dontfeedthebear

[dontfeedthebear]

Please just stop... :/

when people tell me to “embrace your natural body!” it pisses me off to no end, because what they really mean is: “Don’t stop being fat!”

It’s infuriating, especially when they know I’m trying to lose weight and be the best I can be. They constantly lecture me and then try to force me back into old eating habits by dragging me to places like Cheesecake Factory or greasy spoon diners. I end up just sipping lemon water and listening to them accuse me of being anorexic.

I do eat! Just not this kind of shit.

Both family and friends are trying to sabotage me and it’s breaking my heart.

They don’t want to admit that it’s not cute or beautiful to be obese, because that would mean they need to face their own demons. That they need to put effort into changing themselves for the better. I know it hurts to look in that mirror of reality-- to see yourself as you really are. Fat. Fat and ugly.

I’ve already realized that I’ve caused myself needless damage by overeating and leaving my depression unchecked. I’m making changes now so I can be better in the future. When I lose the weight I want to correct some of that damage if I can, because I’m worth it. Instead of supporting me, everyone tears me down and tries to make me into a monster for wanting to fix something that physically hurts me to see on my body. They don’t *actually* care about my feelings or mental well being. They just want me to be what they want me to be: Fat, miserable and ugly. Just so they aren’t alone.

The beauty industry isn’t perfect, I’ll admit that. But for fat people to scream at me to accept myself as I am, when I know I’m actually at my worst and I can be better? Yeah, no. Fuck that noise. They always have an excuse:

The obesity crisis is caused by the food industry lacing food with corn syrup and sugar, lack of healthcare, high food prices, poor economy, blah blah blah... Yeah, it all contributes somewhat to the obesity crisis! There’s room for change there and that’s worth talking about.

But did all that force you to eat an entire chocolate cake by yourself at 4am because you’re a weakling who self soothes themselves by eating instead of getting some fucking therapy? No. No it didn’t. They just don’t want to accept the blame.

I just wish people would keep their stupid opinions to themselves. I want to be skinny because I’m tired of being obese and ugly. I want to be pretty and wear fashionable clothes. If you’re happy being obese and wearing the clothes made for obese people that’s fine! More power to you. I don’t care, do what makes you comfortable and happy.

But don’t come at me and tell me I’M the one with the wrong view of what beauty means. I’m not the one who has to bend my logic backwards to explain why being obese is beautiful, because it just fucking isn’t. There’s nothing pretty about being unhealthy and it’s time to stop lying about it.

And ESPECIALLY don’t try to drag me down with your crab pot mentality. It’s the quickest way to get booted out of my life because I don’t have patience for that anymore.

[dontfeedthebear]

201lbs, only 96lbs to go.

It’s been a rough week emotionally, I’ve been down in the dumps to the point that I nearly gave up on everything.

I guess I cried off all those pounds, I went from 206 to 201 without really trying.

Why am I so sad? Not because of weight or anything. It’s just personal shit as always. The weight is a result of the main issue: My family has just opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve never been considered part of it and they do not respect me in the slightest.

This includes using and abusing my belongings (even breaking them and not replacing them), yelling at me for being upset about it, gaslighting me to try and twist reality to make themselves the victim, and basically treating me like shit when I refuse to take their garbage anymore.

I tried to talk to my mom about how my siblings and Dad treat me and how it makes me feel. I thought I’d gotten through to her earlier this week, being candid about my depression-- but tonight she revealed herself to be the uncaring sack of crap she’s always been. In the middle of me breaking down on the phone she started to pretend she couldn’t hear me at all, saying “Hello??? Helloooooooo???? You there???”.

 She’d only say it whenever I spoke. I tried to say “I can hear you mom, don’t you hear me????” But she just interrupted me again and I had no choice but to hang up the call and hope she’d call me back. Praying that my gut feeling was really wrong, that she was just having phone trouble.

Spoiler alert: She didn’t call back. She didn’t text me. She still hasn’t.

