dont-hold-on - Tumblr blog

[dont-hold-on]

The texture of that night filled the room

As a velvet curtain pervading an open window.

[dont-hold-on]

Her body was still and her gaze was off to the side, pouring out somewhere toward the horizon. The sun was setting and though she was looking at it she was not seeing it. The words he had spoken and were still speaking had jolted her out of her reality and she was now watching herself from a third perspective as a woman standing there and over hearing this man talking at her. She thought what she would think of that then, as an outsider, or maybe even as a friend.

Was THIS the life she had chosen for herself. When did she overlook that he was actually this kind of person? How had she made promises to a man who not only said these things out loud to her but most likely thought far worse?

She held all these thoughts at once. And she felt she could not even dignify what he said to her with a response, she wanted only to walk away, without repercussion, with optimistically maybe a realization on his end. But she would have to respond. Her mind waivered between speaking a truth, sharing her emotion and anger with these words that felt like a transgression. Or to subtlety coax more from him, to urge him to reveal more of his true nature. She chose the later.

[dont-hold-on]

A Cruel Ruel

We do not know the true value

of a thing

until we have held it and lost it.

We do not understand the ugliness of a thing

or the beauty of the nothing

until we have had

noise to which compare silence.

A blank paper

can only be blank

if we have seen a painted canvas.

Maybe we were given this life,

so we could know "noise"

so we could yearn the peace we have come from

Maybe we were given this life,

so we could hold onto something beautiful

and see it's ugliness

so we could learn to let go.

Maybe it is in being given something

and then learning to let it go

that we learn surrender.

Simply

We can not have

without having not.

[dont-hold-on]

Maybe I’m searching through the past for something that is not there

Maybe I’m hoping for something that has not come into existence because if it had earlier I would not be without it now

Maybe I’m not lonely but maybe I’m aware I’m lost and scared to be led down the wrong path

Maybe I’m to afraid

Maybe I’m not afraid but being wise

Maybe I already know what to do but to weak to do it

Maybe I’m not weak but hopeful

Maybe, just maybe,

Tonight I can get some sleep.

[dont-hold-on]

You be my tree

I’ll be your bird-

Just promise not to cage me

And I promise not to cut you.

[dont-hold-on]

For the tough moments.

Freedom is in discipline, but freedom is also in trust and knowing of one's self.

At the start of this process I made the leap into the unknown because I had a deep know feel that I would be okay. As high as the highs that I experienced the lows at times felt even lower. I've learned 2 things. 1) Suffering is a part of life, I had tried to live my life as mostly a flat line to keep things predictable, and I suppose in a sense in my control, I did not want to give too much, I did not want to participate too much, I did not want to deviate. Deviation, terrified me. But I realized that is such a cowardly way to live and that I would die without a range of experiences, and most of all, I would die with regrets. So I deviated. I can do that now, because I know now that with the deviations I will be able to experience new heights, and with this I will experience new lows, very deep painful lows that I am SURE I cannot begin to fathom at this moment (just as hopefully I cannot fathom the high highs I will one day experience). But I will at least be aware now that the suffering is still to come and that it is a part of life and that I should expect it, and stare it right in the eye and go straight through it, painfully, uglyly. Here are some small things that might be able to help when that happens a) music b) cry whenever c) talk with family d) talk with friends, a lot e) go out and hang with people and be vulnerable f) learn a new skill, draw, sing, write, build something new (preferably with your hands) g) go out in nature, go be outside go on walks and let yourself experience awe h) work out, workout like your life depends on it, because it does, especially when you do not want to i) dance and let yourself smile j) dress well k) travel, don't question, just go. Trust me. l) movies, tv, shows, the action, the sad, the funny, you know the ones. m) be with animals or children if you can n) pray, go to babji house.

Okay now on to the second thing I learned during this time. Look yourself straight in the eye, I am going to say this and I really want you to hear this. Trust yourself and trust that the world will always catch you, always. The earth is hear for you, you just have to live, just wait, just live. When/if life knowns you down, stand back up, over and over (Life Itself). Know that with nothing, you still have everything, within you and in this world. You need for NOTHING, you want for NOTHING, and there are no attachments. Let go of everything in this moment and know that without it all. You. will. be. okay. Becausey ou have you, and you have a flame in that soul that will always keep you warm, no one can put that light out, not even yourself.

