfully avoided mentioning around me? are information that would have changed my decisions about things. I feel like she’s trying to manipulate me and I’m scared when there’s a disagreement that she, and a number of people in general, are going to blow up at me. I think this is a trauma response from last year. I don’t know if im overreacting or underreacting to her behavior. One of the people she is friends with is literally a sexual predator though and i dont know if its because she doesn’t know that about him because no one told her, if she doesn’t believe him, or doesn’t care.
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Being a leader means you have to take responsibility for the stupid shit your underlings do, and sometimes you have to defend the decisions you disagree with to present a United front to outsiders.
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Today I learned someone lied to me. There is a person… let’s call him an enemy of my friend. Who caused a lot of problems for a number of people and a club I am currently in. I was assured that “the people who caused problems are gone”. This man, who certainly caused problems, is not only still there, but a club officer. Fine. I suppose I should have asked for specifics. But honestly it really seems like they were trying to hide it from me. Discouraging me from going to events he was at. Not telling me about the club server. Etc. I don’t like being manipulated. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I feel kids stupid for falling for it. I’m sad.
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I’m scared that people only like me because I do things for them but actually mostly find me annoying to be around. I’m scared that everybody who loves me only loves me because I loved them first, and that I will always care about everyone else more than they care about me.
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Today I told a close friend some of what I went through last year, and there were a lot of “woah” and “wow”s and “I’m sorry that happened to you” and then there was a story she told me about how she had a falling out with some of her friends when she joined a frat that they didn’t get into and they were kind of mean to her about it. And like, her thing was difficult. It’s hard to lose friends. It’s hard when people ice you out or just aren’t supportive of you. But then she followed it with “so I had a difficult year too”. And I just. I just told you a story about how I was lied to, manipulated, traumatized to the point of losing parts of my memory because I was trying to help someone who told me they were in a crisis and in reality they just wanted to use their connection to me to get at and sexually abuse a member of my friend group. And both of these things were difficult. But hers didn’t seem as bad as mine to me and I’m wondering if maybe I should have included like, the times she overdosed on pills so she could fake a medical condition.
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I feel that I love more deeply than I am loved. I have grown accustomed to this. There have perhaps been 3 exceptions to this rule, in which I believe someone loved me equally to how much I love them. It’s okay mostly. I think loving is more important than being loved. That is not to say that I think I am unloved. I just feel that I give more than I receive.
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I don’t believe there are good and bad people. This is a belief I occasionally waiver on, but in the end I always come back to that conclusion. I don’t believe an individual person can have negative or positive moral value. Actions have moral value, but people do not. . . . There are times however when I also become unsure which actions are morally right. The line between good and bad becomes blurred. When I was in elementary school and a girl who used to be my friend started bullying me because her parents were getting divorced and she was in pain and I tried to go to the teachers for help and they told me I was snitching, the lines seemed blurred. When my brother’s girlfriend and her sister, who were both struggling with mental health issues, came to my church and kept coming after my brother and her broke up, and we’re making everyone miserable, the lines were blurred. When my friend with benefits started crossing my boundaries and relying solely on me for all of his emotional needs and physical desires, the lines were blurred. Right now the world is on fire in a million different ways and a lot of lines feel blurred. Covid. Global warming. Politics. Abortion. The lines are blurred. And I’ve realized that the lines are blurred because other people, are behaving in very damaging ways and I can’t stop them. Anything I try to do to mitigate it feels like it does nothing, and then sometimes those things sometimes impact those around me negatively. I want to help the environment, but sometimes that creates money problems, and my resources do not solely belong to me. I want to stop the spread of covid but sometimes that means telling people I care about that I am unwilling to hang out with them, and afterwords when the test comes back negative I wonder what was the point. I vote in an election, I pick the lesser of two evils, but the political parties, they are both evil power hungry machines. Everything feels wrong. I am helpless.
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I had an idea for a position in an organization I’m an officer of and I suggested it at a meeting and a bunch of people said “oh we need to have this written out in detail” and then I did it and three assholes who didn’t attend the fucking meeting went “why did you bother typing this out? Are you trying to change organization’s corpora? You can’t do that it’s a crime!” And Im annoyed because none of the people who wanted it written out made any fucking comments.
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I just think I’m going to always feel like I’m a little bit alone and I wish that wasn’t the case but I don’t know how to change it.
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I think I would really like to see a therapist and a psychiatrist… it’s just…
When I was being bullied in third through fifth grade I visited the school counselor. A lot. She wasn’t helpful and a few times she was actually a big part of the problem, she tried to encourage me to reconcile with the ex friend who was bullying me, and several times pulled said bully into her office where I was crying. I know she was trying to help but I don’t think that was the way to handle things. She also told her daughter who was in my grade that I was having problems and to try to be friends with me, which kind of scared me because the main problem I was having was people talking about me behind my back.
My mom became a therapist while I was in high school and would frequently tell me confidential things about her clients. I had signed a HIPPA form to work in her office a few times but I still don’t think it’s okay that she did this or that she still does because if I was her client I wouldn’t want me to know.
This makes it difficult for me to try to trust any mental health professional.
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I’ve had a few people over the course of my life say they would die for me. I don’t like it when people say that. I would never ask you to. If I love you then I do not want to see you die. But also, more than that I think, I don’t want to cause you pain. So I think I will do my best to outlive everyone I love who is currently alive. I will grow old and gray and I will hold many hands and witness many last breaths and attend many funerals. I will live until my grandchildren are old enough to be responsible for my funeral instead of my children. Not because I want to. It will hurt to see people I love leave this earth, I do not want to live without them. But I will try to anyway because I know that it would also hurt them to live without me and I would rather take that pain for myself then cause it for them. I think that’s what love is to me.
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