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Teach me

I’m 20 years old and I graduated high school this is a story about when I was 19 during my senior year. I had a Environmental teacher that was just so hot like anytime I looked at her I just felt this sensation. She was only 40 with a body and face of a 20 year old, stuck in the late 90s and 2000s with her slim waist, body glitter, low rise jeans, tube top and tramp stamp of a little fairy. Idk how she got away with how she dressed? The staff must’ve like all of us liked what they saw. I remember one day in particular I had detention for always being late and failing my test once again. Now normally it’s just quiet and I’m glancing at her trying not to make eye contact but this time was different, she got up from her desk and sat right next to me asking what’s wrong, I open up and tell her I’ve been depressed because of my ex I can’t get over that did me wrong, she’s telling me I have so much potential, “your so sweet and good looking any girl would be lucky to have you, don’t go chasing second best cause she’s not even with you and still holding you back” No one has ever spoke to me like that and in that moment I wanted to lean in and kiss her but I stoped myself, I just froze, mentally and physically, I wanted to say and do so many things but what would she do, what would she say? For her identity to keep her safe we’ll just call her Mrs Robison, she took my phone and put her number in telling me I can come over wensdays and Thursdays to study after school. I come to her house and it’s beautiful, she hands me a drink and says this will be our little secret

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The Ugly friend continued

what's sad is that I don't think ill ever fully accept myself and love myself and what's even more sad is the fact that I'm definitely not the only one going through it. Its easy for someone whos always looked perfect to think and say your just being dramatic but its only because they just might not know what it feels like to receive so many negative, hurtful comments in the past about their natural looks and for that they're blessed because I wouldn't wish this self hate on anyone. No matter what anyone says in this world looks do matter and when you don't have it, it can make you go crazy and become your biggest critic. I hope anyone suffering from this mentality is able to love themselves one day, I'm not there yet but hopefully one day.

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The Ugly friend

Do you ever just feel like the ugly friend in your group. Like I hung around everyone and in every clique and group, I always low key felt like I was just not so attractive compared to them. Like gosh I kid you not I'd be around the nerds and stoners and kids with really bad acne and you would think reading this that they must've had it bad but no, I'm the one who was jealous of them because even with their Glasses, acne and bad hair, it didn't change them it only enhanced them and somehow made them look smarter, cooler and doper. Me on the other hand I cant see that good in school, I'm fucking up orders on foodline at McDonald's and I'm squinting all the time all because I refuse to wear my glasses. Some of you may be like then wear the damn glasses but then again you bitches saying that most likely don't look like a black Clark Kent from wish in your glasses and I refuse to put contacts in my eyes cause I don't even like touching my eyes. I'm complicated but I'm a Pisces so get over it. OML I'm so glad I'm not rich yet because lordy had I been rich as a teen I would've gotten surgery at like 14 to get my lips smaller no questions or doubt in my mind, its what I always wanted especially when everyone was making fun of me for my big lips in middle school because while I'm not the center of attention I'm always the center of someone's conversation. It use to hurt so bad, I would come home and cry looking up multiple ways to make my lips smaller like putting ice on them and they NEVER EVEN WORKED! My lips were just cold but not any smaller and I hated that. Between my lips and my brutal nose idk which one is worse. I have this hump on my nose like a camel and its so big, I would prefer it be a little smaller but more straight with no hump but I don't always get what I want. I remember this bitch I'm cool with told me when I was 15 "I don't think that's the right career for you like be realistic" after saying I wanted to model, I was like what? cause for one I'm embarrassed but 2 I'm so hurt inside like am I really that ugly or is this bitch just trippin? Nah she was right and I know she was right because I cant even look at a picture of me 16 and back without getting emotional of the way I not only looked but the memories of how not only others treated me but how I treated myself. I have a best friend and this whore looks perfect and always has, I think and look up like dad you left when I was younger and not only that took all the good genes you had with you. Well I guess it was either your looks or child support.... But I didn't even get that all the time so ummm guess Hannah Montana lied cause this damn sure aint the best of both worlds. Like I look at him and he's like a older brother to me and I love him so much but how is this bitch so perfect. Sometimes he makes jokes about my appearance and I swear if he wasn't 6ft I'd beat his ass. Its not that I'm jealous because I love my bro but it just hurts when your already suffering from low self esteem and image issues just for someone to make a joke about your appearance. What hurts even more tho is when that person visually looks way better than you and has no flaws, the type of looks your trying to achieve that you never will is telling you how ugly you are. That really beats me down but all I can say is shut up cause what else am I gonna do, go on a whole rant about why it makes me feel bad? Cause then I'm just sensitive and cant take a joke so I just keep it to myself. There's days I'm happy and getting ready then I look in the mirror and find so many things wrong with me, ,my hair, my face, my nose, my lips, me breaking out, the list goes on. In moment's like that I start to cry because why am I so ugly, and its so embarrassing because why am I comparing myself to everyone else I know and celebrities wondering why I don't have features like they have and why I cant just be perfect and love myself the way they love themselves.