[dont-hold-on]

What is the point of good memories? They cause me pain to reflect on and cause me saddness to know that those moments are behind me.

I like to think back on the bad memories, when I reflect on them they make me feel strong because I survived and am grateful they are behind me.

[dont-hold-on]

A string of pearls.

I cannot stop thinking about the pearls when my life is so much string

If the Pearl that I see also the Pearl that you see?

It can’t be, because if it was then we would be holding on to each other. But I feel I am alone in my memories, in my remembrance of how great these memories were.

That has been my entire life. Good moments followed by sadness, by departure, by a goodbye, by a “thanks for the memories”

I am so tired of it, I am tired of replaying old scenes I and tired of living now and then, I’m tired of having to always let go. It makes me feel like I should never hold on…but I already know I can’t live like that because I refuse to live without hope

So I should then live to with hope that something will come, there will be some long extended moments of happiness maybe..maybe….maybe…

[dont-hold-on]

What if rejection isn’t real?

What if it’s a false narrative that we tell ourselves

What if it’s something we made up

When we killed off our imaginary friends

I remember when I didn’t see rejection

I remember when I could not hear it

I remember how I would run with my heart open and not afraid to fall because, well, then I’d just get back up

I remember it felt just like skiing down a double black Diamond at the age of 7 without any lessons

I remember it felt like I was part of the sun when the sun touched my face

I remember it feeling like constant love and security

But like some ghost stories you hear as a child, rejection was repeated over and over that soon I began to believe it just as much as the rest

The next time you feel it lurking near by..

Know the sun is still there

The mountain slopes still high

And they can be touched and seen-

-and these are the things

That are real

[dont-hold-on]

The young love

The young desires

Stirring my soul and I let it

Because this time I am not afraid to be turned over

For the worms and dirt beneath to be exposed

But I wait for it, without fear

Because then that too will be washed away and I will start again anew

Again.

[dont-hold-on]

My story is still coming into being, and I am still learning who I am. No story ever is at an end, when we hear a story about someone, always remember it is only a part of the journey and their telling of that story is a reflection of who they believe they are up to that point and what they have come to understand about life and how they fit in relation to the world around them-up to that point. So with that in mind, here is my story.

Last Valentine's Day I woke up in the arms of a handsome man who kissed me while he was half asleep and whom I hugged goodbye as I sneaked out of the bedroom and got ready to go to work. Only for a couple hours later to recieve a loving message from him to enjoy my day, that I was his one and only Valentine, and to be ready for a surprise he had planned for us later that night. I got home and wore a beautiful black dress as he patiently waited for me to get dressed he filled our water bottles and quietly packed an overnight bag. He had asked me to do the same and had asked me to go to work late the next day. The surprise was killing me, and I remember as we drove up in his Tesla into the city how I looked into his blue eyes and how he looked back into mine and how he would know just from the way that I looked at him to lean into me, to give me a kiss, to know that look in my eyes meant, I need you, and his lips would always respond with the "I'm here with you" kiss, we are in this together kind of kiss. And I am sure I did the same for him. He took me out to the symphomny that night by the conductor of harry potter and star wars and later that evening he took me to a beautiful hotel room and ordered us room service and I wore beautiful lingerie and we made deep passionate love, and we fell asleep in those clouded pillowed sheets. Our drive back home the next morning was only sweeter for it all.

The end?

Haha, it could be AN end, but this was not THE end. This Valentine's day I sit in my apartment with my family dog who I am babysitting while my family travels abroad, I dropped them off to the airport this morning (they headed to Boston first) and went to work and had important meetings as chief and sent out dozens of emails. I learned today that my best friends mother died and that she will always spend Valentines Day thinking of her mothers last moments. I came home and worked out and had dinner and danced in my kitchen to music with google, I walked my dog and talked to my friend. I am here. He is not.