I know she could hear me. She just didn’t want to listen and it broke me. I cried all the way to work, realizing that I’m actually alone and always have been. I’ve only been kept around because I’m useful as a emotional scapegoat or physical workhorse. But whenever I need help????? Nobody feels I’m worth bothering with. Nobody gives a fuck.

I’m just sorry I bothered. I won’t make that mistake again. No more humiliating myself trying to explain my thoughts or feelings to these fuckwits. I might as well talk to a wall!

All I’ve got is myself and pure unbridled spite left...

So what am I gonna do?

I’m gonna keep losing weight, keep saving money and working towards my goals. I won’t discuss anything with them anymore, in fact after tonight, I won’t be speaking another word to them. I doubt they’ll notice, but I will do my best to not miss them either so it’s even. 🌼

[dontfeedthebear]

slipping down the slope

I was terrible yesterday.

I ate close to 3k of calories, I think. Chicken Korma why you gotta be so good???

Ah well. I’m back on track today, clocking in 800 calories. I plan to keep my daily intake around that range for the rest of the week to offset the creamy delicious korma and the buttery naan I chowed down on. (Also, that fucking plate of rice crispie treats I stupidly made. WTF I should not be allowed to have any rights to food in the house.)

Have not weighed myself in a few days, mostly because work has been busy and I’ve been tired. So much overtime!!! x_x

But I still gotta prep my meals, and that takes time. I just have to make it!

[dontfeedthebear]

204.8lbs!

Things are going well!

At least there are no setbacks. I’ve completely stopped eating out thanks to the plague and while I miss my friends, I can’t risk any setbacks or catching covid-19.

I managed to start eating 1200 calories, after adding back in some frozen, quick cooking foods to my diet. I work a lot, so cooking all the time isn’t exactly easy for me to do. I have been better about it though. I’m also starting a vitamin regimen and it’s helping me when I can’t fit enough fruit or vegetables into my meals. (Multivitamin, biotin, and omega 3)

I took my starting measurements a week or so ago and it was horrid. I’m disgusted at myself, how did I let it get this bad??? Ah well. I’ll have to look into tummy tucks. Maybe I can save enough for one. (also, yay for getting rid of fat cells so that they don’t come back!)

I’ll take them again at the beginning of August so we can see how far I’ve come in a month. It’s only been 18 days so far and I’ve already lost 10.2lbs so I’m really optimistic that I can lose 5 more before then!

I’m thinking about alternating my calorie intake from 1200 to 800 and back again. That way my body doesn’t hit starvation mode and keeps burning fat, but allows for faster loss. I don’t want to get discouraged by slow metabolism or hitting a plateau.

I’m in this for the long haul. C(’-’C) I also moved my goal weight from 110lbs to 100lbs. That way I will have some leeway with weight fluctuations and still be able to feel comfortable and confident. (also it won’t be very hard to lose 10lbs vs over a 100lbs like now!)

10.2lbs down, only 104.8lbs left to go!

[dontfeedthebear]

Slowly but surely!

Weight: 206.6lbs Lost so far: 8.4lbs

We’re almost to 10lbs! I am so proud of myself for making it this far. I can already tell I’ve lost weight in my face and stomach, which is good and where I wanted to lose it the most.

The only bad thing about all this is I’m having trouble eating at least 1000 calories a day. I’m not starving myself or anything, but I am eating better foods than before. I actually pay attention to labels now.

I thought I was going to be restricting myself to less food, always being hungry and starving when I started this diet. But the truth is that I’m actually eating more food right now on a diet than I was off the diet. My appetite has remained the same throughout, and I’m having trouble stuffing it all down.

As long as my appetite doesn’t become a ravenous thing anytime soon, I should be able to keep going to my goal weight.

ʕ◉ᴥ◉ʔ /) |\)         | Wish me luck!