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My own worst enemy

I don't know how to do this blog thing right so ima just talk to you guys and hopefully it relates. After highschool I thought I would be doing so many things, like you go to highschool for 4 years with the expectation that you have to have everything figured out by then right, because that's kinda the idea that's forced on us. For me I spent the first 2 years chasing crowds, drinking and not really knowing myself, trying to be someone else. My last 2 years were the greatest time of my life, everyone loved me atleast the majority, people did what I wanted and gave me so much attention, and just like my drinking, I became addicted to that attention. Graduating was so important to me, mainly because everyone thinks im stupid and like yea I lack commonsense but I'm still smart if I apply myself I can do whatever I want and I was so done with summer school like 150 for a class I could've passed on my own yea summer school just wasn't the move anymore. I proved everyone wrong and graduated and I thought by 20 I would be doing so many things like don't get me wrong, I did put myself out there and tried out for a play which I almost got but couldn't get one song down, I would've been the lead which was a Angel trying to get his wings. I auditioned for a movie lead which I related to a lot, I talked to the director and I wanted the part so bad but couldn't get nekad and drop my towel for a specific scene, that was so good written it made me cry but I lost the opportunity and the part because that was the only one they felt fit me. I even got signed to a modeling agency but after thinking more about it the agency didn't make sense to me, I felt like I would be paying over 3000 dollars for classes with no guarantee I would actually make it because to my knowledge I would be booking my own gigs and it was my job to use what they taught me to find work, well I've already had some experience when I was 16 from the model competition I won so i felt why would I be spending so much when I can free lance and collect all my money doing the same thing. I even went back to Wayne after I was asked to speak to the freshmen and was so transparent with them, they were so kind and the feedback they gave me I still have because it made me cry seeing how my story touched someone and helped them open up about their own struggles. Honestly tho with all that said I still feel so under achieved, I feel so lost some days, so alone some days and just missing the attention and love I use to get, I miss people yelling my name, calling me in the halls, hugging me, and listening to me and doing anything I want or ask them to, I miss the social aspect of highschool, I miss feeling important to the point people would just do anything for me and crowd around me. I lost so many friends and groups after highschool I use to be so social and now I only have a small group who I love but can be so clingy because I don't wanna loose them and I constantly need love and attention, my gf is so sweet and would do anything for me and is so understanding and patient with me when I'm having my breakdowns and mental drama. I love her so much to the moon and back, her personality is just so alluring and special she's beautiful and gets me. Sometimes when I'm not happy I feel like a burden because I understand others go through things also and I don't wanna add on top of that and other times I'm really happy but that's only when I'm around people, some days its so embarrassing because I'm so hard on myself appearance wise like when all of your friend's are perfect its kinda hard not to compare yourself or just accept yourself especially when you still have trauma from when you were younger of all the hate you experienced because of appearance issues, like ill literally look in 3 mirrors in different lightings and if I don't feel I look even decent it'll make me sad and not want to go out, embarrassing ik, but its something I deal with. I've been saving up and by 21 I should be able to move out with Sierra or either roommates starting off, that's pretty much life right now for me, I’ll start another blog soon. I guess I'm just lame these days cause no one talks to me lol.

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Wishing it were the late 80s early 90s

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Megadeth is my favorite band and I did a cover of there if you will the power ballad on Megadeth rust in peace album with the sexiest riff

Check out my awesome cover of Dawn Patrol by Megadeth on StarMaker!

https://m.starmakerstudios.com/share?recording_id=6192449379098778&share_type=more

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This is awesome it's so rad megadeth playing some classic Metallica which Dave wrote 🤘😝🤘

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9bURyF_cPs&feature=share

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Bro like sebach is killer on stage bout to skateboard tho later ✌#YouthGoneWild #sebastianBach #skidrow #GlamMetal #ThrashMetal #gunsnroses #guns #fitness #inshape #weightgoal #perfecto #Rock #Rockblock #Mtv #mtvclassics

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All rights goes to Danzig and Glenn Danzig I did not make this #Danzig #Metal #Metallica #Megadeath #Workout #Muscular #bmx #skateboard #skatelife #Mtv I'm covering this song with my band HotN'Heavey

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#NowPlaying Chinese Democracy by Guns N' Roses IDC what anyone says I love this song Guns were a big part of the early 2000s just like the 80s and 90s #Rant what do you think

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Fade away with no remorse

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