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3 a.m. thoughts on Linguistic relativism and determinism and why the f* I'm scared of saying "Te amo".

Disclaimer:

I KNOW I'M RAMBLING on the most childish, cheesy thing in the most pretentious way possible. Sometimes, I need to braindump in order to sleep.

I was 18 the first time I heard about this. "The language you speak (and your culture) shapes the way you perspective." I bet some are thinking: "No shit, Sherlock!". But as a teenager discovering humanities, it was a mind-blowing hypothesis. We all agree that our sky is blue and oranges are... well... orange, right? Right?? But if there wasn't a word for "blue"? Or we use the same words for "yellow" and "orange". How would that affect our perception of reality?

Why am I thinking about this at 3 a.m.?

Well, in Spanish, we have two meanings for the verb "love": "Querer" and "amar".

"Amar" is considered a "stronger" feeling. You usually say "Te amo" to your significant other, parents, etc.

I've never been scared/embarrassed of saying Te amo to my best friend and previous partners. I say Te quiero to my close friends all the time.

I don't know why. I just can't say it,

It's not pride. I'm okay with saying "I love you" first (or at least I've been in the past).

It's not that I don't think he feels the same.

Maybe it's because he is older.

Maybe adults don't say it. They let their actions speak for them.

I don't know why. I just can't say it, but I need to say it.

Ten thousand "Te quiero" aren't equal to what I feel. It's been a while since it feels so tiny compared to what I feel for him.

Do english speakers have these childish problems? I mean, I know you guys can say "I love you" instead of just "I love you" to make an emphasis, but is it the same?

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What was I made for?

When did it end? All the enjoyment I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend It's not what he's made for What was I made for?

― Billie Eilish

This question has been in my head since I first listened to that song. Even before that... Ok, I'm a bachelor, I'm living abroad, I'm living with the kindest man I know. Then why do I feel so lost? Why do I still have no clue of what the f am I supposed to do? I'm already 24 and know nothing. I used to have things way more clearer than now.

It is just as Miss TS said: -

How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?

I feel lonely, sad and terrified of the fact that I'm wasting opportunities. It feels how Sylvia Plath describes in The Bell Jar:

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

― Sylvia Plath, La campana de cristal

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