[dontfeedthebear]

Yuck 🤮 today was a bad day. After a few months of no period, mine decided to magically explode this morning. Luckily I was home!

Stress can cause a period to stop, but being too heavy can also be the cause. But I'm not stressed out at all, so being obese was the problem.

Weighed myself again and I'm at 208.8lbs. Despite going off the rails a bit, I'm still on track! My meal plan is prepped and packed for work, I actually managed to keep it around 545cal. A little over my limit but that's ok.

I still can't find my tape measure anywhere. But it's ok because I don't want to measure until my cycle is over and I'm not bloated. XD

[dontfeedthebear]

The obeastie feasted.

Today started out well enough.

Then my best friend asked me to go out for dinner. I thought “Ok, I can do this.”, since I’d only consumed 405 calories the entire day.

Of course she decided we should get tacos.

Carnitas.

Deep.

Fried.

Pork.

asasdjfkl;asdfkjfasf....

The meal was easily 2000+ calories on it’s own. So I’m probably looking at a 3000 calorie intake today. I ate it but I felt like garbage afterwards-- like physically sick. I realized that my body was used to lighter foods now and the fried stuff was wreaking havoc on my guts.

Like I thought, my friends are bad for my health. Eating out seems to be what our activities are based upon, and whenever I tried dieting before they’d set me back immensely and it would cause me to give up. Not this time.

This time there is a pandemic is going on and our work schedules rarely align anymore. So I’m cutting down my visits to once a month. I’m going to do my best to try not to eat out at all with them if I can help it... Maybe I can steer them to just going shopping or playing card games together?

If we do go out to eat again, we’re going somewhere I can check the calories on the menu items, or I’m getting a doggy bag for the majority of the food first. Out of sight, out of mind.

Damage control starts now and I’m confident I can counteract the trash I just ate. I’ve set a strict 500cal limit for tomorrow’s meal plan. That’s one serving of the pasta with sauce and one serving of grapefruit. I usually fast from 6am-8pm because I’m asleep on account of my work schedule. So this won’t be a problem at all!

(I can do it!)-- ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

[dontfeedthebear]

Weigh in: 210 lbs!

5lbs down, only 100lbs left to go. :)

I’m not sure if it’s fat or water weight though. I will admit I’m not drinking nearly enough water. (it’s always been a problem!) So I’m going to grab a giant thermos at the store and make it a goal to drink it dry each day.

Another habit I’m going to take up is taking my measurements weekly. This way I have a better record of what my weight loss “looks” like so to speak. While I hope my gut fat melts away first, it’s more likely to come out of my bust or rear.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and find myself hyper aware of my body and it’s relation to the space around me. I can feel smaller if that makes any sense. Even without stepping on a scale for two days I knew I’d still lost weight. My pants were sagging and my shirt felt looser, when they once fit me snugly.

I’m probably going to wear my old fat clothes until I can’t keep them up anymore. My shirts should be fine, in fact I might even have a few tailored because I like them so much. The pants and underwear though? Not so much. I’ll probably just grab cheap jeggings from Walmart and maybe a pack of underoos if I find the right kind of style.

One thing is for sure:

When I hit my goal, I’m going shopping and I don’t care about the cost. (I’ll buy a little at a time if I have to.) I want to look as good as I’ll feel! I plan on buying quality clothes to last a lifetime, because I don’t want any excuse to fall back into obesity.

The day I’m smaller than a size ten I’m cutting my Lane Bryant card up and I’m never setting foot in another obese outfitter again.

[dontfeedthebear]

Don’t skip

I’ve always worked a lot, and long hours at that. Yesterday I pulled a double shift and I was going strong. I packed my lunch and a snack then powered through 16 hours without any hunger pains or energy level issues. Then I went home and crashed like a train wreck into bed and passed out.

My downfall was forgetting that afterwards I only had 6 hours to sleep, shower and eat before my next shift. I did not cook ahead of time and I literally had five minutes to slap a sandwich together and rush out the door. My cats are eating better than me tonight!

