dopamine-deficiency

[dopamine-deficiency]

Whenever an ugly feeling arises in me, maybe resent, greed, insecurity, etc. I just have to laugh and think to myself, this is what being alive is and I don’t deny my capacity for ugliness, in fact I store my faith in it because that same awareness of my own ugliness is the place I go to when I am aware of my own beauty. I have all the time in the world to sort it out, that’s the thing with self trust. I don’t hide from others and I don’t hide from myself, where there is ugliness I observe it and I don’t turn away.

[dopamine-deficiency]

I just realised my best friend, closest friend of 10 years just rejected going out to even a quick lunch with me on my birthday. And its on the one day that my bday is on a public holiday so neither of us would be busy. Like I just checked my calendar again. And I dont think she knows either.

Idk why I feel hurt abt it?? I mean we both barely see/talk to each other nowadays, and I know I dont have the same value to her as she does to me. But I thought at the very least, she'd apologise for not being able to make it instead of just rejecting straight up.

She's having a meeting, then going to church to support her other friends. She isnt even a jesus stan. She doesnt even subscribe to jesus bro she's buddhist. I...just dont know. What to do anymore.

I ran out of my hse when she called me crying. I dont think shed do the same for me. And I dont expect her to do so. But at least...she couldve apologised.

Like I always knew at the back of my mind I dont have much value/worth to know. I know im not her #1 bestie. But she is to me and I just feel broken now that ive had time to sit down and realise this.

Not that I have any ill-wishing against her. She has a lot on her plate. A lot of exams, studies, chores and personal problems in her life. I get that our relationship is not a priority. But idk I just miss her a lot. I really want to hang out and catchup with her but I always feel intrusive whenever I offer to because I know theres a super high possibility she'll reject because of her having a lot more things in life now as a young adult than we did as children.

I mean my other best friend is still down to hang with me(if her situation allows it) and Im grateful. I LOVE HER SM I WISH HER ALL THE HOPE AND SUCCESS IN LIFE.

The child in me who was stuck to her at the hip is hurt.

[dopamine-deficiency]

[dopamine-deficiency]

12-14-22. 2340

I need to learn to be more organised and plan out my day well. I could have finished a project if I had started in the morning.

At the Macs today there were 2 boys working at the front counter, very cute as they bantered back and forth. I am also very glad to see more inclusion in society as one of them had down syndrome.

Yesterday's conflict with my very close friend was resolved well. I will probably try to finish as much of this crochet project tomorrow so I can block it in the morning.

[dopamine-deficiency]

12-13-22. 2332

Today I learn that I need to be better at picking up social cues. I sent a close friend of mine content that I thought was interesting, but to them was triggering. I did not know, until they've pointed it out.

I am thankful for a friend that communicates well. I am on extremely thin ice, but I'd like to think, hope and believe that all will go well.

At the same time, I've realised I am a coward. I've shoved the app deep into my phone away from my view, in the hopes that some space and time for them and me to grow would do good. I hope they aren't extremely mad at me...

[dopamine-deficiency]

Sword Mother