I did not want him not here, I did not want this to unfold as it has, but I had the strength to end it. To give all of that up, because what you don't know about, is the day before valentine's day, when he became angry with me for having a galentine's day dinner with my mother and staying out until 8pm. And you don't know about the weekend after Valentine's day when he got upset with me and we argued for 3-4 hours because I stayed out at a coffee shop for too long on a Saturday morning and because I had picked up my dog to spend the weekend with us. And you don't know how when he was out on a work trip and out until 11pm and did not respond to me, that he called ME crazy for trying to contact him when he was obviously working.

The WHOLE story matters, our journey's matter, and only WE get to decide how they unfold. I will not settle and I will not accept what is less than what I know I deserve, not again. I will gladly dance in my kitchen, work out, and hang out with my family dog, without a him, than be with the wrong him.

I am proud of where I am today. The answer is often not clear in life, and the decision to leave him was not easy, because we had so many good moments, but only I know what the whole story is and only I know if I am being truthful with myself, and ultimately, you have to choose the kind of life you want, even if you are not choosing, that is a choice.

"Its better to be single than to wish you were single."

Wherever you are on your journey, own it, but just know, it's not the end.

[dont-hold-on]

These white walls layer

Me like a blanket

Wrapped in a mother’s hug

And the window-

The window is my soul and the

Air that I inhale

And my feet on the ground

The sounds of my breath

These are the things that ground me

These are the things that hold me

These are everything.

Love

Love

Love

[dont-hold-on]

Stilll waters are decievinf

To the creatures with legs made for swimming

The water they seek for refuge

Is the same

They find nourishment

And oredetairs bigger than they coud ever imagine

You and me were like still waters

Cool and calm on the top

With vile vicious things below

Stirred together we created a whirlpool so large

We consumed ourselves

Now desert rules

Where water failed

And hawks soar

Free from depths of duplicity-

[dont-hold-on]

Scattered winds fray the

Last leaves

Clinging on to a summer’s dream

In the night the wolf

Stalks the day creature

Searching in desperation for

An answer

When the sky’s darkness looks louder

Than the brightness of the stars

The wind will whisper

Tell tale fears into the heart of those

That wonder aimlessly

In the black

The light can still be found.

They must remember.

And wolves may stalk

But they may also teach

Remind those who are lost

That intuition

Runs deep.

[dont-hold-on]

By the oval faced coffee table

Lay broken glass shimmering in the lush carpet

Cigarettes put out on the lamp stand still sighing smoke and

The smell of garlic lingering in the air,

My glistening slanted world is so sweet

I will not move,

the glass must become cozy.

As I lay here near the oval face coffee table broken and shimmering in the carpet.

[dont-hold-on]

When I saw your lip curl up

And your fingers follow suit,

In that second (or half second)

You became someone I never knew, and my

Instinct yelled out to step back

But it was over in a flash and soon your arm was thrown over my back

And I thought maybe that didn’t happen

And if it did, maybe it was something I could mend.

Like golden honey, warm and thick, you said

“It is okay - we can fix this”

My heart blanched in terror a moment ago for a single beat

Now began to soar in bliss

“You only have to do, what I say…”

Thanks to you I had to learn it the hard way;

When they tell you to listen your gut-

Thanks to you, that lesson really stuck.

[dont-hold-on]

Cut through the skin from the back-

That was the first carving of our cadaver that we were asked to make

Tight leathery and cold.

This same sensation haunts me when I think of you.

I wonder

Why are we taught with such precision how to handle the dead with so much care

But no one teaches us how to handle love-

The messaging is the same “handle with care”

But the accuracy and attention to detail of the “how to” is lacking when it comes to the living.

It took me 9 months to realize the scalpel you had inserted through the skin of my back was not aimed to pull off just a little skin

But was going straight for my aorta

It took me another year of painful maneuvering

To help you with all of your wounds until I realized I myself was bleeding out and even then it took me 3 more months to pull out the scalpel

And now, I’m hoping the bleeding will stop eventually

That the scar will heal

But this wound is not like the ones we learned in medical school, this heart is not healing like the rest of the body

The time frames for wound healing do not apply here.

So what book should I turn to?

Which attending can I ask?

What colleague or medical journal can show me the survival curves of “heart break”

No one seems to know

So I’ll keep going

Helping to mend others

Hoping that my bleeding will slow

Before ischemia sets in.