So from now on, if I’m working doubles, I’m going to cook enough for the day after too. Because that five extra minutes of sleep would have really helped me tonight, especially as I feel my hangry gremlin rattling my ribcage demanding that I feed it now, not on my actual lunch break.

I’m gonna give in to the gremlin and eat early, and just take a nap on my lunch break...

[dontfeedthebear]

Learning to love the sweet things in life...

So going on a diet means giving up sweet stuff. You know, sugar in your coffee, cakes in your lunch box, or contraband candy in your hoodie at the movie theater. (Well, whenever they reopen again. I want to see Wonder Woman in theater!)

My sweet tooth is not as bad as some people’s, I’m more of a cheese fiend myself. (God, I am a slut for a slice of pizza) But I can see why dieters crave something sweet now. The meals I have made so far are heavy on vegetables and savory flavorings. Not a whole lot of room for sweetness on a 9″ dinner plate!

But following the old school diet of the mid-century, they ate a bit of fruit each day, mostly what was in season. Luckily I started this diet in summer, when it’s peak produce season and I can enjoy a variety of fruits and veggies at their finest hour.

Some dieters like to avoid fruits because of the dread “S” word. But natural sugar is a helluva lot better than refined sugar and I’ll take any hit of sucrose I can get right now before I start dumping the sugar jar out into my open maw.

To break up the monotony of apples and bananas (I like to eat, eat, eat....) I’ve picked up one of each fruit at the produce section:

-Pears -Nectarines (my personal favorite) -Mandarine oranges -Navel oranges -Strawberries -Kiwis -Pineapple and... Grapefruit.  I actually mulled over organic or non-organic and decided to try one of each to see which fruit tasted better. Sometimes, like with bananas, there is a difference. But sometimes there isn’t. But back to the topic at hand, GRAPEFRUIT IS BITTER... or so I thought.

I’ve never eaten a fresh grapefruit before. I’ve had the juice, with orange juice and vodka to get rid of the bitter taste of grapefruit.

Well I just had a half of the organic pink citrus and verdict is in:

I like it.

Which led me to some insane recipe searches in which I found out that you can make Baked Alaska with Grapefruit. I might give it a try someday, but I’d reduce the recipe to make just two servings. I don’t have a huge household to feed... and I doubt the cats want any! They’re much more interested in my research of tuna noodle casserole (I won’t be making it, I never much care for fish casseroles.) and ways to dress up canned tuna.

Speaking of fish, I do need to start adding more to my diet. A girl cannot survive on pork and chicken alone! I will probably make tuna sandwiches, since I’m busy with work the next few days and will be short on time. Let’s hope I’m not too wiped out from work to pop open a can.

[dontfeedthebear]

Weigh in: 211 lbs.

4 lbs down, 101 lbs to go!

So I survived the 4th of July...

Holidays are the worst time to be on a diet. Granted the 4th of July isn’t as bad as stuff till you bust Thanksgiving. But it’s still a minefield of high calorie dishes to avoid. (My enemy is macaroni and cheese.)

Thankfully I didn’t cook the meal this year, because I have to work a double shift. I slept most of the party away and everyone that brought dishes can’t cook. So it was easy to avoid temptation! I only ate two chicken wings and a spoonful of macaroni and cheese. Both of which weren’t very good but I couldn’t exactly cook up an egg sandwich without having to explain myself.

One of the reasons I’ve failed dieting before is that I talked to people too early in the process. Everyone I know is heavy or downright obese. So when I start to change myself or my habits, it’s inconvenient to them. When I no longer fit their lifestyle they sabotage me quietly so that I don’t even realize what they are doing until it’s too late. Sometimes it’s hard not to be upset with them but I’ve learned that it’s best to keep my mouth zipped when it comes to my diet plans.

Hopefully I can keep up the pace I’m going at now and finally see the result in the mirror and not just on the scale.

[dontfeedthebear]

You ever just....feel....y’know.

source

[dontfeedthebear]

Today’s menu!

 Breakfast: 1 overeasy egg, slice of toast, 1 tsp butter, 1 nectarine, cup of coffee with 1tbsp milk + 1tsp sugar. (304 cal) Lunch: 6 veggie pizza stuffed mushrooms over a bed of brown rice. (241 cal) Dinner: Cream of wheat, 2tsp brown sugar, 1/2 grapefruit. (295 cal) Snack: Pickled cucumbers and peppers (30 cal)

TOTAL: 870 cal.

Yes, I am having ‘breakfast’ for dinner. Why? I work night shift, and that ‘dinner’ is actually going to be had at about 7:00 am.

My way of doing things is going to be weird to most people that read this, since I live my life like a nocturnal little gremlin. I’ve never been big on eating in the mornings, I’ve always been a night owl who slept in past breakfast time... I just can’t seem to make myself eat in the morning and if I do, it definitely can’t be anything heavy like burgers or chicken. It just feels wrong.

Some people might ask: “What fad diet are you following?”

The answer is: None... I’m simply eating normal food at the correct portion size. (and counting calories because there’s no losing weight without math apparently.)

I got the idea to diet when I was browsing an antique store and found a really pretty dress from the 1950′s. Waist sizes were an average 11 inches smaller than average waistlines today.

Most old clothing is pretty small, and while it’s to be expected since the 20′s-40′s were a period of scarcity and doing without, the 1950′s were actually an upturn. People had money and they were consumers again! Yay capitalism!

It was also a period of dubious culinary experimentation. I will never, ever let an ‘aspic’ touch my lips. Leftovers are fine. Jello is fine. Together? They make the worst matrimony of both spongy and slippery textures. I imagine it’s a lot like eating boiled slugs gone cold and I will not waste food or time on such revolting endeavors...

So how did they stay so skinny, despite eating jello molds of foods laden with lard, butter, sugar, gluten and everything bad that today’s diet gurus preach against? Simple. Serving sizes were smaller and people actually ate from 7 food groups not the 4 we have today. There were also more veggies and fruit in their diet! Shocking concept I know.

Our food pyramid has changed drastically from that 1950′s model and several times in the last few decades. The 1970′s brought on the beginning of the end to tiny waistlines: the lowfat, high carb diet came into fashion and our waist lines exploded. Turns out that lowfat isn’t exactly the healthiest diet after all. (Not to mention that insipid eggs & wine diet that Vogue reprinted. How vile the bathrooms must have smelled afterwards!)

I have noticed while studying about diets that the trend is to idolize one ‘superfood’ or to gravitate to one type of food group. Atkins, Fruitarianism, anyone? That shit has to stop. We are omnivores, evolved with the teeth and everything. We need a balanced diet, which means a rotating plate of protein, fats, starch, vegetables and fruits. The fad diets need to end, because they are literally killing people. Talk to a doctor if you want to go on a special diet. Not some holistic nutjob though, please. 

Anyway...

My mother was an awful cook. She was the product of a household that just cooked to fill your stomach up and not really about making something that tasted good or was actually good for you. Quantity was the name of the game in my grandmother’s household. I barely remember her meals whenever I visited, most of it was boxed or frozen. My mother continued that trend, sadly.

I associated home cooked meals with rubbery, overcooked chicken, dried out fish fillets, tough as leather pork chops and chewy, stringy cuts of beef. So I lived off sandwiches and snacks like chips, cakes, and cookies. Not to mention my biggest weakness: Soda. I drank liters of the shit at a time and I could not tell you if I ever drank a glass of water as a kid and not be made a liar. I’ve probably permanently damaged my kidneys and liver from filtering coca-cola for years. (how my teeth survived this long is a miracle!)

I always hated pork and fish. I was extremely picky about beef too. Chicken was on thin ice, but I only liked it fried or smothered in cheese. I ate a lot of pasta, rice, and bread.

It clicked for me when I went to dinner at a friend’s house and her parents cooked salmon. I was paralyzed with the fear of being rude but salmon was the number one fish I despised. It was like eating tuna from a can but served hot and with a strong biting aftertaste. So I took a small portion with the intent to gag it down and fill my stomach with some rice.

Imagine my consternation when the salmon was soft, delicate and not ‘fishy’ at all. It tasted of butter, lemon and salt and I think I ate two helpings of it. Puzzled, I asked them what kind of salmon it was-- they said frozen sockeye, which really confused me because that was the same thing my mother used.

Eating my mother’s salmon the next week confirmed my fears: She couldn’t cook and I didn’t hate certain foods. I just couldn’t stomach her cooking. I think mom had a deep fear of food poisoning, which is why she cooked every piece of meat in our house to death. I never asked why and I never told her how I felt and she lives in ignorance of her failing every day. (My siblings know though, I caught their blank 50 yard stares when we visited her a few months back and had to eat her shoeleather porkchops.)

I was not confident in cooking for myself either, because I didn’t have anyone to teach me. Youtube wasn’t around at that time-- and even if it was I didn’t know about it. Ah, the infancy of the internet... I’m so glad the information highway has expanded today because now I have taught myself quite a lot of things besides how to actually cook a slice of meat or bake a cake.

Times have  certainly changed, sometimes for the worst. But a free and open internet is one thing I hope never changes, because I want to learn how to sew next.

[dontfeedthebear]

My diet is going shitacular...

So I wanted to start this blog off with something funny before I get into the sad bits. I can’t promise this blog is gonna be rainbows and sunshine, because nothing ever really lasts. Especially the good times.

To begin with, I’ve always been fat since childhood. An accident in elementary school that required a hospital stay started my spiral into fatness. My life was sedentary afterward, gripped by a fear of the outdoors and exercise in general. I wasn’t crippled physically, just mentally.

Time passed and I never paid much attention to my weight, giving up before I ever tried. I just didn’t have the will power, and I had no self confidence to begin with so there was no motivation. Also, have you eaten cheesecake? I have, literal tons of it. That shit will smother any motivation with its creamy sweet goodness.

I’m  all grown up now, not just in height but width as well. I’m a mere 5′2″ and I weigh a whopping 215lbs!

To point out how terrible this is, the recommended weight for a woman of my stature is between 99lbs-121lbs. I’m going to say I should probably weigh 110lbs, realistically. That’s an eye-watering 105lbs of excess weight!

How did I get here? Well, turns out BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is an actual thing. I suffer from it and on top of that, I was drinking the lard juice--I mean, propaganda of the fat positivity movement (offshoot of body positivity imo). It’s really easy to listen to the folks pushing fat = beautiful, because let’s face it: A lot more people are fat than skinny these days. So majority = the correct ideology. Right? Not quite.

When I was buying clothes as a teenager, I had to shop in the fat old lady section. There just weren’t any options for teens and young adults. Nowadays even Walmart is full of trendy plus sized clothing. While at first I thought this was great....I realized it was actually just a depressing trend towards short term life expectancy all the while coddling me into a sense of security about it.

It’s so much easier to just buy clothes that fit rather than do the hard work involved in getting into a smaller size and be healthier. The corporations realized the gold mine that is plus sized clothing and now they are profiting off your unhealthiness by draping you in finery.

You can put lipstick on this pig, tuck it into a cocktail dress and dust it in diamonds but at the end of the day it’s still just a sausage, albeit more sparkly.

While I would never hate or disparage someone else for their weight (God, no. I am not a bully. If you are happy then I am happy for you!) I am most certainly going to scream at my own ass.

I am obese and I don’t like it. I took off the rose tinted glasses of fat positivity and said:

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH”

[dontfeedthebear]

Diet is just Die with a “T”.